I've not posted much about thanking God for anything recently, but today i will. :)

I don't usually play the first keys for service, but this saturday i got the chance to, so in addition to my usual synthesizer duties, i could play the first keys aka, piano as well. I'd say that skill wise, i'm not as zhai as my other counterparts. My chord theory is quite basic, and my fingers just aren't as nimble as quick as theirs. Which makes me a better synthesizer player because my fingers don't have to move much and i just need to meddle around with sounds and simple or broken up chords. (though as i've mentioned before i think, i've hated the synthesizer since i was a kid)

Contrary to what the worship team in the congregation/choir said which were a lot of positives, those who were serving today (people with the in-ears) could hear all the boos boos, and somehow today, we just didn't seem as tight as usual. Part of me was fearing that part of the reason was because it was my fault for not being confident enough in my playing, for tending to launch into my own rhythm and tempo, or just not being a good enough musician. Especially since it's not common that i get to play both keys.

But underneath the skill part, i knew that i have not been able to worship at home on the piano as often as i used to due to my crazy schedule these days. So that means that i've not had many opportunities to practice and figure out new ways to play. The piano has sort of become a table of sorts. Quite sad, really. Also, I knew that i was playing with a broken heart... Not broken as in surrendered to God per se, but broken because of whatever's been happening in my life. I was like, "God... Just work through me with whatever i have. I really am just going to rely on whatever basics i have. All i have are the simple stuff."

I knew the countless mistakes i made, and so when we wrapped up the service and headed for our team debrief, i was all ready for the firing squad... Though at the back of my mind i was asking God, "God, please, please, i'm ready for the firing squad, but can you just give me some encouragement?"

God being so sweet, really did send people to encourage me... My team's bassist came and said to me that the chosen notes that i played spoke (in a musical sense) to him, it brought him to a place of peace with God. He said, "I saw a picture, of me in a cave, on a lake in a cave. You know, a place of peace, like how everyone has a place of peace with God."

I also got encouragement from my worship leader who said i played well, and another worship leader also gave feedback that the synthesizer patches that i chose were good. He said, "There were some really good patches here and there. Eh! This kind of thing cannot keep to yourself, must share!" Later when i asked him which part exactly he was referring to, he said to go listen to the recording, but he added, "You have this... ability to hear sounds and use them to make them work."

Boy, was i SO encouraged by the end of the night. I was thinking: God. Thank you. I REALLY needed that. Inspite of my so called inadequacies and numerous mistakes, you know the state of brokenness i'm in and what i just needed to hear at this point in time. And you sent people to encourage me, to tell me that You spoke to them through the music played. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

How can i forgive someone and move on with my life if the person in question may not have even repented, may not even be remorseful, may be living a life of continuous lying and deception? RIGHT IN MY FACE?

What's the point of so called being committed to moving on, forgiving, etc, when in the first place, the person on the other side hasn't even settled their side of the bargain.

Don't even think about building ANY relationship with me if you are still involved in your $%^&. As long as you are not clean from your wrongdoing, you're not getting ANY real respect from me.

Recently, we've been going through the topic of honour in church and i'm like. What the.

How do i honour someone who CLAIMS TO BE FOLLOWING GOD BUT IS STILL LYING STRAIGHT TO MY FACE?!?!?!

The very least i am doing is being civil because the person is a human being. That's ALL i can manage.

Just back from my youth worship team camp over the weekend and i had a 12 hour sleep when i got home... I knocked out once i took a shower and had my face mask on. :)

And so i woke up this morning having satisfied the sleep debt, but somehow, my systems still aren't working too well. I keep misreading words and seeing wrong things, for example:

From today's paper on why young people don't use helplines (rephrased): "when i'm feeling troubled (...), i would want to speak to my closet (correct word: closest) friends."

From work schedule: "Jesus (correct word: Jessie) On Leave"

Goodness. Hurhurhurhur...

ARGH!!!! ALL THREADLESS TEES GOING FOR $9!!!

I WANT!!!!!!!

Was talking to one of the church leaders about dress code in church for leaders and on-stage worship team members.

While i totally understand their good intentions for not wanting us girls to wear sleeveless tops (leaders and on-stage musicians and singers), i can't help but feel that it's such an archaic rule in these recent times. It just reminds me of my ex-boyfriend who refused to allow me to wear sleeveless tops when we were together in junior college.

Sleeveless tops are SO normal these days. For me, they are staple because well, it helps me not get ARMPIT PATCHES from all that perspiration! I sweat a lot lor. And it's not as if i am dying to wear revealing clothes. The sleeveless tops i have are SO normal!

I commented to him: I wear sleeveless tops for practical reasons lor.
He shot back: I also wear slippers for practical reasons.

On hindsight, I should have told him that the issue is different. Slippers is a matter of just casting a presentable image. Sleeveless tops is a matter of seduction of the mind and/or having a presentable image. (Anyways, who says that you can't look presentable in a sleeveless top?)

So my question here is: So what is the difference if it is ok to choose to wear sleeveless tops OUTside of church? If the basis for not wearing them is to not stumble people, then we should not wear them AT ALL, for the good of ALL mankind, right?

But just think about it. No wearing of sleeveless tops AT ALL? Till you're like, 70 years old? Ridiculous!

It just reminds me again of how some people blame women for being raped because they wore seductive clothes. Do men not have parts of their brain meant for self control? Anyways, it's not just the clothes, but behaviour as well.. There is truth in saying that if a woman behaves like she wants trouble, then part of the blame is on her, but then again, can you honestly tell me if ANYONE really DESERVES to be raped?

My point here is: Choice. Whose choice? Freedom. Whose freedom? Logic. Whose logic?

***

I've currently taken to eating blocks of chocolate all by myself. hurhur. First, it was a cadbury milk choc and almond block, then it was a hershey's symphony milk choc and almond block, now it is a cadbury desserts creme brulee bar (courtesy of gem's mommy!).

I'm glad i'm meeting V to go jog later.

***

The bible says: "In your anger, do not sin."

Grr... While reversing out of my parking lot at HV yesterday, this driver in a mercedes wanted my lot and REFUSED to let me out because by moving, she would risk the chance that other drivers will get the lot. So she did not budge despite multiple horns from me (upon my sister's advice... otherwise i wouldn't dare and i didn't how know to because i don't know how the feeling of a horn blast is suppose to feel like.). Woah, i tell you. ALL she needed was to move forward a bit, but she NGIAH NGIAH didn't want to move, which meant that I could not move away, which meant that i was blocking the other cars in my awkward position and this caused a mini jam, with 3 cars lined up in front of me and don't know how many behind me.

Thankfully, there was space behind the mercedes to maneuver to allow the other cars to pass by first. Once the road was empty, i managed to drive out.

When we passed the driver, my sister and i were so curious to have a look at who that silly merc driver was. So inconsiderate!!!! My sister and i were quite disgusted.

I realized that quite a huge number of judgemental, angry, insulting thoughts can be generated just by driving and meeting such people on the roads.

Must guard my thoughts while driving man... Cos while it is natural to become angry, i cannot let the anger consume me and allow myself to speak negatvity into other people's lives.

