Proof that Joline is a Doofus

"Joline" should be placed in the Oxford Dictionary to mean: "scatter brained". Eg. Don't be so joline!

I bought a card, wrote in it, placed it in its envelop, wrote very prettily the name of the recipient, stuck a stamp on the envelope and had it sent on its way to my receiver.

But i didn't write her address on the envelope.

I spent yesterday afternoon venturing around town (Raffles Place) accompanying a young secondary school going youth in snapping shots of what inspired him. (picture a 22 year old bounding beside a 15-16 year old)

It wasn't so much a physically demanding day, but it really was quite a mentally taxing day... In trying to make the whole photo taking outing well meaning, in keeping our conversations fruitful and also in trying not to be push my fuddy-duddy-old-conventional-bore-of-a-nerd personality that i am.

I prayed really hard on the bus... Pleading with God to guide me, to lead me in my words and actions, to shake me from my fears, to just be there with me throughout. For those of you who know me, i'm petrified of people. So you can imagine, i was trembling in my shoes when i had to buddy a youth on my own, of whom i do not know that well, and a youth that's "at risk".

And i really thank Him for being so thoughtful... It was really nice that i was paired up with this guy whom i had the opportunity to talk to for a bit during a previous weekend when we got to the meet the youths for the first time. Oh, and better still, he is from my alma mata. :-D Father God's so funny.

I was quite alarmed initially when my buddy decided to venture off away from the other groups to forge our own photo trail, but the good side to that was he was so self-motivated that i didn't have to worry all that much about having to ride on the enthusiasm of the other groups to evade the issue of slacking or taking "nonsensical" shots. He pretty much led the way and took quite a lot of good pictures. Ah, God knows what i can and can't deal with.

Ah, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it was a breeze to keep some things in check though.

But after the day was done... i was left with so many thoughts. (I realize why i'm such an apathic, and numb person. It's because when i DO feel and think of stuff, i shove them aside because i'm too lazy and afraid to process them. So much so that it's become habitual.)

Because of that bad habit, i really cannot remember much of what i was thinking of, but the most salient thing that has stuck with me from yesterday is this thought: "So now that everything (your volunteer work) is over, what are you going to do from here?"

Now I remember feeling emotionally drained and even relieved that i didn't need to try so hard to drive things along anymore. Like, "Oh man, thank goodness it's over", and sanity returns to my bones.

But then my next thought was: "Is this where it's just going to end? Are you going to let your life revert back to the comfortable and self-centred trundle? Was this just a one time thing? Is this where your so-called 'caring for others' ends?"

I've already seen and heard bits and pieces of what these youths have gone through, and the kinds of lives they live. My educational pathway has brought me through the portals of the good and not so good schools, and i've seen some of the polar ends and different facets of society. Not many, but my horizons are broadening slowly.

I feel challenged by something or someone as i look back on my life and think about what i want to do for life. Many people in the past month or so have posed me THE QUESTION: So what are you going to do in future as a career?

Often, i give the same answer: "I don't know and i'm lost and still discovering." Perhaps an excuse to buy more time to think about what i'm going to do with myself, and perhaps even, more time to NOT think about it.

I'm now trying to look at my life from a macro point of view and i'm asking myself: What has God been putting me through all these years? And through what he's done, who's that completed person at the end of the road that He's envisioned me to be? Who is she and how will she eventually use what she has to serve Him?

I have less than half a year to get some solid options out on paper.

PS: I feel a sense of profound happiness, pride and fulfilment whenever i look at the straw star he made me, and the lollipop he placed into my hands (i cannot bear to eat it, and the ants must NOT get it!). I smile inside when i think back on how in little ways, he showed his care and consideration for me. :-) Thanks L, despite the things in life that you have to bear with, i truly hope that you'll allow God to work in you and change you into the man he wants you to be.

drawing near

This sounds rash but i'll still say it. I want to always be in a state of spiritual brokenness. Because that's the only time when every song i sing and hear makes so much more personal sense and is filled with so much more meaning than when i am feeling as if everything is going my way. It's the only time when i feel closest to God, that when i pray, i pray with a sense of welcoming emptiness, a sense that God is calling and wanting me to draw near to Him to feel satisfied in Him alone, to fill that void.

