Returned

Back from the tertiary camp that was held over the weekend.

Had wanted to post up something on how it has been a small but significant blessing. But i got gunned down by my mom's killer glare last night so the post isn't done yet.

Catching up with my readings that i've missed now so i'll probably be back only later.

It's been days of mulling, self reflection and realizing my faults and flaws.
And i realize how much control AND how little control i have over who i am and how i can change.

I'm looking forward to the next camp... The planning was insane but everything pulled together in the end.
If the social recluse can say that another camp would be cool, then it must be good.

It was not perfect. But qualitatively, it was perfect.

Thank God.

Later, loves.

both extremes

I never knew that i still hold so much bitterness inside.

It's like a simmering well of poison that stays mostly hidden and concealed under that nicely painted unsuspecting picture...

Until something that makes it boil comes around.

Then, i would taste the anger... And the heart turns cold and hard.

Almost snapped back with something bitter and nasty but stopped just in time.

*** ***

I am VERY GROUCHY. I know, been complaining about it for the last few days about not sleeping well.

But it just came to a complete head today. I was working all the way from morning to night, then to morning again and slept from freaking 7am to 945am.
Only to continue working my posterior off till now.

I wouldn't have eaten if no one had asked me to.

I am blogging because i cannot take it! I need to scream so you shall get it.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am easily pissed and if you so much as raise your voice at me, i will put a frog in your mattress tonight. Or worse.

And this fella * well cannot even WAIT for a while for an email to arrive. I was just going to send the email when C. called me for the second time, *ing shortly, after the first call, hurrying me for the email.

* IT!

It wasn't even 15 minutes, * IT!

BUT.

Amidst all this pissy feelings. I tell you, despite me being such a wreck, dirty, impure and fallen being, GOD IS GOOD and as i am working, HE'S WORKING ALONGSIDE ME!

I had to do 3 things today:
- do the PP slides for the bible trivia
- dash out to get the games logistics
- go down to zap the journals at henderson (WT...)

3 things but that's a whole lotta things for so little time when i had to report by 4pm, but now 6pm.

Been doing the trivia thing for days and it's still not done... While i was slogging away at the laptop, i began to feel the pressure and tiredness from all the days of non-stop work.

So, i bowed my head and said a simple prayer to God... asking him to "please... let me finish the slides on time..."

And guess what. C. called up not long after to tell me that K. was free to pick up the logistics stuff that i was suppose to.

THANKS BE TO GOD!

Then, while still slogging away, quite a while later, C. called again to let me know that i can send the email to the office so that i didn't need to go all the way down.

You tell me who's behind all that?

It's uncanny, it happened all so neatly.
So if you've noticed, all i have to do now is concentrate on the pp slides.

So, I AM OFF FOR NOW!

My little testimony.
That God sees what i'm doing, His hand is never too short to help me, He answers prayers
and... He knows the limits to my overzealous self.

GOTTA GO!

GOD, SHOW ME MORE!

tILL then.
*Lord, to see more of you during this church camp, i pray*

:-I

Apart from God's and nuclear family love, there is no other love that i trust in.

*** ***

Took a scissors to my hair today, out of whim. Snipped off some from the front layers. It's nothing much. Just a little shorter. Hardly noticeable anyway.

It's something i do now and then when i feel like it and it makes me happier.

It's V day. So?

Wrote a loooong entry about my abhorrence for Valentine's Day.
But when i received another sms...
(from a FRIEND.)

Hard Heart melted and well... let's see what the destiny of that post is.

*** ***

ARGH. ANOTHER DAY WHEN MY HEAD TOUCHED THE PILLOW ONLY AT 3+ to 4am! I cannot LIVE like this!
*does a melodramatic faint*

Establishing a very unhealthy internal alarm clock. Brain is working less efficiently. I do wonder how some other varsity students can handle it.

I find myself having too many thoughts with a hopeless capacity to process everything. To even know what the rabbit i am talking about.

I miss my rambly long posts. :-)

Ack. Cognitive Textbook calls. I hate the way it's written.

*** ***

I think i have lost whatever wit i ever even had.
I find myself incapable of twisting something and throwing it back with intelligent wit.

I have become a smile/grin-nod dim-wit, who says, "ok..." or, "sheesh", or, "wa lau" or some other boring trash like that.

Another thing is, from one incident, i've realize that i have learnt to tone down quite a bit with my sarcasm. I actually held my tongue just in time before i blurted out a retort.

I might be wrong here, because maybe some of you might still think i am a rude snot, but i use to be worse ok.
Believe me.
We're getting the watered down version today. *smirk*

Honestly, i never mean to hurt anyone with sarcasm (though people may anyway), i never mean anything with malice.
It might come out sounding rude but there really isn't anything personal.

It's just a part of me.

I was once chastised because of it before. But i guess back then, it was coupled with the fact that i was bitter and depressed then.

It's different now. I want to be who i am, the sharp mouth. But it's been suppressed over the years, that if i were to bring it back, i'm not so sure of the consequences.

Till Then.
*If only time stood still long enough for me to sleep. Without getting caught by the parentals for sleeping in the afternoon*

Bad form

Anyway...

I wish i had been Belinda Lee.

Keanu Reeves is mine.

*** ***

Guilt ridden me, guilt ridden me.

BAH.

It's Chinese New Year, can i just let loose?
I feel the nagging at the back of my mind... "go to work... go to work... you haven't finished your readings, you still have your essay..."

I haven't even gone for my first lecture and tutorial and i am already trying to attempt the question. I have this habit of trying to do everything fast and ahead of everyone and ahead of the given schedule.

Thing is, if i don't solidify and totally get the full picture of the things i've learnt, i'll just waste my energy and effort if i go ahead and write my essay.

*** ***

There seems to be so much i wish to say except that my brain isn't working too efficiently.

Church camp planning, hanging around aimlessly, wishing i could sit in my chair and study, ponder...

I think i'm just... Really tired and not in the best of form.

Someone...
I beseech thee... Whisk me far away, far from the cares of this world, bring me to a place where my eyes can behold the far reaches of this world, where i can take a breath with a chest unladen, and not have an atom of worry at all.

I need to sleep. Just when i thought i could study.

Till Then.
*Lord, please forgive me for putting other things ahead of you.*

Jo at 4am.



Doing some church camp stuff. *goggle*

I am dreaming of the bed, but surprisingly not desperately sleepy.

These nights have GOT to STOP.

Till a more godly hour.

I take my leave.

David Lanz

It'll be forever different now, whenever i pick up a David Lanz CD to play.

I sat (almost) at the feet of my favourite pianist today. Second row from the very front, stall seat.

My parents and i came on time and so i sat all by my lonesome at my seat (because they wanted the cheaper seats, so i paid my own more expensive fare) staring at the black Steinway & Sons grand piano.

The theatre was semi dark while the stage was shrouded in darkness, save for the few spotlights that highlighted the grand.

It was almost surreal just sitting where i was, looking straight ahead, waiting in controlled anticipation/conscious nonchalance (don't ask me why, maybe it's my personal disregard towards looking like a mad fan though i sort of am almost there in truth) for the moment when David (it gets tiring typing David Lanz) comes on stage.

The piano itself was an art piece, the way it stood there in its black, handsome and sturdy grandeur, yet it seemed to also pulsate its own alluring (sexy?) charm.
In David's words, like a "Dark Horse".

I know he composed a song with such a title attributed to the subject instrument.

The music playing in the background seemed almost cheesy in comparison to what i was going to hear.

Then the lights dimmed, covering us in almost pitch darkness.

And David walked out from the black corner of the stage, just as if he melted into our presence. Like, some Phantom of the Theatre house.

It was like a DREAM.

It's not because i see him as my IDOL in that obsessive sense, though but i go around calling him my "ou xiang" because he IS my favourite pianist.
Neither will you see hearts flying around my head and twinkling in my peepers.

But it was something so personal, though impersonal in reality sadly.

This person, whose CDs i've been listening to since i was in secondary school has flown all the way, half way around the world, to our little island to tinkle and bang (artfully of course), a few songs to us.

He was so REAL and no longer just a faceless musician.

The second he dived into his first song, i felt as if i was listening to the studio recorded CD track.

The way the lights dimmed on him as he prepared himself and the way it changed its hue, intensity and colour as he played his songs made him look like an artwork... a fusion, together with the Steinway.

It was a joy watching his fingers move effortlessly on the keyboard, making it look so easy.
Well, he made mistakes too... Two songs were riddled with mistakes.
But it just served to make me think him all the more human. And real.

He's just like one of us. Just... with different circumstances in life.

There was once i noticed how tensed i was all over throughout one of the mistakey songs.

There was just something intriguing about the way a human can command the piano. Pressing the right buttons, hitting the chords, how hard you depress the keys...
Something about control, something about doing it right.

