Psyching Up.

My devilish angel. 


Just a little picture to bring a smile to me face... And to anyone who loves poochies.

Weizhen:
Hello sister... Ha, confused is it. No worries!
Ok, what you saw was (no, not an alien invented form of funky vernier calipers, hiak hiak...) a compound bow's "bow sight". This is an aiming device, that is assembled and attached onto a compound bow. (see compound bow) What it lacks now, is a scope (an example). The bow sight is designed such that you can attached on a scope. So, this aiming device has little things you can tweak to move the scope left, right, up and down. YOu look through the scope to aim.
So, after the attachments are done onto the bow (sight and scope), you are now ready to adjust the equipment such that it is accurately zero-ed in onto the target centre.
Of course, that would then require you to do some test shooting.
Ya savvy? If not, i am more than happy to explain further.

Alwyn:
HA, HA, HA... Now that you mention it... it does look a little like it. But without the clipping thingy.
But it is funky, no??? HAHA. The pixels don't do it justice. okok, not like there's much to improve on anyway but yeah... I love my first lump of equipment!
When i get my bow and attach it on, i'll post a picture to let you see how my vernier calipers fixes on. It'll do its measurements for me... right on target.

*** ***

Was doing a little surfing around and came across the names of people who would be possible future rivals...
As much as archery is about you and the target, the other fact is, you have people to beat, if ya want that medal, yes?

Call it rivalry, greed, etc.

I believe it's quiet ambition. You are going to have to set some sights if you expect yourself to go anywhere. You are going to have to face these people sooner or later.

Perhaps i am gearing up to soon? I beg to differ. I aim to psych myself up and keep the gears running. Not that i am going to go out with a big bang. No.
But i aim to quietly work hard at it mentally.

Sure, i am a beginner, a raw archer, an archery suaku.
I must cultivate an attitude and mentality of humility to learn, accept criticism and practice.

On the other hand, i have to think like an achiever.
And keeping this at a slow broil, i will.

It's kinda like, i am going to creep up on them.
(ok, not creeping up anymore, am i?)

So i am going to buy books, read and gain the skills i need. I hope the Great Sale has caught on in books stores TOO.

I have much to learn and many things are going to be tough.
That ain't going to stop me.
I love this sport.
It's like i found a missing piece in my life.
And i want to stay in it as long as circumstances allow it.

*** ***

What happened before was, he was suppose to call but didn't because he didn't have the equipment.
So I called instead.

So this time, i am once again expecting a call from coach but he hasn't contacted me. Does this mean that he still hasn't gotten the equipment? It has suppose to have reached his home country by now.
*arghhh.... sinks into a lump of slimey goo*

Have been waiting as silently as possible, patiently as possible, living through bouts of sudden bursts of insane elation without getting any internal injuries.
I haven't strangled any of my family in murderous excitement yet.

PLEASE!
My phone is on LOUD MODE, am sitting tight in jittery anticipation.
But that's all unseen.

Till Then.
*Twiddles thumbs silently, patiently, living...*
*feel like knocking my head for being such a perfectionist*

There is No Other

Alwyn:
Did it really? I thought last year's match was even more iffy (for ACJC) than this year. ACJC looked a little more solid this year but were equally matched.
If it wasn't for the penalty, i wonder how long more the game would have continued at a 3 all draw.
Jolly well hope this will not be the beginning of a losing streak for ACJC. We've lost to HCJC in water-polo already. One of our star sports! Losing in the arena of rugby is a definite no-go. NO WAY. I was standing to the left of the grand stand... I saw Cheam (feel weird calling him that, i don't know him personally, but anyways.) only about once.
Old man? No, didn't see an old man. I saw one RJC photographer. But... no you. Hm...?
Ok, maybe i was too engrossed with the game or wasn't sure? Was looking down the length of the field: Nope, no Alwyn.
You weren't carrying a stand, no?
Really didn't spot you... Oh well... Haha, but i think even if i had spotted and waved to you, i doubt you would've recognise me. :-D
Most people say i look very different from college days.
(of course except the few who've been seeing me now and then)
Thank GOODNESS i have cable... Or else i would've missed out on your photos!
Good stuff and especially so towards the end, methinks.
Oh, are you using that photo enabling thingy that Blogger has managed to integrate?

Weizhen:
Oh the experiment was a test on schema and stereotyping. Specifically, it was testing for gender stereotyping.
So, i'm suppose to read out some vignette(short written decription) to the participants and they were suppose to give me a precise answer.
The short story was about a lost driver asking for directions from a passer-by(the direction giver).
So, there were two conditions. The first, when the direction giver was a female, and the second condition was when the direction giver is a male.

*** ***

Ok, it's a sunday morning and i had to skip church service both yesterday and today. The flu's the cause but what i really thank God for is that i didn't have or any fever i had was minimal.
That meant that i could still struggle through that psych report.
A fever would've crippled me for sure.
THANK GOD!

People, i tell you something. Never leave Quiet Time (own personal bible study and time with God) to the moments before you go to sleep, if you can help it.

The morning is the best time to have your Quiet Time.
I'm not going to say: "IT WORKS" , because it's not like some cooking recipe or anything.

Just know that there is no better way to begin the day than with a talk with God, the Creator, the Almighty, the Only One, The Friend in A High Place.

He is the Greatest alive and how can we not spend time with Him?

There was a time when picking up the bible was a pain. It was a chore. It was time burning. It didn't mean anything. I wanted to get away as fast as possible.

But now, things are different.

Each time i pick up my QT stuff, i feel as if... a curious feeling, i must say.

I feel as though: I am coming Home.
It's an odd feeling, when thinking of it rawly. But that's the exact words to put it in.

Talking to God was like coming back Home. Everything feels homely and as if i am coming back to something familiar and loving and understanding.

So friends, or whoever is reading this.
It is my hope that perhaps some time, you might want to know this God...

Life may not transform into a bed of roses. The years ahead will never always be smooth.

But one thing is for sure. When life ISN'T that bed of roses, you are not alone to face it.

Hm, i apologize when i do make up my own words. Sometimes, it helps with expression when i can't find anything else better in the normal vocab.

*** ***

We now have to wean ourselves off American Idol, and... watch Singapore Idol!

I'm not a groupie, mind you. I watch it for the entertainment factor as well as to...
Clean my ears out?

Well, i love music and i like seeing how accurate my critiquing skills are.
Not that i can sing. OH PLEASE, i CROAK.

But all those years of music making, and being told off for bad tone and pitch have sharpened the ear to musical elements.

*** ***

The bow sight is an aiming device that is fitted onto a bow, for those of you who are sprouting question marks.

My bow sight case. It's not just ANY case. Shh. 


My Sure-Loc sight that i've been blabbering all about for the longest time. 


*** ***

As you can see. Technophobe decided to fiddle around with some photo thingy.
*clap, clap*

I still have to find a way of how to publish it without going around in circles.
For now, Technophobe is happy.

Till Then.
*Good Day, All.*

Messed but not destroyed.

Alwyn:
Yes it is. Not to say that it is all right, but least we know that our team still has it in them.
Circumstances.
Hm... Was looking out for you, the guy with the Nikon camera, but didn't see you. :-)

*** ***

Picking up from where i begun.

We lost to our arch rival, RJC.

I know i'll probably get stoned for saying this. But all along, i can honestly say that i felt something was going to be different this year.
And so it was.

Having said that though. I saw and i believe both teams were equally matched, apples to apples.

Both teams gave it their all.

It was just circumstances that we lost.

No tries. All penalties. Go figure.

The thing i liked best?
The students who were holding our school flag aloft,
WERE WAVING IT PROUDLY EVEN TILL THE END AS IF WE HAD WON! (when everyone was on the field)
Really spoke about true sportsmanship and the ACS spirit.

One would've thought that we had won, if you saw it from a distance.

I raise my hat to the ACJC rugby players who fought all the way. Not wavering at all.

I AM PROUD OF ALL OF YOU!
You guys will come back stronger! GO YA'LL!

As for the RJC rugby players...

We'll be BACK. But as always... May the better team win.

*** ***

Ah, and i am pretty messed myself.
Being too engrossed in completing that psychology assignment, i forgot i had my other readings to attend to.
So what happened?
I am lagging behind the most recent lecture topic.

Some bug flew in (inFLUenza) and i awoke with a sore throat two days ago.
At this point, i am plagued by a sore throat, runny and stuffy nose, cough and occasional heavy headedness.
At least no fever! PRAISE GOD!

Wonderful. Ya can take it both ways.

My experiment screwed up in my face. I can either re-do, which is daft, OR i just have to follow up with my most "interesting" results.
So there.

I have a family thing on saturday and archery on sunday.

BLAH.

I've been trying to psych myself that i am actually OK and that i've had it worse before.

Even to the extent of trying to SING out loud, so that i can make good use of my husky, sexy voice. HAHAHAAHAHA.
CRAP la, Jo.
Hey, i need convincing, no?

Ok, but the dripping nose spoils the whole effect.

Gotta go.

Till Then.
*We'll BE BACK. *throws fist in air!* *

GRIM.

ACJC lost.
And that's all i gotta say about that.

FOR NOW.

The following replies were written before the match.
Which explains the ungrim tone.