But can one "maintain" spiritual brokenness? What "causes" that brokenness? Is it a willful decision or a consequence of environmental events?

Implications... Implications... Hmmm...

***

I was speaking with a friend, and she has neatly summed up the kaypoh-ness that i have, which i think can be an occupational hazard in the psychological/counselling line, into a nice euphemism: Kaypoh = Concern.

I like. Heehee.

I very amused.

Courtesy of Death Predictor

It's pretty much nonsense (see, i AM bored) so i tried it multiple times to see what original silliness they can come up with.

Jo: At age 48 you will die fighting the Interplanetary War on Terrorism on Phobos, a moon of Mars.

jo: At age 27 your prototype flying machine will work, and while aloft on its maiden voyage a passenger jet will take you into it's jet engine, and throw you out as a mist.

jo: At age 62 you will die while partaking in a particularly intense meditation session.

jo: At age 39 aliens will abduct you and use your body for *censored, PG rated blog* before dropping you off outside of a local homeless shelter smelling of beer.

The things people come up with and the things bored people do...

Should i be flattered?

A friend just told me that he thinks i'm a "simple and innocent girl", and that when he first saw me, he knew i was "different", that i was the "smart type, good with studies", "and studying to use up time and get a degree". Despite my probing, he certainly didn't add that i was "nice", which i can agree with since i tend to be miss bossy-domineering-loud.

HAHA.

I guess my interpretation of that would simply be... "Nerd."

*snigger*
Besides, it's hardly surprising.

Bored.

Lets see, what am i doing now on the 3rd day of Chinese Noo Yah................

Ever so often i'm going onto the internet to look for anything to entertain me. Checking my two email accounts over and over, checking for blog comments and tags over and over, reading the blogs of other famous so-and-sos in hope to find that they would've updated or that i'd find a new interesting blog to read... er, over and over.

And then i'm doing my abnormal psych essay. And while i'm stoning away, i watch my cute little cursor (a red colour galloping-on-the-spot horse) do its thing on the screen. Sometimes i'd move my mouse to the right so that Mr Red Horse will look like it's running across my screen.

I'm all alone. For now, at least. And i'm glad for the peace right now.

Oh and hey! I've found a really neat video on youtube. I play the flute every now and then, and i suck pretty bad... This is insanely good stuff! Check out the beatboxing, the flutter tongue, the double and triple tongueing, the breathing technique, the lightning quick fingering, super arrangement, man... this guy owns. He even does Sesame Street and Mario Brothers! (personally, i prefer the inspector gadget and mario ones better)



Ok, joline is officially bored. stay tuned for more nonsense from me if you're as bored as me. i bored, i blog, so if u bored u read. hur hur hur.

I've just snagged myself the cutest guy EVAH.

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Ok, his brother in the background in red is seriously cute stuff too... but he's the moodier one lah. Brian is friendlier! (if you click on the photo to enlarge it, you'll be able to see the mister boy in red clearer.)

Here's another picture of him peeling off the wrapper of a cny goody thing.



note: i realized that the pictures just don't cut it... You've got to see the 2 boys real time, and when you do, it's just the ultimate cuteoverload.

Blessed Chinese New Year Everybody! *warm handshake* I know how it's like to go about visiting, it can be fun and tiring, but on the bright side, hey, you're renewing ties lah, and that should be all gooood, yuh? Oh, and i've prepared an ang pao each for both mom and dad. Ssshhh, don't tell. ;-)

Gosh, my boss was so nice, giving us a lunch treat as well as oranges and *gawwsh*, an ang pao too. I'm still soaking in too much reverence and awe to open it. Yes, i'm a silly girl, i know.