Reminds me of.. God? But doesn't quite fit, right.
:-)

He played mostly the most touching, romantic and all time favourite songs. And those, i am very familiar with.
Some of the others are from albums i possess and a couple from a new album not released here, "The Good Life".

David made his concert a little interactive. Melike. And he has a pleasant sense of humour.

There was this little medley of "childhood songs" which he played and it was just SO FUN!
He did little "gimmicks" here and there, like giving us little funny expressions while he played, pretending like there weren't enough keys on the board when he reached the end of the board, putting on sunglasses when it came to the fast, funky and upbeat part, and DELIBERATELY taking them off when it slowed down to the more "serious" parts.

It was entertaining then. Couldn't get enough of it.

And mind you, besides playing romantic pieces, he's a pretty darn competent jazz pianist. In fact, i think he does play jazz. And if you ask me, he looked a whole lot more comfortable playing jazz.

Oh... i've had a taste of what it is like to experience music live from an artiste i appreciate.

I hope there'll be more events like this to come. But first, i have to find more musicians i genuinely love.
Hm, Keiko Matsui's another.
We'll see.

I am hoping that the image of David sitting at his dark piano, with the dim coloured lights enfolding him, will stick in my mind for a long time to come.

But more so, i hope he returns.

And that those jokers would jack up the publicity.

Till then.
*a pity that i didn't get to speak to him. I remember leaving him a message on his website about how nice it'd be if he came to visit, and perform at our arts centre. It's his first time in this part of the world, he said.*

The moments after...

DAVID LANZ CONCERT TOMORROW at THE ESPLANADE, 8pm.

I've NEVER HAD SUCH motivation to buy tickets for a concert that takes place at the Esplanade apart from band performances by alma mata ACJC.

BEHOLD! MY FAVOURITE PIANIST!!!
I am UNSPEAKABLY EXCITED!
I cannot BELIEVE HE'S COMING TO, IF NOT ALREADY IN SINGAPORE!

*** ***

Hearing a simulated version of how it sounds like from a mortal mouth, i think i can imagine how God aka Jesus might say it and how much He must love me.

And it warms my heart and pricks (sometimes devours) my consciousness, that someone so divine, so brilliant, so perfect, so spotless and clean, so pure...
Could look at me and think no evil thoughts of me but can only love a sinner that is so imperfect, so foul, so filthy.

We hear the "God Loves You" phrase so often that it becomes so hackeyed and it so quickly loses its spiritual touch of reality, it becomes auto-textbook, just-microsoft-text-words knowledge.

Can we say it with tears of gratitude in out hearts, spirits and eyes?

I have to admit that more often than so, it's merely a 3 worded phrase to me.

But then at times, i feel as though my mind is brought to a different level and i see the hugeness of God and that He really does have such an omnipotent presence and a vast unlimited capacity to embrace every single living thing that exists.

It doesn't matter whether WHO we are, or WHAT you have done.

When Jesus was on Earth as a man, he mixed around with the lowest of society, the tax collectors, the prostitutes, the adultress, all the very people we'd get (a bit?) uncomfortable around. The sick in the mind, the leprosy ridden, the lame, the blind...
Liars. At some point, we all do lie right?

Despite all that. He loves you and His heart aches for you to know Him.

We wouldn't need God if we were all perfect.

For Him to be your Father.
A Father to those whose Earthly daddy no longer lives, or to be a Father to those whose daddy who is incapable of being one, or to be a Father to those whose daddys have gone off astray.

*** ***

Because i am not that, oh-i-neeeeeeed-you-every-moment sort of person, i find it hard to fathom why some people think about their significant others something like, every second, or well, almost every second of the day.

My sister and i were just talking about how we aren't the kind of girls who need to meet the boyfriend (in this case, a very fictional character for the both of us at this point) often within a week, or even spend long hours together in a day.

As for questioning the girls' point of view, we were wondering whether it is due to a to need to feel identification by virtue of "i am so-and-so's girlfriend".

Or is it just plain neediness. "I feel lonely without you by my side... I need your company, without you i feel empty. Your presence is what i need!!!!!!"
(this is not in said in a general sense which is about when man finds woman. It's about the physical company.)

This, i just cannot fathom.

I can understand the "i love your company" bit, but it is only till there that i can identify.
But i don't get it when one has to feel like one has to spend every spare moment with the other.

Even if i do have feelings for or love someone, i definitely won't want to see him everyday, every moment, hear from him every hour...

It only serves to make me feel caged, watched, stifled.
Sometimes it might feel like i'm being put on a pedestral... Which honestly can be nice sometimes but if too often, will make me feel like conking the guy on the head to knock him out for a bit, while i go take a breather.

Makes me want to go run across the open grasslands of England, skydive or something, ya know?

As for the guys' side, what do you think? How do you feel about this?
If you are the type who needs your girlfriend's company (or imagine one up) every chance you get, why's that so?

My sister says that next time, i am going to have to work out some schedule or timetable with my husband.


*** ***

Now that it's time for me to mug, i am wondering if i put too much stress on myself, which is one reason why i think i don't do as well as i hope for, despite putting so much effort into my work.

I always try to read up as much as i can beforehand by beating the schedule, try to do my assignments before they are due, get worried, slightly frustrated and guilty when i am not being productive.

Are these signs of some sort of workaholic disorder or somesuch.

Other times, I get stressed and i wonder if it's because,

1. the amount of work i put in is too much. OR,
2. i am doing too little and because of my inability to achieve as much, i find that i feel incapable of being as smart as i wish i could be.

Urgh.

I wonder if i take parental expectations a little too far, maybe even to the point of distortion? (ok, that's an iffy)
Such that i think i'm creating my own problems to weigh me down.

Bah.

I love what i'm studying, but i hate all the reading that has to be done.
Maybe i shouldn't stick around at home. It's not a healthy place to be.

You don't want to create negative contingents.
Home=study,
Study=reading
Reading=don't like=bad emotions
therefore,
Home=bad emotions, so,
Home=Bad emotions=unhappy and unhealthy.

Eeek, did i just type that out! ARGH! Manifestation! NO! CANNOT, must psycho self positively.

Okok, out.

Till Then.
*Stop obsessing jo. And you're not going to feel happy if you don't hit the gym like, NOW.*

Bluetooth Happy

More sunset rays


While on the way home, i stopped by the corridor and looked out and yet again couldn't let this one go. I am getting trigger happy... Now that the bluetooth dongle lets me share photos! But hey, doesn't cost me a cent to feel fulfilled inside when it comes to admiring the beauty of nature and sharing it with anyone who can appreciate it too.


Vertical version. Figured i could get more sky, which turns out to be just... grey.


Took this one at Paya Lebar. I looked on to my left and immediately fell in love with what i saw. Swooooosh! SNAP! Thank God for digicams and for bringing it that day.


*** ***

I spent a day out in town yesterday and when it came close to going home, i realized what a homebody type i am. Sure, i like to venture out but i will ALWAYS long for home at the end of it all.
Guess i'm not cut out to be a backpacker.

Speaking of backpacking, i kind of like the idea of travelling around with my well stocked backpack as well as my loving partner bounding faithfully beside me.
(hohoho, sounds just like a happy retriever!)

ANYWAY, i DO MEAN a human being.

No, no, don't think amazing race!
We might just kill each other, but then again, we might end up loving/understanding each other more despite going crazy bonkers or well... remaining perpetually PMS-y, though i doubt any normal man will be able live with it...
and live a long life, for the record.

Especially so, if it is dished out by me. I am a terror! *ROARRRR!!!*

But of course, if he does, he is for keeps forever!

Funny how i used to be able to stay at home for days in a row without feeling the need to go see the outside world... ok fine, apart from the supermarket downstairs.

Now? Gee. I need fresh air, if not, at least something to keep me very very busy.
Ok, but i guess i will be coerced into remaining at home from now on.

Fine by me. My mugging engine is going at almost full throttle. Better make good use of it.

Visited the library yesterday too to look for brain food, but was sorely disappointed, having only found ONE SKINNY BOOK by ONE AUTHOR OUT OF THREE AUTHORS of books i was hoping to find.

*pout*

Argh! OK! Don't puke your dinner out! I'm sorry, i'm sorry, i can't pout adorably.
Bah.
Such are the sorrows of looking chronically nerdy.

Anyway, i managed to obtain TWO Paulo Coelho's books, none of which i've read before so i am a very happy girl.
A very happy nerdy girl.

Jo navigates her way around the library... keeping her head up to look for the fiction section.
She drools mentally as she draws nearer and nearer to finding the sirname of one of her favourite authors.

"COELHO! PAULO!" she finally spies!
Spots TWO BOOKS by him.
With her heart beating at 400 beats/min, she thinks,
"I WANT! GIMME!"

