I totally bruised my stomach tonight, having had a Hog's Breath dinner with my lovely coconuts. Ok, i don't know why i called them my coconuts, but, isn't coconut a cute word? Co-Co-NUH-T! Ok, i mean, my NTU cell darlings. Pictures coming up later... It's about 1:35am now and i should be hitting the sack soon cos i'm going to run my second ever 10km (in my life) since last december's standard chartered run.

GEM TREATED US ALL K, ALL ELEVEN OF US! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! *appreciative grin*

Also, i just wanted to say Praise God, because despite such a heavy dinner, although i did get a little bloated from the food considering it was quite a bit, i didn't get the ultra uncomfortable, backache inducing kind of bloatedness that i get from having mild IBS. SO... TATA IBS, SO LONG, FARE WELL, I WANT MY BODY TO CONTINUE REJECTING IBS! THANK GOD!

NB: IBS = irritable bowel syndrome

It's amusing how the "ah bengs" at our usual zhup fan (economy rice) stall always charges my mom more than me though we buy the same stuff. We know this because we bought the same thing on separate occasions and the price differed by 10 to 20 cents.

They like my pwetty youthful face? *hawhawhaw*

Love me, for me. For who i am now. Love me for the real me.

Don't love an idea of me. Don't fool yourself into thinking you love me. An idea is all it is. An idea. And if you love an idea that does not come to pass, then you would've wasted your whole life on someone you did not love.

Don't claim to love me for who i am if you've brainwashed yourself. Stop telling yourself your lies so many times that it has become your 'truth'. Because one day, the truth will emerge, and when the repercussions of that arise, you'll wish you had never lived.

Whenever i take a break from essaying or work, i go over to Youtube and do a search on jazz or blues keyboard... And man, would i be utterly inspired! I learnt to play classical music in primary school and stopped in primary 6 at grade 1. Since i didn't call my old piano teacher back (who is now coincidentally in the same church as me! i only found out this year.), i pretty much became a recreational pianist who loved new age music. I then took up chord music lessons at believermusic and have stuck with chords every since because it's sooooo easy. And besides, playing with chords is found in pop music too. Which is a little more enjoyable and less torturous than classical piano. :-P

But i've grown a little tired of my same old emo chord progressions and "churchy" chords that i feel like it's time to pursue different sounds and techniques. Yeah, so YEEHAH!

I just wish that my piano would magically tune itself back to concert pitch, or that i could go right out and get a digital piano. The tuner guy who came to my place the other time was horrified at how flat my piano is. So flat that he didn't dare to tune it back completely for fear of destroying the strings inside. Too much tension = *PIAK*

Listening to classical music on youtube has made me realize that i enjoy it a lot more by watching the people who make the music a reality. Whether it's piano music or orchestral.

Oh and GUESS WHAT? I discovered.... a VEGETABLE ORCHESTRA! The first one is kind of like an introduction to how and what they do... They look like they're really having a carrot/cabbage/pumpkin/tomato of a time! Take a look see:



Cool BEANS, huh?

my life's reality

Perhaps after you've watched the video, just close your eyes and listen to the lyrics of the song. The song just reminded me of the reality of what Jesus did for me and for all of us, whether or not we acknowledge him or not. If ever you feel like God is far away from you, just think of what he did and let the love of his actions tell you what you mean to him.

"Why" by Nicole Nordeman

We rode into town the other day
Just me and my daddy
He said I'd finally reached that age
And I could ride next to him on a horse
That of course was not quite as wide

We heard a crowd of people shouting
And so we stopped to find out why
And there was that man that my dad said he loved
But today there was fear in his eyes

So I said daddy why are they screaming
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is he dressed in that bright purple robe?
I'll bet that crown hurts him more then he shows
Daddy please can't you do something?
He looks as though he's gonna cry
You said he was stronger then all of those guys
Daddy please tell me why?
Why does everyone want him to die?

Later that day the sky grew cloudy
And daddy said I should go inside
Somehow he knew things would get stormy
Boy was he right
But I could not keep from wondering
If there was something he had to hide
So after he left I had to find out
I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds
To a hill where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from the cross

And it said father why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for my robe?
This crown of thorns hurts me more then it shows
Father please can't you do something?
I know that you must hear my cry
I thought I could handle a cross of this size
Father remind me why
Why does everyone want me to die?
When will I understand why?

