HAHAH. In the spirit of Information-Retro-Singapore, i am typing this out in the font Courier.

Am doing my research on work trends in Singapore in the national library, and i'm not sure if i am looking in the wrong place but why are the collection of resources on Singapore so old here? The book covers are of designs coming from the 1970s and 1980s, sometimes, there are no designs, just fabric hard covers.

Some of the books are even formed from binding typewritten papers, with the courier font and uneven lines! The alphabets kinda float up and down on an imaginary horizontal line. The imperfaction is endearingly cute.

But most dui of all, is that i cannot find current information... GAH.

I just made the most AWESOMEST codfish dish! I'm SO AWED!!! (k, totally not shy about it. :-D)

Ok, it started with remembering that i had some codfish in the freezer and it was perfect for dinner. Took it out to defrost while i looked for a recipe. I found a fairly simple one, but along the way, i spruced it up.

It's REALLY easy once u already have the ingredients. I would say it's almost idiot proof...

Ingredients (from the website):

cod fish (3cm thick is good)
a few slices of Australian mild cheddar cheese
Sliced fresh tomato
Dill weed (a herb)

Own fridge ingredients (to add some flavour/taste cos the original recipe sounded a bit bland. but i guess if you don't have the ingredients below, salting the fish earlier before cooking might do the trick. But don't overdo because the cheddar cheese will add some saltiness already):

Japanese onion dressing, Mizkan brand
Cayenne powder
Cajun seasoning powder

I used garlic butter to cook instead of the normal kind. To make garlic butter:

Salted butter, Golden Churn brand
Grated garlic
Parmesan cheese
Coarse Black pepper
Oregano leaves

Directions:

Melt 1 tablespoon butter in fry pan. Fry cod fish fast on both sides 1 minute each side. Then put cheese slices and then tomato slices on top (or the other way around is fine). Sprinkle on top with dill weed. Sprinkle own fridge ingredients on top and onto pan (the jap dressing) itself. Cover pan and cook for 15 minutes on low flame. Do not turn fish.

It might look like a lot of work, so, like i said, if you already have the ingredients, you can whip it up in a flash with minimal washing too.

I suggest making the garlic butter beforehand.

Sorry ah. No photos, cos camera is with sister and i ate it up real quick.

:-9 *slurp!*

I notice that the stuff that i "anyhow" cook always turn out the best. While the ones where i plan meticulously and prepare for people usually turn out... Bleargh.

I've not posted much about thanking God for anything recently, but today i will. :)

I don't usually play the first keys for service, but this saturday i got the chance to, so in addition to my usual synthesizer duties, i could play the first keys aka, piano as well. I'd say that skill wise, i'm not as zhai as my other counterparts. My chord theory is quite basic, and my fingers just aren't as nimble as quick as theirs. Which makes me a better synthesizer player because my fingers don't have to move much and i just need to meddle around with sounds and simple or broken up chords. (though as i've mentioned before i think, i've hated the synthesizer since i was a kid)

Contrary to what the worship team in the congregation/choir said which were a lot of positives, those who were serving today (people with the in-ears) could hear all the boos boos, and somehow today, we just didn't seem as tight as usual. Part of me was fearing that part of the reason was because it was my fault for not being confident enough in my playing, for tending to launch into my own rhythm and tempo, or just not being a good enough musician. Especially since it's not common that i get to play both keys.

But underneath the skill part, i knew that i have not been able to worship at home on the piano as often as i used to due to my crazy schedule these days. So that means that i've not had many opportunities to practice and figure out new ways to play. The piano has sort of become a table of sorts. Quite sad, really. Also, I knew that i was playing with a broken heart... Not broken as in surrendered to God per se, but broken because of whatever's been happening in my life. I was like, "God... Just work through me with whatever i have. I really am just going to rely on whatever basics i have. All i have are the simple stuff."

I knew the countless mistakes i made, and so when we wrapped up the service and headed for our team debrief, i was all ready for the firing squad... Though at the back of my mind i was asking God, "God, please, please, i'm ready for the firing squad, but can you just give me some encouragement?"

God being so sweet, really did send people to encourage me... My team's bassist came and said to me that the chosen notes that i played spoke (in a musical sense) to him, it brought him to a place of peace with God. He said, "I saw a picture, of me in a cave, on a lake in a cave. You know, a place of peace, like how everyone has a place of peace with God."

I also got encouragement from my worship leader who said i played well, and another worship leader also gave feedback that the synthesizer patches that i chose were good. He said, "There were some really good patches here and there. Eh! This kind of thing cannot keep to yourself, must share!" Later when i asked him which part exactly he was referring to, he said to go listen to the recording, but he added, "You have this... ability to hear sounds and use them to make them work."

