random jed picks

There was a time when Jed looked silly as a pup when he stood over his water bowl... (one of my favourite shots of him)












But this time, he really DID something silly. He threw his rawhide bone into this waterbowl and couldn't get it out despite repeated attempts of batting at it with his paw. He only succeeded in spilling his water onto the floor.















His water bowl evolution.
From left to right, the first bowl: too lightweight and he began kicking his water over to spill it all over the place. Second bowl: it has got a weighted bottom, but it still didn't stop him from sticking his paw into the bowl and dragging it so that water spills out. Third bowl: You might recognise this one...... It's the "tombok" thingy (you know, the uber heavy stone bowl that probably your grandma or mom uses to mash spices together in) with a plastic bowl sitting inside it. This one proved to be a success and Jed couldn't upset his water bowl anymore. Fourth bowl: his current one, bought cheaply from IKEA, and i think it's prolly cos mom wanted the tombok back.


(experimenting with the cropping borders. i picked this one because it's kinda like the red cross sign) This was taken when Jed went to see the vet for his itchy skin. Hence the Elizabethen collar to keep him from licking the areas of skin with medicine rubbed into it.
I can't get enough of those ears. Teehee.














One of those pictures that make me want to snorgle my face against his and make silly baby cooing noises.















A trip to the dog run where he met one of the many Jack Russells. No, i do not know the guy in pink. Isn't Jed a handsome little munchkin...? He's my handsome little munchkin.

Pweentsop Fun!

I just bought this new software called "The Printshop Deluxe ProPublisher". For some of you who hail from around my, *ahem* generation, you may have had some experience with the earlier versions of The Printshop. I had a nice daddy who bought my sister and i such arty farty stuff to kickstart our creativity and... well, computer geekdom.

(honestly, i'm disappointed that it wouldn't allow me to save a photo with an edited-in border... so i had to do it manually as you can see. And it's no where as nice as the pre-made ones though. *sigh*)

As the years have passed and since kids get older... we buy mostly our own stuff now. So while i was shopping for a nice software thingy to edit photos (the original Adobe Photoshop software is maliciously priced. It's no wonder that people turn to piracy) i came across the now much more advanced version of Printshop! Lala!

And so as i'm glancing through the pre-made cards, familiarising myself with the functions and putting two and two together, i discover: "OH!!! So THAT'S HOW I CAN USE THE APPLICATIONS!" It's quite mind boggling as i sift through the designs and realize how creativity is so unique such that whether or not you get an idea for something is an "all or nothing" concept. The things that you can do seems so infinite (at the moment, to my googly eyes and drooly tongue) as long as you can think of an ingenius design on your own.

I feel as if my ideas-for-xxx are broadening, but yet i also feel like my mind is so boxed in by convention and past experience that it seems hard to not "steal" bits and pieces of already existing ideas.

I awoke today with the knowledge that i've got loads of things to do: Things to research and accomplish for others and myself. It's all good and it's going to keep me busy i guess. Even as i'm thinking of the backlog right now, i can feel the tingle of anticipation running throughout my body to my toes.

Sometimes i inevitably cause myself to panic when i sit down and really count the number of things i'm expected to do, the roles that i'm expected to fulfill and the duties and jobs that i'm suppose to accomplish. It's fun and to some extent i'm enjoying the notion that i've got stuff to engage myself with, but yet i cannot help but wish that i could complete everything instantly with one press of a button.

But it's quite a peaceful day for me so far, in the quiet of the house with Jed sleeping soundly on my bed. Somehow i feel like time is moving at a lovely easy pace. Yet at the back of my mind, a lot of things are poking at me to get my booty moving, but somehow i know it's all under control.
Goal setting and planning is in order for the next few weeks, a month or so.

Guess i'm going to need to get cracking or else this sense of control isn't going to last much longer. Daddy God, thank you for being here with me. :-)

Typing an essay out on a cold and rainy thursday afternoon is a pleasure only if you've got your beloved pet dog nestled in your lap like a hot (and furry) water bottle. Him lying here also helps me stay put in my seat to complete my essay, because i cannot bear to move him and i really needed to finish this essay by today.

Somehow his smelly doggy scent that wafts up my nose is lovely to my "K9 parental senses" and it makes me bend over to koochee him every now and then, which rouses him from his sleep.

This is the longest that he's ever stayed on my lap for a snooze... He's bigger and heavier now and perhaps he doesn't fit as well as before, but times like these bring me back to the days 4 years ago when he was a much smaller little black grub, no bigger than a small cat, who also spent some of his sleeping time curled up on my lap cosily wrapped in cloth as i did my school work at my study table.

***

My dad's who's an old ACS boy got Founder's Day dinner tonight leh. He said that the whole cohort for his year successfully filled two dinner tables. Not bad, i say. How come my SCRUM Network group leader not working one?

Proof that Joline is a Doofus

"Joline" should be placed in the Oxford Dictionary to mean: "scatter brained". Eg. Don't be so joline!

I bought a card, wrote in it, placed it in its envelop, wrote very prettily the name of the recipient, stuck a stamp on the envelope and had it sent on its way to my receiver.

But i didn't write her address on the envelope.

I spent yesterday afternoon venturing around town (Raffles Place) accompanying a young secondary school going youth in snapping shots of what inspired him. (picture a 22 year old bounding beside a 15-16 year old)

It wasn't so much a physically demanding day, but it really was quite a mentally taxing day... In trying to make the whole photo taking outing well meaning, in keeping our conversations fruitful and also in trying not to be push my fuddy-duddy-old-conventional-bore-of-a-nerd personality that i am.

I prayed really hard on the bus... Pleading with God to guide me, to lead me in my words and actions, to shake me from my fears, to just be there with me throughout. For those of you who know me, i'm petrified of people. So you can imagine, i was trembling in my shoes when i had to buddy a youth on my own, of whom i do not know that well, and a youth that's "at risk".

And i really thank Him for being so thoughtful... It was really nice that i was paired up with this guy whom i had the opportunity to talk to for a bit during a previous weekend when we got to the meet the youths for the first time. Oh, and better still, he is from my alma mata. :-D Father God's so funny.

I was quite alarmed initially when my buddy decided to venture off away from the other groups to forge our own photo trail, but the good side to that was he was so self-motivated that i didn't have to worry all that much about having to ride on the enthusiasm of the other groups to evade the issue of slacking or taking "nonsensical" shots. He pretty much led the way and took quite a lot of good pictures. Ah, God knows what i can and can't deal with.

Ah, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it was a breeze to keep some things in check though.

But after the day was done... i was left with so many thoughts. (I realize why i'm such an apathic, and numb person. It's because when i DO feel and think of stuff, i shove them aside because i'm too lazy and afraid to process them. So much so that it's become habitual.)

Because of that bad habit, i really cannot remember much of what i was thinking of, but the most salient thing that has stuck with me from yesterday is this thought: "So now that everything (your volunteer work) is over, what are you going to do from here?"

Now I remember feeling emotionally drained and even relieved that i didn't need to try so hard to drive things along anymore. Like, "Oh man, thank goodness it's over", and sanity returns to my bones.

But then my next thought was: "Is this where it's just going to end? Are you going to let your life revert back to the comfortable and self-centred trundle? Was this just a one time thing? Is this where your so-called 'caring for others' ends?"

I've already seen and heard bits and pieces of what these youths have gone through, and the kinds of lives they live. My educational pathway has brought me through the portals of the good and not so good schools, and i've seen some of the polar ends and different facets of society. Not many, but my horizons are broadening slowly.

I feel challenged by something or someone as i look back on my life and think about what i want to do for life. Many people in the past month or so have posed me THE QUESTION: So what are you going to do in future as a career?

Often, i give the same answer: "I don't know and i'm lost and still discovering." Perhaps an excuse to buy more time to think about what i'm going to do with myself, and perhaps even, more time to NOT think about it.

I'm now trying to look at my life from a macro point of view and i'm asking myself: What has God been putting me through all these years? And through what he's done, who's that completed person at the end of the road that He's envisioned me to be? Who is she and how will she eventually use what she has to serve Him?

I have less than half a year to get some solid options out on paper.

PS: I feel a sense of profound happiness, pride and fulfilment whenever i look at the straw star he made me, and the lollipop he placed into my hands (i cannot bear to eat it, and the ants must NOT get it!). I smile inside when i think back on how in little ways, he showed his care and consideration for me. :-) Thanks L, despite the things in life that you have to bear with, i truly hope that you'll allow God to work in you and change you into the man he wants you to be.

drawing near

This sounds rash but i'll still say it. I want to always be in a state of spiritual brokenness. Because that's the only time when every song i sing and hear makes so much more personal sense and is filled with so much more meaning than when i am feeling as if everything is going my way. It's the only time when i feel closest to God, that when i pray, i pray with a sense of welcoming emptiness, a sense that God is calling and wanting me to draw near to Him to feel satisfied in Him alone, to fill that void.

