move it.

Say, i don't know about you dudette. But i feel like that was a huge slap in the face, and esteem and ego.

Yeah you know, i agree. Yeah, you should never put up photos like that. I am not one to feel, but i think i can half guess how it must be like.

Yeah, thanks.

But it's normal anyway. Remember what you learnt. The fastest way to get rid of those feelings that get you down? Is to jolly well get over the superficial part first.
Once you do? You'll be free.
There. Wala.

Right. Uhm, thanks.

It must suck to have feelings. Though i will never know what it is like to feel, to feel... to... feel...
What's that thing you always talk about? Yeah, this abstract notion, of "love".

BAH. In the human sense, it is something that makes you die multiple times when you invest too much each time.
Enjoy your life as it is. You don't want to know how it's like.

Maybe and maybe not.
I should switch places with you. You of emotion.
Studying to be a psychologist. Ptah! You can take it? If i take your place, you needn't ever suffer and you can work more efficiently.

Emotions may make one suffer. But it's about being human. You wouldn't know how to identify with anything if you can't feel a thing.
But for once i'll concede and say that i wish i could be you for now.

*** ***

Weird.

Instead of getting stronger, i fall harder each time it comes around. Something must be wrong with the way i deal with pain.

It's a battle... Raging in me. I can tell you.
There's a real heck of a racket going on.

Believe me when i say that what was mentioned above are not the warring parties.

*** ***

GOD. I NEED YOU. HELP ME WITH THIS BATTLE.

I'm glad that i'll be in good company soon.

She is on her knees in an empty room.
An empty room with 4 white walls and ceiling. With no door, no windows.

Her heart is stone cold as she transforms into that ruthless hate filled being.

But her heart bleeds as she pines for answers and for that one thing in life everyone questions.

Her hair is ragged and long, white clothes torn and smeared. Her face, overcome and screwed with grief and rage, as the old ghosts come back to haunt.

She raises her arms, and with her mouth agape, she unleashes all her fury.

Crying and screaming is not enough.

She flings herself against the walls till they are splattered crimson with her blood.
She abused herself till she could move no more.

see my world

Miniscule Team ACS, that is, Archery Club of Singapore. (Not full strength though)



i love photos like these, i.e Rows and rows of bows. I like watching recurves in action, but incline towards salivating at compounds at rest and action.



Our other compounder (heh) in long sleeves and blue bow. and BY THE WAY... DO YOU SEE THAT HOYT BOW? *screams* the one on the far left being raised up as well. Beautiful.



Newbie J. at C Class recurve, or was it Standard Class? *pai seh*



ok, and the general pre-shoot horseplay.



Ah, compound galore.



Can you see Yours Truly? I'm aiming at the *mumble* 70m target. The joker in white long sleeves without a cap.


I was going to post another when i realized this was getting a little narcissistic. *muah hahaha*

So, enough for now. If you want more, well... At your own risk.
hee hee.

*** ***

WR:
no problem. :-) Seems you left a little earlier than most other people would. About your course you did... *chuckle* That is so like you. Hm, never seen a portfolio of your works before. Only snippets of your talent. ;-) Blow the NTU admissions people away!
Yeah, this Good Friday-Easter weekend was fabulous. Thanks. :-D
Oh, btw, if you want to reply and if the post and its comment box is quite way back(which i might miss), you could reply in the latest post's comment box. Thanks muchly!

*** ***

"Yes" and "No" are plain and simple monosyllabic answers to questions that demand either one.
But, can a Yes be stronger than a No? Or, can a No be stronger than a Yes?
Meaning, can one answer bear more weight than the other?

When two people come head to head in a situation, which answer has to be respected more?

This varies with context, no doubt. But given that all factors are the same, which holds more authority?

*** ***

I bet that everytime my sister walks by my room only to hear MANDARIN STATION--> LOVE 97.3fm (or was it 97.2fm?) blasting from my hi-fi's speakers, she'd think that she's been teleported to another home.

Hey, i don't understand what they are singing. But the tunes kinda soothe my hurting heart.

*** ***

Am training for the upcoming NUS Indoor Shoot. But once a week shooting training is not enough lor...

My latest highest score is 491 out of 600. My usual is a 470+.

I want to get 500+. That's national team standard.
I'm getting close.

MORE TRAINING, MORE!

Till Then.
*essay time*

:-(

There is a friend who makes my heart ache.

No, nothing BGR related. (!)

She was a good friend of mine but time has seen her become a changed person.
And to someone i am not sure i know much anymore.

Not that she has done anything terrible to me.

It is because there is so much anger and pain.

I want to cry for her.

*** ***

I don't know why. But i am feeling a little depressed. For no reason at all.
Totally no reason at all.

*** ***

Obviously, i cannot have an objective view of myself.
So, i more or less can't really assess this.

Thing is, a friend of mine says that she sees a certain quality in me. (a rather interesting thing that i never expected myself to have)
While i think that most other people would NOT say the same thing about me.

It's sad that one has to be a different person when with different people.
(the worst part being that i cannot control this)

Some people have known me for a while, some haven't.
But those who may not have known me for long may have already seen my ugly side. While, the ones i've stuck with longer may not have seen my ugly side.

Maybe it's because we get along so well that there is no reason to show ugly sides.

Another thing. I acknowledge that i am so full of pride.
Constantly trying to squelch this monster of mine.

I feel SO ugly inside.

After reading my psych textbook...

We always think of cows as milk-giving organisms.
(and beef)
(and maybe your mother-in-law...)
whoops.

Back to the subject:
At some point, some human females will give milk.

(no, i am not doing a premise by premise and conclusion valid argument)

(and anyway, if you DO dare tell me that we women look like cows when we are pregnant, i will slap you.)

(though i actually secretly agree with you... But you're NOT suppose to be truthful to us!)

Anyway........

Strange, is the notion that at that "some point", those human females will be producing something edible.

Well, at least to baby, it is edible.

Imagine if humans could biologically and naturally produce their own edibles.

(oh, the book's on child development, if you must know)

All done.

