A note to you my friend(s):

I'm not saying that you're guilty, but i just want you to know that i've noticed something(s) and i'll be very, very watchful. Because if you step out of line, or show signs of tethering dangerously near the line, you're going to be confronted by me. I may be blur, but there're some things that even the antenna of the blur queen can pick up. I do this not because i like to dish out righteous advice, but i do this because i care.

***

I just looked through my classmate's Friendster page where he updated his photo gallery. WEDDING PICS!!! OH! OH! OOHH!!! Fun! My head went all glucose filled... You could see that it was such a beautifully joyous occasion, with everyone's face just glowing radiantly! Must be the contagious elation passing around. If i can coo (madly) over just a few pictures of the wedding of new friends (from school), i cannot even begin to imagine what havoc or hyperventilation i might end up creating or having on FSH's wedding/ROM day. Which is like, early next year?

I can feel myself already getting excited, like there're a hundred jumping beans doing a vigorous workout in my chest.

Oh yeah, need to lose some flab to fit into a nice dress on that day, eh. Bah... Or i could wear a suit. Hmmm...

Which reminds me. I've got the 10km to run in december and the stamina i've built up over several months is now GONE, and only within just 2 months! This is so not fair.

*FSH: a very dear JC friend of mine.

Seriously, this doesn't sound too shabby for an intimately eerie yet tender movie scene soundtrack i'm telling ya. Look at the kitten go! I've got to learn the chords to that... Of course it helps that the little dude is an absolutely delightful little fluffball of a gorgeous thing. Loook at its ffaacceeee... ARGH! *snorgle* (in CuteOverload speak, that would mean, "nuzzle")

I'm sure you might've seen this video already, the song that Hossan Leong sang during the meeting called IndigNATION, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWmLAui6OOw

It's a song sung to the tune of "We didn't start the fire" and the lyrics are a very compressed, succinct and humourous take on some of Singapore's most memorable events and some famous people who've become, at some point, quite a figure for heated discussion in our country's history so far.

My dad sent me this link through an email. Wait. My DAD sent me this?! What's daddy doing watching YouTube, er, or following Mr Brown's posts!? Oh, and he did say that he also listened to Mr Brown's IMF podcast, the one where they made a parody of the 4 million smiles campaign.

Wah, my daddy so hip.

Ok, i've grown bored of the lack of posts. Heh heh. So...

So much has occurred over the last week or so, but i've been busy with school work, work related stuff and cell group activities. I also had a really nice surprise that made me go all excitable and screamy and nuts on saturday (Like, hello diTz! the round about relations, who-knows-who is so cool).
Many cumulated thoughts have clogged up my brain but i'm too lazy to sort them out and i'm also in sweet denial about how much time i have left to complete my last essay for the social psych module. (it's not the end yet, i still have stuff to complete for biological psych.)

Two things:

Thanks be to GOD for another nice grade for the latest social psych essay! Remember the one i said that i was: "dealing with macro sociological perspectives (i major in psychology, the last time i checked) which the textbook doesn't exactly explicitly cover and this time i had to complete it in ONE WEEK (i usually take 2 whole weeks to finish an essay) and i had to read the whole textbook and more, to do that one essay."
I aced it, and better still, i aced it better than the first essay which i spent two weeks on. Whao. I couldn't have done it without God.

And, a happy 3rd birthday to my blog. MUAH HAHAHA~! As i've always said: To more years of collecting more trash, my lovely Vacuum! I lub you.

Ok, i SO need to do a gabillion things. I'll catch you later, meanwhile, take good care. :-)

***

Three weddings. Three. Two of the weddings involve peers (girl friends) and the other is an ex-classmate who's older than me but also in her 20s and her husband's my classmate.

As much as they are happy occasions where i go all awww-ish and all, i'm also filled with a concoction of rather odd emotions...
Life is moving fast. Too fast. For me, or for the friends in question? Probably and easily both.

Get used to it, jo.
But. It. Just. Feels. Weird.

i'm not posting anything new yet (apart from this informational one) because i'm waiting for a particular photo to be taken, and to be published for the specific date: 24th of september.

and boy! do i have a ton of photos i want to share with you. :-)

***

I've been feeling really prickly, really easily irritated, restless, snappy, short tempered. Whiny, annoyed, unfriendly, anti-social, mean. In essence, a very very mean pufferfish, but nowhere near as cute as the real fish.

Time to sit still for a while, to calm myself down, and focus my eyes and heart upon God. It's definitely not a good time for me to talk extensively to anyone unless i deliberately want to lose friends.

Two of my fingers looks like they've been zombified, i.e, turned purple and looks dead. Hur, hur. I love playing the guitar but i need to learn more chords and keep working on my chord changing fingers. Too slow leh, like an ah um and i fumble ever so often. And then hor, my strumming arm sometimes spasms or rigour motis-fies so i end up playing some rather uneven sounding rhythm. HeeheeHo.

I must really thank God for the encouragement he gave me through the first essay for this sem. Remember that horrible first-few-weeks experience (when i knew nothing about academic expectations) that somehow made me crumble into a teary mess? I topped the class for that assignment. Wheeeee! Thanks Daddy in Heaven and all who were there to give encouragement. :-D

The next social psych essay that i just handed up wasn't a piece of cheese cake either because it was dealing with macro sociological perspectives (i major in psychology, the last time i checked) which the textbook doesn't exactly explicitly cover and this time i had to complete it in ONE WEEK (i usually take 2 whole weeks to finish an essay) and i had to read the whole textbook and more, to do that one essay.

During tutorial today, we were told that 2 people hit the 80 or 80+ mark, and 4 people hit the 70 or 70+ mark for the latest assignment. I'm hoping that i'll be able to sustain the grade or do better especially after seeking and taking my tutor's advice, desperately wringing my brain of all its remaining juices over concepts i've never heard of before, relying on the Lord and somehow knowing and believing that i'll be able to make it. I'll be hopeful, but i'm trying not to expect it as if it is a given by default.

I am two people

A sentimental, who shuns being sentimental.
An emo freak, who thrives on being aloof.
A romantic, who shys away from mush.
A seeker of happiness, who often falls into melancholy.
Contented, yet jealous.
Can afford to put in the effort, but leans back expecting the world to be given.
A heart that longs to help others, but is yet hardened with anger and pain.
A bearer of the soul, who hides for fear of rejection.
Probably thinks too much, but thinks too little.

I could go on and on... But i'm busy, not free.

(A 1000 word essay to be done by today and plonked into a mailbox across the island in Simei, by TODAY. Haven't typed a word yet... Cheer me on, will you.)

During dinner, my cell mates and i were just talking about experiencing (scary) supernatural events.

And so it is that I returned home to a pitch dark and quiet house, all alone except for the dog who's sleeping in another room now (i'd feel better if he'd come over to my room instead) and i could not help but felt an eerie sense that i might encounter something unhealthy for my sanity.

(i'm not going to type out the stuff that's going through my over active mind right now, i don't fancy scaring you)

But i know that as a Christian, i have nothing to fear because the Lord is with me and He is a lot greater than all the evil spirits put together! Somebody say AMEN! In the last few months, i've been grappling with the concept that as a child of God, i've got authority in Christ Jesus, and i'm beginning to see that when we acknowledge that, we are able to witness the significance of the Christian walk and influence that we can have.

Before taking a shower, i turned up the radio up real loud with Don Moen singing "Hiding Place", and i began to sing the words, thanking the Lord for indeed being my hiding place, that i can run to Him whenever i am afraid and weak. And that just chased a great deal of my fear away... But i think that the human mind is a very powerful thing and we need to really keep the word and promises of God close to our hearts and to guard our minds from the evil one's lies.

uh oh.

There's something about breaking one of mommy's porcelain bowls that makes you feel like you've been a very, very bad little girl. *gulp*

It hit me yesterday, about how nice it actually is that physical beauty is fleeting.

Think i'll go chew on this till i got more to say.

Sometimes, there are just too many voices going off in this little skull of mine, and sometimes there're none. Silence.
Overall, i'm the only one among my closer circle of friends who blogs almost every other day... I quite enjoy it, airing all my blabberings, as meaningless as they can be. I suppose i just have too much to spout and i cannot keep doing that to my sister because she'll most likely throw her fan at me the second i step into her room for the 1000th time.

And then now i realize... when was the last time i felt like i had a really good conversation? And this isn't defined by whether both parties get to say what they want to say even if they were able to share some of their personal issues. But it's more of a presence of an intimate bond, a level of comfort and trust in the sharing and friendship, that the people who are conversing are able to feel it and fearlessly testify to. Where they know they won't be misunderstood or judged or feel bewildered when either one needs to cry, or when touch is given to express comfort and care. I can't remember when was the last time i had any meaningful girl time with a friend or friends. Everyone is busy. That kind of bond takes time, a special kind of understanding and chemistry. So i blog.

Lately, i've been banking in so many drafts into blogger but i haven't the time to refine them a little into something readable yet. But i continue to blog.

My mom calls blogging time robbers. In a way, she is right. But if i don't publish the incessant chattering, my mind wanders about, like 50 frenzied houseflies, more than what's good for me. So i blog.