Boy, was i SO encouraged by the end of the night. I was thinking: God. Thank you. I REALLY needed that. Inspite of my so called inadequacies and numerous mistakes, you know the state of brokenness i'm in and what i just needed to hear at this point in time. And you sent people to encourage me, to tell me that You spoke to them through the music played. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

How can i forgive someone and move on with my life if the person in question may not have even repented, may not even be remorseful, may be living a life of continuous lying and deception? RIGHT IN MY FACE?

What's the point of so called being committed to moving on, forgiving, etc, when in the first place, the person on the other side hasn't even settled their side of the bargain.

Don't even think about building ANY relationship with me if you are still involved in your $%^&. As long as you are not clean from your wrongdoing, you're not getting ANY real respect from me.

Recently, we've been going through the topic of honour in church and i'm like. What the.

How do i honour someone who CLAIMS TO BE FOLLOWING GOD BUT IS STILL LYING STRAIGHT TO MY FACE?!?!?!

The very least i am doing is being civil because the person is a human being. That's ALL i can manage.

Just back from my youth worship team camp over the weekend and i had a 12 hour sleep when i got home... I knocked out once i took a shower and had my face mask on. :)

And so i woke up this morning having satisfied the sleep debt, but somehow, my systems still aren't working too well. I keep misreading words and seeing wrong things, for example:

From today's paper on why young people don't use helplines (rephrased): "when i'm feeling troubled (...), i would want to speak to my closet (correct word: closest) friends."

From work schedule: "Jesus (correct word: Jessie) On Leave"

Goodness. Hurhurhurhur...

ARGH!!!! ALL THREADLESS TEES GOING FOR $9!!!

I WANT!!!!!!!

Was talking to one of the church leaders about dress code in church for leaders and on-stage worship team members.

While i totally understand their good intentions for not wanting us girls to wear sleeveless tops (leaders and on-stage musicians and singers), i can't help but feel that it's such an archaic rule in these recent times. It just reminds me of my ex-boyfriend who refused to allow me to wear sleeveless tops when we were together in junior college.

Sleeveless tops are SO normal these days. For me, they are staple because well, it helps me not get ARMPIT PATCHES from all that perspiration! I sweat a lot lor. And it's not as if i am dying to wear revealing clothes. The sleeveless tops i have are SO normal!

I commented to him: I wear sleeveless tops for practical reasons lor.
He shot back: I also wear slippers for practical reasons.

On hindsight, I should have told him that the issue is different. Slippers is a matter of just casting a presentable image. Sleeveless tops is a matter of seduction of the mind and/or having a presentable image. (Anyways, who says that you can't look presentable in a sleeveless top?)

So my question here is: So what is the difference if it is ok to choose to wear sleeveless tops OUTside of church? If the basis for not wearing them is to not stumble people, then we should not wear them AT ALL, for the good of ALL mankind, right?

But just think about it. No wearing of sleeveless tops AT ALL? Till you're like, 70 years old? Ridiculous!

It just reminds me again of how some people blame women for being raped because they wore seductive clothes. Do men not have parts of their brain meant for self control? Anyways, it's not just the clothes, but behaviour as well.. There is truth in saying that if a woman behaves like she wants trouble, then part of the blame is on her, but then again, can you honestly tell me if ANYONE really DESERVES to be raped?

My point here is: Choice. Whose choice? Freedom. Whose freedom? Logic. Whose logic?

***

I've currently taken to eating blocks of chocolate all by myself. hurhur. First, it was a cadbury milk choc and almond block, then it was a hershey's symphony milk choc and almond block, now it is a cadbury desserts creme brulee bar (courtesy of gem's mommy!).

I'm glad i'm meeting V to go jog later.

***

The bible says: "In your anger, do not sin."

Grr... While reversing out of my parking lot at HV yesterday, this driver in a mercedes wanted my lot and REFUSED to let me out because by moving, she would risk the chance that other drivers will get the lot. So she did not budge despite multiple horns from me (upon my sister's advice... otherwise i wouldn't dare and i didn't how know to because i don't know how the feeling of a horn blast is suppose to feel like.). Woah, i tell you. ALL she needed was to move forward a bit, but she NGIAH NGIAH didn't want to move, which meant that I could not move away, which meant that i was blocking the other cars in my awkward position and this caused a mini jam, with 3 cars lined up in front of me and don't know how many behind me.

Thankfully, there was space behind the mercedes to maneuver to allow the other cars to pass by first. Once the road was empty, i managed to drive out.

When we passed the driver, my sister and i were so curious to have a look at who that silly merc driver was. So inconsiderate!!!! My sister and i were quite disgusted.