We talked about driving through the hills in the UK, going all the way up to Scotland. AFTER i graduate next year, making it a proper graduation trip for me. Since i didn't get one after my bachelor's. Erm, but with my folks, not exactly all independent and alone.

OH GOOD LORD JESUS, WOULD YOU PLEASE MAKE THIS COME TRUE STILL?

"The rolling moors of Yorkshire, the tranquil atmosphere of the Lake District, the mysterious highlands of Scotland, the ancient forests of Nottinghamshire, the stunning beaches of Wales, the chocolate-box cottages or vibrant cities at the forefront of modernity, the UK has something to offer everyone" - from the ukguide.org

The nature-explorer-photographer-romantic-freak in me is roaring for time to fly by to say hi to the United Kingdom!

To LT: i think we did talk about grad trip together didn't we? Hm... d'you think this is your cup of tea/within budget?

my recipe for yummy garlic spread:

butter (salted)
grate (NOT CHOP!) a bunch of garlic
oregano leaves
coarse black pepper
grated parmesan cheese
MIX EVENLY.

for nice yummy toast = spread onto bread + add pre-cooked/raw chopped onions if you want + fresh tomato slices + cheddar cheese + ham/any other meat (or you can just go vegetarian)

***

PAINTBALL!!!!!!!!!
(all this talk about therapy is happening, but in the form of adventure therapy. haha. organized by the singapore psychological society... Going with La. AM SO EXCITED!)

People's behinds should be fitted with brake lights, like cars.

They would come in handy especially in crowded places such as malls that have shops boasting huge posters with big number discounts.

If my current life could be summarized into a song title, it would be: What the @#$%.

Not only is my workload crazy, if that isn't bad enough, my personal life has to take a beating as well.

Yeah. What the @#$%, is a good song title.

Am i mad at God? No. Am i still dependent on God and trusting in Him? You bet. In fact, God is all the more important to me now than ever before. He is the only one i trust. Because humans can be so damn heinous.

But right now... God is out of the picture. My head and heart is just simply swimming in anger and sadness and i think the amount of poison being generated inside me right now can kill off a few hundred rats.

I need counselling. Pronto.

I want to run away. From school, work. Life.
Just make me freaking disappear.

I feel like crying when i think about my workload.

Does anybody hear me?

a huge part of my schooling life involved around playing in concert/military bands... as i'm listening to persis overture, and gloriosa, i am hit by such a longing to be part of a band once again, playing the alto saxophone as part of a contributing sound to the overall band sound.

gosh.

i miss, like crazy, those days. where can i look for a good and established adult band that won't be THAT particular about whether you'd be a liability in terms of technique and skill, but will just be a group of people who play well and also just want to play because, MUSIC is BEAUTIFUL. Period.

Ho hum.

I think i'm going to sign up for the 10km New Balance Real Run but not the Standard Chartered run.

Tradeelala.

There are times when i'm walking along the street and i think about the amount of work piled up and when i realized how much uncertainty i am facing, how many loose ends i have and tend to forget to address, i begin to visualize myself in my room trying to get an opportunity to cry my eyes out.

I am so stressed.

But when i get home, i am seized by duty and responsibility. I do what i need to. But it doesn't mean it's all ok. I still drag all the frustration about with me at my heels.

Sometimes i just need to let out the frustration to start on a cleaner slate.

Today i came face to face again with something that i wish i did not have to face anymore. But life never says that things are forbidden to go on repeat.

This brings me once again to the often said, corny statements: "Lift it up to God, He'll take care of it.", and, "Don't focus on your problems, focus on God".

Maybe it was easier to do that in the past when some of the problems were "smaller", or more temporary.

But some problems are just... you know. Pervasive. It eats into your personal space. It has slid into and invaded your emotional, physical, spiritual, psychological life. Your EVERYTHING. It LIVES with you. It EATS with you. It WALKS with you. It SLEEPS with you. It's a LONG TERM issue. Not something that would resolve in a few days, with a few prayers here and there, or a few months and then people stop asking how you're doing. No.

We're talking about years.

It's like if a loved one has a terminal disease. If a loved one is living an alternative lifestyle, or a life on the edge. If a husband/wife abuses, or has cheated. If a loved one went missing overseas and there is no news of his or her existence. The future of a loved one with special needs. Suffering the pain of having BEEN abused, abandoned, rejected. There are many other issues that people face. You get the drift.

Because of the problem that just chose to lift its ugly head, though I know all the "good Christian" theories, I am now finding it to be of utmost difficulty to separate the act of focusing on God and lifting it to Him, from, denial. That is, choosing to not look at the problem. Trying to push the worry and pain away. Believing it will somehow. Just. All. Go. Away.

I still tag this as Walking with Jesus, and not Walking away from Jesus, because this IS the process of walking through difficult life lessons with Jesus even when I DON'T KNOW HOW. I can't run away from Jesus just because shit happens.

Like what Jess said on sat which i believe with my heart was a fantastic and true comeback to her friend's statement:

Friend: I'm not a Christian anymore because shit happens.
Jess: Shit happens, that's why, I am a Christian.

This is life and this is starkly real. I don't know how to live like i should. So I learn. I cry. I crawl. I get abrasions along the way. I am stunned, feeling weary, stuck in my thoughts and feelings. And I don't know how to continue this post anymore because i am at a loss for words.

I just know that there is only one way up... I sigh as I say this because i am so human... The one way up is, to pray.

Praying is but merely an action. Anyone can pray. The problems may remain for a while to come, but knowing who i talk to is what brings me to a better state of mind and heart.

i can't stop me

Just when i told van, myself 2 weeks ago and over dinner to joy and denise that i was going to give my knees a break , i was once again bitten by the running bug. Argh. I can't seem to stop myself. Talk about a love/hate relationship with running, a la New Balance advert.

So when i got home from cell group, instead of doing my paperwork, i took out my running gear, went running and got home around 12ish am.

Surprisingly, despite having taken a break from running (though i still did some brisk walking) my body felt lighter than i've ever felt in a long time, and my breathing came clear and easy. I also found that i could keep running, as long as i took it at an easy pace which given was slower than my usual pace that's done along the canal. Still, the physical difference i felt was a 180degree change from when i was actually training purposefully and regularly a few weeks ago. How odd.

A big part of the reason why i took off running at a weird hour (other than that i was hoping to find my mates at holland v) was because of defiance. I told myself that the reason why my knees were feeling weird lately was because i WASN'T running (as opposed to what most people would say... that it is stiff from having injured them so much). Maybe i'm in denial but i really felt like the stiffness was because i wasn't using them.

Well, my knee joints were kind of tender when i got home... There is pain only if i place weight on it without using my quads to support the knee cap area or if i twist it in a funny way. Did some strengthening exercises and stretching. I wouldn't say all is fine and dandy... Looks like glucosamine is going to be part of my regular diet.

I guess i enjoyed my run also because i chose to go off the canal with the marked distance, and instead allowed my body and mind decide how far i wanted to go. So, there was no pressure to finish a certain distance by whatever time, and there were no expectations of how much distance i should cover.

It was just me, my asics (am still not a convert though), the road and feeling light and free.

