My mind (or is it more than that, i wonder.) has the funniest way with me sometimes.

After the fireworks display at Marina Bay yesterday night, the bridge that links the One Fullerton with the Esplanade became a tight "road" for two-way human traffic. The squeeze was really maddening (having God on my mind to keep me from thinking bad, negative thoughts really works) and my cell mates, another friend and i found ourselves being jostled along one "lane" towards the Esplanade.

I was pretty much minding my own business as i made my way, trying to make sure that i wasn't going to step on kids that were too short to see, step on shoes or kick anyone's heels. (I was also wondering if my hair stank, and if my friend behind me was secretly choking to death.)

Then somewhere along the way, this thought entered my mind and appealed to my conscious decision making processes: "Look to the left (where people were facing my direction as they made their way toward One Fullerton) 'cos i think i might see someone i know."

Lo and behold. Waddaya know.

About half a minute later, a familiar face i knew popped up from the linear mass of unrecognizable people. DAYANA!
We were so excited over seeing one another (the odds!), but noting as how we couldn't stop to talk, we had to keep moving on and away.

I related this to my sister who then asked me: "Did you dream of me winning one billion dollars?"

-.-"

I'm always having these weird, "coincidental", mind experiences. It's been more than once when particular thoughts would echo in my mind (and/or heart) and then something related to that thought would occur shortly after. But i'm not complaining.

I'm beginning to wonder if it's me just giving these occurences special notice until it feels like it's statistically significant (as opposed to people who've had such experiences but don't think too much of it). Or whether i'm just really........ special odd in that way.

La dee dah. Actually, i really wouldn't mind more of such "coincidences". Wouldn't it be nice to be psychic a prophetic speaker.

***

I popped into my sister's room to find her playing this xbox game that saw her as a third person character who happens to be a "squirrel" who "kills foes by bravely brandishing a frying pan in its right paw" and "battering the enemies to bloody bits and pieces".

Oh. Kay.

The SAFRA Sheares Bridge and AHM Run...

There's this dog in the next block that needs either some form of K9 Kounselling or someone to just give it a warm hug and constant reassuring pats on its head. The depression stricken fella has been punctuating the air with its baying and bellowing, howling and wailing for hours on end already.

I hear things like: (and some plausible translations)

"Aiii-woorrr....." ("the Aiwa player sucks")
"Ohh worrhh......" ("Oh, woe is me")
"Ooooorrrhhhhh......" ("Oh... Bad joke!")
"Ahhrroooowwaaarr...." ("Matt from Funniest Animals should be shot!")
"Arggggwoooaarrr..." ("I'm dying...")
"Arf!-rooowwoooooaarrrr..." ("That poodle is cute!" )
"Rooo... ooaarrr...." ("But i'm all alloooonnneee... *bawl*")
"Ahh-ooorrrrrhhh..." ("Hey, another cutie eye candy!")
"Wooff! Wooooaaaah...." ("I give up...")

It either finds joy in singing to some CD song its owner left in the player, or in conversing with other dogs from another dimension, or is crying foul over bad jokes on Planet's Funniest Animal Videos or it's experiencing some major separation anxiety.

Headache inducing man.

***

hawhaw, soo keewwttt, the leetteeell koochee baybeee.

*head explosion*

i love animal videos. Now where's Jed, i wanna squeeze him.

***

To run or not to run?

Online, it seems to say that registration is closed, but today's papers states that it's still open. There's a leisurely 6km and 10km non competitive run, which sounds very appealing to me. Hrmmm.... Decisions.

Dominic tells me that the song isn't titled "When the Music Fades", but it's actually "Heart of Worship". *chuckle* So, i guess that's not so bad after all, aye.

Presenting... My PINK PICKS! I *heart* you much much.

I got this pair at Peninsula Plaza yesterday at a small guitar shop next to Davis. I can't remember what the shop's called though. The light pink one's 0.46mm thick while the dark pink one's 0.71mm.

It wasn't like i meant to get them in this colour but it was because most of the other picks were either too thick, the purple ones were sadly too thick too, and the others didn't feel comfortable between my fingers. Still. To me, they look absolutely purdy and er... Edible. Kinda reminds me of the strawberry flavoured cream inside "Hello Panda" biscuits.


But yes i do like pink. (something i would not have readily admitted to while in kindergarten, because i wanted to prove that i was different, and not like the "other girls".)

As usual, lameology prevails between Gem and i as we strode out of the shop... If you were there, you'd hear nonsensical lines like these being shot back and forth between the both of us in our attempts in trying to outdo one another:

"I am picking picks"
"I'm being picky."
"Pink Picks!"
"I'm being picky while picking my picks"
"I'm being picky while picking my pink picks"
"The pinks picks were being pickyly picked by the picky picker"
"The picky picker's pinky was pickyly picking the pink picks"
.
.
.
and so on

I think he won. So bad hor, pick on me.

(just kidding! don't be mad!)

prattle

After a few weeks of struggling with the classical guitar and sifting through the worship songs on my mom's song list collection, i've finally found ONE song which (1) i know the chords of (2) my fingers can move easily from chord to chord (3) is a reasonably long song.

And what's the title you ask? "When the music fades".

WHEN THE MUSIC FADES?! FADES?! Gee thanks...! That is sooo encouraging, huh!

Maybe i'm suppose to stick to the keyboard after all. Teehee.

***

Today has not been a good day. Waking up late from having my fatigue fully made up for, beginning the day late, doing everything else except engaging with my readings and planning for my first assignment for the semester. Procrastinating, dragging my mental feet, and physically dragging on the guitar strings with a hard and tough pick actually meant for the bass guitar.

It's almost like the initial stage of denial, but i guess i'm going to have to, and WILL, force myself to get cracking on research and processing the obscenely superfluous chunks of readings. Wait. Ok, fine, just superfluous.

Permit me to complain some more. I need to just rant all my rubbish out. You know how it is with garbage. If you generate out garbage without disposing them, they begin to rot and smell really bad. So hence.

Yeah. So it is searingly hot, with the bright, blue cheery sky as the clear and pretty backdrop to the otherwise boring blocks of buildings. And I cannot be at the pool enjoying myself. Obviously, i'm still in my fantasy, holiday, Hawaii mode.

It's just past 4pm and i haven't accomplished much, while band practice awaits me this evening. Oh how i feel so guilty about spending more time outside home. The usual, the usual - Simply standing there to watch, listen and learn. Again. That's perfectly all right in itself, but i just feel like i could do with more time at home to make up for my slothfulness right now...

Yes, i've been doing that (watching, listening and learning) faithfully (pretty much) for 2 years now, save the times when i felt i was so detached from the ministry that i even (genuinely) forgot to attend practices.

I suppose you could say that my "patience and persistence" has "paid off" since i've now been scheduled to alternate with the other second keys (synthesizer) musician. But truth be told, my patience had worn quite thin many times before and i had questioned my presence in the music ministry.

Sometimes i really marvel at how things work out to test and break down my pride. From the beginning of time, i've HATED the synthesizer. Yes. I've hated it's very sound, it's very effects it's suppose to add on and atmosphere it supposedly creates. I detested the synthesizer. Because it sounded fake, it was the mother contributor of all cheaply made music, and was basically like nerve grating pond scum, bottom-of-the-barrel muck, to my ears. But now, i find myself gaining a starting place in the band as a synthesizer player.

Imagine my horror when my leader approached me and asked me to begin with the synthesizer when i was gunning for the keyboard instead. But you know what?

I appreciate and SEE clearly now, why this took place. And i THANK GOD for the baby stepping stones that were given to me to take instead of allowing me to plunge head first into something i understood nothing about.

Back to the problem with the picture.

So I certainly did not feel like i HAD to play for services, but what i felt was the problem with the picture was that i didn't think i was serving God the way i had planned to when i joined the ministry in the first place. That might translate once again to "playing for services", but you see, that is not the primary gripe. If i had another channel in the same ministry, but where i am still able to serve, then, yeay-ness.

But never we all mind now, right? Since things have taken one step forward.

Meanwhile, i also need to brush up on and polish my familiarity with the chords in the Key of E and A. The horrors.

Back to work.

Life in ACJC would've been awful without you guys. Cheers to our friendship!

Dropped by the Shape magazine website and discovered that they've put up the timings and positions of all runners who had completed the 5km and 10km runs. I apparently came in 489th out of the 1360+ 5km runners. So-so i guess, quite average.

***

I've already registered for the Standard Chartered 10km run. Kinda wondering if (1) i'm going to need a new pair of shoes especially since i've noticed that both my feet ached after doing 8km. (2) If i'm going to regret it. Haha.

Well, i've decided that i'm not going to set and meet some personal best timing so it's going to be more of a i'm-gonna-take-this-nice-and-easy-for-fun-laughter-peace-and-joy. Of course i'm going to jog all the way, and maybe up the speed here and there, but I'm not going to do much major pushing because my goal isn't of a competitive nature. Er, things should change though if while going on my own sweet way, i begin to notice matronly looking aunties running past me.