But can one "maintain" spiritual brokenness? What "causes" that brokenness? Is it a willful decision or a consequence of environmental events?

Implications... Implications... Hmmm...

***

I was speaking with a friend, and she has neatly summed up the kaypoh-ness that i have, which i think can be an occupational hazard in the psychological/counselling line, into a nice euphemism: Kaypoh = Concern.

I like. Heehee.

I very amused.

Courtesy of Death Predictor

It's pretty much nonsense (see, i AM bored) so i tried it multiple times to see what original silliness they can come up with.

Jo: At age 48 you will die fighting the Interplanetary War on Terrorism on Phobos, a moon of Mars.

jo: At age 27 your prototype flying machine will work, and while aloft on its maiden voyage a passenger jet will take you into it's jet engine, and throw you out as a mist.

jo: At age 62 you will die while partaking in a particularly intense meditation session.

jo: At age 39 aliens will abduct you and use your body for *censored, PG rated blog* before dropping you off outside of a local homeless shelter smelling of beer.

The things people come up with and the things bored people do...

Should i be flattered?

A friend just told me that he thinks i'm a "simple and innocent girl", and that when he first saw me, he knew i was "different", that i was the "smart type, good with studies", "and studying to use up time and get a degree". Despite my probing, he certainly didn't add that i was "nice", which i can agree with since i tend to be miss bossy-domineering-loud.

HAHA.

I guess my interpretation of that would simply be... "Nerd."

*snigger*
Besides, it's hardly surprising.

Bored.

Lets see, what am i doing now on the 3rd day of Chinese Noo Yah................

Ever so often i'm going onto the internet to look for anything to entertain me. Checking my two email accounts over and over, checking for blog comments and tags over and over, reading the blogs of other famous so-and-sos in hope to find that they would've updated or that i'd find a new interesting blog to read... er, over and over.

And then i'm doing my abnormal psych essay. And while i'm stoning away, i watch my cute little cursor (a red colour galloping-on-the-spot horse) do its thing on the screen. Sometimes i'd move my mouse to the right so that Mr Red Horse will look like it's running across my screen.

I'm all alone. For now, at least. And i'm glad for the peace right now.

Oh and hey! I've found a really neat video on youtube. I play the flute every now and then, and i suck pretty bad... This is insanely good stuff! Check out the beatboxing, the flutter tongue, the double and triple tongueing, the breathing technique, the lightning quick fingering, super arrangement, man... this guy owns. He even does Sesame Street and Mario Brothers! (personally, i prefer the inspector gadget and mario ones better)



Ok, joline is officially bored. stay tuned for more nonsense from me if you're as bored as me. i bored, i blog, so if u bored u read. hur hur hur.

I've just snagged myself the cutest guy EVAH.

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Ok, his brother in the background in red is seriously cute stuff too... but he's the moodier one lah. Brian is friendlier! (if you click on the photo to enlarge it, you'll be able to see the mister boy in red clearer.)

Here's another picture of him peeling off the wrapper of a cny goody thing.



note: i realized that the pictures just don't cut it... You've got to see the 2 boys real time, and when you do, it's just the ultimate cuteoverload.

Blessed Chinese New Year Everybody! *warm handshake* I know how it's like to go about visiting, it can be fun and tiring, but on the bright side, hey, you're renewing ties lah, and that should be all gooood, yuh? Oh, and i've prepared an ang pao each for both mom and dad. Ssshhh, don't tell. ;-)

Gosh, my boss was so nice, giving us a lunch treat as well as oranges and *gawwsh*, an ang pao too. I'm still soaking in too much reverence and awe to open it. Yes, i'm a silly girl, i know.

In other good news, Adele is now 95% repaired by resident computer master in the home, daddy. For some reason, Adele couldn't access the internet efficiently and it frustrated me quite a bit. Adele's been sort of reformatted, so things are looking much better. *beams*

***

Another person asked me on friday, "Are you mixed?". This time, i asked him what he meant by "mixed", and yeah, he meant Eurasian. So, in light of my observations of the concurrence of certain points of info, i now conclude that my so-called mixed look is a result of my untannable fair skin (gah...) and my fake red-brown hair (dyed one lor).

***

All i want to do after visiting granny tomorrow is to sit down and do my essay!

Going to sleep now. I survived today on only 3plus hours of sleep, and it was a VERY disturbed 3plus hours of sleep throughout. Thank God for bringing me through.

I met this teacher from church a few years back and she said that based on experience and her observation, she can probably see my future career having to do with things of the heart and emotion, while my sister's future career would deal with practical stuff. She's right, so far.

Hmm.

I'm lost with respect to what i want to do in future. Totally. The steadfastness of wanting to join the SPF as an officer has waned in light of recent life experiences. Perhaps i may still work there, but not as a woman in uniform. I can't say for sure still. I'll see where the Lord draws my heart to.

***

Some people have commented that i looked: "mixed". What do people mean when they say "mixed"? Is there a fixed and understood meaning of it in Singapore? From what i know, if someone wanted to say that you looked Japanese, they would say, "You look a bit Japanese." or, "You look like an Indonesian-Chinese". So, what do they mean when they say "mixed"?

Before running off to feel flattered and blogging about how good i feel about myself for having caucasoid features, i must first ask them what they mean by "mixed". Maybe what i have are actually features of their favourite gold fish or their beloved pet chihuahua.

For the record, and to set it straight, i look completely mongoloid. Slits for eyes, fair yellow toned skin, the works.

But i can still daydream. Haha. *snort*

Do you notice how i write the above as if meaning that having caucasoid features are desirable? Ah, food for thought again on the topic again of what beauty is, yo.

***

I spent V Day with thousands of strong silent types, staring down hard at me as i walked by them... They were knowledgable and complicated people, and i certainly couldn't judge their colourful characters by just their covers. I even got to take some of them into a private room to get a piece of them.

Ok, ok... My day was less exciting than you think lah!

I was surrounded by them reference books and then a room full of photocopying machines at the National Library. *wistful sigh*
No pony riding or sky gazing for Gem and i at the moment. Busy, busy we are.

I've been thinking about this for the past two weeks, on whether i should go back to the good old days of standing in the hot sun or pouring rain in a big field, holding a device that would allow me to kill anything or anyone if i ever happen to lose my grip on sanity.

Yeah, i'm talking about archery.

It's been a really sore point to talk about when people ask me if i'm still shooting. It's usually the same response: "no...., not at the moment." said with a pained and almost apologetic look on my face. But the feelings of missing archery has never dulled.

Too many things converged at one point in my life around 1+ years ago which made me take a break from shooting till this day. It pricks my heart when i look at my bow sitting in a corner, unused and collecting dust. There was a time when the leather case was always covered in respectable mud and dirt from the field. Never dust.

I'm still in the midst of arranging my priorities and time alloted to each goal, so in due time i should be able to see if i can slot in alternate sundays for the sport that i fell hook, line and sinker for.

There is always a spectrum of arguments for the for and against... But still. I really like this advert that i got to know about from www.mrbrown.com:



I'm impressed by what Dove is doing, being proactive and in-your-face about challenging the stereotypes of "beauty". You might say that it's a futile attempt to the change the mind of every single person, given how embedded these ideas already are in society in general.

(but note how at different times in history, different norms were present and lauded! So i'm not saying that being skinny IS BAD, i'm just saying that we don't have to let stereotypes govern our judgements.)

But yet, you've got to hand it to them for stepping out and giving a voice and platform for the inner cries of, dare i say, every woman who wants to be seen as beautiful regardless of stereotypes, in a world such as this.

I find it absolutely thought provoking. Quite an age old topic, but it never fails to cause a stir.

I took a little Dove Self-Esteem Quiz, and i must say that it's spoken right into me quite a bit and practically too, so much so that i've actually written it down in my diary. Feels nice to get some advice that actually makes sense. :-)

OH MY GOSH... This is FREAKY. Ok, i was going to write a new post today about how i feel that my writing style in my posts are beyond poetic (erm, "beyond" meaning on the other polar end of the spectrum). My posts sound exactly the way it would if i were talking to you face to face. Nothing flowery, nothing poignant. Just pure straight talk from a straight up honest girl.

Then i remembered that i wrote this "poem" some time ago... And the topic was also about "the way i write".

And GUESS WHAT. I found the post and "poem" and ......................... discovered that it was also written on the 7th of Feb, 2006. EXACTLY ONE YEAR FROM TODAY.

