I think my heart is a lot more partial to animals than to humans. *bites lower lip*

Take a look at this video where pet dog Leo, risked his life to protect 4 kittens when the house caught fire. I don't really know HOW he thought he could protect them, but he was with them in the burning house and even suffered smoke inhalation.

Quite NUTS, but it just blew my mind... And i teared.

sunglasses advertisement... Not.

Me in your Oakleys!
You in my Optic Nerve!

















Once the sem is over, golly boy, am i going to go all out to paint the beach red or what!
I don't know whether my fitness level can tahan or not since i haven't been running a whole lot recently but, I really want to go trail running/hiking, biking, beach-ing, just whack man!

I loved going through the east coast park connector network (about 40km), but i didn't really like the urban landscape too much in terms of the interruptions. But i did enjoy the sweat and grunt inducing gruelling moments when we had to carry our bikes up and down overhead bridges. Just be careful not to slip because that could get pretty ugly.

AH! Jia you to me!

I want. Can? :-)
i wuv Mythbusters.

Note: ok, i discovered that they don't ship stuff readily to Asia, and will need to make enquiries. Dangwabbit.

***

1 Group presentation: Teen Sex Education (40% done)
1 Essay: on either Mid Life Crisis or Juvenile Delinquency (not done)
1 Research Critique (not done)
1 Research Proposal (have not thought of a topic yet)
1 Essay: Comparing counselling theories (not done)
1 Intake interview (not done)
1 Set ppt slides: Case Conceptualization (sort of done)
1 Report: Ethics in Group Counselling (sort of done)

AIEEEE!!!
The funny thing is, i'm a lot calmer about all this WITH the approaching deadlines than when i first began my course with deadlines that were still far away. Denial, methinks.

This would be my silly dog Jed who conveniently plonked his whole little body onto my IMPORTANT school newspaper cuttings. And he's still all, "Wot? Wot did i do?"

Tomorrow's my convocation day. Got to admit that i wasn't too keen or serious about going for it, since i'll be going for yet another convo in 1 1/2 years time. But i guess... something compelled me to do so. Undergraduate convo is kinda like the first major milestone for the tertiary education folks. Granny (who was looking forward to this) and family (excluding my globetrotting sister) are going for the ceremony and the big makan, but it seems like no one else can come for the after-ceremony photo taking. How sad. Even Gem won't be around because of school.

Neh mind, i'll try asking nicely for everyone to come for my postgraduate convo in 1 1/2 years time. Like, would they still be free? I guess some of them should still be in NTU...

At least there's Grad Night on friday! We were told to come dressed as our favourite movie character. I procrastinated registering for the dinner because of that, but then my friend who's organising the event said that i didn't HAVE to... That's a good thing. Or else, i'd be dressed as a MAN... You know, because my favourite movie character is Neo from The Matrix?! Either that, a Jedi Knight from Star Wars. I don't think i would look very good beside my (male) date then...

I love Discovery Channel's Mythbusters!

They are a team of wacky, intelligent, technically adventurous geeks who get wind of myths and use their knowledge of science (physics, mechanics, yada, yada) to prove or disprove it. So, you either get: Busted, Confirmed, Plausible, as conclusions to their tests.

I REALLY hope that they keep the show going. The show is too precious!

Ok, imma geek when i wanna be. :-)

Father God has a lot of work to do in my heart...

I feel so ugly inside. Though others tell me otherwise, i know my faults better than anyone else and being human, i do what i do to look nice: Hide the faults. Cover it up by doing the exact opposite to repress them.

But the more i hide my faults, the uglier i know i am inside.

There is no point in making sure i look good on the outside week after week, when really, i have little substance to back up what i do on the outside. In that sense, i am nothing but a liar.

The sight of Harry diving in front of Peter (Parker) to take the fatal through-the-chest stab in Spiderman 3 is haunting, heart wrenching and heart warming all at once. I'm sure that Harry considered the risk of what he was about to do, of what might happen to him if he took the chance to save his friend. But clearly, he didn't give two hoots about himself, but gave it all for his friend.