It was precisely during this this time last year when a cell mate devoted his life to Christ.

It was when YOU, oh LORD, made your LOVE known to Mankind.
And for that, all those who turn to you are saved from the wages of sin, that is death.

I thank you, my dear Father, that i know you.

You gave up your life for your friends. You gave up ALL that you had.
So unselfishly and without complaint.
The spotless lamb indeed.

Thank you Lord, for not just the works of your hands that Man so often only seeks, but thank you for WHO YOU ARE.

*** ***

Before i start yabbering away...:
THANKS G! I LOVED THE SPONTANEITY OF THE MOMENT!
LOVED SPENDING THE TIME WITH YOUUUUUUU AND P.

*group hug, group hug*

*** ***

With a mere 3 hours of sleep on friday morning, i did a whole lotta stuff and i had tremendous fun and fellowship...
and shopping. *mad ear to ear grin*

Anyhoo, imagine my home being tranformed into "Jo's Tavern" ( courtesy of K)
Ok la, rose syrup and no alcohol.

We had a makeshift band. How cute is that right?

After service on friday morning, most of my cell trooped over to my place to hang out and nua. We almost begun screening Shrek 2 but then, a couple of girls started to monopolise the Kawai piano.

With much shock and totally unmasked glee, K found out (and i foolishly only just remembered)
that we had a bass guitar in the house too.

So, that made 2, (well 3 actually) in the "band".

Soon after, a request for a guitar came about. I was struck by the whole idea and ran off to grab the guitar though i explained first that one or more of the strings was proabably loose and dead.
(yeah, my dad WAS a cool guy, *snigger*. Joking, joking.)

I discovered that my dad had a few packets of guitar strings yet untouched and unstrung. *kewl!*

And while i proposed that i borrow his guitar with the dead and loose string, he proceeded to rummage through his drawer in such childlike excitement (at least it looked that way lah) that i was giggling inwardly.

So, under the skilled hands of K, the guitar was strung with a new string (albeit the wrong type though), and so now, we had 4 people in the band! A pianist (and co-pianist), bass guitarist and classical guitarist.
All impromptu wan leh... Vehlee cute right...

TADAH! Mini worship team in session!

My mom was in the midst of all the action and she looked like she was having fun.
My hands were itching for the black and white keys, but it's all right.

The house literally and figuratively felt empty when they all left. :-(
All good things must come to an end.

Well, least i'll be seeing them all later on!

*sighs wistfully and happily*
My life has changed qualitatively.

Never would i have friends like these or moments of pure fellowship with church friends had i not been pushed both internally and externally to join a cell.

Man, i am glad i did.

There are a great many other people out there. And you never know how your life can be changed by them. In good and/or bad ways.

*** ***

Dum dee dee dum.
I did most of my necessary shopping yesterday.

AND... I spent a bomb. No, i am not North Korean.

Oops, where was i?

The fletching jig is now off my wishlist. (well, so is bubble tea and kinder bueno... i guess the inane incessant calling for both has died down considerably)

YES! I can FINALLY fletch my own arrows in the comfort of my own home and in my own time.
6 triple face target paper sheets? CHECK
One pack of new orange fletches? CHECK.

WHOOPEE.

I love my Easton A/C/C arrows. Pretty good arrows, reasonable price.

Anyway, apart from my archery equipment, i am pleased with the rest of what i got.
Now, to hope for the best.

RIGHTY-OH! I didn't wake up early just to blog.

Till then.
*to continue to seek you in all circumstances, my Lord.*

i'm running outta titles man.

If anyone should want to learn how to play the guitar, keyboard or be a vocalist (in a church worship setting) and you want to learn the skills from scratch, i recommend very strongly BelieverMusic.

I've gone for the keyboard beginner course and i am learning new skills and chords i've never learnt before in my classical piano background.

My instructor never makes anyone feel uncomfortable, left behind or stupid. Learning together with other Christians with the same goal in mind, in a Christian setting makes the experience there a really pleasant and quite "loving" one, in a sense.

I've already enrolled for the second course!

*** ***

(skip this because it's jo's own boring mumbling about hair. I've warned you already.)


Chopped off my long locks in favour of a short, dyed crop in 2003.

Now that I've more or less grown my hair out and sheared off the coloured bits, i am wondering if i should dye it again.
This time: it's going to be dyed, long hair.

I'm in two minds about this because it took me forever to get rid of the last remnants of brown, gold and ash-brown.
That's 1 year and 5 months, to you. Enough time for my sis to dye her head TWICE.

The typical girl around all look like they've been cut from the same piece of cloth.

Either:
1. coloured and rebonded hair.
2. coloured and curled.

WAH... like sardernlee ah, so many Singaporean women all sprout curly curly hair. Soooo exotic ah.
I also wan leh.

Whatever happened to the natural look?
Nowadays, natural coloured hair is a rarity.

To me, it's come to a point when almost every other Chinese woman can look normal with coloured hair.
And gone are the lines/stigma of, "wah, dye hair ah? So pai kia/ah lian/ah beng man!"

Well, i think coloured hair can make someone stand out and look good. In some cases, it just looks like any other coloured mop flopping around. Nothing fabulous.

Think i will keep my hair chemical free just a little longer... before i become like one of the masses.

:-)

(replies will always be in the same box where you left yours, unless the post is off the screen)

Too often i blog by catching thoughts from the air. Resulting in non-directional entries.

*** ***

The 2 reasons why i refuse to change my blog template is:

1.
i don't know how to change it. *yes! laugh! be merry!* i am a self professed technoidiot.

and the last time i tried, i had a bad feeling that i would lose everything so i ceased immediately and sat down hard on my itchy fingers.
i will not toss away my online diary! in some ways, this blog holds a lot more than my conventional one.

2.
i like the way everything is spread out across the screen and not concentrated in the middle. I like the clean space and it's minimal. Me like.
Though... i would like the minimalistic aspect to be expressed in a nicer way. *cough, cough*
But the only html skills i possess have to do with adding links. That's about it.