Do my thoughts and emotions occur in a cyclical pattern or WHAT?! I'm doomed to be a boring person!!!!! *screams and runs around in circles*

Tuesday, February, 7th, 2006

Teehee, i'm no poet, but decided to try my hand at one. So here goes...:

To open thy heart before, 'tis a risk i did take,
But somewhere along the line, i realized i risked forsake.
But sometimes the urge becomes so strong,
So I simply just scribble some obscure song.

Such is the silliness of my public blog,
For one who fears getting severely mobbed.
Hence the things i type and publish,
Are mostly selfish, and some just rubbish.

It's for all to see, this online real estate,
But I know not who treads on this slate.
Nevertheless i thank the readers,
Who've often visited as this Vacuum's feeders.

Deep level discourse and embellished writings i have not,
Breathtaking photos, i also boast naught.
Witty lines and flowing expression,
Are more likely non existent than inner suppression.

Then again there was once a time,
When words arrived so clear and fine.
"Eloquent and articulate" were terms i favoured,
Thoughts borne of conceit and pride, they escalatored.

But then Life had a way to suck me out dry,
I open my mouth and nothing would fly.
When i once could slice a person in half,
Now, I'm as docile as a calf.
(ok, maybe not really. edited: but it rhymes. hahaha.)

I look back upon the days of yore,
When suaning people was never a chore.
Though i'm watered down some with more to learn,
A dagger sharp mind, i still do yearn.

Hence often times i feel the evil green,
Creeping and seeking to consume and preen.
But then i think: "I Am Me",
My value, my worth: In the God i can't see.

So i worry less though still plagued at times,
But i remind myself: Don't waste your time;
"I am who i'm meant to be
Says the God who crafts perfectly".

***

Some of the.. eh.. what do you call them? Stanzas? Some of them are a little obscure because i had to compress a long story into 4 short lines. So even i have to stop to recall what i had meant to say when i was fashioning the stanza.

Off to mug... And wonder about how my mind freaks me out sometimes. Ask Gem, he'll tell you about some of my psychic moments. Muah hahahaa.. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

I'm amused that one of the authors of my british written textbooks has "Woodhead" for his sirname. HAHAHAHA. Kayu!

***

ok, i was surprised but i'm happy nonetheless. Singapore won the ASEAN Football Championship! During the (church) band jamming i had on sunday, i overheard one of my mates say to another: "Singapore will win. Definitely." I was tempted to ask him how he could be so sure and whether... God told you ah?

And the Thais were nice throughout, so yay. :-)

I was amused at myself when i leapt to my feet from my reclining position with my arms flailing in the air and screaming like a loony. The goal was sooooooooo sweet i tell you. Flanked by defenders but he slotted the ball in so seamlessly. Awesome...

***

Speaking of "loony-s". Quite a number of years ago when i was in primary school, i went on a trip to Australia with my family. So there i was at the cashier paying for something and being new to the currency, i wasn't sure which coin was which. The nice lady at the cashier said to me, "there, that one with the Loony behind (the coin)".

Unfortunately for Ignorant Me, i didn't know that the bird engraved "on the back" of the coin was called a "Loony". So i was flipping the coin back and forth, looking for a "Loony". And mind you, the other picture on the flipside of the coin was the picture of the Queen.

Teehee, to someone who knew what a loony was, i probably looked like a cheeky kid who was trying to decide who the Loony was.

On hindsight, my rude mind would probably be adding a caption under that incident: "Which one?"
No offence of course, to the Queen.

***

Anyway, i read through the most recent posts and they sound pretty much like the rantings of a very negative and disturbed person. Truth be told, while i may be the pessimist, i'm not dysfunctional! I may be dysfunctional is some ways, but i'm just an ordinary person who needs to rant and here's the best place because i don't need to pester someone out for coffee so that s/he can listen to me, and you can easily click off to a happier website when you feel like it.

Yesterday i went for my first 3km in almost 2 months ever since i came down with the flu. Wasn't all that enjoyable even though i've lost 1kg and should have felt lighter on my feet. Instead, i've lost the light bounce in my jogging step, and the tightness that i used to feel when i was fit was gone. I had to force my lead weight legs to move faster than a brisk walk. My breathing was heavier and i got tired faster. Looks like i've got to work at it all over again. Man, getting sick messes up your health.

It's only been 2 months since the standard chartered run, but it feels like almost 6 months ago!

Lots of things lined up for me this month. Good friend has left Sg, trying to get into the role of being a buddy leader in cell without cell group meetings, involving myself in Spectra365 that'll require all my wit, heart and soul, getting school work done, doing stuff for a close friend's important day, thinking about my band and how to make things better for them. Even Gem and i haven't spoken a lot. Did someone say "how about V Day?" Probably going to be non-existent.

Tell me how not to be knackered... Mentally and emotionally. And some say spiritually.

I find it sad (ie, as in "of concern" as well as "pathetic") that people would have in mind to harm a fellow human being over a game of soccer, specifically, the Asean Football Championship Finals that will be played in Bangkok this weekend. An Important Game for an Important Sport, yes, Controversial first leg, yes, Glory at stake for the Thailand team, yes, Strong Emotions, yes.

But is turning to violence really necessary? What good would it do for the country, what do they stand to gain except to be remembered as violent uncivilized zealots?

The supporters of our Singapore team who were at the National Stadium were not any better either... They jeered the Thailand team on a couple of accounts, which is altogether nasty and obnoxious behaviour as well. It does nothing to help the situation expect to add fuel to the fire.

Interesting how human behaviour can be so drastic given the "right" conditions.

***

I really hate it how i'm busy with everything except my schoolwork. I'm not being studious here, it's just that DUH, school has started and so school's on top of the list of priorities. I've taken on so many roles, official and unofficial, that i find myself swamped with having to tie a lot of loose ends that can take up an entire morning, or afternoon, or even the whole day. If this keeps up, very soon i'm going to be lagging behind my work and i can't afford to do that given this's my final year.

I'm hoping things will settle down soon. If they don't, i may need to drop something, or i just need to do things faster, or i just need to give up some of my own pleasures, or i just need to use my time even more efficiently. As it is, every second of my time has been used to achieve something that i wouldn't consider a waste of time. The only thing that i refuse to give up so far is my sleep and that's because I just can't function right if i don't get enough sleep.

Well, in a good sense, this probably means that life's been interesting with the variety, with purposes and goals, with minor and major adventures embedded in everything i encounter. Lets just hope that my perfectionist side and high strung self doesn't snap in the midst of all this.

Farewell

All the Best to one of my ACJC mates, Pdus... (i like this photo and knowing that you don't frequent this site a lot, i shall take my chances and post this up. Muah hahaa...)

Study hard ok, and make sure you stay there for the full course term hor! As much as we'll miss you, you better stay there for 5 years and don't come back after 6 months! (but of course, do take holidays back to Singapore won't you)

Who knows, i might join you on the continent near your place of study. ;-) Kangeroos and wombats and koalas, oh my.

Signing up for Spectra365 wasn't an easy decision for me. (and i don't think i made it easier for Lala... Sorry girl. :-S)

Knowing myself, getting involved in community projects are probably one of the last things that i would -willingly- do. The simple reason, as well as irony, is that i fear people. I fear meeting people, i love AND hate small talk, i feel that i'm not a confident person who's settled comfortably into her own skin. And mind you, all these churning in me alongside the desire to be able to help people.

During the decision making process, i had to give up something that although affirmed me in my gifts, it played up my ego (the bad side to serving on stage). It was either that, or joining the project. But something in me would not allow myself to have any peace if i didn't commit a handful of saturdays to the project. With much struggling and deliberation, i said "yes". In that same instant, i felt very strongly that i did the right thing BUT, i also felt jittery. I could feel the skeletons in my closet clattering away in anxiety.

The first day of Spectra365 came and left, seeing around 80-90 young volunteers going through a ropes course to build up our confidence, to enable us to see the parallel between that and what was to come.

Sometimes you just need to take the first step to overcome your fear. It doesn't mean your fear disappears, it just means that you managed to pluck up the courage to face the challenge. Also, we learnt that we need to face our challenges alone at times, and that we may not always have the benefit of having people around us to cheer us on. Yet, that doesn't mean that we stop in our endeavours. So, the upcoming challenge for all of us will be meeting, bonding and working together with youths at risk in the saturdays ahead.

Previously, at the point of saying yes to the project, i was under the impression that we were going to be dealing with children. But as things moved along, we were recently told that we were going to deal with youths (13 to 20-ish years old).

I baulked at first. Scared out of my wits. With youths, you inevitably get a more complex person to deal with.

