One of my favourite times are always when the cell mates come over... Eat, sing song, laugh, talk, make music. It's always a pleasure to have them around. But this saturday (today)... *rubs palms* We're going to have something extra.

Board Games Night! Who's GAME?! (pun intended)
Ok, technically, we've only got one board game, because thanks to C, we've got Balderdash! Seems like Taboo and Balderdash are staples for the youth in my church. Don't know why also. *shrug*

So far, we've got Taboo, Balderdash, Uno, and er... poker cards.

I cannooooot wait! fun fun fun fun fun...

Ok, me go do lab report now.

*skips off*

Mentally, i'm tired. Tired of doing assignments that come at me non stop, tired of having to always be worried about when i can finish an essay, whether i'll have time to engage the next one and do well for it. I'm so tired that i've gone into a premature holiday frame of mind. Please God, fish me out from this, because if i'm going to continue wallowing happily in my cool mud patch under the bright cheery sun, i'm doing to die a very horrible sunstroke death.

What i would give, short of paying someone to do my report for me, to begin studying for my exam paper. Yes, i'm begging to be allowed to study.

For once to be able to be free from sitting in front of my computer screen, having my mind split into two, with one side pleading with the other to get down to business while the other side (the slacker side) of my brain makes monkey faces at the serious side.

I've already decided to sacrifice my band jamming session tomorrow just so that i can buy more time for this lab report that's equivalent to a module examination.

On a brighter note, for the first time i actually got to play the first keys (not my usual synthesizer, a.k.a the second keys) during a congregational (overnight: 11+pm to 6am) prayer meeting. Well, of course i didn't play for the whole slot (2am to 4:50am) during which my band was on. I only took over when the first keys player went to take a break.

But in that short span of time when i got my go, i had the experience of having to play the musical backdrop while the congregation mass prayed, and also had the experience of playing while a lone person went up to the front to lead the congregation in prayer. And get this: On my own, without any guitar backup, synthesizer or anyone! I was like: HUH?! WAH?! Er... Ok, i'll JUST DO IT.

Verdict:

1. Being thrown cold into a situation like that really made me face the "musician's stage fright". The only experience i've ever got playing in front of people/public is:
Either playing the synthesizer during service OR, leisurely playing the acoustic piano at home.

2.
FUN! I'm actually new to the synthesizer (but i play it because it's the role my worship leader assigned me to), so to finally play the first keys, something i'm more trained to do, was just so liberating and scary all at the same time.

FUN! To learn to listen to the voice tone, volume and even words used by the speaker to determine what exactly would be suitable to play as well as how loud or soft. Not forgetting to be sensitive to the moment(s) and play accordingly.

3. Didn't think i did bad. But i've got more to learn if i ever want to be a permanent first keys player. For now, the synthesizer is all my current level of brain-fingers dexterity can handle. Sadly. Boo.
Note: It's not that i think that the synthesizer is any less of an instrument (though i used to think that way... Honest!) but it's just that for all my life i've been playing the piano and figured that it's only useful that i make good use of the skills learnt over the years and the money spent on getting the training. That said, i believe that playing the synthesizer is what i should be doing at this point in time.

Still, i was grateful to be given that small window of time, and i made sure that my pastor knew how i felt. Because in those moments, i was blessed with the opportunity to have some sort of summary of what playing the first keys is like. Furthermore, i felt encouraged by my band mates and pastor who gave me their approval. I'm not saying that i really did well, but personally it meant something to me that they noticed and approached me with such kind and sincere words. :-)

I'd love to have a studio in my home, like a cell mate of mine. Gah! Her home is so musician-friendly, it's unreal... Wouldn't it be gorgeous if i could own a sound proof studio equipped with amps, cables, keyboards, guitars (acoustic, electric and bass) and mics and drums. *drool*

I decided to take a look at my collection of drafts and i was quite taken aback to discover that my own voice was shushed by my own censorship board, resulting in drafts written and stashed away in cold storage for as long as 2 years.

For the fun of it, i shall pluck some of them out (never before published), modify it here and there and publish them. I kinda wash my hands off some of these old posts' stances because they were written at a time when the mind was going through a different stage altogether.

***

20th May, 2005.