*** ***

I went for a tertiary church camp in Feb and anyone who's been to school camps would probably know the "angel and mortal" game.
I had the priviledge of having an Angel, because we had more names on paper than we had people during the camp so...

I never did find out who my Angel was. Drat.
But he/she gave me a few sweets and they are awfully... SWEET!

okok, i know, lame but let me explain. The thought alone was sweet but the sweet wrappers had a bible verse on each of them and i cannot bear to throw them away. Melikey.

Let me well, "immortalize" the verses here. They are kind of nice.

"Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee."
Psalm 119:11

"The chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed."
Isaiah 53:5b

"And he said to the woman, Thy faith hath healed thee; go in peace."
Luke 7:50

"For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."
Romans 6:23

:-)

*** ***

Back to mugging for me, or i'll be courting my own insanity.

(hey it rhymes)

*growl*

She went to him, because he was sobbing.
And then she fell in love with him.
Revelation? Or the realization of her stupidity?
They then went their separate ways.
She found someone else and loved him.
And He thinks: too bad.

Why, he asks. Why is he always subject to this kind of nonsense. Twice, in a row.

*** ***

I am pissed. Don't you tell me to * * *.
You high and mighty * * *.

That was * insensitive of you.

Went to the gym and worked my posterior off just now. Man, it's been a while.

I think my blog is wayyyy too tame.
I don't do, say, express, reveal, a lot of other things other bloggers do on their blogs.

BAH.

Sometimes, i want to yell out so-and-so's name.
I want to tell every single detail.
Sometimes, i want to rant and rave, with sarcasm dripping from every word you see on your very screen.

But people read this and i am not the sort who tolerates all the hate stuff. So...

Because i'mTOO NICE and i want to SAVE YOUR FACE, i do not.

*GRRrrrrrrrrrr*

But i think i won't stinge on the sarcasm the next time though.

We'll see.

Reminders

Need to get:

- fletching jig
- see if i can get that transparent-coloured fletches
- lappie foamie cover
- lappie screen protector. (protection from dust and my itchy fingers)
- Veet
- triple face target paper
- new Mathews compound bow. (HAH! Like real... In my beautiful dreams only.)

Fletches= what the layman would call the "feathers" on one end of an arrow.

Personally, i'd love... a Hoyt compound bow. (though i'd change the colour of the one you'll see if you click on the link)
Awfully pretty, very striking, spiffy and attitudinal to the MAX.

But also EXPENSIVE.
In Singapore, you get a bare Hoyt compound (without the other accessories like even a peep sight) for about $1400+

Guess the next best option would be the Mathews. Though the new ones (2005) look kinda ugly.

That's outward appearance-wise.

I have tried a Mathews a couple of times but not enough to really get the feel of it.

As for A Hoyt, have only carried a Hoyt but never shot one before. The cast that one can get seems real good on a Hoyt though.

Wait till i earn my keep... then we'll talk.

untouched

There're some things in life that i'll never understand unless/until i experience it first hand.

It's sad when i want to help but cannot find the right words to say to someone who needs to hear.

Respect.

Respect, to those who "make it", despite the odds.

*** ***

Doing my own trimming/shaping of eyebrows can be a life changing experience.

Well, at least, temporarily.

Someone pass me a brown paper bag with holes, please.

Bimbotic, i know.

my night.

To "Guess Who?", if you happen to see this. Left you a reply in the comment box in the previous post where your message is.

*** ***

Clark Quay has changed so much since the last time i went there... when i was a primary school going nerd face.

It now has a WHOLE ROW OF EATERIES AND BARS (or wotever you call them. i am not Miss Suaku for nothing). And mind you, i wouldn't mind spending some time in them. They look absolutely gorgeous.

There was this place called the Asylum, (i suspect for people like me) and i was mesmerised by the decor. One little corner had a bar, with rows and rows of liquer. And another corner, a few high chairs around an equally high table.
And facing the exterior, and open to all the world to see, with only cushion chairs to distinct between outside and inside the place, was a little "living room" like looking place.

It was darkened, but dimly lit with these exotic looking tall curly candles. There was a plasma tv against a feature wall (think brick wall).
There was a couch that looked really inviting and other assorted woody but cushy looking short chairs
The walls were textured... and allowed the orange light to bounce off, giving the room such a cosy, warm, and that, all-chill-out character.

Mmmmmm, gorgeous.

My sister and i were just staring in and dreaming up the ways in which we'll replicate it and add other stuff the next time when we have our own homes.

We also got to see people pay $30 to potentially spray their last meals on sadistic spectators below.

Yes, i am talking about the REVERSE BUNGY JUMPING thingy.

I want to go for it one of these days. BRING IT ON.

*** ***

A cockroach took the liberty to crawl over my beautiful sacred toes last night. I spared its life because it was too much of a hassle to kill it.

Today, i got home and turned on my lights so i could turn on my pretty lappie. And horror of horrors, i saw that repulsive brown creature clinging into my SPEAKER. It's the BIG KIND of ROACH.

I decided that i had enough of this vermin lurking around my room. As much as a roach is God's creation, it will not make a living in MY ROOM and create its own other roaches. NO WAY.

And so i declared war on it and now it is sitting probably quite dead in a, trust me on this though i cannot reveal details, VERY UNDIGNIFIED PLACE.

My room is a mess, but it will not tolerate vermins. But that excludes Jed.

awaken me.(updated)

I found out about the existence of this alarm clock from a friend.

"Classic, modern style. Smooth, refined form. Oh, and possibly the most obnoxious feature set possible in an alarm clock ..."

So, good luck if you cannot find the last piece.

This one is just sweet... with a nifty projector!

AND THIS OTHER ONE... (even funnier) that i just discovered.

hahahahaha.

I need one of those.

*** ***

You know what's sad?

When i come back from church, feeling refreshed and needing a change of heart, i come home and get pissed off by my parents.
Even when i don't want to lose my temper, i do.

Hoping for the normal conversation after getting home, instead i get the usual "where have you been" (but when said with THAT TONE, it comes out sounding like: where did you go? did you spend your time elsewhere? ) questions that totally irritate me because EVERY WEEK IS THE SAME.
I AM IN CHURCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ISN'T IT THE WHOLESOME PLACE YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED ME TO BE IN?!