I've signed up and it's confirmed. Have you?

***

I kinda got adopted.

She was surprised to find that the angsty little girl had not left. Apparently, she still exists, waiting and had grasped the perfect opportunity to get riled up and lash out. She just doesn't seem to give up.

I would never have...

... thought that i would play a string instrument. Why?

Because:

1. i could never make sense of the different placements of the fingers on strings
2. nor could i remember much.
3. Also, i have short and stubby digits which do not obey my brain.
(For instance, Gem was telling me to move my middle finger. But for goodness knows what reason, i moved my index finger and then tried again only to shift my ring finger while keeping my middle finger firmly rooted to its spot. I am now convinced i have some psycho-motor issues. *sob*)
4. I've also been a pianist all my life.

So there you have it, a combination perfect for distancing myself from a stringed instrument.

But here i am now finding joy in strumming my dad's classical guitar that has been literally sitting in a corner collecting dust and listening to its own sad silence for all these years. It all started when i picked up my dad's classical and strummed some rubbish chord followed by another rubbish (ie. pressed any string i wanted) chord. Lo and behold, both the chords complemented one another. Kind of like a normal major chord first and then a sustained note of the same chord. Eg. E and then Esus2 or Esus4

All of a sudden, my memory bank for learning of chords has improved, though not yet flawless of course. The oddity. I suppose i could attribute that to "the hope in possibilities", which opens the was-once-closed mind.

Assuming we're coming from the viewpoint that music shall (not must) accompany worship, I admit that i find joy in leading others into worship with my keyboard, but you can't really lug your xxx kg piano or your xx kg electric keyboard all over the country, so hence guitars are the most portable instruments around, aside from your humble harmonica or something of the like. There are those really funky Foldable Pianos (can you believe that, so cool) but those would cost you a bomb, both arms and legs, and probably wouldn't sound or feel or work as good. I'm not sure, but they might still need to be plugged into a power socket still, to work. Well, then again, depends on what you're willing to compromise on, then.

Which so therefore led me to wish that i could play the guitar. But i would often moosh that thought as fast as it came because i've tried many times before, only to produce really muddy and dirty sounding chords. Er, actually i still do, but with a little more practice, there is hope. I.... think. I don't believe that it's impossible.

***

... thought that i would now enjoy running.

Running, to me, was a dreaded form of torture dished out by my PE teachers in *copious, lavish, abundant, generous, overflowing* amounts in the past. Being bestowed with that amount of running was one thing, but feeling wrecked after that was another issue. This was a problem that has a history that extends way back into my primary and secondary AND JC school days. My endurance level was also at a *pffffttt* kind of standard.

Ever since i embarked on regular jogging regime last year, and trained for the Shape Run this year, my body has decided to mercifully give in a little so as to make my attempts at fitness less daunting. Yeay. Like i've mentioned before, i'm not a great runner now, but i myself am able to see and even feel the improvement that i've made in the last one year.

So now, i'm going to sign up for my first Standard Chartered 10km. It's only a quarter of the full marathon, but i guess i'll work myself up slowly. I've never actually done a one shot 10km, run or swim or walk or jump or hopscotch or whatever, in my 2 decades worth of a life, so this will be my first.

Who wants to join me? Teehee.

PS: Uhm...! Passionfruit Tea (from BOH Tea) is sooooo exquisitely fragrant.

This week's activities look a little maddening to me. Not that it's a bad thing per se, but since school's beginning next week, i really should be winding down on my "other responsibilities" that took the main stage during the holidays.

Room's in a mess and my mind's a jumble of thoughts, with reminders of stuff to do and things that i promised other people that i would deliver. All of them need to be addressed and dealt with asap.

For some reason, i went through yesterday feeling troubled, held down by an unseen but a very heavy weight of worry and concern. I felt helpless, wordless, clueless and i could only rely on God's promise of security in all situations.

So much has happened over the last few weeks pertaining to my own spiritual walk and mental, er... environment? If only there was a way with which i can record all of my thoughts in a tape in just a few short moments. Frankly, though i want to store in words and feelings all that has happened, i don't even know where to begin, and time always seems so short.

Attraction to the attractive, to me, is a dangerous work of nature. Among human beings i mean. (Male peacocks are the pretty ones between the female and male, but i don't think the female peacock would be too concerned with his character or the way he manages his finances.)

When one becomes attracted to an attractive counterpart based on physical appearance alone, with respect to character judging, one tends to overlook the flaws, or think/fooled to think that flaws don't exist, or that all flaws can be tolerated, or that all flaws can never be too hard to deal with or made right. All because that beautiful, enchantingly gorgeous being is just... So desirable, that anything goes.

Right and Wrong. While some people do take great pains to change and/or to accept the other for all the bad points even after the inital rush (ie, they make the decision... to Love.) some other flaws may well be the very things that cause rifts and therefore a split between a couple in future. When i hear of fancying taking place before one actually interacts with the desirable target, my head screams: Blinded!

But humans are such that when we set our eyes upon someone of a different gender with agreeable physical features (well, at least for most of us who are not living alternative lifestyles), we begin to wish, to some extent, that we could associate with him/her. In the end, some do and some don't.

In cases where the "association" goes beyond just friendship into courtship, I salute those who have the sense to step out of a potential war zone when one sees that something cannot work out, as opposed to someone who is just too eager to be with someone, or wants an ego stroking or whatever else and so therefore enters into the relationship anyway.

There is a reason why you hear and will continue to hear that looks can be deceiving, good looks is not what's really important, beauty is fleeting, yada yada, because it's true. This is not to discount the fact that there ARE people who are stunningly attractive (by most standards) on both the inside and outside though. To those i say to you, good for you. :-)

So in obvious conclusion, all i can say is... Use (mostly) your brains. The heart, is a deceitful fella.

I er... happened to read a few of Pastor Glenn Lim's past blog entries and found out that er... He was from Ghim Moh Secondary School too. That's where i was from as well! Oh wow... The coincidence! And that was where he first met his wife too. Awww, schweeeet!

GMSS... This is the school that holds a very special place in my heart because it played a huge part in making me who i am today. I had teachers who saw the potential and believed in me, and trusted me with responsibilities that only a few students could handle. It was the place that uncovered and nurtured some of my talents, and i'm sure that it was by no accident that i got into that school, despite it being totally off my choice of 6 schools.

:-)

Just a few random pics i like.

There're a lot of these "xxx athletics dept" tees around that you see, and they all look so meaningless after a while. But i personally like this one a lot, from Local Brand.
Notice the Rickshaw man design and the text at the bottom: "Established 1819". If you know your history, this is very much a Singaporean tee.

Teehee. Be careful not to drink too much of this.












This is what happens when you put a bunch of overgrown kids together in Macdonalds for breakfast. (haha, i love my NTU people)

Shape Run 2006

My legs feel overused today. Pounding 5 times my weight on them for 5km and then shopping with my cousin to get his shoes, coupled with a headache, is no walk in the park. But still, i feel good. But i also feel disappointed.

There is a sense of superiority somehow when i know that i've done myself some justice in the morning, knowing that all of it was worth my time and my effort. I cannot say that i'm completely as pleased as punch with myself, but i'll say that being a part of a sporting event gives me a bit of a high which makes up just a teeny bit for my disappointment.

Didn't meet my personal goal though of hitting 35 minutes and below, and i missed out on being in the top 100 by around 6 minutes (which well... in actual fact is considered a long time in such events). Oh well. Yet, as i look back upon my fitness level a few months ago and as i compare that with what i'm capable of doing today, i can honestly say that i've come a long way. I'm not and have never been a good long distance runner in fact, which makes it all the more sweeter. In actuality, i hate running long distances (anything more than 1km).

And so i finally understand the meaning of "bring your training into your competition and bring your competition into your training". This is something that i've learnt from archery. For the former, you'll need that steady mentality that you've built up through your training during the competition. There'll always be people better or less than you, but you'll need to keep your head, to stick to the plan, to what you've trained yourself at. You cannot be overwhelmed by what you see, hear and feel. When you find that you are able to partition yourself from the external surroundings, you'll ease into the run better. For the latter, you need to be serious about your trainings, never slacking or cutting corners. You should bring your attitude of excellence into your trainings as well so that you're always at your best.

Now that the run is over, i'm gonna be looking for other interesting activities to pick up. Maybe kickboxing or dancing... something else other than running.

I'm rreaaalllleeee tired now. Sleepy. No one is going to ask me to do anything anymore tonight. I'm bushed.

***

Running gear with number tags and timing chip attached: check
Socks and shoes: check
Heart rate monitor and strap: check
Extra tee: check
Brolly: check
Towel: check
Handphone: check

Wallet: Cash (duh), IC (with every reason) and er... Organ Donation Card. You know..., just in case i run all the way home to God. Oh, check.

I've NEVER done a meme. How do you even pronounce "meme"? Mee-mee? Meh-meh? Mur mur? Mm-Mm?
So here's my first one that i kopied from Rach. :-)

10 Favourites:

(i skipped zis one because i don't have a favourite. I have favourite-S.)