It feels a little strange. Ok fine, i agree that even the plainest, most OBVIOUS things in life amaze me. And to everyone else, it's: duh.

It makes me feel oddish inside how when a universe constructed by two people in love can become utterly and completely shattered and destroyed. And then comes along the next significant other who you begin to build a new universe with.

You know... how a "universe" can be so self sufficient, with everything you could need and want inside it. But when the time comes when it becomes dissipated molecules, everything special you had with the person "no longer exists". Meaning, it should exist only as memories/lessons/etc, but it shouldn't be something you dwell and harp on emotionally and psychologically like it is all you ever know or think about or live for. Neither should it be the place where you run back to to seek solace. It is no more, we live in the present, so get a grip.

And when a new person steps in, it feels as if the newcomer is intruding into that shattered universe, looking around and picking up the pieces and trying to fix it together, but infusing a whole new twist to it. Personalized to create something new, and "adulterated", although that really IS a normal next thing to happen.
But it feels like, "snatching". You know... like something bad.

Feels as if you're doing a very nasty injustice to the other party of the shattered universe.

But i'm just saying. So yeah.

Having been born into and brought up in a Christian family for all these years, going to sunday school and now attending cell group and serving in church and all... it's a big shame that i've not read the bible once through cover to cover. I'm not saying that length of time is equivalent to how many times i've read the bible or how well i know it.

But when i bring that up, i'm saying that i realize that at some point along the way, surely i should have been convicted to read it because the simple truth is that it's God's word, and if i really do love God, i'd be hungry in my soul to know, to learn, to do, be and to live.

Being completely honest with myself, my confession is that i've never felt an urgency to read it because i was too tired and jaded to read a book that although looks deceivingly small (at least my NKJ version looks small), it's filled to the brim with tiny words all compressed together in a brain numbing lump... What with the selection of stories of certain individuals and empires in history, and a lot of other bizarre events.

The devotional (a guide book that brings one through verses and to learn lessons) that i was also using for years didn't really give what i was "assigned" to read for that day much meaning, as each day's "lesson" was so distant to me, too deep, too shallow, too fleeting. I saw it all as mundane, excruciating, boring, impersonal.

My walk was often a tiring mountainous one, with sudden high and lows. It was soaring and dipping too much that it became painfully difficult for me to handle: Heartbreaks would happen all too often. I often reached peaks that never lasted and that i knew would not, and those expected times when i crashed and burned, turning my face away angrily, becoming cynical and bitter.

I'm not sure if i've mentioned this in the blog, but i've mentioned this to close ones:

Things have since changed because i've learnt, that the walk isn't meant to be that way. We don't run on emotions, signs and wonders. We run on faith, trusting in and living out God's word.

Life may be the one that throws us around pretty rough, but it is the walk that remains constant, a steady and stable trek. Our walks can only get better when we keep persisting and pursuing. God already promised never to leave us, so it dwindles only when we choose to allow it.

Assimilating this understanding through ministry and my own experience, i have come to finally receive a sense of peace and confidence in God. It feels as if a code has been broken, and that i've gained a precious treasure that i now possess. It settles deep inside my being for safe keeping, and for good. And because of that, i've come to learn about and experience God in ways that i could never have done in the past.

And so, I no longer doubt like i used to. That was one of biggest barriers in my walk, and it has now been overcome. If you were to throw me intellectual debates about my faith, i'll be honest and say that i can't answer nor account for all of history's controversies and questions about God and his ways. (I don't like theorizing on God's behalf and spreading what i think is true.) But yet, i know that my faith in Christ Jesus, in God, will not be shaken.

I wonder if God's trying to gently tell me something at the moment...

For months (it began somewhere at the beginning of this year), i've been having something tell me that i need to read the bible once through. I wouldn't say that "duty" is the motivation, rather it feels more like a gentle but persistent beckoning.

I've not heeded this feeling, and while it has not exactly escalated through the months into a jo-you-better-do-this-right-now threat, i've now begun to feel a sense of holey (or "holy"? haha...) emptiness borne out of an unmet desire and yearning. I'm actually... Beginning to feel an additional WANT, a DESIRE, an INTEREST in reading that wordy book. (new king james version leh. *gulp* Think i'll read my new international version student's bible instead)

I find this all very intriguing because for those of you who know me, you'll know that i don't like reading very much since the days when academic reading killed my patience for reading.