AND THEN... X was so insensitive. From the way i see it, X's work stuff is taking a toll on X's patience and self control.

There's no need to frown and go all complainy about the dog. GEE!
And no need to say something totally insensitive.

SHEESH. >:o< (very unhappy face)


:-<<<<<<<<

Haiya, somemore, i am feeling cranky.

I feel so lousy now.

off the top

I don't know why i keep doing this to myself.

I DELIBERATELY hurt myself to see if i can "take" it.

*sigh*

*** ***

I'd like me a confident man.
Who pushes the right buttons.
Who's intelligent in his responses and not pointless in his comments.

Unfortunately, i am neither of that myself. Hieh hieh.

Which's why i have all reason to ask for it...

We're suppose to complement one another, no? ;-P

Ah, wistful thinking/wishing.

*** ***

I stepped out into the bright sunlight, face uplifted, with a slight smile touching my lips.
The hue of her flames was made more romantic as she succumbed to her brother, moon. Dry and crisp grass bent beneath the soles of my slippers.
Red golden rays filtered through the gently swaying leaves of the trees, setting the ground ablaze. The breeze, sweet and gentle, swept my hair behind my shoulders.

I felt like i was blithely walking through some part of romantic Europe.

All this because i had Lush 99.5 wafting through my ear drums. Music sets the mood, indeed.

Every time i have Lush playing something really funky, you'd see me acting strange.



Oh, you know i read this article about visiting Japanese going to Europe and getting sorely disappointed, to the point of falling sick and depressed...
Because they found that Europe was not like they expected.


I didn't know if i should've felt sorry or sneer...

That's if i remember that correctly.

Till Then.
*tell me to go sleep the next time you see me online at 1am*

yay.

Hi!

*waves*
Thanks people for your replies. I love reading comments and i thank you all for taking the time to drop by and leave a message or two.

*** ***

In the midst of customizing my new lappie. Yay! I've stuck to the same desktop background. That of ACJC taken from the opposite side, near the Sports Complex.

From the days of little sleep, assignment writing and general insanity, my room looks like a whirlwind has swept through it. Papers lying strewn all over the place, and behind fixtures, erm, assorted items making themselves known and unknown as they become arbitrary objects... objects of obstruction in my way.

Time to clear up the mess.

The next step is, catching up with my readings. #$%%#^%^. I am about 2 weeks late. This has never happened to me before.

You know, as i snuggled into bed last night, it felt odd.

The feeling of soft fabric, the firm support of a mattress, the comfort... felt out of place in my memory.

Because the bed has not been occupied in a while. HA!
I felt like sleeping in bed, was something novel.

Dum dee dum.

Time to sleep normally.

As the stress level dips, so does the activity of my mind in its rambling.

Not sure if that's a good sign.

I think i shall try out the wireless internet surfing in school. Wonder if the lappie can access it and i wonder if we kind of need a specific kind of program or configuration in order to use it.

The dust specks on my lappie is annoying me.

Oh yeah. Time to get the Oceans Twelve Soundtrack. *i think*

strange sleep.

Ever had this before?

There was a time in my life during JC when i had been going through strange, i'm not sure if supernatural, experiences when i am asleep.

What would happen is, while asleep, my whole body would suddenly go rigid and I wouldn't be able to move. Not an arm or leg.
And it felt like all my nerves were tingling away, from my toes to my head.
It didnt hurt, but it felt like every fibre was being pulled and tightened into attention.
And my mind would suddenly zap into half consciousness.

It's only when i start saying, "Lord help me" repeatly, over and over again, my body would be released and back to normal.

There was even once when i was dreaming of someone laughing, the laughter from something familiar and human, suddenly trailed off into devilish sounding laughter. Pure evil.

And after that, i went rigid and stiff, couldn't move.

I had to say the same thing over and over, "God, help me, Lord please save me..."
And half consciously as well, i was praying, repeating, "Lord, please take away this evil spirit, in Jesus name."

And then i was freed.

I am assuming that i dreamt of it being devilish only because i seemed to think that this whole experience was supernatural, that's why the mind picks it up and manifests it.
Only by virtue that it is only a concern and so dreams it up.

Nevertheless, during that time of my life, i feared sleeping in my room but i simply tried my best to ignore it and sleep anyway.

So each time before i slept, i prayed that God would keep away anything of evil nature.

After a while, i no longer had those weird experiences.

It wasn't too bad a time, but it was disturbing. Because everytime something near me moves on its own or if i heard anything, the first thing my mind would yell is, "Ghost."

And it is not healthy when you are constantly thinking that something is lurking near you.

A friend told me that it could be due to magnetic fields or some sort that caused the strange occurrences.

I hope so. I don't know.

But crying out to the Lord sure works.

another late night

The only thing that is making this late night bearable is the music playing the background...

"You give and take away (x2)
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be your name."
.
.
.

*** ***

We were given this instant noodles in our goodie bag from sunday's shoot.

For the uninitiated, the noodles go by the name of "chou tau foo", meaning "smelly beancurd".
(this refers to the flavour of the noodle's seasoning)

I guess it would put the average person off right?

For me, i happen to know what it is and i happen to like the "smelly beancurd" which they sell in little bottles in supermarkets.

I was vehemently told not to eat the noodles because it STINKS.

Well, whaddaya know.

I made the noodles, and it stank like A RUBBISH DUMP. I kid you not.

But i liked it.

*** ***

It's 5:30am and i am hungry again. The last thing i ate was the stinky noodles at about 3am.

I think i should have my own pantry of late night food.
Yummy boosters to keep me awake.
Any suggestions?

Kinder Bueno is a favourite but by no means cheap. (when you consider how fast they are eaten)

DARN! Stomach is not happy!

he's mine!

I was walking home from a good dinner i had with my camp committee people and nursing an aching jaw.
(FSMT, you are such a joker man... cannot walk with you from now on.)