I digress... When i think about my asics, it reminds me of that funny trip to running lab where i got them. The sales guy and i were talking a whole lot about running while waiting for me (i took 2 HOURS to decide) to choose a pair of shoes from 4 pairs that he recommended to me. And after i paid and left, it was gem who showed me what was typed and printed at the end of the receipt. Sales guy had typed at the bottom: "Really cute smile! =)" No wonder he seemed to be taking longer than usual to process my purchase. Teehee.

It's amazing how close minded/tunnel visioned/under exposed/etc some pastors can be.

Case 1:
"Secondary school kids having sex? No lah! So young, how can they be having sex?"

*ROLLS EYES*

Case 2:
"You don't know about the 3 Ss? How long have you been a Christian? Usually if you've been a Christian for a long time, you would know."
(3 Ss refers to self governing, self sufficient, self ...., it's one of the terms used in the misson field in a particular country)

HELLO?! Not everyone is exposed to missionary work terms ok? How can people equate the length of one's walk as a Christian to whether the person knows about some specialized jargon used. Ridiculous conclusion.

And these are pastors in the age range of 50ish. Embarrassing.

Feel like screaming.

Suicide assessment.
Bookmark verses.
Devotionals.
Report writing.
Journal writing.
Closing cases.
Research.
School assignments now beginning.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am SO STRESSED OUT. STOP GIVING ME THINGS TO DO!

Update 2: I is going to paste triangle on zee car window. And face the temptation of driving around the carpark on my own. Heh. I feel so handicapped not being able to park properly now that i have no poles to help me do things mechanically. Oh well. Practice. Practice. Practice.

Update 1: PASSED. With 12 demerit points. Hurhur. And i got to drive my folks around the carpark at home.... but boy, parking is a #$&#%&##@(#!!!!!!
(no more poles! Dangit!)

***

I want to pass my driving test, i want to pass my test!

(sing song to the tune of "I want to ride my bicycle!" by Queen. I think it's a pretty odd song, but anyway.)

I happened to find this photo of gem from long ago... HAHA. So cute right. I asked for permission leh! He says it was due to the post lunch slump... (i think his branch mates took the photo and added the effects. hurhurhur.) Can you find/see the little stick men?

it's not for us to fight the fire, but the fire (God!) who fights for us!

I'm getting old, man.

Went for The Fire Fight's Album Launch concert, where we had to stand for an hour. I got a backache after that (but the rest of my friends didn't). Fail.

(The Fire Fight is a local, indie band made up of a group of young chaps who love music and are using their music to reach an audience for a bigger life purpose.)

I really enjoyed the music (though i was as stiff as a BBQ skewer) and saw the boys enjoying themselves on stage as well. They were telling a simple but true story of a bear named Henri. But really, the "bear" represents us living today and the story that unfolded was the story of how when we were woo-ed by the devil who lured us into loving the material things of the world but getting burnt in the process, God pursues us, back into his loving arms, back home again.

The boys deserve thumps on their backs!

It was quite funny how the name most heard last night was Jon's because he's a friend of ours, and a couple of us were getting high and it was hilarious what being high does to you. And... quite a number of the audience were from the same place *ahem* as i, and boy, if we wanted to, we could've started a praise and worship session. Haha...

Well done Fire Fight. I know this is your ministry, and I pray that God will continue to partner with you guys to speak the same loving message of God to those who need it, in the language that they know and understand, and find meaning in.

when we see Christ in someone, it should be evident in their everyday lives right? not only when the person is in their christian-ny element, eg. preaching, evangelising, befriending, cell leading, worship leading, etc.

something i noted. a person whose private life's deep truth is far from the superficially professed ideal, should refrain from preaching that they pursue only after God loving/centred/consumed women/men.

it makes them not just look stupid, but it is hypocritical and stumbles others.

Driving Instructor Uncle Vocabulary Trivia

Update:

Generous = Dangerous
Hedges = Hazards
Kuiz = Squeeze
Prup = Pull Up

It's funnier when i get to pronounce it outloud for you! ;-P

Hello folks! For your and my entertainment, i shall now present you with a Driving Instructor Uncle Vocabulary Trivia! Try to guess what these words (really) are!

"Generous" = ?
"Hedges" = ?
"Kuiz" = ?
"Prup" = ?

Er, no prizes for right answers.

Potato Bake Version 2

Cut up: 1 Red pepper, 1 big yellow onion, and grated a bunch of garlic. The pieces that were too small to grate are there on top of the peppers.

My cheddar cheese which i cut into small pieces, so that when the scattered pieces melt, they melt out evenly throughout the dish.

My button mushrooms. You decide how many you is want! :-P
Some random box of chicken nuggets that i found in the fridge. I've no idea who put them there and no one at home admits to its existence. Well, it no longer exists! It's going into the potato bake. :-D See the ones in aeroplane shapes. Hurhur. I toasted them so warm them up and give them a nice brown colour.
My grated garlic which i used to scatter in with the filling, as well as scattered on the top of everything with the cheese topping, mixed herbs and coarse black pepper (you'll see later on).
The boiled and scalloped potato base on the baking dish. OH YES. Don't forget to grease the base and sides of the dish with margarine or butter. This prevents the cheese and other stuff from sticking to it after some of it melts and burns slightly.
This is the cream i used. Instead of the 1 1/2 cups that i used in version 1, i used 1 instead. Healthier i guess. Less fat.
Fried up the bits of garlic, red pepper, onions, mushrooms in olive oil, and added a tiny amount of salt and black pepper.
Zees is the filling: red pepper, onions, mushrooms, diced chicken nuggets, grated garlic, cream and cheddar cheese, french onion soup, a bit of coarse black pepper again.

Put scalloped potatoes on top again with the grated garlic.
Top with mozarella cheese, cheddar cheese, mixed herbs, coarse black pepper. Dump in oven!

Ok, here we go. Kinda looks similar to version 1 anyway, but it's different on the inside!

Sitting pretty by the kitchen window. :-9
Close up for your viewing pleasure. Whee!
And finally... on the dinner table. It's a bit sad that i have to "force" my family to eat my stuff. I have to keep asking them if they've tried my food, or i have to bring a plate to them and ask if they want a bite. Only my dad took a portion by himself last night. Otherwise, no one other than myself and Van has eaten a decent portion! Grrr. I need food test subjects, and gem is too busy to stick around long enough to be one. I need daring, willing and FREE participants, or else the fridge will be full of stuff that i make and no one will eat!

Potato Gratin/Potato Bake sort-of-recipe

For those of you interested in making the potato thingy i made, here's the sort of recipe!
The reason why it's only a sort-of-recipe is because i did not use much measurements. I just added things according to how i liked it to be.

1) Boil 7-8 russet potatoes. Some people might find the russet variety too crumbly and soft so they use the harder yellow-er types.

2) Fry 2 (big) yellow onions in a shallow frying pan with olive oil, slow cook them, so that they don't burn and they should caramelize in the pan. Sprinkle a tiny bit of salt and pepper to taste.

3) After the potatoes are boiled and tender, de-skin them and scallop them. Grease an oven-safe glass dish with a bit of butter, so that the food doesn't stick. Line the bottom of the dish with the potatoes. Don't use up all of them.

4) I had some leftover cooked chicken chunks, so i layered them over the potatoes. I also added ham slices, add half of the previously fried onions.

