Signing up for Spectra365 wasn't an easy decision for me. (and i don't think i made it easier for Lala... Sorry girl. :-S)

Knowing myself, getting involved in community projects are probably one of the last things that i would -willingly- do. The simple reason, as well as irony, is that i fear people. I fear meeting people, i love AND hate small talk, i feel that i'm not a confident person who's settled comfortably into her own skin. And mind you, all these churning in me alongside the desire to be able to help people.

During the decision making process, i had to give up something that although affirmed me in my gifts, it played up my ego (the bad side to serving on stage). It was either that, or joining the project. But something in me would not allow myself to have any peace if i didn't commit a handful of saturdays to the project. With much struggling and deliberation, i said "yes". In that same instant, i felt very strongly that i did the right thing BUT, i also felt jittery. I could feel the skeletons in my closet clattering away in anxiety.

The first day of Spectra365 came and left, seeing around 80-90 young volunteers going through a ropes course to build up our confidence, to enable us to see the parallel between that and what was to come.

Sometimes you just need to take the first step to overcome your fear. It doesn't mean your fear disappears, it just means that you managed to pluck up the courage to face the challenge. Also, we learnt that we need to face our challenges alone at times, and that we may not always have the benefit of having people around us to cheer us on. Yet, that doesn't mean that we stop in our endeavours. So, the upcoming challenge for all of us will be meeting, bonding and working together with youths at risk in the saturdays ahead.

Previously, at the point of saying yes to the project, i was under the impression that we were going to be dealing with children. But as things moved along, we were recently told that we were going to deal with youths (13 to 20-ish years old).

I baulked at first. Scared out of my wits. With youths, you inevitably get a more complex person to deal with.

But then it dawned on me... How i used to tell myself that given a choice, i'd rather be with secondary school students if i ever got to be a teacher. In other words, i realize that this is the perfect opportunity for me to reach out to the very group of people i want to, without having to be a teacher, and they're not just any "regular" youths in that general sense, but youths who will require something extra.

I know it'll be naive of me to think that i can 100% change or be a 100% ultra-positive-impact on someone's life in only a few days, but that isn't going to stop me from trying my best to do what i can.

And so it is with cheerful anxiety and joyous fear (plus cranking and storing up on the PR juices) that i'll wait till the day that i can meet the youth that i'll be attached to. Girl or guy, it doesn't matter... Lets see what magic we'll create together when we go on our photo taking trip at the end of Feb!

(Note: we're to take about one or a few days to break the ice with the youths at the beneficiaries' place, then there'll be a designated route for a photo taking trip where we'll work together with the youths to take photos together)

I'm probably going to need to study some national geographic magazines while i'm preparing for it though. My knowledge of photography is sooo limited. Teehee.

This is self centred, but it's true... It hurts me when i can't say the right things to help someone because i can't fully read, comprehend and understand the pain a friend is going through.

I have long "prided" myself in the ability to see where someone was coming from and therefore give advice that is most relevant and that hits the nail on the head; to speak words that make a friend feel genuinely better, such that they really feel like the load on their shoulders has lifted. I enjoy being able to do that, to be there for others as the listening ear and soggy but firm shoulder. (Hence my chosen major in psychology too, a decision i made in secondary school)

But things have kind of changed and I'm sick of saying "i understand", only to say, in the next moment, something that they don't agree with.

I also find myself always trying to be everyone's best friend, and don't ask me how this came about. I've long given up on the notion of "best friends", since primary school (see how cynical i was already?).

But yeah, i have a tendency to hope that people would share their lives with me, that they would feel comfortable enough to open up and talk about their innermost feelings, thoughts and plans, as well as their struggles. Truly, i do feel sad when i feel like i can't connect with someone at that level.

Honestly and i'll admit that I think that a lot of this "wanting to feel close to and feeling like i can help someone", though is well meaning on my part for the benefit of the other person, is also a lot about trying to fill up a void in me caused by years of feeling rejected.

Strangely, in trying to be someone's best friend, to be someone who's needed by someone else, the tables are turned: it becomes me needing to cling onto someone(s) to have that feeling of security of being wanted.

I can't remember the last time i bared my soul to a friend. It's as though as the years progress, my friends all lie on the same plane. Don't get me wrong, i've got quite a few people i consider good, and very good friends. But somehow no one really gets past the smooth glass floor that separates my soul from them. You can look through it, you can see what's happening beneath, but you can't crash through it to be fully immersed in my life.

So there seems to be two issues at hand here.
1. Feeling that people don't open up - is it something wrong on my part, too high expectations of others? perhaps i'm just not someone they want to speak to after all.
2. Is there something i'm subconsciously holding back on my side?

Obviously, i have no clue about this... And i've just realized that this is a darn honest blog post. Well, it's a "thinking out loud" post after all: More personal, less politically correct and it's got way more sensitive information.

Actually, i've recently decided that apart from my vital stats and where i live and other information, i'm going to allow myself to be more honest and i won't really care too much about how it's all going to sound. I suppose i'm practicing the skill of "getting to the point" when talking about how i truly feel. Hence "thinking out loud".

I guess i could suppose also that the very people who see posts like these from now on do get to see a bit of my soul after all... (i wonder who has stuck around since 2003??? It's been quite boring along the way, i'll be the 1st to confess) You, my thevacuum readers, of whom are friends i see every now and then, others i reckon i'll never see but still leave me comments of which i really appreciate, and better yet, those who will never reveal themselves to me.

***

From June 13, 2006.

I really should stop taking photos that are simply look-at-camera-and-smile types. B-O-R-I-N-G.

Remembering that i had a memory triggering aid in the form of a CD with a sizeable number of photos of my JC mates, i sifted through my pile of CDs, found it and popped it into the drive.

I'm smiling as i click through and view them one by one. The ones that especially trigger those feelings of nostalgia and that fuzzy warmth are those that capture in a sweet frame our madcap antics, smiles that were caught in a split second without the purposeful bunching of certain muscles for that practiced smile some of us have tried to perfect.

The best pictures are those that allow you to see more than a smile plastered on a face, the kind that reveals to the viewer the reflection of the sentiment(s) of that moment through the body language of the photo's subjects. It's a joy to see us close friends just being ourselves, the way we are.

And then i think, we don't always have to smile for photos, do we? Yeah. We don't.

Think about how different it would be if we took photos of ourselves in times when we are feeling anguish, when our eyes are sore and swollen with prolonged crying, when our faces reflect emptiness, dull from the sapping of all positivity.

If photos are about capturing moments to remember, are not times of unhappiness worthy of being remembered, or captured, too? Thinking back on events past and seasons of our lives need not always have to stir good emotions. Our lives are a collection of far more than that.

Life is equally ugly as it is beautiful.

(and oh how i've been living up to this... haven't graduated to crying pictures yet though)

I saw you on those pages and read the things that you've accomplished: your title, your place, your position, the people around you... you seemed loved by all and you were looking good. I found myself admiring you, and then found myself wondering why i was even admiring you.

Why was i drawn to your fame and success?

In the past, i never really understood the thing about fame and success because i felt that it wasn't something that applied to me. It was something "other people" faced, and although there will always be a degree of wanting some kind of fame, i knew that part of me was well in check, and it was something i could handle easily.

But when i saw what you had and who you had become, there was a sudden longing to want to be associated with you again.

I surprised myself with the intensity of my emotions. I felt like i, and what i had, was lacking. And i somehow wished that i, or the people around me could measure up to you... so that i could have someone or something to boast about. I used to take pleasure in speaking of you, did you know that? I loved how people gawked and thought that you were so amazing.

I can't do that anymore though. Though there's only one degree of separation, we're figuratively worlds apart now.

Catching myself in that instant, i felt the reality of what has been said before.

Why do i need to concern myself with other people's lot in life? Each of us has been given an individual and unique life to lead, all of them different. Some of us bask in the limelight, some of us work in the background, all at different times, in varying degrees, or none at all. It's just the way things are.

When we place our self worth against the standards of the world, we will live quite consistently sad and dissatisfied lives until we see ourselves redeemed in some worldly accepted way. So for the rest of the time in life, we'll be consciously or subconsciously longing and slaving away to reach and grasp some kind of redemption to comfort ourselves, that we've managed to achieve "a level of dignity".

For those few minutes as i sat there with dread and envy rolled into one, i tasted the true and raw emotions of what it was like to feel worthless according to the world's standards. And it was heart wrenching, condemning, bitter, evil, heavy and depressing.

As i said, than i began to wonder why i was even feeling that way... and i collected the pieces of myself that were all over the floor and came to realize the truth: My worth and my identity is in Christ, in God. And when Christ is who i'm rooted in, what the world holds in acclaim hasn't even got a place of importance in my heart. Truthfully, what God thinks of me matters so much more then anything or anyone else. Really, nothing that i achieve matters in His eyes because he's looking at my heart and soul, not what my heart and soul achieves. I'm already special, already perfect and pleasing to God.