The look that Harry had on his face clearly spelt the profound brotherly love that he had for Peter and his actions spoke so distinctly of the true and honest, all or nothing kind of friendship that he and Peter shared. One life, given up wholeheartedly, willingly and without hesitation for the life of another.

Wow.

***

In a loonnnngggg time, since circa 2002, joline is going to wear a dress. For not just 1 day, but over 2 days! Oh. My. Gosh. Ack.

It's not that i hate dresses. I like dresses. It's just that the dresses need to BE ME, and that i am generally intolerant of having to sit and stand in a ladylike manner. Seriously, i like dressing up but i am just TOO lazy to do so. Gimme my jeans and tee any day, baby. Or shorts and a cool tee.

Spent 6 hours in front of the computer today doing my ethics project group work. I hope that our lecturer is kind to us because all the other groups have 3 people while my group only has... Er, 2 (1 of our group mates pang seh us and left the module altogether). In a way, it makes things less complicated, but it means a lot more work for the both of us. I never did have to do group projects with much more mature adults back in UniSIM, so to have to work with one one-on-one today was quite a new experience. Thank God that she's great to work with and we come from pretty similar backgrounds.

Then i had the jiemei meeting... Hurhur. ;-)
After we hatched our evil plan, aka Operation Sabotage, i walked away pretty much emotionless except for thoughts about whether the games portion will be pulled off well or not. But now, i'm feeling the combination of anxiety and excitement. Ack, need to get a decent pink thingy to wear! Some dress or something. Shopping is in order on monday, after my convo gown fitting.

Bimbo moment: Kind of wondering which brand of coloured lenses is good and whether people with astigmatism can wear them.

I was at Music Plaza, PS the other day and boy, was it an interesting evening. I encountered:

1. a drummer guy (DG, a customer who was trying out the drums) who told me that he liked my "touch" on the piano (i don't really know what he means by "touch")

J: (tries out a Yamaha playing "Hit the Road Jack" rather softly. Then started softly tinkling the usual bunch of chords)
DG: (Comes up to me from behind) Hi, i like your touch. Do you play a lot of jazz?
J: Er, no, i play mostly by ear.
DG (looks disappointed) Oh. Well, i like your touch.
J: (watches DG walk away) Oh, thanks!

2. guy from buddhist fellowship

He came into the shop wanting to ask the shop assistant about the piano i was playing. I started to move away from it saying that if he wanted to try, please go ahead. But he told me to keep playing so that he could listen. After a few chords, he asked if i played anywhere and i replied that i played for my church band. Then... he asked if i wanted to play for "another faith". I was stunned of course. I didn't decline at first but instead started to quiz him about what this event was about. Turns out he is a buddhist and wants to hold an event where people from different faiths come together to share about their respective faiths.

We had a short conversation about Buddhism and Christianity. I started to put some learnt things (from a recent sermon) into practice but alas, he was too bent on asking me to come to his event. I thought that he went too far with some of his questions, and boy was he insistent! He wasn't going to settle for a "no" so easily. I wonder why. We left the shop with me having his contact and an indefinite answer about me going to his fellowship. Friend tells me that it might be an evangelistic thing. Hm. *nods*

3. 2 young people, a woman and man from a church that believes in God the Mother, the "bride" as a part of God, the end time prophecies, how people today do not observe the passover anymore, saturday as sabbath, not sunday. If you're interested.

They started out innocently enough with a survey which i think was simply a guise to get me into a conversation about what they believe in. They were pushy all right! Refused to have my email address, insisted on my hp number (which i obviously did not give) and gave me pamphlets to read. They basically used verses from the bible to substantiate what they were saying (the woman was nice but sounded like a robot when explaining their beliefs, while the guy was nice but morphed into something monster-ish when asking for my number, insisting that they really wanted to share the truth with me on another set day)

I have mixed feelings about what they were saying. I spoke to my dad about it and i agreed with him that what they were preaching wasn't essential to the simple gospel of Jesus Christ. Although i still have some thoughts about the God the Mother thing, yeah.