But then it dawned on me... How i used to tell myself that given a choice, i'd rather be with secondary school students if i ever got to be a teacher. In other words, i realize that this is the perfect opportunity for me to reach out to the very group of people i want to, without having to be a teacher, and they're not just any "regular" youths in that general sense, but youths who will require something extra.

I know it'll be naive of me to think that i can 100% change or be a 100% ultra-positive-impact on someone's life in only a few days, but that isn't going to stop me from trying my best to do what i can.

And so it is with cheerful anxiety and joyous fear (plus cranking and storing up on the PR juices) that i'll wait till the day that i can meet the youth that i'll be attached to. Girl or guy, it doesn't matter... Lets see what magic we'll create together when we go on our photo taking trip at the end of Feb!

(Note: we're to take about one or a few days to break the ice with the youths at the beneficiaries' place, then there'll be a designated route for a photo taking trip where we'll work together with the youths to take photos together)

I'm probably going to need to study some national geographic magazines while i'm preparing for it though. My knowledge of photography is sooo limited. Teehee.

This is self centred, but it's true... It hurts me when i can't say the right things to help someone because i can't fully read, comprehend and understand the pain a friend is going through.

I have long "prided" myself in the ability to see where someone was coming from and therefore give advice that is most relevant and that hits the nail on the head; to speak words that make a friend feel genuinely better, such that they really feel like the load on their shoulders has lifted. I enjoy being able to do that, to be there for others as the listening ear and soggy but firm shoulder. (Hence my chosen major in psychology too, a decision i made in secondary school)

But things have kind of changed and I'm sick of saying "i understand", only to say, in the next moment, something that they don't agree with.

I also find myself always trying to be everyone's best friend, and don't ask me how this came about. I've long given up on the notion of "best friends", since primary school (see how cynical i was already?).

But yeah, i have a tendency to hope that people would share their lives with me, that they would feel comfortable enough to open up and talk about their innermost feelings, thoughts and plans, as well as their struggles. Truly, i do feel sad when i feel like i can't connect with someone at that level.

Honestly and i'll admit that I think that a lot of this "wanting to feel close to and feeling like i can help someone", though is well meaning on my part for the benefit of the other person, is also a lot about trying to fill up a void in me caused by years of feeling rejected.

Strangely, in trying to be someone's best friend, to be someone who's needed by someone else, the tables are turned: it becomes me needing to cling onto someone(s) to have that feeling of security of being wanted.

I can't remember the last time i bared my soul to a friend. It's as though as the years progress, my friends all lie on the same plane. Don't get me wrong, i've got quite a few people i consider good, and very good friends. But somehow no one really gets past the smooth glass floor that separates my soul from them. You can look through it, you can see what's happening beneath, but you can't crash through it to be fully immersed in my life.

So there seems to be two issues at hand here.
1. Feeling that people don't open up - is it something wrong on my part, too high expectations of others? perhaps i'm just not someone they want to speak to after all.
2. Is there something i'm subconsciously holding back on my side?

Obviously, i have no clue about this... And i've just realized that this is a darn honest blog post. Well, it's a "thinking out loud" post after all: More personal, less politically correct and it's got way more sensitive information.

Actually, i've recently decided that apart from my vital stats and where i live and other information, i'm going to allow myself to be more honest and i won't really care too much about how it's all going to sound. I suppose i'm practicing the skill of "getting to the point" when talking about how i truly feel. Hence "thinking out loud".

I guess i could suppose also that the very people who see posts like these from now on do get to see a bit of my soul after all... (i wonder who has stuck around since 2003??? It's been quite boring along the way, i'll be the 1st to confess) You, my thevacuum readers, of whom are friends i see every now and then, others i reckon i'll never see but still leave me comments of which i really appreciate, and better yet, those who will never reveal themselves to me.

***

From June 13, 2006.

I really should stop taking photos that are simply look-at-camera-and-smile types. B-O-R-I-N-G.

Remembering that i had a memory triggering aid in the form of a CD with a sizeable number of photos of my JC mates, i sifted through my pile of CDs, found it and popped it into the drive.

I'm smiling as i click through and view them one by one. The ones that especially trigger those feelings of nostalgia and that fuzzy warmth are those that capture in a sweet frame our madcap antics, smiles that were caught in a split second without the purposeful bunching of certain muscles for that practiced smile some of us have tried to perfect.

The best pictures are those that allow you to see more than a smile plastered on a face, the kind that reveals to the viewer the reflection of the sentiment(s) of that moment through the body language of the photo's subjects. It's a joy to see us close friends just being ourselves, the way we are.

And then i think, we don't always have to smile for photos, do we? Yeah. We don't.

Think about how different it would be if we took photos of ourselves in times when we are feeling anguish, when our eyes are sore and swollen with prolonged crying, when our faces reflect emptiness, dull from the sapping of all positivity.

If photos are about capturing moments to remember, are not times of unhappiness worthy of being remembered, or captured, too? Thinking back on events past and seasons of our lives need not always have to stir good emotions. Our lives are a collection of far more than that.

Life is equally ugly as it is beautiful.

(and oh how i've been living up to this... haven't graduated to crying pictures yet though)

I saw you on those pages and read the things that you've accomplished: your title, your place, your position, the people around you... you seemed loved by all and you were looking good. I found myself admiring you, and then found myself wondering why i was even admiring you.

Why was i drawn to your fame and success?

In the past, i never really understood the thing about fame and success because i felt that it wasn't something that applied to me. It was something "other people" faced, and although there will always be a degree of wanting some kind of fame, i knew that part of me was well in check, and it was something i could handle easily.

But when i saw what you had and who you had become, there was a sudden longing to want to be associated with you again.

I surprised myself with the intensity of my emotions. I felt like i, and what i had, was lacking. And i somehow wished that i, or the people around me could measure up to you... so that i could have someone or something to boast about. I used to take pleasure in speaking of you, did you know that? I loved how people gawked and thought that you were so amazing.

I can't do that anymore though. Though there's only one degree of separation, we're figuratively worlds apart now.

Catching myself in that instant, i felt the reality of what has been said before.

Why do i need to concern myself with other people's lot in life? Each of us has been given an individual and unique life to lead, all of them different. Some of us bask in the limelight, some of us work in the background, all at different times, in varying degrees, or none at all. It's just the way things are.

When we place our self worth against the standards of the world, we will live quite consistently sad and dissatisfied lives until we see ourselves redeemed in some worldly accepted way. So for the rest of the time in life, we'll be consciously or subconsciously longing and slaving away to reach and grasp some kind of redemption to comfort ourselves, that we've managed to achieve "a level of dignity".

For those few minutes as i sat there with dread and envy rolled into one, i tasted the true and raw emotions of what it was like to feel worthless according to the world's standards. And it was heart wrenching, condemning, bitter, evil, heavy and depressing.

As i said, than i began to wonder why i was even feeling that way... and i collected the pieces of myself that were all over the floor and came to realize the truth: My worth and my identity is in Christ, in God. And when Christ is who i'm rooted in, what the world holds in acclaim hasn't even got a place of importance in my heart. Truthfully, what God thinks of me matters so much more then anything or anyone else. Really, nothing that i achieve matters in His eyes because he's looking at my heart and soul, not what my heart and soul achieves. I'm already special, already perfect and pleasing to God.

In those short moments, i experienced both the insecurity of worthlessness, and the security of being found in God, swinging from heavy heartedness to blessed freedom. And i know that i wouldn't want to compare myself with anyone ever again, because it really hasn't got any logical sense to do so. My life's worth is not measured by the number of titles that the world clamours after, but by whether i have, in my capabilities, lived out this life's lot that i was given, to the fullest.

I have a beautiful piece of news, and it's all thanks to GOD!

Well, last year i was in a tough administration fight with SIM over the schedule of my modules: the only two modules that i can take this semester clash, same day, same time. So that meant that i had no choice but to make certain sacrifices as to which lessons i could go for.

Then, shortly after i gave in to the rigid system, with horror i realized that both these modules fall on friday night, that is, the night on which i have cell group, kinda like a bible study group.

Cell group has been a very integral part of my life since 2004, because it's where my life took a turn for the better as i grew in my walk with the Lord. With this additional problematic layer, i ultimately had three things at the same time and i can't possibly tear myself into 3 parts.

I spoke to some of my church mates about this, and they prayed for me and the situation, and submitted it to God.

Well, yesterday i checked my timetable again and without notice from the school, i discovered that both my modules have been shifted to mondays. Which means that fridays are free for cell group! Praise God!

My modules still clash, but i'm sure, without a shadow of a doubt, that i can triumph over this with God by my side.

Like what Mer, WR and Dom have said, God has a beautiful way of working with and for his people as he works behind the scenes to bring us through. Even in times when things look so impossible, look up to the one who specializes, masters, majors, in impossibilities, and you'll know that he'll take care of it in his time according to his plan.