Yeah, and what glorious way to end the day by meeting this gorgeous hunk on the way home?

Was thump thumping down the slope on the way to the lift and when i turned... and saw the one of the cutest things to exist.

He had these long lean legs, crisp clean short hair, adoring eyes, and was tall too.
He walked with confident steps and was seemed very assured of himself.

I couldn't resist it anymore.
I HAD to talk to him... I've seen him around before in my estate and i figured, if not now then when...

Since i was feeling quite daring, and confident that he would talk to me, i decided to give it a shot.

Before i could even introduced myself, he threw himself at me. Literally.

Lean legs, lean body, mouth even.

Obviously, he likes me too.

BUT. I. WAS. SHOCKED.

I never expected that he would have such... energy.
He didn't look like the sort who would harbour such ideas.

Anyway, i got his name. His name is Max. What a nice name right?

*swoon*

I'll be seeing Max pretty often.

Oh, Max is a dog.

dead fish

i went for the NUS Outdoor shoot today.

the ONLY GOD GIVEN thing was the absence of strong winds. That is the only thing that went right.

what went wrong:
- my scope came loose
- scope was scraping at my fletches, tearing them as the arrows took flight.
in other words, there wasn't enough clearance.
- my first round was a show stopper. in the other negative sense.
- arrows not hitting the board
- had to pull off all damaged fletches and so this affect the flight.
- had to, on the spot, decide to aim off the centre so i could hit the target.
- coach didn't look happy. at all.

i am sunburnt, my nose hurts, one arm is darker than the other, only half my legs are tanned and my jaw is aching from... chewing too furiously on gum during the shoot.

well.

i didn't train whatsoever for this shoot. and me doing like crap has made me decide that i will train purposefully for the upcoming INDOOR SHOOT.
Which i am sure i will have no majoy problems with.

I am doing well with 15m so, 18m should be easy.

wonder if i should get the fatter arrows for the indoor shoot.

and then, more bad things.

- i screwed my psych experiment.
- want to redo but not many more people to ask to be participants.
- don't wanna smoke through the report.
- but no time to redo!
- emailed tutor for extension and email kena rebound.
- what the..............

Today, was not my day.

amazing

I WAS in dire straits with that report.

But you know what. Prayer works and it justs astounds me.

While staring at the computer screen and groaning inside about how screwed up my report is, (trust me, it is C OR D grade material, which is unacceptable to me)
i decided to ask God to bail me out... again...

"Lord, remember the last time you helped me with that thing (bible quiz for church camp) i was rushing with? I'm going to need some help again, please..."

The problem i was having was,
1. not enough time.
2. too many words. i am only half done and i've already hit the word limit.

And so jo goes to school for tutorial, meeting her cognitive psychology tutor for the first time this year.
i was contemplating not going at all.

lo and behold.

Tutor says:
"i am very generous with my assignment extensions. so, if you need one, just let me know. even if you finish your assignment on the due day itself and of course you cannot post it at 11pm at night, don't worry. don't waste money coming all the way down to put it in my postbox. just mail it the next day and take it that you've been given a one day extension."

"i don't care too much about word limits, though if you find that you've written way too much, you know you've gone wrong somewhere. but generally, i don't really care too much."

at that point, i couldn't agree more with him. like, hello? i'm doing a REPORT HERE. And if it so happens that i have tons to report, than how does a word limit help in anything?
it only serves to make sure that i miss out on good points

Back to the story.

Because of my half burnt/passed out disposition, i didn't realise the significance of what he said.
Until i reflected on it on the way back.

THANK GOD. HOW SPECIFIC CAN IT GET?!

Plus, i was told that people from other classes want a place in his tutorials because he's a very good tutor.
I've been given the best cognitive psychology tutor around!

Lord, you're my saviour in more than one way!

All thanks be to you.

Lord, thank you for showing me that you care even when a tiny human bean like me has assignment problems.

devotion

There are moments when i feel so unloved.

But then i remember that there is someone who loves me more than i know now.
And it brings a smile to my face and a smile to my inner being whenever i think about it.

His love is always there. Perfect, pure, unconditional, forever, dependable.

This is the kind of love you'd want to invest in.
Human love fails ever so often but This One is a pillar a few million metres thick.

Thank you Lord.

Let me begin the day devoting it to you.
With thoughts about you, declaring you, "boasting" not in my strengths but in my life with you.

All the days of my life are yours.

...

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY STRESS LEVEL IS SOARING.
I FEEL THAT TINGLY FEELING WITHIN ME AND I FEEL MY BRAIN ZOOMING IN ALL DIRECTIONS AND I FEEL PANIC BEGINNING TO RISE UP TO MY THROAT.

*IMAGINES SELF STANDING IN SOME UNKNOWN DIMENSION, WITH GRID LINES GLOWING BLUE THAT DEFINE A KIND OF FLOOR AT MY FEET TO STAND ON STRETCHING FOREVER BEYOND AND BEHIND ME, WITH THE GALAXY FULL OF STARS BLINKING AND TWINKLING.

AND IN THIS STRANGE DIMENSION OF EXISTENCE, JO SUMMONS, CULLS, SCRAPS, HAULS, DEMANDS, AND HOLDS ALL HER MIGHT...

AND SCREAMS MURDER FOR A GOOD 1 HOUR INTO THE NOTHINGNESS*

the report, the report, the report............

*palmface*

It has occurred to me that the people that coach will be "negotiating" with will most likely be at the shoot this sunday.

HOW!? DIE!
Here i am, being the last minute person to sign up and take part, and because of that, not training for it, shooting 70 metres when i've only shot at 70m 4 or 5 times in my archery life, and the wind is a killer!

Even the archers who were helping me said that i'd be fine if there wasn't any wind. But no... the wind is my nemesis.

Gah... i don't know if those people will take me into the training team after seeing me shoot and group my arrows on the ground or something.
:-(

Never mind... Take it as it comes.

I will be bullheaded as usual.

Dangg...