In other good news, Adele is now 95% repaired by resident computer master in the home, daddy. For some reason, Adele couldn't access the internet efficiently and it frustrated me quite a bit. Adele's been sort of reformatted, so things are looking much better. *beams*

***

Another person asked me on friday, "Are you mixed?". This time, i asked him what he meant by "mixed", and yeah, he meant Eurasian. So, in light of my observations of the concurrence of certain points of info, i now conclude that my so-called mixed look is a result of my untannable fair skin (gah...) and my fake red-brown hair (dyed one lor).

***

All i want to do after visiting granny tomorrow is to sit down and do my essay!

Going to sleep now. I survived today on only 3plus hours of sleep, and it was a VERY disturbed 3plus hours of sleep throughout. Thank God for bringing me through.

I met this teacher from church a few years back and she said that based on experience and her observation, she can probably see my future career having to do with things of the heart and emotion, while my sister's future career would deal with practical stuff. She's right, so far.

Hmm.

I'm lost with respect to what i want to do in future. Totally. The steadfastness of wanting to join the SPF as an officer has waned in light of recent life experiences. Perhaps i may still work there, but not as a woman in uniform. I can't say for sure still. I'll see where the Lord draws my heart to.

***

Some people have commented that i looked: "mixed". What do people mean when they say "mixed"? Is there a fixed and understood meaning of it in Singapore? From what i know, if someone wanted to say that you looked Japanese, they would say, "You look a bit Japanese." or, "You look like an Indonesian-Chinese". So, what do they mean when they say "mixed"?

Before running off to feel flattered and blogging about how good i feel about myself for having caucasoid features, i must first ask them what they mean by "mixed". Maybe what i have are actually features of their favourite gold fish or their beloved pet chihuahua.

For the record, and to set it straight, i look completely mongoloid. Slits for eyes, fair yellow toned skin, the works.

But i can still daydream. Haha. *snort*

Do you notice how i write the above as if meaning that having caucasoid features are desirable? Ah, food for thought again on the topic again of what beauty is, yo.

***

I spent V Day with thousands of strong silent types, staring down hard at me as i walked by them... They were knowledgable and complicated people, and i certainly couldn't judge their colourful characters by just their covers. I even got to take some of them into a private room to get a piece of them.

Ok, ok... My day was less exciting than you think lah!

I was surrounded by them reference books and then a room full of photocopying machines at the National Library. *wistful sigh*
No pony riding or sky gazing for Gem and i at the moment. Busy, busy we are.

I've been thinking about this for the past two weeks, on whether i should go back to the good old days of standing in the hot sun or pouring rain in a big field, holding a device that would allow me to kill anything or anyone if i ever happen to lose my grip on sanity.

Yeah, i'm talking about archery.

It's been a really sore point to talk about when people ask me if i'm still shooting. It's usually the same response: "no...., not at the moment." said with a pained and almost apologetic look on my face. But the feelings of missing archery has never dulled.

Too many things converged at one point in my life around 1+ years ago which made me take a break from shooting till this day. It pricks my heart when i look at my bow sitting in a corner, unused and collecting dust. There was a time when the leather case was always covered in respectable mud and dirt from the field. Never dust.

I'm still in the midst of arranging my priorities and time alloted to each goal, so in due time i should be able to see if i can slot in alternate sundays for the sport that i fell hook, line and sinker for.

There is always a spectrum of arguments for the for and against... But still. I really like this advert that i got to know about from www.mrbrown.com:



I'm impressed by what Dove is doing, being proactive and in-your-face about challenging the stereotypes of "beauty". You might say that it's a futile attempt to the change the mind of every single person, given how embedded these ideas already are in society in general.

(but note how at different times in history, different norms were present and lauded! So i'm not saying that being skinny IS BAD, i'm just saying that we don't have to let stereotypes govern our judgements.)

But yet, you've got to hand it to them for stepping out and giving a voice and platform for the inner cries of, dare i say, every woman who wants to be seen as beautiful regardless of stereotypes, in a world such as this.

I find it absolutely thought provoking. Quite an age old topic, but it never fails to cause a stir.