Somehow, i wasn't worrying too much about this before because i knew that God wouldn't want me to miss out on cell group, which is a place where we come together to praise and seek God and fellowship with other Christians, UNLESS he had other plans for me. Like, going to another cell group? Haha.

Thanks to all of you who've been praying and asking me about the state of school affairs.

So yeah, bring it on! I'm all prepared, and ready.

I know my doggy loves me when he chooses to lie down *on a location* near me in the same room even when he has the obvious choice of trotting over to my sis's room to snuggle deep underneath the duvet on her bed that's perpetually undone: perfect for a small dog to burrow into on a chilly sunday morning.

Note i said *on a location*, and not *next to me*, because he still insists on having some level of creature comfort, ie, sleeping on a soft, squishy surface. He hopped onto my lap a while ago as i was surfing the net at my dad's study table, presumably to analyze his snooze location but found it wanting. (oooh, am i not soft and squishy? i suppose that would be good news for me... muah hahahaa)

After some room exploration, he discovered that there was a mattress drapped upon the massage chair that he could snooze on. Reading his body language (he tip toes, standing on his 2 hind legs and lifts his head up to peer at his destination with longing), i figured the mattress was too high for him to hop onto so i gave him an express lift and so he's now lounging satisfied and peacefully asleep. (mom and dad would balk at this but i don't care. teehee.)

I love, love, love, Jed... and the communication and bond that we have. :-) There are just some things that simply can't be bought by food, which is almost pretty much the source of motivation for a lot of things.

Ok, this is going to sound sad but yes. I can't access the internet at home for some unfathomable reason and so i'm using the office internet connection to blog. Which is why it's a good and bad thing to be at the office on a saturday. -.-"

It's been raining non-stop for a couple of days on end and being a person who tends to see rain as a literal dampener on most of my most ideal forms of recreation, i've been most annoyed no less. Most of the disdain for it lies in that somehow i've evolved (YES, i used to be able to tahan the cold pretty well) into this pathetic creature who shivers and whines once the temperature hits below 25degrees. You'd think that most people who live in the tropics would LOVE lowered temperatures for a change, but no, i love my searing sunshine.

But yesterday i had so much fun on my own in the rain... Almost bordering on boh-liaoness, for lack of another word for it, and insanity (?). I was suppose to meet lakeside girl to pass her a couple of tees but instead made a classic blur jo move and went to another destination within the same area instead of meeting her directly. Making the deviation meant tramping through nice, huge, deep puddles of cold rain water that streamed down from the nearby field (EARTHWORM ALERT!!!) to collect in depressions along the stretch of pavement that led to the train station.

I haven't felt this kind of blissful simplicity in a such a long time: hugging myself tightly under the shelter of my foldable brolly, flip flopping (props to my brand new pink Arena slippers that prevented embarrassing wet-knee-to-cement accidents) through the puddles which resulted in drenched legs and shorts, having jazz music pumping into my ear drums, eating that packet seaweed thing (Tae Ki Noi? How do you spell that) and talking to and laughing with myself and God at the same time.

Yes, i was happy.

Rain, nature, God, food, self, the sound of rain, washing my seaweedy fingers in the rain, music.

Simple pleasures.

I am...

I'm amazed at the amount of thoughts on life lessons and observations that go through my head and get processed while i iron. Not a good reason to iron, but you get what i mean. As quick as the thoughts come, i forget them just as easily once i'm done with my pile of clothes. Bah.

I've just switched to the new blogger as you can tell and i'm still trying to take everything in, being the technoidiot i am.

Anyway, today i just thought i'd remind myself of the "who i ams". Often times i forget the myriad of roles that make up "me", and i make the mistake of unwittingly glossing over my responsibilities and the tasks linked to each identity.

This isn't prompted by the first sermon of the year, but somehow it just clicks and seems appropriate to do at this point in time. Oh and yeah, it's got nothing to do with that mostly poignant "I am" meme either.

So..., I AM:

A beloved child and willing servant of the Most High King, Jesus Christ.

A family member of the Lim clan, daughter, and unofficial part-time Maria.

A family member of the Ng Clan, a cousin AND aunty to cousins' kids.

Weirong's significant other.

A friend to all my friends. Not wise to list out the different groups here though. :-)

A Birthday I/C.

A cell attendence taker.

A member of, and a keyboardist in the Youth Worship Ministry @ COOS, playing in my band: Tehillah.

One fifth of a leadership.

A sort of leader helping out with the worship ministry understudies.

A rusty compound Archer, and sort of absent ACS committee member.

A Student of UniSIM, doing and loving psychology, hoping to be of some help to people one day.

A front desk worker at a certain psychology centre.

***

Ok, reckon this's all i can think of for the moment. Getting rather drowsy, i suspect it's the cough syrup i took earlier on.

Do you like quirky and unique earrings, like lego pieces and guitar picks as the focal point?

Check out http://plastickbricks.livejournal.com to take a look at their collection, and if you like what you see, make a purchase! I DID!!! I bought like, 3 pairs of lego earrings and i'll be getting a guitar pick one soon. I bet they'd come in handy, hee.

The workmanship's good and the sellers are really nice people, this couple from my church youth music ministry and this is just their new little business venture.

***

THANK GOODNESS for YOUTUBE and PEOPLE WHO POST UP SHOWS!

Now i can enjoy Whose line Is it Anyway any time i want. Oh the Hoedowns... They're HILARIOUS!

I was off on an unintentional hiatus, and i must say that i don't really like not able to blog, AND i don't really like having nothing/feeling as if i have nothing to say.

Really, there's just so much to share if i can only get my thoughts in order.

Maybe for now, i'll just let some pictures do the talking.



Jun and I horsing around during a recent wedding dinner of 2 of our church leaders.







Pretty cupcakes that were screaming at me to take a shot of them. Thanks Denise dear. :-DDD







My band, "Tehillah". Tehillah means "Exuberant Praise" in hebrew. See you guys on friday for practice!
L-R standing: Shan Yu, Shawn, Marcus, Chris, Chris, Oliver
L-R kneeling: Cheryl, Unidentified Creature, Nat.
(youth worship ministry camp, or, YWMC)





Is that... Cousin It?
L-R, clockwise: Lynn, Nat, Justin, Kenny, Cousin It?
(YWMC)






Cousin It Revealed.
L-R clockwise: Nat, Justin, Me, Kenny.
(YWMC)






Lots more photos, but i'm too lazy to wait for blogger to load it. Ha.
Oh, and nuts... I've put on weight!

When i opened his present... I laughed super out loud, and then hooted and woot-ed...

(Laughed: "WOW! THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN LUSTING AFTER! Hoot and Woot: "WOAH! UNCANNY MAN!!!" and upon closer inspection, "WOAH! HIGH END STUFF LEH!")

Not that it was something i didn't like, in fact, it was something that i've always debated over whether to buy... erm, as in, lip gloss. (ok, anti-climax lah, but don't pop my bimbo moment ok?)

Every time i'm at the pharmacy, i'll pick up the colour that i like and clutch it in my hand as i move around the shop. But it would take me only a few minutes of re-consideration before i put it down again in the rack.

Yeah, so like it said, when i opened his present... I was surprised to see FOUR SHADES OF LIP GLOSS all prettily displayed in a transparent box. And it was from a high end brand ok...... Woahh... *bug eyes*

I wonder whether it's because he notices that i don't put anything on my lips for work or whether he thought that (most) girls can't have too much of make-up anyways.
If it's the former, that would make him not only a very perceptive psychologist, but also a very keen observer of small details, or the lack of them.

Seriously, God has a sense of humour. I'm being blessed with the things that i've always wanted to get but never did. First came the mp3 player, then my nice 4 tubes of lip gloss. Whee!

OH AND...

I've just opened another present and... it's more lip stuff! (haven't opened it so i don't know if it's gloss or lip stick)
Anyways, thanks girl! Hoohoo!

Talk about abundant blessings.

And.... Thank You NTU Cell for your birthday card and present! Thanks to Gem who always has the knack for making and picking the things i like very much. ;-DDDD

Just wanted to say that i feel so blessed by everyone around me, as well as Daddy God.

In the past few weeks, he probably saw and provided me the "want" that i've been eyeing for a while, and for FREE. I did nothing to deserve it, and it pretty much just landed in my lap. He's also blessed me with people who care, and He has also brought me through situations where i know i would have messed up if i had relied on myself to succeed.

*

Woo, i wonder what i should wear for the wedding on the 1st of Jan. I'll be playing for the service, so need to "wear nice nice", as pastor puts it. :-D White and Khaki is the dress code. Hmm... Anyone wanna give me a makeover?