Whatever it is, i got a taste of what some Christians do that just scare people away. Coming across as zealots, being too pushy and annoying, using "con" methods. But not all of us are like that!

3 YEARS!

It's our anniversary! Gem and I. :-)

I don't think we're able to go do anything nice or crazy or normal together today since we're occupied with you know, our other partners. Also known as "school" and "homework".

This week has been and is going to continue being rough. Many thanks to the folks who have been on the receiving end of my rambling and whining. You may not know it, but it's a chain reaction. What little that you do, has a big effect on me: Catching me when i am falling/fallen, saying the right words and not saying any at the right time. You've helped me.

Have also been having a sharp pain in my upper back that has been going on for about a week which recently got worse after i accidentally "abused" myself. God, help. *looks up*

I am thinking... When i begin work as a counsellor, this blog will have to become private. Then again, perhaps when i begin my internship, i'll have to start the process of moving i guess.

Ok, i've got to go back to scaring myself into continuing with my work by mentally running through my deadlines.

If only ethical decision making (in counselling) was as easy as punching in numbers into SPSS that churns out results in seconds, or throwing a coin into an Oracle's watery dwelling place and waiting for an answer to magically appear.

Dangwabbit.

***

I've spoken to and observed a few people when it comes to the issue of giving money to people who are asking for it, either through selling tissue paper or just plain asking.

So recently i had a conversation with M about it and i found out that she would only give money to the people who seem like they deserve it.

That got me thinking. Some say that the attitude of the heart is what matters most to them. Meaning, they are not concerned with what the person-asking-for-money (PAFM) does with the money or whether they are part of a syndicate or whether they are deserving. To them, what matters is the attitude they have towards the PAFM, and they give unconditionally.

Some others try to do the practical thing, which is to find out what the PAFM needs, and provides that need directly if within their capability. Eg. Food.
Others choose to give only if they deem the PAFM deserving, with the "right" attitude when they approach them for money.

I don't have a fixed opinion for what i would do, because honestly, there are times when i give freely, and there are times when my heart is hardened.

Then i had a sudden thought. What if Jesus decided that only the deserving among us humans could be worth dying for? Then he can forget about dying and sacrificing himself for any one of us because none of us on this Earth is perfect or deserving.

whao...

I am listening to the band recording of last week's worship at service and i am having GOOSEBUMPS. The GOOD kind of goosebumps. It's like somehow, we've been refreshed by God during our camp such that when we came together to worship as a team, we just really flowed as a band, playing out in music what God was putting into our hearts to play.

God is crazy.

Crazy good.

*

NB: My mom came in to give my cluttered room a quick sweep (something i insist she should not do) and she said: "If Jesus were to come into your room, he wouldn't have anywhere to sit! Where are you going to put him?"

I think she said some other things like:
" Where would he put this books?"
"He would say: Jo, where are you going to put me?"

HA.HA.HA

I don't know.

I just feel so... Blah. It's not like my world is falling apart but it somehow feels a little like that. I guess that is not really the case, so I think it would be more accurately phrased as: there are too many nagging and upsetting (which is subjective) things on my mind now.

School's definitely been keeping me busy. Busy and anti social. The busy part is fine, but being anti social is not something that's suppose to be included in the package. I find myself wanting to run home right after church service when usually i find much joy in hanging out with my cell group or cell group girls. But those days are gone.

I can't even go out because i'm busy catching up with work. Going out on weekdays is not an option unless i make up for the time spent by working extra hard before then. Sundays are catch up days. I feel deprived. Chained. Tired. Drowning and struggling. I meddled with the idea of giving up, though i know that i won't.