This might probably become one of those posts that i'll let sit for a few hours before i take it down again and pretend i never said anything. A bit pointless right? But i will blog this anyway.

Absolutely ATROCIOUS behaviour. Disgusting. Downright DISRESPECTFUL AND RUDE! Check out this post written by Ci'en, called "Strange, But True", written on the 8th of Sept. I don't think i'll provide the post's link in case she wouldn't approve (although she's my sister's friend) so here's her blog URL: www.wurh.com

This is a perfect situation to glean some of the embedded rules, expectations, meanings, representations present in an individual, individuals and society, if you social psych people want some practice.

There's something about one factor though... The alcohol. Hhhmmm...

Blogger Beta sounds to delectable, doesn't it. Uhm... Oh, and talking about delectable? I wanted to ask you guys about this:

Ok, do forgive that 2/3 eaten one. Have a look at the one on the right. An initiative family member did the honour of slicing it up nicely, so try to imagine it without the horizontal lines.

Mom came home one day and she proclaimed: "My patient gave me piglets! I had 4 boxes, and you all don't eat one right... So i gave away 2 boxes."

I was like: Excuse me? PIGLETS?

So i stripped off the two rubber bands that held the box shut, and flipped open the cardboard cover to find these weird hamster like looking objects (from a plan view).

"Piglets?" I asked mom, in a tone that suggested that she must be very mistaken about the piglet part.
"They don't look like piglets meh?" she replies.

The only feature that this thing has that resembles a piglet in any way is that it has two holes punched into it on one end. Perhaps they were suppose to be the eyes or the piggy snout or something.

But all that suspicion disappeared in a flash when i took a piece of "piglet". It was HEAVEN. Er, i mean, it was a mooncake but the pastry was sooooo soft, crumbly and tasty, and the filling was an excellent flavourful accompaniment. The paste isn't as smooth as some other kinds of mooncake fillings, but the overall experience more than compensates.

I know that i'm as suaku as suaku (suaku: like a mountain tortoise) gets, so i was wondering if these were actually very normal, traditional types of mooncake festival delicacies. I do remember having heard some people say that their mooncake festivals are never complete without the "piglets". Is this what they were referring to?

It was so good that i had to find out where they were brought from, but to my dismay... They were all the way from Malaysia. Sadness. :-(

But *slurp!* Enjoy it while it lasts!

Although some of you might not agree with his shows and the way he conducts himself on international television, for me it's really upsetting to know that Steve Irwin, the "Crocodile Hunter" has died in an accident while filming his latest documentary in Australia.

I don't watch his shows but somehow i feel grief over his passing. I guess it's because i'm used to seeing him on telly as the big Australian television personality with his big Australian accent, in that characteristically loud and enthusiastic manner in which he brings to you his passion for wildlife and the environment.

You'd always believe that people like him would live on for many more years, making more documentaries that will air regularly and almost ritually on the telly, on Discovery, on Animal Planet, and that he would see his kids grow up to be just like him - fearless but respectful of the wild and God's creation. You'd think that he'll one day be just like the other legends in this field like Jane Goodall and David Attenborough, people who've lived their lives studying nature and educating the world of the wonders of it.

A sad day, but we all know that Steve Irwin died doing what he loved most.

"Language is a medium for communication... but it does not come just as a product of relationships but is also formed as a result of relationships..."

"DING DONG-NG-NG..." The doorbell chimed. *Cue mad dashing around the house* Ahem, home wear isn't the most decent, you know? So, Thinks: Who's that? Peers through the peephole: Postman. That can only mean one thing. THREADLESS TEES ARE HERE! Presenting, freshly arrived and un-ironed.


Fossil Fuel, by Graham Dobson.

















Happy Hospital, by Yoann Plard.



















Obi Wan Kerisst, by Jens K Styve.

Now that this tee has arrived, i'm wondering if this tee will go unworn in public... Will i get some religious people pulling me aside to issue a warning, or will i get into trouble with the law or something. You know how particular our gahmen is about maintaining "religious harmony", especially with the recent controversial madness over cartoon drawings of certain religious icons.

Personally, when i saw this tee the only words that jumped out at me was: Jesus, my Hero/Saviour. Of course, not without a touch of humour.
Ok, i admit the former (the "Hero" bit) was utterly cheesy but in all honesty, that's the message i'm getting.



This leaves me with three questions:
1. Are my thoughts and worries unfounded and i should just go ahead and wear it... Big deal.
2. The fact that i'm actually worrying over a t-shirt design in relation to the society i'm living in spells something, doesn't it? The want for free expression comes with... fear?
3. Or is it genuinely a serious issue?

Ok, all this sounds a little silly... But, what do you think?

Owwch.

Today is Watch Joline Hurt Herself day!

No, i'm not in any sadistic, masochistic mood (though i do get that sometimes) but for some unknown reason, i've been really accident prone today.

1. My fingers slip and i accidentally slit a shallow cut on my middle finger with the knife while slicing some cheese.

2. I shocked myself with a burn when i brushed a hand on the hot toaster.

3. I walloped my leg against the toilet seat on my way out from the loo.

4. I cut another finger, this time the pinky, on the metal binding rings on my address book. (it's not serious but enough to make it throb)

I am almost fearful of stepping out from the house this stormy day... But i must because i have a lecture later.

Are my tutors that pissed with me and my assignments? Gah...

Amused

According to the Flying Dutchman's (Class 95's morniing express DJ) kids, toothpaste is good for drying out, or "taming" pimples. Just apply some on the pimple, leave it overnight and it'll do the job.

Out of sheer curiousity and also because i hardly need to look for pimples on my face, i tried it and wala... Its works. Er, for me at least. NOT recommended if you have sensitive skin and if you think you might disfigure yourself. Try at your own risk.

*

(i also received this email on the UniSIM student portal and i'm pretty amused because in my stay here in UniSIM, we've so far been all about studies with no play or anything vaguely interesting. But lookie here!)

"Dear Students of UniSIM

The organising committee of the inaugural UniSIM convocation ceremony is looking for students (who have chosen to graduate with UniSIM Award) with singing talent to come forward for an audition. If selected, he/she will receive personal coaching by renowned music composer, Ms Babes Conde. Ms Conde has composed a UniSIM Song with lyrics written by one of our UniSIM academics. So please volunteer your voice and come forward for an audition.

The person we are looking for should preferably be a soprano/tenor. He/She will present the UniSIM song item for the first time, at the inaugural convocation ceremony to be held on 25 September. "

I don't have a singing voice. :-(

Today's papers featured an article about how this young girl of only 19 years contracted HIV from her steady boyfriend. He didn't know he contracted it from the multiple partners he had had before and now it's been passed to her. The article also went on to elaborate on how people assume that just because someone looks "decent" and is in their social circle, they're "clean".

As much as i really feel like going: "Serves you right for having premarital (and very likely, unprotected) sex" (pardon me for my harsh words because i've an almost murderously firm stand against premarital sex) A bigger part of me feels really upset about how at their young tender age, they've already been given a death sentence... Unless a miracle happens in their lives. Not only do they have to deal with the darkness of ill health looming ahead, it's also going to be a stigma that they'll carry around with them in the years to come. And that cannot be easy. No, it can't.

If people would just curb their carnal desires and abstain, they'd save themselves a lot of complications should the tides change.

Gah... i wrote 2 looongggg drafts in about 2 hours and now i'm wondering whether i should even publish them! On first thought, sounds like a waste of time, but on hindsight i think that what i've written and saved is something that needs to be penned down for reference in future. So... time wasn't wasted.

Anyway, i had such a blast yesterday. Er, that pretty much sums up the 2 long drafts. And no, i didn't do anything way crazy or anything.

Spending time being still and quiet before my Creator as well as yakking, guitar-ing and singing songs with my NTU cell people really just makes my whole entire day.

Since you cannot bring Earthly possessions to Heaven, i wonder if guitars exist in Heaven. I mean, does God approve of some kinds of man-made creations? Can strum, pick,and sing song mah. Heehee.
And how about harps? You know, you always hear of angels and harps.
It's kinda neat to think of heavenly beings playing an instrument that you get to see and play on Earth.

Does that make you wonder where the inspiration to craft harps, on Earth, comes from? Mmmmm.

Or, or, maybe God already put in Man the ability to create instruments that are already being used in heaven?

Or... Maybe God has way cooler instruments up there. Mmm....

From what started off as a need to stop the scalp from itching due to humidity as well as to get a different look... Ugh! Short hair is not me. Remind me never, EVER, to chop my long hair to a short crop again. Neh-verh.

Now to just wait for it to grow out a leeettle beeeet.

***

I opened up Windows Media Player and decided on a little Corrinne May for her beautifully tender, light but still soulful singing and deep chord striking, honest, lyrics. Not forgetting also the awesomely touching song melody compositions and score arrangements.

Then i remembered she had a blog... And i teared a little when i read this post that she wrote.

Makes me wonder about the state of my own heart. But is it? Or is it my own attitude of laziness? Then again. Is it my own fears within his society?

