I am Malfunctioning (edited here and there)

Germ:
SIGH... Wanna HUUUUUGGGG you now man. :-( YESSSSSsssss, sisterhood reigns supreme!!! Glad you dropped a message. Feeling quite beat up. Cannot WAIT for the exams to be over.
I do hope that you are doing ok on your side...

ARGH! Sorry... i updated this post and i lost your comment in the process...

*** ***

I tell you, this is getting from bad to worse.

I don't know who i precisely am, something i should've figured out, at least in part/good part, during my teens years, theoretically speaking.

The main issue:
Am i truly noisy, or truly quiet?
Extroverted, introverted?
Or both?
Or do certain people/environments bring out different sides to me?
I think that's mostly the case...?
Then again, it that really?
As i've said, i'm not sure about anything about myself.

On one hand, i can be so chirpy, enthusiastic, loud, sharp... The Life. I feel the need for attention, the need to contribute actively to whatever's going on.

On the other hand, I am pleased to merely sit all by myself and get lost in my thoughts. Not just alone even, I can do that even in the middle of a bustling Orchard, Mall, etc. And it feels good to be in my own little world of rubbish thoughts.

Sometimes, i scream inside because i want to be heard and to be loud and chirpy, but instead, i'd be polite and "nice" on the outside. And quiet. Where the * did quiet come from, from joline's profile?!?!???!
Most of my friends who've been with me over the years, know that i am SO NOT QUIET.

Of late:
I think i am sinking into a stupor of sometimes thoughtless instances, sometimes thoughtful but aimless and rubbishy instances.
I am becoming spaced out, blur, limbo-ish, SLOW.
Don't mistake my thoughtfulness as "deep".
My thoughts run wild, replaying events/conversations, revolves around self centred issues...
I am forcing myself to seem cheerful. To seem like i am a good conversationalist.
When inside, i just feel like shutting up and spacing out.

Is this just simply a phase everyone has at some point in time?
Or is there something about me that's really changing?
Or am i just... simply put: STRESSED?

I've become more anti-social as well. SERIOUS.
Man... when i came to SIM, i was bursting with energy, not tiring from helping others and making friends...
But now, i don't feel like i want to talk to anyone, i feel like simply isolating myself, get the lecture/tutorial over with and dash on home.

BUT...
This, i realize when i search myself.

It's not that i really WANT to space out or run away from everyone.
What i think is causing my anti-socialness is BECAUSE... I have not found someone, or a group of people whom i can REALLY, relate to, 100%.
Someone/some people whom i can easily say to (like, out of the blue?): "Ok, i need to shit..." (or something like that)

The people i've met, mostly, are basically all nice. But all things conversational stop at school work.
I've tried to get a little more personal. But doesn't really last.

But of course, i must hasten to add that there are TWO who come somewhat close to more than just schoolmates. I appreciate them... A lot.

It's not anyone's fault. I'm just in a different environment, with loads of different people around me...
And unfortunately, have not met other completely-joline-compatible-jigsaw pieces.

I'm sure I don't have to go into detail about finding Mr Right either.
WHAT are the friggin' chances?!

SO... i guess the reason why i feel so anti-social is because i feel kinda, actually mildly depressed over not having a friend whom i can identify with, spill all the nonsense, and talk about things heart to heart without being PRETENTIOUS.

Ok, so i really miss having that kind of intimate friendships i am/was used to having.

Perhaps i'm not being myself either anyway.

To all those who have felt that in some way, i have not done you any justice as a friend...
I AM SORRY. Tell me to my face if you feel you really have to.

*** ***

Went out with an archer friend today.
I was thinking: "Man, he sounds just like me last time, when i used to try to make conversation with a quiet friend."

I'm awfully sorry. I was so lost in my thoughts and this limbo state.

Put two people together who think about things and you have a SilentFest.

I've yet to know more about him, though so far he seems to come across as a kind hearted, good citizen, thoughtful (both as in "considerate" and "a thinker") person.
GO YOU, Mr Nice!
Heh, and he can come up with quite farni lines that just crack me up.

Come to think about laughter...
I'll be really honest and say that i've not had ONE seriously, LONG, HEARTY, totally REAL SINCERE laugh/guffaw/howl/cackle/HEE!HEE!HEE!!!, over ANYthing in a very very long long while.

I miss that kind of release. It just makes the being feel so much lighter, so joyful, so warm inside. SO REAL.
But i've not had that. And i miss it.

*** ***

Sheesh... WHY? I am OVER him! Why is it that thoughts of him keep drifting into my thoughts?!?! I can understand if this happens around Feb because maybe i still have some deep, inset, cognitive thing about the break-up, which happened then.
But it's not Feb.

I DIDN'T ask for these thoughts to come, they just do. I DON'T want them to! I have a life to live, more important things to channel my thoughts to.

But maybe it's because of unsettled issues.

To make things worse, i actually had a dream last night that included him. GEE! NONSENSE!

*** ***

I checked my email to be surprised by a not-pertaining-to-official-business from The One... Unmentionable.

One thing to say:
I hate archery politics, X suggests i get involved as a member, X made his intentions clear.
I am torn between LOYALTY/OBLIGATION and "WHAT'S BEST FOR THE CLUB".

If i vote for A, and A wins, X'll be pretty dang pissed and will most probably make my life difficult in archery.