In those short moments, i experienced both the insecurity of worthlessness, and the security of being found in God, swinging from heavy heartedness to blessed freedom. And i know that i wouldn't want to compare myself with anyone ever again, because it really hasn't got any logical sense to do so. My life's worth is not measured by the number of titles that the world clamours after, but by whether i have, in my capabilities, lived out this life's lot that i was given, to the fullest.

I have a beautiful piece of news, and it's all thanks to GOD!

Well, last year i was in a tough administration fight with SIM over the schedule of my modules: the only two modules that i can take this semester clash, same day, same time. So that meant that i had no choice but to make certain sacrifices as to which lessons i could go for.

Then, shortly after i gave in to the rigid system, with horror i realized that both these modules fall on friday night, that is, the night on which i have cell group, kinda like a bible study group.

Cell group has been a very integral part of my life since 2004, because it's where my life took a turn for the better as i grew in my walk with the Lord. With this additional problematic layer, i ultimately had three things at the same time and i can't possibly tear myself into 3 parts.

I spoke to some of my church mates about this, and they prayed for me and the situation, and submitted it to God.

Well, yesterday i checked my timetable again and without notice from the school, i discovered that both my modules have been shifted to mondays. Which means that fridays are free for cell group! Praise God!

My modules still clash, but i'm sure, without a shadow of a doubt, that i can triumph over this with God by my side.

Like what Mer, WR and Dom have said, God has a beautiful way of working with and for his people as he works behind the scenes to bring us through. Even in times when things look so impossible, look up to the one who specializes, masters, majors, in impossibilities, and you'll know that he'll take care of it in his time according to his plan.

Somehow, i wasn't worrying too much about this before because i knew that God wouldn't want me to miss out on cell group, which is a place where we come together to praise and seek God and fellowship with other Christians, UNLESS he had other plans for me. Like, going to another cell group? Haha.

Thanks to all of you who've been praying and asking me about the state of school affairs.

So yeah, bring it on! I'm all prepared, and ready.

I know my doggy loves me when he chooses to lie down *on a location* near me in the same room even when he has the obvious choice of trotting over to my sis's room to snuggle deep underneath the duvet on her bed that's perpetually undone: perfect for a small dog to burrow into on a chilly sunday morning.

Note i said *on a location*, and not *next to me*, because he still insists on having some level of creature comfort, ie, sleeping on a soft, squishy surface. He hopped onto my lap a while ago as i was surfing the net at my dad's study table, presumably to analyze his snooze location but found it wanting. (oooh, am i not soft and squishy? i suppose that would be good news for me... muah hahahaa)

After some room exploration, he discovered that there was a mattress drapped upon the massage chair that he could snooze on. Reading his body language (he tip toes, standing on his 2 hind legs and lifts his head up to peer at his destination with longing), i figured the mattress was too high for him to hop onto so i gave him an express lift and so he's now lounging satisfied and peacefully asleep. (mom and dad would balk at this but i don't care. teehee.)

I love, love, love, Jed... and the communication and bond that we have. :-) There are just some things that simply can't be bought by food, which is almost pretty much the source of motivation for a lot of things.

Ok, this is going to sound sad but yes. I can't access the internet at home for some unfathomable reason and so i'm using the office internet connection to blog. Which is why it's a good and bad thing to be at the office on a saturday. -.-"

It's been raining non-stop for a couple of days on end and being a person who tends to see rain as a literal dampener on most of my most ideal forms of recreation, i've been most annoyed no less. Most of the disdain for it lies in that somehow i've evolved (YES, i used to be able to tahan the cold pretty well) into this pathetic creature who shivers and whines once the temperature hits below 25degrees. You'd think that most people who live in the tropics would LOVE lowered temperatures for a change, but no, i love my searing sunshine.

But yesterday i had so much fun on my own in the rain... Almost bordering on boh-liaoness, for lack of another word for it, and insanity (?). I was suppose to meet lakeside girl to pass her a couple of tees but instead made a classic blur jo move and went to another destination within the same area instead of meeting her directly. Making the deviation meant tramping through nice, huge, deep puddles of cold rain water that streamed down from the nearby field (EARTHWORM ALERT!!!) to collect in depressions along the stretch of pavement that led to the train station.

I haven't felt this kind of blissful simplicity in a such a long time: hugging myself tightly under the shelter of my foldable brolly, flip flopping (props to my brand new pink Arena slippers that prevented embarrassing wet-knee-to-cement accidents) through the puddles which resulted in drenched legs and shorts, having jazz music pumping into my ear drums, eating that packet seaweed thing (Tae Ki Noi? How do you spell that) and talking to and laughing with myself and God at the same time.

Yes, i was happy.

Rain, nature, God, food, self, the sound of rain, washing my seaweedy fingers in the rain, music.

Simple pleasures.

I am...

I'm amazed at the amount of thoughts on life lessons and observations that go through my head and get processed while i iron. Not a good reason to iron, but you get what i mean. As quick as the thoughts come, i forget them just as easily once i'm done with my pile of clothes. Bah.

I've just switched to the new blogger as you can tell and i'm still trying to take everything in, being the technoidiot i am.

Anyway, today i just thought i'd remind myself of the "who i ams". Often times i forget the myriad of roles that make up "me", and i make the mistake of unwittingly glossing over my responsibilities and the tasks linked to each identity.

This isn't prompted by the first sermon of the year, but somehow it just clicks and seems appropriate to do at this point in time. Oh and yeah, it's got nothing to do with that mostly poignant "I am" meme either.

So..., I AM:

A beloved child and willing servant of the Most High King, Jesus Christ.

A family member of the Lim clan, daughter, and unofficial part-time Maria.

A family member of the Ng Clan, a cousin AND aunty to cousins' kids.

Weirong's significant other.

A friend to all my friends. Not wise to list out the different groups here though. :-)

A Birthday I/C.

A cell attendence taker.

A member of, and a keyboardist in the Youth Worship Ministry @ COOS, playing in my band: Tehillah.

One fifth of a leadership.

A sort of leader helping out with the worship ministry understudies.

A rusty compound Archer, and sort of absent ACS committee member.

A Student of UniSIM, doing and loving psychology, hoping to be of some help to people one day.

A front desk worker at a certain psychology centre.

***

Ok, reckon this's all i can think of for the moment. Getting rather drowsy, i suspect it's the cough syrup i took earlier on.

Do you like quirky and unique earrings, like lego pieces and guitar picks as the focal point?

Check out http://plastickbricks.livejournal.com to take a look at their collection, and if you like what you see, make a purchase! I DID!!! I bought like, 3 pairs of lego earrings and i'll be getting a guitar pick one soon. I bet they'd come in handy, hee.

The workmanship's good and the sellers are really nice people, this couple from my church youth music ministry and this is just their new little business venture.

***

THANK GOODNESS for YOUTUBE and PEOPLE WHO POST UP SHOWS!

Now i can enjoy Whose line Is it Anyway any time i want. Oh the Hoedowns... They're HILARIOUS!

I was off on an unintentional hiatus, and i must say that i don't really like not able to blog, AND i don't really like having nothing/feeling as if i have nothing to say.

Really, there's just so much to share if i can only get my thoughts in order.

Maybe for now, i'll just let some pictures do the talking.



Jun and I horsing around during a recent wedding dinner of 2 of our church leaders.







Pretty cupcakes that were screaming at me to take a shot of them. Thanks Denise dear. :-DDD







My band, "Tehillah". Tehillah means "Exuberant Praise" in hebrew. See you guys on friday for practice!
L-R standing: Shan Yu, Shawn, Marcus, Chris, Chris, Oliver
L-R kneeling: Cheryl, Unidentified Creature, Nat.
(youth worship ministry camp, or, YWMC)





Is that... Cousin It?
L-R, clockwise: Lynn, Nat, Justin, Kenny, Cousin It?
(YWMC)






Cousin It Revealed.
L-R clockwise: Nat, Justin, Me, Kenny.
(YWMC)






Lots more photos, but i'm too lazy to wait for blogger to load it. Ha.
Oh, and nuts... I've put on weight!

When i opened his present... I laughed super out loud, and then hooted and woot-ed...

(Laughed: "WOW! THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN LUSTING AFTER! Hoot and Woot: "WOAH! UNCANNY MAN!!!" and upon closer inspection, "WOAH! HIGH END STUFF LEH!")

Not that it was something i didn't like, in fact, it was something that i've always debated over whether to buy... erm, as in, lip gloss. (ok, anti-climax lah, but don't pop my bimbo moment ok?)

Every time i'm at the pharmacy, i'll pick up the colour that i like and clutch it in my hand as i move around the shop. But it would take me only a few minutes of re-consideration before i put it down again in the rack.

Yeah, so like it said, when i opened his present... I was surprised to see FOUR SHADES OF LIP GLOSS all prettily displayed in a transparent box. And it was from a high end brand ok...... Woahh... *bug eyes*

I wonder whether it's because he notices that i don't put anything on my lips for work or whether he thought that (most) girls can't have too much of make-up anyways.
If it's the former, that would make him not only a very perceptive psychologist, but also a very keen observer of small details, or the lack of them.