I took a little Dove Self-Esteem Quiz, and i must say that it's spoken right into me quite a bit and practically too, so much so that i've actually written it down in my diary. Feels nice to get some advice that actually makes sense. :-)

OH MY GOSH... This is FREAKY. Ok, i was going to write a new post today about how i feel that my writing style in my posts are beyond poetic (erm, "beyond" meaning on the other polar end of the spectrum). My posts sound exactly the way it would if i were talking to you face to face. Nothing flowery, nothing poignant. Just pure straight talk from a straight up honest girl.

Then i remembered that i wrote this "poem" some time ago... And the topic was also about "the way i write".

And GUESS WHAT. I found the post and "poem" and ......................... discovered that it was also written on the 7th of Feb, 2006. EXACTLY ONE YEAR FROM TODAY.

Do my thoughts and emotions occur in a cyclical pattern or WHAT?! I'm doomed to be a boring person!!!!! *screams and runs around in circles*

Tuesday, February, 7th, 2006

Teehee, i'm no poet, but decided to try my hand at one. So here goes...:

To open thy heart before, 'tis a risk i did take,
But somewhere along the line, i realized i risked forsake.
But sometimes the urge becomes so strong,
So I simply just scribble some obscure song.

Such is the silliness of my public blog,
For one who fears getting severely mobbed.
Hence the things i type and publish,
Are mostly selfish, and some just rubbish.

It's for all to see, this online real estate,
But I know not who treads on this slate.
Nevertheless i thank the readers,
Who've often visited as this Vacuum's feeders.

Deep level discourse and embellished writings i have not,
Breathtaking photos, i also boast naught.
Witty lines and flowing expression,
Are more likely non existent than inner suppression.

Then again there was once a time,
When words arrived so clear and fine.
"Eloquent and articulate" were terms i favoured,
Thoughts borne of conceit and pride, they escalatored.

But then Life had a way to suck me out dry,
I open my mouth and nothing would fly.
When i once could slice a person in half,
Now, I'm as docile as a calf.
(ok, maybe not really. edited: but it rhymes. hahaha.)

I look back upon the days of yore,
When suaning people was never a chore.
Though i'm watered down some with more to learn,
A dagger sharp mind, i still do yearn.

Hence often times i feel the evil green,
Creeping and seeking to consume and preen.
But then i think: "I Am Me",
My value, my worth: In the God i can't see.

So i worry less though still plagued at times,
But i remind myself: Don't waste your time;
"I am who i'm meant to be
Says the God who crafts perfectly".

***

Some of the.. eh.. what do you call them? Stanzas? Some of them are a little obscure because i had to compress a long story into 4 short lines. So even i have to stop to recall what i had meant to say when i was fashioning the stanza.

Off to mug... And wonder about how my mind freaks me out sometimes. Ask Gem, he'll tell you about some of my psychic moments. Muah hahahaa.. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

I'm amused that one of the authors of my british written textbooks has "Woodhead" for his sirname. HAHAHAHA. Kayu!

***

ok, i was surprised but i'm happy nonetheless. Singapore won the ASEAN Football Championship! During the (church) band jamming i had on sunday, i overheard one of my mates say to another: "Singapore will win. Definitely." I was tempted to ask him how he could be so sure and whether... God told you ah?

And the Thais were nice throughout, so yay. :-)

I was amused at myself when i leapt to my feet from my reclining position with my arms flailing in the air and screaming like a loony. The goal was sooooooooo sweet i tell you. Flanked by defenders but he slotted the ball in so seamlessly. Awesome...

***

Speaking of "loony-s". Quite a number of years ago when i was in primary school, i went on a trip to Australia with my family. So there i was at the cashier paying for something and being new to the currency, i wasn't sure which coin was which. The nice lady at the cashier said to me, "there, that one with the Loony behind (the coin)".

Unfortunately for Ignorant Me, i didn't know that the bird engraved "on the back" of the coin was called a "Loony". So i was flipping the coin back and forth, looking for a "Loony". And mind you, the other picture on the flipside of the coin was the picture of the Queen.

