Ok, i couldn't resist it, the statue was just egging me on to do it. Really.

(picture taken by miss_D, with her Nikon D80, with whom i went on a photography trip with to the Hort Park)

Woo, i have such muscoolar (and white!) pins!

I must say that i'm actually proud of my old fogey of a Canon Powershot G2. I uploaded my photos and i marvelled at how the pictures turned out. Of course, it's not the best of cameras for ALL events and sure, i would LOVE to have a spanking new DSLR in my paws but well, my G2 did well enough. That said... Lighting! LIGHTING! Is All important in photography too!

God, He did it again. :-D

I wrote this some days a go, but now it's ready to be posted up!

1. God really knows my needs even BEFORE i tell him...

Now, bank accounts are meant to see your savings increase right? Yes. So, having received my allowance from my work last month, i was pretty happy about the digits and i had really just wanted to keep things the way it was. I was exceptionally reluctant to spend on things, though there are lots i really want to buy for myself!

So with the bintan trip, i had to draw out a sizeable amount and i admit that i was feeling disturbed at the sudden drop in finances. My phone bill also came in today and it was HIGHER than usual, because i was in Malaysia last month and the smses chalked up a sum. Also, this is coupled with the fact that i am no longer going to be working and therefore, NO INCOME anymore. Although i will still survive on kind parental support, i have to watch every penny that comes out from my wallet or i may run low.

But as i was packing a while ago, out of the blue, my dad came into the room and he said with a smile: "Need some money to spend?"
I was STUNNED and i couldn't even reach out to take what looked like blue notes in his hand.
He said: "It's just ****** only...."
Jo: But still... I'm really thankful. Thank you, thank you! I really appreciate it...
Dad: Good. Good night! *smiles to himself as he exits my room*

Then, a few minutes later, MOM came in with a smile and i can almost feel her heart beaming with delight as she blessed me financially too!

I'm like, OH MY... I was brooding over the cash flow and i had all my broiling concerns about finances which kept drumming away in my head the last few days. And sadly, I didn't think that it was important enough for God to care. In my mind, i just figured that i would just swallow my circumstances and handle my own problems in my own way. But you know, God cares and he supplied my needs (through my folks)! It's just so amazing... I really should trust God a whole lot more even in the everyday/mundane things.

2. Being assured of my future.

Today at worship ministry bible study, we were asked to pair up and just ask God how we can prophesize, or simply put: bless, the person we were paired up with. J and i sat down to pray and she said that even before she paired up with me, she had a vision of me, for me...

J saw that i was standing in a forest, with trees surrounding me all around. There was no path leading out from the forest and she asked God for light so that she could see. Then, light appeared and it illuminated a dirt path that led out me out from the forest and... When i got out, before me was a beautiful, magnificient view.

J didn't know what it meant, but felt that God was saying that "He would show me, in his time, what he intended for me."

I was so STUNNED (again). Because right now, i am facing both certainty and uncertainty in my life.

My certainty: the road to being a counsellor is right before me; God has clearly opened the door for me.
My uncertainty is: I have such a great fear of people but YET, i know nothing else that i am passionate about. And i am going headlong into a career where i have to deal with all sorts of people EVERY day. Having experienced interaction with difficult people, i have begun to doubt my ability to love and reach out to those in need.

In my heart, i have been constantly asking myself and i have been wondering incessantly: HOW on the WORLD is God going to use me? I just don't see how it is possible. I am weak, fearful, doubtful, inadequate!

My personality is a complete opposite from the other counsellors i have met. I just cannot see how i can be useful, how i can bless others, how God can use me, a person who is choosing to do something so opposite from what i am normally more comfortable doing.

It's such a mismatch, and i am just, like what J said, in a forest. I cannot see where i am going, i cannot see what God has planned. I cannot the picture yet. I cannot see HIS big picture. I'm still far away from the finished product.

But God has now told me that, in time, i will see. I will see the light, and i will be led. I will eventually be led to see the beautiful outcome of what He has planned for me. I will come to see it.

And this gives me the assurance that i have to just keep walking in the direction that i am walking towards. Because God WILL reveal the fruits and reasons in time to come!

Oh, and note: J had no idea of the things that i am going through, so you can see, that it's REALLY God just speaking to me through J! :-D

Then Again...

Maybe i might eat my words... Maybe i'll do the 42km...
(Now that i have a willing female kaki)
Muah hahahahaha...