Then she thinks in a more civil manner. "What if someone else comes looking to?"

... ... ... ...

As much as i felt it was my duty to not deprive someone of the same pleasure, i thought, "Look, what kind of rules are those? Sigh. I've been looking and i think i want them too much to let it go."

So there. I took both home. So now my sole responsibility is to finish them ASAP.
As with the 2 other Christian books i promised to read ASAP too.

Garbled too much already eh.

Till Then.
*My life... Rededicated."

Behold... the power of...

The sun was REALLY all red. But it doesn't show up here.


Gorgeous sun rays


Cell's ECP outing. Pretty photo right?


Now, isn't this nice? *beam* Ok, this is one example of a Beautiful Horror.



the Sony Ericsson k700i!!!

YES! I was shocked myself too when i realized that my little handy device could actually take photos of this kind of caliber. It's not PERFECT, but i never thought the photos could have the potential to look this good.

*fwah!*

And yes, i am a happy girl. I finally got my bluetooth dongle/adaptor. Yes, you didn't hear incorrectly, the technophobe has done it again!

Ok, i know it isn't a big deal but i am glad i had the motivation enough to get this, so i am now envisioning the possibilities.

Think i'll be back a little later.

mmpf.

I came very close to splitting one of my beautiful new arrows. *screams*

So close, that the black carbon colour of the incoming arrow got rubbed off on the other arrow's white fletching. *shiver*

There were a few other close shaves when arrows landed right next to each other, shaft against shaft. Scary.

There would be this "ka-chack" sound and you think, "ah. shoot, i am not liking that sound..."

But that aside, some were oxymorony: beautiful horrors. *smile*
Once i get my bluetooth adaptor/dogle, you shall see what i mean.

I have yet again opened another all-in-one ugly cut and bruise on my left arm with my bowstring. It's purple and gross but fascinating to look at.
Morbid i know. Heh.

My left arm, the part around the inner elbow, is riddled with scars.

It's all part of the game. Learning, practicing, getting whacked, learn somemore, workout, get stronger, make changes, etc.

I love archery.

*** ***

I went and got myself involved in our church's tertiary camp planning as a committee member. I am in charge of publicity and leisure. *round eyes*

Everyone, LAUGH!

Not too long ago, i was complaining about how i felt so different and left out. I still feel that way, but i've decided that i will bite the bullet, shelve my shyness, and garang da garang go out and make my presence known and help out in ways i can and so ultimately get to know the people in church more.
And hopefully, live a life of fruitfulness, not just for myself, but for the body of Christ.

Bracing myself for a super PR pushing time. Go Jo.

*** ***

NUS archery tournament coming up! To join or not to...? 70m ok... sure die one.
But neh mind, join for fun lor. Shoot for fun.
At 70m, who can see? Except for those with the binos.

Maybe later.
Horizontal meditation device is calling, beckoning, whispering to me with such enchanting tenderness that i am going to go slump in it and call it a day.

Mulls.

*Replies're in the usual places. :-)

*

From now on, i will be saving a few dollars because of the termination of that silly toto service and BBRR thingy that a certain phone service provider offers.
Useless things, i tell you. The lot continue to charge you till you've decided that you've had enough.

Gee, things are never as wonderful as you see on the surface. It's money all around. Bah.

Looks like my holidays are drawing to a close, now that the collection of course materials, aka textbooks, will be trawled in.
I have to say a huge thank you in advance to a kind soul with the 4 wheels.
THANK YOU!

I remember that during last year's book collection, i had to go all by my lonesome to school and back home, with 4 UNforgiving "sacks" of books and CD and VCDs. To compound the adventure, it had to rain like nobody's business.

As a result, i had vowed that the next time round, i'd rent an uncle and his lorry to bring me home.

So, now you see how thankful i am, though i do honestly feel that i can (i think) manage.
Nevertheless, thanks. :-D

I am feeling positive about this year's modules because they both sound mighty interesting. Ok, maybe on the surface, but hey, i am up for the challenge.
WOo!
Child Development and Cognitive Psychology.

Sounds little but since both courses run throughout the year, they are going to go in pretty deep, i think. More on that once i get to devour the books tomorrow.

(ok, that was way too positive, but hey, i have to get into this reading frame of mind eh? Encourage self..., encourage self... I must come up with a personal mantra.)

*

I am still in the midst of trying to figure out what to do. And how to do it tactfully. And soon.

Is my heart unable to love fully and truly now since it has been punctured, torn and scarred once?
Feels like it.

Or perhaps i just haven't come face to face with whatever that REALLY makes me tick.
Maybe i have become harder to please now. I think that's true. *nods to self*
Yes.

What to DO? What to dooo...?

I cannot let this drag on, it does no one no good.

My studies takes precedence over everything now. I think that even if the Tick Inducer comes along right about now or anytime when my studies is at a crucial point, he's going to have to wait till i get my paper.

I cannot live through another, "STUDIES COME FIRST, DROP THIS NOW! OR ELSE!" and live under the bondage of fear through my years in school. No, no. No way.

*** ***

In the meantime, i need to decide on what EXACTLY it is that i want to do in life. For life.

Right now, these are what i have in mind:
- Policewoman
- Psychologist in the Psychological Unit
- Paramedic in the SCDF
- Teacher.

It's going to be a journey of discovery as i continue with my studies.

You know, ever since that day when i saw 2 civil defence vans zoom by, i had it in my head that i wanted to be a paramedic sometime.
And more so when i came across this SCDF brochure not long after.

About a day ago too, i witnessed a minor-ish car accident unfold right before me. (no accident is pleasant but at least no one was hurt. The only vehicle involved was the accident vehicle)

Feeling the need to run over to help, i went over to see what i could do. Thank goodness no one was hurt.

Apparently, this lorry-like thing was braking as it tried to stop at the traffic light. As a result, it skidded, swerved sideways and toppled over to its side. Mounted a bit of the curb. But there was no pedestrian walkway, so, thank God.

Quite a dramatic sight, i must say.

The thing that struck me was, you never know when something so simple, so ordinary, can turn into something a lot more devastating.
I was just reflecting upon how the lorry, ok, people, got itself/themselves into its predicament and realized that, gee.

All it was trying to do was, BRAKE.
It wasn't as if the lorry was going at a breakneck kind of speed. It looked pretty normal enough.

And just by doing something as simple and normal as braking, you can get yourself into a fix and potentially die.

In other words, things can happen so unpredictably. A simple act/occurence can turn out to be deadly.

So if let's say someone takes a walk along a walkway parallel to the road with his back facing the forward flow of traffic, if some car decides to go berserk, then...
Sayoonara Sir.

It's like how those few people got killed just because they were standing at the traffic light along the road, or, just because they were standing at the bus stop.

!!!

Something so mundane, can turn out so fatal when some freak turn of event happens.

We can die, any time.

Have you found what your life is about?

Oh yes, so i was saying...
What do i want to be when i graduate. I honestly don't know which i will incline towards to now. But i will, when the time draws nearer.

Or when God shows me the path which i must take. Be it something totally and radically different.

Why these few jobs? I think i'll talk about that the next time around.

Till Then.
*Politics is my worst enemy. -Cringe-*

Feeling: foul

DAVID LANZ WILL BE IN SINGAPORE NEXT WEEK!

JO, GO AND BUY THOSE TICKETS YOU PROCRASTINATOR!

*** ***


I need to read. I'd like to read.
But ever since the advent of "to pass you jolly well need to read", i have ceased reading even as a pastime since i would've had enough from the textbooks.

I lack the patience to read and i no longer find joy in relishing a good plot printed on bound dead trees.
I see no need to entertain myself with a book.

Instead of being the joy it once was to me, once upon a donkey's time, it has become a pain.

BUT I NEED THE INTELLECTUAL INPUT!
I don't just need it, i WANT it. But the irony is, i don't like it.

*bangs head on the wall*

And my engrish is hor, going down the kichi dark hole.

I realize that it has become more difficult to articulate my thoughts, my feelings. I dismiss the effort being simply saying, "aiya, dunno how to say." when i could've jolly well done so, long before this intellectual slump.

My standard of english has deteriorated (did i spell that right? this is miserably pathetic) to such a sad low level, too low for someone of my age. I wanted to say "caliber" as well, but even that, is a bleeding joke now.
Caliber? WHAT CALIBER?

It is not just my language, but also my attitude towards a task or challenge. I no longer want to lead, i no longer want to seize the bull by the horns.
I seem to have become a lazy thing of some lame existence.

I seem to have no drive, no will to summon effort towards completion or perfection. Whatever.

This has got to change. I have got to be more diligent. Get back the old spirit.

NEED TO exercise this languishing grey matter.