Because of these websites, i am:

- having such a great time to the point of not concentrating on my work. (...)
- having a great laugh
- realizing, that i've found the blogs written by people who really tickle my funny bone. The one kind of humour i appreciate.

ok, i admit i am sure a slow one in discovering that i love these sites since entering the blogsphere. Ah, better late than never.

(mr brown, mr miyagi, bubblemunche, LMD, etc.)

I like this post. Hope the author doesn't mind me putting the link here.

Back to work.

*** ***
(edited)

me: managed to send the files through?
coach: i am still negotiating your case. Will confirm asap.
me: (thinks) oh my oh my.
me: Sure, thanks! it's for the youth training team right?
coach: yah... any achievements? as in, medals?
me: (thinks) WHAT?!
me: no... i have no sporting background.
(i don't think sprinting counts here right)

Ok, that was the suckiest thing to say when trying for the youth team. But what the flounder. I am nonchalant about it.

All i have is my positive attitude towards training and being a better archer and taking advice and coaching.

And if opportunity comes, and i am game, i'll go for it.

If you don't want that, fine by me.
It was an aspiration, a burning desire, dashed by politics and my own fear.

Now, the love for archery is here.
But the burning drive to once again meet my dream squarely in the face is but only glowing and cooling coals now.

Can i be ignited again? Maybe.

So, the cards are there all laid out.
Doesn't matter to me if you swipe em off the table.

I'd walk away feeling cheated and humiliated.

But i know there're far better things to achieve in life than recognition and Man's praise.

feeling: seh.

Sleeping properly/enough/and awaking without a headache...
Has become a luxury recently.

My bed wasn't occupied last night. Looks like another 24 hour work marathon thing almost got recorded for the second time.

By God's Grace, my brain is still functioning pretty well even after working on the essay for all those hours.

I hardly noticed the hours go by.

I find it hard to fathom how the hours seemed so short.

Wow.

I definitely wasn't having fun but i guess i was just... pretty desperate.

Lord... Thank you.

But i realized that my tutor wanted it a certain way, so i have to go back and rearrange and write more.

*moan*

I "passed out" sometime in the morning when the rest of Singapore was awakening.
Heh.
Man, i was told that i had better not let this become a habit. I may get insomnia, so says someone who's been through this same phase.

*** ***

It was painful and I look back on it with different coloured vision every now and then.

Sometimes i feel regret, sometimes i feel:

it hurts like my heart had been through a massive compressing machine with spikes on it and hasn't healed. but if i hadn't done what i did, i wouldn't have had the chance to do what i love and want to do for life. amongst many other things. and chances are, may not have met all the people in my life today. Plus, God may not be this strong in my life too had i not done what i had to.

Come to think of it, it feels like, it just happened not long ago.
It's still pretty vivid emotionally though the other details are fuzzy.

I am even amused thinking about it.

In the space of 3 years:
- good friends can come back together and REMINISCE about the happenings in the past years.
- people can easily forget friends
- most people at least, would move on and live life as per normal

in other words, 3 years is a LONG TIME.

And how does my antagonistic heart exist?

It can be cold, hard and unreceptive to love, and at other times, it pines and bleeds.

To the guy who:
Can break the ice, melt every bit of it, march 7 rounds or more around the Jericho wall till it collapses, who can gently open me up with such simple ease with warm honesty, love (Godly and romantic) and humour (wit/morbid/smartly annoying), who can hum in tune with my off kilter frequency with absolute comfort...

You're the man, aye.

Till then, there'll be a wall of politeness, not total honest blabbering, and not baring who i am.

FOr some reason, i can't control it. It just happens.

I guess the onus is on the external environment now. Only when i can truly connect with someone, will i peek over the wall, consider cautiously lowering the draw bridge or maybe breaking it down.

But if the time is right, and if there's something right about him and our relationship with God, then who knows?

I can't even say it outright. The heart lives in solitude and is unreceptive to romantic love.

There is no trust in it.

worship

i am glad to say that now i am beginning to see what people mean when they say that they enjoy worshipping God with music.

It used to be, "ah, ok, i just like playing the piano because i like making music, i like just the act of playing."

But, as i learn new skills through the keyboard lessons i'm having, i am learning more about worship and how such a joy can be found making music for God, and how even more wonderful it is, when you play AND SING to Him, the words.

And mean everything that you say in the song.

playing creates simply the tune and melody. but it's when you sing and mean it...

when you sing with your heart and mean all that you say, there is such overwhleming joy, pleasure and flow when you worship.

AS i sit at my piano and play, i create or discover chords that tingle my senses within, and i simply love it.

Certain jazzy chords, meaningful, chords that lead on to something...

But making music for the purpose of worship, is more than just loving the sounds and chords that you make.

not that what i play is top notch material.
i just play what i know and feel.
(never was much of a score reader anyway)

music is the medium... but the extra dimension, that is, that love for the Lord and the desire to express this devotion, is so lovely and personal.

It's an expression of love to my Lord, in a way that i know.

*** ***

I wonder if the compound event has been restored into the SEA Games this year.

I am cheesed with those silly "sports" officials who don't know a thing about archery and insist on not recognizing the compound bow.
And furthermore, imposing their MYOPIC, COKE BOTTLE EYESIGHT on the all important decision on whether compound is in.

The last time i heard, the event hasn't been included. Singapore had better vote for it.

It'll be fun to watch people i know on TV! All the recurve and compound dudes and dudettes!

What happened to my dream? Smothered by politics and inefficiency, that's what.

But nonetheless, i still love archery and i'm not going to let this love die.

You Are 40% Left Brained, 60% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

coming back.

The rain began just as she started walking towards the outdoor range.
She moans inwardly in despair.

And she tells God.

God... please stop the rain... i know you need to water your plants, but i think they've been sufficiently watered already... please, i haven't shot outdoors in such a while and i really want to... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!

Can i have the kind of hot, dry/humid kind of weather? the scorching hot kind? remember?

and as she walks into the range through the gates, the rain intensity begins to lessen.

and then as she reaches the tents and after a phone conversation, she looked up to the skies and discovered that:

not only did the rain STOP. But beautiful blue sky was revealed... OVER THE OUTDOOR RANGE.

just when a short while ago, the sky was cloudy, dark and very unpromising. and rain was making the range a mud pool.