9 currents:

Current mood: bored from waiting, but knows that there's something else i should be doing.
Current song: You Danced over Me.
Current book: Straits Times
Current subject studying: subject can be a person, not? *hurhur*
Current thought: how do i answer this question. ok, i shall not. Next!
Current time: 2:52pm
Current toenail colour: a healthy pink and off white
Current girlfriend: this meme was created by a nosy poker guy, huh.
Current wish: that i can ace my way through the rest of uni to make up for the past.

8 Firsts:

1st best friends: had a few in primary school but i dont know who was first though. But one whom i definitely remember is... Andrea!
1st crush: Heh heh. Kindergarten one counted anot? ;-p He was cute!
1st movie: er, earliest i can think of wld prolly be Indiana Jones, where i coined the phrase: "What's so funny? I'm not laughing." My family remembers this distinctly.
1st screen name: ponyboy
1st piercing: earrings when in... er... kindergarten or was it primary school. Yes, vainpottedness started young.
1st handphone: some ericsson G-something. Those can-kill-godzilla kind of brick phone.
1st sport: basketball.
1st pet: angel fishes that died and got flushed down the toilet or thrown down the chute. Pfftt.

7 Lasts:

Last cigarette: null.
Last drink: Ice wine. Yummerlicious, but only drunk at a snail's pace. You don't want joline when she's headachey.
Last car ride: sunday.
Last crush: should i even be mentioning this HERE?! *muahaha* Er, should i even be having one.
Last movie seen: (a few at Germ's place)
Last phone call: Mom.
Last sms: My gem. Telling him that he sounded like an oinking pig over msn.
Last song played: Uh... Hm.

6 Have you evers:

Dated one of ur best friends: nevah
Broken the law: nevah. i is type A. Type Anal.
Been arrested: somehow that sounds funny.
Skinny-dipped: Nevah
Been on TV: Yep. For some short cable tv interview and another as an extra on a friend's short movie.
Kissed someone you didn't know: nevah.

5 things:

5 things you are wearing: bacteria, specs, t-shirt, checkered shorts and remnants of Dove shower gel's 1/4 moisturising lotion.
5 things I've done today: made 2 sandwiches, kissed my pet dog, showered, drank fruity rose tea and said good morning to my cousin while half concussed.
5 things I can hear right now: My dog breathing as he sleeps, whirring fan, traffic going by outside, my lappie ticking away inside and my head telling me to speed up time.
5 things you can't live without: Relationships with God, loved and trusted ones, exercising, the internet, pain killers and good advice.
5 things you do when you're bored: blog, piano-ing, blog surf, tidy room and read newspapers.

4 Places You've Been:

Indonesia, Canada, US of A and Australia.

3 People You Can Tell (Almost) Anything To:

Cannot tell, wait they kena blackmailed.

2 Choices:
Black or White: black
Hot or Cold: Somehow this general question prompts me to leave it unanswered.

1 Wish: that one day, my spiritual heartbreaks will be no more.

You see it happening again and again, you hear the same old lines, they think they've got it, that they've finally got it right (wow... like, this is the 1000th time you said that). But yet in a matter of months, maybe even weeks, you see the situation collapse into that horrible, yet familiar scene of destruction. Again.

Some people have vices that hold too strong in them that once a teeny little bit pressure is applied on that spot, they crash. And burn. Hook, line and sinker. Their brains become mush, their senses become nonsense, their eyes cease to see, all they think of is that things are perfect. Oh, yes it is. But only the here and now, is. That's because the immediate desires are being met, the craved-for pleasurables of life is being stroked and pampered. But how about the future?

Beneath all the merry making, beneath all the physical pleasures, hidden under all the "joy" and fun, and the smiles, and laughter, the conversation, the romance and all that one thinks one is having, is the core of what makes the same old problem repeat themselves, over and over again. What the core is, i don't know because everyone has a different story to tell. Yet i wouldn't hesitate to add that in most instances of such problems, there is always a few common bottom lines of... Malfunction. For lack of a milder word. It is so rudimentary, it probably would even be part of our human nature, hence uncommon it is not.

And you want to grab them and tell them: STOP IT. But you don't because you don't want to spoil a good friendship, you don't want to be accused with "You DON'T UNDERSTAND!".

But it is only out of concern that you don't want to see your friend hurt.

Still. Fear. And so you watch it happen. Like a semi predictable movie that you know could swing in either direction, but from the repeated cues, hackneyed lines, and typical scenarios, you know... The possibility is very high.

Tannlines is having a sale, from the 7th to the 17th of July, at Paragon, #03-49. They seem to have some quite pretty stuff with pretty (good) prices, so head on down! I'm definitely going, for one but I don't know about the sizes available though. Boy am i glad i'm still having my holidays. :-P About a month ago, i treated myself and purchased a bikini (er, yeah...) from Tannlines (right, Miss D?) and i must say that this one fits a lot better than the previous one i bought from Taka.

***

Girls, do you prefer your guy to do stuff that says he loves you, or would you prefer him to tell you in words that he loves you (in this case lets take it that he does mean it)?

(ok, i know that we all would love him to do both, but if you could pick only one...?)

Happy Birthday, Chua XH. :-) May we always celebrate your birthday together in true gangsterism in the many years to come.

***

What is it about late night jogger-me and men? I'm not used to strangers trying to make conversation with me, let alone men who sound enthusiastic about it in the quiet of the night, after my jog.

(Jo jogs down slope as she reaches home and meets Man 1)

Man 1: Well done! Jogging so late?
Jo: Yeah... (*pant, pant* *feels relief at reaching home and then feeling intruded upon by stranger*)

Man 1: Where did you jog from?
Jo: I jogged from church. (*thinks: good time to evangelise? and to also be vague.*)

Man 1: Oh, i like to jog too.
Jo: Oh that's great! (*smiles brightly and also thinks: doesn't look like he jogs very often*)

Man 1: See you then! (*smiles a little smile that looks half hopeful, half unsure*)
Jo: Right, bye! (*thinks: is he ok? er... this is not normal.*)

(couple of days ago)

(jo walks alone quickly in the dark past the playground, minding her own business, but notices a man walking up from the playground after doing some chin ups)

Man 2: (speaks up from behind me in Mandarin) So late and you still jog?
Jo: (takes a while to register that he's talking to me before i turn around, and stammers replies in... Mandarin) Yes, at the gym.

Man 2: (still in Mandarin) Really? I've not seen you around.
Jo: (*thinks: eh? should you be noticing at all?)

Man 2: (In Mandarin) Are you a local?
Jo: (*scowls very hard and frowns because jo doesn't understand the Mandarin word for local*)

Man 2: (repeats his question in English) You're not local?
Jo: No, no, no... (meaning: No, no such thing, i AM local)

Man 2: Oh... Your accent doesn't sound local.
Jo: Oh... (*smiles* *thinks: er, ok... this is not good*)

Man 2: (in English) Oh... Ok, see you around!
Jo: (in English) See you!

See, i wasn't kidding when i said that my mandarin is beyond terrible, and that sure isn't something to be proud of. It sounds so off that it even makes someone think that i'm not local! :-( Sure am appreciative that Gem's mandarin is waaaay better than mine. In all those cases when we had to ask someone something in Mandarin, he was desperately poked by mua (distress button) to ask for help, and thank God he does it very well.

(17th of April: Something i drafted and saved. Decided to post this because it made me smile at the memory.)

I had a grand time on Good Friday. Good friday was spent in church to watch a drama performance by the creative arts ministry. The grief and sadness depicted by all the scenes were to illustrate the pain and sorrow experienced by Jesus before his death. The Time of Darkness before his death on the cross.

One particular scene that portrayed just a single woman crying and screaming her heart out because of a miscarriage squeezed my heart so much that i couldn't help but let my tears well up and stream down my cheeks. Lucky no make-up on, or else confirm become Goth Girl by the end of the service.

And friday was possibly the longest time i've ever spent with my church cell gang. The day saw us moving from church, to Marina Square to Jo's Tavern somewhere along the Holland area. Drinks provided there are for free, no alcohol though. And the piano and guitars are free for anyone to pick up and play. The frisky black and tan animal was a noisy nuisance though, but i guess he provided an avenue for both play and bullying.

We rock lah, NTU CELL, wooooooooooooooot! It seems to me that the NTU cell is being taken over by SIMers or, SIMs. As this blog loves lame jokes and corniness of all sorts, i will quote these lines from the unknown original source. Oh, and if you want (i know you guys are reading), you can leave your name to claim credit for your lines.

1. "It seems that we're becoming more SIMful (sinful)." (?)
2. "We're SIMmers (sinners) after all" (?)
3. "We're all so SIMilar..." (Dominic)
4. "Wa lao..., SIM tia man..." (yours truly)
(but i do speak the sentiments of everyone right? Right?!)