My precious son
I hear them screaming
I'm watching the face of the enemy beaming
But soon I will clothe you in robes of my own
Jesus this hurts me much more then you know
But this dark hour
I must do nothing
Though I've heard your unbearable cry
The power in your blood
Destroys all of the lies
Soon you'll see past their unmerciful eyes
Look there below
See the child
Trembling by her father's side
Now I can tell you why
She is why you must die

(video images and lyrics aren't running in parallel in terms of context, but it helps to let you picture the scene)

there are rosy and not so rosy times

Long ago and not too long ago, every time she raises her voice, begins to sound unreasonable, or has a tinge of accusation/highstrung-ness in her voice, or gets annoying in any way, i respond just as hot temperedly like a knee jerk reaction. I had no patience to tolerate what i perceived as nonsense. I would rise to challenge her and an argument would ensue.

These days, whenever she gets into one of those moments, i feel like my world suddenly slows down, my heart beat slows down, my breath gets even. It's not that my brain does not begin shooting out lots of lines to retort back. It does. But i feel my decision making (temporal lobe?) kicking in. And my response? I either dismiss it silently and keep quiet, or, answer what needs to be answered in an even or an emotionless tone.

Life is a lot more peaceful when you choose your battles.

But for him, it's different. It might not be the case on his side, but to me, he always seems to be challenging me. Always being critical, quick to judge. Finding loopholes, rarely encouraging. He makes me feel ignorant, stupid, and youthful in a bad way (as in, "you young people don't know much").

And it hurts. This time, things can swing in two directions. We either have a debate, albeit slightly heated, or, we'd have an argument. These days, the debate happens more often because i try really hard to control my nerves before the situation escalates.

As a kid, i used to marvel at how patient he would be... How he takes a while before he gets agitated, and i always felt safe having him like that. In the recent years though, things have changed. He gets irritated more easily and shows it. I didn't used to be as scared/cautious around him as i am now. He's no monster of course. It's just a change in the dynamics that i've noticed.

this confirms (everyone's suspicions and my own) that i am weird

i was perusing through 2 beautiful wedding websites of two couples i know personally from church.

instead of feeling the fuzzy longing of wanting to be get married too like most girls...

i suddenly feel like i don't want to get married.

It's confirmed.

I'm going to East Timor!

No... not for a holiday per se, but for a short term mission trip. The reality of it hasn't quite settled in yet for some weird reason. I don't even feel like i'm looking forward to it. It's like, i have no expectations whatsoever. But this is my FIRST mission trip EVER, and i hear it's a tough place to begin at. Taking J's experience for advice, i'll set my expectations really low, with respect to the level of creature comforts. I'm pretty sure that i can mentally deal with the conditions, all I just hope for is that my physical body doesn't break down.

I wonder if i should give myself a graduation present in december... A nice and good camera. Hrrmmm. My current powershot G2 is only 4megapix (bad for taking quality videos), and the exilim... has konked out. I don't like the exilim much, except for its conveniently slim body and fast startup. I'm dreaming of an SLR. :-X Highly unlikely that i'll get one around this time anyway, though. Wishful thinking by a mile!

I think i'm going to keep a journal (have got loads of empty diaries to spare) to document this last semester that i never thought would get this busy. School work, workplace work, mission trip prep, marathon and other race preps, other church commitments, and trying to figure out what to do with my life after i'm done with school. I think i'd like to read, and think back upon my experiences because i think i'm going to be and am in the process of being taught a few lessons.

Does anyone have any great ideas on how to pack light and pack smart for a 10 day trip to timor?

***

I'm in need of new CDs. New types of sounds, new genres, new tunes! It's amazing how much money you spend on CDs. You don't feel it because it's a gradual purchasing process. But if you just pick up that CD wallet and assume that each CD is worth around 20bucks... That wallet is worth quite a few hundred dollehs, or near a thousand.

10 CDs = $200
25 CDs = $500
50 CDS = $1000

Scare-ree.

Happiness is when you receive a call at night from a family member who's not home yet, asking if you want some treats (that s/he can get on the way home). Like maybe, fries, drinks, chicken wings...

Simple pleasures. It always brings a smile to my face. And it just tells me that the person is thinking of us, the home, and loving us in the way they know how to.

On a less romantic note...

From when i was a wee kid, to the 20 something year old that i am, i've many fears. One of which is that if a family member isn't home by a certain time, the next phone call that pierces the quiet night will be one from a police officer bearing bad news. I'm serious. I tend to be paranoid over certain things. I guess this is why they say that everyone has a psychological disorder, just to some extent. Nothing clinical, just that we may show some mild behavioural signs.