Does anyone have any good stuff to recommend to this 7-year-old-brained-20-year-old?

Till Then.
*BBDC, the flu bug and a particular "friend" made a VERY nasty, nasty, nasty girl out of me today. -flashes fangs and unsheathes claws- *

The last few days were.

All righty~!

I had an eventful long weekend. Not that it would be of much interest i guess but yeah, woohoo! I had fun.
Briefly...

In celebration of two of our cell members' birthdays, we held a bbq at my place on thursday and although it was a little messy-ish here and there, still, with the right attitude, the atmosphere was one of good spirited fellowship. Lurrvely.

Some mates stayed over at my place overnight, and then we made our way to the coast the next morning. I have to say that the weather has recently been absolutely freaking beautiful and i think i need to make the last ditch effort to make the best of it. School's starting the minute i get my textbooks. Which is... this coming week.

I've to admit that i don't quite know the people in my cell very personally. But yet.

A group of people put together by circumstance, somehow accept each other as we are, look after one another and in the midst of it all, have loads of fun together.

But there is one thing we all share in common, that is, we are all bound together by one belief, one God, one Saviour, one Great Love.

On two army groundsheets, we sat around and played card games (very enjoyable screaming away), had lunch and chitty chatted. Following which, we (very surprisingly, the people who don't know how to blade much, and that includes me) decided to take the plunge and go rent blades.

I didn't think we'd last that long, but once we started, we couldn't stop! While other bladers glided by us at the beginners' corner, we tottered about trying to grasp the basics of blading straight, turning and stopping.
Loved it! My cell leader's the pro among us so well, he beelined off somewhere else after teaching a friend, a total freshie, how to blade.

My cell mates are a pleasure to be with. ALthough ok, at times come instances when the talk exhausts, leaving either one wondering if the conversation should or could proceed on to a deeper more personal level.

One thing i have a problem with is, being Christians and all that, the cell people seem to always "act" in this "nice person, kind person" way, such that i can never really see their true colours. Or tell what kind of person they are, or analyze their characters/personalities.

Everyone seems to be on their best behaviour such that everything seems a little too neat... Like, Pleasantville or something.

I know that we should all aspire to be like Christ in thought, deed and speech.
But then, it becomes too perfectly shaped, casted, moulded.

I don't know about you, but that seems like a very strange thing to say, i realize.
*raises brow*

Although I suppose it makes life more pleasant, provides a more accepting and warm atmosphere, i really do wonder, what's beyond all that.
Who are they really?
Stop the visage.

That said, i'd rather bask in a warm, friendly, nice, genuinely-trying-to-be-like-Christ embrace from God's people, than receive an unaccepting and hypocritical thorned embrace.

On saturday, our cell did ushering for the first time and it was a very interesting job. I liked the fact that i had a lanyard hanging around my neck with a nice bright "USHER" label inside.
I felt like i was someone important, with a duty to carry out. Heehee...
Not all ushers get it good, but at least, i had fun giving out welcome packs to newcomers and making sure the offering bag gets passed around right.

HAH!

And on sunday... My club had a mini competition, a fun/novelty shoot for just our members. 18 people took part, most being new members in the archery scene. Haha.
Well, it costs each person $10 to participate. And i grin... because...

I didn't just get my cash back, but also made a profit... *grin*
Ok, ok, 5th placing la. But that, TRUST ME, does not mean a thing.

I didn't do it alone of course. :-) Thanks doode! (if you are reading this, now that you made the discovery. hoho.)

I am a happy camper.
Eh, archer, i mean.

I want to befriend our new and younger pool of archers. I know how it feels to be left out from the in-group, in this case, the "veteran" archers. I know how it feels to look on with longing, hoping to be "one of the guys". To laugh along, smile along, WITH the group and not smile sadly inside.
So, i want to reach out to them and let them feel integrated and feel welcomed.

Glad to say that i managed to talk briefly to a few of them.
And i get so EXCITED, when i think about forming our own ACS (Archery Club of Singapore) Youth Team.
So that the next time a national competition comes around, we can all arrive in style and in one united group!

Unlike the pathetic time that ACS sent just the 3 of us (2 compound archers and 1 recurve) to the National Shoot last december.

*** ***

It's been a little tricky around here lately and it's all my fault. I am going to need to cut off some areas in my life, and end the complications for good. It don't do no one no good, nor meself any.

I need to sit down and search myself, ask God.

I freak at the first implication of getting into a relationship. When can i be free from this bondage?
I think i will be, once my parents stop being so uptight about me being with someone of the other gender.
With that gone, i think i would be more receptive towards relationships.

Aside from that, i need to deal with my own fear, my own insecurities, my own self consciousness, my own pride, my own faults.

When will someone truly sweep me over?

It's been a while since the last time. And i definitely haven't been bowled over just yet.

...... Though, there is this lovely lovely line that touched my ears and heart recently. :-) *swoon*

You know? I think every guy should GO BUY A BOOK ON MANNERS.
ON HOW TO TREAT A GIRL AND HOW TO LEAVE A GOOD IMPRESSION ON HER PARENTS.

To be fair, i admit that i am not an expert at manners myself and i have more to learn and perfect too.

But well, this i must say.... Good, traditional, gentlemanly, manners and the all important Parental Approval are sure BIGGIES!

Till Then.
*i don't want to bust my new arrows. :-(*

My pweety new arrows *beam* I wuv you.

The arrow shaft. Model: Easton SuperLite A/C/C


Nock end: Where you insert the bowstring.


Ruby coloured nocks and white fletches.


*** ***

Pictures first. Talk later.

Yay. Getting new arrows today.

1.
I've discovered and yet again reinforced something about myself that i've known since i was a primary school going kid.
"Creativity" flows a lot better when i am working under pressure.

2.
There's something about Lush 99.5.
When in my room, i can never get down to doing what i need to.
Too busy jiggying to the music.

When i'm out, i end up walking (sometimes attempting the catwalk) to the music, oblivious to the whole world who probably thinks i'm fresh out from the IMH for good behaviour.

feeling: goodish.

Blue, is the colour of her eyes.
So pure, so innocent, so clear, so fresh.
Imperfection? Not an atom.
Each gaze finds you lost in their very depths.
Her eyes, are windows into the Universe.

When the sun sets, her blue darkens, deepens yet.
Somber.
Still yet, her eyes twinkle.
They sparkle, every moment an enchantment to the beholder.

She is her own.
Yet, she belongs to the world.

*** ***

Touch.

1. Awful at first. But once you know the reason behind it, it becomes friendly, almost normal. Something even likeable.
It feels so natural, so comfortable. Like jigsaw pieces that fit together snugly.
But nothing tingly.

2. Intoxicating. Tingly. Exciting.

Is the difference determined by the kind of love one receives(or perceives to receive) OR, is it determined by the kind of love one(him/her) feels?

*** ***

Met up with a couple of secondary school friends. I've not seen one of them in yonks.
Had a great time with them, munching junk food (Though i ate most of it. There goes my initial gym session.) and catching up with them as well as getting the latest scoop on other friends.

Isn't it a beautiful thing to be in the company of friends whom you've known for years?
Seeing their familiar faces, hearing their familiar voices, seeing the familiar crinkling of their faces when we all laugh together.
Sniggering at their quips, that makes them, THEM.

Thank you Lord... For blessing me with them. :-)

*** ***

I'm leading worship tomorrow for cell group. ARRGGH! *look of immense fear*
Not that it's a bad thing but...

It'll be my first ever time that i am actually playing for a group of people to sing praise and worship songs and, to top it off, i have TO LEAD in WORSHIP. (ie., begin the praise and worship session with prayer, pray during worship, make the music and close the worship time with a prayer.)

Hello? Me?

*eep* *gulp*

I know... that i shouldn't do it in my on strength. But i should be open to the Holy Spirit's leading.
It's just that, i've never done anything like this, so i'm totally clueless.

Never mind.

Let's see what the Lord has in store, shall we.

Till Then.
*Greater are His thoughts, and His plans. In Him, i will trust.*

Wee!

You Are a Rottweiler Puppy

Powerful, smart, and protective. You're eager to growl at anyone you hate - but you're a big sweetheart inside.

What Breed of Puppy Are You?

I have grey fingers.

My very lame attempt at sneaking a cake home without the birthday girl knowing. Sigh.
AS usual, the cake is now half alive. Same fate as with anything else that is entrusted into my care.

My friend says i have grey fingers.

I have come to believe it.

1. Trooped off like some commando king to CMT to buy a birthday present and collect the birthday cake. On the pretext that... "I am going out".