Jo is/was a happy girl. Thank you papa God.
You show yourself in funny ways. But me likey.

It got so hot that i even got a sunburn to show for it.

Sorry guys, if today was too hot for you.

*grin*

Prayer works.
The time taken for answers to them vary, but when God sees that it's appropriate and that He can allow it, you'll be amazed by the instant answer!

*** ***

OH NO! OH NO!

WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO AGAIN!?

NUS OUTDOOR COMPETITION NEXT SUNDAY.

JO, I AM CONVINCED THAT YOU HAVE GONE INSANE.

HELLO?

70 METRES YOU KNOW?

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I DID 70M?

LAST YEAR!

AND HOW WAS MY GROUPING?

LIKE TRASH!!!!!!

AND HAVE I PRACTICED?

NO!

DO U THINK YOU'LL PRACTICE THIS WEEK?

NO!

WHEN IS IT?
13TH MARCH.

OH HELP...................................................

WHAT ON EARTH AND WHAT IN ALL THE GALAXIES MADE ME SAY "YES"?!

*** ***

And another thing i got myself into. *squeak*

BC to me: you should join the squad.
Coach: yeah, i told you (me) so many times to join but you always say you're busy with this and that.
Me: WHHHAAAT? DID YOU ASK? WHEN?
Coach: *purses his lips and looks away for a moment before returning to look at me*

BC: you want to join or not?
me: yah... (thinks: i've been waiting for this all this while...)
BC: training is very tight you know.
me: i know. can you send me the schedule? (thinks: i've known this all along! grr...)
Coach: what's your email address?
me: i give you. then can u send me the schedule?
Coach: no, i'll send you the forms.

If it ends up bring another deadend, i will just be...
Whatever.
I'm very tired of inefficiency.

And now i am thinking.

Can i afford the time to train with the training squad or not...

I am now going to embark on being in the worship ministry as well as have keyboard lessons and school and cell group.

Wa, Jia lat.


ok, i had a full day. and i am sunburnt. something that i haven't been subjected to in a super long while.
i love the feeling of hot stinging rays on my skin.

Gotta go.

There's a million and one things that i've to make time for.

God... please help me.

appalled at what i saw.

i realize how sheltered i am from the kind of world people around my age and beyond live.

i am not accustomed to hearing bad language, it shocks me when i hear them blatantly said.
i don't see the kinds of social ills that are rampant in society.

when i see these things happen, my inner being feels pain for these people and i long to do something about it.

i want to reach out to them, but because of inexperience and perhaps inadequacy, i fear taking the step.

brb.

Cease. (i must've edited this no less than 6 times)

Why do i keep torturing myself?

Why does it hurt so bad even when i know it's going to happen?

AND HAS HAPPENED ALREADY.
IT'S BEEN A YEAR TOO!

Why jo why. Why do you keep doing this to yourself.

It's been years already and you still feel the stab?

Let go... You HAVE TO LET GO.

But i already have!

Then why am i shaking like a leaf?

God... My Abba Father...
Your love is the only thing keeping me safe and secure.

OH GOD....... WHAT CAN I DO TO RELEASE MYSELF FROM IT?
I thought this was long ago dealt with.

I'm feeling so divided.

A part of me is screaming, kicking and crying.
And feeling so alone and in crippling pain.
I'm trembling.

But the other part of me is sitting calm, with a tilt of the head, smiling subtly and wishing all things well.
Almost... psychotic-like.

Love gives rise to unspeakable joy and such cruel, ruthless pain all in one serving.

Wretched double edged sword.

But then, if Love is as it is from the Bible (which IS, as i believe), the latter part of me should be about the right way to go.

Should that kind of perfect biblical Love give us pain at all?

My life is in your hands Lord. You know what's best for me.

Your love is about the only thing that is constant. Change is a constant, but so is your love.

Take comfort in His love. It is unfailing.

All i need to do is TRUST YOU LORD and walk in your ways all the days of my life.

Normalized somewhat

CHECK THIS OUT... IF YOU LIKE HAVING YOUR BRAIN JOGGLED ABOUT!

ILLUSIONS!

FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN!

*** ***

Wouldn't it be interesting to be a guy for one day, knowing full well that you were a girl, will return to being one, but just for a single day, you will get to experience all that a guy does.

Ok, maybe a week.

I'm NOT having cheeky thoughts LAH.

The first thing i would do? Is go have a really funky hairdo.

Which reminds me, what if i was a totally cannot-make-it looking guy.
*giggle*

Anyway, then you will see girls from a guy's point of view, how guys have an effect on a girl, how girls have an effect on a guy, how to figure them enigma girls, how to push the right buttons.

What you would see in an attractive girl, to see if the "non-stop sex mindedness" thing is overrated or not.

Being in a whole differently hardwired mind and body.

Then, you get to know what sort of things make guys tick, why they do certain things in a certain way, why some things annoy the **** out of a girl but he doesn't think it's wrong.

What it takes for bonds to form between two guy friends, what annoys a guy about another guy.

*** ***

Having a headache that has been bothering me for the past 3 days or so.

The sort of headache dude that sits at the back of my head, smokes a cigar while it periodically puts a stun gun to the side of my head and presses the "zap" button.

It's not sharp but more a dull throb. Funny gun you have there.

I shall sleep you off soon.

****! ****!

overload, overload.

going bonkers. my mind is zooming from one corner to the other, thoughts and all things neurotic splishy splashy all over the place.

concerns over this and that, worries about that and this, nonsense spouting on my blog in rushes.

everything but essay content is exiting my mind.

i have Lush 99.5 pumping funky frequency through my ear drums, as i try to remain calm and in control, as i blink my tired eyes, and peer tiredly past hair in my face at the lappie screen.

made a radio switch to 97.2. chinese channel, are you surprised?
well, i've made a recent discovery that chinese love ballets can be quite easy on the ear and actually gently pleasing with the nice musical backdrop.

ok, i'm not to lose it. i'm trying not to lose it.