Seriously, God has a sense of humour. I'm being blessed with the things that i've always wanted to get but never did. First came the mp3 player, then my nice 4 tubes of lip gloss. Whee!

OH AND...

I've just opened another present and... it's more lip stuff! (haven't opened it so i don't know if it's gloss or lip stick)
Anyways, thanks girl! Hoohoo!

Talk about abundant blessings.

And.... Thank You NTU Cell for your birthday card and present! Thanks to Gem who always has the knack for making and picking the things i like very much. ;-DDDD

Just wanted to say that i feel so blessed by everyone around me, as well as Daddy God.

In the past few weeks, he probably saw and provided me the "want" that i've been eyeing for a while, and for FREE. I did nothing to deserve it, and it pretty much just landed in my lap. He's also blessed me with people who care, and He has also brought me through situations where i know i would have messed up if i had relied on myself to succeed.

*

Woo, i wonder what i should wear for the wedding on the 1st of Jan. I'll be playing for the service, so need to "wear nice nice", as pastor puts it. :-D White and Khaki is the dress code. Hmm... Anyone wanna give me a makeover?

I haven't had fun at work before, and today nails it! And why?

Because NO ONE IS AROUND. MUAH HAHAHAHAHAA. Ok, my colleagues and boss had a presentation to go to, so that leaves lil ole me all by myself to man the phone. Since i'm spending pretty much like 9 hours or so alone enclosed in the office, i brought all my art stuff so that i could work on some birthday and christmas presents. Ah, so productive, i likes.

Think: radio on louder than usual, singing to Corrinne May and head banging to Gotan Project mp3s, embossing stuff, typing out calendars and filling them in, drawing and outlining pictures, drawing out calendars and filling them in...

Around close to 3pm, i was severely running out of ideas of what to occupy myself with. And in a corner next to me is this bunch of leaves that look like the real stuff of christmas trees. But far from inspiring romantic images of white rolling hills densely populated by snow covered pine trees, the remains of this one has kind of begun to smell sourish, like puke.

So it's now the "11th hour" before i knock off, and i've forgotton that i've got to collect the mail. Ok, so here i go. YEAY! 10 more minutes to freedom!

Ok, from this trash you can tell that i'm really not lying to you about my boredom.

To find out that he was only that bit away from me gave me the chills. There's still a degree of separation and it's very likely that i won't bump into him anyway. But STILL... When i heard that little bit of news, my blood ran cold for a moment.

Not that i fear anything, or feel anymore pain. It's just that when a bit of my past comes by to brush lightly against my current path in life and even almost crosses it, i can't help but feel a sudden rush of thoughts and emotions. The physiological body then reacts accordingly... The heart races, i feel cold and my hair stands, my head throbs and my palms go a bit clammy.

A part of me always hopes that both parties will come to an amicable and civil existence, especially since it's been a number of years already. I never make advances and i don't think i'll ever dare to unless it's obvious that if i do, i won't be murdered. God knows best about the state of our minds and hearts, and i trust Him wholeheartedly for however the future unfolds.

Update: (heh.)

Thanks also to my group of ACJC mates, Peeds, Brose, Ger and Betts for springing that birthday surprise on me at Fish and Co. Wahaha, sorry that the toilet trip thingy was foiled because i refused to budge from my seat. Haha, i'm such a spoiler lah... You guys mean so much to me, that i'd always try to keep you guys as close as possible to me throughout this lifetime despite time and distance.

Thanks so much Gem, Mer and Dom who treated me generously to dinner, i love having your company! If only the hours stood still, we could just yak away into the night. Looking forward to our games afternoon before service on sat. ;oDDD

Thanks also to the ACJC Library Gang and Associates who all took time off from their working schedules to spend time with me at VivoCity for dinner. Teehee... I could say the same here, that i'm just so blessed to have you all as my close sisters, and that we can just talk about everything. If only we didn't need to go home, we'd talk till the cows come home. See you girls for our sleepover! *hoorah!* You girls are guaranteed: my friends for life!

***

Thank you John for the ice breaker that somehow led to it being broadcasted throughout the entire room.

Thank you worship ministry people who were all so enthusiastic about singing me the song which resulted in everyone clapping in unison and singing in sync.

And i have NO IDEA how the rest of you (who weren't there this morning at the workshop) knew about it.

And no thanks Chris for suggesting a "tao pok". haha.

Thank you for all your smses, whether they were words of encouragement, of blessing, well wishes.

Thank you for your warm smiles and ready handshakes, thank you for your arm that went around me that conveyed so strongly your genuine care and love.

Thank you dad who treated me to a dinner that opened my eyes to something that was an experience of a lifetime...

Thank you Kenny and Dominic for your lunch treat today. I was blown away by your gesture of brotherly care. :-DDDD

And there're more thank yous to make in the next few days...

Breathe, jo breathe...

Yesterday i survived a full day out on 4 hours of sleep.

Now, in the 20 hours that was sunday the 3rd, my day began at 4:20 am and i spent the following hours travelling to town and running my crazy self around the city hall, raffles, and marina area with thousands of other crazy people while the rest of Singapore was asleep.

If i think that's crazy, i sure wasn't crazy enough to attempt the 42km marathon. (a friend's friend was a casualty for that category. I hope he's recovering well and isn't too traumatised by his experience. :-< )

I'm pleased with my first 10km run in my life ever. 10km's not much according to most standards and it's not that i finished it with a superb timing, but it's because i finished it below my estimated time, while still being able to enjoy myself through and through from starting point to finish.

I loved feeling how my body moved easily and smoothly along the route without feeling as if i was a 100kg blobfish on two human legs. There weren't any signs of heavy, uncomfortable laborous breathing or muscle burning and i was able to pace myself with my self-talk and wasn't pressured by other runners. I felt totally at ease, like there was no physical strain, no pessimistic thoughts of "dang, this is going to be a long, sad, torturous run". Somehow, the body's system, from psychological and physical, was well tuned and prepared, without the preparation. Thank God!

I've a certain baseline stamina that can take me through 3-4 km at a shot, without very regular weekly runs (though you still need to be fit to some extent). But you can be sure that i didn't train for the 10km run at all, which was well understood, that even in the days before the run took place, my dad waved his hands at me and sneered that i haven't even been training for it.

Last night i came into his study with my "prize" and showed him the medal, to which he said: "Woah, not bad ah. It's quite heavy!" (hur hur) and then he added, "I don't think i would've been able to do it."

Much thanks to Denise who messaged me at like 6-something in the morning (!!!) and to fellow runners who tuned in to ask how everything went. Much thanks to Gem too for being there with me through the event (especially since Y couldn't make it due to work demands) though you didn't hide behind a bush along the way to wait for me so we could run together!!! :-( (ok, KIDDING ONLY)
(note: men's 10 km began 30min before the women's 10 km)

As if running wasn't enough for the day, i spent the rest of the afternoon in a sound proof room packed full with musicians, jamming and worshipping God together. ;-) Dinner with the worship ministry people followed at orchard, and then a pathetic excuse for a window shopping trip with my sister after dinner, and then i finally called it a day when we took a straight bus back.

A very productive day, i must say. Thank you Lord for the people around me and the experiences that are to come. I can't divulge too much about these things at the moment on this space, but man, i can so see all these issues in the distance coming towards me. I know the events to come might have very confusing polarized effects on me, but either way, i know i'm going to learn something.

Toodles for now. Wish i could blog more. I've got photos to share but haven't been able to sit down long enough before having to run off to tie more loose ends. Church, friends, keyboard stuff, personal admin matters, work. Plenty of avenues to keep me busy. While i enjoy the busy-ness (busy-ness keeps depression away!), i really hope to tone down for a week to have some peace and quiet.

*blinking my crusty eyelids*

It's only been the second day of work (full day) and i'm feeling the sad reality of what it's going to be like when i'm working for real, for the next 40 years of my existence. Oh, i'm working for a week, normal office hours, because i'm standing in for my colleague who's away.

I'm tired, and i've got to ensure that i rest early to get my good solid hours of sleep. One of the things that piss me off greatly is when i don't get enough sleep before something important the next day. Especially if the activity i have the next day isn't exactly something i do for leisure.

I now understand what it means to say "think happy thoughts, happy thoughts!". I've been doing that since last week to prepare myself mentally for this week. Squelching ANY bad thoughts and emotions, and replacing them blindly with every good thought i can muster to allow myself to be swallowed up by positivity. No space for feelings of dread and boredom!

But i thank God that i've been kept really busy these past two days. It helps make time feel as if its ticking on by real quick. Strangely, i enjoy rushing something (a document, presentation, assignment, etc) when the minutes seem like seconds before closing time.

I've been planning my weeks ahead, jotting down my schedule for december till about march. It's not complete but it'll fill up in time. I had promised myself that i would have a week for myself... But that has yet to come to past. Wish i had some time for solitude. To feel the expanse of space for my mind to expand and my being to just fully de-tense. But it's just been so busy.

So yeah, here's just my little wee update about nothing much, very simply written.