***

Once Hady is eliminated from Singapore Idol, we are more or less... Done. No hope. Gone. I once supported Jonathan Leong, but to me, he could only hide his flaws for a while before showing that he isn't quite up to scratch.

***

Cartoons of the Old (80s-90s)

It all started when KL sent me the link to a Gummi Bears youtube video... Then i figured: Hm... would there be any My Little Pony videos? And OH YES there were... There were even some longer length-ed episodes for fans of the old school cartoon. Now imagine cuteness! giggly-ness! corny jokes!! in the original cartoon... But then... i came across THIS ONE: "Apocalypse Pony"

Yes, yes, morbid i know... Heh, just like me. Cannot stop laughing liao.

*walks off still giggling wildly to herself*

Donch know wot i''m going to do with the locks but the humidity isn't very good for my scalp when i've got hair volume equivalent to like 100 Chewbakas put together, attached to my head. Maybe some of it's gonna come off tomorrow. Yeeaahaah!

***

It's an amazing night to just spend some time walking around downstairs, and perhaps perch myself on one of those wooden benches.

It's serene, peaceful, and while i didn't traipse myself downstairs, i stood next to the kitchen window and let the cold wind that was sweeping in tickle my face.

Absolute bliss. How i wish that more nights and days could be like this... And make it during the holiday season when i'm free to spend my time as i please.

I'm just about wrapping up the essay that i've been working on for the last two weeks. *huge backhand swipe across forehead* I'll be able to send it off tomorrow by morning. Oh, thank God.

I know that despite putting in so much effort into it, i'm kind of sure that it isn't of 3rd level standard, and so probably isn't worth the 'A' that i would so love to have. An 'A' isn't only about pleasing the parentals but it also serves the instrumental function of giving the transcript a face lift. I NEED the 'A', it's really not just about wanting it.

Don't really like attending social psych tutorials really. My tutor hasn't quite got the human touch with the way she handles us, though she says she loves to teach (we only got that nugget of info after coaxing her to share a bit about herself). As much as i feel like doing a disappearing act, i know the law abiding side of me says that i cannot afford to do that. Poo.

I watched as he made his way through the departure hall, had his passport checked and stamped, and felt a sense of emptiness when i saw him turn around to give his cheery wave and then disappear into the bowels of the airport. It looked as if the whole platoon of us had just lost our "tour guide", who was all decked out in his happy green printed shirt. But the mood was far from happy... because this dear cell mate and brother that we got to know and befriend was leaving us for Brunei for good. "For good", in the sense that he is done with his education here and is pretty much "staying put in his home country Brunei".

It hurts to see him and his girlfriend (who left about a month ago) leave us especially after getting to know them better when they first came to join the NTU cell around about a year plus ago. They've become so much a part of us, sharing the same identity and having quite distinct roles in the cell group. I might not feel the full brunt of the loss right now, but i guess when we return to the cell setting in our familiar room in block 6C, i'll probably feel the void more. Still, i know that we'll all pull through, and life goes on.

But i guess, i rejoice to know that God had a reason/reasons in His plan for them when they were brought to Singapore, and as a cell we release them with love. Yet we know that we're still bonded by our friendship and by the body of Christ. We've seen how they've transformed: the same person but leaving with a different spirit and heart. Thank God.

Guess we'll just need to get used to not seeing their faces and feeling their presence with us, though we can still poke them on MSN. :-)

One thing about the NTU cell is that we somehow tend to pick up? attract? students from all walks and integrate them into our friendly and accepting "family", which is probably why it's so large. But because of this teary farewell we had yesterday... we were just joking that we should now make a new rule... No more exchange students, and that the cell will only allow Singaporean citizens and PRs so that we'll not have to go through another heartache. Heehee. But of course, we're just kidding. :-P

***

Own private issues (many, many), academic issues, and family issues... Ah, this week hasn't been easy.

I don't know when the last time was when i broke down from stress like that. I'm sorry i gave you such a fright.

Angry girl made her appearance again today. I just don't get why. Am i really such a bitter and messed up soul?

Or is it just the stress talking. Whatever it is... I don't like being angry because I sure don't like who i become.

Incomplete

I. want. to. try. some... Gaahhhh....

Note to self: she's got a webbie: www.cupcake-momma.net/

***

I'm going to Ramble because i feel like it. Actually no, i need to.

I'm a half past 6, chapalang, everything-must-try, like-that-also-can, kind of person.

After running and completing my 5km race, i've ceased running not because i don't want to anymore but it's the school work load that has slapped me stuck to the table really hard. Argh, but i'm not biting the dust yet. I still have my standard chartered quarter marathon......

I like my gymming sessions too, but sama, sama... Time's an issue.

And then there's my keyboard lessons that i stopped at the beginning of the year because i wanted to know how it would be if i had my whole thursday off to do my school work. The sacrifice kinda did pay off, but i would really love to get back to the lessons. :-(

Then i wanted to learn the drums but i backed off after reassessing my complete and utter lack of co-ordination, or as some people say, ability to NOT co-ordinate. (since each quarter of your body needs to "dissociate" to do different things at the same time.)

Then there's archery. It's a really sad situation. It's not that i don't love it anymore, but it's just that i'm so busy during the weekdays and saturdays that only my sunday is available to shoot. But then sunday becomes catch-up-with-work day, and so there goes archery. Inevitably, motivation to continue wanes. I'm telling you, this is a very sore spot for me.

Then the 6 string frenzy started when i found that i'm not as hopeless at the guitar than i thought i was. My finger tips on my left hand have developed callouses, and the thickened skin is now peeling, creating little patches of Singapore-, Sentosa-, Java-, Australia-, some other island-like shaped torn and broken dry skin. But due to work that's really time consuming, i find myself unable to continute practising because i know that i'll be tempted to play for a couple of hours on end. My finger tips are going to get soft again if i don't get back to practice.

My dad is always poking me about driving. I took the 4 theory lessons, took and passed the basic theory test, but stopped short at the final theory and practical lessons. I cannot seem to bring myself to take a step forward with this. Because...?
I'm SCARED.

My father often says that i don't have the will and discipline to stick to and master something. I guess when you look at my track record, you'd be most inclined to think so. Sometimes, i condemn and ask myself WHY i do things the way i do and i feel downright mediocre when i am with the bunch of people from each arena of interest. But i guess i have only myself to blame huh.

***

I'm feeling a little fearful about how well i can do this semester because firstly my week looks really packed, even more packed then before. These days, i'm also awaking so late because i feel dog tired by the end of the previous day. I usually shut down in a matter of seconds once i touch the bedsheets at night.

I'll be having school on tuesday and wednesday evenings. Thursday evening, i should be having band practice, and friday evening, cell group. Saturdays: Granny/Work and church (whole day gone). Any other extra time not taken up by the above is spent either essaying or scrambling to catch up with my readings. But I hardly get a whole day off to myself to do my stuff anymore.

Sure, evening activities are only a a few hours, but they're still extremely precious, and they still wear me down.

Secondly, i think i have a problem with my educators this semester and i sure don't think i feel as secure as before. In a way, i'm being trained to be even more independent in my concept understanding than i currently am.

***

As i'm typing all this, another side of me is saying: THEN STEP AND RISE UP! YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS! YOU NEED TO PUSH YOURSELF COS IT'S NOT IMPOSSIBLE.

I know i'll do just that in my own time. I just need to ramble to get it all out of my system. For now, a girl's just got to feel the exhaustion for a while before steeling herself, biting the bullet, taking a deep breath and plodding on.

PS: I thank God that i've got me pard-nah who doesn't whine or complain or throw hissy fits about not spending enough time together. Ok, given we're both mad busy with school now (so that helps put things into perspective) but i'm glad that we're both pretty much independent individuals on our own, so we're good.

Honest Confessions

Some things just can't be published. I feel like this G rated blog puts a stopper on my cyber lips, other times it filters my posts either into flippant and happy entries, or just prattly little chatter.

But darker thoughts want to be heard... And sometimes i fight the boundaries of sounding judgemental and speaking forth my honest thoughts. At times like these, i wish i was anonymous, to protect not just myself, but to protect the ones who i feel have caused hurt.

Actually, almost a year ago i did start another blog. And in it, i threw in every single expression of ALL my thoughts, ALL my feelings on certain issues, ALL my pain, ALL my anger. You would never have guessed that it was me writing all that.

After about a week or two, i took a step back, and read it. I read all the entries from top to bottom, and for the first time i realized in surprise how honest it was in comparison to this current one. How i could hear my own voice speaking in clarity and true honesty of what's in my heart, and what was on my mind. It was a place with no bars, no boundaries and where i felt safe to cry. It was totally, completely, ME.

As far as i know, no one had discovered it yet. So i was literally just yelling into emptiness.

And i liked what i saw. I really did.

But then a time came when i acknowledged that i had to let my anger go. I figured that if i kept feeding my pain, i wasn't ever going to heal. And so with some degree of reluctance, i deleted the blog... And there went my hole that i used to yell into.

But sometimes, the pain returns for whatever reason... To haunt you, to test you or to bring you down?
As i weep silently inside, apart from God, i have no one else to tell my pain to. Except the person who caused it, of course. Which i think i might do, in future.