Teehee, to someone who knew what a loony was, i probably looked like a cheeky kid who was trying to decide who the Loony was.

On hindsight, my rude mind would probably be adding a caption under that incident: "Which one?"
No offence of course, to the Queen.

***

Anyway, i read through the most recent posts and they sound pretty much like the rantings of a very negative and disturbed person. Truth be told, while i may be the pessimist, i'm not dysfunctional! I may be dysfunctional is some ways, but i'm just an ordinary person who needs to rant and here's the best place because i don't need to pester someone out for coffee so that s/he can listen to me, and you can easily click off to a happier website when you feel like it.

Yesterday i went for my first 3km in almost 2 months ever since i came down with the flu. Wasn't all that enjoyable even though i've lost 1kg and should have felt lighter on my feet. Instead, i've lost the light bounce in my jogging step, and the tightness that i used to feel when i was fit was gone. I had to force my lead weight legs to move faster than a brisk walk. My breathing was heavier and i got tired faster. Looks like i've got to work at it all over again. Man, getting sick messes up your health.

It's only been 2 months since the standard chartered run, but it feels like almost 6 months ago!

Lots of things lined up for me this month. Good friend has left Sg, trying to get into the role of being a buddy leader in cell without cell group meetings, involving myself in Spectra365 that'll require all my wit, heart and soul, getting school work done, doing stuff for a close friend's important day, thinking about my band and how to make things better for them. Even Gem and i haven't spoken a lot. Did someone say "how about V Day?" Probably going to be non-existent.

Tell me how not to be knackered... Mentally and emotionally. And some say spiritually.

I find it sad (ie, as in "of concern" as well as "pathetic") that people would have in mind to harm a fellow human being over a game of soccer, specifically, the Asean Football Championship Finals that will be played in Bangkok this weekend. An Important Game for an Important Sport, yes, Controversial first leg, yes, Glory at stake for the Thailand team, yes, Strong Emotions, yes.

But is turning to violence really necessary? What good would it do for the country, what do they stand to gain except to be remembered as violent uncivilized zealots?

The supporters of our Singapore team who were at the National Stadium were not any better either... They jeered the Thailand team on a couple of accounts, which is altogether nasty and obnoxious behaviour as well. It does nothing to help the situation expect to add fuel to the fire.

Interesting how human behaviour can be so drastic given the "right" conditions.

***

I really hate it how i'm busy with everything except my schoolwork. I'm not being studious here, it's just that DUH, school has started and so school's on top of the list of priorities. I've taken on so many roles, official and unofficial, that i find myself swamped with having to tie a lot of loose ends that can take up an entire morning, or afternoon, or even the whole day. If this keeps up, very soon i'm going to be lagging behind my work and i can't afford to do that given this's my final year.

I'm hoping things will settle down soon. If they don't, i may need to drop something, or i just need to do things faster, or i just need to give up some of my own pleasures, or i just need to use my time even more efficiently. As it is, every second of my time has been used to achieve something that i wouldn't consider a waste of time. The only thing that i refuse to give up so far is my sleep and that's because I just can't function right if i don't get enough sleep.

Well, in a good sense, this probably means that life's been interesting with the variety, with purposes and goals, with minor and major adventures embedded in everything i encounter. Lets just hope that my perfectionist side and high strung self doesn't snap in the midst of all this.

Farewell

All the Best to one of my ACJC mates, Pdus... (i like this photo and knowing that you don't frequent this site a lot, i shall take my chances and post this up. Muah hahaa...)

Study hard ok, and make sure you stay there for the full course term hor! As much as we'll miss you, you better stay there for 5 years and don't come back after 6 months! (but of course, do take holidays back to Singapore won't you)

Who knows, i might join you on the continent near your place of study. ;-) Kangeroos and wombats and koalas, oh my.