Ok, but it'll remain STRICTLY a walk-a-jog thing. No "kay-kiang-ing" and attempting to run all the way. Nevertheless, i still have my reservations. Like whether i should go for a full body check up before i sign up, whether 4 months is enough to train up given that i'll be starting school soon and it's going to get busy. Whether i'll pile on that mysterious 3kg again like when i completed the 21km. It took me 3 to 4 months to get rid of something i didn't even have in the first place! And, how do i fit my training schedule in?

I like the idea that i'll have sports facilities in school, but still... Will i be able to cope?

Ah, but the thought of completing a marathon at least once is SUCH a THOUGHT! :-D

Hello again, Standard Chartered run

Back from Bintan and boy, did i enjoy myself...

Thank you so much to my group of girls from JC that have been able to stick with me through out till this stage of my life! We've known each other since 2001 and it's really special for us to be able to go on a trip together. And might i add, like, finally. HAHA.

Anyway, i have DECIDED to go for the Standard Chartered event again, but this time, back to doing 10km instead of moving forward from the 21km to doing the 42km. Reason being... My knees need a BREAK! Yes, it's very glamorous to be able to finish the 42km but i know that my pride has to take a backseat while my knee condition takes top priority. I'm going to need them well into my old age k! I would rather have working knees than to be able to boast about having completed 42km but with busted knees. No point.

I'm all set to begin on my training program! Yahoo! Plus, it's even better that i now have girl (and guy maybe) kakis who are coming with me. :-) Gem is going to tackle the 42km with another friend... Oh my gawsh. If only i could drive, so that i can pack and bring some iced milo for us all after all our hard work.

The registration will launch from 21st of July onwards. Don't miss it! :-D

HELLO!!!

I'm off to Bintan tomorrow, for a REALLY short trip. Better one than none! Yes, my pocket is pretty much a smothering crater now (everything in Bintan is in Sg dollars! The nerve. Rah.), and it does not help that the post GSS is starting soon. Dang.

I've not gone off blogging, just been having too many undeveloped thoughts/private concerns/yada, that flit about too fast to talk about. I'm pretty sure that once school starts, i'll be blogging more often. Or, i need something episodic and nonsequential to talk about.

Ok, i know this post sounds rather bimbotic. A sign for the need to start academia soon.

Need to clean Jed's poop. Ta.

Tomorrow is the day i've been waiting for, since April/May. Then again, in some way, it is also the day that i have been waiting unknowingly for since i even began my undergraduate studies. Tomorrow will seal the activities of the next 2 years of my life. And it will seal the activities of my working life, for at least the first 3 to 5 years. (That is, if i don't throw in the towel and quit earlier than that.)

Hello NTU-NIE.

***

Seriously, there are times when i really wonder... Just WHO ARE my REAL friends?

***

A part of me says to give up, while another part says that in my heart, there is no such thing as giving up. A true test of my devotion to the cause, of my love, of my perseverence to pursue.

:-) Gem got me...

1) two lovely packets of Caramel Corn:
I've tried this snack before many years ago and i've had fond memories of it. Haha. I don't know if this is the same stuff, but i'll find out soon. I guess a slight difference is that these are the flavored versions. Green tea and peanut, i believe. :-9

AND...

2) The whole 3 sets of the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtracks I tell you, i was just stunned. I mentioned about wanting the soundtracks very much, being a Pirates movie fan and also a fan of the music, but i never imagined that he would get them all for me. :-D I've imported them over to itunes and i'm just having a blast listening to them all! YEAY! The various musical themes from the movie are so full of lively character, it's such a joy to listen too. It feels as if you are practically watching the movie! It's powerful, driving, rich and adventurous.

***

People at church have commented that i look more alive today as compared to about 2 weeks ago. HAHA. Oh gosh. I think the work i've been doing had really sapped my energy overall. While i am glad that it's going to be over in 1 week's time, i've been left with a lot to think about. And for some reason, even though i'm going to get my lovely one month break before school starts in August, which is all well and good, i would still feel that my days are missing out on something meaningful. Ok, but i'll be glad that i don't have to sacrifice any more sleep to get to work on time in the morning!

Being someone who needs 9 hours of sleep to function well for a full day at work, i often feel tired and sleepy because i've been getting a max of 6 to 7 hours of sleep lately. Quite pathetic, i know. Most people can function with 7 or 8 hours or even less, of sleep. I can't. Jia lat, next time how man. Maybe i need to start thinking about alternative ways of earning moolah.

***

Although i'm so out of it when it comes to my archery club and archery, i'll be heading up to Hougang for the AGM tomorrow. Shucks. I don't really like not having any friends there anymore other then the people who are running the whole show. All my mates have stopped shooting for their various reasons. Apparently, the only compound archer is one of the few adults. The rest are recurve archers. ARGH. About time to get back to shooting... This lag has lasted TOO long. All talk and no action only, so far.