If i vote for X, and X wins, A'll be feeling pretty dang betrayed and might kill me the next time if they come back into power.

Analysis of A:
A hasn't really given me full reason to believe in them if they were to remain in charge of the club. They failed me once and it has hurt very badly.
On the other hand, they were the ones who took me in, believed in me, taught me. And more or less got the AAS moving after years of stagnation.
But even then, ACS has been almost lifeless and nobody really knows what's going on with our club.
If however, A is ousted from this club, they have nothing left except to set up their own club or something. This seems to be the only thread they have. Can i deny them of it?

Analysis of X:
X has now gotten power and i'm not sure how long the reign will be. He in some way has brought archery up, but only to stagnate after a while when i *think* complecency set in.
Now, he claims to bring back the vigour and life, get things moving again. I've seen that in other aspects, shifting this and that, causing some mayhem...
But one thing, they can't seem to update the friggin' website on upcoming events, is that SO friggin' difficult???!!
In fact, SURPRISE, SURPRISE, the only thing they updated on the website is...
Their own NAMES as the new office bearers.
They claim they are still settling and have no time. Ok... is that a valid reason, or an excuse to blot out a glitch in their so called efficiency?

SO.

Whatever it is, if i vote in favour of X, life in archery might not be too bad for me.
But then, i will be throwing my archery presence into the hands of political fiends (shall i add an adjective before that? Hm.) who i cannot trust entirely. AND, i will lose trust from the other side. Failed loyalty.

WHAT TO DO?
I am torn between, voting for the good of the club, for my own good, or for the good of the party who helped me from the start.

Lord Help... Help me to make a wise decision.

Till Then.
*Will prolly be silent as i have a major assignment to finish*

Personal Disclosure (long ramble, be warned)

Alwyn:
All that money for just the memory cards for the dream machine...? woohoo! So, to get or not the get.
Well, i believe that if you feel you want it so bad, it's going to work for you and it's calling to you... considering you won't be penniless for the next month that you live on cabbage soup, then perhaps it'll be a worthwhile investment.
By the way, them shots of the cameramen and the atheletes was just truly amazing. Felt like one was transported right to that spot in Athens. Goodness... the whole array of spiffy equipment was just gawk worthy!
About the coach. Sounds pretty likely. Think he's waiting me out, and in the meantime, trying to get me to do my part to show some merit as well. The question though, is timing/when. Because of the politics involved, timing is crucial.
Glad you like the card. :-D

*** ***

And the dog muses about the meaning of life.



Been thinking and wanting to blog this down before, just never got down to it after it was erased forever due to my carelessness. Ok, i've also forgotten the most part of it.
I think this post is going to be very haphazard-like as my thoughts are little fragments floating about in space.
Here goes:

*** ***

I guess i'm very much the traditionalist. Amidst much talk about people losing values to become more secular, i guess i still belong to the "old" traditional type, when it comes to relationships.
I am inclined to think that more shallow relationships tend to occur between people of a certain group type.
Feel free to enlighten me about your thoughts on that.

Anyway, i don't drink, not even for social purposes. Maybe only if my family has decided to open one of the numerous hamper alcoholic drinks.
Eg. XO and the like.

Never smoked, never done drugs, don't enjoy getting piss drunk, i haven't been to places most people my age and younger even, frequent. I am quite happy staying out of them.
I feel like i've broken the law already just by skipping one class.

I don't believe in slutting around, i don't believe in being cheap.
I am the quite low maintenance type.
But of course, it'd be nice if the guy is naturally sweet...

If i like a guy... sigh. I'd never be the one to tell him first. Well at least, i've never done that so far. I may... if circumstances push me that far. I've never pursued anyone explicitly.
I like it the other way around, really.
At most, i'd... Oh wait! This is public! Mustn't expose tactics or else i might draw weird stares from guy friends!!!

I gotta admit that single life frees me from committment, being accountable for anything. I don't owe anyone an explanation for where i've been, who i've talked to, what i'm doing. I'm free to go out with whichever guy friend i like and no one other than parentals, can say no.

But there comes a point when as a single who's experienced a relationship before, feels lonely and longs for that loving partnership one can have with someone one has deep feelings and cares for. That special someone in life.

And it has to be this time when the feeling has to hit. When i'm still in first year uni.
I know now, that studies and a relationship don't go hand in hand for me. UNLESS, my partner is the sort who totally understands my style and can leave me alone for long stretches of time.

I'm the sort who needs space. I don't like being restrained as i like my freedom. The more one controls me, the more angry i get and the more likely that i'll retaliate.
If one can give me space, that's one major point.

I guess there's one person who has the qualities of someone i could be with. BUT, to be true to the both of us, i had to be honest and tell him that i felt that somewhere, there's something that doesn't quite go, between us.
I think it hurt him because it was only after one year (and feelings grow) that i told him the truth.
We are good friends now, not uncomfortable with that fact. It is this one aspect about him, maturity about "rejection", that i really like about him.
(isn't rejection such an ugly word? But i lack a better one)

Then there was this other person. Not sure if he still reads this blog. I know he commented once looong time before about something i wrote, but that was yonks past.

Just because of my restrictive parents, that i think played a part in making me Queen Suaku of the Universe, i missed two events that were important to two guy friends.

