It has occurred to me that the people that coach will be "negotiating" with will most likely be at the shoot this sunday.

HOW!? DIE!
Here i am, being the last minute person to sign up and take part, and because of that, not training for it, shooting 70 metres when i've only shot at 70m 4 or 5 times in my archery life, and the wind is a killer!

Even the archers who were helping me said that i'd be fine if there wasn't any wind. But no... the wind is my nemesis.

Gah... i don't know if those people will take me into the training team after seeing me shoot and group my arrows on the ground or something.
:-(

Never mind... Take it as it comes.

I will be bullheaded as usual.

Dangg...

Because of these websites, i am:

- having such a great time to the point of not concentrating on my work. (...)
- having a great laugh
- realizing, that i've found the blogs written by people who really tickle my funny bone. The one kind of humour i appreciate.

ok, i admit i am sure a slow one in discovering that i love these sites since entering the blogsphere. Ah, better late than never.

(mr brown, mr miyagi, bubblemunche, LMD, etc.)

I like this post. Hope the author doesn't mind me putting the link here.

Back to work.

*** ***
(edited)

me: managed to send the files through?
coach: i am still negotiating your case. Will confirm asap.
me: (thinks) oh my oh my.
me: Sure, thanks! it's for the youth training team right?
coach: yah... any achievements? as in, medals?
me: (thinks) WHAT?!
me: no... i have no sporting background.
(i don't think sprinting counts here right)

Ok, that was the suckiest thing to say when trying for the youth team. But what the flounder. I am nonchalant about it.

All i have is my positive attitude towards training and being a better archer and taking advice and coaching.

And if opportunity comes, and i am game, i'll go for it.

If you don't want that, fine by me.
It was an aspiration, a burning desire, dashed by politics and my own fear.

Now, the love for archery is here.
But the burning drive to once again meet my dream squarely in the face is but only glowing and cooling coals now.

Can i be ignited again? Maybe.

So, the cards are there all laid out.
Doesn't matter to me if you swipe em off the table.

I'd walk away feeling cheated and humiliated.

But i know there're far better things to achieve in life than recognition and Man's praise.

feeling: seh.

Sleeping properly/enough/and awaking without a headache...
Has become a luxury recently.

My bed wasn't occupied last night. Looks like another 24 hour work marathon thing almost got recorded for the second time.

By God's Grace, my brain is still functioning pretty well even after working on the essay for all those hours.

I hardly noticed the hours go by.

I find it hard to fathom how the hours seemed so short.

Wow.

I definitely wasn't having fun but i guess i was just... pretty desperate.

Lord... Thank you.

But i realized that my tutor wanted it a certain way, so i have to go back and rearrange and write more.

*moan*

I "passed out" sometime in the morning when the rest of Singapore was awakening.
Heh.
Man, i was told that i had better not let this become a habit. I may get insomnia, so says someone who's been through this same phase.

*** ***

It was painful and I look back on it with different coloured vision every now and then.

Sometimes i feel regret, sometimes i feel:

it hurts like my heart had been through a massive compressing machine with spikes on it and hasn't healed. but if i hadn't done what i did, i wouldn't have had the chance to do what i love and want to do for life. amongst many other things. and chances are, may not have met all the people in my life today. Plus, God may not be this strong in my life too had i not done what i had to.

Come to think of it, it feels like, it just happened not long ago.
It's still pretty vivid emotionally though the other details are fuzzy.

I am even amused thinking about it.

In the space of 3 years:
- good friends can come back together and REMINISCE about the happenings in the past years.
- people can easily forget friends
- most people at least, would move on and live life as per normal

in other words, 3 years is a LONG TIME.

And how does my antagonistic heart exist?

It can be cold, hard and unreceptive to love, and at other times, it pines and bleeds.

To the guy who:
Can break the ice, melt every bit of it, march 7 rounds or more around the Jericho wall till it collapses, who can gently open me up with such simple ease with warm honesty, love (Godly and romantic) and humour (wit/morbid/smartly annoying), who can hum in tune with my off kilter frequency with absolute comfort...