At least i know that my form is still pretty decent since the last time i tried the recurve bow at a short distance. :-)

It's good to be back rambling here again about nothing much in particular without being too emo.

It's me! I'm BACK! I SURVIVED!

Interestingly, i feel more refreshed than when i left. Of course, i need a good break in general, but mentally, i am feeling better.

2 weeks more before Joline's out of YGOS. I am looking forward to my 1 month break before school begins in August. But i'll definitely be occupied with a major project, like my friends' wedding video. I hope the NTU people start school only in end july, so that i'll be able to spend some quality time with them before school begins as well. The more i think about even going down to NIE to just register in july, the more brain chills i get! I'm dreaming of the lunch meetings, the rendezvous, the studying together, my counselling course, being on campus, restarting my archery again, jogging with JL (and whoever else that is game) around NTU/track, working out in the gym. Whoo-ooo-ooo. *brain chill*

In all honesty, i doubt that i will be able to fulfill all that i am dreaming of. Ah, but one can hope, right.

My Library Gang Bintan trip has also been CONFIRMED! OH MY GWASH. FINALLY! We've been fantasizing about going for a holiday together since we all graduated and started working... It's been a ripe 3 years or so (or is it more than that?) and now it is HAPPENING. We had plans to travel to somewhere further actually but i guess because some people aren't exactly loaded, *ahem*yourstruly*cough* travelling further was an issue.

Much has been going on in my head regarding my future. I've been asking God: God, what is it you want me to do in my life? I'm totally "at your disposable" you know? All you need to do is just tell me, just say so, and i will do it.
(but i never really hear him clearly about this.)

I'm also questioning and answering myself. I'm thinking:-

Q: If handling, being and dealing with people is so hard for me personally, that it is a struggle, than why in the WORLD am i bothering to train myself to take on a job that requires me to "take care" of people? WHY in the WORLD am i going headlong into something that arouses so much FEAR and STRESS in me?

A: I think it's strange that i'm choosing to do something completely opposite to what i am comfortable with. If i had things my way, i'd just settle for something easier, or less conventional. You know, like maybe be a zookeeper, or an archery coach, or travel the world making documentaries about animals or our planet. But if you were to ask me WHY i choose to do counselling, i'd tell you that i believe the people of our society today, really need something. There is a need for social, mental, emotional well being. Spiritual well being even. And i want to do my part to help. There is so much pain and twisted values these days and it's being passed down to our younger generation and it breaks my heart to hear about what it does to them. So i'm thinking... Is my desire to do what i want to do driven only just by wanting to make the world a better place? Or is it possibly driven by love? And whose love? My love? God's love? Even that can be a struggle to answer at times. But i know that if there is love involved, it is not my own, but Father God's love for his people (which is actually everyone on this planet!). And this is probably it, that i believe this is why i choose what i choose to do... To carry out my duties inspired by His love inspite of all the fears.

So i'm thinking. Is this therefore the "thing" that God wants me to do in my life? I'm going against my human nature for a cause, so.... that's good, right? Right? But of course, there are times when God makes use of our strongest assets to do his work in places where we may be most comfortable in. But i guess there are times when He also wants to teach some of us something, or to stretch some of us that need stretching.

For now, he has so obviously opened the door for me to enter the counselling field. I feel as if his favour is on me to pursue this. First it was when YGOS willingly took me in for just 2 months (which is generally not entertained) and then NIE which offered me the counselling course despite me being a young 'un, a graduate from UniSIM (which some people tend to have certain pre (and mis?) conceptions about), someone with no relevant working experience (at the point of my interview, all the working experience i ever had was of selling Body Shop products back in 2003 while waiting for uni to begin and printing invoices and collecting $ since 2006 at my other workplace), i'm far from scholar material, and i also could only hand in 2 referee reports out of the required 3 (i typed out and clipped a very earnest sounding letter to NIE, together with my application, to apologize for not meeting the requirements). Not forgetting the highly embarrassing fumble i made during my interview when i blabbered something and ended my blabber with "erm, er, never mind. *giggle*"
Oh goodness, so retarded!

My conclusion is: I will continue to pursue this as long as the coast is clear and until God decides to say ENOUGH, closes the doors and places me somewhere else.