During the times when i open my bible to the new testament, i would encounter the words in red ink (the words that Jesus spoke personally) and find that i hang onto every word he says and delight very much in them all. Not that EVERYTHING he says convicts my soul and breaks me down into tears like some rhema effect thingy but it's more like he's speaking out to me, and to us all, transcending space, time and history with his loving (and sometimes loving rebuke) words that are still refreshingly relevant and filled with wisdom and truth.

I guess this is going to be a new phase i'll be going through, for God to mature me and my walk with him, to teach me stuff. I had better listen and obey. So exciting... :-D

As the bible says, God will continue to mould those of us who love and live for him into the person he wants us to be and he will complete the good work that he chose to begin. Isn't that just beautiful? He cares about tiny little beings like you and me among the billions. In fact, he cares for every little one that make up the billions. :-) Sweet.

Jed's dog run trip, my first dog run trip.

My current toilet book (heh) is The Da Vinci Code... I can't say very much about it yet content wise, but this i can say: Reading fiction books is suddenly a very alien concept to me.

I began reading the first page and the immediate thought that hit me was: How come the writing is so easy to read? Why is it so descriptive? Why are the words and sentence structure so easy to understand?

*sigh* Yes, academic textbooks have been the only reading i've been engaging with for a long time so much so that my mind has been conditioned to accept unpleasant complexity/difficulty as part of the whole experience of reading.

Which is rather sad because it killed my love for reading, a lovely pastime and luxury i had since i was a kid who devoured Enid Blyton and Judy Blume books like a locust attack and then moved on to savour science fiction books.

***

24th September, 2006. Finally, a perfect, rainless sunday afternoon.

Woo? Wot's in there?

It's me! JED! I wonder where they're taking me... I hope no more doctor's visits and jabs in my butt. But i'm happy! I'm going OUT of the housee! *AHROOOO!!!* And if you look closely, you can see a bit of my smile! *toothy grin*

Mommeee? What do i do? I'm off the leash, you mean like for real?

Hm... You big, handsome siberian husky. *sniff?*

(Jo says: Oh, this dude saw a piece of food in my hand that was meant for Jed and he sat before me like i was God.)

Doing the Dogwalk.

*Sigh...* I'm just so contented and it's such a beautiful day to run free. *toothy doggy smile*

Thanks Mommies.

(Jo says: This german shepard was walking all regal and stately beside its owners on a leash, but i PROMISE it was looking at all the other dogs with this look in its eyes: Food. Morsels. All. Of. Them. I. Want. To. Get. Some.)
But looks like a little guy got to check him out under there first. Hmmmm...

(Jo says: Just one of the many visitor dogs that would come by to say hello to my sister and i. (sister's leg and elbow)

( Jo says: Oh, and while i was sitting on a log, this dude kept coming by to butt his head against me and lie down on the grass against my legs. Sweet furry pooch.)

(Jo says: Since he was such a cute fella and the other dogs were too busy socializing, i gave Mr Golden Retriever a piece of beef jerky. The piece was too small (it was meant for small dogs like Jed) but Mr Golden Retriever lapped it up eagerly from my hand and it promptly slipped out again from its mouth and fell onto my knee in a sad slobbery lump.)
The photo's a bit dark because i took it when it was fast approaching night time. Yes, i forgot the night mode function. -.-"

(Jo says: Pretty picture i got of the log i was sitting on and its fungus friend.)

unfeeling

I was reading the postcard sized messages on PostSecret, and came across this one that speaks of something i would dearly love to experience too. It goes along the lines of "One thing good about getting old is that you no longer care about what others think of you. I am free!"

If i were to compare where i am now on a continuum? I'd say i'm still a teenager in this respect.

***

13th of September, 2006.

As i'm typing my stuff, i'm aware of the slight lack of feeling in the tip of my left middle finger and often times i would turn up my palm and inspect my fingers. The skin on the tips of my left fingers other than my thumb are kind of chewed up looking, with the skin at different stages of peeling. Every time one layer comes off and new skin is revealed, it wouldn't be long till the new skin turns hard again and begs to be peeled off. My fingers have accustomed themselves to this cycle.