And... No. This wasn't meant to be the confession. I had to censor the real thing all away. Sigh.

Ahhhuuuuggghhhh.......................

A simple two lines worth of an essay question is driving me up the wall! There're just too many issues to consider (but the tutors want to see it analyzed so what can we say against that?) and the information i've gleaned off the book and readings is scattered like hundreds of hard seeds on a cement pavement.

So do i address ALL the issues but only cursorily, or do i pick a few and address them in depth? Or should i try to be a heroine and pao-ka-liao everything to the best of my ability? I tell you, it's driving me NUTS. I'm seeing so many articles, juicy pockets of info, but to make sense of them within an essay, you'll need to at least explain it to some extent. But you cannot (or rather, i don't see how) do all that in just a meagre 2000 words!

Ahhhhuugughhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Farewell for E at Jumbo, East Coast.

Did you see this at Sentosa...?

***

The cousins. (paternal side) and a plate of "Or-nee". However you spell that. I've discovered (actually by mistake) that it tastes SO COMFORTINGLY GOOD. Like the sweet tasting equivalent of a warm, creamy, savoury soup to calm the nerves at midnight.

Jo: "Now we can see who the nuts (tongue flashers) are, in the family...."
Cousin Ian: "Yeah, and that the elder ones are the sabo kings."

***

Brain's been really over sensitive lately - like this uber highly charged but small lump of neurons that onced poked at, will jump up and furiously zap out little lightning thingys at you.

Stimuli like, too much information, seeing too many of something, too much noise, certain types of music, too little emotional support, has been having odd effects on me. I get things like headaches, or a sudden mad buzzing of questions, or a descending feeling of fear, dread or depression.

***

Shall i chop my locks, or perm / straighten, or just go for a really good hair treatment. Yuh, i'm feeling all vain and pampery now.

My mind (or is it more than that, i wonder.) has the funniest way with me sometimes.

After the fireworks display at Marina Bay yesterday night, the bridge that links the One Fullerton with the Esplanade became a tight "road" for two-way human traffic. The squeeze was really maddening (having God on my mind to keep me from thinking bad, negative thoughts really works) and my cell mates, another friend and i found ourselves being jostled along one "lane" towards the Esplanade.

I was pretty much minding my own business as i made my way, trying to make sure that i wasn't going to step on kids that were too short to see, step on shoes or kick anyone's heels. (I was also wondering if my hair stank, and if my friend behind me was secretly choking to death.)

Then somewhere along the way, this thought entered my mind and appealed to my conscious decision making processes: "Look to the left (where people were facing my direction as they made their way toward One Fullerton) 'cos i think i might see someone i know."

Lo and behold. Waddaya know.

About half a minute later, a familiar face i knew popped up from the linear mass of unrecognizable people. DAYANA!
We were so excited over seeing one another (the odds!), but noting as how we couldn't stop to talk, we had to keep moving on and away.

I related this to my sister who then asked me: "Did you dream of me winning one billion dollars?"

-.-"

I'm always having these weird, "coincidental", mind experiences. It's been more than once when particular thoughts would echo in my mind (and/or heart) and then something related to that thought would occur shortly after. But i'm not complaining.

I'm beginning to wonder if it's me just giving these occurences special notice until it feels like it's statistically significant (as opposed to people who've had such experiences but don't think too much of it). Or whether i'm just really........ special odd in that way.

La dee dah. Actually, i really wouldn't mind more of such "coincidences". Wouldn't it be nice to be psychic a prophetic speaker.

***

I popped into my sister's room to find her playing this xbox game that saw her as a third person character who happens to be a "squirrel" who "kills foes by bravely brandishing a frying pan in its right paw" and "battering the enemies to bloody bits and pieces".

Oh. Kay.

The SAFRA Sheares Bridge and AHM Run...

There's this dog in the next block that needs either some form of K9 Kounselling or someone to just give it a warm hug and constant reassuring pats on its head. The depression stricken fella has been punctuating the air with its baying and bellowing, howling and wailing for hours on end already.

I hear things like: (and some plausible translations)

"Aiii-woorrr....." ("the Aiwa player sucks")
"Ohh worrhh......" ("Oh, woe is me")
"Ooooorrrhhhhh......" ("Oh... Bad joke!")
"Ahhrroooowwaaarr...." ("Matt from Funniest Animals should be shot!")
"Arggggwoooaarrr..." ("I'm dying...")
"Arf!-rooowwoooooaarrrr..." ("That poodle is cute!" )
"Rooo... ooaarrr...." ("But i'm all alloooonnneee... *bawl*")
"Ahh-ooorrrrrhhh..." ("Hey, another cutie eye candy!")
"Wooff! Wooooaaaah...." ("I give up...")

It either finds joy in singing to some CD song its owner left in the player, or in conversing with other dogs from another dimension, or is crying foul over bad jokes on Planet's Funniest Animal Videos or it's experiencing some major separation anxiety.

Headache inducing man.

***

hawhaw, soo keewwttt, the leetteeell koochee baybeee.

*head explosion*

i love animal videos. Now where's Jed, i wanna squeeze him.

***

To run or not to run?

Online, it seems to say that registration is closed, but today's papers states that it's still open. There's a leisurely 6km and 10km non competitive run, which sounds very appealing to me. Hrmmm.... Decisions.

Dominic tells me that the song isn't titled "When the Music Fades", but it's actually "Heart of Worship". *chuckle* So, i guess that's not so bad after all, aye.

Presenting... My PINK PICKS! I *heart* you much much.

I got this pair at Peninsula Plaza yesterday at a small guitar shop next to Davis. I can't remember what the shop's called though. The light pink one's 0.46mm thick while the dark pink one's 0.71mm.

It wasn't like i meant to get them in this colour but it was because most of the other picks were either too thick, the purple ones were sadly too thick too, and the others didn't feel comfortable between my fingers. Still. To me, they look absolutely purdy and er... Edible. Kinda reminds me of the strawberry flavoured cream inside "Hello Panda" biscuits.


But yes i do like pink. (something i would not have readily admitted to while in kindergarten, because i wanted to prove that i was different, and not like the "other girls".)

As usual, lameology prevails between Gem and i as we strode out of the shop... If you were there, you'd hear nonsensical lines like these being shot back and forth between the both of us in our attempts in trying to outdo one another:

"I am picking picks"
"I'm being picky."
"Pink Picks!"
"I'm being picky while picking my picks"
"I'm being picky while picking my pink picks"
"The pinks picks were being pickyly picked by the picky picker"
"The picky picker's pinky was pickyly picking the pink picks"
.
.
.
and so on

I think he won. So bad hor, pick on me.

(just kidding! don't be mad!)

prattle

After a few weeks of struggling with the classical guitar and sifting through the worship songs on my mom's song list collection, i've finally found ONE song which (1) i know the chords of (2) my fingers can move easily from chord to chord (3) is a reasonably long song.

And what's the title you ask? "When the music fades".

WHEN THE MUSIC FADES?! FADES?! Gee thanks...! That is sooo encouraging, huh!

Maybe i'm suppose to stick to the keyboard after all. Teehee.

***

Today has not been a good day. Waking up late from having my fatigue fully made up for, beginning the day late, doing everything else except engaging with my readings and planning for my first assignment for the semester. Procrastinating, dragging my mental feet, and physically dragging on the guitar strings with a hard and tough pick actually meant for the bass guitar.

It's almost like the initial stage of denial, but i guess i'm going to have to, and WILL, force myself to get cracking on research and processing the obscenely superfluous chunks of readings. Wait. Ok, fine, just superfluous.

Permit me to complain some more. I need to just rant all my rubbish out. You know how it is with garbage. If you generate out garbage without disposing them, they begin to rot and smell really bad. So hence.

Yeah. So it is searingly hot, with the bright, blue cheery sky as the clear and pretty backdrop to the otherwise boring blocks of buildings. And I cannot be at the pool enjoying myself. Obviously, i'm still in my fantasy, holiday, Hawaii mode.

It's just past 4pm and i haven't accomplished much, while band practice awaits me this evening. Oh how i feel so guilty about spending more time outside home. The usual, the usual - Simply standing there to watch, listen and learn. Again. That's perfectly all right in itself, but i just feel like i could do with more time at home to make up for my slothfulness right now...

Yes, i've been doing that (watching, listening and learning) faithfully (pretty much) for 2 years now, save the times when i felt i was so detached from the ministry that i even (genuinely) forgot to attend practices.

I suppose you could say that my "patience and persistence" has "paid off" since i've now been scheduled to alternate with the other second keys (synthesizer) musician. But truth be told, my patience had worn quite thin many times before and i had questioned my presence in the music ministry.

Sometimes i really marvel at how things work out to test and break down my pride. From the beginning of time, i've HATED the synthesizer. Yes. I've hated it's very sound, it's very effects it's suppose to add on and atmosphere it supposedly creates. I detested the synthesizer. Because it sounded fake, it was the mother contributor of all cheaply made music, and was basically like nerve grating pond scum, bottom-of-the-barrel muck, to my ears. But now, i find myself gaining a starting place in the band as a synthesizer player.