2. Brings it home, a la joline style. (a bit too chor lor for an innocent little baby cake)

3. Upon approaching home, stuffs cake into bag and carries it into home. Vertically. To avoid being seen with it.

4. Gets home only to realize that cake and box COULD NOT FIT into ICE BAG.

*PANIC*

5. Scrambled around the kitchen looking for a good container: One that fits the cake and that fits into ice bag.

*while doing so, i have to admit i was chanting certain promises... and chanting "grant me Godspeed!"*

6. Found the prized container but it was being used.

7. Hurriedly emptied it of existing contents and... (now, joline is very gleeful finally) but...

8. Quickly opens the cake box, to discover, to my absolute freaking horror that the cake had slid to one side of the box and the strawberries were embedded in all the wrong places. And there was cream everywhere.

7. Screamed mentally.

8. Thinks, thinks.

9. Takes frying ladle and a big spoon. Scoops the well, cake, or this "thing" that is now the shadow of its former... self, into the container.

10. A length of cream gets shaved off while the cake, or well, the thing that barely resembles one, slid into the container.

11. Goes, "YIPPEE!!!" mentally.

12. Quickly washes utensils of all cream, clears up any evidence of cake and dashes upstairs with cake in container.

13. Grabbed ice packs in preparation for storage till tonight...

14. In my dressing table drawer. (Yes, you read that right. HEY! i lined it with newspaper ok!)

15. Shoves ice into ice bag with cake.

16. Realizes that the complete ensemble couldn't fit into the drawer.

*PANIC!*

17. Eyes darted around to find a bigger drawer and finally rested upon study table drawer.

18. Quickly empties out contents and does the necessary adjustments.

19. and... WALA!

I've got a makeshift fridge!

All done in total secrecy without being found out!
And mind you... Birthday Girl was a few paces away from the kitchen can.
THANK YOU LORD!

GO ME TOO!

Problem is... I'm going out tonight and no one's going to keep watch over it for me.
HOW?!

*** ***

I hate the word "chio bu". If i ever use that slimy word in any instance other than
in jest, PLEASE SLAP ME.

It's coarse and sounds mighty degrading for a decent female.

Might pop by later, or might not.

Hm.

I wonder what made me become so cynical even before i ever got involved with anyone.

What on Earth happened to me while i was a pink hairless blob cum money sucking organism?

Anyway.
The cynic is thinking: Would you question the depth of someone's feelings especially when he/she tends to like a different person every few months?

How can you trust?

Or is my usual "demanding and full of idealistic views to do with love" nature acting up again.

How am i any different from all those other girls?

I am available! (to help!)

Call me insane but...

I know i haven't got much time left before school starts, but i have been toying with the idea of being a volunteer for the mercy relief operations.

And so i go through the list of the kinds of people they need over there at Aceh and stuff. But sadly.

I am no doctor, no nurse, no driver, no translator, no psychologist/psychiatrist (yet)...

I feel so helpless, physically.
I realize that all i can do is, 1. PRAY, 2. DONATE, 3. Go PACK STUFF for the people.

Sure brings in memories of the missions preparation. During then, I didn't last very long where i was suppose to re-pack items into boxes. I instead did a lot better handling food to sell so that we could raise funds.
Though, i couldn't do the Ra-Ra thing. [I quote an original jingle (hohoho): "buy our fried rice! Very nice! Some people come back twice!"]

I left the ra-ra-ing for the more enthusiastic and outgoing youngster.

For once, i kick myself for not knowing how to DRIVE!

*grrrr*

I shall hop away for now.

As for volunteering...
God shall guide my footsteps.

BAH!

I still want to be a policewoman.

*** ***

Anyway, On a completely different note.

$#%$%^%$&^%*^%&#^%$#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THIS TO ME?!

MAKE UP YOUR MIND!
ARGH!

THE TORTURE.

SHEESH. NOW I JUST HAVE TO GET USED TO THE FACT AGAIN. AGAIN!

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

JOLINE, YOU ARE A SENSELESS FROG.
WHY CAN'T YOU USE YOUR BRAIN FOR ONCE AND CUT OFF YOUR EMOTIONS.

I need to be strong, I need to be strong, I need to be strong!

It's wrong to want to **** ********* just because i am weak at this point.
(no, it's NOT take marijuana)

I must be strong. I've done this before.
Now do it again, i say.

Just because of one miserable person, you reel each time something happens over yonder.
Wake up your idea WOMAN!

*SMACK!*

Dilemma. And don't expect it to be coherent.

I am suppose to head down to the gym as usual to meet up with the team for the weekly workout. I know that there's some, if not, just teeny tiny bit of expectation and such over yonder.

I haven't been shooting for a month, neither have i joined the team for gym workouts, though i do gym by myself, following coach's instructions.

But i am thinking. Is it really worth it anymore? There was a time that i would go all ahead with it, no matter what it took.

And i have come to a point where i am considering dropping the idea of joining the
archery team entirely.

The SEA Games is at the end of this year. Coach had plans, hence, me.

But all that had come to naught because of a whole series of events last year.
If not for all that nonsense, i think i would be happily training already for the Games. (IF and only IF the compound bow event is restored again)

But...

First up, i have my academic committment, which is number one, or you could say, on par with God, or serving in church (music ministry).

I know that there ARE people who can handle doing a whole array of activities, but knowing my own capabilities, i have to humble myself and agree that i am not one of those super achievers.

As much as i wish to tell myself otherwise.

I am going to apply for a transfer of program to do my straight honours in SIM. I've decided that i am just going to chiong all the way, whether or not i just get a merit(or whatever you call it, for the life of me i can't remember), third, second lower/upper or first class honours, it doesn't matter anymore.

But naturally, i aim to do all i can to achieve what i can, whatever that is within my capability, with God in the picture, of course.
That means that i am so going to have to put in that extra amount to see myself get those grades i want, and that coveted classification.

Then again, i am also going to apply into NTU this year to see if i can get a place in the new psychology course they'll be offering. I know i've a very slim chance but a chance not taken, is a 100% lost. Versus, if you try anyway.
So, why worry? Just do it.

Doesn't really matter, at this juncture, whether i get a place or not. I am trying not to hope too much or visualize myself there.

Because, it is God's decision, His Will that i abide by. Where He puts me, will be for the best.

However, if i do get in, that means more time invested into school, and less time for extra stuff, like comepetitive archery.
Though, recreational archer, i will remain.

Secondly, I have also made a committment to serve in church as a musician. Not a full fledged one, as i'm going to start off training first, going for lessons, learning from existing bands.

It's not just about making or playing music, but it's a ministry in itself. THere is a level of committment with my time as well.
We will be meeting up for prayer and things, growing in the spirit together.
Very much like a cell group setting.

There's also my family, my friends.

But you see, i can't have everything. I have to make sacrifices. If i really want to join the team, i have to train, show my face, give up some of the things i want, for a dream, just for the dream, to really happen.

Am i willing to make those sacrifices? What do i need to carve off? What CAN i carve off?
What DO I HAVE that is all right to shed?

It has always been my dream to represent my country in something. OBVIOUSLY, i cannot do anything that requires super brain power like some certain Physics King we ACJC people from my batch would know of.

No, no. I am not the academically inclined sort.

So, when i was given the opportunity, doing the sport i love, no less, i jumped at it, only to be stopped by some internal problems.

So, weigh, weigh, weigh, the situation, i must.

For now, i just have to decide whether... i should be down at Bishan.
Bah.

Till Then.
*chin cupped in palms. think think.*

Snippets.

Why i am not ready to have children. OR,
Why you should never leave your children with me, for even a minute.

At the Gym.

Child recklessly playing (but not severely) with the NAUTILUS weights (that i love) while his mother looks on.

Me: (watches him for a moment before turning to his mom)
I think you shouldn't let him play with the weights, he might spoil them.
Mother: Yeah, i know... RYAN!!!

Sigh. I should've said, "I think you shouldn't let him play with the weights, he might hurt himself."

Do you see how selfish i am? How unaware of the real dangers? I felt so bad after i blurted it out to her.
Stupid Joline.

*** ***

It can't be coincidence. After the morning's devotion, i turned on the computer onto msn. And lo and behold.
Someone i've not seen on msn, IN AGES, EONS, YONKS, was actually online.
I have not seen this person in months and months, in person and online.
It was too coincidental to absorb at that point.

So, what's the big deal, you ask?
This person was the subject of prayer just that few moments ago.
Apparently, this person just came into mind and it was the first time, in a long while that i decided to come out from this uneasiness about this person, and pray about it.

I am still unsure as to whether i should take that step forward.

*** ***

It is my hope, that, in this time of calamity in the tsunami affected areas, God's Hand will be seen, that His Love will come like a gentle wind to those in need.

In this time, when the people need Hope, God will be the one they seek and that He will draw them close to Himself.

What better time than now, for bad to be turned to good, for His purpose?
When the people have nothing, no one?
They are now free to start on a clean slate.