5) I used something like 1 and a half containers of Bulla cream (350ml to 400ml), and added dollops of it, scattered among the meat, onions, etc. Don't use all of it yet. As and when you feel that some corners/portions are dry, just put some cream there. Added dollops of butter also, but not too much.

6) Slopped ready made packet french onion soup all over to flavour the dish. Add amount according to your own disgression. Similarly, if you find it a bit dry, you can slop some more. Up to you! Just keep in mind that as you add, you are adding more flavour/salt into your dish, so you want to mentally keep stock of what you are dumping into the dish so that when you finally eat it, you aren't overwhelmed with the taste of one particular ingredient.

7) Also throw in cheddar cheese. I added red cheese and the regular yellow one. However, make sure that you cut up the cheese into little pieces, so that when it melts, it melts out evenly and not in little lumps here and there.

(at this point, i would recommend adding some cubed green/red/yellow pepper. Reason being it's good to add some vegetable and it also adds a crunch to the dish. You can either fry it first with the yellow onion or if you want it a bit more raw, just add it as it is in this layer.)

8) I sprinkled a tiny amount of salt, but in this case, i did so because not many of the other ingredients were salty naturally, except for the cheese and ham. If your version has other stuff that is salty, then don't add anymore.

9) Once the middle portion is done with all the layering and stuff, put your final layer of potatoes and also the fried onions as the top layer of your potato bake. Add the rest of the cream too. Use a ladle to gentle press everything into the dish. After that, grab a pack of shredded mozeralla cheese and add a generous layer of cheese on top of the potatoes and onions.

10) Lastly, sprinkle a tiny amount of mixed herbs evenly, and also coarse black pepper.

11) Throw everything into the oven and wait for the mozeralla cheese to brown to the colour you want!

Hope this helps and doesn't sound too messy or complicated. It isn't complicated once you get your ingredients prepared really.

Ask me if you have any doubts! :-D

1. Did i mention that beginner motorcyclists in the circuit (relative to beginner car drivers) and inconsiderate ones outside are really pesky. I tell you, they are asking for an accident to happen, with the way they simply shoot out from the lane without considering or even SEEING that a car is coming their way/coming out or that they are the vulnerable ones when they try to squeeze by the side of the car. Sheesh.

2. Kitchen is mine for the next few days! Hopefully i can be making food that people will enjoy eating (which happens to be the minority of the time).

3. Shape run is tomorrow. I hope my lungs and legs won't give me a hard time. I'm mentally strong (in my mind, 10km is considered an ok-not-that-long distance, and 5km is considered to be a fun run distance) but i'm physically kinda weak, for some weird reason despite having been training for months. And i have 7 other girls coming with me. WOW, RECORD NUMBER! FINALLY!

i was enchanted...

Over lunch at home, i channel surfed and decided to watch Enchanted because it looked entertaining and quite amusing... Little did i know that i would find such a gem of a song. It's a little sad, message-wise, but it's just the moment that captured my heart.

I had goosebumps while watching them dance but most of all, through listening to the way the song was sang. The tone of the singer's (Jon Mclaughlin) voice, the pitch, dynamics, the heartfelt emotion poured into it. (oh man, the actor guy, ok patrick dempsey, sang a bit of the song softly to her, it was SO SWEET. Augghhh....)



Ok, a version without the actors talking midway.



Lyrics (Music Video of Giselle and Robert dancing from Walt Disney's "Enchanted"):

You're in my arms
And all the world is calm
The music playing on for only two
So close together
And when I'm with you
So close to feeling alive

A life goes by
Romantic dreams will stop
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now forever I know
All that I wanted to hold you
So close

So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
And now you're beside me and look how far we've come
So far we are so close How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We're so close
To reaching that famous happy end
And almost believing this was not pretend
Let's go on dreaming for we know we are
So close
So close
And still so far

Part 2 of Home Cookout: Potato Gratin/Potato Bake

Just some of the ingredients... But i had more stuff sitting elsewhere. Like a packet of onion soup, cream, etc.
Slow fried (to caramelize) these yellow onions in a little olive oil and a bit of salt and pepper to taste.

Boiling the russet potatoes first before baking, otherwise it would take forever to bake and the cheese on top would burn to carbon!
Messy cross section. But just you wait! We have a potato base, onions, red and white cheese, chicken, ham, cream, dollops of butter, a sprinkle of salt, french onion soup.
The unbaked finished product. Topped with potatoes again, onions, mozarella chesse, coarse black pepper and mixed herbs.
Baking in zee oven!
Tadah!
Yummers. Everyone loved eet! For once, joline makes something that she didn't have to eat all by herself to finish it (like in most other cases because got no business from family members even...).

In future, i could add prawns, button mushrooms, red/green/yellow peppers and garlic. Muah hahaha...

Part 1 of Home Cookout: Strawberry Cheesecake

Was on a quest to reattempt to make my strawberry cheesecake for V to try. Also doubled up as dessert for Jun who was coming over for dinner.

Creaming the cheese manually with the sugar and gelatine mixture.
Poured the mixture over my biscuit base which i had prepared earlier and placed in the fridge.

There we go! Into the fridge to set for a while before i lay out the strawberries.

Ok, this dude is my proof that i used organic strawberries. I was washing the strawberries that i had bought about 2 days ago, when i turned a berry over to find this little dude still and not moving with all his legs hidden somewhere. I turned my attention away for a bit and when i returned to my berries, i was surprised to find that s/he was crawling fine and dandy about! So there. No pesticides, fresh organic strawberries with a ladybug thrown in. Took the liberty to snap pictures of the lovely little harmless creature.

After the cheese had set, i placed my strawberries in rows and then poured my jelly mixture over the whole thing. Jelly mixture is the pink liquid you see... Raspberry flavoured.

The finished product after setting in the fridge for a few hours to ensure it was ready! The pink is actually a deeper shade. The colour here looks a bit washed out.

Here you go! :oD

Stay tuned for part 2...

I need a break from life. Not that i want to temporarily cease to exist. I just want a life without having to go through the mandatory aspects of surviving in this world. Know what i mean.

wish i could clone him

he stuffed his own face between the pillows and it was just TOO cute! :oD

just one of the many times...

I have one of the nicest human beings in the world as my significant other. He is SO NICE to the point that it is almost inhuman.

Today, i was at Challenger and called him asking for his opinion about the prices of external hard drives and which brands were reliable. Instead of just letting me buy the stuff off the rack there and then, he offered to go down to the now ongoing PC Show at city hall where he knew there would be better deals. Like, he WANTED to make the effort to squeeze with the rest of geeky Singapore just to get me my stuff.

Not only did he help me purchase them on my behalf, he took the trouble to travel back to the west so that he could pass the stuff to me when he could have simply gone home (east side) first. And when he arrived back to the west, he waited an hour for me to be done with cell group. And it was already late, like 10+pm. O.o

Since i wasn't feeling too good (stupid driving simulator practice i had made me dizzy and queasy), he saw me all the way home (west) even when it meant that he couldn't take the train home (too late), which would've been much more convenient for him. Some guys would've just cared more about his own convenience and let the girlfriend go home on her own.