One of which is the one i mentioned about 2 paragraphs up. After the ex, he was the one and first guy i actually liked. A LOT.
For a time, we seemed pretty close and i thought: Hey, gosh... I really like him. It looks like it's going somewhere.

But since that one particular day, he more or less disappeared. He is now nothing but an occasional "hello, ..."

I had no idea why that had to happen.
Was it because she could step in when i couldn't?
You don't know how much it hurt when you told me... But who am i to voice it. It's your life.
Of which i play no part anymore, i think.

Or were we just too different in your eyes?

Anyway, no hard feelings at all. Nope, nope, none at all.

Ah hah. Then i shocked myself not long ago.

All along, i thought i had my heart under control. That i was smart, all knowing about who i wanted and who i didn't want. I thought i was very well versed already with matters pertaining to my heart.
But BOY! Was i horribly wrong...

I thought i would never fall for another suger coated tongue..
I thought i knew what i wanted and would never fall for that again.
But no. I entirely outdid myself.
Not only was he really good with words, we had different beliefs and values.

I told myself long before, to never fall for it but i did. I was so sure of myself. But i ended up betraying myself, my God. I was so BLIND.

NOTE: It's not that i view relationships with differing religions as abhorrent. It is merely a rule i follow and adhere to, that as a Christian, my partnership must be with someone who loves the same God. So, it is a fault on my part to have given in. To say i was blind, is not because you're a worthless, bad person that i should never have bothered about. It is just that i have failed in something and failed someone that i hold dear.

So.

The problem is, i am a hopeless romantic. The type who falls for sweet mouths.
They make me feel special, wanted, treasured, loved, warm inside.
But of course, the downside is, there's the insecurity that he's like that to every other female. That no one is really special anyway.
And that it's just another tactic to string the hopeless romantics along.
Or just some ego trip?

I tell myself: I've learnt already, I know now... I'm not stupid anymore.
But you know, i'm not so sure of myself anymore.
That was exactly what i told myself before but see what happened.

Perhaps it was a humbling experience from God above.
Thank you Lord for showing me that.

I'm not sure when i'll meet my match. I'm not sure if i ever will. Honestly, as i've said before...

I'm weird, i'm not like a lot of girls.
I'm not demure, nice-type, pretty, slim, gentle... I'm not from any some such coveted university.

I'm not brilliant like Ho Ching, i'm not the other Joline Lim, from HCJC. Dangit, she's a scholar!
I am not outstandingly talented.
I am not tall. I don't have nice legs.

Stocky and muscular, for you?
No thanks? Ah, i thought so.

Apart from looks, who i am, the eccentric little goose, greatly sieves or filters the kind of guys i meet and the kind of guys who accept me for who i am.
Let alone the guys who actually end up liking me.

Sad eh?

Anyway, at least something wants my attention now. Yes, what is it?
Crud.

Till Then.
*Critical review of a psychological research journal article*

Do i dare hope?

Alwyn:
Thanks for those tips there. Though i have no idea how to fiddle around with the camera since it's rather automated. But i'll figure something out.
My sister is another of the type that, if you out her with a camera and food, she'll take photos of the chopsticks, food, plates...etc, at very close range for the angles.
I wonder how much that camera you long for costs.

*** ***

I went over to the other range (where the national team was training) to get help from the coach to adjust my bow. Ended up being quite an affair. Jia lat, i felt so bad can.
But they were just so nice. Thanks guys... I SO appreciate it.

I wanted to head back to the usual range but decided against it in the end and so i shot there.
Today, i had the first time ever chance to shoot at 50m. There weren't no 30m target so i had to join the NUS archers at 50m.

I never really wanted to try because i was afraid i'd lose arrows in the thick mimosa patch at the usual range.
But this range's grass was tame enough to risk it.

Onto the matter i am concerned about. The Team.

Coach seemed so so so so so sure of getting me in, from the time he ever suggested putting me in (months ago) till this day.

He happily introduced me to the NUS archers.
And coach blatantly told them that i'll be part of the team (and he gestures with a wide arm stroke) "very SOON". He emphasizes on the "soon" so hard my nerves felt like it was dragging back and forth on sandpaper.

I am not exaggerating my case, i am merely recounting this event.

And he tells me, "You'll be part of the team one day, you know most of them already right? I'll introduce you. (Jo: no!no!!!) Why so shy?!"

*** ***

The situation, to me, looks very bleak and i have no idea how and why he can be and seems so confident about it.
He shouldn't be so blatant about it if he can't even guarantee it.

But what i do think is, is that i will need to put in effort to show that i am worthy of my place.
Initially, my supposed entry was on a recommendation basis.
But i believe now, that i have to get in also by merit.

Which is why i've been told to go for the archery Pesta Sukan this week. No problem. I'm on about it. In C Class division, so not much expectation.
BUt of course i'll be going in with a competitive spirit.

Coach says to take part in the archery Pesta Sukan, then join in in the Monthly Trials. (in other words, shoot 70m with the national team and take down scores. and have them posted up i think. WA... PAI SEH. I am only a weekend warrior!)
*YIKES!!!*

NOTE: But ONLY IF there even is a Class C division for compound archers. It's usually for only standard recurves.

Can you imagine??? All my life, i've never actually gone for a public, sporting competition. HELLO? I'm like Queen Suaku of the Universe who vegetates and lives like a hermit most of the time.