Don't know if you have, but i caught a few er, teasers of this new series called the "Ghost Whisperer". I honestly thought it was a joke. Ghost Whisperer? Immediately the first thing that came into my head was: Gee, are they trying to portray ghosts in a less supernaturally unknown light, as less scary, and more misunderstood beings that bear even hope, feelings and emotions?

It seems like a marriage between romance (as in the concept of romanticism) and horror, two quite emotionally inducing genres that would be positioned on something like polar ends of the spectrum. We've all yet to see what will be borne out of that, though i doubt i'll watch it anyways.

Kinda reminds me of that drama series "Touched by an Angel" which featured episode after episode of how angels (spiritual beings) dealt with mortals, as opposed to this series, which will depict a mortal dealing with spirits.

***

I think i've been putting on weight judging by this perceived jingle about me, even if the weighing scale doesn't show it. Then again, it could well be just psychological guilt of sorts acting up because my appetite of late has been really good, with cravings plaguing me almost all the time. Gem will vouch for this i know. Heh.

Been having cravings for that Adam Road fruit juice special and prawn mee, BBQ Stingray (yes, it's STILL ongoing and i don't know why) , oyster omelette and teh peng (the coffee shop kind of ice tea).

Shape Run '06 is in less than 2 weeks. YAY, finally! After which i will probably begin looking for a different form of exercise to supplement my weekly canal runs, cos i think running on its own is getting a little too monotonous.

***

On sunday, this really old school fortune-telling-weighing-machine thingy caught my sister's eye when we were shopping around Parkway Parade. We snapped a photo of it on her phone and decided to waste 20cents for the fun of seeing what the old metal lump would churn out. I remember that when i was a kid doing the same lets-try-this-thing-for-fun, i was offended by the stupid machine because it said something rather rude.

Anyway, after standing on the metal weighing plate, after which we waited for the mechanism to stabilise before putting in a 20cent coin, the machine got clonking and it spat out a piece of cardboard that had my weight printed as xxkg (ok, decently accurate) on one side and behind the same piece of cardboard was printed some sagely words........

That i cannot tell you word for word because i left the paper in my shorts that went into the wash before i could save it. -.- Retarded, i know.

But from the little that i can see from the now mushed up cardboard that looks half digested, it says: "A brilliant marriage will raise your ... ... above expectations... "

TSK.

Wrong person LAH. It's FSH who's getting hitched next year, not mua.

Title: (as stated on tee)
I fell in love with it the moment i set my eyes on it. What can i say? I'm one of them, great procrastinators.









Title: Biblical Disaster
No wonder.











Title: Prehistoric Freak
Gotta love this one, poking fun at lil ole Barney.
Gem and i bought one each of this, as well as Biblical Disaster.















Title: Zombie Donkey
I feel a bit like Mr Zombie sometimes. Chasing some thing(s) i wasn't meant to be created with in the first place.










***

I've gone on a couple of shopping stints recently, about a month late as compared to the rest of Singapore, but i don't feel like i missed out on anything cos it seems like the deals are as sweet, if not maybe even sweeter.

U2 hasn't gone all the way with their discounts yet though. I remember distinctly how they cut their prices down by 70% last year around July or August, some such. Oh the bliss, because while the rest of the Singaporean population had gone back to work and school, it gave people like me free reign (and rein) over the shops. Muah hahahaaa.

***

Having spoken to two important people over the weekend, it's come to light once again this dualistic aspect of me: That on one hand i appreciate relating to others through the sharing of personal issues as well as discussing issues that involve both parties, and also acknowledging the other side of me that tends to shrink into a lonely silence despite being surrounded by familiar friends.

***

Perhaps more later. I've gotta go for a walk... The durians i had just now are really being accusatory. Not good.

They call it a "concert", but i call it "combined worship".

That's what i experienced yesterday night at Faith Methodist Church which held workshops for various musicians (keys, guitar, etc) and the worship session which was led by Paul Baloche and his band. All i can say is that they are one down to Earth group of guys (note: NOT a boy band) , writing and playing music as an offering to please and worship the Lord who deserves all praise, however imperfect it is.

Despite them wanting to make everything perfect from the sound checks to the actual playing, they were candid and good humoured about their glitches that popped up here and there. No airs about them.

I thought that it was a wonderfully unifying experience worshipping with a team from halfway around the world together with a few hundred musicians and vocalists around Singapore. The bandspeak that was being used, i thought was a sweet reminder of how we all understand and share in the same goals and struggles for our worship ministry in our own churches.

Given the kind of person i am, I really had to step out from my comfort zone to attend this event but i must conclude that don't regret spending my evening there one bit. Perhaps i'll be more open in future about such events, and i'll consider taking the plunge again.

***

All THANKS TO GOD! Grades for last semester... An A- and a B+

The B+ missed out on being an A- by just a few marks though... Gah. But i guess i'm thankful for the results as a reflection of the dependence upon God in those times when i was physically and mentally burning out but instead continued to burn strong from within fueled by His strength to persistently work hard. I'm going to continue giving my best and throw in even more effort into my last three semesters because i'm bent on making up for the last two years that were enslaved to the bad British marking system!

The sweetest words to my ears this night was hearing my parents give their affirmation and belief of confidence in me that i'll be doing them proud. It's been such a long time since they've expressed their thoughts on that and their simple words have touched that existing sensitive chord in me that desires not to let them down after all their selfless sacrifices and providences.

***

Threadless tees have touched my shore! Pictures will be up soon. ;-) I hope.

Holidays seem to train me in the ways of bimbotism.

Ok, so i wasn't pulling that sissy of a poundage after all, well er... In my books only. Some women can pull a mean 40+ pounds on the compound bow. The max my bow can be adjusted to is 40 pounds, and right now it's cranked up to 36 pounds, which was done earlier today. Whee, and all along i thought i was doing only 30.

I'm not very sure about competing in this year's Pesta Sukan (Archery) in August, but i figured, ah well, no harm giving it a shot (no pun intended). But it's been a while since i've been competition fit, with the particular muscles groups in condition for rigorous drawing and steadily sustaining the weight of the bow. Feeling like i'm beginning from scratch again, feeling the old(-new) aches returning in the same places on my back and arms. Gotta say i like it though. He calls me a Sadist, i agree to some extent.

***

Finally, a week where i don't have to dedicate days in a row to anything. I really hope i can keep this week more relaxed because school's going to start somewhere in mid july and it's about time to wind down, have some time for myself and significant other (yes, we haven't pak-tored since the hols began ok.)

***

Keeping Track:

Palawan beach
Adam Road Food Centre (Prawn noodles and Fruit Juice special)
The Esplanade
BBQ with G & others
Cell event in July
Time with D (have yet to ask her)

(above) Just some of the things that've been floating on my mind and have been wanting to do.

Shape Run on the 16th of July
Archery Pesta Sukan in August
Mizuno Wave Run on the 23rd of July? (shall i? but i dont feel like torturing myself in the space of 1 week by increasing my distance by 200%)

(above) Just some of the sporting events on my schedule.

***

Eyes are right about shutting, so it's off to bed with me while the new day creeps up in about 20 minutes or so.

The next time someone makes a "smart joke" that people would usually exclaimed "SO CORNY!!!" after, please refrain from saying "SO CORNY", instead say "SO PUNNY!" (you do know that "p" can also be pronounced the way "f" is pronounced too, right). This is because "corny" means "dated, dull and tiresome". Which is hardly what you meant to say in the first place. I really don't know how and why "corny" got so misplaced in our vocabulary.

***

I realize that in subtle ways, the places that i've been immersing myself in challenges my fears and weakpoints. Like how in SIM, all my classmates are adults, 90% of whom are 30+ and above, and where i work part time, i deal with lots of expatriates, i pick up calls from strangers, i have to be nice and smiley all the time even when i make mistakes or have been told things in a less than kind way.

I haven't grown up, really. Kind of like, a child stuck in a body that doesn't stop aging. It changes, the numbers go one up every year, but there's something in me that hasn't quite changed profoundly. I don't need a kick in my tush for something to happen right?

***

My race draws nearer... The training has resulted in my improved endurance, and my timing has also improved. Not to say that it's wonderful by most standards, but it's definitely better than what it used to be. The only problem with it is that it's improving too slowly for my liking! Never mind, we'll see what happens on the day itself. *grins to self*

***

The church varsity camp that we spent about a month on with planning is finally over, and rats, i didn't even spend half the time at the camp! (because of work) Still, I'd have to say that it's been a great pleasure working with everyone. You guys are a fun, witty, garang and driven bunch... and i will always have a soft spot for my games comms people. GROUP HUG! *bimbotic giggling* But seriously, they're so easy to work with because they're always spilling with creative ideas, bubbly like Pepsi, smart and quick as whips, cooperative, selfless and most importantly... like minded in the ways of SABOTAGE. Muah hahahahahaha!

M and B, much thanks to the both of you!

A snippet before we embarked upon our marathon. Er, movie marathon. ;-)

Love you guys.