Alwyn:
Thank you, thank you... Someone who supports seasonal narcissism. YAY!
My flagging self esteem is always in need of ego boosting. Which's probably another reason why this blog's contents are extra narcissistic. (why do i get the feeling the spelling's all wrong?)
HAH. Yez. Our ACJC library takes the cake for air-con usage. But there's this particular corner in the library that i like to take cover in... It's at the very very corner of the library, where the fiction section is. It looks haunted (haha) but quiet and doesn't feel like a freezer compartment.
I don't know whether i should be thankful for never being part of Daniel Khor's lectures. On one hand, it must be pure entertainment, on the other, it is probably pure torture and a waste of time...
The photo(s) and Barang Barang? HAHA, yes, it is really me! But NOT forgetting dear Betty also... There're more pictures of her though. DUH... Cos she is so pretty! haa.
It was just a one time thing. Barang2 decided to open a make-up and girly accessories corner, so we helped by being the free models. Hehehe. It was because another good friend's(Germaine) sister worked for Barang2, so she roped us in.

Weizhen:
Thanks!!! Oh and i didn't quite enjoy that sunday's archery practice. Having a series of bad bad weeks. GRRR...
YOu know what? I can't remember about the library thing... Then again...
OH! Yup, there's only one library in ACJC.

*** ***

Have been hit by a bug.
I want to hit it back.

I just got my psychology assignment back.
An expected bad grade this time.

I have also been denied again a place in NUS/NTU.
(SMU gave me a chance at my last choice)
I will be fine where i am.
At least i can get my degree, PLUS seriously pursue ARCHERY.


Till Then.
*Life... Goes on*

Tired slob.

Alwyn and Weizhen:
Thanks you guys...
I guess it's just that sometimes, i read blogs of different kinds from different extremes. And i realize that mine is at the unsettling end, in my opinion.
There are narrations of narcissistic exploits, boring step by step processes of something i deem "important", and whatnot.
I thank you for still dropping by...
Appreciate the footprints you leave behind.

*** ***

Had a sleepover(at my place) with my "Library Gang" from friday into saturday.
ACJC Library Gang RULEZ!

No, not that we were all from the library CCA squad. We just spent almost all our free periods in the digit freezing ACJC library.

We're the gang of four, inseparable...

We got together at about 4+pm, yakked and yakked, then ventured out to HV for dinner.
Got back and proceeded to get ready for the REAL yakking.

It was so nice to get back together again, to update each other on our lives since the last time we saw each other.

Silly me. I told everyone NOT to sleep so soon. We didn't meet to sleep! Wanted us to stay awake for hours to talk, but yeah...
I was the first one to knock off.
Which i got partially yelled at about the next morning. *giggle*

The only gripe i have is that, i wish our time together could've been stretched...

It's just no fun to have everyone go off to do their own stuff so soon the next day.
Sure, it can't be helped. But hey, that's why it IS a gripe.

*** ***

Today, my parents finally got to see (after one year?) the Barang Barang photo at the Great World City outlet.
My god brother couldn't believe it was really me. The child's shocked expression was priceless!
Ha.
I wonder how long it would be before they take down the photos.

*** ***

Really nothing much to say, except that tomorrow's (or today) my ARCHERY DAY.
And i pray that God would bless us all with good weather.

Been looking good so far.

My bow is not due for another 2 or 3 weeks though. *drums fingers*

I cannot wait to begin serious training. I want to see how far my body + training can take me in this sport.

*** ***

I need to buy running shoes.
New Balance and Asics are the choices that stand out so far.
Anymore suggestions?
Note: Am on tight budget.

I spotted some nice New Balance shoes. I'm not going to let them run away. (pardon the bad and unintended joke)

I am awfully tired. It's 1:30am.

till Then
*blinks with difficulty*

Simmered.

I don't usually use make-up. So when i do, i forget to clean it off.
BLAH.

So, out from the shower i came, and got a mild surprise to see Goth Girl staring at me in the mirror.
*snort*

*** ***

I have finally found the closure i needed.
Things are not hanging about anymore and that's all i need.

We learnt during psychology class that humans generally like order.
We like things to reach completion and feel frustrated if they do not.

Such an example would be the family that was put through terrible emotional pain when they could not find the body of the father under all the rubble and debris from what was Nicoll Highway.

If this kind of situation can make me go gezonkers already, imagine what kind of trauma they went through.

I salute their strength and will to carry on.

*** ***

Different style of writing, or different way of thinking, or different usage of blog.
Call it what you want.
But i think i am a shallow person and less intellectual compared to many of my peers.

I yak about a superficial occurrence, while someone else will yak about the underlying issues of the occurrence.

I see such eloquent expression, clarity of thought, sharp meaning (no fuzziness) in other writings, while here i am writing things that are so two dimensional.

I realize and understand concepts only much later, when others grasp it within a fraction of the time i take.

I have so little opinions on issues, that i find it hard to debate.

My spelling and grammar sucks.

Why?
I think the reason is this.
I am lazy, apathetic and desensitized.
I am too well taken care of. Life is coming too easy for me.
I don't wonder enough. (maybe i'm not depressed enough)
Haven't been reading enough.

Ok, maybe there was a time my mind was in better shape. (i think?)
But, not anymore.
There has been an obvious deterioration.

ARGH!
Am i suffering from a degenerative mental disease?!
One of those that sneak up on you and before you know it, the evil thing grins and waves goodbye at you.

Whatever.

Till Then.
*Happy Holidays you guys. Mine is non-existent as of now*

Heavy Heart

Alwyn:
Thanks. :-) Everything about the videoing and observing the best, is right. And i agree with you. From the archery articles i've read, this is what is recommended as well.
Rachel Sng, the top compound woman shooter (or does it include men as well?) told me the same thing.
Look for someone with good formwork. Watch... and learn/copy.
And yes, visualization is a BIGGY in archery.
I know that the team does it, and a friend told me that they do "pseudo shooting" at night, at 30m. He says he watch until sian. *grim smile*
90% mental and 10% physical... I'd give physical a little bit more credit.
There is a fair amount of physical involved, because you need the strength to pull the bowstring and maintain, preferably a full draw, and adopt a good anchor point.
Otherwise, form will be inconsistent and the results will show.
Stamina as well, if we're looking at a competitive level.
And amount of poundage. Pretty important when going for distance.
"transposition of what our mind thinks into our hands?" This is true.
Hm, the very truth of the mental bit never fails to amaze me, even though it is clear.
The resultant arrows on the target truly reflect the mental state of an individual at that point.
Really appreciate your dropping by, by the way.

*** ***

Bogged down.
Confused.
Angry.(at myself)
Hurt.(in a different way)
Lost.

I feel, to some degree, the same way 2 years ago.

Don't know what to put my trust in.
Don't know how to get over it.

I know i will, someday.
But meanwhile, am suffering the after effects.

(And then i wonder:
Ok, so i am feeling like the biggest pile of elephant poop and he is probably feeling like the biggest, happiest, most liberated man alive.)


Shit happens.
Just my good fortune to have it happen now.

Ah, once again, i am reminded to cling on to God, my solace.

My mind, being tormented as it resides a few lightyears away.
My thoughts, going around in circles.

I need a distraction.
But it has to be something substantial.
Getting a temporary distraction is not going to be of help.
Because in the end...
When i open my closet door, the bones will come crashing down on me in a hideous pile.
Suffocating.

Troubled mind does no good for an archer.

Then again, i have to look at it this way.
Life isn't always going to be rosy and pink and sweet.
So, deal with it and get stronger.

An archer bogged with problems but who's able to deal with it and partition them away while continuing strong, is better than an archer who's never had to deal with any adversity.

Because one day, if something rotten happens, Happy Archer is going to crash and burn.

It took me 1 year and some to get over it in the past.

Time to kick my own butt and realize that one has to come out stronger from adversity, rather than mope about and feel depressed.

Ok, so i am really depressed.

In my almost 20 years, i have never had that many things to get depressed over.
So, this is new ground to conquer.
Absurd as it is.

My defense system is something like a piece of a mushy, watery, no-use, maggot-chewed decomposing zebra.
Time to toss it out.

Time to build a new one.
Time to build one, that is as tough as i can make it.
It won't be 100% steel, but as i've said, as tough as i can make it and to get me out alive.

Then again.

Do i really need it?

Mind-a-jumbled.

Not thinking as straight as i want to.

Argh.
Strike a balance between depending on God and Self?
No.

All on God.

But.

Crud. I am messed up.

I need someone to take a look inside my uppermost cavity.
And... prescribe me something.

Till Then.
*I need more participants for my experiment, preferably people who drive*

... ...

for lack of a better title.

Liting:
HAHAHHA, sister, you are so funny.
Yez, those track shoes are from college days all right. yeehee.
The soles are opening up at the edges already. So sad if i were to dump them away.
It has some of our fun-o-rama red paint on it, you remember, that day when we were doing the banners... Oh, the memories.
Looking forward to see you guys, lots!!!
Want to just cry in relief already.

*** ***

Feeling really upset with recent events.
Some aspects of being human just cannot be changed just like that.
At face value, i don't think anyone is to be blamed. Unless there's really more to it than it seems.

But what can i do?
Sit back, and take it like another one of life's events?
Or, do something about it.
I am in a dilemma as to what i should do.
As it is, it looks hopeless and i jolly well have no idea about what is going on.
Mentally tormenting, this is.

*stares straight ahead, feeling yet again like a straight line that wavers every few seconds*

It is clear he wants nothing to do with me, so... there. He will have his wish.

*** ***

Went to Starbucks with a couple of buddies on wednesday and happened to met a sec sch friend who was working behind the counter...
Thanks SO MUCH HAIKAL! (not that you'd be reading this, but anyway)
So sweet of you and really appreciate it...

Saw another sec sch friend but didn't say hi.

*** ***

I learnt something valuable today about archery.