Coach still thinks i can make it for the SEA Games next year. I have NO IDEA.
He seems to have a lot of faith in me, though i am inclined to think that he is doing a "coach thing"... IOW, psyching me up?

Some dude: "YEAH! Go for the SEA Games... We're gonna kick some ass."

Let's be clear on this. I am no longer going to ask about "my forms" anymore. All i know is that i am going to do all i can to achieve my aspirations.

And this is what i believe:

If he, as an experienced coach, can tell me from the moment he saw me that i can make it, i believe that i can make it.
I will have to put in effort, go through setbacks and plateaus and slumps too.

I am not saying i can impress you immediately with my shooting.
But i know i have the potential, and so i will try.

I wonder what would've happened if i didn't go to that range today. I think i never would've gotten to hear about the team thing.

Sheesh. THe coach pisses me off sometimes.
I have put a lot of faith in him but he has failed me many a times. He treats me funny also.
I think i treat him funny too. Reason being i have no idea how casual one can be with the coach.

So i am a mixture of a bundle of nerves as well as an over polite Japanese. And you do know that the Japanese are already very polite as it is.

I cranked up the poundage to 34 yesterday.
WOOHOO! Weekend Warrior is moving along! I could hardly pull 35 pounds a few months ago.
Understandably, i awoke this morning with my back muscles aching. But i like the ache.

I learnt a few things yesterday.

1. In archery, best to keep up a poker face at all times.
2. Try to remain emotionless, both inside and outside. Never allow emotion to set in. It wrecks havoc in the concentration department.
3. Blank out! Space out... It makes the people watching from behind you disappear. It becomes just the target and you after that.

*** ***

"Jesus is in the middle of the picture! Is He in the middle of your life?" courtesy of Pappert Plastic Card Co.


*** ***

On to the last lap of of assignments, before mugging of exams come underway.

I am so excited about the Pesta Sukan (IF there's a compound division). heh, heh. If i go, I'm not exactly confident of winning anything because i don't know who my competitors are.

But i am going there to compete with all of the beginner's skill i possess, know what it's like, show myself what i'm made of and improve in areas where i am lacking.

You heard that dad? You think i have no fighting spirit. But you are wrong.


Till Then.
*SlogFest*

Olympic Medal for Singapore? BOLEH! (i hope)

These were pictures that turned out highly UNsuccessful because:
1. the camera was in the hands of inexperienced me.
2. of my stubborn sister.
SHE was the one who told to me scramble to the window and take a picture when SHE the more BRILLIANT photographer refused to come and help me.

Alwyn, wanted to message you about it because you would've done a good job at capturing it, but i pai seh lah.

The moon was full and radiating its lunary light. And the clouds was in strips across the moon in a ladder like and zig-zag manner. And when the pins of light from the moon piercd through the clouds, the effect was just breath taking.

The moon was SPECTACULAR. Anyone who enjoys sky gazing like me would've loved it.
But dangit, these photos do no justice but i will put them up anyway because i meant to.

The Best shot, which did NO justice to its actual beauty.


Zoomed in on the moon. SO unsuccessful.


*** ***

I turned on the tv to support Ronald Susilo,
And he lost.

I turned on the tv to watch the women's archery finals, and supported the Chinese Taipei girl.
And she lost.

So, i will do a good deed for all of Singapore and not turn on the tv to support Li Jiawei.

And for good measure, i won't even post anything supportive here.

By the way, i thought shuttler Chen Hong from China was cute.
Or maybe the cuter one between the him and the Korean shuttler.

9:33pm
ARGH!!! She lost the chance at a silver or gold!!! Feel bad for her.

*hmm...*

Germ:
I sputtered (amidst amused laughter) when i read about the old folks thingy.
About foul language. Funny as it may seem and perhaps not understandable to certain people, i find that it sort of helps let off steam, the anger. Basically because the words are angsty words. Coupled with the high strung emotions one feels, it makes letting out the boil inside effective to an extent.
I might say "FISH!" but i really mean F--K. So, who am i kidding right.
Not saying that therefore it is justified, but that's just an explanation on my part.
Think i will yak about good and bad Christians below.
Rant, i will. Aiyo, but sometimes... something i think my rantings are just childish prattle, so small compared to things of the bigger picture.
*throws hands in air* AAAIII!! Going mad now. hehehe, ah, let's meet after the exams.

Alwyn:
Because i'm not well versed with the other areas... How do you think the officials contributed to Susilo's downfall?
Seems his girlfriend is doing very well. I think she's advanced into the Semis already.

*** ***

1.
Can anyone get as paranoid as me?

It seems that everytime a family member leaves the house, or, leaves to get the car to pick the rest of us up, or if a family member goes overseas for a while...

I ALWAYS think that they WOULDN'T come back alive.

I would be approached by the police to identify the person, or the police would call me up to inform me of the grave news or something.

As i have said so a long time before. I keep thinking of death related things.
And i don't know why.

Am i being plagued by little bad creatures?

I had wondered before if i needed deliverance.

2.
Does doing bad things really not make one a bad Christian? If being a Christian striving to be like Christ, being perfect in all ways, is good, then any form of badness would fail me in some sense as a Christian, wouldn't it?

But then, David was like God's pal of sorts, eventhough he was not perfect at all and did all sorts of horrid things.
I'm sure people we consider strong and good Christians today aren't perfect either.
They are sinful too but yet shine for the Lord.