So anyway. I've got ONE more day of break at home to do my YGOS reflections and then it'll be back to work on tuesday. Hm, i look forward to my Breadtalk breakfasts almost every morning before hitting the workplace. Teehee. *beam* I'm wondering if i should begin using my lunch hour to go running. I usually feel like a squishy and pudgy pao after lunch and it makes me feel uncomfortable! A surefire way to put on weight sia... I think i've been doing well in keeping my weight in check at the moment, and i don't wanna mess it up!

All righty, good night folks. It's 4 in the morning. A long post after a long time. Talking in long rambly posts often is more my thing!

PS: KUNGFU PANDA IS DARN FUNNY. I LAUGHED THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE SHOW SIA!

It's sunday, midnight. And i'll be leaving for Malacca for a community service trip in the afternoon. I'm not in the best of states to be going really. Tired (emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically) and down with the flu, bordering on having a headache/fever.

Like i told Gem, it's one thing to go on a community service trip and it's quite another to do one with youths in tow. Oh GOD, i REALLY NEED YOU. I need your strength to carry me through. I just don't have it in me right now.

Am doing my packing now, and i must say that the barrage of camps previously in May has made me a much quicker packer! Thanks to Gem for letting me loan his good ole deuter bag.

I know this is going to sound so random, but for some reason, i'm struggling with so much pride inside my heart. Everyday, i hear myself telling myself to "shut up!" every time i think of something prideful or judgmental. I tell you... I get so tired of myself, really. It's a good thing people can't read my mind! I'd be thoroughly despised i think. Sometimes, even the act of doing something loving can turn into something prideful. Sheesh.

It's amazing how God can love me for who i am. I'm thinking of all the reasons why God can't possibly love me. But when i look at examples of people God loved and loves, people who show the same "reasons", i know that i cannot explain God's love away from me.

GOD......................... DADDY............................. I REALLY NEED A MIRACLE FROM YOU. SOMETHING THAT I CANNOT DENY. I NEED SOMETHING SO SUPERNATURAL AND IMPACTFUL. God, i'm so tired.

***

Want to learn jazz and blues piano!
Want to find good orchestral (not classical) music.
Wants it to be july, NOW.
Would love a digital piano.

I'm sort of experiencing a low point in my life at the moment. It's not toooo bad. But it's definitely not the usual.

But a home cooked dinner, furry canines, and honest talk made for good therapy. :-)

I'm into my second month at YGOS and boy, has it been quite a ride. Imagine: Half a week in Malacca, a break of 1 or 2 days, and then two more weeks at YGOS and then ADIOS! I'll be off for a month before school starts. But then, i'm always open to coming back for any ad hoc stuff. If they want me around. :-P Which reminds me, J came back today to visit (i guess?) and it was indeed a pleasant surprise! He apparently cycled all the way from home, and it took 2 hours for him to reach our workplace. Was nice to see a fellow (now ex-) project servant back!

I'm going off to Malacca on a community service trip with some youths and i'm really unsure of what's going to happen. Really got to come before God again and submit it all to him. For now, i guess the guys in my team are a great bunch, when given the encouragement and guidance.

Anyway. I made my decision as to where I will be continuing my studies.... I shall make hanging out in NTU-NIE FUN! :-D
Oh, and i really look forward to picking up my archery again, exercising with JL and doing all sorts of campus-sy things! Whoopee!

in short...

It's been a week since i've last updated and this is definitely NOT my style!

I'm mentally exhausted. As for physically... lets say that if i sat still for a while, i would be in lala land soon after.

I've declined the Monash offer. But i've still not decided between NIE or Queensland (that has a really pretty set of modules. i've only been offered an interview, no full offer yet.).

I feel like running away from people. And the thought of running away from them is painful yet i have grown so cynical about things that i wish i could survive alone, though i know i cannot.

When you are with youths, you tend to eat a whole lot of junk food man...

Brain's too stuck with things that i can't unstuck it for now. Toodles.

Hey everyone.... :-)

I'm back from camp with a class of students from KSS and dinner with my Library Gang girlies. I'm not feeling as dead as a few days ago because i was like... the only or one of the only people who actually slept early during the chalet. HA. The YGOS staff and volunteers mocked me for sleeping so early and said that they'll make me sleep at 3am next time. ARGH! NO!!! Shucks, i found out that i pretty much lose out even to the older adults at YGOS. Woah seh, how do they do it lor. Weeks of camps, work, family life, late nights, school work... Always smiling, always friendly, always pursuing what is good and noble. I take my hat off to them.

The class of students were as interesting a bunch as students go, though i can't mentioned too much here. I just pray that seeds of life, purpose and hope have been sown into their lives.