Funny how you need to have little or no feeling or sensation to do something better, to negotiate a job more efficiently. I'm talking about playing the guitar of course.

But as humans, have we consciously or unconsciously practiced a form of emotionlessness like this to view our world, our work, the people around us, our pain, just so that we can remain sane, to function at our optimums to get past as unscathed as possible in our life's journey?

It serves a good survival function but does that make us look ugly and chewed up as well? (i know i said unscathed earlier, but you get what i mean.)

Perhaps at an operational level, most of us can allow ourselves to feel only so much lest we become overly disillusioned. (Another question: Is there anything to be disillusioned about firstly?) So you might say that this's a necessary form of protection. Maybe.

But even if my finger tips are now hardened and immuned to the pain that once made me wince, my soul tingles with pleasure as i strum and savour the rich notes that rise from the resonance of string and guitar.

I suppose we'll still go about the hum drum of this life because we cannot control everything there is. But maybe, just maybe, when the time and season is ripe, we can choose to put down our reasons and rationalizations, our fears and pain, our insecurities and vulnerability, to let a side of us open up to breathe, to soften, to appreciate, to think, to do.

A note to you my friend(s):

I'm not saying that you're guilty, but i just want you to know that i've noticed something(s) and i'll be very, very watchful. Because if you step out of line, or show signs of tethering dangerously near the line, you're going to be confronted by me. I may be blur, but there're some things that even the antenna of the blur queen can pick up. I do this not because i like to dish out righteous advice, but i do this because i care.

***

I just looked through my classmate's Friendster page where he updated his photo gallery. WEDDING PICS!!! OH! OH! OOHH!!! Fun! My head went all glucose filled... You could see that it was such a beautifully joyous occasion, with everyone's face just glowing radiantly! Must be the contagious elation passing around. If i can coo (madly) over just a few pictures of the wedding of new friends (from school), i cannot even begin to imagine what havoc or hyperventilation i might end up creating or having on FSH's wedding/ROM day. Which is like, early next year?

I can feel myself already getting excited, like there're a hundred jumping beans doing a vigorous workout in my chest.

Oh yeah, need to lose some flab to fit into a nice dress on that day, eh. Bah... Or i could wear a suit. Hmmm...

Which reminds me. I've got the 10km to run in december and the stamina i've built up over several months is now GONE, and only within just 2 months! This is so not fair.

*FSH: a very dear JC friend of mine.

Seriously, this doesn't sound too shabby for an intimately eerie yet tender movie scene soundtrack i'm telling ya. Look at the kitten go! I've got to learn the chords to that... Of course it helps that the little dude is an absolutely delightful little fluffball of a gorgeous thing. Loook at its ffaacceeee... ARGH! *snorgle* (in CuteOverload speak, that would mean, "nuzzle")

I'm sure you might've seen this video already, the song that Hossan Leong sang during the meeting called IndigNATION, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWmLAui6OOw

It's a song sung to the tune of "We didn't start the fire" and the lyrics are a very compressed, succinct and humourous take on some of Singapore's most memorable events and some famous people who've become, at some point, quite a figure for heated discussion in our country's history so far.

My dad sent me this link through an email. Wait. My DAD sent me this?! What's daddy doing watching YouTube, er, or following Mr Brown's posts!? Oh, and he did say that he also listened to Mr Brown's IMF podcast, the one where they made a parody of the 4 million smiles campaign.

Wah, my daddy so hip.

Ok, i've grown bored of the lack of posts. Heh heh. So...

So much has occurred over the last week or so, but i've been busy with school work, work related stuff and cell group activities. I also had a really nice surprise that made me go all excitable and screamy and nuts on saturday (Like, hello diTz! the round about relations, who-knows-who is so cool).
Many cumulated thoughts have clogged up my brain but i'm too lazy to sort them out and i'm also in sweet denial about how much time i have left to complete my last essay for the social psych module. (it's not the end yet, i still have stuff to complete for biological psych.)

Two things:

Thanks be to GOD for another nice grade for the latest social psych essay! Remember the one i said that i was: "dealing with macro sociological perspectives (i major in psychology, the last time i checked) which the textbook doesn't exactly explicitly cover and this time i had to complete it in ONE WEEK (i usually take 2 whole weeks to finish an essay) and i had to read the whole textbook and more, to do that one essay."
I aced it, and better still, i aced it better than the first essay which i spent two weeks on. Whao. I couldn't have done it without God.