You're the man, aye.

Till then, there'll be a wall of politeness, not total honest blabbering, and not baring who i am.

FOr some reason, i can't control it. It just happens.

I guess the onus is on the external environment now. Only when i can truly connect with someone, will i peek over the wall, consider cautiously lowering the draw bridge or maybe breaking it down.

But if the time is right, and if there's something right about him and our relationship with God, then who knows?

I can't even say it outright. The heart lives in solitude and is unreceptive to romantic love.

There is no trust in it.

worship

i am glad to say that now i am beginning to see what people mean when they say that they enjoy worshipping God with music.

It used to be, "ah, ok, i just like playing the piano because i like making music, i like just the act of playing."

But, as i learn new skills through the keyboard lessons i'm having, i am learning more about worship and how such a joy can be found making music for God, and how even more wonderful it is, when you play AND SING to Him, the words.

And mean everything that you say in the song.

playing creates simply the tune and melody. but it's when you sing and mean it...

when you sing with your heart and mean all that you say, there is such overwhleming joy, pleasure and flow when you worship.

AS i sit at my piano and play, i create or discover chords that tingle my senses within, and i simply love it.

Certain jazzy chords, meaningful, chords that lead on to something...

But making music for the purpose of worship, is more than just loving the sounds and chords that you make.

not that what i play is top notch material.
i just play what i know and feel.
(never was much of a score reader anyway)

music is the medium... but the extra dimension, that is, that love for the Lord and the desire to express this devotion, is so lovely and personal.

It's an expression of love to my Lord, in a way that i know.

*** ***

I wonder if the compound event has been restored into the SEA Games this year.

I am cheesed with those silly "sports" officials who don't know a thing about archery and insist on not recognizing the compound bow.
And furthermore, imposing their MYOPIC, COKE BOTTLE EYESIGHT on the all important decision on whether compound is in.

The last time i heard, the event hasn't been included. Singapore had better vote for it.

It'll be fun to watch people i know on TV! All the recurve and compound dudes and dudettes!

What happened to my dream? Smothered by politics and inefficiency, that's what.

But nonetheless, i still love archery and i'm not going to let this love die.

You Are 40% Left Brained, 60% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

coming back.

The rain began just as she started walking towards the outdoor range.
She moans inwardly in despair.

And she tells God.

God... please stop the rain... i know you need to water your plants, but i think they've been sufficiently watered already... please, i haven't shot outdoors in such a while and i really want to... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!

Can i have the kind of hot, dry/humid kind of weather? the scorching hot kind? remember?

and as she walks into the range through the gates, the rain intensity begins to lessen.

and then as she reaches the tents and after a phone conversation, she looked up to the skies and discovered that:

not only did the rain STOP. But beautiful blue sky was revealed... OVER THE OUTDOOR RANGE.

just when a short while ago, the sky was cloudy, dark and very unpromising. and rain was making the range a mud pool.

Jo is/was a happy girl. Thank you papa God.
You show yourself in funny ways. But me likey.

It got so hot that i even got a sunburn to show for it.

Sorry guys, if today was too hot for you.

*grin*

Prayer works.
The time taken for answers to them vary, but when God sees that it's appropriate and that He can allow it, you'll be amazed by the instant answer!

*** ***

OH NO! OH NO!

WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO AGAIN!?

NUS OUTDOOR COMPETITION NEXT SUNDAY.

JO, I AM CONVINCED THAT YOU HAVE GONE INSANE.

HELLO?

70 METRES YOU KNOW?

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I DID 70M?

LAST YEAR!

AND HOW WAS MY GROUPING?

LIKE TRASH!!!!!!

AND HAVE I PRACTICED?

NO!

DO U THINK YOU'LL PRACTICE THIS WEEK?

NO!

WHEN IS IT?
13TH MARCH.

OH HELP...................................................