Signing up for Spectra365 wasn't an easy decision for me. (and i don't think i made it easier for Lala... Sorry girl. :-S)

Knowing myself, getting involved in community projects are probably one of the last things that i would -willingly- do. The simple reason, as well as irony, is that i fear people. I fear meeting people, i love AND hate small talk, i feel that i'm not a confident person who's settled comfortably into her own skin. And mind you, all these churning in me alongside the desire to be able to help people.

During the decision making process, i had to give up something that although affirmed me in my gifts, it played up my ego (the bad side to serving on stage). It was either that, or joining the project. But something in me would not allow myself to have any peace if i didn't commit a handful of saturdays to the project. With much struggling and deliberation, i said "yes". In that same instant, i felt very strongly that i did the right thing BUT, i also felt jittery. I could feel the skeletons in my closet clattering away in anxiety.

The first day of Spectra365 came and left, seeing around 80-90 young volunteers going through a ropes course to build up our confidence, to enable us to see the parallel between that and what was to come.

Sometimes you just need to take the first step to overcome your fear. It doesn't mean your fear disappears, it just means that you managed to pluck up the courage to face the challenge. Also, we learnt that we need to face our challenges alone at times, and that we may not always have the benefit of having people around us to cheer us on. Yet, that doesn't mean that we stop in our endeavours. So, the upcoming challenge for all of us will be meeting, bonding and working together with youths at risk in the saturdays ahead.

Previously, at the point of saying yes to the project, i was under the impression that we were going to be dealing with children. But as things moved along, we were recently told that we were going to deal with youths (13 to 20-ish years old).

I baulked at first. Scared out of my wits. With youths, you inevitably get a more complex person to deal with.

But then it dawned on me... How i used to tell myself that given a choice, i'd rather be with secondary school students if i ever got to be a teacher. In other words, i realize that this is the perfect opportunity for me to reach out to the very group of people i want to, without having to be a teacher, and they're not just any "regular" youths in that general sense, but youths who will require something extra.

I know it'll be naive of me to think that i can 100% change or be a 100% ultra-positive-impact on someone's life in only a few days, but that isn't going to stop me from trying my best to do what i can.

And so it is with cheerful anxiety and joyous fear (plus cranking and storing up on the PR juices) that i'll wait till the day that i can meet the youth that i'll be attached to. Girl or guy, it doesn't matter... Lets see what magic we'll create together when we go on our photo taking trip at the end of Feb!

(Note: we're to take about one or a few days to break the ice with the youths at the beneficiaries' place, then there'll be a designated route for a photo taking trip where we'll work together with the youths to take photos together)

I'm probably going to need to study some national geographic magazines while i'm preparing for it though. My knowledge of photography is sooo limited. Teehee.

This is self centred, but it's true... It hurts me when i can't say the right things to help someone because i can't fully read, comprehend and understand the pain a friend is going through.

I have long "prided" myself in the ability to see where someone was coming from and therefore give advice that is most relevant and that hits the nail on the head; to speak words that make a friend feel genuinely better, such that they really feel like the load on their shoulders has lifted. I enjoy being able to do that, to be there for others as the listening ear and soggy but firm shoulder. (Hence my chosen major in psychology too, a decision i made in secondary school)

But things have kind of changed and I'm sick of saying "i understand", only to say, in the next moment, something that they don't agree with.

I also find myself always trying to be everyone's best friend, and don't ask me how this came about. I've long given up on the notion of "best friends", since primary school (see how cynical i was already?).

But yeah, i have a tendency to hope that people would share their lives with me, that they would feel comfortable enough to open up and talk about their innermost feelings, thoughts and plans, as well as their struggles. Truly, i do feel sad when i feel like i can't connect with someone at that level.

Honestly and i'll admit that I think that a lot of this "wanting to feel close to and feeling like i can help someone", though is well meaning on my part for the benefit of the other person, is also a lot about trying to fill up a void in me caused by years of feeling rejected.

Strangely, in trying to be someone's best friend, to be someone who's needed by someone else, the tables are turned: it becomes me needing to cling onto someone(s) to have that feeling of security of being wanted.