So, what is the definition of a "bad" or "good" Christian?

The very basic fact is, we are ALL SINNERS. We will sin at some point in our lives. We give in to temptation sometimes eventhough God never allows more than we can handle.
We might do many other things. Like gossip, slander, have lustful thoughts, treated people badly, unreasonably lost our temper, etc.

Perhaps after all of it, what defines good or bad boils down to our relationship with God.
How much we value Him, how much we desire to walk with Him. How much we want to please Him, and lots of other things.

I never studied divinity or studied any scriptures lah, so forgive my less than professional theological speech.

Who is to say what is bad or good?
If someone who claims to be a Christian, but couldn't give a two hoot about following God, does that make him a bad Christian?

Maybe it was just one aspect of sinning.
Perhaps "bad Christian" is just a temporary label.
But some people carry it to their graves, without any conviction of what they've done, i'm sure.
But then again, do they finally repent when they find that things spin out of their control?

I think the only reason why "good" Christians stay as such, even though they've sinned, is because of their sincere desire FOR GOD.
If they have a sincere desire FOR GOD, then wouldn't they strive at all costs to do what is right, all the time?

Ok, so let's say they gave in to sin. They WOULD note that, and repent. That shows they care about the relationship with God. For that is honouring God, no?

So what consitututes as sin?
Herein lies finally the question.

What "bad things" can one do as a "good" Christian, such that it is not a sin?

GEe, i'm floored... I already feel SO awful after skipping a class. (right Vicki?)
Silly as it may sound.
Sometimes i can't even tell the difference between the Holy Spirit and my personality type, the very LAW ABIDING sort. So, Conscience speaking or Holy Spirit? Or are they one and the same?

Ok, so here's the anti-climax.
Whatever's bad, that is SIN, is whatever 's against God's wishes. BUT...

If ONLY God had compiled a modern Version 1.0 of the "Sin List".
At least then paranoid people like me can check against it and rest easier about life.

What was that i've been yabbering?

Till then.
*puny little underworked brain is reeling already... too many questions.*

Various scrapings.

Liting:
Greetings, nice to hear from you! Great thing about blogs, no? Unless they aren't read. Anyway...
Well, birds of a feather flock together don't they? Perhaps i wouldn't have it any other way. I met you guys, and that's what made JC bearable and i have been taught numerable lessons. You were a blessing! And i thank God.
I am taking the friday the 13th shelling better than i would have, than if it hit met earlier.
I figured that if i cannot join and train via recommendation, i will join them via my own merit. In other words, i will go out there and take part in competitions. I cannot expect too much from myself considering i only practice once a week. But i will give my best of course, with whatever i can.
There's something i believe in, but i feel it inappropriate to declare at this point.
But yeah, i've gotten my bow back, after quite some confusion. I tell ya, i am suitably cheesed off by the new archery management.
And why does your life sound so torturous???? 5 hours of sleep everyday???

Alwyn:
YOU DIDN'T?! (oh, thank heavens!) By the way, i think we had quite a number of concerts till i cannot remember which exactly was the one. ER, which means i cannot remember ever playing the school anthem as an encore. Maybe, i do, but hazily... What i DO remember though, was that the following day, 92.4fm (the classical radio station) played one of the songs we played that night on air.

Huimin:
Nope, i didn't sell my bow. I'm a member of an archery club and so it is legal to keep my equipment. I doubt i'd ever sell it because i love the sport, i still plan to shoot and if possible, i want to go for competitions.
Guess i feel crabby about it all, mostly at the management. But i'm taking it all right.

J.:
Ayee.... batch 2002... then i must've seen you somehow, somewhere. If you don't mind me asking... which class?

Miss_D:
Arllo. I'm doing ok... Not fantastic. I'm pissed inside but things will iron out somewhat. I hope. I hope. All i know is, i've got me bow back and i don't like the new archery management one bit and if i could, i would storm to the fella's office and give him a piece of my brilliant, highly moralistic mind.

*** ***

1.
A friend is selling mooncakes part-time. Got samples to try too. Oh, how fun.

2.
Twice, i was awoken by my OWN reaction to very realistic dreams.

First dream:
Unmentionable. So all i can say is that in my dream i hissed: "If you do that again, i will really hit you."
In response, that putrid person in my dream repeated the action and i swung at the person.
And so i woke up with a start when i apparently swung my right arm out in a bid to mash that person.
Good thing i didn't fall off the bed of hit anything.

Second Dream:
I dreamt that while playing with my beloved dog, he jumped too hard, flew, and landed sprawling on the hard ground with a chilling and sickening clatter (of bones against the cold, hard floor).
With that, i woke up, almost SAT up, with a moderately loud gasp.

The second dream really scared me. Thought my dog was done for.

3.
I've been spending a lot.
Man, sometimes i hit this period of "i need this and this, and this, and this, this too, oh yum and that ..."

Other times, i stinge so much i would refuse to even buy something that costs $4-

This time it was on snacks, knick-knacks, food, pamper-myself-things...
The most of all, been spending on juice. YES, FRUIT JUICE. SPECIFICALLY JUICE WITH ALOE VERA.
I decided that it was getting a little too expensive to keep up this new fetish so i bought a 2L bottle. Not really working anyway either.