Anyway, my Miss Brunei is back for two weeks and it was so nice to be with her over last weekend. Ah, the late night girly talks with her and M was engaging and the time spent with them helped me understand some things better. We don't spend much time outside cell group time like this, and I wish we could have more talks like these, without worrying about the day after and other responsibilities and concerns.

Got to go, or i'll be digging my own grave. Good night.

I love and speak fondly of this school as much as i make mean jokes about it.
(HAHAHA, ok, weird comment but the honest truth nonetheless.) With a final video sweep that i made of the compound, i bid thee farewell. GMSS will be merging with Jin Tai Secondary and the new building will be located at West Coast.

You cannot imagine the amount of memories i have from spending 4 years of my early teenage life in this school. At every turn and corner, there will be a story to tell, a cue for a multitude of memories of what was done and felt in the past.

One of the saddest bits was not being able to access the band room, but i guess seeing my seniors and taking pictures with whoever we could "collect" was worth it.

People with whom i barely spoke with when i was still schooling there suddenly turned into buddies, as we smiled and greeted one another and caught up with the current ongoings. I noticed quite a lot of people from my batch as well as the ones who are at least 3 to 4 years my senior. And there were the hardcore ones, those who were students during the, 1970s and 1980s!

I kid you not.

Anyway, i just got back home from GMSS after an eventful morning and it's pouring, i'm hungry, and i've got to get ready for church now. Man, i owe lotsa people photos. Teehee. Don't worry guys! I've gotten everything downloaded and they'll be coming your way soon. ;-D

P.S.: Thanks Azlan, Jennifer, Daryl and Sijin for spending some time to yak with me, and much thanks to the other guys as well for just being that smiley, friendly enveloping bunch of friends that you are. You guys have a place in my heart even though we hardly see one another. I'm awfully proud of you ok!

some random pictures taken over this year

After sending my phone in for repair at a building opposite IMM, i decided to entertain myself with yet another "got-a-slight-inkling-but-don't-really-know-where-but-i'll-just-go-and-see-how" exploit.
So i took a short park connector walk and came face to face with an old railway track cum BRIDGE across a wide, wide canal. I could see the canal water moving in strong currents beneath me between the wooden planks as i carefully made my way across the bridge under the hot afternoon sun.


Ah, here we can see the old railway track cum bridge. Did you know that at one point, i totally had NO RAILINGS to hold on to for a couple of metres... It was darn scary can? Felt like i was doing a tightrope without a net underneath me.









Just an ordinary bicycle hor.













Eh, don't play play k. It is mercedes one hor.


















I first time see mercedes bicycle. I also wan.



















Wot's that? *peers at the sign on the scaffolding*


















Well, we all knew that, right. Yep. Anger is a dangerous thing.

My exam paper is done with. Don't get me started on what went wrong... I feel rotten but there's nothing else i can do except pray that it will not be as bad as i think it may be and it'll just be according to God's will for me.

Don't laugh, but i kinda feel a bit like a popped pimple right now. All the tension that was stored up over the semester and more so during the exam period has been released suddenly, which has ultimately left me feeling a little sore (in my head) and in raw shock. As much as it is pleasant that the holis are here, i'm still dazed and not quite adjusted to the fact that i'm now officially free till Jan/Feb.

That's how hard i've been working this semester, and i'm not afraid to admit it.

Still, freedom is sweet and i'm going to just lie back and savour my well earned rest.

There're a gabillion things to do! But i'm first going to spend some time with myself, in the quiet as well as in the storm of my own thoughts. I haven't been able to just be still, to have no worries and concerns at the back of my mind, to just be able to lie a little longer in bed without feeling a sense of urgency and desperation to begin the day early to accomplish undone school work.

I need a little time to collect my thoughts, collate all the things that i need and want to do both for others and myself. I'm looking forward to the busy schedule ahead, but before that kickstarts, let me drag my feet a little first won't you.

Which reminds me... Standard Chartered quarter marathon training is in order, and dang, i need to lose (more?) weight for close friend's wedding next year. I don't want to look like a ba zhang in pictures and I'm pretty sure they don't allow black dresses (to hide my flab) on bridesmaids. Boooo. :-(

It's a funky 2:52am now. About time to retune my sleeping patterns as well. Anyway, Ambrose if you're reading this, i'm gonna poke you soon.

Good night ya'll~.

It's that time of the year again. Yeah, the exam period. *snigger* If you didn't get it, it's ok. Lame, and wasn't all that funny.

Anyway, i'm feeling that same old "can't finish studying everything i need to. HOW?!" and i'll step into the exam hall with not much else apart from my pencil case, jacket, watch, water bottle and PLENTY OF HOPE FOR A MIRACLE. And hope, to continue hoping.

Nothing much to say, and i'd rather not spend time blogging too much at the mo. More when everything's over.

One thing's for sure: I need some alone time with myself to think after my exams, spending time with the company of myself. And sleep. Which goes without saying, really.

Drained: Mentally and emotionally, but not spiritually. Kind of in denial too. Close to giving up and not giving it my all, although i know that my being a stickler for perfection will not allow that.

Heeeeeeelllllllpppppppppp..........................................
.... mugging close to 10 hours a day is not fun.

*

Grandpa (from Malaysia) has moved on. And i can't even remember the last time i exchanged words with him or seen him in person.

My system is reeling. Head's giddy. My ears are hearing the world, muffled, by the temporary loss of the ability to pick up certain frequencies. The roots of my teeth are aching.

First it was the electric guitar. We all had to yell for the volume to be turned down. Then the drumset took over the electric guit.

I felt as though my ears were about to burst and bleed.

I had ear plugs on whenever i could use them which was really good, but had to remove them now and then to know what i was playing. (them change of keys! Rah...) And i really got killed man, i tell you. It's no fun standing next a highly utilized drumset in a sound proof room.

Feeling a bit ill now. :o(

***

I really wonder what goes on deep in the recesses of my grey matter. It's quite a wonder how that squishy bulby lump of pulp we call a brain is pretty much the mastermind of most of our functions. Some say our existence transcends that of the physical but that's another debate and discussion altogether.

So i would very much like to know what my brain does when i'm asleep, because for some unfathomable reason it has a tendency to make me dream of people who are no longer in my life. (as in, those who aren't actively interacting with me presently)

Recently, i dreamt of... meh. The-one-before. And the odd thing is that i don't think of the said person often. This isn't the first time of course, and in each dream, it's always like we're back as friends, on talking terms (we're not, at the moment), and friends who are well aware of the history we had before. It's all very strange. I'd be able to see his face very clearly, and the conversations we'd have are always logical, i.e. very undreamlike. So real at times, that i can even hear his voice, true to the genuine thing.

Then there's another person, our previous domestic helper who left due to very troubling circumstances. Every time i dream about her, it's always the same story: She returns to our home and wants to work for us again. Despite the problems that revealed themselves when she took off which left our family in shock, we'd always take her back in. And every time in my dream i would tell her, "You know, in my dreams, i've always dreamt that you'll come back."
And while i look at her as she sits speechless but glad to be back in her room, i inwardly feel as though everything is as it should be.

A dream in a dream, where in my dream i talk about my dream.

random

I got this off Nat's blog, it's funneh! I like the way the Japanese made fun of their iconic export. Check out this Nike advert.

***

$240 for a gym membership at ACJC for two years... with an additional $20 for processing fee. It sounds almost perfect until you do the math.

$10 per month. Now if i were to go to a Clubfit 4 times a month, it would cost me the same. Thing is, do i go to a Clubfit 4 times a week? No. So what makes me think that i'll go down to ACJC that many times as well? (given both the nearest Clubfit and ACJC gym is just one bus ride away)

The only thing about ACJC is that, i get to once again be in the familiar surroundings of my alma mata. I get to use the track and pool, in addition to the gym of course. I can also... pretend to be a student! I've always harboured thoughts of doing that. One day.... Eh, i still look 17 or 18 k? More importantly, my uniform still fits. *smug*ahem*

***

A person i recently got to know in class, after hearing me talk for a bit, said: "Hey, do you sing? After listening to you, i think i can imagine you sing. I think jazz. You've got a low voice. Yeah, maybe jazz."

I was stunned. Not only do i avoid singing to people other than myself (solitude lends me confidence, yo. hur.), it's also a long standing piece of information i tell everyone because it's the truth: That i don't sing. I croak.

And if i'm not croaking, i'm probably trying hard to hit higher notes and killing my brain in the process from the lack of oxygen.

While i might make noises that somewhat resembles the sound of singing, like a cross between whining and a trundling diesel lorry, everyone (my poor cell group) would probably be dying from the awful tone of my voice because i don't have strong or velvety vocals. (neither do any of my family members. hur hur.)

So, obviously, i'm no singa.

This weekend was sweet, because i knew my heavenly daddy has been speaking to me, assuring me of his promises despite some personal issues, through some people over the last two days during cell group and service.

And what he's been saying is gently probing me in my current state of inertia and lukewarmness. Not that i feel disconnected or disappointed in God, but rather it's me who's decided to not call him as often and so it's a bit like:
"Hi dad, yes, good morning, thanks for the new day! I love it, thanks for the food, i know you're here with me..." And that's it. No communion time.