It is no simple task to get that nice looking yellow circle.
It's not just: pick up your bow, nock that arrow, and *zoing!*, *TA!*, and WALA.
What i mean is,
Archery is not as 2-dimensional as you might think, or as it might look.
Just a point of realization that i was told about many times before, but only had a taste of, today.

Initially when you begin, and if you start off well, you think: Whoopee, i'm goood...

But then, there will be a times when you:
1. hit a plateau
2. suay, suay had a bad day resulting in a less focused mind
3. are off form
4. missed a week
5. Discouraged by a previous practice.

Therefore, hampering good performance.

Today was such a day...

I started off really bad and felt so awful i messaged two friends.
Bless their hearts...
Never fail to make me feel better or offer some kind and truthful words.

One key thing i have learnt today about archery is this,
(IF you want to get back to form from a low point, keep these in mind):

1. It's very psychological. In the mind.
You are going to go nowhere if you keep getting discouraged each time by a bad shot.
You should treat each arrow as an individual and not cling onto the memory of a bad shot.
Getting yourself positively psyched up is very important of you want that yellow/bull's eye.
Change your attitude, move AWAY from the bad and negative HOLE of BAD emotions and thoughts. Instead, RE-PSYCH yourself, do a mental make-over.
Get that mind back into the drill and motion of archery.
Get the feeling back, get the mood, get the mental strength and focus back onto the target and why you can hit it.
Once you see the results, hang on to the positivity and believe in youself.

2.PERSEVERENCE.
Keep trying... and Keep trying.
With repeated shots and the effort of changing your mindset, you will effectively see the slow progress of the arrows clustering back again.
Don't give up. It takes time to reset(grab all the flying frays of thought, form and attitude back and fuse them together), as it were, again and therefore you must keep at it.

I cannot say i am fully back in form but i feel slightly better.
I guess it is because i began to see results only towards the end of practice.
So, not much time to consolidate what i have gained back.

By the way...

I HAVE GOTTEN MY SURE-LOC BOW SIGHT!!!
WOOOOTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pretty, pretty...
I don't dare to take it out from the plastic cover.
Cost me a $#%%^$^& bomb, i tell you.

Coach could see how excited i was about getting my bow, though i was trying hard to hide it.
He bought himself a Hoyt Compound Bow, 60 pounds.
WAH.
It is VERY VERY VERY PRETTY!
*green...*
Well, i gotta start off somewhere, and definitely not with a Hoyt.

Oh, and i discovered via my shooting kaki, that just before practice, the team runs for about 30min around the Christian cemetery just opposite the range...

Till Then.
*Ok, psychology experiment, coming right up.*

General Feeling: BLAH

Alwyn:
"...cares of this world just kill the few desires of our heart." It resonates.
Heh, maybe you could consider (though i think i might have some inkling you already have...) working with National Geographic. With your passion for photography and spirit of adventure... Woo.
The "job" to find a good christian man just got harder as i read your comment.
*sighs*

Huimin:
Ho sister. Haha, yez. Long commentz, me like. Yes, and i am glad for entertainment.
*more, more*
You know? It was just a few days ago when i studied and had a lecture on that psychoanalysis mumbo jumbo by our dear Mr Freud.
I am glad... you don't subscribe to all of that.
Penis Envy. (???) Er... Have a comment but best to not say..... 8-I

"Tsk. Scum aren't they? *grins*" (hahahha!!!)

Freud seems to have a lot of things to say about anything, and that it relates to something sexual.

*** ***

Right.
Today's saturday...
First to granny's, than to school, now at home and feeling...
Feeling like a straight line.

My eyes hurt, my shoulder is peeling from last week's sunburn.

Blah, is how i feel.
A few things, let me ramble in the most deadpan of ways.

1.
I have not laid a finger on my bow. Yuh. And Why...?
Despite the reservations made for my bow, the dealer accidentally, or otherwise, sold it off. So, coach comes back with just my Sure-Loc sight.
Well, i'm mumbling under my breath, but hey.
Things happen all for a reason. And it could've been worse.
So i've to wait for about a further month. Since the next batch of bows will only arrive in the Philippines at the end of this month.
*shrug*

2.
I have 2 psychological experiments to run and reports to do in the schmall space of TWO measly weeks.
My classmate felt better after i told her i hadn't started yet either. *grin*

3.
Am discouraged by last week's performance at the range. Why? My mind was really somewhere far off.
I am not sure that tomorrow will be any different. I will just have to psych myself for the whole of tonight.
Need to get into a positive frame of mind for practice tomorrow.
Kinda hard when i am mentally tired out.

4.
I feel the flames of anger, its heat just a breath away.
Feathery whisperings of hatred abound.
How is it possible to appease?
I know no way.
I stare ahead empty.
Mind still and blank.
That will be all thus far.
Very well.

5.'
I need to stock up to prepare for training.
My track shoes since those days of yore are getting too airy for comfort.
If you know what i mean.
But sports gear just don't come cheap. I am already spending a bomb on my equipment.
There goes a couple more hundred bucks.

*** ***

*mmuuuhhrrrrrr.........*
Been feeling awfully anti-social lately.
Must be my pathetic state of absent mental strength.

Have not felt this alone in a while.
It is a good thing that next week, is my get-together-with-friends week.
Miss you guys and really glad we'll be meeting up soon.

It's not like i have nothing to do.
I have plenty.
I know some things are crying out for my attention, waving their little transparent arms at me...
But i have not the heart to lift a finger.

Good thing i have church service tomorrow.

Till Then.
*To all my friends... See you guys soon yeah. Miss you.*

Men and relationships

The think the new blogger layout is extremely friendly for my laptop's format and screen.
KUDOS to the people at BLogger!

Weizhen:
Nope, i will not name my bow until i actually see it and use it.
When i think i "know" it well enough... i will christen it... WOO! i have my dad's officer sword. I can knight it then.
Heh. Jo and her nonsense.
Hahaa, oh my flute? Samy is doing ok, if not collecting a bit of dust...
Samy is still looking good though, looking as good as new.
Nice to see you back again. Exams over, yah?

Alwyn:
My WORD... You know all those things that you mentioned you said you might be embarking on soon? they are JUST the kinds of things i always dream of doing but never had the guts to do it.
Heh, yeah. Think you are going to need to recuperate after your Mt Ophir climb. Precarious stuff but hey... priceless. A discovery of self.
Wookay, will keep the date in mind. Really hope i can make it for the rugby match. An all-time traditional favourite school match.

Huimin:
PRECISELY. It's like...
"He is a true blue American COWBOY"

*scowls and disappointed looking catty women*

"BUT. He's worth 80 MILLION dollars!"

*suddenly, the light in every of the women's eyes spark up by a few thousand watts*
DISGUSTING!!!


You know, seeing comments in the commentary box never fails to make me happy, even when i feel poopy.
Your comments mean something to me.
Thanks, you guys.

I am also aware though, that there are unseen guests...
HELLO you people! *waves*

*** ***

Ok, now it's men slamming time.

Feeling cheesed and if i do not get it out of my system, i won't be able to study.

I cannot and do not trust men easily.
They have to either REALLY prove themselves, or i have to know them VERY well or they have to be SUPER God fearing and SPOTLESSLY clean.

But which guy ever is?

I think my moral standards for a good male for me is too high for anyone to achieve.
One way or another, i am going to pick out something that pisses me off and then he's going to get bombarded.

I have read, heard and seen too much to trust the male species.

Sometimes, i just think...
-times when i just feel as if having a good relationship is as hopeless as me becoming a siren...-

Why bother going through so much pain and hurt of unmet expectations.
Look at the world today.
How can i possibly commit?

It is just SO hard!

Men do not change overnight.
If they do, it is really worth being suspicious over.
I question the motives.

Why isn't there someone i can completely trust.

My gripe(s) about men is...
THOSE BLEEDIN' OGLING AND ROVING EYES!!!
AND OVERACTIVE SEX DRIVES!
EGO!
LACK OF CONTROL!!!

ARGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe i'm generalizing.
Maybe i'm being too harsh.

But i will say to you.
Can YOU PLEASE prove me wrong?

If you can, i would LOVE to meet that eligible man you are standing up for,
OR,
I would LOVE to meet YOU.(if you claim to be that wonderful MORAL-OOZING male)

I am plagued by, "What's he doing?", "What's he thinking?", "What?", "Why?", "How?"...

This world is evil, cruel, ugly.
Shrouded.

No man on this Earth is perfect.
Therefore i cannot expect such a man to materialize.

Look at the sort of nonsense you get in university dorms alone?
I cannot stand for it.

What do i have to do?
Lower my expectations and learn how to trust?

But how can i do that? I am a stickler for Morals, Christian values, Honesty... the whole array.
I expect that of myself and i know i need someone who has set the same standards for himself.

A cry for good, God fearing men.

Where art thou?

In church, i hear?
Some would surprise you...

As for females...

We have our own set of bad points and stories of infidelity that men will gripe about.
Grant that much.

But that is out of the point.

It is MEN i have a problem with, not women!

Till Then.
*Joline is TRYING hard to remain nonchalant about her bow that is soon to be on the way*

Bouts of doubt

That's just how i am feeling now.
Lots of things running through my head.
Prodding, analysing, hypothesizing, wondering...

ALwyn:
*sheepish smile*
Nay, it is not Isreal...
It is one of those places where fights can break out. Not a safe place for Christians either.
And i must thank you again for that gorgeous sunrise photo.
Wish could've been there to take it all in!
So... when's the next mountain climbing stint? :-)

Huimin:
Ho Honey... hahaha, all right, all right. I love Jed.
Btw, he has begun destruction works on another drawer.
My dad went donkers.