I haven't had fun at work before, and today nails it! And why?

Because NO ONE IS AROUND. MUAH HAHAHAHAHAA. Ok, my colleagues and boss had a presentation to go to, so that leaves lil ole me all by myself to man the phone. Since i'm spending pretty much like 9 hours or so alone enclosed in the office, i brought all my art stuff so that i could work on some birthday and christmas presents. Ah, so productive, i likes.

Think: radio on louder than usual, singing to Corrinne May and head banging to Gotan Project mp3s, embossing stuff, typing out calendars and filling them in, drawing and outlining pictures, drawing out calendars and filling them in...

Around close to 3pm, i was severely running out of ideas of what to occupy myself with. And in a corner next to me is this bunch of leaves that look like the real stuff of christmas trees. But far from inspiring romantic images of white rolling hills densely populated by snow covered pine trees, the remains of this one has kind of begun to smell sourish, like puke.

So it's now the "11th hour" before i knock off, and i've forgotton that i've got to collect the mail. Ok, so here i go. YEAY! 10 more minutes to freedom!

Ok, from this trash you can tell that i'm really not lying to you about my boredom.

To find out that he was only that bit away from me gave me the chills. There's still a degree of separation and it's very likely that i won't bump into him anyway. But STILL... When i heard that little bit of news, my blood ran cold for a moment.

Not that i fear anything, or feel anymore pain. It's just that when a bit of my past comes by to brush lightly against my current path in life and even almost crosses it, i can't help but feel a sudden rush of thoughts and emotions. The physiological body then reacts accordingly... The heart races, i feel cold and my hair stands, my head throbs and my palms go a bit clammy.

A part of me always hopes that both parties will come to an amicable and civil existence, especially since it's been a number of years already. I never make advances and i don't think i'll ever dare to unless it's obvious that if i do, i won't be murdered. God knows best about the state of our minds and hearts, and i trust Him wholeheartedly for however the future unfolds.

Update: (heh.)

Thanks also to my group of ACJC mates, Peeds, Brose, Ger and Betts for springing that birthday surprise on me at Fish and Co. Wahaha, sorry that the toilet trip thingy was foiled because i refused to budge from my seat. Haha, i'm such a spoiler lah... You guys mean so much to me, that i'd always try to keep you guys as close as possible to me throughout this lifetime despite time and distance.

Thanks so much Gem, Mer and Dom who treated me generously to dinner, i love having your company! If only the hours stood still, we could just yak away into the night. Looking forward to our games afternoon before service on sat. ;oDDD

Thanks also to the ACJC Library Gang and Associates who all took time off from their working schedules to spend time with me at VivoCity for dinner. Teehee... I could say the same here, that i'm just so blessed to have you all as my close sisters, and that we can just talk about everything. If only we didn't need to go home, we'd talk till the cows come home. See you girls for our sleepover! *hoorah!* You girls are guaranteed: my friends for life!

***

Thank you John for the ice breaker that somehow led to it being broadcasted throughout the entire room.

Thank you worship ministry people who were all so enthusiastic about singing me the song which resulted in everyone clapping in unison and singing in sync.

And i have NO IDEA how the rest of you (who weren't there this morning at the workshop) knew about it.

And no thanks Chris for suggesting a "tao pok". haha.

Thank you for all your smses, whether they were words of encouragement, of blessing, well wishes.

Thank you for your warm smiles and ready handshakes, thank you for your arm that went around me that conveyed so strongly your genuine care and love.

Thank you dad who treated me to a dinner that opened my eyes to something that was an experience of a lifetime...

Thank you Kenny and Dominic for your lunch treat today. I was blown away by your gesture of brotherly care. :-DDDD

And there're more thank yous to make in the next few days...

Breathe, jo breathe...

Yesterday i survived a full day out on 4 hours of sleep.

Now, in the 20 hours that was sunday the 3rd, my day began at 4:20 am and i spent the following hours travelling to town and running my crazy self around the city hall, raffles, and marina area with thousands of other crazy people while the rest of Singapore was asleep.

If i think that's crazy, i sure wasn't crazy enough to attempt the 42km marathon. (a friend's friend was a casualty for that category. I hope he's recovering well and isn't too traumatised by his experience. :-< )

I'm pleased with my first 10km run in my life ever. 10km's not much according to most standards and it's not that i finished it with a superb timing, but it's because i finished it below my estimated time, while still being able to enjoy myself through and through from starting point to finish.

I loved feeling how my body moved easily and smoothly along the route without feeling as if i was a 100kg blobfish on two human legs. There weren't any signs of heavy, uncomfortable laborous breathing or muscle burning and i was able to pace myself with my self-talk and wasn't pressured by other runners. I felt totally at ease, like there was no physical strain, no pessimistic thoughts of "dang, this is going to be a long, sad, torturous run". Somehow, the body's system, from psychological and physical, was well tuned and prepared, without the preparation. Thank God!

I've a certain baseline stamina that can take me through 3-4 km at a shot, without very regular weekly runs (though you still need to be fit to some extent). But you can be sure that i didn't train for the 10km run at all, which was well understood, that even in the days before the run took place, my dad waved his hands at me and sneered that i haven't even been training for it.

Last night i came into his study with my "prize" and showed him the medal, to which he said: "Woah, not bad ah. It's quite heavy!" (hur hur) and then he added, "I don't think i would've been able to do it."

Much thanks to Denise who messaged me at like 6-something in the morning (!!!) and to fellow runners who tuned in to ask how everything went. Much thanks to Gem too for being there with me through the event (especially since Y couldn't make it due to work demands) though you didn't hide behind a bush along the way to wait for me so we could run together!!! :-( (ok, KIDDING ONLY)
(note: men's 10 km began 30min before the women's 10 km)

As if running wasn't enough for the day, i spent the rest of the afternoon in a sound proof room packed full with musicians, jamming and worshipping God together. ;-) Dinner with the worship ministry people followed at orchard, and then a pathetic excuse for a window shopping trip with my sister after dinner, and then i finally called it a day when we took a straight bus back.

A very productive day, i must say. Thank you Lord for the people around me and the experiences that are to come. I can't divulge too much about these things at the moment on this space, but man, i can so see all these issues in the distance coming towards me. I know the events to come might have very confusing polarized effects on me, but either way, i know i'm going to learn something.

Toodles for now. Wish i could blog more. I've got photos to share but haven't been able to sit down long enough before having to run off to tie more loose ends. Church, friends, keyboard stuff, personal admin matters, work. Plenty of avenues to keep me busy. While i enjoy the busy-ness (busy-ness keeps depression away!), i really hope to tone down for a week to have some peace and quiet.

*blinking my crusty eyelids*

It's only been the second day of work (full day) and i'm feeling the sad reality of what it's going to be like when i'm working for real, for the next 40 years of my existence. Oh, i'm working for a week, normal office hours, because i'm standing in for my colleague who's away.

I'm tired, and i've got to ensure that i rest early to get my good solid hours of sleep. One of the things that piss me off greatly is when i don't get enough sleep before something important the next day. Especially if the activity i have the next day isn't exactly something i do for leisure.

I now understand what it means to say "think happy thoughts, happy thoughts!". I've been doing that since last week to prepare myself mentally for this week. Squelching ANY bad thoughts and emotions, and replacing them blindly with every good thought i can muster to allow myself to be swallowed up by positivity. No space for feelings of dread and boredom!

But i thank God that i've been kept really busy these past two days. It helps make time feel as if its ticking on by real quick. Strangely, i enjoy rushing something (a document, presentation, assignment, etc) when the minutes seem like seconds before closing time.

I've been planning my weeks ahead, jotting down my schedule for december till about march. It's not complete but it'll fill up in time. I had promised myself that i would have a week for myself... But that has yet to come to past. Wish i had some time for solitude. To feel the expanse of space for my mind to expand and my being to just fully de-tense. But it's just been so busy.

So yeah, here's just my little wee update about nothing much, very simply written.

Anyway, my Miss Brunei is back for two weeks and it was so nice to be with her over last weekend. Ah, the late night girly talks with her and M was engaging and the time spent with them helped me understand some things better. We don't spend much time outside cell group time like this, and I wish we could have more talks like these, without worrying about the day after and other responsibilities and concerns.

Got to go, or i'll be digging my own grave. Good night.

I love and speak fondly of this school as much as i make mean jokes about it.
(HAHAHA, ok, weird comment but the honest truth nonetheless.) With a final video sweep that i made of the compound, i bid thee farewell. GMSS will be merging with Jin Tai Secondary and the new building will be located at West Coast.

You cannot imagine the amount of memories i have from spending 4 years of my early teenage life in this school. At every turn and corner, there will be a story to tell, a cue for a multitude of memories of what was done and felt in the past.