Imagine my horror when my leader approached me and asked me to begin with the synthesizer when i was gunning for the keyboard instead. But you know what?

I appreciate and SEE clearly now, why this took place. And i THANK GOD for the baby stepping stones that were given to me to take instead of allowing me to plunge head first into something i understood nothing about.

Back to the problem with the picture.

So I certainly did not feel like i HAD to play for services, but what i felt was the problem with the picture was that i didn't think i was serving God the way i had planned to when i joined the ministry in the first place. That might translate once again to "playing for services", but you see, that is not the primary gripe. If i had another channel in the same ministry, but where i am still able to serve, then, yeay-ness.

But never we all mind now, right? Since things have taken one step forward.

Meanwhile, i also need to brush up on and polish my familiarity with the chords in the Key of E and A. The horrors.

Back to work.

Life in ACJC would've been awful without you guys. Cheers to our friendship!

Dropped by the Shape magazine website and discovered that they've put up the timings and positions of all runners who had completed the 5km and 10km runs. I apparently came in 489th out of the 1360+ 5km runners. So-so i guess, quite average.

***

I've already registered for the Standard Chartered 10km run. Kinda wondering if (1) i'm going to need a new pair of shoes especially since i've noticed that both my feet ached after doing 8km. (2) If i'm going to regret it. Haha.

Well, i've decided that i'm not going to set and meet some personal best timing so it's going to be more of a i'm-gonna-take-this-nice-and-easy-for-fun-laughter-peace-and-joy. Of course i'm going to jog all the way, and maybe up the speed here and there, but I'm not going to do much major pushing because my goal isn't of a competitive nature. Er, things should change though if while going on my own sweet way, i begin to notice matronly looking aunties running past me.

I've signed up and it's confirmed. Have you?

***

I kinda got adopted.

She was surprised to find that the angsty little girl had not left. Apparently, she still exists, waiting and had grasped the perfect opportunity to get riled up and lash out. She just doesn't seem to give up.

I would never have...

... thought that i would play a string instrument. Why?

Because:

1. i could never make sense of the different placements of the fingers on strings
2. nor could i remember much.
3. Also, i have short and stubby digits which do not obey my brain.
(For instance, Gem was telling me to move my middle finger. But for goodness knows what reason, i moved my index finger and then tried again only to shift my ring finger while keeping my middle finger firmly rooted to its spot. I am now convinced i have some psycho-motor issues. *sob*)
4. I've also been a pianist all my life.

So there you have it, a combination perfect for distancing myself from a stringed instrument.

But here i am now finding joy in strumming my dad's classical guitar that has been literally sitting in a corner collecting dust and listening to its own sad silence for all these years. It all started when i picked up my dad's classical and strummed some rubbish chord followed by another rubbish (ie. pressed any string i wanted) chord. Lo and behold, both the chords complemented one another. Kind of like a normal major chord first and then a sustained note of the same chord. Eg. E and then Esus2 or Esus4

All of a sudden, my memory bank for learning of chords has improved, though not yet flawless of course. The oddity. I suppose i could attribute that to "the hope in possibilities", which opens the was-once-closed mind.

Assuming we're coming from the viewpoint that music shall (not must) accompany worship, I admit that i find joy in leading others into worship with my keyboard, but you can't really lug your xxx kg piano or your xx kg electric keyboard all over the country, so hence guitars are the most portable instruments around, aside from your humble harmonica or something of the like. There are those really funky Foldable Pianos (can you believe that, so cool) but those would cost you a bomb, both arms and legs, and probably wouldn't sound or feel or work as good. I'm not sure, but they might still need to be plugged into a power socket still, to work. Well, then again, depends on what you're willing to compromise on, then.

Which so therefore led me to wish that i could play the guitar. But i would often moosh that thought as fast as it came because i've tried many times before, only to produce really muddy and dirty sounding chords. Er, actually i still do, but with a little more practice, there is hope. I.... think. I don't believe that it's impossible.

***

... thought that i would now enjoy running.

Running, to me, was a dreaded form of torture dished out by my PE teachers in *copious, lavish, abundant, generous, overflowing* amounts in the past. Being bestowed with that amount of running was one thing, but feeling wrecked after that was another issue. This was a problem that has a history that extends way back into my primary and secondary AND JC school days. My endurance level was also at a *pffffttt* kind of standard.

Ever since i embarked on regular jogging regime last year, and trained for the Shape Run this year, my body has decided to mercifully give in a little so as to make my attempts at fitness less daunting. Yeay. Like i've mentioned before, i'm not a great runner now, but i myself am able to see and even feel the improvement that i've made in the last one year.

So now, i'm going to sign up for my first Standard Chartered 10km. It's only a quarter of the full marathon, but i guess i'll work myself up slowly. I've never actually done a one shot 10km, run or swim or walk or jump or hopscotch or whatever, in my 2 decades worth of a life, so this will be my first.

Who wants to join me? Teehee.

PS: Uhm...! Passionfruit Tea (from BOH Tea) is sooooo exquisitely fragrant.

This week's activities look a little maddening to me. Not that it's a bad thing per se, but since school's beginning next week, i really should be winding down on my "other responsibilities" that took the main stage during the holidays.

Room's in a mess and my mind's a jumble of thoughts, with reminders of stuff to do and things that i promised other people that i would deliver. All of them need to be addressed and dealt with asap.

For some reason, i went through yesterday feeling troubled, held down by an unseen but a very heavy weight of worry and concern. I felt helpless, wordless, clueless and i could only rely on God's promise of security in all situations.

So much has happened over the last few weeks pertaining to my own spiritual walk and mental, er... environment? If only there was a way with which i can record all of my thoughts in a tape in just a few short moments. Frankly, though i want to store in words and feelings all that has happened, i don't even know where to begin, and time always seems so short.

Attraction to the attractive, to me, is a dangerous work of nature. Among human beings i mean. (Male peacocks are the pretty ones between the female and male, but i don't think the female peacock would be too concerned with his character or the way he manages his finances.)

When one becomes attracted to an attractive counterpart based on physical appearance alone, with respect to character judging, one tends to overlook the flaws, or think/fooled to think that flaws don't exist, or that all flaws can be tolerated, or that all flaws can never be too hard to deal with or made right. All because that beautiful, enchantingly gorgeous being is just... So desirable, that anything goes.

Right and Wrong. While some people do take great pains to change and/or to accept the other for all the bad points even after the inital rush (ie, they make the decision... to Love.) some other flaws may well be the very things that cause rifts and therefore a split between a couple in future. When i hear of fancying taking place before one actually interacts with the desirable target, my head screams: Blinded!

But humans are such that when we set our eyes upon someone of a different gender with agreeable physical features (well, at least for most of us who are not living alternative lifestyles), we begin to wish, to some extent, that we could associate with him/her. In the end, some do and some don't.

In cases where the "association" goes beyond just friendship into courtship, I salute those who have the sense to step out of a potential war zone when one sees that something cannot work out, as opposed to someone who is just too eager to be with someone, or wants an ego stroking or whatever else and so therefore enters into the relationship anyway.

There is a reason why you hear and will continue to hear that looks can be deceiving, good looks is not what's really important, beauty is fleeting, yada yada, because it's true. This is not to discount the fact that there ARE people who are stunningly attractive (by most standards) on both the inside and outside though. To those i say to you, good for you. :-)

So in obvious conclusion, all i can say is... Use (mostly) your brains. The heart, is a deceitful fella.

I er... happened to read a few of Pastor Glenn Lim's past blog entries and found out that er... He was from Ghim Moh Secondary School too. That's where i was from as well! Oh wow... The coincidence! And that was where he first met his wife too. Awww, schweeeet!

GMSS... This is the school that holds a very special place in my heart because it played a huge part in making me who i am today. I had teachers who saw the potential and believed in me, and trusted me with responsibilities that only a few students could handle. It was the place that uncovered and nurtured some of my talents, and i'm sure that it was by no accident that i got into that school, despite it being totally off my choice of 6 schools.

:-)

Just a few random pics i like.

There're a lot of these "xxx athletics dept" tees around that you see, and they all look so meaningless after a while. But i personally like this one a lot, from Local Brand.
Notice the Rickshaw man design and the text at the bottom: "Established 1819". If you know your history, this is very much a Singaporean tee.

Teehee. Be careful not to drink too much of this.












This is what happens when you put a bunch of overgrown kids together in Macdonalds for breakfast. (haha, i love my NTU people)

Shape Run 2006

My legs feel overused today. Pounding 5 times my weight on them for 5km and then shopping with my cousin to get his shoes, coupled with a headache, is no walk in the park. But still, i feel good. But i also feel disappointed.

There is a sense of superiority somehow when i know that i've done myself some justice in the morning, knowing that all of it was worth my time and my effort. I cannot say that i'm completely as pleased as punch with myself, but i'll say that being a part of a sporting event gives me a bit of a high which makes up just a teeny bit for my disappointment.

Didn't meet my personal goal though of hitting 35 minutes and below, and i missed out on being in the top 100 by around 6 minutes (which well... in actual fact is considered a long time in such events). Oh well. Yet, as i look back upon my fitness level a few months ago and as i compare that with what i'm capable of doing today, i can honestly say that i've come a long way. I'm not and have never been a good long distance runner in fact, which makes it all the more sweeter. In actuality, i hate running long distances (anything more than 1km).