1.
I have paid for my bow. It is a PSE Supra compound bow. I do not know the EXACT model.
It's going to be "blind date" ( as a friend has very, very aptly put it) of sorts between my bow and me.
Not that i have not seen how such a model generally looks.
I just have not seen how this PARTICULAR, SPECIFIC bow i am buying, looks like.

Now, the bow and accessories aren't cheap. It adds up to a hefty sum, for a non-working student like me.

Note:
So ANYONE who wants to ask me out during the hols, better: 1. treat me or 2. be considerate and bring me to a cheapo place to eat, or 3. er... be grateful if i offer you a chip if i buy my own food.
OKOK, i'm KIDDING.

Just a few days ago while at my study table, i realized that i am officially going to own my very own LEGAL WEAPON.

The most expensive thing to date that i own due to hard work/some form of pain, is my Yamaha flute.

This is something even BIGGER.

While revelling in that bit of... revelation (for lack of a better word) , (oh yes, jo can be so blur, that she doesn't realize things until a few days later...)
As i was saying. What was i saying?

Oh yes.

As i was drinking in the fact, i found myself saying (yes, i DO TALK to MYSELF) "Oh my ****, my ****, come to me... I love you!"
Then in a more serious tone, it just came and i said mentally... "I paid a price for you."

(i am saying the above with a degree of embarrassment. But i'm being honest!)

Then it hit me.

Here i was thinking so fondly of my bow i have not even got to touch or see.
Suddenly, i just felt this strong emotion bubbling within me.

It's like, when you have spent a fortune on something so precious and something that you really want so much that you know you would just LOVE it no matter what.

Ever felt like that before?

So, the bottom line is this:
That is just how GOD feels about us.
He loved and still loves us so much, he died FOR us. Unworthy lot we are.
Not that He never knew us before. He knows all.

But He DIED for us. He paid THAT PRICE FOR US.
He feels so strongly for each of us.
And He wants us to come to him, as his children.

A little insight into how the Father feels.

Not that it is comparable, no, no.
What He did, is FAR GREATER.

Just that i know how the process feels like.
Gives me greater understanding on how God feels for his people.
And it reminds me that there are people out there who seriously need God.

I am open for your work Lord.
Just tell me what you want me to do.

2.
Might drive some females out there mad when i say this.

"Who cares?"
"Shush! Evil twin sister, you will not speak unless spoken to, and no one in his or her right mind would want to speak to you, so don't get mouthy, you hear?"
"Oh? It's my blog too and i can move your fingers."
"... You'll have your way this time."

Forgive her, she needs some speech space.

As i was saying. I think women are SOOO CATTY.
I can't think of a better word to describe us, as the other human counterpart to the males.

CAts can look so evil with their slitted and narrowed eyes, and so do women when they are angry.
We are unpredictable and dangerous.
When it comes to men... some of us really go to lengths to snare him.

Think of a cat stalking that innocuous little birdie that was minding its own business... *shiver*
There is both beauty and ugliness about it.

And then cats have their charm. The way they twirl and twine, cuddle, rub and purr...
Ptah...
Sounds exactly like the women on this season's "Joe Millionaire".

I feel sick just seeing the trailers. Or when it is on (the tv channel just happens to be tuned on it), it is quite offputting.

The whole show is lowdown grot.
Morals, virtues, inner beauty...
Wot? Wot are those?

Maybe the media is just multiplying the money-minded business a million sizes too large.
In case some viewers cannot do their own discerning.

I think, in this "game" of "grabbing the guy"... I'm just no good.

Not to say i am an angel... Gads, NO.
But i can't see myself blatantly going after a fella.
If he doesn't say/do anything, i wouldn't.

3.
As you will already know, i am buying a compound bow.
I've visited the website of the brand i am buying my bow from.
And i am appalled to find that hunting beautiful beasts like the Polar Bear and some other kinds of deer, are permitted.
Or is it? I dunno.
But they sure go hunting with them PSE bows.

But i felt... ARGH! I don't want to be related or associated with anything that kills animals for sport!!!
But it is too late.
As a friend said... Compound bows are for hunting.

I was reading a little on their exploits in the wild, how they look out for gorgeous bucks. (not money)
I mean... Hello??? You pick out the studs to kill.... how about the poor ole does?

Sure, they are probably more out there... But hey, why the need to kill them animals anyways.

Then again, people in other countries have their own way of thought and culture.
And Buck Hunting happens to be one of them.
*sobs*

It is gruesome.

Till Then.
*I am going to name my compound bow..."

Long Post. Filter if need be.

YALI:
Yo SISTER! WA! I've not heard from u in AGES!!! (ok, exaggerating here, but hey, miss you!)
I suppose you'll be ending your exams soon... Er, so i heard about the conflicting news reports about some examination answers begin posted on the net. Hope that does not affect you... Though it was for accounting students.
HAHAha, was laughing about your lack of brain cells. Aw, don't worry. In fact, your neurons should be working better after examinations!
We shall meet up okokok...?

1.
It is very depressing to hear of people dying, as of late.
I know people have been dying all over already for the longest time, but recently, i guess it has hit home and i've been keeping with the news.
First, collapse of the Nicoll Highway, Second, the collapse at the worksite at Fusionpolis and Now, the stabbing of a sales assistant at West Mall on saturday.
A SHOPPING MALL, mind you! With a whole concentration of people in an enclosed area. Not that he was a mad man, but the fact that he did it in full view of the public!
It was reported that the suspect, or rather, the murderer (oh please, as much as the "innocent until proven guilty" thing says... ) was loitering around on friday itself.
He RETURNED to complete the abhorrent deed the next day. That means that he had a day to sleep over the decision.
What does that say?
Murder was on his mind already.
For how long, only the assailant REALLY knows.

2.
What do you think of guys who switch focus of affection in less than a few weeks, plus, to a person he never felt for before.
Jerk... or simply Starved...
They should never be allowed to breed, for the sake of future generations of womankind.

3.
I felt that i had accomplished enough work on wednesday, so i decided to give myself a little break on thursday.
Not much of a break really. But just some fresh air.
Well then again, not quite.
*sigh*
I really must try to let loose sometimes.
You see, i do not go out unless i have a reason to. I must have something to accomplish. I don't see myself going out just to "hang out".
TO me, i don't find it possible.
IF anything, the closest it would get would be... If i go out for the purpose of EXPLORING. So that means walking around withOUT a particular direction in mind, BUT doing so for the purpose of DISCOVERY.

Anyway, yeah. I went out on thursday to top up the bus card.
After which, i walked by Macs towards the bus stop.
Being deprived of late, of fast food and especially fries, i decided to indulge.

The real point of this, is this.

As i sat, like just one of the many random people who sit along the walkway on tiled seating outside Bestway, i noticed an old lady opposite me.
Now, she was eating "gao luck" (pronounced as such but not sure of real spelling).
With her, were a few filled NTUC bags.

As i am munching on my fries, she was munching on her chestnuts.

And i thought:
- Look at the different things we are eating.
Not to generalize for sure. But me, from the generation of fast food. Her, the older generation enjoying the treats from the past.
- How would i be like when i get to her age?
- *reflects on way of life and lifestyle, how blessed i am, how unstable my life is, how i have not achieved very much*
Then i think.
- Would i be able to support my family next time? (if i would be so... -hm, privileged? subjective- to have a family)
- Would i end up just being a person who toils and toils in a low paying job, living a less comfortable life than i have now?
Though i might have everything i need now, that does not mean i will be living in the same luxury in future.
- She looks contented with where she is and what she was doing. Where will i be at her age? Can i live contentedly too?

And so the bottom line is this:
I am going to make sure my kids get all the things i have now. I am not seriously deprived, i was never ill treated, i have been blessed from the day i was born.
But it scares me too, that my life is in its beginning stages and if i do not get my qualifications, it is going to be difficult to survive in a society such as ours.
Some people still make it despite the odds. But me? I have been too sheltered and spoonfed.
If i will be thrown into such a situation... God Help. I won't be able to cope on my own.

4.
Made a trip to safra on friday with coach. Not many compound bows to choose from.
Safra had a couple of Mathews, a PSE, and a Darton, i think.
Coach has a better idea. I have to decide on whether i want to take up that idea.
But anyway... i have made my choice.
I have decided to join the national training team.

I hope that in time, i will gain the full support of my family, my friends and potential team mates.
This is a slightly life altering decision.

I do not feel that i am not at peace with my decision.
I guess i feel pretty all right about it after making my decision.
But the thing that unsettles me is fear of what's COMING.
I suppose that is natural for any newbie.

5.
How would you feel if BOTH your parents take on a mission trip to a country that is a ticking time bomb?
"Trust God", we all think.
It is hard... :-(

6.
Recently, we thought that our beloved dog Jed was having asthma attacks.
Brought him to the vet and discovered that the "attacks" he was having were called "Reverse Sneezing".
That is when he "forgets" how to function and starts warping himself up.
Happens when they get excited or... it just happens as and when.

It is common among dogs actually.
My previous dog had the same problem.

But now that we know what that is, i am wondering what exactly took his life.
In his last hours, he had a breathing problem.
It was a strange affliction that took him within 1-2 days.

We didn't want Jed to leave us the same way Prints (last dog) did.

Jed is a spoilt little brat. Everyone loves and hates him at the same time.
He's a devilish angel, all packaged in a small frame.

He has destroyed 1 and a 1/2 drawers and a few pieces of wooden furniture.