This is our prayer. Our cry.
Oh Lord, your Will be done.

Till Then.
*The day begins*

And a Smashing Noo Yah too Yoo!

So here i am, at home with all of my family (quite surprisingly really) on new year’s eve. Usually, my sister would be out partying and me, well, judging by the number of times i’ve been out lately, i should’ve been out again today.
but everyone’s home and the feeling is goody goody good.

i just love the notion that special days are reserved just for family. Well, actually, i don’t really think new year’s eve/day is spectacularly special, but i guess it’s just significant enough.

nice, i love being home with everyone around me. While a good portion of Singapore is out, i am nuaing at home, comfy, smelling nice and feeling nice. *grins inwardly*

Well, as usual, i have nothing intelligent to say. ok, i do have a few posts saved here and there but right now, i don’t particularly feel like typing anything meaningful or with direction.

then again... i did want to get in my last post of 2004 in before the first second into 2005 passes by.

Yeah. The wireless internet connection is up but because my room’s the furthest from the access point, the connection is as fragile as a, as a... er, goldfish’s tail. yeah, goldfish tail.
no, butterfly wings.
yeah, that’s the one.

Well, before the year ends with that last second that is hopping up and down waiting his turn to come by, there are just a few things i want to say to everyone who’s been with me, through this year 2004.

What would my life have been without all of you? My precious friends, school mates, bloggers, martians, plutonians (i know you guys came by that night, don’t think i didn’t see you)

My life has been shaped, aided, lived, enjoyed, worth it, by the very fact that you’ve been here for me, in whichever way that you were. I just want all of you to know that, for all you’ve done, i THANK YOU.

In my eyes, you are:
Treasured, even if you don’t think you’re worth a dime,
Loved, even though you might’ve seriously considered murdering me,
Thought of, even though you might’ve forgotten me,
Special, even if you thought you never were.

You have made life bearable, made this person one happy soul. Words cannot describe how much my heart wishes to thank you for your time, your effort, your care, your attention, your FRIENDSHIP.

With much love and respect, joline wants to tell you that you have been the bestest in the whole wide world and she wishes with all her heart that in the coming year and the others to come, her friendship with you will grow stronger and deeper!

For once, (this is news) evil twin sister stopped her antagonistic attitude and nodded her head in agreement with very little coaxing.

Last but never never least,

THANK YOU GOD FOR BRINGING ME THROUGH THIS YEAR RELATIVELY UNSCATHED, WHO SUSTAINED ME DURING MY WEAKEST HOUR and WHO BROUGHT ME CLOSER TO HIMSELF.

*bow*

Till then.
*a post on current issues to come*

bah

keyboard lessons coming up.
church trainee band practices MAY be coming up.

my internet connection still not up.

:-(

setting up a new wireless in the house.

A BLESSED CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

Why is it that the guys who enter my life do this one thing that screws up whatever faith i want to have in them from the very beginning?

That thing is: trying to counsel a girl and then end up getting emotionally attached to her and having feelings for her. Wake up your idea lah, all of you. It just shows how .......

I needn't explain further.

*** ***

Anyway people, it's been so long since i've updated. i miss blogging a whole load! I haven't gotten my stuff done yet and am still loaning the laptop from my mommy who thankfully isn't quite computer savvy.
Hohoho.

I hope things have been ok with everyone. Are you doing ok?!?!?!??!??!

Gee. it's been crazy-busy these days. Because of Christmas, because of friends, because of presents and everything else, the works.

I cannot go into detail because this nut of a laptop is known to do stupid things if i just happen to press the 'delete' button in a certain way.

I need to get a bluetooth adaptor for my dinosaur age laptop.
I need to get my arrows. NEW arrows.
TJ?! COME OUT FROM THAT PLACE WILL YOU?! (haha)

All right, i have to go now. Massive present wrapping session is in order.

Till Then.
*Keep healthy and whole!*

*looks around*

A WORD OF THANKS TO ALL OF YOU WHO LEFT ME BIRTHDAY MESSAGES, COMMENTS, SMSES, AND EVERYTHING ELSE! THE DAY AND DAYS BEFORE AND AFTER WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SPECIAL IF NOT FOR ALL OF YOU WHO CARED ENOUGH TO GIVE UP OF YOUR TIME AND RESOURCES.
YOU MADE IT ALL HAPPEN. THANK YOU EVERYONE. GOD BLESS. :-))))

*** ***

Did someone chop off my fingers?

Well let's say that the internet connection in my room has been cut because this thingy, for lack of the real word, died on me. That leaves me with the option of snitching someone else's computer.
But someone else's computer isn't called someone else's computer for nothing. So hence the lack of blog posts.

Kinda saved one post in my newly purchased thumbdrive. WOW, thumbdrive in Jo's possession? That's new. Yes, i am a self professed technophobe but i AM trying ok.

I daren't type too long on this laptop because this one is known to pull stunts too. Haiya.

It's been busy since last thursday. Will talk about that soon once i've got things settled. It's nothing much for the reader to gawk over. It's just that i am feeling very blessed by everyone around me. :-) And i intend not to forget these things too quickly.

Gee, my sandles give my feet such a pong! *poooh*

Something interesting and totally unexpected has happened and i was taken aback for just that moment.
Strangely? Or by the grace of God? i am not really affected.
Thing is, the acid/litmus test will come only when that day (if it exists) arrives, which i am surprisingly not getting jittery about.

Is it really that i am ok now, or am i just in desensitized mode. I get that way sometimes. It's only when crunch time comes when i feel everything crash upon me.

Well, let it be, let it be. Que Sara Sara?

Christmas hits us again. I'm so not going to launch into another negative speech on Christmas and what society has made it. For now. (?)

I love YOU ALL.

Till Then.
*pictures are in order, once i get my system back up and running*

S....... (updated)

Your element is Fire: Strong, hot tempered,
powerful, and passionate. Well now lets see,
being fire you are quite strong and powerful,
people look up to you greatly and often seek
your protection. You have the ability to gain
many friends and you are always one people can
count on to do what you say you will do. You
are extremely loyal be it friends or family
you'll stick up for them and you are never
willing to put them in a position that could
hurt them. You know what roll you play in life,
leader, and you intend to let people know it.
Not everyone is capable of leadership but you
certainly have the willpower and flare to do
it. You have quite a temper if it shows itself,
one that can often lead you into trouble. Once
your mind is made up there is no changing it
but no one said that was a bad thing.


.:-What is your true element?-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla

Note: Quite true to an extent, methinks. But the words "powerful" is so funny! Unless you're talking about... arm strength. Heh heh heh.
What say you?

*** ***

(from pulling arrows out without my rubber grip)

1. Sores all over my palms.
check.
2. Blister or two on either hand.
check.

(from getting hit by the bow string)

1. Opened a fresh wound.
check.

And while meandering through the tight throng of archers, i poked a guy in his wonderful pectorals with my stabilizer. With much embarrassment from me.
*red face*

YOU TELL ME HOW TO SHOOT PROPERLY FOR THE COMPETITION TOMORROW?

PLUS!

MOST OF MY COMPOUND FEMALE COMPETITORS ARE FROM THE NATIONAL TEAM.
HOW ABOUT THAT?!

PLUS PLUS!

I'VE ONLY PRACTICED TWICE FOR THIS COMPETITION!

Can someone psycho me tonight?
My mental shape is bad.

I might just get a placing if my confounded arm would STOP SHAKING!

Saturday, 4:35pm

I'm not exactly elated with my scores of, round 1 -> 227 and round 2 -> 232 (perfect score is 300) for the qualifying rounds today.

But, when i rethink about it, considering i practiced a "grand total" of 6 to 7 hours for this competition (thanks or no thanks to the many times i've been out and NOT training), i guess it isn't all that bad.

It's bad, but not, TERRIBLE until cannot make it. I was afraid i couldn't even hit 200!

The national archers shooting with me were hitting 250+, 260+ and 271.

Hm, my first competition ever. I injured an arm muscle while helping to remove arrows.
*whine*

Another thing.

I think i might give up on the ever joining the national team.
Because the archery politics, and community in general, is really quite rotten.

But i also ask myself. Should i allow that to deter me?

Thing is, there's a very fine line between giving up something you love and avoiding trouble. And trouble does NOT only encompass trouble within the archery arena itself.

*bleah*

Feeling: a little depressed, for the inevitable end is near. (updated)

The air feels different, the atmosphere (not weather-wise) feels different, the mood that surrounds me is different.
It is the end of the year. It has arrived. It hardly feels it's time for december.

And although the end of it doesn't exactly hold much significance because this year wasn't particularly special, i still feel depressed over it.