I love popping by The Bodyshop to sniff out new products. *smiles* Uhm, i have taken a liking to the new shampoo.

4.
Is it this ongoing headaches i've been having? I'm beginning to think that it's a degenerative disease. (please no.)
Lately, i've noticed that while doing my essay, i type nonsense.
My concentration is there, everything is present but i sometimes type extra words, or my grammar goes wonky, i miss words and the words that i am thinking of in my head come out as something else.

Or maybe it's just the pain i am having which causes my consciousness to distance itself to mentally steer away from the pain. In doing so, some "concentration" has been removed.

Or, a small part of my mind is in a state of limbo/drifting/throbbing... that somehow, things get a little fuzzy.

My head isn't working to maximum efficiency. Then again jo, when was it ever?

5.
Honestly. I used to be sharper, meaner, more opinionated, sarcastic.
Now. I think i've gotten milder, less mean, less cutting, less opinionated, les critical.

Is that a good thing? Horse Lords, no.
I use to debate a little and i could feel my mind buzzing with activity.
But it seems that that is no longer the case. It's kinda dull, dim, slow.
Back then, i could sense that people (who knew me) were wary of me during a debate.

Well. I am a toothless lion now. Do not be afraid...

Perhaps it's the people i mix around with. I've tried to tone down around them, tried to be more civil...

I think some of the edge might still be there. It just needs to be able to unleash itself. It needs an avenue where it wouldn't be shushed, it wouldn't be shunned, rejected or spoken badly about.

Who am i kidding?

To be myself and lose my friends?
Or mould myself to be a better, dimmer person? (haha, i sense something controversial here)
Disclaimer: This applies only to SELF. It does not imply all nice people are dim.

Once again i have arrived at the sticky issue. That my Evil Twin has been bugging me about all along.
I don't hardcore swear, OUTloud much except for "bloody", "shit", "dumbarse", "damn". (come to think of it, all those words put together have a cumulative effect and i realize, $%^&! I am pretty foul!)

Neither do i write honestly how i totally feel about something. Most of the time, i am afraid of offending people and so i try to be politically correct as far as possible.

Ok, so i am not about to allow myself to become Evil Kinevil because then even my parents will slap me and disown me. And my friends will tell me they dunno me anymore.

So? What the *toot* is this blog FOR?!?!?! Be fREE! Be verbally Liberated! Pour your thoughts out!!! FREEDOM!!!

But then HOR, my friends go online, read my blog also leh... Then they know what kind of lousy Christian i am... Outside "passably" nice (aren't i? i am lah...) but inside like dirt.

Everyone is not perfect. No one can dispute that.
Everyone is part dirt.

I feel like yelling a virtual swear word to mark this day of liberation.

Nay, i've decided.
I'm going to be more honest, more mean, if i have to.
It's just me airing JUST HOW I FEEL. And i don't want to be afraid, i don't want to be rejected for it.

But if you cannot face up to it and if you, my friends, cannot accept who i am, then i have nothing much else to say.
Except that you would have given me a lifetime of hurt to deal with.

But should a blog be used for such ugly purposes? A place for complaint, a place for negativity, a place where only the angry and unhappy dwell?

Ah... thinking too much. Of course my posts aren't going to be all depressing.

I am seriously blabbering a lot today.

Actually hah, i am rather curious about who actually reads this, apart from the people i've linked and regularly leave me messages. (by the way, leaving me messages make me really happy. HINT.)

Unseen guests, won't you tell me who you are?

6.
I surf around and discover that hardly much of the world ever has this blogskin anymore.
So, that makes my blog OH SO UNIQUE, and also OH pretty UGLY.
Eh, i know i can easily switch to a nicer looking skin but i think this one has grown on me (oops, pardon the pun!) and in my opinion, i think it's easier to read off.

No clutter at all.
The only clutter are thick paragraphs, which i try hard to eliminate.

7.
I sent an email to the AAS webmaster concerning the lack of updates done on the AAS website. Within the day or was it the next day, i received an email from the bigger shot.

I tell you, for such an important person as well as being the son of Singapore's FORMER super important person, he is totally tactless, very unprofessional and has some serious attitude problem.

One might think that he could've at least picked up some form of civilized political etiquette from his daddy but NOOOOO.
Civilized or clean politics has entirely ELUDED the chap.

Ok wait. Is politics ever civilized and clean?
Ah hah.

But whatever it is, he is such a lousy fella that i will stop talking about him at this point.

Ok, it's officially wednesday, i will post this up in a moment. But first.
ARCHERY WOMEN'S FINALS ON CENTRAL TONIGHT AT 9pm!

WATCH... to see the beauty of archery... and the way it appeals to your hunter instincts!

Till Then.
*towards being more honest and not always nice when the occasion calls for it*

Redemption and archery politics.

Huimin:
I don't think it's the weather though... It's lessened now but till there. Odd.
About your piece of advice. Point noted, thanks. I guess it's true that conforming to an ever changing standard is futile anyway and all one could ask for is to do our best. But ironically, i think i have not done my best to be what and who i can. Haha, ok, it's beginning to sound like the chicken or the egg kind of thing. And no... i didn't quite figure that one out myself, so it is good to hear it from someone. Thanks a lot, you always make me feel better. :-D
Oh EAah! Love taking pictures and putting them up although it is a little troublesome. I'm just not a very good photographer.