I realized that quite a huge number of judgemental, angry, insulting thoughts can be generated just by driving and meeting such people on the roads.

Must guard my thoughts while driving man... Cos while it is natural to become angry, i cannot let the anger consume me and allow myself to speak negatvity into other people's lives.

We talked about driving through the hills in the UK, going all the way up to Scotland. AFTER i graduate next year, making it a proper graduation trip for me. Since i didn't get one after my bachelor's. Erm, but with my folks, not exactly all independent and alone.

OH GOOD LORD JESUS, WOULD YOU PLEASE MAKE THIS COME TRUE STILL?

"The rolling moors of Yorkshire, the tranquil atmosphere of the Lake District, the mysterious highlands of Scotland, the ancient forests of Nottinghamshire, the stunning beaches of Wales, the chocolate-box cottages or vibrant cities at the forefront of modernity, the UK has something to offer everyone" - from the ukguide.org

The nature-explorer-photographer-romantic-freak in me is roaring for time to fly by to say hi to the United Kingdom!

To LT: i think we did talk about grad trip together didn't we? Hm... d'you think this is your cup of tea/within budget?

my recipe for yummy garlic spread:

butter (salted)
grate (NOT CHOP!) a bunch of garlic
oregano leaves
coarse black pepper
grated parmesan cheese
MIX EVENLY.

for nice yummy toast = spread onto bread + add pre-cooked/raw chopped onions if you want + fresh tomato slices + cheddar cheese + ham/any other meat (or you can just go vegetarian)

***

PAINTBALL!!!!!!!!!
(all this talk about therapy is happening, but in the form of adventure therapy. haha. organized by the singapore psychological society... Going with La. AM SO EXCITED!)

People's behinds should be fitted with brake lights, like cars.

They would come in handy especially in crowded places such as malls that have shops boasting huge posters with big number discounts.

If my current life could be summarized into a song title, it would be: What the @#$%.

Not only is my workload crazy, if that isn't bad enough, my personal life has to take a beating as well.

Yeah. What the @#$%, is a good song title.

Am i mad at God? No. Am i still dependent on God and trusting in Him? You bet. In fact, God is all the more important to me now than ever before. He is the only one i trust. Because humans can be so damn heinous.

But right now... God is out of the picture. My head and heart is just simply swimming in anger and sadness and i think the amount of poison being generated inside me right now can kill off a few hundred rats.

I need counselling. Pronto.

I want to run away. From school, work. Life.
Just make me freaking disappear.

I feel like crying when i think about my workload.

Does anybody hear me?

a huge part of my schooling life involved around playing in concert/military bands... as i'm listening to persis overture, and gloriosa, i am hit by such a longing to be part of a band once again, playing the alto saxophone as part of a contributing sound to the overall band sound.

gosh.

i miss, like crazy, those days. where can i look for a good and established adult band that won't be THAT particular about whether you'd be a liability in terms of technique and skill, but will just be a group of people who play well and also just want to play because, MUSIC is BEAUTIFUL. Period.

Ho hum.

I think i'm going to sign up for the 10km New Balance Real Run but not the Standard Chartered run.

Tradeelala.

There are times when i'm walking along the street and i think about the amount of work piled up and when i realized how much uncertainty i am facing, how many loose ends i have and tend to forget to address, i begin to visualize myself in my room trying to get an opportunity to cry my eyes out.

I am so stressed.

But when i get home, i am seized by duty and responsibility. I do what i need to. But it doesn't mean it's all ok. I still drag all the frustration about with me at my heels.

Sometimes i just need to let out the frustration to start on a cleaner slate.

Today i came face to face again with something that i wish i did not have to face anymore. But life never says that things are forbidden to go on repeat.

This brings me once again to the often said, corny statements: "Lift it up to God, He'll take care of it.", and, "Don't focus on your problems, focus on God".

Maybe it was easier to do that in the past when some of the problems were "smaller", or more temporary.

But some problems are just... you know. Pervasive. It eats into your personal space. It has slid into and invaded your emotional, physical, spiritual, psychological life. Your EVERYTHING. It LIVES with you. It EATS with you. It WALKS with you. It SLEEPS with you. It's a LONG TERM issue. Not something that would resolve in a few days, with a few prayers here and there, or a few months and then people stop asking how you're doing. No.

We're talking about years.

It's like if a loved one has a terminal disease. If a loved one is living an alternative lifestyle, or a life on the edge. If a husband/wife abuses, or has cheated. If a loved one went missing overseas and there is no news of his or her existence. The future of a loved one with special needs. Suffering the pain of having BEEN abused, abandoned, rejected. There are many other issues that people face. You get the drift.