I did stop along the way to pick up some yoghurt though, and because i was having a hard time moving around quickly (so as not to further upset my dizzy head and throw up) and deciding (mental processes had slowed down to a crawl), he very willingly carried my bag and purchases for me, waited alongside me as i took AGES to decide on what to get. Not a single squeak or complaint from him to me to hurry up. Genuinely cheerful, supportive and caring for my needs as always.

I was already so thankful but when i reached home, he slipped a big packet of cookies into my plastic bag of electronics. :-)

God really put a HUGE, soft heart in this guy, it's unbelievable.

When a person has never gone through a certain lesson in life or have really felt how others felt in true empathy, they can only have an ideal idea of how things and people should be like.

As much as my heart does not wish to judge others, events of late has taught me never to assume and draw a boundary around the capabilities of a person based on who we know them to be personality-wise or what we think they are capable of doing.

You can never know a person in their entirety and humans are complex creatures.

So, i would appreciate it if you would pause for a moment to consider the weight of your words before telling me or others not to judge because you do not know what i or others have gone through. I have emphasized it to you and hopefully you have listened and heard the pain in my voice.

It hurt me to think that you think i judge others, but my aim has never been to judge people (my career choice forbids me to fyi). I may tell you in time to come what happened, and so you will understand.

Just know that while ideals are great if you can upkeep them, also remember that life is never ideal. I have tasted that in my own life. As i have already stated clearly to you, I simply have learnt not to be naive anymore regarding certain things and people. That is not tantamount to judging, i am simply just more aware.

A testimony for the sceptic, who is me.

We were outside one of the practice rooms waiting for a group of people to come out, when cheryl, my band's bass guitarist, shared with me and others around her that she woke up this morning with her hands red, swollen and painful and she had no idea why. And boy, were they really red, and swollen. In my mind, i was thinking: "should we pray...? sigh, don't want..." (my lazy, faithless human mind)

But my worship leader said, "come, lets pray for cheryl..." so we gathered around her and a few of us led outloud in prayer of healing for her hands. When 2-3 people were done praying, we looked at her hands again and saw that the redness had lessened but it was still swollen and painful. Usually, i remain quiet unless i feel that i have something to say but during a silent moment, Tomlin said, "I just feel that, joline, you should pray for cheryl. I asked God who else should and i saw your face... Just hold on to cheryl's whole finger."

I was of course stunned (more on that later, because i have some background info) but so i started out. I firstly declared that we have the holy spirit in us, and that allows us to do what Jesus could do in the past and therefore we have every ability of the holy spirit. I said to God, since you said you wanted to use me to bring healing to others, then this is what i'm asking for. With that, i just asked for healing for her hand and commanded the swelling and pain to leave. When we checked, the redness had gone down a little more but it was still swollen and painful.

By that time, it was time to enter the room for our pre-service prayer and so we decided to just trust God for the healing to come in time.

As usual, we started our time just singing and worshipping God... And for some reason, the prayer time we had was so intense. People were receiving words of affirmation of love and also God was telling us how He wants us to trust Him and His ways and to move along with His plans.

While worshipping, i suddenly had this strong urge to go over to cheryl on the other side of the room to pray again for her hands. At first i was like, "Nah... are you sure this is me just wanting to be altruistic or is this really God inspired?"

But then, my pastor had a vision of a mighty rushing river, but there were people standing by the side afraid to jump in. She felt God saying that the river was his holy spirit, and was saying to us to not be afraid to jump in because although it looks scary, he will never allow us to be hurt or killed but instead would lead us with His power.

At first i thought that did not make much sense to me but as i reflected on it, it DAWNED on me that: HEY. THIS IS EXACTLY what i am going through... (more on that later, as i said! :oD)

We started to sing the bridge of the song "Healer" and i was again stunned because we weren't spending the time praying for healing but rather we were just listening to God.

With the urge so strong to go over to Cheryl and with the final push/cue as they sang "Healer", i went over with both faith and fear in my heart. It occured to me that perhaps God was going to allow THIS time instead to show us His healing power. This was the moment.

To my surprise, two of my other friends also started to approach cheryl to pray for her. I was like, "oh. my. word". It was like, we were all prompted at the same time!

(i checked with Tomlin and he said that at that moment, he "sensed that something was coming". Cool huh?)

I decided to choose confidence over disbelief, and knelt in front of cheryl, held both her hands and started to pray with two of my friends as the rest sang and worshipped in their own way.

As the time came to a close when the music died down, i opened my eyes and cheryl and i smiled at one another... And she opened her hands and... There was NO MORE REDNESS, NO MORE SWELLING, AND BEST, NO MORE PAIN.

Those around us who saw us in a huddle asked if her hand still hurt and she said "There's no more pain!"

I myself could not believe it even when she showed me her hands and exclaimed, "See! Back to skinny fingers! You can see the bone!"

Ok, my faithless doubting mind always doesn't run far from me, i had to keep looking at her hand to see the difference... It was indeed back to normal. Earlier on, it was seriously red and swollen but now, the difference was STARK. Haha, i told her we should've taken a before and after photo...

I still have to say that God has to throw a brick at me at times. I am a very careful charismatic (the denomination) christian and i question and doubt a lot. Even with a miracle occurring before my very eyes, i could still ask myself whether it was really true and maybe there is a scientific reason for it, or maybe it was my friend's prayer (which is such a ridiculous thought because it is God's power and not who prayed that makes the difference) or whatever.

It's not that we can demand things out from God the Genie as and when we want to. Whatever happens or does not happen is God's choosing. Even if nothing visible happens, that is not the point. What matters is that i'm relying on a living God with whom i have a relationship with, prayer changes things in the invisible spiritual realm and I am simply choosing to step out in faith (and some inevitable fear of course) and exercising the bible's truth.

I know that what i saw and experienced was true and real. Nothing can take away the fact that it happened and that God partnered with me and my friends to pray and see the healing happen to bless my friend.

This incident has bolstered my faith and my resolve to continue in my walk with God despite the things happening around me. I am tired of being a quiet status quo christian. I am tired of being sceptical and jaded. I want to bring God's kingdom onto the streets. Yes, i am an imperfect, weak and flawed human being prone to going back to my old ways, but my Father God is neither of that. And that gives me all the reason to trust and move forward and bring destruction to barriers and obstacles, seen and unseen.

***

Background info will share in the next post or so.

Remind me to tell you about what happened on saturday. It involves praying for someone and...

at the dog run on a sunday evening

That's Jed at the dog run looking wistfully at a piece of dog food that my sister is holding in her hand. I taught him to do this trick where he rests his little snout and paw on the lap of the food giver. Kinda of a useless trick but i thought he looked so cute so i figured it's be nice to have him do it on command. :-D

This beagle came by and started to dig at my sister's pocket because there was a plastic bag of dog food in there... Beagles are hunting dogs and have a very powerful sense of smell. As you can see, my sister is trying to protect the food. :-D Earlier on, Jed had lost a piece of dog treat in the ground between my feet and since he couldn't dig it up to eat it, he left it there. It didn't take the Beagle much time to run over from dunno where to my sister to dig for food from her pocket and to also pick up the scent of the tiny hidden piece of food in the ground left by Jed. It tried to dig for the piece but i think it failed since it was caught somewhere deep in the grass. I'm amazed by its little nose!

absolute pain, absolute love, faith, grace and beauty

I tried to shower as fast as i could so that i could catch them awake before they slept. When i reached their room, it was pitch dark and i figured they had already dozed off. I poked around for my mum still so that i could just squeeze in next to her on the bed. I just felt like i needed the comfort so badly like a child all over again. I was thinking of giving up when i felt a hand firmly hold mine and pulling towards the other end of the bed.