LORD. HELP. ME. PLEASE.

It's fear from last year. The baggage of pain and grades not proportionate to the amount of effort i put in.
The baggage, oh all the **** baggage that's making a stupid small essay such a big issue.

ok, stop.

BE STILL MY SOUL.

I did go back to ACJC during Founder's Day for about... 1 or 2 years? After i packed my bags and left its portals.

This time, it feels like a distant notion to even consider stepping on Dover soil.

Anyway, i had a hoot reading Mr Brown's (www.mrbrown.com) blog and Mr Miyagi's blog.
(on their Founder's Day stint)

Sorry, technology a bit lagging here huh, so you need to cut and paste if you want to read.

And you can access Mr Miyagi's by going through Mr Brown's. And yes, i am not calling them mister because i want to be polite. It's just the way it is.

giving me a reason not to trust you again?

that's too easy for you... you've done it again. congratulations!

there's no reason for me to trust you.
what is there to base the trust on?
AND,
even if what was said was meant to be "hey, trust me because...".

BAH. What do you take me for eh? do you think i was born yesterday?

You've done it before, you've proven that you're capable of being plain childish and manipulative.
(to no avail by the way. read that. and weep.)

Today shall be, "type as and when i feel like it".
off the top of my head, stuff.

11:36am

We need to get a REAL weighing machine. Not that the one we have is showing me something i don't like to see.

Quite the opposite really.
Which is the very reason why i don't believe it.

They say:
There are no ugly women. Just lazy women.

I think, i am lazy. Therefore, that makes me ugly.
So, i am ugly and lazy.
What a brilliant and winning combination.

Looking around myself as i go out onto the streets of O. alone, yes, and i can do that with utmost confidence mind you, (hm, come to think of it, i think i scared off that lady from the modelling agency) i realize what lengths women older and women my age go to to make themselves look desirable/feel good about themselves.

The nails, the hair, the make-up, the... rearrangement of anatomy(?), the shoes, the clothes...

And if you notice, the kinds of things hanging from the average women out there is quite... quite loud.
(that could mean in colour... not always in design, but design can definitely be included, cut, style, accessories... the works.)
That's in my opinion, of course.

Thing is. They bother to do all that for themelves.

And i am thinking: Gee. I am comfortable as i am.

And that would be:
a solid coloured tank (preferably racer back)/polo tee/big or slightly fitting tee
+
my usual hip-hanging-no-butt-to-hold-up jeans/my trusty berms-that-were-around-since-sec-school.
+
slippers/teva sandals.

I can run after a bus, dash up stairs two at a time, sit reasonably comfortably without revealing anything indecent, not worrying if i forgot to shave (!)...

I'm sure i can think of more.

Sometimes i wonder if i can look any better IF i bothered to do something about myself. (HAHA, that came out sounding rather strange)

But look.
I vow that i look odd with any more make-up than what i use now. And i am not exaggerating when i say that i look like someone from a Wayang show if tried to dump on more.

And of course, many other things which would just give you perfect reason to say: That's your problem you boring old lady.

Yes.
I am now not just lazy and ugly, but also conservative, scared and unadventurous.

The perfect candidate for some local makeover show or some glamourette thingy aye?

hohoho. Sad case lah you, jo.

Hotel Rwanda

using my mom's lappie which's a bit messed up so i gotta type most things in small letters. :-)

*** ***

My tutor keeps talking about how she did this and that while teaching in NIE, how the culture is there and how she is doing in the SIM culture, her students there, blah blah blah, "in IE, in IE, in IE..."
That it has turned from pleasantly interesting to jarringly annoying.

Now i guess i know what it feels like for others when i prattle on about all things ACJC.

*** ***

I've decided that i will not deprive myself of brain food, be it in the form of movies or books from the library or concerts or some such, even during the academic year.

living the way i used to last year was rather meaningless. one must know that there is a time for everything.
it's not an excuse to go out exactly, but haven't we all heard... "all work and no play, makes jack a dull boy".

so, i have stomped my foot down and went to watch Hotel Rwanda yesterday.

i am glad i watched it, it was worth my every cent. it was so deep and engaging that when i stepped out from the theatre into the brightly lit mall and saw the bright blue sky outside, i felt almost like i've never lived before.

like, i live in a plastic world.

of course, in different parts of the world and in different stages of national growth, with whatever level of poverty there is, the people all over, go through different forms of troubles and calamities.

But you have to admit that some calamities could be more heavy on the spirit than others.

i might be dying from my academic studies and going insane and breaking down mentally.

i might be going through a rough patch at the office with too much work.

or, maybe i might be facing the very lack of a job altogether.

or, maybe my husband is leaving me for another woman.

But imagine having a gun pointed at your head, your spouse's head (someone you've fallen in love with, given of yourself and share intimate ties with) or child's head (your own flesh and blood and maybe part of your "spirit" even).

you never know when the last breath will be or when will be the last time you get to say goodbye.

death is certain, as certain as taxes.
death is solid, irreversible. by most standards at least.

the dead person has no more life to hope for anything.

that is, unless of course you think that life hath no more meaning. and if you think that living is more of a pain than anything else.

"i would pay you to shoot me and my family"
-Paul, the main character.

The swaying between both ends: the desire to survive and to end the stress upon his shoulders and the horror of what he has seen.

*shiver*

"What's the use? They would simply say: Oh my God, that's horrible... And continue eating their dinner."
(or to that effect)

Having it SAID RIGHT OUT for you to hear really tears a chord inside.
How true it is.
I can picture it happening now. Sinking teeth into fresh homemade food while i watch the news, of people being beaten, people being burnt from bombings, getting shot down.

And not doing anything about their plight.

Once, i thought to myself: "I am a servant of yours God, AND WHAT AM I DOING HERE?!?!"

Of course there are many considerations that i could go into but that's just another issue to tackle altogether.

there is more about the show i want to ramble about but i have to stop for now. i guess i fall under the "dying under academic circumstances" bit.

till then.
*this's a good start*