And so i finally understand the meaning of "bring your training into your competition and bring your competition into your training". This is something that i've learnt from archery. For the former, you'll need that steady mentality that you've built up through your training during the competition. There'll always be people better or less than you, but you'll need to keep your head, to stick to the plan, to what you've trained yourself at. You cannot be overwhelmed by what you see, hear and feel. When you find that you are able to partition yourself from the external surroundings, you'll ease into the run better. For the latter, you need to be serious about your trainings, never slacking or cutting corners. You should bring your attitude of excellence into your trainings as well so that you're always at your best.

Now that the run is over, i'm gonna be looking for other interesting activities to pick up. Maybe kickboxing or dancing... something else other than running.

I'm rreaaalllleeee tired now. Sleepy. No one is going to ask me to do anything anymore tonight. I'm bushed.

***

Running gear with number tags and timing chip attached: check
Socks and shoes: check
Heart rate monitor and strap: check
Extra tee: check
Brolly: check
Towel: check
Handphone: check

Wallet: Cash (duh), IC (with every reason) and er... Organ Donation Card. You know..., just in case i run all the way home to God. Oh, check.

I've NEVER done a meme. How do you even pronounce "meme"? Mee-mee? Meh-meh? Mur mur? Mm-Mm?
So here's my first one that i kopied from Rach. :-)

10 Favourites:

(i skipped zis one because i don't have a favourite. I have favourite-S.)

9 currents:

Current mood: bored from waiting, but knows that there's something else i should be doing.
Current song: You Danced over Me.
Current book: Straits Times
Current subject studying: subject can be a person, not? *hurhur*
Current thought: how do i answer this question. ok, i shall not. Next!
Current time: 2:52pm
Current toenail colour: a healthy pink and off white
Current girlfriend: this meme was created by a nosy poker guy, huh.
Current wish: that i can ace my way through the rest of uni to make up for the past.

8 Firsts:

1st best friends: had a few in primary school but i dont know who was first though. But one whom i definitely remember is... Andrea!
1st crush: Heh heh. Kindergarten one counted anot? ;-p He was cute!
1st movie: er, earliest i can think of wld prolly be Indiana Jones, where i coined the phrase: "What's so funny? I'm not laughing." My family remembers this distinctly.
1st screen name: ponyboy
1st piercing: earrings when in... er... kindergarten or was it primary school. Yes, vainpottedness started young.
1st handphone: some ericsson G-something. Those can-kill-godzilla kind of brick phone.
1st sport: basketball.
1st pet: angel fishes that died and got flushed down the toilet or thrown down the chute. Pfftt.

7 Lasts:

Last cigarette: null.
Last drink: Ice wine. Yummerlicious, but only drunk at a snail's pace. You don't want joline when she's headachey.
Last car ride: sunday.
Last crush: should i even be mentioning this HERE?! *muahaha* Er, should i even be having one.
Last movie seen: (a few at Germ's place)
Last phone call: Mom.
Last sms: My gem. Telling him that he sounded like an oinking pig over msn.
Last song played: Uh... Hm.

6 Have you evers:

Dated one of ur best friends: nevah
Broken the law: nevah. i is type A. Type Anal.
Been arrested: somehow that sounds funny.
Skinny-dipped: Nevah
Been on TV: Yep. For some short cable tv interview and another as an extra on a friend's short movie.
Kissed someone you didn't know: nevah.

5 things:

5 things you are wearing: bacteria, specs, t-shirt, checkered shorts and remnants of Dove shower gel's 1/4 moisturising lotion.
5 things I've done today: made 2 sandwiches, kissed my pet dog, showered, drank fruity rose tea and said good morning to my cousin while half concussed.
5 things I can hear right now: My dog breathing as he sleeps, whirring fan, traffic going by outside, my lappie ticking away inside and my head telling me to speed up time.
5 things you can't live without: Relationships with God, loved and trusted ones, exercising, the internet, pain killers and good advice.
5 things you do when you're bored: blog, piano-ing, blog surf, tidy room and read newspapers.

4 Places You've Been:

Indonesia, Canada, US of A and Australia.

3 People You Can Tell (Almost) Anything To:

Cannot tell, wait they kena blackmailed.

2 Choices:
Black or White: black
Hot or Cold: Somehow this general question prompts me to leave it unanswered.

1 Wish: that one day, my spiritual heartbreaks will be no more.

You see it happening again and again, you hear the same old lines, they think they've got it, that they've finally got it right (wow... like, this is the 1000th time you said that). But yet in a matter of months, maybe even weeks, you see the situation collapse into that horrible, yet familiar scene of destruction. Again.

Some people have vices that hold too strong in them that once a teeny little bit pressure is applied on that spot, they crash. And burn. Hook, line and sinker. Their brains become mush, their senses become nonsense, their eyes cease to see, all they think of is that things are perfect. Oh, yes it is. But only the here and now, is. That's because the immediate desires are being met, the craved-for pleasurables of life is being stroked and pampered. But how about the future?

Beneath all the merry making, beneath all the physical pleasures, hidden under all the "joy" and fun, and the smiles, and laughter, the conversation, the romance and all that one thinks one is having, is the core of what makes the same old problem repeat themselves, over and over again. What the core is, i don't know because everyone has a different story to tell. Yet i wouldn't hesitate to add that in most instances of such problems, there is always a few common bottom lines of... Malfunction. For lack of a milder word. It is so rudimentary, it probably would even be part of our human nature, hence uncommon it is not.

And you want to grab them and tell them: STOP IT. But you don't because you don't want to spoil a good friendship, you don't want to be accused with "You DON'T UNDERSTAND!".

But it is only out of concern that you don't want to see your friend hurt.

Still. Fear. And so you watch it happen. Like a semi predictable movie that you know could swing in either direction, but from the repeated cues, hackneyed lines, and typical scenarios, you know... The possibility is very high.

Tannlines is having a sale, from the 7th to the 17th of July, at Paragon, #03-49. They seem to have some quite pretty stuff with pretty (good) prices, so head on down! I'm definitely going, for one but I don't know about the sizes available though. Boy am i glad i'm still having my holidays. :-P About a month ago, i treated myself and purchased a bikini (er, yeah...) from Tannlines (right, Miss D?) and i must say that this one fits a lot better than the previous one i bought from Taka.

***

Girls, do you prefer your guy to do stuff that says he loves you, or would you prefer him to tell you in words that he loves you (in this case lets take it that he does mean it)?

(ok, i know that we all would love him to do both, but if you could pick only one...?)

Happy Birthday, Chua XH. :-) May we always celebrate your birthday together in true gangsterism in the many years to come.

***

What is it about late night jogger-me and men? I'm not used to strangers trying to make conversation with me, let alone men who sound enthusiastic about it in the quiet of the night, after my jog.

(Jo jogs down slope as she reaches home and meets Man 1)

Man 1: Well done! Jogging so late?
Jo: Yeah... (*pant, pant* *feels relief at reaching home and then feeling intruded upon by stranger*)

Man 1: Where did you jog from?
Jo: I jogged from church. (*thinks: good time to evangelise? and to also be vague.*)

Man 1: Oh, i like to jog too.
Jo: Oh that's great! (*smiles brightly and also thinks: doesn't look like he jogs very often*)

Man 1: See you then! (*smiles a little smile that looks half hopeful, half unsure*)
Jo: Right, bye! (*thinks: is he ok? er... this is not normal.*)

(couple of days ago)

(jo walks alone quickly in the dark past the playground, minding her own business, but notices a man walking up from the playground after doing some chin ups)

Man 2: (speaks up from behind me in Mandarin) So late and you still jog?
Jo: (takes a while to register that he's talking to me before i turn around, and stammers replies in... Mandarin) Yes, at the gym.

Man 2: (still in Mandarin) Really? I've not seen you around.
Jo: (*thinks: eh? should you be noticing at all?)

Man 2: (In Mandarin) Are you a local?
Jo: (*scowls very hard and frowns because jo doesn't understand the Mandarin word for local*)

Man 2: (repeats his question in English) You're not local?
Jo: No, no, no... (meaning: No, no such thing, i AM local)

Man 2: Oh... Your accent doesn't sound local.
Jo: Oh... (*smiles* *thinks: er, ok... this is not good*)

Man 2: (in English) Oh... Ok, see you around!
Jo: (in English) See you!

See, i wasn't kidding when i said that my mandarin is beyond terrible, and that sure isn't something to be proud of. It sounds so off that it even makes someone think that i'm not local! :-( Sure am appreciative that Gem's mandarin is waaaay better than mine. In all those cases when we had to ask someone something in Mandarin, he was desperately poked by mua (distress button) to ask for help, and thank God he does it very well.

(17th of April: Something i drafted and saved. Decided to post this because it made me smile at the memory.)

I had a grand time on Good Friday. Good friday was spent in church to watch a drama performance by the creative arts ministry. The grief and sadness depicted by all the scenes were to illustrate the pain and sorrow experienced by Jesus before his death. The Time of Darkness before his death on the cross.