And, a happy 3rd birthday to my blog. MUAH HAHAHA~! As i've always said: To more years of collecting more trash, my lovely Vacuum! I lub you.

Ok, i SO need to do a gabillion things. I'll catch you later, meanwhile, take good care. :-)

***

Three weddings. Three. Two of the weddings involve peers (girl friends) and the other is an ex-classmate who's older than me but also in her 20s and her husband's my classmate.

As much as they are happy occasions where i go all awww-ish and all, i'm also filled with a concoction of rather odd emotions...
Life is moving fast. Too fast. For me, or for the friends in question? Probably and easily both.

Get used to it, jo.
But. It. Just. Feels. Weird.

i'm not posting anything new yet (apart from this informational one) because i'm waiting for a particular photo to be taken, and to be published for the specific date: 24th of september.

and boy! do i have a ton of photos i want to share with you. :-)

***

I've been feeling really prickly, really easily irritated, restless, snappy, short tempered. Whiny, annoyed, unfriendly, anti-social, mean. In essence, a very very mean pufferfish, but nowhere near as cute as the real fish.

Time to sit still for a while, to calm myself down, and focus my eyes and heart upon God. It's definitely not a good time for me to talk extensively to anyone unless i deliberately want to lose friends.

Two of my fingers looks like they've been zombified, i.e, turned purple and looks dead. Hur, hur. I love playing the guitar but i need to learn more chords and keep working on my chord changing fingers. Too slow leh, like an ah um and i fumble ever so often. And then hor, my strumming arm sometimes spasms or rigour motis-fies so i end up playing some rather uneven sounding rhythm. HeeheeHo.

I must really thank God for the encouragement he gave me through the first essay for this sem. Remember that horrible first-few-weeks experience (when i knew nothing about academic expectations) that somehow made me crumble into a teary mess? I topped the class for that assignment. Wheeeee! Thanks Daddy in Heaven and all who were there to give encouragement. :-D

The next social psych essay that i just handed up wasn't a piece of cheese cake either because it was dealing with macro sociological perspectives (i major in psychology, the last time i checked) which the textbook doesn't exactly explicitly cover and this time i had to complete it in ONE WEEK (i usually take 2 whole weeks to finish an essay) and i had to read the whole textbook and more, to do that one essay.

During tutorial today, we were told that 2 people hit the 80 or 80+ mark, and 4 people hit the 70 or 70+ mark for the latest assignment. I'm hoping that i'll be able to sustain the grade or do better especially after seeking and taking my tutor's advice, desperately wringing my brain of all its remaining juices over concepts i've never heard of before, relying on the Lord and somehow knowing and believing that i'll be able to make it. I'll be hopeful, but i'm trying not to expect it as if it is a given by default.

I am two people

A sentimental, who shuns being sentimental.
An emo freak, who thrives on being aloof.
A romantic, who shys away from mush.
A seeker of happiness, who often falls into melancholy.
Contented, yet jealous.
Can afford to put in the effort, but leans back expecting the world to be given.
A heart that longs to help others, but is yet hardened with anger and pain.
A bearer of the soul, who hides for fear of rejection.
Probably thinks too much, but thinks too little.

I could go on and on... But i'm busy, not free.

(A 1000 word essay to be done by today and plonked into a mailbox across the island in Simei, by TODAY. Haven't typed a word yet... Cheer me on, will you.)

During dinner, my cell mates and i were just talking about experiencing (scary) supernatural events.

And so it is that I returned home to a pitch dark and quiet house, all alone except for the dog who's sleeping in another room now (i'd feel better if he'd come over to my room instead) and i could not help but felt an eerie sense that i might encounter something unhealthy for my sanity.

(i'm not going to type out the stuff that's going through my over active mind right now, i don't fancy scaring you)

But i know that as a Christian, i have nothing to fear because the Lord is with me and He is a lot greater than all the evil spirits put together! Somebody say AMEN! In the last few months, i've been grappling with the concept that as a child of God, i've got authority in Christ Jesus, and i'm beginning to see that when we acknowledge that, we are able to witness the significance of the Christian walk and influence that we can have.