I am bogged down by my work and priorities and what's worse, i feel like i don't have the capacity to deal with any more people than i need to. On saturdays after service, the predominant feeling is: I just need a quiet night with very close friend(s). Silent and/or meaningful company is all i wish for. I just don't have it in myself to talk more than i need to. This rotten sense of isolation is leeching into my relationship with God, and i hate it. No relationship with God, no receiving of his love (he still pours his love, but...)that gives me strength to love others. When that happens, i get TIRED.

Then there's the issue of my cousin coming to live with us for an indefinite period of time. She's effectively going to be like a new teenage sister. And that... my friends... is something i have no idea how i'm going to handle. I've never had a younger sibling. It's no more just dad, mom, sister and i. Our little home, our private comfort zone. It's us and one more person. I'm still grappling with the idea of how i'm going to relate. Sister? Cousin? Because, it's going to be for the long haul. And it's a big thing. Lots of thoughts about this.
And then there are (for me to know) that i really want to beat up. Yes, you heard me right. Fed up. Frustrated. Angry.

There's more, but...

I don't know.
Blah.

Wow. I just realized how much i miss The Lion King... I just caught the first one, the 1 1/2 one and The Lion King 2 on YouTube. OK! I know, i ought to be shot for spending my time doing that.

But oh... my gosh. It's so wonderful watching it again. Apart from the kiddy Disney songs (actually, the lyrics are quite funny too), the jokes are still worthy of genuine laughter and the animators and artists REALLY did such a good job depicting the emotions of the characters. Every twitch, every slight movement on the faces and bodies of the characters are so precise and intentional and accurate. Such a work of art in a movie made in the 1990s (but i'm thinking... i believe that the conception of ideas and artwork would've begun somewhere in the 1980s?).

I wanna buy the whole DVD set if possible! It's like treasure to me. :-)

i never knew

The answer may seem obvious. But i don't know HOW my friends can tell. I mean, i almost always wear a poker straight face when i walk around but when they saw me in church yesterday, they instinctively knew that something was wrong.

I'm sorry to have to put up names here... but i hope you don't mind because otherwise you won't ever know who you are...

Alina, Nat, Joy, Kenny, Jess, Roy, Weirong. I don't know how, but your concern shown really blew me away. To you who noticed and asked, to you who bothered to stay and listen to me and offer counsel, to you who gave me wordless encouraging hugs and pats with a knowing look in your eyes, to you who messaged me even when i was out of sight, listening to me over the phone during the wee hours, to you who despite your own problems offered to pray for me, to the one who even FORCED me to talk, thank you.

You might not know it, but it sure meant something special and felt good for the soul of someone who never thought that she was worth anybody's attention and love.

(I can't shake off the feeling that i might have missed out on someone... I'm pretty sure it's all covered but hey, maybe it's because i felt so well taken care of by so many! :-) )

no more. :-(

I think i've come to the end of my running days. If my knees don't heal/cartilage too worn out, then it's time to say goodbye to something that i've invested so much in and move on to something else.

I guess i've got to still train for my 10km in dec. If i find that my knees are going nowhere but downhill after that, then it's probably time to admit that this year's standard chartered run could well be my last. Sigh.

I dreamt that...

I was standing by the side of a lake and on the other side of the same lake, was a lady dressed in the chinese fighting martial arts outfit. She stood about 50 metres away from me, on a grey rock that protruded out from the lake's bank. She seemed to be preparing to fight something, judging from the way she looked poised to take on anything.

Then, i looked up towards the sky and i saw an orange, red and yellow pheonix dive from the clouds and swoop down to attack the woman. She did some really solid kungfu moves and she defeated it.

Next, from the same spot in the sky, i saw a green demon dive down as well with bulging eyes and horns and all, to attack the woman who stood on the rock. With almost little effort, she skillfully fought the demon and chopped off its head.