***

Although i don't have a FYP in my final sem, the load i'm carrying this sem sure feels like i've got one. School readings and assignments, workplace work, exam prep, mission trip prep, half marathon prep, church commitments. *Glug* Am i drowning?

***

For some WEIRD reason, my home has been receiving multiple calls from these people who are trying to sell a food supplement, some royal jelly thing. I do not know HOW they got our number, and they just keep calling every other day. They're usually kind of polite, all of them have strong indian accents (i don't know why! beats me...), a bit pushy, but if you are firm they'll let you off the hook. My phone caller ID registers the calls as "out of area", meaning not within Singapore (or do they not want you to know where they are calling from even if it's within Singapore?), which makes it all the more puzzling to me.

Do any of you get these calls too?

The next time one of them calls, i think i might try a couple of things instead of cutting them off to tell them that i am not interested:

1. asking them where they are calling from, where they got my contact, ask why i get so many calls
2. mention... the police? (hurhur)
3. after the most recent call, i had a sudden thought. why not attempt to share the gospel instead? hurhur.

***

The few most enduring mild swear words in Singapore are, "wa lao (eh)", "shit (or crap)"

***

Ran 8.1 km today. I'm surprised at myself, since the last time i ran was last tuesday and i only hit 6.6 - 6.8km. I felt my leg joints getting wary by the time i hit about 5+km, but i knew i had to discipline myself to keep going. If at any time i lag for a week, or fall sick from now till december, it'll be extremely tough to tackle the half marathon lah. Especially since i'm not really a running person.

But it's so painfully boring though... Thank God for mp3 players. I used to run without any kind of distraction. You know, just me and the road. But after trying it once after much persuasion from gem, i think i see why he's so insistent. I don't want to be reliant on it, but it seems that i'm en route to just that!

Our 2nd year anniversary is today!

No fireworks or great plans. But just a loving boyfriend who despite feeling flu-ish, plugged up his nose and journeyed to the west (he lives on the other end of the island) to come see the busy me who has been stuck at home essaying with a sort-of-writer's-block.

He brought me 3 stalks of purple lilies and they're awfully PRETTY.

He came despite being all prepared to leave after just a few minutes. I thought that was silly and told him that he's welcome to stay around longer. So, we pretty much had a nice (porridge) dinner with my family in front of the telly and then spent a quiet hour or so in my room with each of us doing our own stuff.

Nice and simple day, for which i have gem to thank for for taking the trouble to come all the way. Otherwise, we would have spent our 2nd year doing nothing again! HA. Thanks dear. =D

A meaningful dinner.

I had dinner with two of my youth pastors the other day, and boy, did i upload a lot of information from them. Rats, and if only i could remember everything they said! I'm not going to go into detail, or get emo, but this is all i can remember and probably all i should (try to) remember.

1. "Enjoy the moment":
I will never have the experience or know-how that an older person/professional has. So stop putting so much pressure on yourself to gain man's assurance. The best you can do, is to do your best. "If you are satisfied with what you accomplished for the day before you go to bed, sleep. If not, get up and pray". I'm young. So what? God already said, to never look down on the youth. He doesn't! So, which is more powerful? Man putting their trust in you, or God putting His trust in you?

2. "We reflect the realm/reality that we are most aware of":
If we are living in the reality of the world, then our thoughts and actions reflect what the world calls for. But if we live in the reality of the spiritual realm, we are brought to a different level where we see that spiritual workings are cranking in situations around us. And when we look up to God, our thoughts and actions will reflect the heart of God. And that is how we should live as Christians.

3. "Don't try to be someone you are not":
All too true. You were meant to be who you are, and you have your own special area of expertise.

4. "You don't need to take the responsibility to make a conversation work":
Self explanatory.

5. "Some things can be learnt":
You can hone a skill, and sometimes your circumstances, like your job, can help you do that.

This's all i can squeeze out for now!

The boy cooked lunch for me! (backdated post from 11th Aug '07)

The raw pacific dory fish to be seared to perfection!











He bought me one of my favourite mushrooms.... Portabellos. Ooooohhh, yum. :-D








The Cook









The Cooking Cook










Fish and mushrooms are almost ready! Joline was salivating by then. Deliciously tasty, soft, juicy, boneless fish fillet. Oooh man!







Taken by the window for natural lighting. And yes, he bought me roses. :-D Cheesy grin and all. Teehee.










On the plate: fish, bread with olive oil, romane lettuce, mushrooms. On the side: Oreo choc with wafer, choc cake and grape juice (not wine). Absolutely scrumptious!