WHAT ON EARTH AND WHAT IN ALL THE GALAXIES MADE ME SAY "YES"?!

*** ***

And another thing i got myself into. *squeak*

BC to me: you should join the squad.
Coach: yeah, i told you (me) so many times to join but you always say you're busy with this and that.
Me: WHHHAAAT? DID YOU ASK? WHEN?
Coach: *purses his lips and looks away for a moment before returning to look at me*

BC: you want to join or not?
me: yah... (thinks: i've been waiting for this all this while...)
BC: training is very tight you know.
me: i know. can you send me the schedule? (thinks: i've known this all along! grr...)
Coach: what's your email address?
me: i give you. then can u send me the schedule?
Coach: no, i'll send you the forms.

If it ends up bring another deadend, i will just be...
Whatever.
I'm very tired of inefficiency.

And now i am thinking.

Can i afford the time to train with the training squad or not...

I am now going to embark on being in the worship ministry as well as have keyboard lessons and school and cell group.

Wa, Jia lat.


ok, i had a full day. and i am sunburnt. something that i haven't been subjected to in a super long while.
i love the feeling of hot stinging rays on my skin.

Gotta go.

There's a million and one things that i've to make time for.

God... please help me.

appalled at what i saw.

i realize how sheltered i am from the kind of world people around my age and beyond live.

i am not accustomed to hearing bad language, it shocks me when i hear them blatantly said.
i don't see the kinds of social ills that are rampant in society.

when i see these things happen, my inner being feels pain for these people and i long to do something about it.

i want to reach out to them, but because of inexperience and perhaps inadequacy, i fear taking the step.

brb.

Cease. (i must've edited this no less than 6 times)

Why do i keep torturing myself?

Why does it hurt so bad even when i know it's going to happen?

AND HAS HAPPENED ALREADY.
IT'S BEEN A YEAR TOO!

Why jo why. Why do you keep doing this to yourself.

It's been years already and you still feel the stab?

Let go... You HAVE TO LET GO.

But i already have!

Then why am i shaking like a leaf?

God... My Abba Father...
Your love is the only thing keeping me safe and secure.

OH GOD....... WHAT CAN I DO TO RELEASE MYSELF FROM IT?
I thought this was long ago dealt with.

I'm feeling so divided.

A part of me is screaming, kicking and crying.
And feeling so alone and in crippling pain.
I'm trembling.

But the other part of me is sitting calm, with a tilt of the head, smiling subtly and wishing all things well.
Almost... psychotic-like.

Love gives rise to unspeakable joy and such cruel, ruthless pain all in one serving.

Wretched double edged sword.

But then, if Love is as it is from the Bible (which IS, as i believe), the latter part of me should be about the right way to go.

Should that kind of perfect biblical Love give us pain at all?

My life is in your hands Lord. You know what's best for me.

Your love is about the only thing that is constant. Change is a constant, but so is your love.

Take comfort in His love. It is unfailing.

All i need to do is TRUST YOU LORD and walk in your ways all the days of my life.

Normalized somewhat

CHECK THIS OUT... IF YOU LIKE HAVING YOUR BRAIN JOGGLED ABOUT!

ILLUSIONS!

FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN!

*** ***

Wouldn't it be interesting to be a guy for one day, knowing full well that you were a girl, will return to being one, but just for a single day, you will get to experience all that a guy does.

Ok, maybe a week.

I'm NOT having cheeky thoughts LAH.

The first thing i would do? Is go have a really funky hairdo.

Which reminds me, what if i was a totally cannot-make-it looking guy.
*giggle*

Anyway, then you will see girls from a guy's point of view, how guys have an effect on a girl, how girls have an effect on a guy, how to figure them enigma girls, how to push the right buttons.

What you would see in an attractive girl, to see if the "non-stop sex mindedness" thing is overrated or not.

Being in a whole differently hardwired mind and body.

Then, you get to know what sort of things make guys tick, why they do certain things in a certain way, why some things annoy the **** out of a girl but he doesn't think it's wrong.