He:
1. looks like a dog
2. eats like a pig
3. climbs like a mountain goat
4. jumps like a kangeroo
5. Trots like a hackney pony
6. probably barks louder than a German Sheppard
7. mad as a hat
8. mischievous as a monkey
9. steals like a well trained bandit
10. has a personality bigger than himself and big enough to embarrass a dog thrice his size.
11. Probably "suffers" from "i'm a Doberman" complex too. (haha)

I could go on and on and on about his exploits around the house.

If not for the charges we'd be slapped with by the law, we would've thrown him out the window already.

Aiya... but that's just how Miniature Pinschers are.
Too big for their little paws.

7.
Been raining for the past few hours.
It's SUNDAY! My ARCHERY DAY!
BLAH... I've not left the house yet as i'm waiting for a good time. I hope that just because the west end of Singapore might have ended its share of the downpour, the east will start its downpour.
That's the whole problem with outdoor sports and being in Singapore.
The friggin' weather.

Ok. Gotta go.
Ta-ta all.
Always appreciate visitors. :-)

Till Then.
*Joline needs Discipline*

Positivity

Alwyn:
Thanks a lot. I have to figure that one out though. Think long and hard over it.
6 days a week! Really no joke.
And old man doesn't like the sound of it now that they have changed it.

*** ***

There was a woman. Young she is, 36.

I believe she was living a life of her own. Successful, yuppie type of lifestyle. Being able to travel, work abroad, with a pretty decent job.

But one day she awoke to find that she had a monstrous headache that wouldn't go away.
And her colleagues would visit her everyday to see how she was faring but it got no better.
When she went to see the doctor in New York, where she was based at, she discovered that she had some nerve and vein problems in her brain.
In addition, she had also suffered a stroke. A 4cm by 4cm clot in her brain was detected.

She could not fly back immediately to Singapore as it was too dangerous.

When she did return, she lived her life as though it was a dream. Her balanced was messed up, her right side of her body was impaired because of the clot in her left brain.
There was so many things she could no longer do.
The extent of the damage was something no one should go through.

She kept telling her friends... "Wake me up, Wake me up from this dream..."
Her world was nothing like what it used to be.

Anyhow, then a friend brought her to a place where people could help.
In a few months (2-3 months or so), a miracle happened.

She woke up one morning to find that she felt... Different.
She felt, something was different about her today. She felt... something had CHANGED.

She knew her doctor told her that she should not swim unless she had someone to watch over her.
But guess what.
She went downstairs to the pool and jumped in. And SHE SWAM.
She swam, and swam BETTER than she did before the incident.

The doctor told her that the clot was to take at least 6 months to clear.
But no.
She was HEALED!

Even the doctor was astounded.

*** ***

And last week, she was in church to tell us all about it.
When she came forward, she said, "I can't even believe that i was ever sick!"

She was born into a christian family but left the church for 15-20years.

But that day, things changed for her. And she is now a living testimony that God heals.

Even though she had strayed, God still loved her and healed her when she decided to return to the Father.

She knows that God is trying to tell her something.

The place that her friend brought her to, was the Healing Rooms, it is so named.
It is a ministry in our church that serves to open doors to people who need healing from their ailments.

She is not the only one who has experienced healing through the power of God.

*** ***

The Lord never turns away someone who sincerely comes crying back to Him.
He does not gloat, He never rejects, He never drives away.

Instead, He welcomes with open, loving arms.
Just like in the story of the Prodigal Son.

In life, God needs to throw something at us before we realize or learn anything.
We are like repeats of the Isrealites back in history.

God had to teach and discipline the people that He loved.
And that is how we are like to Him today.

*** ***

I love japanese rice.
With the seasoning and stuff.
(the sesame seeds, seaweed, and other whatnots that are brown in colour but tastes good)

Mom made a new pot of it this morning. HEAVENLY!
Dump egg, beef/prawns onto the thing and wala!

Ooohh... Yum.

*** ***

Want to get my PDL today.
Hopefully can also summon guts to call up Clint.
*eeekk!!!*

*** ***

Have not been feeling well for the past few days.
Guts have been acting up on me, making me feel miserable and uncomfortable.
Not that i've been puking, but i feel lousy.

Gotta go. Have to get work done if i want to get out today.

Hmmm.....

Been having a slightly quieter time.
Could be quieter. I wish it so.
I need some peace to gather myself together, quieten my mind, calm my heart and control my emotions.

*** ***

Went to the outdoor range yesterday from 1pm till 6pm. HA.

And my mom tagged along throughout the whole 5 hours. I must contragulate her on her perserverence.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Reading the papers from cover to cover in the shade but in the HEAT.

I hope NOW she believes that i can REALLY shoot for 5 hours non-stop in the heat and sun.
And it is not as if i escape somewhere to meet my secret taleban boyfriend.
*rolls eyes*

My dad and mom got to meet Simon and Clint.

My dad believes he was being sweet talked into letting me join the team.
I agree.
Buttered me up like dunno wad. Embarrassing lor.

Anyway, i did ok even with mom and Simon around. I guess i am moving on.
Not as scared as before.

Groupings were better this week than last week. Still inconsistent.
But i can safely say that when it is inconsistent, it's not horribly off. It's like, in red or blue.
State of mind and body, i suppose.

I had one bull's eye! YAY!

I started archery in march and i guess progress is not too bad. Considering i only go once a week.
HA.

I have learnt that training is everyday, cept monday.
Not 4 times per week.

My old man does NOT like that.

CRUD. I've been wondering and worrying about whether i can handle it.
I've learnt of two girls in NUS who have not decided whether to join either.
ARGH.

My form still sucks big time.

*chuckle*

Then, i am suppose to call Clint to make a trip to SAFRA. ARGH.
This is a super tough decision.

LORD, help me.
My life is yours, my days are yours.
Have it YOUR way.

Life

Life is an interesting thing.

So many experiences.

Time holds so much that can occur. Just within that space.

Then you think of how much more of life you have.

You meet some, you lose some.

You think of how comprehensive it all is.

I know so little. I have experienced so little.

It takes guts to step out.

My cooped up protective life shields me.

Count me blessed or cursed.
Most would say blessed.

I guess life would resume back to "normal".
But with a huge wound that needs to heal. And i will live with the scar.

Life would go back to how Joline once saw it.
School, JC friends, church, archery.
Carefree except for school work.

Relationship? What is that?

Joline will have no more emotional responsibilities.

It is empty.

But at the back of her mind, she knows he still lingers.

She does not know how and what.

She just wants to be alone. To be alone. To heal.

So new, all these.

All part of Life.

Onward Christian Soldier!

*** ***

Clint called to say to come check out a compound bow.

Second hand but very new. $1100. Was told only used once.
Includes: arrow rest, scope and sight and case.

Excludes: stabilizer, arrows and trigger. Prolly the arm guard also.

The scope itself costs a bomb. Can be up to $500, if it's from the brand Sure-Loc.

So, the bare bow itself really doesn't cost very much. That's IF it is a Sure-Loc sight.
Will be poking around tomorrow.

Having to juggle school and potential archery training is something of a daunting task.

The more i think of it, the more i feel afraid.
But i know that if i continue being afraid of being challenged, my kind of life and mentality is useless to me.

I cannot be wallowing away at home, taking my own sweet time.
Sure, my grades have been coming back, making me grin from ear to ear.
But i had so much time, no challenges.

Add some funk.

It is going to help me to focus more, make better use of my time.
To stop dreaming, getting it going on.

Recent events have made me turn to God more and i think i will finally get up and find a cell group.

Priorities.
God, School, Archery and er... (dd..r..r....iiii...vv....ing...) *shudder*

Can i handle it?
Training will take up 4 days per week.

I know that when i focus, i can get things done. (school work)
The side effects are just acute exhaustion after that.

But if that's what it is going to take. So Be It.

I was psychologically psyched up to prove i could achieve some time ago. But the drive has lessened into doubt.

I feel less sure of being able to prove myself.
But i think once i start getting into the groove, i will be fine.

*** ***

It was a desire, within me, to do something for the republic.

Ever since i stepped onto he field, i've tried to keep God in mind.

I am wondering if this path was opened to me because God decided upon it.

I fear that at some point, i will step away from God's agenda. That, i do not want.
I want to cling onto Him. Every step of the way.

PAIN

The truth was revealed in the most terrible manner.

Cold fear gripped my heart.

Tears flowed as i spoke.

Now only pain stabs my heart.

The pain of lost, the pain of suspicion and mistrust.

I have NEVER, EVER felt like this.

To have had feelings but, before anything could happen, future has been snuffed out.

Parental disapproval.

PAIN. PAIN. PAIN. PAIN. PAIN.

ACHE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am dumb, hurt, silenced.

I can only cry softly to God.
Or wail.

But that would bring my whole confounded family on me like a pack of hounds.

Twisting, pining, numb, ache.

Mistrust, suspicion, reflection.

ALONE.

Pain.
That pretty much sums up everything.

My eyes hurt from crying.

The music playing in the background is the only thing keeping me sane.

Thank God tomorrow's saturday. Church.

OH LORD MY GOD, HELP.

Listening to "Firm Foundation" (kinda ironic, considering recent occurrences)

May the Lord have His way in my life.
Let me not fight for what I want but follow instead His agenda.
Remind me to depend fully upon the Lord.
Let me cling onto His every word, His every will for my life.
Help me to trust You completely.

*** ***

Question:
How do you know when something that is staring in your face is part of God's plan?

Easy answer: Pray.

Question:
How do you differentiate between thoughts and God's voice?

Answer: When God speaks, you will know.

Question:
What if you don't get a response?

Answer: Er... Wait? Continue praying... i guess.