I am sooooooo fortunate. :-D

Hey people!

Man, it feels good a day after a run at MacRitchie Reservoir. Gem and i took a took slow run through Prunus and Petai Trail (two and maybe one quarter times = 6+ km) yesterday afternoon. A mix of trail through the jungle and then the boardwalk along the perimeter of the jungle which was uber shiok.

It was a good change from running along my usual park connectors. Smelling rich earthy fragrances, feeling sticky and sweaty in the humid jungle, feeling my shoes crunch and grip onto the pebbles and stones, being careful not to twist an ankle and hurt the knees, seeing monkeys and one little baby monkey, lizards, people feeding the fishes, going uphill and downhill, hearing the jungle sounds and feeling the cool breeze along the boardwalk portion of the route, gazing across the vast reservoir in the evening... Beautiful. =D

Much thanks to Gem for just being there with me and killing the boredom while running (he suggested strapping a DVD player to his back next time so that i can watch along the way), keeping to my pace and staying behind me, (which can be difficult for a guy, cos i run very slowly. teehee.) being our camel by carrying a waist pouch with Pocari Sweat in it, and tolerating my very unpredictable moods that varied with how irritated i was with my mp3 player headphones that kept dropping out from my ears, as well as whenever i was feeling the burn (when speed is too fast or when going upslope). *sheepish* He's a very good partner. :-D

I had a big reward after our run! He whipped out kinder bueno (LOVE!) while walking to the bus stop, and we got to eat the famous prawn noodles at Adam Road, the fruit juice special as well, and we got to try the Serene Centre Creme Brulee (at some French "restaurant". It wasn't really a restaurant, more like a kitchen. Yeah, a French Kitchen.). Rather pathetic in serving size though, this creme brulee, but in a way, i didn't care because i've been having a creme brulee craving for yonkity donks.

I can't wait for the new balance real run! Whoopee!

OHOH OH...

Who wants to go rock climbing?
And blading? (Alina has asked me for the 2nd time already!)
And night riding (bicycle) ? (i understand that parents may not like the idea of this one though)

AHHH!

***

For some reason, i dreamt that i was running through Marina Square, for the fun of it as well as looking for something... And then. As dreams are queer, another scene i had was that i was going to begin a sprint on the 100m stretch on a 400m track with a few friends. One of whom was Chen Qing, an old secondary mate who is a SUPER fast runner. If he had been talent scouted, he'd make good in a 4 x 100m sprint team for sure!

I don't understand why i keep having dreams of people whom i hardly associated with at the moment.

It's so hard to fight through challenges while knowing and accepting that at this tender age you do not yet have much knowledge or experience. There are expectations to be met and you feel as if there is no choice but to pressure yourself into producing something "out of your league", even though it sounds impossible.

But if i did something less than expected, though within my capability, would people be forgiving and understanding enough to see the realities?

***

I think, i *think*, i know for a fact that my heart lies in the social work/counselling arena. It is about one of the very few things that have been a constant beam of light in my life and that makes my heart and mind tick. I guess... this would be my passion and where i shall head towards after all the schooling is over.

So, have i FINALLY narrowed down my choices? To clinical psych or counselling psych? Looks like it. I'll take one final look at my range of choices and start on my applications. God, please lead me.

Thanks to KL for helping us take our post race smiles!








On the way to the benches to prep...
Issy: Hey, what's your number? (takes out number tag)
Jo: (takes tag out, flaps it open...)
Issy: EH!
Jo: EH!
Jo and Issy both stare at our number tags and burst into girly giggles. HAHA! Well, we did sign up for it together, at the same time after all. But still... Cool beans!


The run was really "energising"<-- i quote Yeanni, and i am UBER PROUD OF THEM FOR FINISHING THE RACE IN GOOD TIME AND GOOD SPIRIT! WELL DONE! The run was surprisingly easy! I think the main reason for this was that i started out real nice and comfortable, for around 2.5km. Which i did not realize, primed by body well for the 2km or so dash to the finish line. Ok, i'm going to need a pacer for my next run, a person to keep me running SLOWLY! I tend to start off too fast (which is relative to my subjective meaning of "fast". guys, i am NOT a fast runner hor) and end up feeling the burn too early than i would like.