What it takes for bonds to form between two guy friends, what annoys a guy about another guy.

*** ***

Having a headache that has been bothering me for the past 3 days or so.

The sort of headache dude that sits at the back of my head, smokes a cigar while it periodically puts a stun gun to the side of my head and presses the "zap" button.

It's not sharp but more a dull throb. Funny gun you have there.

I shall sleep you off soon.

****! ****!

overload, overload.

going bonkers. my mind is zooming from one corner to the other, thoughts and all things neurotic splishy splashy all over the place.

concerns over this and that, worries about that and this, nonsense spouting on my blog in rushes.

everything but essay content is exiting my mind.

i have Lush 99.5 pumping funky frequency through my ear drums, as i try to remain calm and in control, as i blink my tired eyes, and peer tiredly past hair in my face at the lappie screen.

made a radio switch to 97.2. chinese channel, are you surprised?
well, i've made a recent discovery that chinese love ballets can be quite easy on the ear and actually gently pleasing with the nice musical backdrop.

ok, i'm not to lose it. i'm trying not to lose it.

LORD. HELP. ME. PLEASE.

It's fear from last year. The baggage of pain and grades not proportionate to the amount of effort i put in.
The baggage, oh all the **** baggage that's making a stupid small essay such a big issue.

ok, stop.

BE STILL MY SOUL.

I did go back to ACJC during Founder's Day for about... 1 or 2 years? After i packed my bags and left its portals.

This time, it feels like a distant notion to even consider stepping on Dover soil.

Anyway, i had a hoot reading Mr Brown's (www.mrbrown.com) blog and Mr Miyagi's blog.
(on their Founder's Day stint)

Sorry, technology a bit lagging here huh, so you need to cut and paste if you want to read.

And you can access Mr Miyagi's by going through Mr Brown's. And yes, i am not calling them mister because i want to be polite. It's just the way it is.

giving me a reason not to trust you again?

that's too easy for you... you've done it again. congratulations!

there's no reason for me to trust you.
what is there to base the trust on?
AND,
even if what was said was meant to be "hey, trust me because...".

BAH. What do you take me for eh? do you think i was born yesterday?

You've done it before, you've proven that you're capable of being plain childish and manipulative.
(to no avail by the way. read that. and weep.)

Today shall be, "type as and when i feel like it".
off the top of my head, stuff.

11:36am

We need to get a REAL weighing machine. Not that the one we have is showing me something i don't like to see.

Quite the opposite really.
Which is the very reason why i don't believe it.

They say:
There are no ugly women. Just lazy women.

I think, i am lazy. Therefore, that makes me ugly.
So, i am ugly and lazy.
What a brilliant and winning combination.

Looking around myself as i go out onto the streets of O. alone, yes, and i can do that with utmost confidence mind you, (hm, come to think of it, i think i scared off that lady from the modelling agency) i realize what lengths women older and women my age go to to make themselves look desirable/feel good about themselves.

The nails, the hair, the make-up, the... rearrangement of anatomy(?), the shoes, the clothes...

And if you notice, the kinds of things hanging from the average women out there is quite... quite loud.
(that could mean in colour... not always in design, but design can definitely be included, cut, style, accessories... the works.)
That's in my opinion, of course.

Thing is. They bother to do all that for themelves.

And i am thinking: Gee. I am comfortable as i am.

And that would be:
a solid coloured tank (preferably racer back)/polo tee/big or slightly fitting tee
+
my usual hip-hanging-no-butt-to-hold-up jeans/my trusty berms-that-were-around-since-sec-school.
+
slippers/teva sandals.

I can run after a bus, dash up stairs two at a time, sit reasonably comfortably without revealing anything indecent, not worrying if i forgot to shave (!)...

I'm sure i can think of more.