It's a constant struggle to not be disappointed with my Christian walk. I expect too much and so i fall flat on my face, turning cynical and sceptical all over again. The emptiness returns and i know that that happens because i run off to do my own thing leaving my Daddy behind, breaking free from his coaching and guidance.

I'm trying to learn what it means to yearn but not to be conditional about how i see my relationship with the Lord. I'm trying to be expectant but not demanding. I see it basically as "patiently desiring more".

It sure isn't easy.

I'm tired of my ups and downs with Him. All i want is to know Him, much more and deeper. I'm tired of searching and guessing, and wondering. How can i walk closely with someone i don't understand well? I hate to put words into God's mouth about what He's trying to do in my life (i never believe in making assumptions and believing in it unless i know for sure), but at this point i wonder if all these heartbreaks in my journey with Him is to teach me the quality of perseverence, a trait i do actually lack in my character.

I've fallen many times, crawled for a bit, and then dusted myself to stand up again. I hurt but i try to walk again. Each time there will always be someone there to tell me to keep pressing in and to keep seeking. But the pain sometimes gets to me and i cry out all the "Why" questions.

I'm waiting for the day when the wall is finally chipped away, when that wretched locked door finally swings open when the key is found.

***

Went through the stock chart on Threadless, and boy am i glad i made a move, and fast. Apparently out of 4 tees i placed my order for, 3 are already out of stock.

Gem and I both got "Prehistoric Freak" and "Biblical Disaster", while i got another two, called "Zombie Donkey" and "Procrastinators: Leaders of Tomorrow".

*rubs hands with glee*

To Mari: The first order is in the process of being packaged and sent off, the second one has only just been received and will be packaged soon.

I really should stop taking photos that are simply look-at-camera-and-smile types. B-O-R-I-N-G.

Remembering that i had a memory triggering aid in the form of a CD with a sizeable number of photos of my JC mates, i sifted through my pile of CDs, found it and popped it into the drive.

I'm smiling as i click through and view them one by one. The ones that especially trigger those feelings of nostalgia and that fuzzy warmth are those that capture in a sweet frame our madcap antics, smiles that were caught in a split second without the purposeful bunching of certain muscles for that practiced smile some of us have tried to perfect.

The best pictures are those that allow you to see more than a smile plastered on a face, the kind that reveals to the viewer the reflection of the sentiment(s) of that moment through the body language of the photo's subjects. It's a joy to see us close friends just being ourselves, the way we are.

And then i think, we don't always have to smile for photos, do we? Yeah. We don't.

Think about how different it would be if we took photos of ourselves in times when we are feeling anguish, when our eyes are sore and swollen with prolonged crying, when our faces reflect emptiness, dull from the sapping of all positivity.

If photos are about capturing moments to remember, are not times of unhappiness worthy of being remembered, or captured, too? Thinking back on events past and seasons of our lives need not always have to stir good emotions. Our lives are a collection of far more than that.

Life is equally ugly as it is beautiful.

***

THREADLESS IS HAVING A SALE FOR ONLY 3 DAYS. LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! GO! GO! GO!


***

Germ and i scored when we spent a rainless wednesday last week at Sentosa, Palawan Beach, doing nothing but sprawling ourselves upon the beach and nua-ing in the sun. The days that came after saw only cold rain and dull grey clouds. Hah!

Must say that spending a day with my homie at the beach (i love everything about being at the beach) was a lot more than just pleasant. I didn't really want to leave when evening creeped up on us.

For those of you who've been to Palawan Beach, you'll know about that wooden bridge and two tall wooden structures that overlook the sea with a bridge connecting them both. I'm not kidding you when i say that these are things that come straight out from my fantasies. What i would give to spend a night up there with nature and people i care about. *wistful smiley sigh*

Got to love the amenities (newly renovated) too though i can expect to see it tranformed for the worse in a few months time, with the usual wear and tear as well as lovely contributions from inconsiderate users.

I felt like i was showering in a resort-themed loo, or a stable or something. The ceiling wasn't your usual white and flat ceiling but the toilets were housed under this huge wooden shelter that covers all the showers as well as toilets.
When you tilt your head up, you'll see the ceiling fans twirling round and around above you. Quite shiok when you are doing your stuff in the toilet. Hee.
(note: i may have misjudged the height of the ceiling though, 'cos my glasses were off)

The feeling you get is one of openness without the fear of being peeped at. Yet you feel the free flow of fresh air. I like.

We even bought pictures of our pretty selves. ;-) Muah haha. Erm, what happens is that photographers will come by and ask if you would like to take photos, of which you can later view and buy as a souvenir at the Island Shop. Not bad you know... Sentosa has their own line of clothing too now. Interesting.

One of my all time favourite movies HAS to be the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
***

This sounds crazy but i'm going to plan a schedule for myself to read up on the most recently completed sem's textbooks once through again. It's a whole load of beneficial information missed out during the academic writing frenzy. I don't want to slack off too much either lest i forget what i should know for the next semester.

***

It is usually after an enjoyable day out with a friend or friends that i always wonder to myself when in solitude: How many of these people will be friends who stick around for life?

Some friends may marry off, and some may not. Either way, there's a chance that some part of their lifestyle may pull them away from you. Or, emotional distance and connection between two people become so ghostly thin that it stops one party from reaching out to the other, or from reciprocating the request that was extended. Worse, what if something horrible happens...

There are only so many friends with whom you can really stick tight to. It's kind of like you have a core group, then a next group outside the core, and so forth. The people staying within a group may not be static, and may move from group to group over time. But there will always be a group left on the outside, and those are the ones at risk of being lost, and possibly for good.

***

Trekking 10km is nothing like running 10km.

A group of 5 of us took to the reservoir so that we could reach that tree top trail that we've been dreaming about venturing across. Thank God that the weather was great on sunday morning, a.k.a merciless searing hot sun, blue skies and white turfs of clouds.

Throughout the 10km, we walked our way through stony paths that wound their way through the forest sometimes bring us upslope and downslope. Other times we padded on soft black soil that felt almost like a carpet beneath our footwear. We also strolled parallel to the SICC golf course on a patch of open land under the perfect sky that made us feel like we weren't quite in Singapore. (we tried to ignore the concrete buildings in the far distance) And the finale was a walk on a 2km long wooden boardwalk that snakes itself between the edges of the forest and the fringe of the reservoir.

As much as i know that all good things will need to come to an end, the tree top walk could've been made looonnggerrr.......... But i loved being up there. Downright exhilarating (for me at least)! Being high above the ground, looking across the canopy of green, feeling the heat beat down and the slight carress of the cool wind on my skin. Looooovvvved it. :-) It was interesting to absorb in the smells and sights, observing how our climate allows for such a diversity of flora. Looking down, you'll see a variety of shapes and sizes of leaves in a small area of land.

One of the most memorable parts was of the climbing up of this tall er... wooden structure thingy that allows you to overlook the vast greenery and enjoy the cool breeze with the direct heat of the sun. It was too bad that not many people seemed to have the fear of heights because shortly after we came up, more people started trooping up which meant that we had to get down or else we all might end up going down together in one atrociously huge lump, wooden structure and all, whether we planned to or not. Boo. Good thing we've got pictures to remember those moments. :-)

I particularly enjoyed walking on the open land next to the golf course because the grass was so green, the sky so brilliant and the air was so fresh. There was little noise too, a kind of peace and quiet that feels alien to us city dwellers. The boardwalk later on also proved to be a perfect spot for people who want to meditate beside the quiet of the forest and slow moving water. If i had gone alone, i'd have chosen to stay there for a while. The silence that descended when one stills one's heart, is pleasantly intoxicating.

Nothing like a good workout in the morning with good friends, i must say.

Next up, more meet ups and a beach trip with my homie. Toodlee Doo!

Ah, i am a young, handsome, fit male.

You Are Cyclops

Dedicated and responsible, you will always remain loyal to your cause. You are a commanding leader - after all, you can kill someone just by looking at them. Power: force beams from your eyes

Which of the X-Men Are You?

Teeheehee.

Random. Busy busy.

There's this Threadless.com tee i want so bad but i'm not willing to pay close to 30buckeroos for it. It's called "Prehistoric Freak" (or was it Freaks), aka Barney the Purple Dinosaur. Man, it's funny.

Quite concussed at the moment, so i'm gonna sound pretty disjointed.

Anyway. It's so good to stop being busy (going out of the house to do something for a purpose other than doing something for myself) for a while. Call me nuts, because i awoke and started getting scared when i discovered that i had nothing to do today. Yeah, i am a bundle of contradictions. The thought of idling around came as a warning prick to my heart, and for two seconds i felt dread creep in. In those two seconds, i felt that same familiar feeling of depression... But I got moving with some cooking, housework and a swim and the day passed by in a flash.

The past week was madness. My room's like a hotel room, with me staying in it no longer than the time i need to sleep and prep to leave the house. I'm awaking at hours that i didn't even have to when i was schooling.