(to Gem: i think that with the length of your stride, you'll be strolling beside me man... for all our trainings and during the 7km leg of the NB real run)

I think the trainings at the good ole park connector strengthened me mentally, while the sheares bridge run (which was a little punishing, running part of the way with two guys) was a physical kick in the butt to get me ready for the 5km. Running that 2 km park connector length is SO BORING, and as Issy puts it "it seems never ending". So when you get to run throughout town with the changing and not-too-familiar scenery, you get to really see the distance you've covered and how far you've actually ran.

Muah hahhaa, i am slowly psychoing the ntu cell girls into going for runs with me! *rubs palms with glee*

Shape Run's happening tomorrow morning....! Planning to reach the esplanade between 6:55 to 7am. This year, i'm going to have 2 friends with me so i won't be as lonely as i was last year! I remember thinking to myself how sadly-amusing it was to walk through citylink alone, while all the other girls around were waiting for friends, or were walking in groups or at least pairs.

Hopefully i'll have some pictures from the event. Yowza!

Mm, got to get ready my tag number and race attire.

The little toddler took one step too far, not negotiating the depth of the next step on the cement stairs. He toppled, head over heels over his little feet onto the ground, pampers and all, head just slightly grazing the next step after the one he walked off.

I advanced forward with a stricken look on my face, thinking in a frenzy: AH! AH! AH! Pick him off the ground!

But before i could even touch him, a lady who just finished her exercise with her husband at the nearby canal rushed forward to lift the child back unto his feet. I didn't stop to gawk so i went on my way, but not without observing for a moment and listening in wonder and awe...

The lady had propped the little boy back onto his wobby legs and with a firm voice full of strength, assurance, safety and loving authority, she placed her right palm against his tiny chest, looked at him straight in the eye and said, "You're ok. You are fine. You. Are. Ok.". And i saw his look of confusion, shock and pain slowly ease away from his face, and sure enough, he didn't burst out wailing.

The boy wasn't even her son but you could sense that there was such a respect for other people's young and a "dutiful" love for serving someone else. You've just got to love maternal instincts. Wow.

How Could You?

How Could You? by Jim Willis

A man in Grand Rapids, Michigan took out a full page ad in the paper to present the following essay to the people of our community. It really touched my heart and i hope it will touch yours too.

"When I was a puppy, I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. You called me your child, and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend.

Whenever I was"bad," you'd shake your finger at me and ask "How could you?"-but then you'd relent, and roll me over for a bellyrub.My housebreaking took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed and listening to your confidences and secret dreams,and I believed that life could not be any more perfect.

We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs," you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day.Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love.

She, now your wife, is not a "dog person"- still I welcomed her into our home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her. I was happy because you were happy.Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them, too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how I wanted to love them, but I became a "prisoner of love."

As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears, and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them and their touch-because your touch was now so infrequent-and I would have defended them with my life if need be. I would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams, and together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway.

There had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that you produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me.These past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. I had gone from being "your dog" to "just a dog," and you resented every expenditure on my behalf.Now, you have a new career opportunity in another city, and you and they will be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You've made the right decision for your "family," but there was a time when I was your only family.

I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter. It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the paperwork and said "I know you will find a good home for her."They shrugged and gave you a pained look. They understand the realities facing a middle-aged dog, even one with "papers." You had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed "No, Daddy! Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him, and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life. You gave me a good-bye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meet and now I have one, too.

After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago and made no attempt to find me another good home.They shook their heads and asked "How could you?" They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago. At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it was you- that you had changed your mind-that this was all a bad dream ... or I hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me.When I realized I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate, I retreated to a far corner and waited.

I heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day, and I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully quiet room.She placed me on the table and rubbed my ears, and told me not to worry. My heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a sense of relief. The prisoner of love had run out of days. As is my nature, I was more concerned about her.The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her, and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood. She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her cheek.

I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many years ago. She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured "How could you?" Perhaps because she understood my dogspeak, she said "I'm so sorry." She hugged me, and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure I went to a better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have to fend for myself-a place of love and light so very different from this earthly place.

And with my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail that my "How could you?" was not directed at her. It was you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of. I will think of you and wait for you forever. May everyone in your life continue to show you so much loyalty.

By Jim Willis 2001

A note from the author:If "How Could You?" brought tears to your eyes as you read it, as it did to mine as I wrote it, it is because it is the composite story of the millions of formerly owned pets who die each year in American and Canadian animal shelters.

Anyone is welcome to distribute the essay for a noncommercial purpose, as long as it is properly attributed with the copyright notice.