So i slipped onto the bed next to my mum thinking that we'd just sleep in silence, but no. As she held my hand in hers, I heard her whispering something and i responded with a "huh?", but it dawned on me that she was praying. A few moments later, she pulled my right hand onto her chest and nestled it in my dad's left hand that she also pulled onto her chest, using her own to hold us together and I heard her praying more distinctly again for our family.

I started to cry and big, full tears rolled down my cheeks and landed on her pillow next to my ears and i could hear them going "thud" each time.

At intervals, she would carress my face and hair and pull my head close to her shoulder, and deliver a kiss on my head. Her shirt became soaked with my tears soon enough. In those moments, i really realized what a strong person my mum can be and more so, how she is a darn solid trooper, soldier, and a beautiful woman of God.

the little piglets are sleeping by the way...

I laughed and laughed at this video... a bit mean lah, but i'm like, animals are so cute.

as u can tell, i am on a hiatus which was unintentional... i was just busy with driving and getting my practicum paper work settled.

but something very drastic has happened and i am not at liberty to talk about it.

all i know is that i need time to heal from the pain, hurt, anger, hatred, disappointment, and i don't know how i am going to do my practicum without being sullen if i am not talking to anyone.

God is real and the only one i can depend on. The human race is indeed an evil race when it wants to be.

SEMESTER STATUS: DONE! FINALE! SUDAH! NO MOREEEEE!!!! WHEEEEE!!!!

Now, for:

1. Driving (about time)
2. Read my textbooks (seriously)
3. Buy lots of kinder bueno (pleasures that i can afford)
4. Go window shopping... (sigh, no money to spend liberally, but seeing pretty things is nice after being cooped up at home for too long)
5. Exercise at NTU alumni club (free!)
6. Clear my room (need the space and fresh air)
7. Get my practicum site pinned (In Progress)
8. Make that cheesecake thingy with that recipe i got from a family friend (she wants to know the outcome and i want to eat the outcome!)
9. Dissertation Prep and Supervisor Hunt

Although ths sem is over, i have next sem to think about. Apparently, my holidays still require me to hunt and pin down my practicum site for next sem, think of a dissertation topic, read my textbooks for practicum. Yeah, school is not far away from my mind.

This hols will be busy!

I am also contemplating whether i should go back to shooting on sundays at the range... Just thinking about it makes my heart beat faster and my head go a bit dizzy with excitement.

To put a cup filled with soybean milk to my lips and taking a deep, satisfying gulp, is a pure blessing of providence.

I count it nothing less than a privilege.

When we are surrounded by abundance, it seems like it's normal to be having the things that we have. Even assuming that it is our human right to have the things we want. Sometimes, we even demand more.

But how many people in other parts of the world, in slums, in poor districts, can afford to demand that? Their basic human right of dignity is sometimes even forfeited and denied. Let alone having basic necessities like food, clothes, clean water... Or soybean milk for that matter.

I'm blessed, and my heart aches with gratitude.

random thoughts while i work 2

I love (almost) all things to do with psychology. The theories, the techniques, the way it deals with thought and behaviour. But, i don't want to be a cold therapist in the cold office.

I want to be able to move around and reach people through counselling and talks, with a heart of love, warmth, free of descrimination and of self seeking and self loving thoughts, but also with the determination to set some things right in this crazy world.

Yeah, it sounds like a romantic idea doesn't it? But i think that when God is to be brought to His people through His people, He WILL. make. THE. way.

So i should be a counselling psychologist?

But a year ago, i missed the application for the masters in applied psych program (that has the counselling psych track) but i couldn't afford to wait for the next intake, so i applied for my counselling course instead. I half regret this, but i also am thankful for where i am today.

Since i am a psych graduate, and a counselling postgrad-to-be, can i then be a counselling psychologist?

Hm.

Random thoughts while i work 1

To do after semester:

1. Driving
2. Read my textbooks (seriously)
3. Buy lots of kinder bueno
4. Go window shopping... (sigh, no money to spend liberally)
5. Exercise at NTU alumni club
6. Clear my room
7. Get my practicum site pinned

***

Dad: Woah?! He's (Jed) already 6 years old?!

Jo: Yeap.

Dad: That's near the age that Prints (previous dog) died, at 7.

Jo: Yeap. But he (Jed) still behaves like kuku right (like a 2 year old kid).

Dad: (laughs) Yeah.

***

Before you ever tell someone the truths of the matter, or give them advice, or attempt to change their mindsets, or scold or disciple. ALWAYS, ALWAYS EMPATHIZE, FIRST.

Although you feel the urge to blast the person, or if you are just about to tell them life lessons learnt from your own experience, STOP RIGHT THERE. Take the time to let them talk, listen to the meanings behind those words, be genuinely interested, be present with the person emotionally and psychologically.

Sometimes we are so quick to tell others what they should do, or we want to let OURSELVES be heard that we forget that we are having a dialogue, and not a monologue.

When someone shares a difficulty, allow the person to experience the emotions because they need to work through it. They need to FEEL the emotions, but i of course think that it should not prolong for more than necessary. By cutting them short by giving advice and giving truths even with love, is not allowing a person to be heard and understood. If you don't allow them to feel, the message that they would receive is that their emotions are wrong, should not be felt, should be suppressed. And when you attempt to push ideas to them without them having felt listened to, they will not be receptive, chances are, they may be MORE defensive, if lets say they are not able to control their feelings.

Every person has a right to feeling what they feel, whether the emotions are "right or wrong". By saying that they have a right to feeling is not saying that they are allowed to act in a negative manner (eg. beating up someone), but it is saying that we are feeling creatures and by telling us not to feel is like telling us to shut up and/or to stop breathing.

We all need to learn the art of listening, and listening with patience and empathy.

***

I am so glad this week is relatively quiet and i am not serving for saturday. I have a 20-25 page essay to finish by monday. I have to write an average of 3-4 pages per day starting from tomorrow. Arghhhh. But thank you GOD! It's required to be double spaced, and the 20-25 page thingy includes references (which is kinda rare in academic writing).

While waiting for my god brother's water baptism to start, i decided to take parts of my lovely monster yamaha keyboard since i brought the camera with me on stage.

Sigh, i still couldn't get a proper video of him being baptised in the pool though.

Methinks this is a good stock photo to mess around with. :oD

Anyways, i am WAYYYYYYYY PROUD of my god brother. Getting baptised and all. And he's always saying this: "I want to seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness." He's thinking of serving in the music ministry soon too. :-D



***

Check out this "baby". It's as big as my palm!



But WAIT! There's a contender on the right! As you can see, my fingers of my right hand have disappeared beneath the mushroom.

My mom, demonstrating that mushrooms can be quite good substitutes for eyes if you think yours are too small.