For 3 days in a row, i was cooped up in office meeting rooms making bookmarks for people i'll never know or never get to know, these people being church camp participants for the coming church camp in KL. Can't say i didn't have fun, because if you put a potent mix of people together, you'll get a riot. A fun riot. Always a good remedy during repetitive routine work happening hour after hour in an enclosed space.
Even better when you have concerned church office people (or rather, person) who take welfare seriously, *ahem* taking care to plug us with food. Ice cream floats, samosas and curry puffs. Hieh hieh.

Saturday. I missed all the action at the Futsal because of work at the clinic. Bleagh! I missed watching my Gem play the sport he is passionate about. Oh well. There'll be other times. And then came the Confirmation Service and hilarious RahRah for the varsity camp during Youth service. Cell had a good dinner at HV together, machiam extended family dinner. Ice cream followed. Oh, the icy joy. Yum. ;-9

Sunday... What. A. Day. With that wretched level of consciousness enough to slap the snooze button on the alarm clock that rang at 5am, i ended up awaking 50 minutes too late and reached Buangkok 40 minutes past 7am. The shoot began at 8:30-ish, and though i wasn't shooting this time, i was pretty late given i was part of the organizing committee. My bad.

I was given the job of "announcer" and never did i expect to have to welcome two MPs from the Pasir Ris-Punggol (or is it the other way around...) GRC. I mean, all along i figured that i was going to be the fella who tells the archers what to do at the shooting space, NOT be the person who dispenses information from the organizers over the mic to the masses and the NOT to be the emcee for the event. But no...

That aside, i thank God for my past experiences with public speaking because the mental partitioning from fear and the ability to speak with confidence with a smile that i had to cultivate in secondary school came in handy. After being given the list of names and titles of the GOHs, i sat down to absorb what role i had to assume and drafted out something rough. Details and exact lines only serve to make you more nervous, i feel. And of course, i submitted my fears to God and i thanked Him for my abilities and left all the events-to-come to Him.
No glory for myself, but i'm pleased to say that later on during the 2nd MP's visit, one of the grassroots people told me that she liked the way i did things, and asked if i do this emcee stuff all the time because i seem well accustomed to it, at ease and quick to figure out what to say. Thanks God. Couldn't have done it without you. :-D

The whole event ended at around 8pm. So that means about 12 hours spent trudging around the muddy Buangkok field. Legs felt like dropping off by the end of the day. Shoes took on a different colour. I played with a toad in the mud.

And so today was for myself, but it's back to verk again, with a recce to Changi, and more bookmark making and meeting up with my close ones. Gem and i haven't had any time to talk in depth about recent issues in our lives.

I'm tired and it's off to bed again. I never take long to fall asleep these days. I like.

I'm scot free. Yes! Exams are finally over! Oh, the feeling's so good, and what makes it better is that i'm being kept busy. There's no doubt that i'm going to want some time to myself to do my own thing even if it's just stoning, but yeah. Being busy keeps depression away and i intend to keep my hols meaningful.

Tue: packed room
Wed, Thurs: @ Church office
Fri: Varsity camp recce @ Changi
Sat: Work, Sure Kickabout Futsal and (your confirmation service, i believe. :-> )
Sun: helping at the archery competition @ buangkok.

Woot! Who wants to book me nix wik? ;-DDDDD

All righty, i gotta run. Would love to get back to blogging though. :-I

Another trip to the supermarket saw the resident suaku gawking in horrified surprise at these dudes. Not only were they a square bunch of watermelons, these dudes cost S$50 each. Lucky got no extra charge for touching them.

Next, we'll have hexagonal apples, triangular oranges, cylindrical grapes! How fun! And make no mistake, you must sell each one at $10 a piece, yo. Even the grapes.

Got no law against taking photos in the mart, right?

In the last 5 years, i've been a most faithful supporter of the ACJC rugby team, trudging down, rain or shine, mostly solo after leaving JC, to the Police Academy to lend my screaming mouth to cheer my team on and to snap pictures of the event.
In the last 5 years, the finals always saw THE clash of the titans: ACJC and RJC.

But not this year.

Well, it's not too bad... since... RJC was the team that (still) got booted. Muah hahaha. Go SAJC! (even though you beat my team too. :-< )

Disclaimer: me no vendetta against RJC lah. Just some plain and simplistic old school rivalry.

We interrupt the exam prep with a word of warning to all friends.

A short while ago, i received a call (to my mobile phone) from a financial advisory company asking me if i would like to go down for an interview for the post of financial advisor. They claim to be the biggest or one of the biggest of such companies around which i think is a bogus claim, because:
1. No website at all. A big company and Google Singapore can't even find you?
2. No such name in the Yellow Pages.

So you tell me.

I haven't a clue on HOW they got my contact number, sounding all so very professional and polite.

The best part is, the person on the other line said that the contacts she received was from a head hunting company. Now, please excuse me. I've only worked as a puny part-time sales assistant and now an office staff, which are jobs you would hardly call "professional". The head hunter fella hasn't even spoken to me about switching jobs and now a company is knocking on my door?

*screams hysterically* Waddaya want from me!?

*ahem*

So anyway, please be careful.

The sad thing about humans is that when we chase the things that make our own hearts pleased and our desires satiated, we forget about the relationships around us that matter. Sometimes, it's not a literal act of forgetting, but a willful putting aside of people because of our priorities. Sad, but true. But is it always necessary? Is it really not possible to give up just one segment of our time that we spend doing our own thing (that is not related to serious work) to sustain relationships and continue treasured communication between friends and family?

We don't spend our last moments on Earth thinking about the unwashed dishes and undone paperwork that's due, but what we really long for are the very people around us who ate from those dishes and the people whom we have built meaningful friendships with while working through the good and bad times.

Is this an idealistic fantasy? Not entirely.

Hi people, i've not been killed by an oncoming cement mixer, but i've been swamped by a wave of post examination activities.

The only kink with that is, it's everyone else's post exam time, while me... I just get sucked into it. Bad girl. My first and last paper is on the 22nd.

Off to work! Whee! *wave*

randomology

*giggle*

Something from my psych textbook:

Callum: Is God everywhere?
Mother: Yes, dear.
Callum: Is he in this room?
Mother: Yes, he is.
Callum: Is he in my mug?
Mother: (growing uneasy) Er - Yes.
Callum: (clapping his hand over his mug) Got him!

(Donaldson, 1992, cited in Stevens, 1996)

***

As the 4 people sat to watched the idiot box showing a pretty lady making 2 long scratches on a piece of paper with 2 pictures of rather innocuous objects, one person says: "Ya! You know jie's friend put a tick instead of a cross in the box you know?"

Dad: No, no, no... You must put a tick on the one you want, and a cross on the one you don't want.

-.-"
My fambly.

***

You know you can't cook/need to improve the currently tragic culinary skills, when you attempt to cook one of your favourite dishes only to mess it up so bad that... the favourite dish is not so favourite anymore.

***

I think that i take things way too seriously. It's either that, or i put too stress on myself when i need to perform. To compound things, when everything comes successively blow by blow, i feel like keeling over and dying for a while. For a less dramatic way to escape, i would love to be whisked to some beach (with a guarantee chop to be rain-free) without a single care on my mind, and sip a cool drink with jazz music playing in the background.

Things are not bad, really. It's just the paraniod, easily freaked, easily pressured person that i am that makes me incline more towards being the one ON the couch belonging to a psychologist, rather than being the one LISTENING to the one on the couch.

Communication gripes

I abhor it when people don't take time to listen. They think they know what you're going to say next and interject with a criticism or their point of view on the matter. The bad aftertaste left in the mental mouth really isn't necessary if you would just pay attention for a few more seconds or at least 5 minutes. Is that so hard?

Some others just don't know where to stop. Being over zealous in the bringing across of their passionate opinions, they fail to see that they're upsetting their company, aggravating the already waning effectiveness of the conversation with their one track mindedness and impatience at how and why others don't agree with them.

And then there are those people who don't know the difference between being honest and being tactless. There's a reason why they say that "Honesty is the best policy", and not "Tactlessness is the best policy". You can be honest while being careful with how you put something across to someone. It need not be a pleasant message, but at least you would've done both parties justice if you uphold a level of respect for one another. Firstly, you hold on to your dignity, and secondly, you don't purposefully cause any more negativity in the other person than needed. How the other person reacts, post-discussion, is then really up to them.

Ah, then there is another category of people who are so sensitive about what's being said to them, but are indiscriminately insensitive to other people. Talk about double standards.

Woah. Then there are those... Champion Material type, you know? You take the initiative to talk to them, but they don't bother to reply. But if thy royal highness decides to speak, most of what you see are two nostrils in place of eye contact, or knotted brows above their aristocratic peepers with a royal radiant scowl even a peasant like me would be most blessed beyond compare if i were to behold.

Then there are those who cannot be bothered with you until they need something from you. This is an unfortunate fact of life, and as unhappy as one can be about it, we are all forced to do this at some point or another. It would be too idealistic to keep bonds strong between you and every single friend.