So yes, because of this "distance" i created, i recently have felt as though it's obvious that God wouldn't want to care too much about me or assure me anymore of his love and forgiveness, especially when i have faltered here and there.
But of course that is rubbersquash because he lives for this very reason: To give hope, love, life and acceptance to all sinners who come to him.

As you can see, it's quite nonsensical to think that he wouldn't accept me (or anyone else for that matter) anymore, because it's his very perfect nature to receive and love the broken.

(Excuse me while i laugh at my silliness and enjoy my epiphany. Teehee.)

***

Very briefly, during cell group worship time, a word was released that God is there to and will forgive those of us who have sinned and all we needed to do is just lay them down and let him do the rest. It was as though it was the most important word for the night. And well, it was the only one that night during worship.

Just before that word was given, right where i was, i was reminded of some things, and that i was sinner... And deep down inside my heart and mind, i needed to know that God will forgive and has forgiven me. Yeah, so i felt really blessed and i smiled to myself, thinking "Thank You Lord". :-)

Topic for cell that night was on "Love".

*

Lo and behold, very much of what was stressed during worship time during service and before the communion took place was "Love". O.O

We were told to pair up with someone and think about the first thing/ask God for something that represents Love. (which very coincidentally was not similar but pretty much close to what we did during cell the previus night)

A few things and objects ran through my mind. Pretty cliche stuff, but then i recalled a friend telling me how the "home cooked meal" that she gets to eat is like an expression of love by the person who prepared the food. Somehow, this concept stuck quite strongly and i thought, "Ok, this will be it."

I shared this with my impromptu partner, P.
(Note: P is someone i know by name, but not very well.)

Why did you pick "Home cooked meal?" P inquired of me. I thought she was asking because it sounded quite absurd. (it did, to me at least)

"Well, because... The food that's prepared is like someone preparing it out of love and care... And the meal brings people together so that they can come together to fellowship and bond."
("Family that eats together stays together".)

To tell you the truth, i was close to bursting into tears. I felt my throat tighten, my voice crack and waver and felt tears welling up in my eyes. Good thing i was done before the niagara falls opened shop.

Usually when that happens (overwhelming urge to cry, not just tearing, while talking), i surprise even myself. It's as if i can't even anticipate how i'm going to react and that the way i react is way out of my control. I mean, usually you would be able to acknowledge that you feel a certain emotion before reacting. Eg. Anger before losing your temper, Sadness and Hurt before crying.

When i was done, P said, "Very strange that you said 'home cooked meal', because... (then she tells me about a certain family member.)"

Wow. I'm blown away. :-) Like, what seemed like a random thought (though it did stick once i thought of it) was applicable to her personally. Not so random after all. *knowing smile*

Her image for me was of a ring, adorned with a ruby that signified "precious" and a diamond that meant "committment". In God's eyes, i'm precious and his love is unconditional and everlasting. :-)

Usually when the neighbours have guests, i'd still let Jed be, that is: run around and bark as he pleases, because i know that he'd eventually calm down from his security guard antics and settle down to sleep in one of our rooms.

Today the neighbour's daughter has some friend (friends?) over and because of the frequent ins and outs, i decided keeping Jed behind a door inside the guest room to keep him from barking was a good idea to save both the neighbours and my ears from rupturing.

Ironically as i'm studying, Jed's silent behind the door and the neighbour and her friends... Well let me put it this way. If i didn't know any better, i'd have thought that they were practising some kind of post Halloween rituals on one another.

Can you blame me? They're talking so loudly at a constant level, oh and throw in some tragically high volume punctuating yells, raucous laughter, shrieks and bloodcurdling screams. It's quite fascinating, really.

If only i could tape down their contributions to the noise sound waves so you could hear.

I'm not complaining though, it's not often that my neighbour has her girly get togethers, and those are just pure fun. Bloodcurdling screams and all.

Er... I should know.

Jem and Joy did this, and since i never really do memes i'll try one for fun.

1) How old do you wish you were?
40 and being a great mom.

2) Where were you when 9/11 happened?
At my computer doing goodness knows what.

3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Prod endlessly at the coin return till something happens. If not, put in another coin if i'm feeling rich and adventurous or do nothing and walk away muttering.

4) Do you count yourself kind?
Not always.

5) If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
on my right upper arm, and work those muscles yo!

6) If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Spanish, Mandarin, some dialect and some other non-word i.e sound based ones. Oh, it didn't say "languageS". ok, fine. i think Japanese will be it.

7) Do you know your neighbors?
Sort of. More of the granny than anyone else. She never fails to ask if i've eaten dinner yet. :-)

8) What do you consider a vacation?
When i get undisturbed stretches of time to do whatever i please at my own time and pace.

9) Do you follow your horoscope?
I read for fun then forget it a second later.

10) Would you move for the person you loved?
*drums fingers* Move my stuff from the chair so he can sit?

11) Are you touchy feely?
Not really, but i try when i know that it may convey comfort or friendliness to someone.

12) Do you believe that opposites attract?
Bleah these general questions that put my simple brain into overdrive! I'm attracted to both nice perfume and gross century eggs. How?

13) Dream job?
Observe people, think and comment, and drink cool drinks and eat steak at a roadside cafe. Hey, you never said i couldn't get paid to do that.

14) Favorite channel(s)?
Animal Planet. But i don't usually watch tv anyways unless there's something on that i like.

15) Favorite place to go on weekends?
The dog run, have my cell mates come over to my home, or somewhere where i can go sky gazing.

16) Showers or Baths?
Both leh.

17) Do you paint your nails?
When i feel like it, which is rare.

18) Do you trust people easily?
No.

19) What are your phobias?
Having a policeman call to say that there's been an identified body...

20) Do you want kids?
Oh yes. But i'll need to look at a catalogue first.

21) Do you keep a handwritten journal?
Essential stuff!

22) Where would you rather be right now?
At home eating oyster omelette with chilli. Dang, i'm salivating now.

23) Who makes you feel warm and fuzzy?
That welsh corgi puppy i saw on cuteoverload. After feeling warm and fuzzy, i wanted to just squeeze the little chap to death.

24) Heavy or light sleeper?
Heavy. Very. Heavy.

25) Are you paranoid?
Yes.

26) Are you impatient?
Yuh man!

27) Who can you relate to?
Sister, Gem. And other folks who think nothing about times when i need pee, excrete, fart or burp.

28) How do you feel about interracial couples?
Perfectly fine and dandy.

29) Have you been burned by love?
Think it wasn't really love.

30) What's your favorite pick-up line?
...

31) What's your main ring tone on your mobile?
"Ding, dong, ding! You have a call!"

32) What were you doing at midnight last night?
Essaying. Hum dee hum.

33) What did the last text on your cellphone say?
Something rather pious sounding leh.

34) Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
My beanie bag!

35) What color shirt are you wearing?
White with the text "EA Play" on it. I like it for some weird reason.

36) Most recent movie you watched?
The Da Vinci Code on DVD, and i fell asleep. B-(

37) Name three things you have on you at all times?
Bacteria, facial oil and glasses.

38) What color are your bed sheets?
while with flowers. EW. I would like to hop down to IKEA for some funkier ones.

39) How much cash do you have on you right now?
I not rich lah... 10 buckeroos and spare change.

40) What is your favorite part of the chicken?
Wing and chest!

41) What's your favorite town/city?
Haven't travelled enough to have a favourite. If you must know, it's gotta be somewhere with open skies and beaches.

42) I can't wait till...
Er, i might scare you all off with this one...

43) What did you have for dinner last night?
Rice boiled by me that went ALL wrong (think "kuey-like" chewy rice), steamed egg, broccoli and chicken.

44) How tall are you barefoot?
1.59cm. But people say i look taller than that le, does that count? *hopeful*

45) Do you own a gun?
Nope, but i do have a compound bow. I miss shooting outdoors.

46) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
I is Milo person.

47) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
Er, Singapore. Yuh.

48) Last thing you ate?
Salad.

49) What songs do you sing in the shower?
Prolly some worship song or whatever's playing on the media player, usually Corrinne May.

50) Last thing that made you laugh?
"The archers are winning" (the thing i think gem was describing that was causing the sharp pain in my chest)

51) Worst injury you've ever had?
Can't think of any but there's a funny one:
The time when an almost full glass bottle of ribena syrup fell onto my toe, and a guy friend thought that my toe turned purple because of the syrup colouring and not because of the impact. D'oh!

52) Does someone have a crush on you?
Keanu Reeves? Is it Keanu Reeves?! If so, then I'LL MOVE FOR YOU!!!! (question 10)
Just kidding my gem...

53) What's your favorite candy?
Eh, don't eat much of that stuff. Kinder Bueno rocks though. ;-)

54) What song do you want played at your funeral?
Actually, i want a party to be held when i die. So, anything that's not sad.

55) Five random people to do this! and why?
I too lazy to think le, anyone who thinks they've got time on their hands. And tell me once it's done!!!

One of my favourite times are always when the cell mates come over... Eat, sing song, laugh, talk, make music. It's always a pleasure to have them around. But this saturday (today)... *rubs palms* We're going to have something extra.