Sometimes i wonder if i can look any better IF i bothered to do something about myself. (HAHA, that came out sounding rather strange)

But look.
I vow that i look odd with any more make-up than what i use now. And i am not exaggerating when i say that i look like someone from a Wayang show if tried to dump on more.

And of course, many other things which would just give you perfect reason to say: That's your problem you boring old lady.

Yes.
I am now not just lazy and ugly, but also conservative, scared and unadventurous.

The perfect candidate for some local makeover show or some glamourette thingy aye?

hohoho. Sad case lah you, jo.

Hotel Rwanda

using my mom's lappie which's a bit messed up so i gotta type most things in small letters. :-)

*** ***

My tutor keeps talking about how she did this and that while teaching in NIE, how the culture is there and how she is doing in the SIM culture, her students there, blah blah blah, "in IE, in IE, in IE..."
That it has turned from pleasantly interesting to jarringly annoying.

Now i guess i know what it feels like for others when i prattle on about all things ACJC.

*** ***

I've decided that i will not deprive myself of brain food, be it in the form of movies or books from the library or concerts or some such, even during the academic year.

living the way i used to last year was rather meaningless. one must know that there is a time for everything.
it's not an excuse to go out exactly, but haven't we all heard... "all work and no play, makes jack a dull boy".

so, i have stomped my foot down and went to watch Hotel Rwanda yesterday.

i am glad i watched it, it was worth my every cent. it was so deep and engaging that when i stepped out from the theatre into the brightly lit mall and saw the bright blue sky outside, i felt almost like i've never lived before.

like, i live in a plastic world.

of course, in different parts of the world and in different stages of national growth, with whatever level of poverty there is, the people all over, go through different forms of troubles and calamities.

But you have to admit that some calamities could be more heavy on the spirit than others.

i might be dying from my academic studies and going insane and breaking down mentally.

i might be going through a rough patch at the office with too much work.

or, maybe i might be facing the very lack of a job altogether.

or, maybe my husband is leaving me for another woman.

But imagine having a gun pointed at your head, your spouse's head (someone you've fallen in love with, given of yourself and share intimate ties with) or child's head (your own flesh and blood and maybe part of your "spirit" even).

you never know when the last breath will be or when will be the last time you get to say goodbye.

death is certain, as certain as taxes.
death is solid, irreversible. by most standards at least.

the dead person has no more life to hope for anything.

that is, unless of course you think that life hath no more meaning. and if you think that living is more of a pain than anything else.

"i would pay you to shoot me and my family"
-Paul, the main character.

The swaying between both ends: the desire to survive and to end the stress upon his shoulders and the horror of what he has seen.

*shiver*

"What's the use? They would simply say: Oh my God, that's horrible... And continue eating their dinner."
(or to that effect)

Having it SAID RIGHT OUT for you to hear really tears a chord inside.
How true it is.
I can picture it happening now. Sinking teeth into fresh homemade food while i watch the news, of people being beaten, people being burnt from bombings, getting shot down.

And not doing anything about their plight.

Once, i thought to myself: "I am a servant of yours God, AND WHAT AM I DOING HERE?!?!"

Of course there are many considerations that i could go into but that's just another issue to tackle altogether.

there is more about the show i want to ramble about but i have to stop for now. i guess i fall under the "dying under academic circumstances" bit.

till then.
*this's a good start*

Good emotional upheaval

Saturday blew me away.

I'll spare everyone the usual sad talk and launch into the reason why my faith has been given a boost.

Apparently, someone i know just a little, came up to me, in obedience (she was told by the youth pastor to come to me) and prayed for me.

Me: Just curious. Why did you come to pray for me?
J: Honestly, it was actually Pastor E.
Me: Really?
J: He told me, "Go and pray for this girl."

This is the second time in my life so far, that someone has been prompted to pray for me.

The first time someone did, she had tears in her eyes and she prayed something REAL specific too, with reference to an issue i had during that time.
Which was a long time ago.

So when this happens, it always means something special, personal and unique to me.

When she prayed she then said to me, that she was given a word/vision from the Lord which was of a "Locked Door".