I also find it interesting to note how some people who consider themselves to be "open minded", can actually be the least tolerant of others who decide to have a strong and steadfast opinion on an issue. The irony, man.

How interesting the thought: If we all communicated the same way, would we communicate better? Then, who's to say whose communication skills are best to be adopted? And the list of questions goes on.

As Batty (the, erm, yes, Bat) from the movie "Fern Gully" would say: "AGH!? Huuumaaannn!!! Where? Agh! Agh! Aggh!"
Yeah, as humans, we all can be pretty scary people sometimes.

Just thinking about the run, envisioning the morning sprint, running as a pack of er, women, on the 16th of July makes my heart pound faster so much so that i can even hear the throbbing sound in my ears, feel my face gettng flushed, experience that wonderful tingling sensation of excitement and energy that spreads throughout my living fibres.

Now, if i can just translate and channel my enthusiasm to my fingers and brain to madly tappity tap on the keyboard for this essay question, i would be most pleased.

I know that some of you have expressed your interest in the Threadless.com tees... So, here comes the good noos! They're once again having a SALE! USD$10 a tee. The not so good noos is that the range of choices aren't too varied this time, but still, have a look see and you might find something that catches your attention.

***

G and i have decided to sign up for the Shape Run '06: she'll do the 10km run and me, the 5km. Wheeee!!! She's the seasoned runner so she'll be doing that run while me the newbie dewbie... Shall go see what it's like to pound the roads along with a whole throng of other women (only). I'm sure there'll be loads of intimidating garang and fit runner types clad with an assortment of flashy branded sports attire bounding right by me. Ah well. Training for it begins now. Thanks Polar Running Coach. :-)

This is going to be my first competitive run, er, well, outside of school. I've NEVER been any good at long distance runs and truth be told, i actually hate it. So what's the deal? Guess i just love the exertion, the good sweat and the nice worked-out feeling after a good run (and throw in a gym session too, please will you.) Yours truly, the resident (selective) masochist.

5km is not a ton, i have to agree. So it's not so much of just merely finishing the race that i'm after because i can do that. It's the challenge of running it at a faster pace than i usually would.

Eess going to be sho fun!

Anyone else interested to go run too? Let me know k? :DDDDD
Yes, it's open to women only. And for the really nice guys, you can come and support your female friends by getting post-run ice cold drinks served on a silver (gold also can) platter and volunteer to give massages and a towel wipe down. Face, arms and legs only hor. Oh, bringing a standing air-conditioner and feeding us full, ripe and juicy grapes is optional but we won't mind that either, i'm sure. Thankew! :DDD

Nah lah. I'm content enough to simply mill around in my sweaty attire. I'm gross like that.

And so my life will take on another sphere: Work.

I've got this tendency to take up more activities and responsibilities than i can handle, but i think that this move to accept this opportunity recently is necessary in so many ways, to achieve both personal and future career ends.

It's not full time work, but i quote "very part time", which has the precise work scheme that i need at this point in time.

And thanks so much, you've been such a great help! You know who you are. :-D

And Lord, though i'm going to be doing everything else except seeing clients, still, please help me to be your salt and light, your prayer warrior, your instrument and servant in providing my best acts of service inspired by your Love, to the people around me who need you.

***

My wisdom teeth are pushing their way through! I've heard the wisdom teeth horror stories and have seen my sister look miserable after her dental surgery. I'm only a selective pain junkie so in this case, i sure DON'T want to go through the experience of having them extracted out even if it means a diet of ice cream (!) and campbell soup for days.

Sticking my finger in, i think that my new pearly whites are growing out just fine. Yaaayyeee... =D

"There, take this one", he said as he pointed to the little representative of Life that sprouted from soil-less ground. It was such a pity that the camera couldn't focus on all the textures of each of the subjects.

A quiet and almost solitary practice, i had. Would like a new thumb trigger release which would set me back something like close to, or over 200 buckeroos. *nervous giggle*

***

(sms conversation with sister)

J: I've finally seen fashion's most celebrated and beautiful creation... The Jellyfish Berms!
S: Welcome to the club! Now you have to go wash your eyes with dettol.

please note: sarcastic.

approaching the problem

Big, fearsome, teeth gnashing, flesh tearing, people terrifying, junkyard dog, aka Doberman?

Nah... That's how tiny he really is.

Doesn't he look like something from Star Wars with those twinkly bright eyes? You know, those Ewok thingys.
.
.
.
.

I was once again reminded during cell on Saturday that we need never worry, the simple reason is that the Lord dwells in us, walks beside us. We never need to cry "Where're you Lord?" because he's right here. We only need to humble ourselves, turn to Him and ask, "How Lord, what do you think?"

When we scrutinize our problem(s), they become all consuming, the only subject in our field of vision. But when we choose to trust in God, we then see things using a wider lense, taking the step back and looking at the matter from a macro point of view. You will be struck by the sudden profound difference in your focus. And there is peace in the knowing.

1.
People who jump into relationships one after another as though the previous ones never meant that much, are like quick sand. They swallow up new prey, so viciously, too fast. They don't stop to think very much. But underneath the placid surface, lies a whole collection of death.

Note: the scientific definition of quick sand is nothing like the movie version (which i have adopted) of it. As the scientists say, to drown in quick sand is like "drowning in vegetable soup and the screaming is well, optional".

2.
Friend says she saw an AIA advert and thought i was in it. Hur? Heehoho.

3.
Goodwood Park Hotel is calling me. Ok, not. The durian delicacies are calling out to me. And desperately too. I shall heed them most diligently.

4.
I think my brain wobbles and melts down into blabbery goo when confronted with authority and fear. Not good, this is.

5.
On this day, exactly one year ago, i received a hand written letter (the best way to receive messages, i say!) with the sweetest poem that i've ever set my eyes on. Life changing.

to be continued... maybe.

there were two group photos of my NTU mates originally posted here. but since i'm like a really anal person, i was afraid of the possibility that some of you might object to your face being splashed on the internet.
If ya'll see this, let me know your preferences on that, k? Thanks!

*

Not to scare you off, but I often wonder too. Unseen and regular readers and people who have scoured my embarrassing and hair-raising archives... Hello there!

I was going through my drawer today to get rid of the papery mess that sometimes makes looking for documents a pain, and i came across some really disturbing things i wrote back in primary school.

For a kid with a relatively good childhood (i think), with a loving family and er, was the school bully *gulp* rather than the victim (i'm so sorry for what i did back then), i was a kid full of angst. We're talking about primary school here, hello? What on EARTH was eating at me back then? I think i was probably too influenced by the books i was reading then, one of which was "The Outsiders".

There are and will always be times when i will wonder and wish i had the opportunity to see myself from another person's physical eyes and intellectual point of view. How do others see me, versus the person that i think i am? Given, each person probably has a modified version of who joline is, but still, i'd like to know. What is it that comes to their minds when they see me approaching? Do they experience dread? Yuck-ness? Happiness? Oh-it's-her-er..,-ok-just-be-nice-and-civil-to-her?
Do people really like me for who i am?

I look at myself and see so few attractive points that i always wonder why and how i have friends.

I remember that back in secondary school, a friend told me: "XXX says that you're the bitchiest RGPS girl (in Ghim Moh Secondary School)". I didn't understand why XXX would say that of me, because i never did anything to her and if anything, i usually stayed away from her and her gang most of the time because i knew i didn't fit in with that clique.
Perhaps i will never know the full story, whether it was borne of adolescent childishness or was it really the case that i was actually such an (fill in unsavoury noun).

For all i know, she could be right.

My digging unearthed this msn conversation i had with a friend sometime, i think... last year. Here's a little bit of history in some history:

J: I used to see you as the joker...
S: Hah and you were the ice queen?
J: ME? Ice Queen? *chuckle* Really ah. How was i like back then? I remember myself being referred to as the "bitchiest RGPS girl" *chuckle* I do admit i could've been quite a bitch.
S: hmm.. no u werent. if being smarter and more articulate was wat being a bitch meant back then.. then u were..
S: woah i'd have loved to be a bitch back then too.. cos tt's how i saw you.. i mean.. not the bitch part..
J: HAHAHHAHA
S: Although i did remember someone once say that it takes persistence to warm your frozen heart.. i dont remember who..
J: *suddenly sits up*
S: cos you were a softie nevertheless... well that's what he/she said..
S: hah...
J: How was i an ice queen?
S: u came off as well fierce and cold.. but i didnt see that eventually..
S: i mean... once i got to know you, it was totally different..
S: there stood a smart, articulate, sporty person.. and u always knew when to do what.. hah... u were more than able at being a lady.
S: a strong willed lady might i add..
J: Goodness, you put me in such good lighting. Though i don't feel worthy of it.
S: Hah.. i never quite saw anything wrong.. Sometimes i worried that i wasn't smart enough to be in your presence.. hahaha..
J: Goodness.. i never meant to make anyone or you feel that way.

How subjective, all this human experience is.