Board Games Night! Who's GAME?! (pun intended)
Ok, technically, we've only got one board game, because thanks to C, we've got Balderdash! Seems like Taboo and Balderdash are staples for the youth in my church. Don't know why also. *shrug*

So far, we've got Taboo, Balderdash, Uno, and er... poker cards.

I cannooooot wait! fun fun fun fun fun...

Ok, me go do lab report now.

*skips off*

Mentally, i'm tired. Tired of doing assignments that come at me non stop, tired of having to always be worried about when i can finish an essay, whether i'll have time to engage the next one and do well for it. I'm so tired that i've gone into a premature holiday frame of mind. Please God, fish me out from this, because if i'm going to continue wallowing happily in my cool mud patch under the bright cheery sun, i'm doing to die a very horrible sunstroke death.

What i would give, short of paying someone to do my report for me, to begin studying for my exam paper. Yes, i'm begging to be allowed to study.

For once to be able to be free from sitting in front of my computer screen, having my mind split into two, with one side pleading with the other to get down to business while the other side (the slacker side) of my brain makes monkey faces at the serious side.

I've already decided to sacrifice my band jamming session tomorrow just so that i can buy more time for this lab report that's equivalent to a module examination.

On a brighter note, for the first time i actually got to play the first keys (not my usual synthesizer, a.k.a the second keys) during a congregational (overnight: 11+pm to 6am) prayer meeting. Well, of course i didn't play for the whole slot (2am to 4:50am) during which my band was on. I only took over when the first keys player went to take a break.

But in that short span of time when i got my go, i had the experience of having to play the musical backdrop while the congregation mass prayed, and also had the experience of playing while a lone person went up to the front to lead the congregation in prayer. And get this: On my own, without any guitar backup, synthesizer or anyone! I was like: HUH?! WAH?! Er... Ok, i'll JUST DO IT.

Verdict:

1. Being thrown cold into a situation like that really made me face the "musician's stage fright". The only experience i've ever got playing in front of people/public is:
Either playing the synthesizer during service OR, leisurely playing the acoustic piano at home.

2.
FUN! I'm actually new to the synthesizer (but i play it because it's the role my worship leader assigned me to), so to finally play the first keys, something i'm more trained to do, was just so liberating and scary all at the same time.

FUN! To learn to listen to the voice tone, volume and even words used by the speaker to determine what exactly would be suitable to play as well as how loud or soft. Not forgetting to be sensitive to the moment(s) and play accordingly.

3. Didn't think i did bad. But i've got more to learn if i ever want to be a permanent first keys player. For now, the synthesizer is all my current level of brain-fingers dexterity can handle. Sadly. Boo.
Note: It's not that i think that the synthesizer is any less of an instrument (though i used to think that way... Honest!) but it's just that for all my life i've been playing the piano and figured that it's only useful that i make good use of the skills learnt over the years and the money spent on getting the training. That said, i believe that playing the synthesizer is what i should be doing at this point in time.

Still, i was grateful to be given that small window of time, and i made sure that my pastor knew how i felt. Because in those moments, i was blessed with the opportunity to have some sort of summary of what playing the first keys is like. Furthermore, i felt encouraged by my band mates and pastor who gave me their approval. I'm not saying that i really did well, but personally it meant something to me that they noticed and approached me with such kind and sincere words. :-)

I'd love to have a studio in my home, like a cell mate of mine. Gah! Her home is so musician-friendly, it's unreal... Wouldn't it be gorgeous if i could own a sound proof studio equipped with amps, cables, keyboards, guitars (acoustic, electric and bass) and mics and drums. *drool*

I decided to take a look at my collection of drafts and i was quite taken aback to discover that my own voice was shushed by my own censorship board, resulting in drafts written and stashed away in cold storage for as long as 2 years.

For the fun of it, i shall pluck some of them out (never before published), modify it here and there and publish them. I kinda wash my hands off some of these old posts' stances because they were written at a time when the mind was going through a different stage altogether.

***

20th May, 2005.

It feels a little strange. Ok fine, i agree that even the plainest, most OBVIOUS things in life amaze me. And to everyone else, it's: duh.

It makes me feel oddish inside how when a universe constructed by two people in love can become utterly and completely shattered and destroyed. And then comes along the next significant other who you begin to build a new universe with.

You know... how a "universe" can be so self sufficient, with everything you could need and want inside it. But when the time comes when it becomes dissipated molecules, everything special you had with the person "no longer exists". Meaning, it should exist only as memories/lessons/etc, but it shouldn't be something you dwell and harp on emotionally and psychologically like it is all you ever know or think about or live for. Neither should it be the place where you run back to to seek solace. It is no more, we live in the present, so get a grip.

And when a new person steps in, it feels as if the newcomer is intruding into that shattered universe, looking around and picking up the pieces and trying to fix it together, but infusing a whole new twist to it. Personalized to create something new, and "adulterated", although that really IS a normal next thing to happen.
But it feels like, "snatching". You know... like something bad.

Feels as if you're doing a very nasty injustice to the other party of the shattered universe.

But i'm just saying. So yeah.

Having been born into and brought up in a Christian family for all these years, going to sunday school and now attending cell group and serving in church and all... it's a big shame that i've not read the bible once through cover to cover. I'm not saying that length of time is equivalent to how many times i've read the bible or how well i know it.

But when i bring that up, i'm saying that i realize that at some point along the way, surely i should have been convicted to read it because the simple truth is that it's God's word, and if i really do love God, i'd be hungry in my soul to know, to learn, to do, be and to live.

Being completely honest with myself, my confession is that i've never felt an urgency to read it because i was too tired and jaded to read a book that although looks deceivingly small (at least my NKJ version looks small), it's filled to the brim with tiny words all compressed together in a brain numbing lump... What with the selection of stories of certain individuals and empires in history, and a lot of other bizarre events.

The devotional (a guide book that brings one through verses and to learn lessons) that i was also using for years didn't really give what i was "assigned" to read for that day much meaning, as each day's "lesson" was so distant to me, too deep, too shallow, too fleeting. I saw it all as mundane, excruciating, boring, impersonal.

My walk was often a tiring mountainous one, with sudden high and lows. It was soaring and dipping too much that it became painfully difficult for me to handle: Heartbreaks would happen all too often. I often reached peaks that never lasted and that i knew would not, and those expected times when i crashed and burned, turning my face away angrily, becoming cynical and bitter.

I'm not sure if i've mentioned this in the blog, but i've mentioned this to close ones:

Things have since changed because i've learnt, that the walk isn't meant to be that way. We don't run on emotions, signs and wonders. We run on faith, trusting in and living out God's word.

Life may be the one that throws us around pretty rough, but it is the walk that remains constant, a steady and stable trek. Our walks can only get better when we keep persisting and pursuing. God already promised never to leave us, so it dwindles only when we choose to allow it.

Assimilating this understanding through ministry and my own experience, i have come to finally receive a sense of peace and confidence in God. It feels as if a code has been broken, and that i've gained a precious treasure that i now possess. It settles deep inside my being for safe keeping, and for good. And because of that, i've come to learn about and experience God in ways that i could never have done in the past.

And so, I no longer doubt like i used to. That was one of biggest barriers in my walk, and it has now been overcome. If you were to throw me intellectual debates about my faith, i'll be honest and say that i can't answer nor account for all of history's controversies and questions about God and his ways. (I don't like theorizing on God's behalf and spreading what i think is true.) But yet, i know that my faith in Christ Jesus, in God, will not be shaken.

I wonder if God's trying to gently tell me something at the moment...

For months (it began somewhere at the beginning of this year), i've been having something tell me that i need to read the bible once through. I wouldn't say that "duty" is the motivation, rather it feels more like a gentle but persistent beckoning.

I've not heeded this feeling, and while it has not exactly escalated through the months into a jo-you-better-do-this-right-now threat, i've now begun to feel a sense of holey (or "holy"? haha...) emptiness borne out of an unmet desire and yearning. I'm actually... Beginning to feel an additional WANT, a DESIRE, an INTEREST in reading that wordy book. (new king james version leh. *gulp* Think i'll read my new international version student's bible instead)

I find this all very intriguing because for those of you who know me, you'll know that i don't like reading very much since the days when academic reading killed my patience for reading.

During the times when i open my bible to the new testament, i would encounter the words in red ink (the words that Jesus spoke personally) and find that i hang onto every word he says and delight very much in them all. Not that EVERYTHING he says convicts my soul and breaks me down into tears like some rhema effect thingy but it's more like he's speaking out to me, and to us all, transcending space, time and history with his loving (and sometimes loving rebuke) words that are still refreshingly relevant and filled with wisdom and truth.

I guess this is going to be a new phase i'll be going through, for God to mature me and my walk with him, to teach me stuff. I had better listen and obey. So exciting... :-D

As the bible says, God will continue to mould those of us who love and live for him into the person he wants us to be and he will complete the good work that he chose to begin. Isn't that just beautiful? He cares about tiny little beings like you and me among the billions. In fact, he cares for every little one that make up the billions. :-) Sweet.