Going through all this with YGOS is definitely ripping me out from my comfort zone though i've been blessed with the best colleagues that i can possibly have. Which is a saving grace. I stumble and grab around as i navigate my way through my journey, but i feel like this is really just the process of growth. You know. How you will grow best when you are put through new things, when you experience challenges and tackle opportunities to exercise your skills, and test your limits and make new ones.

I'm still learning to be comfortable with who i am, how i work, how to handle myself under stress (this one is HARD), to show love and not dwell in selfish pride, carrying myself with confidence and sharing the gospel. Amongst other things, i'm sure.

I've got a live-in temporary brother! :-DDD
My cousin from M'sia is here to stay for a while till he can get accomodation near the uni of nanyang. ;-p He's here to do a masters program too and he informed me about the status of the accomodation waiting list for graduate hostel living. 200 names on the waiting list! I have no chance sia.

I'll be off to JB tomorrow. Wedding photoshoot! (ain't mine)

Suay Day

Got a lift from my colleague to Dover, got off the van.
Started walking towards bus stop in relief that can finally rest after a 2 day school camp.
Fumbled for phone pouch, realized it was missing.
Retraced steps to see if i dropped it.
Found nothing on the path, so concluded that i left it on van.

Started to panic.

With no phone pouch, i had no: ez-link card, no home access card, no phone, no house keys.
Implies: need coins for bus fare, cannot enter home, cannot call anyone for help, and also cannot remember anyone's handphone number offhand, except for Gem's and Library Gang's.
Went to bus stop, opened wallet.
Not enough coins. Had to pay bus fare with whole $2 note.

Went to holland village and managed to find a payphone. THANK GOD for PAYPHONES.
I ALMOST missed the only person who could help me, Gem, who was just about to step out of the house to gym. THANK GOD!
Managed to get my colleague, through Gem and Joy, who found my phone pouch. PHEW! THANK YOU, YOU GUYS!

Later that night at 4plus AM, i realized that i had only 2 hours to sleep before having to awake at 6:30-7am for a school program, i was already freaking tired for the day, and i was so scared that i would not be able to wake up in time.
Reached for my "phone" which also doubles as my alarm clock and realized that duh, it was not there.
Reached for alarm clock and found it had stopped.
Changed the battery.
Still did not work. -.-"

Hopped around mad for a few moments before kopping my mom's alarm clock.
It WORKED!

So, i managed to awake on time and got to my destination on time.
Had to borrow sister's wrist watch to keep track of the time. Being without the phone meant being without a watch as well. ARGH.

But i was really shacked, terrible so, and from the way i was moving around and getting things done, i was fumbling out, missing out plenty of details, careless and generally just really OUT of IT.
Told myself that i better be extra careful, think slowly and carefully or i might end up getting into an accident.

Managed to fit in breakfast, but...
I had the worst mix rice meal i have ever had. Good thing it wasn't too expensive, but it was a waste of good money.

End of Suay Day.
Need to sleep badly.
Why is the phone so much a part of my life?!

Going for family chalet. In the last 2 weeks, i have been to 2 chalets already. This will be the third one, i'll be at another one next week. That's 4 altogether. Privileged! All part of the job for now. :-D

Speaking in point form. Tired. Ha. Ok, joline, out.

Hey folks!

I've only got a short while to throw in a post. Would just like to say that i'm really thankful for all the comments that you guys drop in, into this vacuum. :-D It really brings me cheer to read something that you have decided to add in and to me, it means a lot that you bothered to come by and contribute to the discussion.

I've just returned from a 2 day camp with a class of youths from Kranji Secondary. I've learnt and experienced so much by being with the staff of YGOS and the students. It would take me a while to reconcile everything that's in my head right now! Argh.

There's going to be another camp next week and i'll be "chairing" the games with another friend. Oh boy.

It's going to be another crazy week starting from tomorrow onwards. Work tomorrow (archery with some youths!!!!), family chalet, cell activity on monday (?), camp on tue and wed, to JB for friend's wedding photoshoot, staying over at friend's place, church. It's no wonder that i am not fucntioning at my optimum. But God's been sustaining me throughout. :-)

Got to go off for now, i'll check back with you guys soon. Have got games to plan!