One particular scene that portrayed just a single woman crying and screaming her heart out because of a miscarriage squeezed my heart so much that i couldn't help but let my tears well up and stream down my cheeks. Lucky no make-up on, or else confirm become Goth Girl by the end of the service.

And friday was possibly the longest time i've ever spent with my church cell gang. The day saw us moving from church, to Marina Square to Jo's Tavern somewhere along the Holland area. Drinks provided there are for free, no alcohol though. And the piano and guitars are free for anyone to pick up and play. The frisky black and tan animal was a noisy nuisance though, but i guess he provided an avenue for both play and bullying.

We rock lah, NTU CELL, wooooooooooooooot! It seems to me that the NTU cell is being taken over by SIMers or, SIMs. As this blog loves lame jokes and corniness of all sorts, i will quote these lines from the unknown original source. Oh, and if you want (i know you guys are reading), you can leave your name to claim credit for your lines.

1. "It seems that we're becoming more SIMful (sinful)." (?)
2. "We're SIMmers (sinners) after all" (?)
3. "We're all so SIMilar..." (Dominic)
4. "Wa lao..., SIM tia man..." (yours truly)
(but i do speak the sentiments of everyone right? Right?!)

Don't know if you have, but i caught a few er, teasers of this new series called the "Ghost Whisperer". I honestly thought it was a joke. Ghost Whisperer? Immediately the first thing that came into my head was: Gee, are they trying to portray ghosts in a less supernaturally unknown light, as less scary, and more misunderstood beings that bear even hope, feelings and emotions?

It seems like a marriage between romance (as in the concept of romanticism) and horror, two quite emotionally inducing genres that would be positioned on something like polar ends of the spectrum. We've all yet to see what will be borne out of that, though i doubt i'll watch it anyways.

Kinda reminds me of that drama series "Touched by an Angel" which featured episode after episode of how angels (spiritual beings) dealt with mortals, as opposed to this series, which will depict a mortal dealing with spirits.

***

I think i've been putting on weight judging by this perceived jingle about me, even if the weighing scale doesn't show it. Then again, it could well be just psychological guilt of sorts acting up because my appetite of late has been really good, with cravings plaguing me almost all the time. Gem will vouch for this i know. Heh.

Been having cravings for that Adam Road fruit juice special and prawn mee, BBQ Stingray (yes, it's STILL ongoing and i don't know why) , oyster omelette and teh peng (the coffee shop kind of ice tea).

Shape Run '06 is in less than 2 weeks. YAY, finally! After which i will probably begin looking for a different form of exercise to supplement my weekly canal runs, cos i think running on its own is getting a little too monotonous.

***

On sunday, this really old school fortune-telling-weighing-machine thingy caught my sister's eye when we were shopping around Parkway Parade. We snapped a photo of it on her phone and decided to waste 20cents for the fun of seeing what the old metal lump would churn out. I remember that when i was a kid doing the same lets-try-this-thing-for-fun, i was offended by the stupid machine because it said something rather rude.

Anyway, after standing on the metal weighing plate, after which we waited for the mechanism to stabilise before putting in a 20cent coin, the machine got clonking and it spat out a piece of cardboard that had my weight printed as xxkg (ok, decently accurate) on one side and behind the same piece of cardboard was printed some sagely words........

That i cannot tell you word for word because i left the paper in my shorts that went into the wash before i could save it. -.- Retarded, i know.

But from the little that i can see from the now mushed up cardboard that looks half digested, it says: "A brilliant marriage will raise your ... ... above expectations... "

TSK.

Wrong person LAH. It's FSH who's getting hitched next year, not mua.

Title: (as stated on tee)
I fell in love with it the moment i set my eyes on it. What can i say? I'm one of them, great procrastinators.









Title: Biblical Disaster
No wonder.











Title: Prehistoric Freak
Gotta love this one, poking fun at lil ole Barney.
Gem and i bought one each of this, as well as Biblical Disaster.















Title: Zombie Donkey
I feel a bit like Mr Zombie sometimes. Chasing some thing(s) i wasn't meant to be created with in the first place.










***

I've gone on a couple of shopping stints recently, about a month late as compared to the rest of Singapore, but i don't feel like i missed out on anything cos it seems like the deals are as sweet, if not maybe even sweeter.

U2 hasn't gone all the way with their discounts yet though. I remember distinctly how they cut their prices down by 70% last year around July or August, some such. Oh the bliss, because while the rest of the Singaporean population had gone back to work and school, it gave people like me free reign (and rein) over the shops. Muah hahahaaa.

***

Having spoken to two important people over the weekend, it's come to light once again this dualistic aspect of me: That on one hand i appreciate relating to others through the sharing of personal issues as well as discussing issues that involve both parties, and also acknowledging the other side of me that tends to shrink into a lonely silence despite being surrounded by familiar friends.

***

Perhaps more later. I've gotta go for a walk... The durians i had just now are really being accusatory. Not good.

They call it a "concert", but i call it "combined worship".

That's what i experienced yesterday night at Faith Methodist Church which held workshops for various musicians (keys, guitar, etc) and the worship session which was led by Paul Baloche and his band. All i can say is that they are one down to Earth group of guys (note: NOT a boy band) , writing and playing music as an offering to please and worship the Lord who deserves all praise, however imperfect it is.

Despite them wanting to make everything perfect from the sound checks to the actual playing, they were candid and good humoured about their glitches that popped up here and there. No airs about them.

I thought that it was a wonderfully unifying experience worshipping with a team from halfway around the world together with a few hundred musicians and vocalists around Singapore. The bandspeak that was being used, i thought was a sweet reminder of how we all understand and share in the same goals and struggles for our worship ministry in our own churches.

Given the kind of person i am, I really had to step out from my comfort zone to attend this event but i must conclude that don't regret spending my evening there one bit. Perhaps i'll be more open in future about such events, and i'll consider taking the plunge again.

***

All THANKS TO GOD! Grades for last semester... An A- and a B+

The B+ missed out on being an A- by just a few marks though... Gah. But i guess i'm thankful for the results as a reflection of the dependence upon God in those times when i was physically and mentally burning out but instead continued to burn strong from within fueled by His strength to persistently work hard. I'm going to continue giving my best and throw in even more effort into my last three semesters because i'm bent on making up for the last two years that were enslaved to the bad British marking system!

The sweetest words to my ears this night was hearing my parents give their affirmation and belief of confidence in me that i'll be doing them proud. It's been such a long time since they've expressed their thoughts on that and their simple words have touched that existing sensitive chord in me that desires not to let them down after all their selfless sacrifices and providences.

***

Threadless tees have touched my shore! Pictures will be up soon. ;-) I hope.

Holidays seem to train me in the ways of bimbotism.

Ok, so i wasn't pulling that sissy of a poundage after all, well er... In my books only. Some women can pull a mean 40+ pounds on the compound bow. The max my bow can be adjusted to is 40 pounds, and right now it's cranked up to 36 pounds, which was done earlier today. Whee, and all along i thought i was doing only 30.

I'm not very sure about competing in this year's Pesta Sukan (Archery) in August, but i figured, ah well, no harm giving it a shot (no pun intended). But it's been a while since i've been competition fit, with the particular muscles groups in condition for rigorous drawing and steadily sustaining the weight of the bow. Feeling like i'm beginning from scratch again, feeling the old(-new) aches returning in the same places on my back and arms. Gotta say i like it though. He calls me a Sadist, i agree to some extent.

***

Finally, a week where i don't have to dedicate days in a row to anything. I really hope i can keep this week more relaxed because school's going to start somewhere in mid july and it's about time to wind down, have some time for myself and significant other (yes, we haven't pak-tored since the hols began ok.)

***

Keeping Track:

Palawan beach
Adam Road Food Centre (Prawn noodles and Fruit Juice special)
The Esplanade
BBQ with G & others
Cell event in July
Time with D (have yet to ask her)

(above) Just some of the things that've been floating on my mind and have been wanting to do.

Shape Run on the 16th of July
Archery Pesta Sukan in August
Mizuno Wave Run on the 23rd of July? (shall i? but i dont feel like torturing myself in the space of 1 week by increasing my distance by 200%)

(above) Just some of the sporting events on my schedule.

***

Eyes are right about shutting, so it's off to bed with me while the new day creeps up in about 20 minutes or so.

The next time someone makes a "smart joke" that people would usually exclaimed "SO CORNY!!!" after, please refrain from saying "SO CORNY", instead say "SO PUNNY!" (you do know that "p" can also be pronounced the way "f" is pronounced too, right). This is because "corny" means "dated, dull and tiresome". Which is hardly what you meant to say in the first place. I really don't know how and why "corny" got so misplaced in our vocabulary.

***

I realize that in subtle ways, the places that i've been immersing myself in challenges my fears and weakpoints. Like how in SIM, all my classmates are adults, 90% of whom are 30+ and above, and where i work part time, i deal with lots of expatriates, i pick up calls from strangers, i have to be nice and smiley all the time even when i make mistakes or have been told things in a less than kind way.