Jed's dog run trip, my first dog run trip.

My current toilet book (heh) is The Da Vinci Code... I can't say very much about it yet content wise, but this i can say: Reading fiction books is suddenly a very alien concept to me.

I began reading the first page and the immediate thought that hit me was: How come the writing is so easy to read? Why is it so descriptive? Why are the words and sentence structure so easy to understand?

*sigh* Yes, academic textbooks have been the only reading i've been engaging with for a long time so much so that my mind has been conditioned to accept unpleasant complexity/difficulty as part of the whole experience of reading.

Which is rather sad because it killed my love for reading, a lovely pastime and luxury i had since i was a kid who devoured Enid Blyton and Judy Blume books like a locust attack and then moved on to savour science fiction books.

***

24th September, 2006. Finally, a perfect, rainless sunday afternoon.

Woo? Wot's in there?

It's me! JED! I wonder where they're taking me... I hope no more doctor's visits and jabs in my butt. But i'm happy! I'm going OUT of the housee! *AHROOOO!!!* And if you look closely, you can see a bit of my smile! *toothy grin*

Mommeee? What do i do? I'm off the leash, you mean like for real?

Hm... You big, handsome siberian husky. *sniff?*

(Jo says: Oh, this dude saw a piece of food in my hand that was meant for Jed and he sat before me like i was God.)

Doing the Dogwalk.

*Sigh...* I'm just so contented and it's such a beautiful day to run free. *toothy doggy smile*

Thanks Mommies.

(Jo says: This german shepard was walking all regal and stately beside its owners on a leash, but i PROMISE it was looking at all the other dogs with this look in its eyes: Food. Morsels. All. Of. Them. I. Want. To. Get. Some.)
But looks like a little guy got to check him out under there first. Hmmmm...

(Jo says: Just one of the many visitor dogs that would come by to say hello to my sister and i. (sister's leg and elbow)

( Jo says: Oh, and while i was sitting on a log, this dude kept coming by to butt his head against me and lie down on the grass against my legs. Sweet furry pooch.)

(Jo says: Since he was such a cute fella and the other dogs were too busy socializing, i gave Mr Golden Retriever a piece of beef jerky. The piece was too small (it was meant for small dogs like Jed) but Mr Golden Retriever lapped it up eagerly from my hand and it promptly slipped out again from its mouth and fell onto my knee in a sad slobbery lump.)
The photo's a bit dark because i took it when it was fast approaching night time. Yes, i forgot the night mode function. -.-"

(Jo says: Pretty picture i got of the log i was sitting on and its fungus friend.)

unfeeling

I was reading the postcard sized messages on PostSecret, and came across this one that speaks of something i would dearly love to experience too. It goes along the lines of "One thing good about getting old is that you no longer care about what others think of you. I am free!"

If i were to compare where i am now on a continuum? I'd say i'm still a teenager in this respect.

***

13th of September, 2006.

As i'm typing my stuff, i'm aware of the slight lack of feeling in the tip of my left middle finger and often times i would turn up my palm and inspect my fingers. The skin on the tips of my left fingers other than my thumb are kind of chewed up looking, with the skin at different stages of peeling. Every time one layer comes off and new skin is revealed, it wouldn't be long till the new skin turns hard again and begs to be peeled off. My fingers have accustomed themselves to this cycle.

Funny how you need to have little or no feeling or sensation to do something better, to negotiate a job more efficiently. I'm talking about playing the guitar of course.

But as humans, have we consciously or unconsciously practiced a form of emotionlessness like this to view our world, our work, the people around us, our pain, just so that we can remain sane, to function at our optimums to get past as unscathed as possible in our life's journey?

It serves a good survival function but does that make us look ugly and chewed up as well? (i know i said unscathed earlier, but you get what i mean.)

Perhaps at an operational level, most of us can allow ourselves to feel only so much lest we become overly disillusioned. (Another question: Is there anything to be disillusioned about firstly?) So you might say that this's a necessary form of protection. Maybe.

But even if my finger tips are now hardened and immuned to the pain that once made me wince, my soul tingles with pleasure as i strum and savour the rich notes that rise from the resonance of string and guitar.

I suppose we'll still go about the hum drum of this life because we cannot control everything there is. But maybe, just maybe, when the time and season is ripe, we can choose to put down our reasons and rationalizations, our fears and pain, our insecurities and vulnerability, to let a side of us open up to breathe, to soften, to appreciate, to think, to do.

A note to you my friend(s):

I'm not saying that you're guilty, but i just want you to know that i've noticed something(s) and i'll be very, very watchful. Because if you step out of line, or show signs of tethering dangerously near the line, you're going to be confronted by me. I may be blur, but there're some things that even the antenna of the blur queen can pick up. I do this not because i like to dish out righteous advice, but i do this because i care.

***

I just looked through my classmate's Friendster page where he updated his photo gallery. WEDDING PICS!!! OH! OH! OOHH!!! Fun! My head went all glucose filled... You could see that it was such a beautifully joyous occasion, with everyone's face just glowing radiantly! Must be the contagious elation passing around. If i can coo (madly) over just a few pictures of the wedding of new friends (from school), i cannot even begin to imagine what havoc or hyperventilation i might end up creating or having on FSH's wedding/ROM day. Which is like, early next year?

I can feel myself already getting excited, like there're a hundred jumping beans doing a vigorous workout in my chest.

Oh yeah, need to lose some flab to fit into a nice dress on that day, eh. Bah... Or i could wear a suit. Hmmm...

Which reminds me. I've got the 10km to run in december and the stamina i've built up over several months is now GONE, and only within just 2 months! This is so not fair.

*FSH: a very dear JC friend of mine.

Seriously, this doesn't sound too shabby for an intimately eerie yet tender movie scene soundtrack i'm telling ya. Look at the kitten go! I've got to learn the chords to that... Of course it helps that the little dude is an absolutely delightful little fluffball of a gorgeous thing. Loook at its ffaacceeee... ARGH! *snorgle* (in CuteOverload speak, that would mean, "nuzzle")

I'm sure you might've seen this video already, the song that Hossan Leong sang during the meeting called IndigNATION, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWmLAui6OOw

It's a song sung to the tune of "We didn't start the fire" and the lyrics are a very compressed, succinct and humourous take on some of Singapore's most memorable events and some famous people who've become, at some point, quite a figure for heated discussion in our country's history so far.

My dad sent me this link through an email. Wait. My DAD sent me this?! What's daddy doing watching YouTube, er, or following Mr Brown's posts!? Oh, and he did say that he also listened to Mr Brown's IMF podcast, the one where they made a parody of the 4 million smiles campaign.

Wah, my daddy so hip.

Ok, i've grown bored of the lack of posts. Heh heh. So...

So much has occurred over the last week or so, but i've been busy with school work, work related stuff and cell group activities. I also had a really nice surprise that made me go all excitable and screamy and nuts on saturday (Like, hello diTz! the round about relations, who-knows-who is so cool).
Many cumulated thoughts have clogged up my brain but i'm too lazy to sort them out and i'm also in sweet denial about how much time i have left to complete my last essay for the social psych module. (it's not the end yet, i still have stuff to complete for biological psych.)

Two things:

Thanks be to GOD for another nice grade for the latest social psych essay! Remember the one i said that i was: "dealing with macro sociological perspectives (i major in psychology, the last time i checked) which the textbook doesn't exactly explicitly cover and this time i had to complete it in ONE WEEK (i usually take 2 whole weeks to finish an essay) and i had to read the whole textbook and more, to do that one essay."
I aced it, and better still, i aced it better than the first essay which i spent two weeks on. Whao. I couldn't have done it without God.

And, a happy 3rd birthday to my blog. MUAH HAHAHA~! As i've always said: To more years of collecting more trash, my lovely Vacuum! I lub you.

Ok, i SO need to do a gabillion things. I'll catch you later, meanwhile, take good care. :-)

***

Three weddings. Three. Two of the weddings involve peers (girl friends) and the other is an ex-classmate who's older than me but also in her 20s and her husband's my classmate.

As much as they are happy occasions where i go all awww-ish and all, i'm also filled with a concoction of rather odd emotions...
Life is moving fast. Too fast. For me, or for the friends in question? Probably and easily both.

Get used to it, jo.
But. It. Just. Feels. Weird.

i'm not posting anything new yet (apart from this informational one) because i'm waiting for a particular photo to be taken, and to be published for the specific date: 24th of september.

and boy! do i have a ton of photos i want to share with you. :-)

***

I've been feeling really prickly, really easily irritated, restless, snappy, short tempered. Whiny, annoyed, unfriendly, anti-social, mean. In essence, a very very mean pufferfish, but nowhere near as cute as the real fish.

Time to sit still for a while, to calm myself down, and focus my eyes and heart upon God. It's definitely not a good time for me to talk extensively to anyone unless i deliberately want to lose friends.

Two of my fingers looks like they've been zombified, i.e, turned purple and looks dead. Hur, hur. I love playing the guitar but i need to learn more chords and keep working on my chord changing fingers. Too slow leh, like an ah um and i fumble ever so often. And then hor, my strumming arm sometimes spasms or rigour motis-fies so i end up playing some rather uneven sounding rhythm. HeeheeHo.