No, no. Don't get me wrong. This year has definitely brought to light some rather interesting/special episodes.
The one thing that would add THEE strong value to it, is if i had to leave some wonderful people behind, because of the passing of a year/academic final year.
Which in this case, does not exist.

Emo Jo? Yuh. Perhaps.

Something just seems to be pulling at tugging at my heart. WHY?!??!
What is it, Heart? You got yourself a problem?
Or is there some sort of unfinished business that i've not dealt with?
Is there something i've been shoving away and not solving?

Perhaps it's just Emo Jo.

Oh Lord... In times like these, when i find no rest in myself or with myself, i can come to You in utmost helplessness, vulnerable all over.
You would take me in, in no matter what shape and state i am in.
When no one can give or offer, or are not in a position to soothe this intangible ache, i have my Lord God who understands me.

The end gives way to a new beginning. It's an endless cycle till the day we die.
Unless everyday is the same and the passing of years mean nothing to you.

*** ***

I was looking through my bank of digital photos and while glancing through, i was struck by a sad thought when i came across two photos.

I don’t know about you, but i guess to many, 21st birthdays are more significant than the others that came before.
Celebration of the arrival of official “adulthood”.

Gone, *poof!*, are the days of legitimate abhorrence of your parents and EVERYTHING, EVERYONE else.
Except that you may now fume at the Government more strongly than ever as, i guess, you can concentrate your resources where it counts. (eh?)

No, no, IGNORE ME. I am not speaking from a personal point of view.

Anyway, 21st birthdays sometimes warrant big parties, to medium-sized parties, to small gatherings to a family affair, to... a specialized area in the brain for anticipation and expectation, for memories, on that special day.

Isn’t it bittersweet when you celebrate your exclusive 21st birthday with a boyfriend/girlfriend, that you only break up with later on?

Sad, i say. *shakes head forlornly*

Looking through photos of your birthday would hotly arouse other memories you might otherwise not want to remember.
You see his/her arm around you, as the both of you stand behind your birthday cake, both smiling for a perfect picture.

Sad, i say.

Moral of the story?

- Don’t take pictures with your current partner on your 21st? Er. Quite impossible and stewpid right.

- Always take plenty of photos with OTHER people so that pictures of you and your partner are dispensable (in an event of a real break-up)? Eh... *rolls eyes*

- Uhm, how about just getting over the fella and rejoicing in the glory of being 21st. If there is any glory to be considered. Whatever suits your fancy. *shrugs*

No, i am NOT moping!
Just a thought that came in.

*** ***

A little testimony.

One night, i tossed in bed and my leg did this little insignificant twist and suddenly, this sharp pain shot up from my left foot and even up my calve.
It felt like something had been displaced within the foot itself and had elongated effects that led up my calve in a thin straight piercing line... the pain felt embedded under the muscles.
And the pain wasn’t something that could go away with massaging.

I was so freaked and kept my foot as still as possible but realized it was getting tiring holding it tense.
Thoughts that ran through my mind were:
How am i going to walk tomorrow morning? (well, today technically)

So, half asleep as i was, i decided to sit up in bed, lay my hand on my leg and pray.

After praying and trusting God for His healing, i decided to stretch out my leg and foot straight out. Not sure what made me do that despite the pain.
Lo and Behold. The pain disappeared into nothingness.

PRAISE GOD!


Till Then.
*i think photos are needed here soon. I shall upload some!*

Loved.

I feel so loved. :-)

This and this, that and that... Oh, how i feel SO THANKFUL TO everyone AND THANKFUL FOR everyone!
And THANKFUL TO GOD who put these awesome people into my little life.

Never in my 20 years have i felt this blessed by friends around this time of the year. No, it's not just about celebrating Christmas with me.

Well, that's if you don't count the time i had a party when i was in primary school. People were invited by the host. They didn't voluntarily do something for you.

That's what makes this altogether different.

Library Gang, i lub you gals.
I'm so thankful for what you guys did for me today.
But it's not just about today.
You gals have always been so precious to me... Even though i come across as an unappreciating squirt, you gals have been the pillars in my life and i appreciate each and every one of you. Very Much.

Like i've said before and i'll say it again.
I didn't exactly love the time i had in ACJC, but with you, life was bearable, life in ACJC had some meaning!
If i were ever given a shot at turning back the clock and changing things,
I. WOULDN'T. EVER.

Of course, not forgetting my other wonderful pillars! Not the library gang specifically but you know who you are.
You've also made life in ACJC worth it and the same pledge goes to you.
You make it impossible for me to think or wish to think, how life would be without you.

As for everyone else i've yet to mention but i can't because i'd just go on and on about seemingly ghostly beings because i'm not mentioning names,
I LOVE YOU TOO. And oh... how i thank God for your presence.

*** ***

How do i feel? I'm not sure. You can never be an equal match. So how does it work?
Yet, there's a tingle, something interesting.
Or is it only because there's too much glucose on your tongue.


Till Then.
*Trying to find it in me to blog about the past few days' happenings but it's been a little droughty around here*

snippet

Did a minor adjustment to my gym routine and so it seems that i am not aching so much and acutely today.
Now i am left with: Should i have done that? I feel like i've not done enough, know?

Heh, do you hear the "No Pain, No Gain" saying speaking out?

Looked in the mirror and discovered what gymming did for me and i am pleasantly surprised.
Not that it is really obvious to the man (errm, so to speak), on the street. But obvious enough for me to actually realize that i've gotten new muscle lines (when you flex) that show the muscle groups!

Interesting. I think i should up my gym training. Once a week isn't as beneficial as twice, which is what the team is doing.
Well, mostly.

The festive season and holidays...
When cash registers are noisier than usual and when all my pants look like there's a hole in place of where a pocket is suppose to be.

I have to run off again to the other side of the country. Again.

Till Then.
*I have a new toy.*

Talk is good.

I am having a chicken wing craving now. Dang, at 11:40pm.

SHOOT!

Anyway, this is all i have to say for now.

Intellectually in-sync and engaging conversations about things that matter are real turn ons.
While pointless and non stimulating conversations are seriously depressing and trying.

Maybe i'm the pointless one.

Till Then.
*Fill me*

*insert rolling eyed emoticon*

Been staving off blogging because, i have nothing interesting to say, no quirky ideas or memorable instances that are worth my attention.

Except that (on friday) i saw an elephant waddle into its pond, drop a few big yellow bombs into the already bacteria filled water and then proceeded to slump into the watery mass and wallowed around.
Yeah, complete with poop bobbing against the elephanty too.

Kinda like how in life, we create our own crap and then sit around in it.
Take it literally or figuratively. Whatever.

Oh, i was at the zoo on friday with a friend's mom's childcare centre children. I could go on forever about the time i had, but i think i'll just put down the most salient points to note.

Looking at the children, my heart just sang. It was like, obviously though, looking at little adults. Little humans. Bite sized little creatures with bright eyes and eager faces.
Innocence.
Little canvases open and clean to have things painted upon them.

God's gifts... Those little itty bitty children.

As a psychology student, i now begin to appreciate the dialogue i hear between children themselves. How they interact and communicate with words and gestures, what means what to them, how they construct meanings and ideas about the world around them.

They are such a joy to OBSERVE (not exactly look after, *groan*, unless you've got yourself an ANGEL).

Couldn't stop gushing over them as i watched them. I've NEVER felt this way about children.
Then again, maybe the lot i had around me were, yeah, mostly the sweeter, nicer ones.
About 4+years old.

Ha, and YES... i have my TWO favourites! This little japanese girl whom i've dubbed "My J-Pop Star" and another little Caucasian girl. Quiet little sweetie with lily fair skin, an oh-so-incredible-mega-watt-smile and crystal clear eyes!
Darlings!

Disclaimer: I am NOT A PAEDOPHILE.

*** ***

The Esplanade Roof Terrace. Yesterday. For the first time.
LOVEEED IT!
It helped that there was a beautiful clear night sky, with the full moon shining brightly upon us homosapiens and stars that speckled the black velvet cosmos.
And... ORION!
ORION!

What better way to spend time at the Esplanade than with someone who enjoys silence too.
Thanks dude!

*** ***

Oh hey, and i am going to be a trainee of sorts for my church's new band. (Band as in, Guitars [electric, acoustic], drums, synthesizer and keyboard)
Me, keyboardist.
Most pleased to serve my God with whatever... erm, i have. I'm not sure if they qualify as talents, but BLEAH.
If He wishes, He will provide!

*looks at the clock on the right corner*

GARN. Looks like a photoshooting stint is in order. Indoor range, here i come.

I need solitary time!

Ya know what?
Think i shall keep one week for myself.
I really NEED to stop running around the country for a bit and enjoy some joline time. Yes, being in the company of myself.

And i haven't accomplished any shopping yet. Garnn...
I need clothes.
My phone is dying. Slowly but surely.
I need a new scope.
Competition is coming up and what have i done?! Need more practice.