One of the saddest bits was not being able to access the band room, but i guess seeing my seniors and taking pictures with whoever we could "collect" was worth it.

People with whom i barely spoke with when i was still schooling there suddenly turned into buddies, as we smiled and greeted one another and caught up with the current ongoings. I noticed quite a lot of people from my batch as well as the ones who are at least 3 to 4 years my senior. And there were the hardcore ones, those who were students during the, 1970s and 1980s!

I kid you not.

Anyway, i just got back home from GMSS after an eventful morning and it's pouring, i'm hungry, and i've got to get ready for church now. Man, i owe lotsa people photos. Teehee. Don't worry guys! I've gotten everything downloaded and they'll be coming your way soon. ;-D

P.S.: Thanks Azlan, Jennifer, Daryl and Sijin for spending some time to yak with me, and much thanks to the other guys as well for just being that smiley, friendly enveloping bunch of friends that you are. You guys have a place in my heart even though we hardly see one another. I'm awfully proud of you ok!

some random pictures taken over this year

After sending my phone in for repair at a building opposite IMM, i decided to entertain myself with yet another "got-a-slight-inkling-but-don't-really-know-where-but-i'll-just-go-and-see-how" exploit.
So i took a short park connector walk and came face to face with an old railway track cum BRIDGE across a wide, wide canal. I could see the canal water moving in strong currents beneath me between the wooden planks as i carefully made my way across the bridge under the hot afternoon sun.


Ah, here we can see the old railway track cum bridge. Did you know that at one point, i totally had NO RAILINGS to hold on to for a couple of metres... It was darn scary can? Felt like i was doing a tightrope without a net underneath me.









Just an ordinary bicycle hor.













Eh, don't play play k. It is mercedes one hor.


















I first time see mercedes bicycle. I also wan.



















Wot's that? *peers at the sign on the scaffolding*


















Well, we all knew that, right. Yep. Anger is a dangerous thing.

My exam paper is done with. Don't get me started on what went wrong... I feel rotten but there's nothing else i can do except pray that it will not be as bad as i think it may be and it'll just be according to God's will for me.

Don't laugh, but i kinda feel a bit like a popped pimple right now. All the tension that was stored up over the semester and more so during the exam period has been released suddenly, which has ultimately left me feeling a little sore (in my head) and in raw shock. As much as it is pleasant that the holis are here, i'm still dazed and not quite adjusted to the fact that i'm now officially free till Jan/Feb.

That's how hard i've been working this semester, and i'm not afraid to admit it.

Still, freedom is sweet and i'm going to just lie back and savour my well earned rest.

There're a gabillion things to do! But i'm first going to spend some time with myself, in the quiet as well as in the storm of my own thoughts. I haven't been able to just be still, to have no worries and concerns at the back of my mind, to just be able to lie a little longer in bed without feeling a sense of urgency and desperation to begin the day early to accomplish undone school work.

I need a little time to collect my thoughts, collate all the things that i need and want to do both for others and myself. I'm looking forward to the busy schedule ahead, but before that kickstarts, let me drag my feet a little first won't you.

Which reminds me... Standard Chartered quarter marathon training is in order, and dang, i need to lose (more?) weight for close friend's wedding next year. I don't want to look like a ba zhang in pictures and I'm pretty sure they don't allow black dresses (to hide my flab) on bridesmaids. Boooo. :-(

It's a funky 2:52am now. About time to retune my sleeping patterns as well. Anyway, Ambrose if you're reading this, i'm gonna poke you soon.

Good night ya'll~.

It's that time of the year again. Yeah, the exam period. *snigger* If you didn't get it, it's ok. Lame, and wasn't all that funny.

Anyway, i'm feeling that same old "can't finish studying everything i need to. HOW?!" and i'll step into the exam hall with not much else apart from my pencil case, jacket, watch, water bottle and PLENTY OF HOPE FOR A MIRACLE. And hope, to continue hoping.

Nothing much to say, and i'd rather not spend time blogging too much at the mo. More when everything's over.

One thing's for sure: I need some alone time with myself to think after my exams, spending time with the company of myself. And sleep. Which goes without saying, really.

Drained: Mentally and emotionally, but not spiritually. Kind of in denial too. Close to giving up and not giving it my all, although i know that my being a stickler for perfection will not allow that.

Heeeeeeelllllllpppppppppp..........................................
.... mugging close to 10 hours a day is not fun.

*

Grandpa (from Malaysia) has moved on. And i can't even remember the last time i exchanged words with him or seen him in person.

My system is reeling. Head's giddy. My ears are hearing the world, muffled, by the temporary loss of the ability to pick up certain frequencies. The roots of my teeth are aching.

First it was the electric guitar. We all had to yell for the volume to be turned down. Then the drumset took over the electric guit.

I felt as though my ears were about to burst and bleed.

I had ear plugs on whenever i could use them which was really good, but had to remove them now and then to know what i was playing. (them change of keys! Rah...) And i really got killed man, i tell you. It's no fun standing next a highly utilized drumset in a sound proof room.

Feeling a bit ill now. :o(

***

I really wonder what goes on deep in the recesses of my grey matter. It's quite a wonder how that squishy bulby lump of pulp we call a brain is pretty much the mastermind of most of our functions. Some say our existence transcends that of the physical but that's another debate and discussion altogether.

So i would very much like to know what my brain does when i'm asleep, because for some unfathomable reason it has a tendency to make me dream of people who are no longer in my life. (as in, those who aren't actively interacting with me presently)

Recently, i dreamt of... meh. The-one-before. And the odd thing is that i don't think of the said person often. This isn't the first time of course, and in each dream, it's always like we're back as friends, on talking terms (we're not, at the moment), and friends who are well aware of the history we had before. It's all very strange. I'd be able to see his face very clearly, and the conversations we'd have are always logical, i.e. very undreamlike. So real at times, that i can even hear his voice, true to the genuine thing.

Then there's another person, our previous domestic helper who left due to very troubling circumstances. Every time i dream about her, it's always the same story: She returns to our home and wants to work for us again. Despite the problems that revealed themselves when she took off which left our family in shock, we'd always take her back in. And every time in my dream i would tell her, "You know, in my dreams, i've always dreamt that you'll come back."
And while i look at her as she sits speechless but glad to be back in her room, i inwardly feel as though everything is as it should be.

A dream in a dream, where in my dream i talk about my dream.

random

I got this off Nat's blog, it's funneh! I like the way the Japanese made fun of their iconic export. Check out this Nike advert.

***

$240 for a gym membership at ACJC for two years... with an additional $20 for processing fee. It sounds almost perfect until you do the math.

$10 per month. Now if i were to go to a Clubfit 4 times a month, it would cost me the same. Thing is, do i go to a Clubfit 4 times a week? No. So what makes me think that i'll go down to ACJC that many times as well? (given both the nearest Clubfit and ACJC gym is just one bus ride away)

The only thing about ACJC is that, i get to once again be in the familiar surroundings of my alma mata. I get to use the track and pool, in addition to the gym of course. I can also... pretend to be a student! I've always harboured thoughts of doing that. One day.... Eh, i still look 17 or 18 k? More importantly, my uniform still fits. *smug*ahem*

***

A person i recently got to know in class, after hearing me talk for a bit, said: "Hey, do you sing? After listening to you, i think i can imagine you sing. I think jazz. You've got a low voice. Yeah, maybe jazz."

I was stunned. Not only do i avoid singing to people other than myself (solitude lends me confidence, yo. hur.), it's also a long standing piece of information i tell everyone because it's the truth: That i don't sing. I croak.

And if i'm not croaking, i'm probably trying hard to hit higher notes and killing my brain in the process from the lack of oxygen.

While i might make noises that somewhat resembles the sound of singing, like a cross between whining and a trundling diesel lorry, everyone (my poor cell group) would probably be dying from the awful tone of my voice because i don't have strong or velvety vocals. (neither do any of my family members. hur hur.)

So, obviously, i'm no singa.

This weekend was sweet, because i knew my heavenly daddy has been speaking to me, assuring me of his promises despite some personal issues, through some people over the last two days during cell group and service.

And what he's been saying is gently probing me in my current state of inertia and lukewarmness. Not that i feel disconnected or disappointed in God, but rather it's me who's decided to not call him as often and so it's a bit like:
"Hi dad, yes, good morning, thanks for the new day! I love it, thanks for the food, i know you're here with me..." And that's it. No communion time.

So yes, because of this "distance" i created, i recently have felt as though it's obvious that God wouldn't want to care too much about me or assure me anymore of his love and forgiveness, especially when i have faltered here and there.
But of course that is rubbersquash because he lives for this very reason: To give hope, love, life and acceptance to all sinners who come to him.