Before taking a shower, i turned up the radio up real loud with Don Moen singing "Hiding Place", and i began to sing the words, thanking the Lord for indeed being my hiding place, that i can run to Him whenever i am afraid and weak. And that just chased a great deal of my fear away... But i think that the human mind is a very powerful thing and we need to really keep the word and promises of God close to our hearts and to guard our minds from the evil one's lies.

uh oh.

There's something about breaking one of mommy's porcelain bowls that makes you feel like you've been a very, very bad little girl. *gulp*

It hit me yesterday, about how nice it actually is that physical beauty is fleeting.

Think i'll go chew on this till i got more to say.

Sometimes, there are just too many voices going off in this little skull of mine, and sometimes there're none. Silence.
Overall, i'm the only one among my closer circle of friends who blogs almost every other day... I quite enjoy it, airing all my blabberings, as meaningless as they can be. I suppose i just have too much to spout and i cannot keep doing that to my sister because she'll most likely throw her fan at me the second i step into her room for the 1000th time.

And then now i realize... when was the last time i felt like i had a really good conversation? And this isn't defined by whether both parties get to say what they want to say even if they were able to share some of their personal issues. But it's more of a presence of an intimate bond, a level of comfort and trust in the sharing and friendship, that the people who are conversing are able to feel it and fearlessly testify to. Where they know they won't be misunderstood or judged or feel bewildered when either one needs to cry, or when touch is given to express comfort and care. I can't remember when was the last time i had any meaningful girl time with a friend or friends. Everyone is busy. That kind of bond takes time, a special kind of understanding and chemistry. So i blog.

Lately, i've been banking in so many drafts into blogger but i haven't the time to refine them a little into something readable yet. But i continue to blog.

My mom calls blogging time robbers. In a way, she is right. But if i don't publish the incessant chattering, my mind wanders about, like 50 frenzied houseflies, more than what's good for me. So i blog.

This might probably become one of those posts that i'll let sit for a few hours before i take it down again and pretend i never said anything. A bit pointless right? But i will blog this anyway.

Absolutely ATROCIOUS behaviour. Disgusting. Downright DISRESPECTFUL AND RUDE! Check out this post written by Ci'en, called "Strange, But True", written on the 8th of Sept. I don't think i'll provide the post's link in case she wouldn't approve (although she's my sister's friend) so here's her blog URL: www.wurh.com

This is a perfect situation to glean some of the embedded rules, expectations, meanings, representations present in an individual, individuals and society, if you social psych people want some practice.

There's something about one factor though... The alcohol. Hhhmmm...

Blogger Beta sounds to delectable, doesn't it. Uhm... Oh, and talking about delectable? I wanted to ask you guys about this:

Ok, do forgive that 2/3 eaten one. Have a look at the one on the right. An initiative family member did the honour of slicing it up nicely, so try to imagine it without the horizontal lines.

Mom came home one day and she proclaimed: "My patient gave me piglets! I had 4 boxes, and you all don't eat one right... So i gave away 2 boxes."

I was like: Excuse me? PIGLETS?

So i stripped off the two rubber bands that held the box shut, and flipped open the cardboard cover to find these weird hamster like looking objects (from a plan view).

"Piglets?" I asked mom, in a tone that suggested that she must be very mistaken about the piglet part.
"They don't look like piglets meh?" she replies.

The only feature that this thing has that resembles a piglet in any way is that it has two holes punched into it on one end. Perhaps they were suppose to be the eyes or the piggy snout or something.

But all that suspicion disappeared in a flash when i took a piece of "piglet". It was HEAVEN. Er, i mean, it was a mooncake but the pastry was sooooo soft, crumbly and tasty, and the filling was an excellent flavourful accompaniment. The paste isn't as smooth as some other kinds of mooncake fillings, but the overall experience more than compensates.

I know that i'm as suaku as suaku (suaku: like a mountain tortoise) gets, so i was wondering if these were actually very normal, traditional types of mooncake festival delicacies. I do remember having heard some people say that their mooncake festivals are never complete without the "piglets". Is this what they were referring to?

It was so good that i had to find out where they were brought from, but to my dismay... They were all the way from Malaysia. Sadness. :-(

But *slurp!* Enjoy it while it lasts!