J.:
Aw, thanks... :-D! By the way, i couldn't help noticing that you know Liangcai, Alwyn has linked you and that you were from ACJC but I don't recall seeing you around in school though. Pardon me please. Which batch were you from?

Vicki:
Thanks girl. :-)

Miss_D:
HAHHA, oh my goodness.... the thought of vampire doing anything is quite gross!!! *gag, gag*
But seriously, i would love to go back for the crispy noodles again. I've mentally listed it down for the next trip already. WOOhOO!
The lady in the polka dots? hoohohohoh... Skarly, she's some rich rich lady who retired early because she earned big bucks with a PhD in something or other previously??? Can buy a bike and afford to wear, erm... such flashy clothes.
HAHAHAHaaaa...

Alwyn:
But first up, i have to remember what i wrote...
*sigh*

*** ***

Ok, i decided to scrap, temporarily, the post i really wanted to type and put this one up instead.

Reason: while i was trying very hard to do my, blood pressure rising, one of the module final grade determinants, very challenging 1960s serious -h-- essay, this irritating thought was sitting on my shoulder screeching itself to me.

I cringe each time and decided i had to redeem myself. If i ever could.

*** ***

Apparently in JC2, we had one of our annual ACJC band concerts, held at the Victoria Concert Hall.

You know, in those days, the Esplanade wasn't around for ole ACJC to look good.

And it so happened that i was to play two minor solo parts from two songs.
The first, "... song without words" and the second, "L'Apprenti Sorcier", yes, that's right, the Sorceror's Apprentice.

I pray no one reading this went for that concert because you'd be nodding your head or shaking your head thinking: "OHHHhhh.... so YOU'RE the one who sounded SO bad!"

It was my FIRST EVER time playing a solo of any sort, for the band. (oh yeah, it's the Alto Saxophone)
I had no formal training at all (oh good grief, did i just sound like William Hung? But it's true!), not even as a previous band major in secondary school.

Problem with:
First solo - airy sound when lacking confidence
Second solo - pitch problems. Eg. flat or sharp

Initially during our pratices, first solo was so-so.
Second solo's pitching was right on the dot, perfect, in tune.
Just right on target and i was pretty happy with myself.

But strangely, with more practice and more attempts at perfecting the note, my pitch got WORSE and WORSE. The notes got flatter and flatter, it sounded SO AWFUL.

And for some reason, especially so on the silver saxophone. Extra flat on silver.
So, i switched to the gold one, which only helped a small bit.

On the day of the concert, my solo for the first song came out sounding SO AIRY and THIN. That happens when i play without confidence.

The solo bit actually comes out from almost-close-to-silence from the rest of the band, like a voice rising and speaking out from the quietening surroundings.

And so unprofessionally, i shook my head after that bad solo.
Imagine HOW many people saw that poor showmanship?!??!
TSK! I cringe even till this day.

The one that takes the cake for MAXIMUM EMBARRASSMENT was the second solo.
*cringes so bad*

The Sorceror's Apprentice begins with soft, high pitch, mystical sounds from a few of the percussion instruments(s).
Then the saxophone solo comes in, playing a trademark melody. Can't possibly explain in words.

But here are the notes: (1) D A A (the As are one octave apart) B C# D, followed by,
(2) F C C (the Cs are also one octave apart) D E F.

(1) Came out sounding SO SUPER DUPER ULTRA MONDO FFLLLAAATTT! It was SO EMBARRASSING. Imagine all the musically savvy people in the crowd must've been cursing me for auditory assault then.
And any RJC band people present most probably would've been sniggering away and feeling 100% sure of a next SYF Gold Medal.

(2) came out slightly sharp, as i was trying to salvage the previous 6 flat notes.

This time when i finished, one of my band mates hissed to me, "DON'T shake your head!"

I felt SOOOO unjustified. I knew i could do better, but for some reason, with more practice, came a performance less than perfect.
Whoever said "practice makes perfect" hasn't met me.

It was my first time ever that i did something out of the ordinary. Most of my life in ACJC was monotonous, not much camaraderie with the so-called "in" students and teachers, mugged till no end, never went to an AC party before, never felt included in the band as frequencies run diametrically opposite to each other.

So you see, the opportunity to do something different was blown to bits. I think of how i let my conductor down, and i feel so awful.

It's all in the past already, yeah, yeah.
No point feeling bashed up by it, yeah, yeah.
BUT still.
But anyway.
I'm done with this.
*in a dramatic voice*: Now... you know my story.

*** ***

Friday the 13th indeed.

1. I can say with almost 100% certainty that i will no longer be training in the national training team.

2. The trunk keeping my bow has been emptied and my bow is with someone i hardly know.

3. The range warden, whom we have taken a fond liking to, is now no longer working at the range.

4. There's more but i cannot mention those.

Of course friday the 13th never meant anything to me. But this time, i'm getting quite a shelling.

I HATE THE ARCHERY POLITICS!!!

*At this moment, imagine joline saying and doing the unmentionables all in one long sequence.*

I HATE WHAT IT HAS DONE and is DOING.

Time for me to play the game as well? I cannot imagine myself getting involved. I don't WANT to get involved!

It's just done all in the name of their OWN SELFISH desires.

RARRRRR!!!!

*shakes fist*

May judgement fall upon you one day. Take your chances, do what you wish but may Justice be served to right the wrong you have committed!