I must really thank God for the encouragement he gave me through the first essay for this sem. Remember that horrible first-few-weeks experience (when i knew nothing about academic expectations) that somehow made me crumble into a teary mess? I topped the class for that assignment. Wheeeee! Thanks Daddy in Heaven and all who were there to give encouragement. :-D

The next social psych essay that i just handed up wasn't a piece of cheese cake either because it was dealing with macro sociological perspectives (i major in psychology, the last time i checked) which the textbook doesn't exactly explicitly cover and this time i had to complete it in ONE WEEK (i usually take 2 whole weeks to finish an essay) and i had to read the whole textbook and more, to do that one essay.

During tutorial today, we were told that 2 people hit the 80 or 80+ mark, and 4 people hit the 70 or 70+ mark for the latest assignment. I'm hoping that i'll be able to sustain the grade or do better especially after seeking and taking my tutor's advice, desperately wringing my brain of all its remaining juices over concepts i've never heard of before, relying on the Lord and somehow knowing and believing that i'll be able to make it. I'll be hopeful, but i'm trying not to expect it as if it is a given by default.

I am two people

A sentimental, who shuns being sentimental.
An emo freak, who thrives on being aloof.
A romantic, who shys away from mush.
A seeker of happiness, who often falls into melancholy.
Contented, yet jealous.
Can afford to put in the effort, but leans back expecting the world to be given.
A heart that longs to help others, but is yet hardened with anger and pain.
A bearer of the soul, who hides for fear of rejection.
Probably thinks too much, but thinks too little.

I could go on and on... But i'm busy, not free.

(A 1000 word essay to be done by today and plonked into a mailbox across the island in Simei, by TODAY. Haven't typed a word yet... Cheer me on, will you.)

During dinner, my cell mates and i were just talking about experiencing (scary) supernatural events.

And so it is that I returned home to a pitch dark and quiet house, all alone except for the dog who's sleeping in another room now (i'd feel better if he'd come over to my room instead) and i could not help but felt an eerie sense that i might encounter something unhealthy for my sanity.

(i'm not going to type out the stuff that's going through my over active mind right now, i don't fancy scaring you)

But i know that as a Christian, i have nothing to fear because the Lord is with me and He is a lot greater than all the evil spirits put together! Somebody say AMEN! In the last few months, i've been grappling with the concept that as a child of God, i've got authority in Christ Jesus, and i'm beginning to see that when we acknowledge that, we are able to witness the significance of the Christian walk and influence that we can have.

Before taking a shower, i turned up the radio up real loud with Don Moen singing "Hiding Place", and i began to sing the words, thanking the Lord for indeed being my hiding place, that i can run to Him whenever i am afraid and weak. And that just chased a great deal of my fear away... But i think that the human mind is a very powerful thing and we need to really keep the word and promises of God close to our hearts and to guard our minds from the evil one's lies.

uh oh.

There's something about breaking one of mommy's porcelain bowls that makes you feel like you've been a very, very bad little girl. *gulp*

It hit me yesterday, about how nice it actually is that physical beauty is fleeting.

Think i'll go chew on this till i got more to say.

Sometimes, there are just too many voices going off in this little skull of mine, and sometimes there're none. Silence.
Overall, i'm the only one among my closer circle of friends who blogs almost every other day... I quite enjoy it, airing all my blabberings, as meaningless as they can be. I suppose i just have too much to spout and i cannot keep doing that to my sister because she'll most likely throw her fan at me the second i step into her room for the 1000th time.

And then now i realize... when was the last time i felt like i had a really good conversation? And this isn't defined by whether both parties get to say what they want to say even if they were able to share some of their personal issues. But it's more of a presence of an intimate bond, a level of comfort and trust in the sharing and friendship, that the people who are conversing are able to feel it and fearlessly testify to. Where they know they won't be misunderstood or judged or feel bewildered when either one needs to cry, or when touch is given to express comfort and care. I can't remember when was the last time i had any meaningful girl time with a friend or friends. Everyone is busy. That kind of bond takes time, a special kind of understanding and chemistry. So i blog.

Lately, i've been banking in so many drafts into blogger but i haven't the time to refine them a little into something readable yet. But i continue to blog.

My mom calls blogging time robbers. In a way, she is right. But if i don't publish the incessant chattering, my mind wanders about, like 50 frenzied houseflies, more than what's good for me. So i blog.

This might probably become one of those posts that i'll let sit for a few hours before i take it down again and pretend i never said anything. A bit pointless right? But i will blog this anyway.

Absolutely ATROCIOUS behaviour. Disgusting. Downright DISRESPECTFUL AND RUDE! Check out this post written by Ci'en, called "Strange, But True", written on the 8th of Sept. I don't think i'll provide the post's link in case she wouldn't approve (although she's my sister's friend) so here's her blog URL: www.wurh.com

This is a perfect situation to glean some of the embedded rules, expectations, meanings, representations present in an individual, individuals and society, if you social psych people want some practice.

There's something about one factor though... The alcohol. Hhhmmm...

Blogger Beta sounds to delectable, doesn't it. Uhm... Oh, and talking about delectable? I wanted to ask you guys about this:

Ok, do forgive that 2/3 eaten one. Have a look at the one on the right. An initiative family member did the honour of slicing it up nicely, so try to imagine it without the horizontal lines.

Mom came home one day and she proclaimed: "My patient gave me piglets! I had 4 boxes, and you all don't eat one right... So i gave away 2 boxes."

I was like: Excuse me? PIGLETS?

So i stripped off the two rubber bands that held the box shut, and flipped open the cardboard cover to find these weird hamster like looking objects (from a plan view).

"Piglets?" I asked mom, in a tone that suggested that she must be very mistaken about the piglet part.
"They don't look like piglets meh?" she replies.

The only feature that this thing has that resembles a piglet in any way is that it has two holes punched into it on one end. Perhaps they were suppose to be the eyes or the piggy snout or something.

But all that suspicion disappeared in a flash when i took a piece of "piglet". It was HEAVEN. Er, i mean, it was a mooncake but the pastry was sooooo soft, crumbly and tasty, and the filling was an excellent flavourful accompaniment. The paste isn't as smooth as some other kinds of mooncake fillings, but the overall experience more than compensates.

I know that i'm as suaku as suaku (suaku: like a mountain tortoise) gets, so i was wondering if these were actually very normal, traditional types of mooncake festival delicacies. I do remember having heard some people say that their mooncake festivals are never complete without the "piglets". Is this what they were referring to?

It was so good that i had to find out where they were brought from, but to my dismay... They were all the way from Malaysia. Sadness. :-(

But *slurp!* Enjoy it while it lasts!

Although some of you might not agree with his shows and the way he conducts himself on international television, for me it's really upsetting to know that Steve Irwin, the "Crocodile Hunter" has died in an accident while filming his latest documentary in Australia.

I don't watch his shows but somehow i feel grief over his passing. I guess it's because i'm used to seeing him on telly as the big Australian television personality with his big Australian accent, in that characteristically loud and enthusiastic manner in which he brings to you his passion for wildlife and the environment.

You'd always believe that people like him would live on for many more years, making more documentaries that will air regularly and almost ritually on the telly, on Discovery, on Animal Planet, and that he would see his kids grow up to be just like him - fearless but respectful of the wild and God's creation. You'd think that he'll one day be just like the other legends in this field like Jane Goodall and David Attenborough, people who've lived their lives studying nature and educating the world of the wonders of it.

A sad day, but we all know that Steve Irwin died doing what he loved most.

"Language is a medium for communication... but it does not come just as a product of relationships but is also formed as a result of relationships..."

"DING DONG-NG-NG..." The doorbell chimed. *Cue mad dashing around the house* Ahem, home wear isn't the most decent, you know? So, Thinks: Who's that? Peers through the peephole: Postman. That can only mean one thing. THREADLESS TEES ARE HERE! Presenting, freshly arrived and un-ironed.


Fossil Fuel, by Graham Dobson.

















Happy Hospital, by Yoann Plard.



















Obi Wan Kerisst, by Jens K Styve.

Now that this tee has arrived, i'm wondering if this tee will go unworn in public... Will i get some religious people pulling me aside to issue a warning, or will i get into trouble with the law or something. You know how particular our gahmen is about maintaining "religious harmony", especially with the recent controversial madness over cartoon drawings of certain religious icons.

Personally, when i saw this tee the only words that jumped out at me was: Jesus, my Hero/Saviour. Of course, not without a touch of humour.
Ok, i admit the former (the "Hero" bit) was utterly cheesy but in all honesty, that's the message i'm getting.



This leaves me with three questions:
1. Are my thoughts and worries unfounded and i should just go ahead and wear it... Big deal.
2. The fact that i'm actually worrying over a t-shirt design in relation to the society i'm living in spells something, doesn't it? The want for free expression comes with... fear?
3. Or is it genuinely a serious issue?

Ok, all this sounds a little silly... But, what do you think?