Yes. This is the contender i spoke of earlier. It is literally as big as your face.

My mom being my mom, in one of her wackier moments, took two mushrooms and placed them in front of...


I don't know if i should even be telling you to go figure..

I did NOT take a photo of that. Gosh, my mom is more garang than me.



NB: Once again, i think the alignment has gone wonky.

***

Does anyone have any suggestions for good clothes blogshops? I'm on the prowl...

V: i looked thru 3 collections and somehow... i have concluded that in general, tracyeinny's style is different from mine. pragnaz's webbie seems to be down/dead?

Remember i said that i recently have been stuffing my face?

The desperation with which i dug into the fridge looking for something sweet and brown, and the ferocity in how i broke the hard piece into smaller bits, threw them into my mouth and chewed down hard despite my liking for it to be melted and smooth, shocked me.

(I'm surprised i didn't gnaw on the bar a la viking:drumstick)

I actually felt my cranial dwelling neurons sigh a huge sigh of relief as my taste buds savoured, in frenzied urgency, the familiar taste of chocolate.

Uh, I am not pregnant.

Introduction to Family: (COMPLETED. HALLELUJAH!)
Genogram x 1 (DONE)
Role Play x 1 (DONE)
Case Study x 1 (DONE)
MCQ Test x 1 (DONE)
Overall Grade: A- (PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Group Counselling: (COMPLETED. HOSANNA!)
Individual Paper x 1 (DONE)
Co-facilitator's Paper x 1 (DONE)
Transcripting x 1 (DONE)
Group Counselling with Violent Youths Presentation x 1 (DONE)

Advanced Counselling: (AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Big Fat Essay x 1 (Panicking)

Psychopathology and Appraisal: (EEEEKSS)
Case Study Presentation x 1 (DONE)
3000 word essay x 1 (THINKING: How to do...)
Topic Presentation x 1 (DONE, waiting for group mate to do his edits)
MCQ Test x 1

during this coming holidays, i will just spend it exercising.

because firstly, i am broke and exercising is free of charge. what is more, i get to gym at the NTU alumni club as a unisim alumus. teehee. and the gym is not bad at all!

secondly, i need to get myself into shape... been stuffing my face recently and am enjoying it tremendously. *beam*

thirdly, after this hols, it's my practicum so it's my way of preparing myself mentally and physically.

I've never said it out loud before till tonight... that I've always felt second class. I was struck by how bitter i sounded when i spoke to my leader. I think these feelings have been harboured for far too long that it's not funny.

I've always felt that i'm not communicated to, i always have to figure it out on my own what in the world the others are doing, unless i flail my arms and yell that i'm lost. I've asked for help but i've always been made to feel that i'm troubling people and/or holding everyone back, especially when there are parties who are always raring to go. I often don't feel included, i don't feel heard, i feel patronized. I wondered if it was just me. I think part of it is, but part of it isn't.

I wondered if it was something i had to put up with, close one eye. But apparently, it resulted in a minor explosion today. And i didn't expect my leader to react so quickly... i think the only thing that made it better for me was that i wasn't the only one feeling less than good about the situation.

Not very comfortable with the fact that it came out still because i've been controlling and suppressing it for so long, so when i just ranted, it sounded really emotional and i don't normally rant to my (guy) leader!

Couldn't help but feel bad afterwards but i guess what has to be said, has been said. The next best thing to do is to keep walking, the aftermath is to be civil and mature about it.

http://www.myspace.com/mattmahermusic (the sound quality for the songs is better from this link)

I'm having a blast listening to just these 3 songs on the website!

The last song ("Empty and Beautiful") captivated me musically (piano and orchestral arrangement was absolutely awesome) and lyrically. The musical support really melted together with the words and made it truly a heartfelt, thankful love letter to Jesus.

It's a song about Apostle Paul who was going through a really, really, tough time but yet was stoic and remained faithful to God. Of course he was not without his difficulties but yup, as you listen to the song, you can hear how God sustained him.

Intro to the song:


The song (but the sound not very good):


Maher describes the heart behind his debut (the CD also by the same name, "Empty and Beautiful"):
“In life, we end up having to empty ourselves to achieve that which is beautiful. If you don’t, you never really get made beautiful. It’s a weird dichotomy, especially in the world we live in because there’s so much focus on beauty. The whole idea of having to empty one’s self to achieve beauty is completely counter cultural, but that’s what happens—marriage, service of the poor, sharing the beauty of the gospel. That’s what Christ calls us to do, and I hope these songs will help inspire people to follow Jesus in that way.”
(Source: http://www.myspace.com/mattmahermusic )

this posting of my work progress really helps me keep accountable to myself...

Introduction to Family: (COMPLETED. HALLELUJAH!)
Genogram x 1 (DONE)
Role Play x 1 (DONE)
Case Study x 1 (DONE)
MCQ Test x 1 (DONE)
Overall Grade: A- (PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Group Counselling:
Individual Paper x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
Co-facilitator's Paper x 1 (STATUS: WHAT?!)
Transcripting x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
Group Counselling with Violent Youths Presentation x 1 (DONE)

Advanced Counselling:
Big Fat Essay x 1 (Panicking)

Psychopathology and Appraisal:
Case Study Presentation x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
3000 word essay x 1 (THINKING: How to do...)
Topic Presentation x 1 (DONE, waiting for group mate to do his edits)
MCQ Test x 1

***

classroom = altar call room

My God heals the sick, grows out legs (elongate) for people who have one leg shorter than the other (He does! Just ask my pastor who witnessed it first hand... i will be glad to introduce you to her), He gets cancer tumours out of people, restores sight, hearing, mobility, everything! He basically specializes in the humanly impossible. God is AWESOME!

I have 2 classmates in my class who just recently got diagnosed with back problems and I'm hearing one of them wince in pain week after week. I want so bad to bring God's kingdom into my class, to my classmates. I want to see my classmates' eyes and hearts become open and receptive to Jesus. I want to be that child of God who's working out her faith so that His greatness is shown. Like, i want my classroom to be an altar call area for people to be captivated by Christ, to want to be prayed for and to be healed (in any way, physically, emotionally, etc) because Jesus HEALS! I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to. I want Jesus to be known! I really want people to see and know that Jesus is REAL and that they are loved.

I had a thought a few days ago, which is to pray for one particular classmate, and the thought has been bugging me for a few days. I have so much fear. Yet, it is not about how big my faith is that matters, but rather, it is who i put that tiny bit of faith IN. Because it isn't me who is going to heal anyone, it is Jesus.

Imagine, if one classmate is prayed for and experieces God's love and healing, wouldn't that start a mini frenzy of sorts? I don't know for sure... But if God willing, that would be the start of a kind of revival NIE needs, the kind of revival NTU, our schools, Singapore needs!

God's people need to move in faith to bring Jesus to the people. How? If i want to experience things i've never experienced before, i need to do things that i've never done before.

How? GOD! Give me that SUPER CLEAR opportunity please? And can you tell me in my face that that IS THE opportunity? Cos you know your daughter can be duh-blur one.