Now, the context of this dream is that it's like Earth, where spiritual things aren't normally seen by everyone. Somehow, i knew that it was because God allowed me to see what was happening. So as you can imagine, i was utterly thrilled to see something i "wasn't suppose to see" and i felt really privileged.

As i stood on the side of the lake, i quizzically asked God 2 questions: "God, why did you allow me to see what i just saw?"

He said, "You see, in the physical world, we tend to see people who fight the spiritual war in a strange light. We think they believe in weird things and behave in odd ways because we cannot see what they can see and we cannot see what they are fighting against. For example, if i did not allow you to see the appearance of the adversaries, you would have thought that that woman was fighting thin air. You would have thought she was behaving a bit oddly."

Then i asked him, "But i am also your child, i am a Christian too, why did the phoenix and demon not see and attack me? Why did they/you spare me and go to that woman?"

And God said: "It is because she is grounded in the Word (the Bible, which is the word of God) and strong, so therefore she is more equipped to fight."

***

For the first message, i took this to mean that i should be more open with what God's people are doing today. Some of them claim to be doing something in the supernatural and they most certainly behave strangely! Which i always find disturbing. But i guess, if these people are moving in God's authority and power, than i should support them in spirit and truth.

That being said, i should also always test the spirit behind every deed and claim. It's because nowadays, as the world comes to an end, the devil is coming to deceive God's people and lead them away from God with all the trickery he can muster.

For the second message, it seems pretty clear to me that it's time i should be reading and digesting the bible through and through!

Interestingly, i have just bought a 365 day daily devotional that requires me to just spend a short time with God, with a verse and a short para on God's character and a reflection. It doesn't take much time to spend with God. The reason why i bought it was because i found that other devotionals tended to throw too many things at me in a short time, without allowing me to focus and meditate slowly on the word, God's character or whatever the devotions is focusing on. Admittedly, i don't spend enough time with God than i would like to.

Because of the brief nature of the devotional, it means that i do not delve deeply and cover the bible extensively. Which i guess... seems to be a problem.

Of course being a critical person and a psych student and all, i am led to wonder if the dream is an expression of my guilt or whether it is really God telling me something. I suppose the logic and orderliness of the dream is quite astounding and the messages are biblical. I must say that the 2 issues are issues that i find hard to address in my Christian life: dealing with the supernatural and being familiar with the bible.

So. Yes. Do you find this thought provoking? I hope you do, because to me it might just change my life.

Ah! Rush rush today. Tomorrow's homework and readings are NOT done yet, today's readings are not done yet (when doing a masters, doing your readings before class is PARAMOUNT, cannot run away from it one!), and i already have to get ready for school NOW when i haven't eaten lunch and, and, and, ARGH!

Ok, then why am i blogging? To preserve my sanity! :-DDDD

Oh, and i signed up for kickboxing classes with Miss R for 5 weeks, on thursdays and i er, couldn't help but sign up for archery too. Hohoho. Despite my schedule being absolutely PACKED. WHO CARES. I NEED TO BE A STUDENT with a LIFE! Even if only for a while.... but if God says to sacrifice... then, to sacrifice it, i will. :-S (but can i only sacrifice being on the school team, can i still join for fun? :-DDD Alternatively, i can go back to shooting for ACS, instead of NTU. Shooting for ACS would allow me to train on Sundays instead of Saturdays.)

(When i saw the archery booth at NTU, my heart started to pump faster, my breathing was like, shorter, my mind was swirling and i just, i just... against all odds, HAD to get myself involved!!!! Somehow!!!)

Ok, ramble done. Back to CHIONGING like mad.

Oh, i have a weird dream (but Miss R says it may be more than that) to share. More on that later.

Oh nuts. As the NTU ECA Fair rolls around starting tomorrow, my head is filling up with the familiar images surrounding archery and the feeling of drawing, aiming and releasing is making me go dreamy.

Will i ever get back to shooting? Will i ever have time to devote to archery?