As you can see, it's quite nonsensical to think that he wouldn't accept me (or anyone else for that matter) anymore, because it's his very perfect nature to receive and love the broken.

(Excuse me while i laugh at my silliness and enjoy my epiphany. Teehee.)

***

Very briefly, during cell group worship time, a word was released that God is there to and will forgive those of us who have sinned and all we needed to do is just lay them down and let him do the rest. It was as though it was the most important word for the night. And well, it was the only one that night during worship.

Just before that word was given, right where i was, i was reminded of some things, and that i was sinner... And deep down inside my heart and mind, i needed to know that God will forgive and has forgiven me. Yeah, so i felt really blessed and i smiled to myself, thinking "Thank You Lord". :-)

Topic for cell that night was on "Love".

*

Lo and behold, very much of what was stressed during worship time during service and before the communion took place was "Love". O.O

We were told to pair up with someone and think about the first thing/ask God for something that represents Love. (which very coincidentally was not similar but pretty much close to what we did during cell the previus night)

A few things and objects ran through my mind. Pretty cliche stuff, but then i recalled a friend telling me how the "home cooked meal" that she gets to eat is like an expression of love by the person who prepared the food. Somehow, this concept stuck quite strongly and i thought, "Ok, this will be it."

I shared this with my impromptu partner, P.
(Note: P is someone i know by name, but not very well.)

Why did you pick "Home cooked meal?" P inquired of me. I thought she was asking because it sounded quite absurd. (it did, to me at least)

"Well, because... The food that's prepared is like someone preparing it out of love and care... And the meal brings people together so that they can come together to fellowship and bond."
("Family that eats together stays together".)

To tell you the truth, i was close to bursting into tears. I felt my throat tighten, my voice crack and waver and felt tears welling up in my eyes. Good thing i was done before the niagara falls opened shop.

Usually when that happens (overwhelming urge to cry, not just tearing, while talking), i surprise even myself. It's as if i can't even anticipate how i'm going to react and that the way i react is way out of my control. I mean, usually you would be able to acknowledge that you feel a certain emotion before reacting. Eg. Anger before losing your temper, Sadness and Hurt before crying.

When i was done, P said, "Very strange that you said 'home cooked meal', because... (then she tells me about a certain family member.)"

Wow. I'm blown away. :-) Like, what seemed like a random thought (though it did stick once i thought of it) was applicable to her personally. Not so random after all. *knowing smile*

Her image for me was of a ring, adorned with a ruby that signified "precious" and a diamond that meant "committment". In God's eyes, i'm precious and his love is unconditional and everlasting. :-)

Usually when the neighbours have guests, i'd still let Jed be, that is: run around and bark as he pleases, because i know that he'd eventually calm down from his security guard antics and settle down to sleep in one of our rooms.

Today the neighbour's daughter has some friend (friends?) over and because of the frequent ins and outs, i decided keeping Jed behind a door inside the guest room to keep him from barking was a good idea to save both the neighbours and my ears from rupturing.

Ironically as i'm studying, Jed's silent behind the door and the neighbour and her friends... Well let me put it this way. If i didn't know any better, i'd have thought that they were practising some kind of post Halloween rituals on one another.

Can you blame me? They're talking so loudly at a constant level, oh and throw in some tragically high volume punctuating yells, raucous laughter, shrieks and bloodcurdling screams. It's quite fascinating, really.

If only i could tape down their contributions to the noise sound waves so you could hear.

I'm not complaining though, it's not often that my neighbour has her girly get togethers, and those are just pure fun. Bloodcurdling screams and all.

Er... I should know.

Jem and Joy did this, and since i never really do memes i'll try one for fun.

1) How old do you wish you were?
40 and being a great mom.

2) Where were you when 9/11 happened?
At my computer doing goodness knows what.

3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Prod endlessly at the coin return till something happens. If not, put in another coin if i'm feeling rich and adventurous or do nothing and walk away muttering.

4) Do you count yourself kind?
Not always.

5) If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
on my right upper arm, and work those muscles yo!

6) If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Spanish, Mandarin, some dialect and some other non-word i.e sound based ones. Oh, it didn't say "languageS". ok, fine. i think Japanese will be it.

7) Do you know your neighbors?
Sort of. More of the granny than anyone else. She never fails to ask if i've eaten dinner yet. :-)

8) What do you consider a vacation?
When i get undisturbed stretches of time to do whatever i please at my own time and pace.

9) Do you follow your horoscope?
I read for fun then forget it a second later.

10) Would you move for the person you loved?
*drums fingers* Move my stuff from the chair so he can sit?

11) Are you touchy feely?
Not really, but i try when i know that it may convey comfort or friendliness to someone.

12) Do you believe that opposites attract?
Bleah these general questions that put my simple brain into overdrive! I'm attracted to both nice perfume and gross century eggs. How?

13) Dream job?
Observe people, think and comment, and drink cool drinks and eat steak at a roadside cafe. Hey, you never said i couldn't get paid to do that.

14) Favorite channel(s)?
Animal Planet. But i don't usually watch tv anyways unless there's something on that i like.

15) Favorite place to go on weekends?
The dog run, have my cell mates come over to my home, or somewhere where i can go sky gazing.

16) Showers or Baths?
Both leh.

17) Do you paint your nails?
When i feel like it, which is rare.

18) Do you trust people easily?
No.

19) What are your phobias?
Having a policeman call to say that there's been an identified body...

20) Do you want kids?
Oh yes. But i'll need to look at a catalogue first.

21) Do you keep a handwritten journal?
Essential stuff!

22) Where would you rather be right now?
At home eating oyster omelette with chilli. Dang, i'm salivating now.

23) Who makes you feel warm and fuzzy?
That welsh corgi puppy i saw on cuteoverload. After feeling warm and fuzzy, i wanted to just squeeze the little chap to death.

24) Heavy or light sleeper?
Heavy. Very. Heavy.

25) Are you paranoid?
Yes.

26) Are you impatient?
Yuh man!

27) Who can you relate to?
Sister, Gem. And other folks who think nothing about times when i need pee, excrete, fart or burp.

28) How do you feel about interracial couples?
Perfectly fine and dandy.

29) Have you been burned by love?
Think it wasn't really love.

30) What's your favorite pick-up line?
...

31) What's your main ring tone on your mobile?
"Ding, dong, ding! You have a call!"

32) What were you doing at midnight last night?
Essaying. Hum dee hum.

33) What did the last text on your cellphone say?
Something rather pious sounding leh.

34) Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
My beanie bag!

35) What color shirt are you wearing?
White with the text "EA Play" on it. I like it for some weird reason.

36) Most recent movie you watched?
The Da Vinci Code on DVD, and i fell asleep. B-(

37) Name three things you have on you at all times?
Bacteria, facial oil and glasses.

38) What color are your bed sheets?
while with flowers. EW. I would like to hop down to IKEA for some funkier ones.

39) How much cash do you have on you right now?
I not rich lah... 10 buckeroos and spare change.

40) What is your favorite part of the chicken?
Wing and chest!

41) What's your favorite town/city?
Haven't travelled enough to have a favourite. If you must know, it's gotta be somewhere with open skies and beaches.

42) I can't wait till...
Er, i might scare you all off with this one...

43) What did you have for dinner last night?
Rice boiled by me that went ALL wrong (think "kuey-like" chewy rice), steamed egg, broccoli and chicken.

44) How tall are you barefoot?
1.59cm. But people say i look taller than that le, does that count? *hopeful*

45) Do you own a gun?
Nope, but i do have a compound bow. I miss shooting outdoors.

46) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
I is Milo person.

47) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
Er, Singapore. Yuh.

48) Last thing you ate?
Salad.

49) What songs do you sing in the shower?
Prolly some worship song or whatever's playing on the media player, usually Corrinne May.

50) Last thing that made you laugh?
"The archers are winning" (the thing i think gem was describing that was causing the sharp pain in my chest)

51) Worst injury you've ever had?
Can't think of any but there's a funny one:
The time when an almost full glass bottle of ribena syrup fell onto my toe, and a guy friend thought that my toe turned purple because of the syrup colouring and not because of the impact. D'oh!

52) Does someone have a crush on you?
Keanu Reeves? Is it Keanu Reeves?! If so, then I'LL MOVE FOR YOU!!!! (question 10)
Just kidding my gem...

53) What's your favorite candy?
Eh, don't eat much of that stuff. Kinder Bueno rocks though. ;-)

54) What song do you want played at your funeral?
Actually, i want a party to be held when i die. So, anything that's not sad.

55) Five random people to do this! and why?
I too lazy to think le, anyone who thinks they've got time on their hands. And tell me once it's done!!!