But of course, there are times when God does not heal and it feels lousy but still, it is an exercise of faith, to still have faith when we see nothing obvious happen. That's what faith is about, isn't it? I guess i worry about what the person i prayed for might think... but that... isn't really my business, come to think of it. My job is to simply obey joyfully. :-) It's God's issue to take up with that person. Not mine.

a draft written on the 18th of oct 2008

I finally realized something. I realized why i used to get so "jaded" and critical during worship in church. It's because i did not sustain my own worship life outside of church.

When i say i "don't sustain", i don't mean i stop being a Christian. It just means that i don't engage with God as much as i want to. I often get too busy to talk to Him and so keep in step with Him.

You see. Every time i come to church and i go for prayer and worship with my team, or with the whole church, i feel as if i have to switch on "the whole close eyes, lift hands, holy moly actions, yada yada". But that's BECAUSE... i don't even continue my worship life outside church! OF COURSE i would feel like i have to switch on and switch off "the mode". It's suppose to be... ON the whole time.

But then, i also had the realization that worship does not HAVE to consist of those physical actions i mentioned. In actuality, u can worship any how you want to. The word i got was, "Freedom". Freedom to do anything u want, anything tt shows the Lord your heart's posture of worship.

Which is why, when i come to church after a week of conscientiously keeping quiet time, i come for worship and prayer feeling more refreshed, happy and REAL. The worship is genuine and wholehearted. The only difference is that i am now worshipping with others!

First things first. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MISS L!
Miss L is my long time jc mate and boy, have we been through a fair bit... But we always know that our friendship is worth... uh, there's no worth to match it with, it is priceless, it has crossed to the infinitely qualitive, and that's what makes us carry on as good friends after all these years though we don't meet up often at all. My friend for life! :oD

***

Introduction to Family:
Genogram x 1 (Due: 30th April, NOT DONE)
Role Play x 1 (Due: 30th April) (IMPROMPTU?!)
Case Study x 1 (DONE)
MCQ Test x 1 (DONE)

Group Counselling:
Individual Paper x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
Co-facilitator's Paper x 1 (STATUS: WHAT?!)
Transcripting x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
Group Counselling with Violent Youths Presentation x 1 (DONE)

Advanced Counselling:
Big Fat Essay x 1 (Panicking)

Psychopathology and Appraisal:
Case Study Presentation x 1 (IN PROGRESS, Due: 6th April)
3000 word essay x 1
Topic Presentation x 1 (DONE, but need to edit ppt slides for final submission!)
MCQ Test x 1

***

In other news. I passed my driving final theory test! FINALLY. FINNNAAALLLYYYY!!!!!

It took me 7 (what a nice God inspired number... God made everything in "7 days") long beautiful years for me to feel ready in mind and soul and spirit and body and emo and... you get the idea, to take up the driving challenge. I think i mentioned this before. When i finished my A levels, i went ahead just like most other JC students to go get their licenses. Once i passed my basic theory though, i just lost it because i wasn't keen on studying some more for final theory (tired of studying after A levels) and more so, i was just freaking out at the thought of driving.

SO YES. Now that i am READY, i can go for lessons any time now! I AM ELATED! (But i don't feel the elation until someone reminds me about it. I think it's because i'm too busy with school right now)

Imagine... I can soon be using the car to move around and get myself home in double quick time.

All righty. Time to go. Big thanks to everyone who has been cheering me on here and in your own ways. :-) I'm really encouraged and touched. :-)

schoolverk update 2 (updated, bold=new development)

Intro to Family:
Genogram x 1
Case Study x 1 (DONE)
Role Play x 1
MCQ Test x 1 (DONE)

Group Counselling:
Individual Paper x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
Co-facilitator's Paper x 1
Transcribing x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
Group Counselling with Violent Youths Presentation x 1 (DONE)

Advanced Counselling:
Big Fat Essay x 1

Psychopathology and Appraisal:
Case Study Presentation x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
3000 word essay x 1
Topic Presentation x 1 (DONE, but need to edit ppt slides for final submission!)
MCQ Test x 1

Chiong ah!

To my friends who have been patient with me: thanks so much for your understanding and i need er, more understanding, as you can see... Hoho.

I slept so badly last night because my mind was so anxious and kept waking me up to think about whether i should go back to my work. I was tempted once but i figured no point sleeping so little and feeling deflated throughout the day. Ironically, i am already feeling sleepy because of my failed attempt to sleep and waking up multiple times.

***

In other news, my dad blessed me with a netbook! In times like these as an older but a non-working-still-studying child, i'm appreciating things a lot more, taking less things for granted, feeling more thankful for what i've been given. (although i feel guilt!)

My current 15" lappie gives me arm and shoulder aches (my biceps actually get a good workout and they ache the next day even) every time i bring it out to do work and it's been a source of inconvenience although it is definitely more powerful. Since i inherited it from my dad, he understands the problem and i guess that was what made him more empathetic towards my needs.

I was really surprised at how readily he gave me the freedom to decide if i wanted the netbook. Usually, i would be the one trying to convince him and he would be the one telling me to think about whether i really needed it. This time it was the other way around. The option was there to get it and it was my decision as to whether i wanted to go ahead.

So now i have a lovely white Lenovo S10, called Lenny. All the lappies i've had have names... :-)
Adele (Dell): my first proper lappie of my own
AyeSirMajorGeneral (Acer): my current lappie
Lenny (Lenovo): my portable mini-me (Gem helped me name it. i said 'how about mini-me'? and he said, 'how about lenny'? I thought Lenny sounded nicer, so Lenny it is!)

I had decided to get it in black at first because the cumulative dirt will be less visible. But when i took a second look at the white, i halted the salesguy at the IT show and said i wanted white instead because if i didn't change it, i knew i would regret it! Although now i have to face the consequences of seeing a greying/browning lappie over time. Eeee. Usually i am a sorta practical person, but i figured since AyeSir was black and i use it more often anyways, it won't hurt to get a white one that i would use more only when i go out.

Adele is still alive though she once threatened to crash some time ago... That was when my dad rushed to get me an external hard drive to save everything. She's kinda slow in processing things now and her screen is riddled with these burnout lines (i think). I think i'll go clean her up (file & program-wise) one of these days when i'm done with assignments.

just to give u an insight into my school life at the moment...

I have a TON OF WORK:

Intro to Family:
Genogram x 1
Case Study x 1
Role Play x 1
MCQ Test x 1

Group Counselling:
Individual Paper x 1
Co-facilitator's Paper x 1
Transcripting x 1
Group Counselling with Violent Youths Presentation x 1

Advanced Counselling:
Essay x 1

Psychopathology and Appraisal:
Case Study Presentation x 1
3000 word essay x 1
Topic Presentation x 1
MCQ Test x 1

Guess what. NONE HAVE BEEN COMPLETED NOR STUDIED FOR. DEADLINES ARE COMING UP WITHIN THE NEXT 4 WEEKS.

You tell me how? Very dead right.

I need isolation to get all this DONE!

ARGHGHGHGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS IT!!!! THESE MOZZIES ARE DRIVING ME NUTS!

ANOTHER COLLECTION OF 5 BITES IN MY FOREHEAD!

EVEN WHEN I COVER MY HEAD, IT FLIES INSIDE AND BUZZES BESIDE MY EAR!!!

YOU ARE ALL GOING TO DIEEEEEE!!!!!!!!