I can't remember the last time i bared my soul to a friend. It's as though as the years progress, my friends all lie on the same plane. Don't get me wrong, i've got quite a few people i consider good, and very good friends. But somehow no one really gets past the smooth glass floor that separates my soul from them. You can look through it, you can see what's happening beneath, but you can't crash through it to be fully immersed in my life.

So there seems to be two issues at hand here.
1. Feeling that people don't open up - is it something wrong on my part, too high expectations of others? perhaps i'm just not someone they want to speak to after all.
2. Is there something i'm subconsciously holding back on my side?

Obviously, i have no clue about this... And i've just realized that this is a darn honest blog post. Well, it's a "thinking out loud" post after all: More personal, less politically correct and it's got way more sensitive information.

Actually, i've recently decided that apart from my vital stats and where i live and other information, i'm going to allow myself to be more honest and i won't really care too much about how it's all going to sound. I suppose i'm practicing the skill of "getting to the point" when talking about how i truly feel. Hence "thinking out loud".

I guess i could suppose also that the very people who see posts like these from now on do get to see a bit of my soul after all... (i wonder who has stuck around since 2003??? It's been quite boring along the way, i'll be the 1st to confess) You, my thevacuum readers, of whom are friends i see every now and then, others i reckon i'll never see but still leave me comments of which i really appreciate, and better yet, those who will never reveal themselves to me.

***

From June 13, 2006.

I really should stop taking photos that are simply look-at-camera-and-smile types. B-O-R-I-N-G.

Remembering that i had a memory triggering aid in the form of a CD with a sizeable number of photos of my JC mates, i sifted through my pile of CDs, found it and popped it into the drive.

I'm smiling as i click through and view them one by one. The ones that especially trigger those feelings of nostalgia and that fuzzy warmth are those that capture in a sweet frame our madcap antics, smiles that were caught in a split second without the purposeful bunching of certain muscles for that practiced smile some of us have tried to perfect.

The best pictures are those that allow you to see more than a smile plastered on a face, the kind that reveals to the viewer the reflection of the sentiment(s) of that moment through the body language of the photo's subjects. It's a joy to see us close friends just being ourselves, the way we are.

And then i think, we don't always have to smile for photos, do we? Yeah. We don't.

Think about how different it would be if we took photos of ourselves in times when we are feeling anguish, when our eyes are sore and swollen with prolonged crying, when our faces reflect emptiness, dull from the sapping of all positivity.

If photos are about capturing moments to remember, are not times of unhappiness worthy of being remembered, or captured, too? Thinking back on events past and seasons of our lives need not always have to stir good emotions. Our lives are a collection of far more than that.

Life is equally ugly as it is beautiful.

(and oh how i've been living up to this... haven't graduated to crying pictures yet though)

I saw you on those pages and read the things that you've accomplished: your title, your place, your position, the people around you... you seemed loved by all and you were looking good. I found myself admiring you, and then found myself wondering why i was even admiring you.

Why was i drawn to your fame and success?

In the past, i never really understood the thing about fame and success because i felt that it wasn't something that applied to me. It was something "other people" faced, and although there will always be a degree of wanting some kind of fame, i knew that part of me was well in check, and it was something i could handle easily.

But when i saw what you had and who you had become, there was a sudden longing to want to be associated with you again.

I surprised myself with the intensity of my emotions. I felt like i, and what i had, was lacking. And i somehow wished that i, or the people around me could measure up to you... so that i could have someone or something to boast about. I used to take pleasure in speaking of you, did you know that? I loved how people gawked and thought that you were so amazing.

I can't do that anymore though. Though there's only one degree of separation, we're figuratively worlds apart now.

Catching myself in that instant, i felt the reality of what has been said before.

Why do i need to concern myself with other people's lot in life? Each of us has been given an individual and unique life to lead, all of them different. Some of us bask in the limelight, some of us work in the background, all at different times, in varying degrees, or none at all. It's just the way things are.