Because of the problem that just chose to lift its ugly head, though I know all the "good Christian" theories, I am now finding it to be of utmost difficulty to separate the act of focusing on God and lifting it to Him, from, denial. That is, choosing to not look at the problem. Trying to push the worry and pain away. Believing it will somehow. Just. All. Go. Away.

I still tag this as Walking with Jesus, and not Walking away from Jesus, because this IS the process of walking through difficult life lessons with Jesus even when I DON'T KNOW HOW. I can't run away from Jesus just because shit happens.

Like what Jess said on sat which i believe with my heart was a fantastic and true comeback to her friend's statement:

Friend: I'm not a Christian anymore because shit happens.
Jess: Shit happens, that's why, I am a Christian.

This is life and this is starkly real. I don't know how to live like i should. So I learn. I cry. I crawl. I get abrasions along the way. I am stunned, feeling weary, stuck in my thoughts and feelings. And I don't know how to continue this post anymore because i am at a loss for words.

I just know that there is only one way up... I sigh as I say this because i am so human... The one way up is, to pray.

Praying is but merely an action. Anyone can pray. The problems may remain for a while to come, but knowing who i talk to is what brings me to a better state of mind and heart.

i can't stop me

Just when i told van, myself 2 weeks ago and over dinner to joy and denise that i was going to give my knees a break , i was once again bitten by the running bug. Argh. I can't seem to stop myself. Talk about a love/hate relationship with running, a la New Balance advert.

So when i got home from cell group, instead of doing my paperwork, i took out my running gear, went running and got home around 12ish am.

Surprisingly, despite having taken a break from running (though i still did some brisk walking) my body felt lighter than i've ever felt in a long time, and my breathing came clear and easy. I also found that i could keep running, as long as i took it at an easy pace which given was slower than my usual pace that's done along the canal. Still, the physical difference i felt was a 180degree change from when i was actually training purposefully and regularly a few weeks ago. How odd.

A big part of the reason why i took off running at a weird hour (other than that i was hoping to find my mates at holland v) was because of defiance. I told myself that the reason why my knees were feeling weird lately was because i WASN'T running (as opposed to what most people would say... that it is stiff from having injured them so much). Maybe i'm in denial but i really felt like the stiffness was because i wasn't using them.

Well, my knee joints were kind of tender when i got home... There is pain only if i place weight on it without using my quads to support the knee cap area or if i twist it in a funny way. Did some strengthening exercises and stretching. I wouldn't say all is fine and dandy... Looks like glucosamine is going to be part of my regular diet.

I guess i enjoyed my run also because i chose to go off the canal with the marked distance, and instead allowed my body and mind decide how far i wanted to go. So, there was no pressure to finish a certain distance by whatever time, and there were no expectations of how much distance i should cover.

It was just me, my asics (am still not a convert though), the road and feeling light and free.

I digress... When i think about my asics, it reminds me of that funny trip to running lab where i got them. The sales guy and i were talking a whole lot about running while waiting for me (i took 2 HOURS to decide) to choose a pair of shoes from 4 pairs that he recommended to me. And after i paid and left, it was gem who showed me what was typed and printed at the end of the receipt. Sales guy had typed at the bottom: "Really cute smile! =)" No wonder he seemed to be taking longer than usual to process my purchase. Teehee.

It's amazing how close minded/tunnel visioned/under exposed/etc some pastors can be.

Case 1:
"Secondary school kids having sex? No lah! So young, how can they be having sex?"

*ROLLS EYES*

Case 2:
"You don't know about the 3 Ss? How long have you been a Christian? Usually if you've been a Christian for a long time, you would know."
(3 Ss refers to self governing, self sufficient, self ...., it's one of the terms used in the misson field in a particular country)

HELLO?! Not everyone is exposed to missionary work terms ok? How can people equate the length of one's walk as a Christian to whether the person knows about some specialized jargon used. Ridiculous conclusion.

And these are pastors in the age range of 50ish. Embarrassing.

Feel like screaming.

Suicide assessment.
Bookmark verses.
Devotionals.
Report writing.
Journal writing.
Closing cases.
Research.
School assignments now beginning.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am SO STRESSED OUT. STOP GIVING ME THINGS TO DO!

Update 2: I is going to paste triangle on zee car window. And face the temptation of driving around the carpark on my own. Heh. I feel so handicapped not being able to park properly now that i have no poles to help me do things mechanically. Oh well. Practice. Practice. Practice.

Update 1: PASSED. With 12 demerit points. Hurhur. And i got to drive my folks around the carpark at home.... but boy, parking is a #$&#%&##@(#!!!!!!
(no more poles! Dangit!)

***

I want to pass my driving test, i want to pass my test!

(sing song to the tune of "I want to ride my bicycle!" by Queen. I think it's a pretty odd song, but anyway.)