I haven't grown up, really. Kind of like, a child stuck in a body that doesn't stop aging. It changes, the numbers go one up every year, but there's something in me that hasn't quite changed profoundly. I don't need a kick in my tush for something to happen right?

***

My race draws nearer... The training has resulted in my improved endurance, and my timing has also improved. Not to say that it's wonderful by most standards, but it's definitely better than what it used to be. The only problem with it is that it's improving too slowly for my liking! Never mind, we'll see what happens on the day itself. *grins to self*

***

The church varsity camp that we spent about a month on with planning is finally over, and rats, i didn't even spend half the time at the camp! (because of work) Still, I'd have to say that it's been a great pleasure working with everyone. You guys are a fun, witty, garang and driven bunch... and i will always have a soft spot for my games comms people. GROUP HUG! *bimbotic giggling* But seriously, they're so easy to work with because they're always spilling with creative ideas, bubbly like Pepsi, smart and quick as whips, cooperative, selfless and most importantly... like minded in the ways of SABOTAGE. Muah hahahahahaha!

M and B, much thanks to the both of you!

A snippet before we embarked upon our marathon. Er, movie marathon. ;-)

Love you guys.

It's a constant struggle to not be disappointed with my Christian walk. I expect too much and so i fall flat on my face, turning cynical and sceptical all over again. The emptiness returns and i know that that happens because i run off to do my own thing leaving my Daddy behind, breaking free from his coaching and guidance.

I'm trying to learn what it means to yearn but not to be conditional about how i see my relationship with the Lord. I'm trying to be expectant but not demanding. I see it basically as "patiently desiring more".

It sure isn't easy.

I'm tired of my ups and downs with Him. All i want is to know Him, much more and deeper. I'm tired of searching and guessing, and wondering. How can i walk closely with someone i don't understand well? I hate to put words into God's mouth about what He's trying to do in my life (i never believe in making assumptions and believing in it unless i know for sure), but at this point i wonder if all these heartbreaks in my journey with Him is to teach me the quality of perseverence, a trait i do actually lack in my character.

I've fallen many times, crawled for a bit, and then dusted myself to stand up again. I hurt but i try to walk again. Each time there will always be someone there to tell me to keep pressing in and to keep seeking. But the pain sometimes gets to me and i cry out all the "Why" questions.

I'm waiting for the day when the wall is finally chipped away, when that wretched locked door finally swings open when the key is found.

***

Went through the stock chart on Threadless, and boy am i glad i made a move, and fast. Apparently out of 4 tees i placed my order for, 3 are already out of stock.

Gem and I both got "Prehistoric Freak" and "Biblical Disaster", while i got another two, called "Zombie Donkey" and "Procrastinators: Leaders of Tomorrow".

*rubs hands with glee*

To Mari: The first order is in the process of being packaged and sent off, the second one has only just been received and will be packaged soon.

I really should stop taking photos that are simply look-at-camera-and-smile types. B-O-R-I-N-G.

Remembering that i had a memory triggering aid in the form of a CD with a sizeable number of photos of my JC mates, i sifted through my pile of CDs, found it and popped it into the drive.

I'm smiling as i click through and view them one by one. The ones that especially trigger those feelings of nostalgia and that fuzzy warmth are those that capture in a sweet frame our madcap antics, smiles that were caught in a split second without the purposeful bunching of certain muscles for that practiced smile some of us have tried to perfect.

The best pictures are those that allow you to see more than a smile plastered on a face, the kind that reveals to the viewer the reflection of the sentiment(s) of that moment through the body language of the photo's subjects. It's a joy to see us close friends just being ourselves, the way we are.

And then i think, we don't always have to smile for photos, do we? Yeah. We don't.

Think about how different it would be if we took photos of ourselves in times when we are feeling anguish, when our eyes are sore and swollen with prolonged crying, when our faces reflect emptiness, dull from the sapping of all positivity.

If photos are about capturing moments to remember, are not times of unhappiness worthy of being remembered, or captured, too? Thinking back on events past and seasons of our lives need not always have to stir good emotions. Our lives are a collection of far more than that.

Life is equally ugly as it is beautiful.

***

THREADLESS IS HAVING A SALE FOR ONLY 3 DAYS. LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! GO! GO! GO!


***

Germ and i scored when we spent a rainless wednesday last week at Sentosa, Palawan Beach, doing nothing but sprawling ourselves upon the beach and nua-ing in the sun. The days that came after saw only cold rain and dull grey clouds. Hah!

Must say that spending a day with my homie at the beach (i love everything about being at the beach) was a lot more than just pleasant. I didn't really want to leave when evening creeped up on us.

For those of you who've been to Palawan Beach, you'll know about that wooden bridge and two tall wooden structures that overlook the sea with a bridge connecting them both. I'm not kidding you when i say that these are things that come straight out from my fantasies. What i would give to spend a night up there with nature and people i care about. *wistful smiley sigh*

Got to love the amenities (newly renovated) too though i can expect to see it tranformed for the worse in a few months time, with the usual wear and tear as well as lovely contributions from inconsiderate users.

I felt like i was showering in a resort-themed loo, or a stable or something. The ceiling wasn't your usual white and flat ceiling but the toilets were housed under this huge wooden shelter that covers all the showers as well as toilets.
When you tilt your head up, you'll see the ceiling fans twirling round and around above you. Quite shiok when you are doing your stuff in the toilet. Hee.
(note: i may have misjudged the height of the ceiling though, 'cos my glasses were off)

The feeling you get is one of openness without the fear of being peeped at. Yet you feel the free flow of fresh air. I like.

We even bought pictures of our pretty selves. ;-) Muah haha. Erm, what happens is that photographers will come by and ask if you would like to take photos, of which you can later view and buy as a souvenir at the Island Shop. Not bad you know... Sentosa has their own line of clothing too now. Interesting.

One of my all time favourite movies HAS to be the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
***

This sounds crazy but i'm going to plan a schedule for myself to read up on the most recently completed sem's textbooks once through again. It's a whole load of beneficial information missed out during the academic writing frenzy. I don't want to slack off too much either lest i forget what i should know for the next semester.

***

It is usually after an enjoyable day out with a friend or friends that i always wonder to myself when in solitude: How many of these people will be friends who stick around for life?

Some friends may marry off, and some may not. Either way, there's a chance that some part of their lifestyle may pull them away from you. Or, emotional distance and connection between two people become so ghostly thin that it stops one party from reaching out to the other, or from reciprocating the request that was extended. Worse, what if something horrible happens...

There are only so many friends with whom you can really stick tight to. It's kind of like you have a core group, then a next group outside the core, and so forth. The people staying within a group may not be static, and may move from group to group over time. But there will always be a group left on the outside, and those are the ones at risk of being lost, and possibly for good.

***

Trekking 10km is nothing like running 10km.

A group of 5 of us took to the reservoir so that we could reach that tree top trail that we've been dreaming about venturing across. Thank God that the weather was great on sunday morning, a.k.a merciless searing hot sun, blue skies and white turfs of clouds.

Throughout the 10km, we walked our way through stony paths that wound their way through the forest sometimes bring us upslope and downslope. Other times we padded on soft black soil that felt almost like a carpet beneath our footwear. We also strolled parallel to the SICC golf course on a patch of open land under the perfect sky that made us feel like we weren't quite in Singapore. (we tried to ignore the concrete buildings in the far distance) And the finale was a walk on a 2km long wooden boardwalk that snakes itself between the edges of the forest and the fringe of the reservoir.

As much as i know that all good things will need to come to an end, the tree top walk could've been made looonnggerrr.......... But i loved being up there. Downright exhilarating (for me at least)! Being high above the ground, looking across the canopy of green, feeling the heat beat down and the slight carress of the cool wind on my skin. Looooovvvved it. :-) It was interesting to absorb in the smells and sights, observing how our climate allows for such a diversity of flora. Looking down, you'll see a variety of shapes and sizes of leaves in a small area of land.

One of the most memorable parts was of the climbing up of this tall er... wooden structure thingy that allows you to overlook the vast greenery and enjoy the cool breeze with the direct heat of the sun. It was too bad that not many people seemed to have the fear of heights because shortly after we came up, more people started trooping up which meant that we had to get down or else we all might end up going down together in one atrociously huge lump, wooden structure and all, whether we planned to or not. Boo. Good thing we've got pictures to remember those moments. :-)

I particularly enjoyed walking on the open land next to the golf course because the grass was so green, the sky so brilliant and the air was so fresh. There was little noise too, a kind of peace and quiet that feels alien to us city dwellers. The boardwalk later on also proved to be a perfect spot for people who want to meditate beside the quiet of the forest and slow moving water. If i had gone alone, i'd have chosen to stay there for a while. The silence that descended when one stills one's heart, is pleasantly intoxicating.

Nothing like a good workout in the morning with good friends, i must say.

Next up, more meet ups and a beach trip with my homie. Toodlee Doo!

Ah, i am a young, handsome, fit male.

You Are Cyclops

Dedicated and responsible, you will always remain loyal to your cause. You are a commanding leader - after all, you can kill someone just by looking at them. Power: force beams from your eyes

Which of the X-Men Are You?

Teeheehee.