I'm glad it's been a busy holiday though i'll BET that the people behind the LTA are laughing as they count my money! MY MONEY!

For those of you whose emails i've not replied to, I'M VERY VERY VERY SORRY.

Till Then.
*You're all precious to me. Each and every one of you.*

zonked

The bbq on monday went pretty good. I actually enjoyed myself. (Wow, Jo enjoyed herself while being around people.) Could actually let loose a little, being my ditzy and active persona, which is by far the closest to my real self.

We played a prank on our birthday boy. It was hilarious! And it was so funny seeing him "attack" his girlfriend when he found out that she was in the prank as well.
*HAW HAW HAW HAW HAH WAH AW*

While everyone was feasting on the first round of bbq stuff, i realized that no one was cooking so i decided to do so. As a result, i got to eat just one of the chicken wings i *sort of* marinated (had a little help) last minute before i left for the bbq.

Well, i am most happy to serve others. So, it is not a problem anyway.
Besides, seeing food cook is actually quite a pleasure.
Hm, reminds me of food chemistry. Chemistry option paper.
The stupid thing that i studied only JUST before the paper began on the day itself.

The bbq fire was so freakin' hot that the metal button (above the zip) on my bermudas got heated up and was searing my skin!
*chuckle*

*** ***

Had a good work-out day yesterday (wed). Had about 30min of badminton in the afternoon, about 1hour+ of gym followed by more badminton in the evening. Heh.
A new part of me is aching now... hohoho. *GRIN*

My left triceps have healed well but my hamstrings are still experiencing a slight problem from the last gym session. I discovered that the muscles shortened! Trying my best to do some stretching exercises whenever i can.

Had a little dinner by the sea. AS IN, ON THE BEACH, WITH THE SEA A FEW METRES AWAY FROM ME. It was THAT THAT THAT BEAUTIFUL! I was SO IMPRESSED with the idea!
Pasta Fresca by East Coast.

Hey gals! What say you about a trip like that for dinner? It'll be awesome.

Went for a walk at Labrador Park. I know, I know. Kinda like a lover's place, it is.

Memories flooded my head when we (schoolmate and i) went over.
Memories of that sunset at that little balcony of sorts.
Memories of you.
And of course, memories of ACJC BAND!

We just walked the length of the Park, ventured onto the jetty. A still night it was.

If only i could be there for hours on end and with someone special. To sink into his embrace as we stare out to sea and watch the lights sparkle in the distance on the dark sea.
Uhm... *smile*

The expanse of sky was just... OH GLORY!

I conked out the second my head touched the pillow. Horizontal meditation went well and woke up aching! AH, the pain. Nice, nice.

Well, today calls for more up and running business. Golly Wolly, i am tired!
But, i can do it!

Till Then.
*Very seh* (add the nasal quality when you say that)

Spot me!

Sunday... at the ACS (Archery Club of Singapore) Indoor Range.
Using the Club's wooden riser recurve bow, with ancient Samick limbs. Hoohoo.
Maybe a photo of me and my compound bow would be coming up.

I am the fourth person from the left.
Only GIRL there ok, GIRL POWER.

Grabs her arrow...


And she draws the bow! Beware! I can de-man you! The nicest bow among us (at the shooting line) belongs to the second last guy. His own equipment.


And the release... Ah, and a perfect follow through! (Erm......) Anyway, guy with the nicer bow is not here.


Maybe later.
Going to the indoor range now for some business and training.
See you later, i hope.

Some things don't seem to end, does it. (skip, to spare yourself something sappy)

Alwyn:
Thanks for that bit of info there mate.
Let's up it a little.
What if the individuals had been apart for much more than just months?
Enough time for each of them to attempt to find love with other people.
Hm, say, 4 or 5 years, maybe more?

*** ***

Thoughts flow and emotions follow in hot pursuit.
Curses!
For being too investive.
For being too nostalgic.
For feeling so much.
For having such a... theatrical, full coloured, surround sound, movie-like enabled memory.

Why did it have to happen?
I look up into the serene blue sky of understanding. But all i can do is look?
I'm dangling on the rope, close to the opening, but hanging, in mid air over a long, deep, dank, dark hole.
I've come a long way.

I got pushed back in. But.
Conversely, i can struggle out again. Pull and grapple for freedom once again.
I should be able to do it.

But even then, what closure do i get for pulling myself out? For doing it myself?
Blue sky not so clear after all.

As you are human (you do possess feelings) as am i human as well (human flesh prone to weakness) i hope that there is some reason.
Be it a simple/rash/harmless/minutely tiny/polite reason...
A reason, would be nice.

I cannot ask you why. Who am i to you, to ask you why?
I cannot expect anything. Who am i to you, to expect anything?

I can only say how i feel here, knowing full well there's only a 0.0000000000001 chance that you'll see this.

Well, never mind.

In fact, i shouldn't be feeling teased.
I am fine, in control. Have always been for a while now.
There's no reason why i should not be the same, even now.
But... it's you i'm talking about.

I bet you don't feel the pain anymore. I doubt you do. It's been pretty clear.
Course, not that it's a bad thing. :-)

Being the fella i am, i feel too much for my own good over certain things.

Some things change and some things don't seem to end.

*** ***

Been a month after the exams and it hasn't stopped, though maybe, just maybe, signs of slowing is in order. WOOT!

Let's see. BBQ, archery clubhouse business and competition self-training, Gym, Badminton, meeting friend, church and archery.
That's my whole week, one day at a time, in summary.

I would've said "I don't know if i should laugh or cry".
But i guess, laughing is a better option.
May i add, hysterically.

I am chugging on, chugging on. Every day has an agenda.
In more ways than one. (?)

Till Then.
*off to the bbq. I HOPE, the chicken tastes like something decent*

Feeling... Emo.

Had a perfect ending to friday. After a long, smelly, bo liao-ish day at the indoor range, i STILL got to meet up with my treasured JC friends.
For reasons of privacy, who they are and information shall not be disclosed.

We had a great time despite the short meet up. (Quality, Quality!) Well, I wish it had lasted longer. But never mind, it was oh so good seeing them. It hardly feels as if 2 years have passed since we got out from ACJC.
I LOVE YOU GUYS.

I'm the sort that enjoys long and drawn out time spent with girl friends. I prefer spending a whole day with them without the need for any of us rushing off at a certain time to attend to something else.
The feeling of not wanting the precious day to end.

Suddenly feeling so happy yet sad. Happy for that wonderful indulgence in friendship but sadness that it ended so soon. As if, my life support system just got cut off.

*** ***

I've been hearing about this thing from a few friends lately, and i must say...
Hm, must be the season or something.

So, the question i shall ask is, "Can love between exes rekindle itself?"
(ok people! Stop moaning!)

Duh, ok, i suppose one of the most obvious answers that i think would be shot back at me would be, "Depends on the circumstances."
Circumstances encompasses about a gazillion things, and i shall so not bother about listing them down.

There's this pastor from my church who told us that when he was in secondary school, he saw THE girl and KNEW she was going to be HIS WOMAN. They dated but thing is, things didn't go right then.

They went their separate ways and had their other relationships.

But surprise surprise. God brought them back together and today, they are happily MARRIED.

So, he wasn't wrong after all eh?

Anyway, i've been slapping myself both mentally and physically recently. (yes, slapping physically is done in private at least. You don't believe? Then, you don't know me.)

Sometimes, i need to get a grip when my head runs off with my emotions. Cut those stupid thoughts on their tracks and tell self to WAKE UP.
I don't advocate doing it but it helps me refocus, nod mechanically and go back to who i am and where i am.

I feel so... :-(
Can anyone ever live up to it? Everyone is different and i cannot impose such standards on anyone, now can i?

It's 3am, i neeeeeeed to ramble but i am living at this point in constant fear of mommy/daddy thrusting my room door open and hissing at me to go to bed.
Following which, i would get a scolding the next morning.

I think my adrenalin is going to an all time high. Fear, fear!
Ok, shall go. Invisible hands are tearing me away from my perch in front of the laptop.

TIll Then.
*Dettol makes me smell like... Gleneagles*

keeps me happy.

Note: Haloscan has been acting strange lately.

*** ***

While pumping iron...

Archer guy: Is this your first gym day?
Jo: Yes...
Archer guy: When i had mine, i ached for 2 weeks!
Jo: ok...

I didn't believe him.
I'm aching pretty much all over now. It's only been one day but anyway... i don't forsee myself aching that long.
2 weeks?! No way.

Well, if you've spoken to me about work-out derived pain, you would know that i LIKE the pain.
The pain makes me feel good.

Crud. I'm returning to my old bad habit of sleeping late. Gotta scram. Perhaps more when i return.