She asked me if it meant anything to me.

WHICH DID, A WHOLE LOT.

Won't go into details here. Maybe not yet. Because it involves lots of outpourings.

But for now, i can say that being where i am in the Urban Race (youth portion of church), is where i should be... it's the right place to be.

- Growing in the spirit,
- questioning and learning,
- being refreshed by the insight of others,
- being ministered to by the elders in church,
- having more Christian brothers and sisters who're there to give support,
- and of course, being there to be of service to others who need help,
- to learn what it means to be a servant.

I am reassured by God, that i am someone in His eyes.

In recent days, i have been witnessing a number of small of interesting things from the Lord and i hope that as i continue to pursue God and serving Him, He would reveal Himself to me.

I hope that these are signs of the ball rolling.A start of a great and deep jouney with my God.

I want to leave my old way of life on the ground in a pile, and walk away from it, hand in hand with my Lord.

No more do i want to continue living in a life of uncertainty.

But i want one filled with genuine love for God and with that genuine drive to serve Him because i know God so personally and i want to do His will.

And when i share the good news with others, i can confidently say that i know and love this God of mine.

How can i reach out in Christ's love if i have no idea what it is or means?

I hope that in due time, all that i've been through, will be used for God's glory, for His purposes.

That whatever that He had me go through, would be used as a living testimony for sharing with others what God is about.

Till Then.
*I've got a message that God sent someone to tell me. How cool is that.*

A little clearer.

COOS Tertiary Camp

Mostly, it was a great time of mixing around, cell with cell, with the current undergrads getting to know who the future cell supervisor would be and just getting orientated.

Course there was that one or two, "forever-young" types who came to join in the fun.

Most of us have seen each other before in church and some might've already forged friendships.
But i guess this's just a more formal-informal way to getting/forcing everyone to mingle.

Can't say it was a bad thing. I'm glad i went because it was short and sweet, power packed with enough social stimulation.
And of COURSE, not forgetting the worship we had and moments for reflection and discussion.

Speaking from a recluse-but-actually-a-hidden-extrovert's point of view, you'd better believe it.

But that aside.
*SWOOOSH* (big huge broom to swept the frill away in one gargantuan effort)

What really stayed with me from that camp is the confirmation that i have that God is real and He is my personal Lord.

We had invited an ex-NTU cell leader, LS, to give us a short message for the morning's devotion.
I've to admit that it wasn't so much the message itself that spoke to me.

But it was what was REQUIRED of me and hence the reflection afterward that brought things into focus.

She spoke about "Abiding in Christ". The analogy goes like this:
Jesus is the vine and we, as Christians, are the branches that span out from Him.
We ought to live our lives as living branches, not dead ones that only look pretty with the visage but are actually useless.

By abiding in Christ, we rely our all on Him. And from there, He uses us in seasons of our lives to bear His "fruit".

These fruits we are referring to could be, a fruit of the spirit, like, "kindness", "gentleness", "self-control", etc.

Or, it could come in the form of us perhaps helping someone find God and in due time, this person will come to know the Lord.

And other things.

It is like God doing his work in us, anything, when we rely on Him, so that in due time, we blossom and display His beauty and/or His work in this way.

So, as i sat down alone to pray... I felt really empty, rather useless. I felt like a peanut amongst everyone else in the room. I felt unworthy of God. I felt so small.

To cut the long story short. After our group discussion and sharing, we split up to just uplift one another in prayer.

And all i can say is, when LS, this very anointed sister prayed over me, i just cried.

Everything that she said, just every point in her prayer was so specific to me that i couldn't help but feel touched in my spirit and i just felt hot tears fall.

It's not everyday that you have someone say something SO SPECIFIC even without having to tell her everything.

When we broke camp, i decided that i had to speak to her because i had so many burning questions and i felt really drawn to speaking to her.
It was great seeing that she was edified and me blessed, in the whole process.