Such instances make life quite hard. When you are feeling lost and are relying on God, somehow... It seems all quiet up there.

*** ***

The collapse of Nicoll Highway came as a full shock.
No more can we go on thinking that nothing can happen to us.
Who would have thought that this would happen in good old Singapore, the highly successful island, with first class facilities. (well, mostly)
Like many have said, it is a miracle that no passenger vehicles on the highway sunk along with the highway.
Furthermore, workers who were working were "partially saved" as they were having a break during the collapse.

It is like this email i received.

It's entitled the Small Things.
I'm not sure about the reliability of the email but you can never be sure that it is lying either.

It speaks of how some people were spared death during the 9/11 attack.
For example,

1. My kid got sick so i had to bring her to the doctor
2. I tripped over a stone and twisted my ankle so i couldn't get to work on time...
...

That sort of thing.

It's these little "ANNOYING" things in life that may actually have spared us our lives.

I stand by the fact that nothing ever happens by chance.

*** ***

I have a very bored pet dog in my room.

He's telling me, in doggy language, to play with him.
But i am typing out a blog entry and attempting to crank out a good psychology essay.

*** ***

What is Love?
I shall go check out the Bible's definition.
And make a check list for the feelings i have.

*** ***

Apparently, one of the archers i was introduced to on sunday found me on Friendster. And he knows... Pdus! Cool.


Got to go.

Till Then.
*Will someone PLEASE sell me your compound bow?*

Whoopee...

First and Foremost:

1. Friend has decided to return back to Christ!!!!!!!! OH!!!! HOOHOOHOH!!!!!! HAPPY!!!!!!!! HAPPY!!!!!!!!
AHH!!!!!!!!!!

2. Thank you all for responding to the previous entry, both in comments and sms. It is really nice to know that you care. What will i do without you. *BIG HUG TO ALL*
I really appreciate it.

3. There was more to it then plain rejection.

*** ***

Things have FINALLY settled down and i hope and PRAY that it's going to stay this way.
I am too tired to carry on arguing and fighting. It doesn't help too that sms can be such a pain.
Sms is like the most discrete form of communication. Especially good when you have parents like mine.

My parents are PROTECTIVE, can be overreactive like potassium in water (is that correct? My chemistry all give back to Mr Paul Cheong already), they are CONSERVATIVE, TRADITIONAL, a bit the CLOSED-MINDED.

Hello... I have a friend who has a mom who,
1. likes him to drink, YES, DRINK ALCOHOL with her. And NO, she is NOT WACKO.
2. dyed his hair FOR him. I think it was... orange.

What a difference.

*** ***

I watched "The Passion of the Christ" on saturday.

I was prepared for a gory, violent show.
I can't say i shed tears enough to feed my dog.
In fact, i didn't really feel emotionally stirred at all.

Am i heartless and insensitive?
I am actually.
But I also say it has something to do with the expectation prior to the show.

But what it HAS done for me though, is this:

It served to me as a reminder that
God is REAL.
God LOVES us.
And just LOOOOK at him. So obedient, patient and kind.
Gentle, like a little lamb.

Do you think any human today will go through all that for his friends, without uttering a curse at least once?
NO!

What Love is This?
God's Love.
God IS Love.
Isn't that such a wonderful truth?

Our lives are in no better hands.
If you think Christians are insane to let their lives be controlled by some unseen force/spirit...
Well, apparently, this unseen force/spirit is very very very caring and loving.
How can we not trust such a being to take care of us.

Of late, because of QT being done in the mornings, i can safely say that i'm beginning to love spending time with God. It wasn't like this some time ago.

By the way, listening to Christian music when one is down is a sure remedy to calm and soothe the soul.
What better way to seek solace.
Everytime there's turmoil, you know someone is there to help.
He works in mysterious ways...

Ah... Bliss in God.

*** ***

Finished church service today, had lunch with family and god bro and his mom.
THEN LEFT FOR ARCHERY!!!!!!!

OH, FOR THE LOVE OF IT!

I was there from 1:05pm to 6:36pm. ( i remembered the log in and out time)

WA. I got sunburnt and thus "earned my strips" as an archer.
Have got these super obvious untanned lines.

My calves are darker then my white chicken thighs. ( was wearing berms)
My face is red with sun kissed splotches.
Very unglam looking tan. Hahahhaa...

My favourite part of the day.

When my shooting kaki and i decided to have some fun at 30m. WOOOTT!

Before he came, i was having my own practice at 18-20m. I must say i've improved lots. And i feel so contented.
Actually had all 5-6 arrows in yellow. And this regular while walking by, gave me some encouragement! *beams*

So when my kaki came, i felt confident enough to move on to 30m. (Simon and Frankie weren't around... So, play around a bit LAH!)
And goodness!!! It started out really funny because we were hitting targets all right... NOT OUR OWN ! We kept shooting into each others targets without meaning to. Which were next to each other. Teeheehee, had so much fun laughing at each other.

But of course, things got better after adjusting the sights.
I'm so happy... I didn't lose any arrows and i managed to hit yellows!
VERY INCONSISTENT though. Some were probably flukes but overall, not bad for a 30m stint, PLUS, the targets were not the regular size ones. They were smaller.

Oh.

And i spoke to the National Coach, Clint.
He says that he'll be looking around for a 2nd hand Compound for me and he says he hopes to see me around soon training with the national team.
*uh........*

Suddenly the thought of it seems almost dreamlike. Unreal.

I was introduced to two national team shooters. Pretty young guys, methinks. Younger than me, at least.

I could hardly remember their names.
But one of them remembered mine.
Was quite shocked when he said goodbye to me before jumped into the car and left.

Everyone seems to be chinese speaking, and there i was, some chinese illiterate. Pathetic.

My parents didn't believe that i was shooting at the range the whole time.
They thought i galavented somewhere.
See how neurotic they are.
Hello, Joline LOVES ARCHERY... why'd she go anywhere...?

I'm back with a
1. remarkably uneven tan,
2. red face,
3. aching right shoulder joint
4. bruises on my left arm.
5. two tingling right fingers. (i need a good finger tab...)

FOR THE LOVE OF THE SPORT!

Till Then
*The Heart Sings.*

Sad.

I hate doing this.
And this is the second time it has happened.

I hate rejection and i hate to reject.

The hurt in my heart is mirrored in the other party's.
But his hurt is a few times mine.

I do not wish to boast. I do not want to come across as a braggart.
Am just feeling SO DARN MISERABLE.

Imagine someone hurting BECAUSE of you. Who ever likes to make ANYONE hurt? (apart from out of spite/revenge)
This is downright cruel. But i had no choice.
All i wanted to do was to help.

Why.
Why.
Why.

The human soul.
The human emotions.
The human body.
All Broken.

Love. Such a word.
So much joy, so much pain.

OH LORD HELP!
Be his solace and mine.
If he would only open his heart to hear.

Out of Hand...

Alwyn:
Thanks Alwyn. I agree with you and been trying to act on your advice.
It sure is comforting to receive advice from a fellow Christian, and better still, someone who's been there and done that.

Not long ago, our church gave us 2 little booklets.
One book was on how to tell people about Christ after watching "Godspell".
The other book was one which we're suppose to give out as a gospel tract.

I think those two books are invaluable bits of help concerning how to "bring" prebelievers to Christ.

Thank God for them.

Yup. For people who have had negative experiences and aren't receptive, it is best to just treat them with tender loving care, be of good christian character (Thanks Alwyn) and give tracts or things to do with God......

Been trying to be a good friend to him but things have taken a twist.
Use a little imagination and i think you will get my implication.

Have not been feeling as down as a few days ago.
I feel somewhat mercifully detached but still able to be friend. But i have something new and delicate to deal with.
And it's not going to be easy.

Lord God, please help.

***

Went to SAFRA last sunday and discovered that the lady there wasn't the mom of David but they're like... cousins!
(oooohhh!)

The best part is, she's in the national team. And in the women's compound team.
WOOT!
She was telling me that the national team needs to train up more women compound bow shooters. No surprises there.
Gladly...

I got a bull's eye at 18m! WOO!!!
With compound, it's easier.

Got to go.
Really hope things will come to a rest. A low, constant buzz will be fine.
I can't take roller coaster emotional rides no more.

Till Then.
*Read your bible, Pray everyday. You will grow, grow, grow...*

Please pardon my evil twin.
Although i think she has made a point i might probably choose to make use of at some point in time.

Ever felt weird because you were trying to tell someone about God even though you had issues with Him yourself?

Last night was as such.

Just cannot begin to express how broken i feel inside. (let's use "X" to denote someone i know)

X is someone i just met recently and X has been sharing with me quite appalling things from his past and present life. It is a wonder how he is able to carry on daily life without going totally insane.
X isn't all that young so that would mean he has been going through some pretty "good" crap.

His situation is unspeakably awful. I can only DESCRIBE the sadness of it all but i cannot go into details.
Those of you out there who might be going through a rough patch or have gone through some, might want to consider speaking to him.
You will not only realize that you're not alone, but there're some people whose situations can be far worse.

Was trying to tell him how God can change his life. God can turn it all around, from something so bad to something good. When God is in the middle, He can turn great sadness into a great testimony.

But there was no way i could persuade him. I don't believe in forcing God down a person's throat. I can't change his mind. I can only tell him but only he can change his own mind.
He's been through so much. I can only nod and say "i understand"... but i never really will. The pain of his predicament is just too great for sheltered-me to comprehend.

Felt terrible that here i was, a christian, trying to tell someone about God, but never having felt the fullness of God at all.