Please use it to help educate, on your websites, in newsletters, on animal shelter and vet office bulletin boards. Tell the public that the decision to add a pet to the family is an important one for life, that animals deserve our love and sensible care, that finding another appropriate home for your animal is your responsibility and any local humane society or animal welfare league can offer you good advice, and that all life is precious.

Please do your part to stop the killing, and encourage adoption.

***

Needless to say... i ran over to Jed, cried and told him i wouldn't ever do that to him. :-S

just to share a thought and opinion. mostly for the girls.

I used to be very affected by what i saw in magazines. Toned and slim women, with long limbs and glowing skin. No thanks to the 6 months subscription to Shape magazine. But after a while, i began to see that i can NEVER be like what i see in magazines because i am basically just not biologically born to have what they have! Simple as that. The best that i can do for myself, is to simply take care of my body, and just work it out to the best that it can be. And i've to accept that it will not be "perfect", still.

But you know what? Although i said that i've come to understand that i can only reach the best of what my natural body can offer, it does not mean that i must/will(all the time) attempt to do so.

Why? I am aware of the dangers of following trends and pleasing people. Because of my stand of what is truly important to me, I screen my motivations for wanting to have "the best that my body can be". Am i working my body so that i can meet the standards of what beauty is in society? Or am i working out to feel better about myself? Or am i doing it for my health? etc.

My point simply is this: Chase after what is truly beneficial. Don't chase after things that are temporal and superficial. And even if you do, somewhere, somehow, you will still need to find that peace within yourself, ABOUT yourself and your identity.
Do not hanker after impossibilities that will only leave you disappointed with yourself. Know reality and know where you stand.

Nobody said that i must follow and live up to what the world deems as attractive. I refuse to allow such standards to seep into my head to make me feel insecure.

Think about this:
In the past, fat women were considered erotic. Today, slim and less voluptuous women have taken over the stage. As you can see, the image and what constitutes beauty changes with time and social context.
So, what if one day, the fashion trend of being fat comes back again. Are you going to follow that trend? (think about your health)
Likewise, if the benchmark for skinny-is-beautiful skyrockets, shall we all become anorexic? (mind your health!)

My point is: Is it sensible to follow everything the world tells you to do?

If my values are not rooted in the world's, then the world cannot really hurt me too much with all its demands.

Which is why i do not purposefully or take it to heart that i MUST reach the best that i can. Because i know that in time, if i let superficiality sink into my mind and reason for my goals, i know that when the day comes when i can no longer upkeep what i desire or if i feel challenged by others around me, i will sink into pointless depression. Now, we don't want that, do we?

This can also apply to other areas in life. As long as a building is constructed on foundations of sand, it will crumble like a stack of cards the minute a storm comes.

So what/who/where is your firm foundation where you can ground all your beliefs, opinions, values and principles?

Grarrrff. No pictures from our sheares bridge run yesterday. Hey, i was out there with two strapping young men who'll think i'm a nut/crazy bimbo if i whipped out my camera to snap pictures. I didn't want to super pai seh myself in front of them, ok?

My conclusion from yesterday's 6km: I NEED MORE TRAINING. Not so much as to get a better timing, or to fulfil any expectations/requirements... But mostly to GET INTO SHAPE FIRST! The timing and all that can come later. I've been doing my weekly walks and little runs but no full fledged training, due to my schedule and other committments. But as a result of that, my knee started to hurt halfway and my right calf began to experience the beginnings of an ache that felt like it might've gone into a cramp if i exerted myself more. I don't really know what it was since it didn't get worse, but i slowed my pace and made sure i moved to the left of the road to anticipate the chance that i may have to stop. Despite being able to jog all the way, I've NEVER had such ailments during my runs before! This goes to show that i was ill prepared.

Running long distances is not my passion. I prefer sprinting, like for 100m, which is my pet distance. ;-> Running long distances is something i do out of necessity for my health, and for the challenge and because in general, i like sports. While there's an element of "for fun" in running, it's not really my idea of fun (fun would be something like archery, shooting...). I run, well, also because logistically it is simple and it doesn't require me to bug anyone.

In preparation for a potentially punishing ordeal, a.k.a new balance real run (read: real torture), i'm going to plan out a schedule where i'll train at East Coast: on road and on sand. I've got to. As for trail training, i guess Bukit Timah Hill will be it. There go my sundays and maybe some saturdays. Strangely, i think the part i'm already hating most as i write this isn't the training but the travelling hassle to my destinations. Teehee. Where're the teleportation stations?!

I don't know how i'm going to do this, but i can foresee that my self discipline is going to be stretched beyond the norm. Now, to plan my training.