One thing she said that i will not forget:
"When i pray, I try my best to rely on the same Holy Spirit that lives in you and me."

The whole thing was confirmation for me as i came to realise: GOSH, i am not all alone... We are all running the same race and we all face the same struggles as Christians living this life in this crazy world.
God is real and no matter what i might think, He has a lot more capabilities than i credit Him with!

Another wonderful thing was that, on the first day, we had a few people who weren't in the best of health, so during our committee debriefing, we just prayed over them to be healed.

And yeah! They got better overnight!

Praise God. :-)

Truly thankful that it has ministered to me (and i know others too) meaningfully.

In time, i hope that the many other youths, or just EVERYONE, will be richly blessed in spirit the same way, or even MORE, than i have been.

*** ***

Have i been too rough with my new phone? The joystick isn't working too swell these days or is the phone just laggy.

I need participants for my upcoming psychological experiment.

Where art thou?

Till Then.
*i wuv psych*

*stares ahead*

1.
Forrest Gump to Jenny: I may not be a smart man... But i know what love is...
(or to that effect)

I wish i had the priviledge of knowing what love is.
Then again, i do know. In black and white text, that is.

We've heard many versions. We've thought we felt it.

I want to know it inside out.

I wonder if "love" to a person with IQ 70 is actually a very simple and straight forward concept indeed.

Maybe we complicate it.

Does the love a child has for his mother (don't give me that Freudian stuff) share the same basis as the love a couple share?

Love.
The 4 letter word that boggles many and even joggles scientists into research.

Sometimes i wonder if it was strong feelings or love.

A friend told me, we'll never know what love is till we know and feel God's love.
Or rather, we cannot love another until we have experienced the love of God.

Can human love be as perfect as that? Even for a moment?
Will all of our striving ever lead to at least near or perfect love?
(right, i know that it sounds like a straight answer is due.)

But, or ok, how about "True love", as we put it more commonly. Heard of that right.

We've heard some really good stuff.

I know so little...
I have insufficient knowledge of such, i shall hesitate to comment further.

2.
People i know who live through or are living through tough circumstances or are depressed/angry/jaded/... inside, seem to have a mighty load of insight into life and many other aspects of existence and the world around them.
Much to say about that but i will zip.

3.
It's that time of the year again, when deep cognitive aspects from history act up.
But i must say, it isn't half as bad as last year.

4.
Tell me, guys.
When you are with a girl (someone that you actually have designs on), and then you happen to see an attractive girl go by and decide to watch her.

What goes through your mind?

Hm, girls, what say you.

***

My lappie has died. Hard drive is down. Rats.

Using the dad's comp isn't a liberating experience so...
Oh well.
Till i can get my lappie done, i guess blogging down my thoughts anytime i want will no longer be convenient for now.

Off to musical enlightenment.

Returned

Back from the tertiary camp that was held over the weekend.

Had wanted to post up something on how it has been a small but significant blessing. But i got gunned down by my mom's killer glare last night so the post isn't done yet.

Catching up with my readings that i've missed now so i'll probably be back only later.

It's been days of mulling, self reflection and realizing my faults and flaws.
And i realize how much control AND how little control i have over who i am and how i can change.

I'm looking forward to the next camp... The planning was insane but everything pulled together in the end.
If the social recluse can say that another camp would be cool, then it must be good.

It was not perfect. But qualitatively, it was perfect.

Thank God.

Later, loves.

both extremes

I never knew that i still hold so much bitterness inside.

It's like a simmering well of poison that stays mostly hidden and concealed under that nicely painted unsuspecting picture...

Until something that makes it boil comes around.

Then, i would taste the anger... And the heart turns cold and hard.

Almost snapped back with something bitter and nasty but stopped just in time.

*** ***

I am VERY GROUCHY. I know, been complaining about it for the last few days about not sleeping well.

But it just came to a complete head today. I was working all the way from morning to night, then to morning again and slept from freaking 7am to 945am.
Only to continue working my posterior off till now.