So much drama has happened over the past one week that i don't even know where to begin and how much i can really share over the internet. Anyway, here goes:

1. Close shave with Death
A few seconds made the difference between life and death in my family on saturday. I could have been made an orphan or i could have lost one parent in an accident. Apparently some totally reckless and selfish driver beat the red light at a junction, and almost CRASHED into the right side of the car that my folks were in. If my dad had not seen the car coming on his right at the corner of his eye and jam braked, a horrible tragedy could have occurred. When i think about what my folks went through, no words can express how angry i am at that inconsiderate driver. I can only say that GOD PROTECTED MY PARENTS and perhaps it was not their time to leave the Earth yet.
This incident REALLY woke me up from my complacent attitude towards loving and caring for my folks and family. I realized that i have not loved them enough and showed enough care and gentleness towards them in their lives so far. I know that i have not given them what they deserve as well meaning, loving and long suffering parents. If they had died, i would feel intense regret at my actions and behaviour towards them.
I now don't take it for granted that they will be home every day. I used to just believe that they will be home everyday as per normal, and it was so mundane that it became unimportant. But now, cold water has been thrown in my face as i am shown that death CAN happen within my family. There's no such thing as, "It will never happen to me." It CAN happen to you. I now thank God every time i see my parents at home. It's a miracle and a blessing to see them alive and healthy everyday. I will never forget that, and neither should you. Take me seriously. Don't EVER take your loved ones for granted.

2. Lovely Friends
Had dinner and ice cream with a small group of cell mates who were still around after service... And then had good, honest girly chats and chill out session (actually, sunday was darn hot!) from saturday to sunday. Enough said. :-)

3. Official "Internship" at YGOS
I have joined Youth Guidance Outreach Services (YGOS) as a "intern" on a program called Project Servant. Will be serving there for 2 months. Oh man. I don't know where to begin to tell you guys about it. Got so many thoughts swirling around in my head and sometimes i lose them just when i want to pen them down. Argh. The gist is that i will be coming into contact with youths-at-risk, doing stuff like: befriending, going for camps, counselling, facilitating... I'll tell you guys more about what i've been doing and what my thoughts are.
I had a staff retreat from monday to wednesday, and i thank God that i joined them at such a good time. People had time to see who i was, and i had time to get to know others more. I learnt more about what YGOS does and it was enriching.

But not everything was great, and it's not anyone's fault really. Like i said, i'll talk more about that later, IF i can.

4. YGOS - Day 1
Today i had my first day at work and well... time passes really quickly at YGOS! :-) Can't wait to see how i will be interacting with the youths. I haven't officially met any one of them yet.

5. My application got...
While i was sitting at my dining table downstairs, my dad came back from work and stood at the top of the staircase, clinching a stack of letters in the crook of his arm. I spotted an A4 size brown envelope and wondered if it was for me. He stood there longer than usual and said to me: "I think this is your offer letter" with a smile. So i walked up to him and took the envelope and realized that it was from NIE. I wasn't sure if it was really an offer letter since i could not see anything through the transparent plastic window on the envelope that was vaguely related to being accepted. All i saw was: "FULL TIME MASTER..."
While ripping the letter flap, i told my dad, "Skarly it's just a letter to say that i've been (cleanly and promptly) rejected without even a second round of interview...". He just smiled at me, and we both waited in anticipation to see what the document was about.

LO and BEHOLD. I pulled the sheet out and it said...:
"We are pleased to inform you that your application for admission as a full-time candidate for the degree of Master of Arts (Counselling and Guidance) has been successful."

I read that line several times before it hit me that i WAS OFFICIALLY ACCEPTED. I mean... I've been so accustomed to receiving rejection letters from local universities that i was expecting to see something like: "I am pleased to inform you that while you made the first round, we regret that we cannot offer you...."

YES. I AM ACTUALLY GOING TO BE EN ROUTE TO GETTING MY MASTERS IF I JUST ACCEPT THE OFFER!!! WOW!
The idea blows my mind!

I want to stay in hostel leh, for at least one semester. But i heard that only undergrads get guaranteed a place to stay. I admit that i don't actually need a place to stay at all since i don't stay that far away from NIE. But STILL! I want some campus life!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been CRAVING some kind of authentic campus life since forever.

Then again, i have to think about whether i'm really going to take up the offer. Wouldn't it be great though, to do my practicum at YGOS? Hmm, yeah......... ;-D

1. i got accepted into monash to do the grad cert in counselling (a prereq to do the masters). while i think that it's good to start off with the grad cert since i don't have any background in counselling, i don't know what are the chances of me progressing on to the masters program which is my ultimate goal. hence, i am not accepting the offer just yet.

2. my fear of people, being alone one on one with people, even GIRL FRIENDS, has robbed me of building close relationships with them. i tend to shut people away. i hate being so fearful. i hate it. i feel as if everyone has at least one close girl friend to spend exclusive time with. i get angry and jealous, because i have no one like that. and i have only myself to blame.