***

To my Gem who's been working hard through day and through night, through the harsh sun's heat and the rain's cool showers, through flu and sleepiness and all... I just want to reiterate the fact and truth that you do not labour alone. Going through this time with you, is your bestest friend and Creator Father, Saviour and Counselor. Don't give up! Every hour, minute and second that you've got is precious now.
If anything, let the pressure churn out from you a work that speaks the truth in all its illustrative glory... For His Glory.

newest additions to the wardrobe

above: "MP(3)" by Matthew Flemingabove: "Heavy Medals" by Nick Mahoney

above: "Death by Music" by Jacob Yoon

*Pleased as punch*
The material of the tee is a bit thinner than i anticipated but that doesn't ruffle my feathers at all.
I is happy customer.

narcissism, adrenaline and stress rolled into one happy bimbotic lump

My Threadless.com Tees ARE HERRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE all the way from the US of A! And i fit them all! And i look soooo nice. *banana-ear-to-ear beam* YEAY!!!

My sister watched me prance, hop and bounce around my room in each of them with an idiotic grin plastered on my nerdy face. Muah hahahahah!!! I *heart* Threadless.com

*ahem* Back to research report writing.

Something fishy, this way comes. Ok not really, but i sense a common theme that happens to have strung two incidents together, that is.

1. The thought that held my attention at gunpoint till i blogged it down.
"It's sad that when you do a right and moral thing against the flow of the prevailing influences of dishonesty, people look at you as if you were stupid."
It had no reason to pop into my mind but it did. The next day, i looked back upon the devotional reading for that particular previous day which i had not read yet, and it spoke of the same topic that came to me.

2. The meeting of thought and occurence (today)
While doing something totally unrelated to psychology, the thought of a friend who was working in a psychological clinic (plus other related issues) came to my mind. At around the same time, my phone chimed in an sms which happened to be from said friend. As (insert word of providence) would have it, he told me that there was a vacancy at the clinic to work part-time.

Funny hor?

God? What is going on? I'm gunning for a career related to psychology, not to be a psychic. But then again......... Having a psychic ability would be really good in psychology now wouldn't it.
The term "Psychic" makes me think of gypsies and crystal balls. Or in our Asian culture, i'd think of old folks sitting against a wall in the heartlands with a small table adorned with idols, joss sticks, candles, yellow paper with chinese characters inscribed on them. The works.

At this point in time, I'm sitting here, stalling. What do i write as a next follow up paragraph? I've got ideas flying and circling my head but as i'm reviewing them, i also shoot them down after that with, "No, imagine what opposition i'm going to get if i say that!"
I realise this is an author afraid to say something controversial out of the sheer subjectivity of the matter.
How silly.

Was about to continue when i realize i have better things to do than manage and conduct a furious debating session in my mind. So, toodles!

PS: I saw this guy at Bras Basah wearing a Threadless.com tee called "Death by Music". I bought that one too!!! And i'm still waiting for it. Hmmph. I wonder if he saw a flash of appreciation and recognition in my eyes for the design as i fixed my gaze upon the tee for the 2-3 seconds that i had as we passed each other on the escalator.

I'm going at breakneck speed through my ton of readings which i imposed upon myself (courtesy of my Gold Mine aka The National Library). Not a bad thing really, but it probably means that i won't enjoy the bliss of unconsciousness on fabric and springs under me tonight. Pffft. I always say that, but i end up unconscious anyway and it doesn't seem to matter where i concuss when the moment arrives.

Yes, if i don't continue stepping on it, i'll end up pretty dead.

perfect time for a lesson

O.O

Woah. See that statement below that i made yesterday, about doing the right thing and being thought of as stupid?

I opened today's devotional and was greeted by a related topic: That the world does not mind the Moral Man of this world, but hates the moral Christian. The reason is that because the former relies on his own strength while the Christian relies on God's strength.

The basis for this difference is: The holding onto and the releasing of the Human Pride. When one gives up one's reliance on the self effort, one gives up that pride. To illustrate that: Remember how you had to acknowledge that you didn't understand a concept, decided to humble yourself and asked someone how to solve that math, physics, chemistry, etc, question?

And that's not all the "coincidence" there is. I was doing some research yesterday when that statement from yesterday just bore its way into my mind and grabbed my attention till i had it blogged down.

I didn't read yesterday's devotional but today i flipped back to it and saw the topic for the day: "Hated by the world", the message being, 'the world did not hate Jesus because he pursued opposition or antagonism just so that he could be persecuted, but rather the world hated him because of his absolute purity and holiness'.

What a perfect match in timing!

Which brings to mind that most recent entry that Eugene (see my comrade links) made about being in Mindef also...

O.O

It's sad that when you do a right and moral thing against the flow of the prevailing influences of dishonesty, people look at you as if you were stupid.

Golly! I stayed in this miniscule container for weeks (ok but still within the confines of a sphere too) and the first thing i was expected to do when mommy removed the cover was to pose for the lenses. She trusted that i wouldn't scat so i obliged her. But I'm so HUNGREEEEE! Mommy came home only after i emerged and i've only had oxygen to digest. Sad. :-( But now i'm going to see the big fat world!

I'm sooooooooo gorgeous. I love my big eyes, so perfectly formed. I love myself.

Mommy brought me downstairs to the base of the stairwell to set me free. She took off the container cover and stared hard at me through those strange lenses again and again. I was getting nervous from the weird lighting and a feeling of some impending life changing moment. I scuttled as fast as i could into a nook in the soft tissue bedding, curled into a tight ball and hid there.
Apart from the experience of being squashed in an egg, i've never felt so small... I was so afraid, that i thought maybe if i mimicked that in-egg-squished position, i might regain that feeling of security. My pretty tail was getting in the way though. *mmmfffff*
Mommy sure wasn't placing the cover back and she even began to tug the whole tissue lump out! MOOMMEEEE!!! I kept my newly discovered strong lizardy grip onto the tissue despite her incessent gentle shakes. When i didn't budge, she decided to place tissue, me and all back into the container to let me be.
I guess i knew it in my skinny baby bones that the whole atmosphere had changed... I felt freedom beckoning, i smelt freedom, and i responded in kind. In one fluid movement, i zipped to the corner of the container to poke my head above the rim, paused for a split second to say "bye Mommy!" and i scurried off.
Hello strange world.

*** ***

This is the human talking now.

The next morning, i made a grisly find that was stuck on one of the cloths that draps over our freezer in our home: a dead baby lizard, or rather, a wizard (*was* a lizard, so, w-izard).

All, but a head and spine, was stripped off by some unknown cause. I hope it wasn't you, Barney. I don't know what caused it but i do know that Jed can maul you lizards easy as pie when he can get his predator paws on the likes of things he considers vermins. I set you free for other reasons apart from so that you'll not eat our food in the kitchen and shit everywhere as you please. You know that right?

Assuming it wasn't you, please don't come back.

Yesterday, the sister and i went to pick up dinner at this Fish & Chip shop located around the Greenleaf area. The little shop was tucked in a corner of some rectangular shaped plot of land that someone decided to call a "park": all of one or two grass patches, a coupla italian restuarants and a few defunct looking shops with the metal shutters drawn down. Schweeet.

While waiting for the food after making our take-away order, we decided to gravitate towards and amuse ourselves at one little er, "aquarium", the one that could jolly well be containing the dinner plate subjects: Lobsters, clams, mussels, and oysters.
The signal for the corny jokes to begin was when i asked her, "Why are the oysters all tied up in a bunch like that?" (groups of oysters were tied up into clusters with a green netting with wide holes, but not big enough for an oyster to slip out)

"Well... For company, i guess." she says.

"Oh... Er. Ok." *then jo begins to do a jiggy from imagining how lovely it must for an oyster to be to be able to commune with other oysters even while in captivity* "So! Everybody say "Oei!" (as in, "Oy"-ster, as opposed to "Yo! Yo!") (yes, superbly lame, i know) >.<"

"I could just kill you right now..." sister grimaces in between helpless surrender to my brilliance. *ahemmmmm*

Attention drifts over to the mussels, and we giggle over how one of them was kind of free bobbing, looking rather upside-down, near the surface of the water. (the rest were clumped at the bottom of the tank with the lobsters and clams)
But then the sister noticed how one of them seemed to be caught in the area where bubbles were jetting out from an outlet. It was being pummeled by the jet from the bottom up and it didn't look like it could escape from the "bubble vortex" unless it had legs or paddles to help propel it anywhere else.

"Oh! I know... It's in a jacuzzi!"
"OHH! And it's having its muscles ("mussels") massaged!"

(sister is now drowning in the foam coming out from her mouth)

*turns to sister*
"Eh, don't you want to ask me to clam up?"

*with one last cerebral convulsion, sister fainted*

*** ***

In other news, i'm pleased to say once again that i got a nice number for my social psych essay. I think that my content can be so much better to get that higher grade, but i thank God anyway. :-)

And... Barney has HATCHED! I will post pictures, once this "Error on page" thingy resolves.