I wouldn't have eaten if no one had asked me to.

I am blogging because i cannot take it! I need to scream so you shall get it.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am easily pissed and if you so much as raise your voice at me, i will put a frog in your mattress tonight. Or worse.

And this fella * well cannot even WAIT for a while for an email to arrive. I was just going to send the email when C. called me for the second time, *ing shortly, after the first call, hurrying me for the email.

* IT!

It wasn't even 15 minutes, * IT!

BUT.

Amidst all this pissy feelings. I tell you, despite me being such a wreck, dirty, impure and fallen being, GOD IS GOOD and as i am working, HE'S WORKING ALONGSIDE ME!

I had to do 3 things today:
- do the PP slides for the bible trivia
- dash out to get the games logistics
- go down to zap the journals at henderson (WT...)

3 things but that's a whole lotta things for so little time when i had to report by 4pm, but now 6pm.

Been doing the trivia thing for days and it's still not done... While i was slogging away at the laptop, i began to feel the pressure and tiredness from all the days of non-stop work.

So, i bowed my head and said a simple prayer to God... asking him to "please... let me finish the slides on time..."

And guess what. C. called up not long after to tell me that K. was free to pick up the logistics stuff that i was suppose to.

THANKS BE TO GOD!

Then, while still slogging away, quite a while later, C. called again to let me know that i can send the email to the office so that i didn't need to go all the way down.

You tell me who's behind all that?

It's uncanny, it happened all so neatly.
So if you've noticed, all i have to do now is concentrate on the pp slides.

So, I AM OFF FOR NOW!

My little testimony.
That God sees what i'm doing, His hand is never too short to help me, He answers prayers
and... He knows the limits to my overzealous self.

GOTTA GO!

GOD, SHOW ME MORE!

tILL then.
*Lord, to see more of you during this church camp, i pray*

:-I

Apart from God's and nuclear family love, there is no other love that i trust in.

*** ***

Took a scissors to my hair today, out of whim. Snipped off some from the front layers. It's nothing much. Just a little shorter. Hardly noticeable anyway.

It's something i do now and then when i feel like it and it makes me happier.

It's V day. So?

Wrote a loooong entry about my abhorrence for Valentine's Day.
But when i received another sms...
(from a FRIEND.)

Hard Heart melted and well... let's see what the destiny of that post is.

*** ***

ARGH. ANOTHER DAY WHEN MY HEAD TOUCHED THE PILLOW ONLY AT 3+ to 4am! I cannot LIVE like this!
*does a melodramatic faint*

Establishing a very unhealthy internal alarm clock. Brain is working less efficiently. I do wonder how some other varsity students can handle it.

I find myself having too many thoughts with a hopeless capacity to process everything. To even know what the rabbit i am talking about.

I miss my rambly long posts. :-)

Ack. Cognitive Textbook calls. I hate the way it's written.

*** ***

I think i have lost whatever wit i ever even had.
I find myself incapable of twisting something and throwing it back with intelligent wit.

I have become a smile/grin-nod dim-wit, who says, "ok..." or, "sheesh", or, "wa lau" or some other boring trash like that.

Another thing is, from one incident, i've realize that i have learnt to tone down quite a bit with my sarcasm. I actually held my tongue just in time before i blurted out a retort.

I might be wrong here, because maybe some of you might still think i am a rude snot, but i use to be worse ok.
Believe me.
We're getting the watered down version today. *smirk*

Honestly, i never mean to hurt anyone with sarcasm (though people may anyway), i never mean anything with malice.
It might come out sounding rude but there really isn't anything personal.

It's just a part of me.

I was once chastised because of it before. But i guess back then, it was coupled with the fact that i was bitter and depressed then.

It's different now. I want to be who i am, the sharp mouth. But it's been suppressed over the years, that if i were to bring it back, i'm not so sure of the consequences.

Till Then.
*If only time stood still long enough for me to sleep. Without getting caught by the parentals for sleeping in the afternoon*