3. might be starting on my voluntary work soon. the whole of may and june will be taken up, working hours even! i will be thrust out, OUTSIDE of my comfort zone. not only mixing with people who lead hard lives, but also sharing with them about God. i am shaking in my shoes, and i am wondering what the $#%$@#% am i doing, my mind is running amok! but somehow... i know that there is a bigger picture to all this. i feel like an ugly catepillar who is struggling very hard to burst out from its cocoon, either as STILL an ugly catepillar (untried, deformed, untested, unsure, not ready for the life outside) or as the butterfly about to test out its wings and taste freedom.

4. i was thinking and i sense something isn't right with you. you know, if you have an issue with me, tell me. don't sulk and expect me to read your mind. if you've got a problem, say so. don't brew in your own poison. if you want to keep silent, then fine. you can brew while i continue to live my life oblivious to your issues. as if being silently angry with someone solves anything.

hm....

It's so funny how when i look at running distances in running event ads, i hear my brain saying: "5km, 10km... Easy peasy." But then when i remember the last 5km i did which was last sunday, my body said the complete opposite. And i realize that while i am mentally prepared to do distance (having challenged and conquered 21km), physically, i am not as fit as i would like.

You see. I've noticed that my right knee acts up when i walk/run for distances beyond 4km, and somehow, my breathing is more laboured than usual. And in general, both my knees are a lot more tender these days even when i am just simply moving around. And i worry that they are more tender than they should be for someone my age. I'm ONLY 24! I can't imagine the backlash i *might* get in future at age 50 or 60 or 70. Royal bummer.

I'm thinking of changing my main mode of sport. I've GOT to do something that doesn't tax my knees so, while at the same time, sustaining the kind of intensity that i love to have in my work outs. Shorter runs? Cycling? Brisk walking with short runs? Swimming? Pilates? Kickboxing? (NO AEROBICS FOR ME)

On a different note, i was very tempted to sign up for the Singapore Sprint Series Duathlon. The event consists of a 3km run + 15km bike + 3km run. Sounds ultra do-able! But the event is on the 4th of May, and that's way too soon. Ah well.

All righty. Time for bed, i've got work tomorrow!

that odd yet meaningful dream

I had a really strange dream on friday night...

I dreamt that the whole of NTU cell had gossiped behind my back. And to me in the dream, that was TOTALLY UNIMAGINABLE because, other than my family and close JC mates who've seen all sides to me, they are the closest people to me and people whom i have been honest to! In the dream, R was the one who spilled the beans to me. I'm not sure why she told me what the cell had done, but she definitely wasn't sympathetic either. Apparently, they had talked about all my negative points, and pretty much came to a conclusion that i was NOT likeable.

(NTU cell aka Cell Group = group of people who meet up once a week, every week, other than for church service, to study the bible together)

I can only remember a couple of the things they "did not like" about me: I was told that the cell disliked how i sang so loudly during cell worship as if i was some big shot with a splendid voice, and i was told that they did not like me also because i could not lead them well during cell worship. Which explained why they did not ask me to lead worship anymore. Among other things, they said other bad things about my personality.

And throughout the dream when R was telling me about what cell had spoken behind my back, i was supremely indignant. I was so desperate to understand WHY they did not like me even when all i have done was to be the best friend and person that i could be to them. I was all alone, and felt totally misunderstood. In the dream, i could not comprehend why the people who were so close to me, people whom i had sincerely liked, could do such an abhorrent thing to me.

In my dream, i found that i was greatly distressed because i felt as if all that i was worth depended on whether i was accepted positively by people. The NTU cell is a representation of people who are dear to me. But strangely throughout my hurt and indignance, somehow this message was deposited into my mind:

"Who cares about what others think about you? The opinion of man is superficial and changing. What matters is what God thinks about you, and that is steadfast and everlasting. Your worth is not defined by what people say or feel towards you, or whether people like you. See, even the people who are closest to you have turned against you. You now understand the true meaning of what it means to have the world against you. And you now understand the true meaning and weight of what it means to rely completely on the worth that God gave you."

You see. It is easy to disregard what strangers think about you, and it does not hurt so much when they think badly of you. But when your own close ones begin to hate you, suddenly you feel like your worth is being called into question. Suddenly your identity and reputation is in shambles, suddenly you feel as if you have no where to go.

