It's a constant struggle to not be disappointed with my Christian walk. I expect too much and so i fall flat on my face, turning cynical and sceptical all over again. The emptiness returns and i know that that happens because i run off to do my own thing leaving my Daddy behind, breaking free from his coaching and guidance.

I'm trying to learn what it means to yearn but not to be conditional about how i see my relationship with the Lord. I'm trying to be expectant but not demanding. I see it basically as "patiently desiring more".

It sure isn't easy.

I'm tired of my ups and downs with Him. All i want is to know Him, much more and deeper. I'm tired of searching and guessing, and wondering. How can i walk closely with someone i don't understand well? I hate to put words into God's mouth about what He's trying to do in my life (i never believe in making assumptions and believing in it unless i know for sure), but at this point i wonder if all these heartbreaks in my journey with Him is to teach me the quality of perseverence, a trait i do actually lack in my character.

I've fallen many times, crawled for a bit, and then dusted myself to stand up again. I hurt but i try to walk again. Each time there will always be someone there to tell me to keep pressing in and to keep seeking. But the pain sometimes gets to me and i cry out all the "Why" questions.

I'm waiting for the day when the wall is finally chipped away, when that wretched locked door finally swings open when the key is found.

***

Went through the stock chart on Threadless, and boy am i glad i made a move, and fast. Apparently out of 4 tees i placed my order for, 3 are already out of stock.

Gem and I both got "Prehistoric Freak" and "Biblical Disaster", while i got another two, called "Zombie Donkey" and "Procrastinators: Leaders of Tomorrow".

*rubs hands with glee*

To Mari: The first order is in the process of being packaged and sent off, the second one has only just been received and will be packaged soon.