If i were a psychologist or psychiatrist hearing of his problems, WITHOUT having developed a friendship, it wouldn't have such an impact on me.
When he shares his load, i can feel the burden transferring over to me as well.
I know it should not have this kind of negative effect on me, but it is happening. Am feeling down already.

Was i put in this position for a reason? Well, i believe things don't happen coincidentally.
In addition to the problems, we had an argument. Things are just so complicated.
Just two weeks ago, i was carefree with no notion of someone so in need of help.
This day, i suddenly feel as if i have some responsibility to bear.

HOW CAN I HELP?
He jolly well knows i can't help him, says no one can... and staunchly says not even God can. It hurts to hear the whole thing.

It is tragic that on this Earth, some people just have to endure so much pain and loss.
His spirit is just so worn and tattered from all the stones and barbed ammunition that is constantly being lobbed at him.

I want to just push him away. Push him away so that i needn't feel sad. Push him away so that there's one less worry in life.
But even an idiot would know that that is a selfish, abhorrent thing to do.

But if i were to stick with it, i pray... I really PRAY that GOD would help me endure through it.
It is sucking the life out of me.

I know the real person in need here, is X.

God Help. God, PLEASE Help.

Theoretically, i know God never forsakes his children. But ever felt so far from God?

Perhaps my emotions are getting the better of me.
I should learn to be stronger. Both in mind and in emotion.
Learn to know what should bother me and what should not.
Learn how to partition feelings and thoughts from what's at hand.

Turmoil.

Turmoil.

Turmoil.

Heart is aching.

Before i ramble.
Happy Good Friday to ALL.

The day where we remember that God came down as a man, Jesus Christ, to take up the world's sins upon himself and die in our place.
We deserved to die. But no.
To Sin is Death, but God loved the world that he gave his own son to die on the cross for sinners like us.
For us to reconcile with God, we must come to Jesus.
We believe not by emotions, but by faith, we believe.

To God be all the Glory.

*** ***
I will not hesitate to say that my grammar has gone down the toilet hole.

Maybe i should fabricate an imaginary friend.

*** ***

I don't know if i should be thankful or mutter.

Ever since that day my family had that Penang Hawker Fair thing at York Hotel, i've been dreaming of yummiliciously tasty prawn mee and palatable oyster omelette.

Have always liked prawn mee but never was too much of a fan of the oyster omelette.
But that dinner changed the latter.

Everything blended together making it taste just... Exquisite.
Note: I'm no food critic. I just like what i like.

I have re-acknowledged the presence of one store at clementi.
I will go and treat myself one of these days...

I've not been to any other place with prawn mee as good as that.
If anything, i've not had prawn mee anywhere.
WOULD ANYONE KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND (GOOD) PRAWN MEE?
PRAY, PLEASE tell me...

*** ***

It is never safe to go for outdoor archery anymore these days.
I would say that the weather is unpredictable. But, that is... wrongish because most of the time, it rains.

I think the right word is "fickle". Yes, FICKLE.

I can't tell what season it is anymore. It just does what it likes. It's either my mind has deteriorated into a 12 year old's and i can't seem to distinguish anything, or the environment has really been screwed to the point of no regularity.

*** ***

Speaking about my mind. Have noticed that it has gone fuzzy and blurry.
It is as if the unconscious has been working... well, unconsciously behind my... (back?) mind such that when i encounter a problem, my mind REFUSES to think and analyse.
It just REFUSES... like a stubborn donkey.

When i try to think, only fragments of coherent thought would pierce through the fuzz and mist in my mind.
Then soon after, rubbishy memories will start entering my head and then i'll begin to daydream.

It is as if my mind is going right about bonkers. IS MY BRAIN ROTTING???

Only short flows of proper thought will come and then it'll be interrupted shortly.

My spelling ability has also gone down. My ability to analyse has gone down. My attention span is... 35% efficient.
At this point, i am VERY VERY VERY tempted to say something mean.

Anyway, a friend recently told me: "It seems you need to get angry. It's only then that you'll see things through entirely.
So, is my mission to piss you off?"
*sniggers*

*** ***

This is my blog and i am entitled to say what i want.

How it is perceived will be the reader's choice.
Mean, sarcastic, pointless, illogical, one-sided, whatever...

I'm just not being true to myself. Why should i bother whether or not i will get stoned over the net on my own blog.

Joline has a mean streak in her but because of one incident in her life, it made her change a little.
It was once "mean" and "true"/ "partly true" / "not true".

Now, meanness is restricted to, "mean but TRUE".
Think Simon Cowell.
The "mean but TRUE" comments are the only mean things i dare to say to people.

Some people just don't get it and mistake my complete honesty as being mean.
Think Simon Cowell again.

I'm contemplating spewing all things mean. Whatever the permutation.
Why should i mince my words?
Because this is a public diary?
(rhetorical question)

I want to swear freely but i know that i shouldn't.
Not just because it is ugly to see on screen, but it also reflects an ugly side i'd rather not let loose.
As a learning Christian, there're things you just have to abstain from.

Swearing can successfully give angst.

Of course one can wrestle with words in an intelligent manner to give the same angst.
Perhaps swearing is just a shortcut.

*** ***
Ah, evil twin sister is up and about again.
She decided to come out for a bit to stretch.
*** ***

Maybe it's because both she and i are cheesed that we might not be going to the range this weekend.

The compound bow wasn't suitable.

Draw length was too short.

Actually, most of the "unsuitability" can be adjusted.

The poundage was 39 pounds me thinks. I couldn't pull it past 3 inches maybe?
I was like: Freeeeaaakkk!!! *pant, pant*

Gah.

I've not been told anything. Not even to call Simon.

Bah.

Alwyn:
YERSH!!! Technology is a biggy. Look at swimming.
Spending 1-2k is a lot...
Because i'm looking at it from the view of someone who doesn't have that much disposable money.
But we agree though that when you want something, you'd pay.
Not to say there's no sweat, but to us, it is well worth it.
So, what did you buy?

I'm up to my throat with school work.

So much to do.

*runs around screaming and tossing papers in the air*

Pleased. *grin*

Well, well, well...

Did i say that while i was out at school on thursday, my parents were having a discussion on Jo and archery.

While talking to my dad a while ago, Simon called to tell me to come down to the range tomorrow afternoon.
Jo thinks: My Pleasure!
(you see, my official basic lessons are over. I'll be glad for any chance to go down.)

So now, i've to sign on as a member because it is against the law to own (in future) equipment without having the proper license.

WHOOPEE.

He asked a previous SEA Games archer if she would like to sell her bow to me. I'm supposedly going to have to check it out tomorrow.

My dad seems ok now with the idea of me buying a bow.
I offered to pay for part of it.
We have agreed on it being 50-50.

I have been saving up for a long time... To spend it in a flash is going to hurt.
But hey.
I'm willing to spend it because i am SO sure i want it.

Usually when Jo's sure, Jo IS SURE.
Gut, Heart, Soul feeling, SURE.

Which is why, i am hardly sure about a lot of things.
Go Figure.

*******

The worst part though, is that my MOM wants to come with me to the range tomorrow.

I am not sure if it is going to be WORSE than having Simon breathing down my neck.

One thing is for sure.
I'm going to get a lot of pressure to perform because this is going to be the first time my mom sees me shoot.
Most probably so, my performance will be reported to my dad.

GAh...
I'm only 50% ok with 20-25m. (with the recurve bow)
Hopefully the lady, i think her name is Rachel, will be there so i can try her compound bow.

Wookay.
Better start psyching myself up already. This will be good practice then.

Alwyn:
I will be mindful about that. I know i can trust you on it, you're a great mentor!
Thank you loads. :-)
Affirmative. The Best is Yet to Be!

There.

Alwyn:
Your advice and encouragement never fails to perk me up and think on a different level... and it usually comes at a good time too! (your other personal entries as well!)
Just want to thank you lots. I always appreciate the comments you leave here.
I am close to putting myself in a strait-jacket for blogging again. But this, i could not help.
By no means have i read this before till a few minutes ago.
Inspiration.

Just Go For It

Archery provided the surprise of the 2003 SEA Games when Albert Loh clinched a silver medal. While congratulations poured in, many people did not realise that this young man's success has been possible only because of his refusal to give up despite the odds against him. The former Institute of Technical Education student chased his dream and overcame financial constraints and the lack of public interest in his sport. "At the end of the day, you need to believe what you are doing and just go for it," he says.

(from the Team Singapore Website, http://www.teamsingapore.com.sg/main/detail.jsp?a_id=4729&type=1&cat=2)

It feels kind of nice that this young man and i seem to share the exact same thoughts, even in words.


Huimin:
Sorry girl, this was too much of a lure.
In the spirit of gratitude, just want to thank you loads for your comments! Nice to see you drop by now and then.
Hope your erm... two essays didn't suck the life out of you.

Muddled

Pretty much explains my state of mind.

Been waking up to pretty looking mornings having no drive whatsoever to accomplish my work which has been nagging at me for a while.
I wouldn't say it's piling up as yet. But i do know that if i continue like this, it WILL.

Hitting a plateau maybe?

Hopefully this entry will be short.

I've recently begun doing my quiet time in the mornings instead of at night before i sleep.
Why didn't i do this long before.
I am usually too tired out at night that i fall asleep while praying.

What better way to start the day. Start it off with a talk with my one Creator and Heavenly Father. He's the utmost head of everything in my life.
It only makes sense.

As Christians, we have these few sides or rather, that influence that taunts us continuously.
Sometimes we might seem to feel that picking up the Bible is such a chore.
But i know that my soul enjoys basking with, and in the Lord, no matter what S.A. Tan tries to do to tell me otherwise.