As i thought more about this, this dream is in line with the Christian walk. God is to take top priority in every aspect of my life, and loving God beyond all else and accepting our identity in Christ is what every Christian is suppose to do. But all too often as we jouney through life on Earth, we forget this and get swallowed up by the worldly things that surround us. We lust after material things of this world, and we accept definitions of people and things set by culture and society at large (Eg. beauty, intelligence, self-worth, etc).

We love and obey God and choosing to do His work is/may be unpopular with the masses. For example, speaking out against homosexuality and abortion, or sharing the gospel. There are times when we may have to do this among people who hate God and Christians (which is actually happening today). And in doing so, we have to forsake our own plans, reputation, safety, etc.

To be able to stand up for the things of God, we need to secure in God. To know that we are loved even when the world hates us.

Therefore, i understand that being secure in God, gives us sureness in our lives. It's being on a foundation that does not change.
You may say: What if you die doing God's work? What kind of security is that?
My answer is simple: The safety that God gives is beyond this physical life. It is eternal. By that i mean, you go to the place where God is to be with him forever. Heaven! It can't be more secure than that. :-)

I don't really know why i had this dream or what triggered it. Thought i'd just share it on this space and i hope that anyone reading this will benefit from it. :-D

Eastern Park Connector Bike Trip April 2008

Attempt Number One: 8th April 2008, Tuesday
Weather: We got rained on big time.

We had sought shelter at this void deck at Tampines. We waited for quite a while for the rain to stop and both of us were freezing our follicles off.

Our bikes and barang barang.

The wet, sodden bikers. After considering our options of what to do, we decided to turn back around and go back the same way back to East Coast. It was late and the rain had slowed our plans down. We vowed to come back another day!

We had a really slurpilicious dinner at a turkish food place at East Coast, "Kebab Station". This was the Beef Kebab Roll. Heavenly! Juicy and tasty beef, tangy sauce, veg, wrapped in a warm and crisp skin.
This would be the turkish pizza. It's got tomato based sauce mixed with minced meat and eggplant, fresh tomatoes, topped with cheese, yoghurt/sour cream and herbs with pita bread on the side. Oh, how we savoured every drop!

Ok, i got this scrap on my knee because my bike skidded on the edge of the wet road when i was going up a slope. Gem was behind me and he thought i was doing a stunt! (WOT?!) He said that it looked like i was jumping off my bike. This was what happened: I was going up the slope, the wheels skidded and the bike toppled to the right. For fear of being mashed beneath the bike, i jumped off, landed first on my left knee, then palms, did a small roll and landed on me arse. To my surprise, i felt more like an ant/bouncy ball that got thrown off, and not like a heavy potato that i envisioned myself to be more like. HAHA. I landed quite softly, and not with a hard bonk on the ground. I'm guessing it's because it was a controlled fall. Thank God the injuries were really minor! :-)

So, on tuesday, we completed only route G.

Attempt Number Two: 10th April 2008, Thursday
Weather: Really Cloudy. Experienced only a slight drizzle.

Other than falling over, and scowling and grumbling at Gem whenever i did (how 'charming' of me, sigh. my temper is horrendous.) and having "discussions" on safety while cycling, i had a really good time cycling some 30km-40km last week on thursday. We cycled routes A, B, C, D, E and F and the whole stretch of East Coast.

The weather was really cloudy and on the verge of a major downpour, but i believe God really held the rain cos this was our second attempt in the same week to complete the eastern park connector bike route, and we really prayed for the rain to be held at bay. Gem was also an amazing sport. It's not easy being with a fighter cock/chilli padi and remain composed, and he always took effort to take care of me, even when i wasn't very nice to him sometimes.

Us by the beach while having lunch before renting our bikes.

First stop, Bedok Reservoir.

Second stop. Hmm. Can't remember where this was... :-( We had to carry our bikes up and down the overhead bridge stairs. Some bridges had ramps though. Overall, you need some level of endurance and strength to tackle the urban terrain.

The next stop.


This was taken by Gem at Changi, at one tip of Singapore! I really wanted to make a stop here because i was charmed by the fact that it was literally one of the edges that make the perimeter of Singapore. The NTU Cell passed by this point when we were travelling back by bumboat from Pulau Ubin. Played around with picasa to created the saturated colours.

Ha, ok i admit that i love this photo taken by Gem. Could do with some editing.

Oh. This is the Coastal Park Connector, a notoriously LONG straight road that links Changi to East Coast. It's 8km long.

When we got back, we chowed down on some hong kong cafe food which was tasty and nice, but terribly overpriced. Altogether, we left satisfied. Aching, but satisfied. :-)

bike date

(closet narcissist + more-than-happy-to-be-trigger-happy-boyfriend = photos!)