When we place our self worth against the standards of the world, we will live quite consistently sad and dissatisfied lives until we see ourselves redeemed in some worldly accepted way. So for the rest of the time in life, we'll be consciously or subconsciously longing and slaving away to reach and grasp some kind of redemption to comfort ourselves, that we've managed to achieve "a level of dignity".

For those few minutes as i sat there with dread and envy rolled into one, i tasted the true and raw emotions of what it was like to feel worthless according to the world's standards. And it was heart wrenching, condemning, bitter, evil, heavy and depressing.

As i said, than i began to wonder why i was even feeling that way... and i collected the pieces of myself that were all over the floor and came to realize the truth: My worth and my identity is in Christ, in God. And when Christ is who i'm rooted in, what the world holds in acclaim hasn't even got a place of importance in my heart. Truthfully, what God thinks of me matters so much more then anything or anyone else. Really, nothing that i achieve matters in His eyes because he's looking at my heart and soul, not what my heart and soul achieves. I'm already special, already perfect and pleasing to God.

In those short moments, i experienced both the insecurity of worthlessness, and the security of being found in God, swinging from heavy heartedness to blessed freedom. And i know that i wouldn't want to compare myself with anyone ever again, because it really hasn't got any logical sense to do so. My life's worth is not measured by the number of titles that the world clamours after, but by whether i have, in my capabilities, lived out this life's lot that i was given, to the fullest.

I have a beautiful piece of news, and it's all thanks to GOD!

Well, last year i was in a tough administration fight with SIM over the schedule of my modules: the only two modules that i can take this semester clash, same day, same time. So that meant that i had no choice but to make certain sacrifices as to which lessons i could go for.

Then, shortly after i gave in to the rigid system, with horror i realized that both these modules fall on friday night, that is, the night on which i have cell group, kinda like a bible study group.

Cell group has been a very integral part of my life since 2004, because it's where my life took a turn for the better as i grew in my walk with the Lord. With this additional problematic layer, i ultimately had three things at the same time and i can't possibly tear myself into 3 parts.

I spoke to some of my church mates about this, and they prayed for me and the situation, and submitted it to God.

Well, yesterday i checked my timetable again and without notice from the school, i discovered that both my modules have been shifted to mondays. Which means that fridays are free for cell group! Praise God!

My modules still clash, but i'm sure, without a shadow of a doubt, that i can triumph over this with God by my side.

Like what Mer, WR and Dom have said, God has a beautiful way of working with and for his people as he works behind the scenes to bring us through. Even in times when things look so impossible, look up to the one who specializes, masters, majors, in impossibilities, and you'll know that he'll take care of it in his time according to his plan.

Somehow, i wasn't worrying too much about this before because i knew that God wouldn't want me to miss out on cell group, which is a place where we come together to praise and seek God and fellowship with other Christians, UNLESS he had other plans for me. Like, going to another cell group? Haha.

Thanks to all of you who've been praying and asking me about the state of school affairs.

So yeah, bring it on! I'm all prepared, and ready.

I know my doggy loves me when he chooses to lie down *on a location* near me in the same room even when he has the obvious choice of trotting over to my sis's room to snuggle deep underneath the duvet on her bed that's perpetually undone: perfect for a small dog to burrow into on a chilly sunday morning.

Note i said *on a location*, and not *next to me*, because he still insists on having some level of creature comfort, ie, sleeping on a soft, squishy surface. He hopped onto my lap a while ago as i was surfing the net at my dad's study table, presumably to analyze his snooze location but found it wanting. (oooh, am i not soft and squishy? i suppose that would be good news for me... muah hahahaa)

After some room exploration, he discovered that there was a mattress drapped upon the massage chair that he could snooze on. Reading his body language (he tip toes, standing on his 2 hind legs and lifts his head up to peer at his destination with longing), i figured the mattress was too high for him to hop onto so i gave him an express lift and so he's now lounging satisfied and peacefully asleep. (mom and dad would balk at this but i don't care. teehee.)

I love, love, love, Jed... and the communication and bond that we have. :-) There are just some things that simply can't be bought by food, which is almost pretty much the source of motivation for a lot of things.