Sing His Praises and Thank the Lord.
Keep mind focused on God.
The devil hates it.

*******

Well.

I've called Simon.

THANK GOD.
God has been so gracious. Yesterday morning, i just prayed that whatever will be spoken about would be favourable... But of course, keeping God's plan/will in mind as well.

And YES.

Was asked: So how should it go from here? Are you interested to further this?

I was SOO afraid he was merely going to tell me the procedures of gaining membership.
But no, he was posing the offer to me about the training team.

Conclusion this far:

I am still unsure, afraid, freaked, worried, about how this's all going to turn out.
The new team people i've to meet, the politics (possibly), the training...
Most of all, MY PARENTS.

The next step is getting me a compound bow.
A brand new one is 2 GRAND. Yes, $2K.

But Simon will be looking out for a second hand one.
The tricky part here is that compound bows are CUSTOMIZED to the archer.
You can't use mine, i can't use yours.

I've spoken to my mom. She's very concerned about my studies.
My dad?
Sceptical as usual.
Made a remark that pierced me.
In times like that, i am determined to prove it to him.
Just like i did not long ago.

I remember how sceptical he was when i said i wanted to do something for the Republic. That was just after our fun shooting stint at SAFRA.

I guess i felt i wasn't going to be tied down and away from my aspirations. And so i just went ahead and paid for my own lessons.
Here i am.

Not trying to boast or sound like an arrogant big shot.

The point i'm making here is:
When you believe in and want something, go for it. When you feel something seems right, don't be afraid. Don't allow yourself to be shot and brought down therefore, discouraged.

**********

I had an experience like this in secondary school.

Our military band was having our annual band camp and during some interaction time, i must've said something to one of my juniors about A Math that one band teacher in charge didn't quite agree with.

That night, she singled me out for a scolding. Using reasons like the above and other stuff.
I knew (at that time) that i did nothing wrong and well... i let my bullheadedness stick with me throughout.

The thing that has stuck with me till this day was this remark she said repeatedly in my face:

"Next year (referring to when i'll be in sec 4 with the stress and all), I WON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU HANG YOURSELF."

How's that for a teacher?
She must've been hysterical with anger.

In the end, i did well for my 'O's.
Too bad she quit from our school before the 'O' Level results came out for my batch.

She would have had to eat her own words. And that ugly handbag.

***********

Yup, so don't be discouraged.

Maybe sometimes, people DO have a point when they say something negative because they can see that perhaps after all, you may not have the potential to go far.
Which is why sometimes, you've got to use your gut feeling.

Am not saying this is definitive as things can change like the wind.

Nevertheless.
You DO get my drift.

So much for a short entry.

edited.

My state of isolation from other people is giving me the feeling of aimlessness.
I hope this is hormonal.
In addition, i know i have work to do. But i'm blatantly wasting my time away thinking of doing things other than work.
What the dong is wrong with me.

Remember the friend who pissed me off last week?
Well, he actually made the effort to mend things after one week of not speaking.
That is totally respectable.
I should learn that kind of humility.

Have not called Simon yet. I feel a cold shiver of fear run through me everytime i think of calling him.
(just felt it)
(and again)
(even in my fingers and toes)

I have school work and i just remembered that i have driving to take care of. Archery is still a blur.
Shucks.
Too many things on my hands now.
I know where my priorities lie but i am weak.
God, please help.

Think i shall go and occupy myself with some housekeeping. Writing up my schedule especially.

I have met a very interesting person.
Makes my mind go bogus and feelings go a bit haywire.
Not in the good sense.
A contradiction?
Yes.

I am amused to find that my good friend has changed her status quo in Friendster.
*gasp! where no man has ever gone before!*

I am in love with the compound bow.
There is a feeling of power, control and beauty.

I love the whole set-up.
Clad in an arm guard, wrist sling, release aid.
While the bow is decked with the bowsight and stabilizer. (haven't gotten down to trying with the scope yet)
Love it.

Standing all alone at the shooting line, sizing up the target, with the bow held low.
Shoulders back and level, body erect, head up. Eyes focused.
When the feeling is right, lift the bow above head level in the predraw aim position and then bring it down to anchor.

With the bow drawn, find the target centre with the bowsight and align them both. Wait and feel for the right moment in time then gently pull the lever.
Watch the arrow fly straight and thunk into the yellow region.
Pretty.
Grin inwardly to self.

Like Daniel at DMArchery who came by.
"When you've gotten the accuracy, it's time to play the mental game. It becomes very "zenny". Imagine(visualize) your arrow hitting th bull's eye. It's very zen after that."

Funny the other day while at Kino, i picked up a book on the Zen of archery (something to that effect), at the same section. It wasn't there before.
I flipped through a bit.
Wa, so airy.

I didn't get to go to Borders that day.
No money to splurge on books.

David is a God on the bow!
He said he was approached to make the national team but it was and IS a grand high pity he can't afford the time.
WASTED.
He's a funny, as in humourous, fella.

There was something i noticed.
Usually, i would have a problem when i'm the only girl around a bunch of guys.
I usually have trouble carrying myself.
This is due to my upbringing.
I am unashamed of stating that fact.

Apparently, the archery range was testosterone laden but i hardly felt i was different.
Of course the occasional family came by with girls but after they left, I was the only person there with no friend(s) for company. And even when someone else came alone, it was a guy.

Archery really is an individual sport.

Come to think of it.
To give you an insight into poetry.
If that line "Archery really..." was found in a poem and written just like that. i.e, one line on its own, it is likely to be interpreted as this:

The poet chose to place this line separate from the main body to emphasize the point of individuality.
This illustrates the point that archery is as individual and singular as the line that was placed apart and alone.




Crappy right.

Odd

Am aching.
Physically.

Pissed with myself on saturday, so i went to SAFRA on sunday (yesterday) to practice.
I just felt that i needed to do some brushing up of my form and also to prove something to myself.

For a nice 5 hours.
Hardly felt the time go by.
Could've gone right on but... money constraints.
Was there from... let's see... 4pm to 9pm.

EVERYONE. DMArchery may be small but the rates are good. $8 an hour. The people there are are awful nice too. So, anyone interested in archery, go to SAFRA, 5th floor.

Can't say i actually got much practice on my form. Reason: Too engrossed with results.
That is a problem with me. Too proud.

Ok, shall list my problem areas and consciously work on it the next time.

1. high bow shoulder
2. inconsistent anchor point at chin
3. not using back muscles
4. plucking of bowstring at release

Note: Those are my problems with the recurve bow.

People i met:

Funny. Although i'd like to use first name initials, i can't because everyone i met had his name beginning with 'D'.
The owner of the place is Daniel, his helper whom i suspect is his son, is David.
And another archer i got to know is Danny.

Wot's with the 'D's. Gah. Reminds me of Mr Ex. But bleah. No interference here.

Danny is one very interesting individual. But to respect privacy, shan't talk about him.
He let me try his $2k recurve bow! ( trusting a complete stranger like me to handle his gear???)
It's SO heavy.
But i am SO THANKFUL he pulled some strings and asked David to let me try the Compound Bow.
(to those of you who are new and lost, no, these aren't bow ties. Think Robin Hood.)

David is a God on the bow.
Enough said.

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Yup, so practically spent the next 2 or 3 hours with the compound bow.
I LOVE it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It helps to undo my high bow shoulder and fixes a consistent anchor point.
And it's FASTER, making the arrows fly straighter.
Plus... you don't have to worry too much about releasing problems.

The only negative point SO FAR, is that it is a wee bit more sensitive.

I'm hoping Simon wll speak to me about the compound bow... I LOVE IT.

Was hitting mostly yellows, a few strays and a handful of bull's eyes.
Technicalities replace certain skills.
Truth.

DAnping:
Yo woman!!! Took you some time to get here hah?
How're YOU?
hahha, yes, Jed IS CUTE. But he's the naughtiest thing.
He hasn't been stealing underwear or socks anymore because we've learnt how to isolate those items.
However, he's made up for it by destroying shoes (a lot of my mom's) and STEALING VIRTUALLY EVERYTHING.
He's fatter and just slightly bigger now. It's a good thing he's cute or else we would've murdered him much earlier.


Right. I am spending my time unwisely.
Back to academics.

Why Am I ...

Feeling like crud.

Just came back from shooting.

TOday, spent 95% of time at 20m-25m. (it wasn't 18m after all)

My shots have improved since last week.

But why do i feel so crappy?

I shoot just fine alone or with the other archers.
But the minute i hear Simon's voice, or if he's coaching me, or see him approaching, my shot would go wide.

It frustrates me. It's like telling him that there's no improvement when it's that he's freaking me out.

He wanted to shift me to 30m but he didn't in the end.
I can't say exactly why because i ain't him. Though to me it's obvious he wasn't satisfied with my performance.

Apart from that, i had also let other factors get me down.
Which's SO STUPID of me.
Why am i being SOOOO STOOPID?

Feel totally degraded today.
The only consolation is that i was told to call Simon next week. Not sure what he wants to talk to me about.
Only time will tell.

Sigh.

Need to practice SOMEhow. But i only get one chance per week. How is that enough?

I'll pick myself up.
Just need a little time to psych myself with self talk.

I know that at some point in time, everyone will go through some kind of setback.

But it scares me that before i can even go further, i am screwing my chances.

Hey Alwyn:
WHAO. THanks for the info there...
WIll slowly go through them.
Grade HALF? *chuckle* heeheehee. Don't know how to help in finding you a good, patient teacher. I've no recommendations.


Later.

*sinks into a stupor*