What's the purpose of this management committee?
To function for the good of all archers...? YEAHHH RIIGGHHHTT...!!!

*** ***

I seem to have lost some physical resilience. Previously, i could sleep real late but still wake up feeling pretty fine.
But since the spate of headaches, (which is still around) i am affected the next morning when i sleep late the night before.
Like now.

!!!!!!!!!

The essay! Oh no, ok, gotta run.

Till then.
*Pain.*

Angst.

Note: Sorry friends, my replies will come at a later date.
*** ***

I am depressed.

For some reason, life seems so empty. Void. Meaningless.
What am i living for?
What am i doing with my life?
What was the God given goal he meant for me to achieve?
Give me direction! Why is it so silent? Is asking for help and receiving it a crime?
Am i not entitled to one?
Should i be deprived of that which you give willingly and give without question?

I am a bimbo, minus the looks usually associated with one. Now does that add to the depression.

Who am i next to the average person my age?
What am i compared to that one who knows and thinks?
Or am i glorifying that age group?

My life is too cushy. Too abundant and flowing with whatever i need.
But can i give it up? No.

I am as shallow as that drying puddle.
My mind, fools the rest of my entire being.

Who am i?
CAn i think?
Or am i just that identical churn-out, reciting the same old tired lines. Thinking through the same old tired trains of thought.
Just a shell... No life.
Am i who i think i really am?
Fool.

So what am i going to do about it?

Solace comes in that intangible form. But my intangible form sometimes becomes my subject of frustration.
And then my subject of frustration is suppose to be that intangible, but supposedly tangible form.

Why is it that depression makes you wonder more, than when you are happy?
I remember saying something like that in a previous entry.

Some people come crying to God and find what they are looking for and they are changed.
WHat happened when i came crying? Or did i? Nope.

ARRRRR... Is this me speaking? Or my hormones. Or, -censored by author-.

I have not gone mad. God, I need you.


I want to eat seafood crispy noodles again.

Nasties.

Miss_D:
I doubt that he ever wanted it... *oh well...*
Least he was decent to me, sometimes to the point of seriousness. Thank God! Because he is the type that well... You would want to get into his good books, or ELSE...

Alwyn:
(don't think you'd be able to read your reply)

*** ***

Just some pictures i decided to put up for fun.

Pretty fully bloomed flower from balcony flower pot.


Another pretty violet fully bloomed flower from window ledge. I tried to convince them of it being potential killer litter...


My name, using musical symbols and notes. On "Myth and Music" lecture notes.



As i grow older, i fear drawing again, because i think my ability to draw is puddle deep.

I used to draw, paint and do sketches which people liked but... those times are gone? There goes art with my childhood. Bleah. Time to find that part of myself again.

For some art thing back in primary school, a black and white sketch of two horses battling was chosen, along with some others of course, to be framed and hung up within the primary school premises.
I never got that one back. Wish i asked for it before i left.

Then in secondary school, i did a book cover design for the title "Bon Voyage". It was an exam piece actually. My teacher put it up in the art classroom for display, than somehow went into her own personal art room within the art classroom.

Horses scribbled during the "Myth and Music" lecture i had yesterday.


Ah, these have been with me since primary school. But i think they look for the worse.

*** ***

*ugly mumbles*
I got a C- for my qualitative report. So much effort for...? I'm going to have to do a kickass essay to salvage my already hanging-in-there average of B.
Ok, i expected that i'd do pretty bad for this one, but not THIS bad!
The ONLY reason why i am not sobbing and banging my fists on the floor is that i expected it somewhat.

The next bad/good thing is that i've a new arts tutor, so who knows how he is going to grade my assignment? I've been averaging B all the way, and if he so screws my assignment grade for me... I...
(better left unsaid)

Been down with this nasty headache that started last week, and throughout every single day till now. I still feel it, though it's muted.

I have no idea why it started.
It was suggested i see a neurologist today depending on how i feel.
Should i? It hasn't eased off entirely.

I put this hit counter thingy in May and i'm quite surprised that it has reached 800 or so. Haven't got that many blogging friends so i am wondering where and who everyone else is...

Leave me a message will yoooo? Jo is curious. *winks*
Did i just do that.

Anyway. Been having many floating thingies in head but none materialized.
Off, before I begin rambling and justify a visit to the neurologist. Or was it psychiatrist.

Till Then.
*Maybe... it's withdrawal symptoms from not having archery for a week.* *(".)*

Back, returned. Oh, home...

This is Fifi, my aunt's dog. She's got the most beautiful brown eyes.


Dogs just love me. See that tongue go!


That's the 2nd dog, Ivy. I prefer wolfish dogs but doggy affinity overrules!


Look at what archery has done to my skin colour.

Nikki. My youngest cousin. 3 words: hilarious, cute, hyper.


Breakfast at "Spices". I loved the European deco and the warm and dim lighting.


Incomplete family photo at the bridal suite after the tea ceremony. Bride and groom are both stunning!


Opening speech by bride and groom at the wedding dinner. Heh. Does this look like camera tricks at play? Nay.

Sigh. Was the oldest at my table since my sister was absent. *mumble* Tanlines very unglam.


Sweet.


He surprised her with something he wrote (velly lomantic wor...) as well as with another ring, ANOTHER proposal included. *aww...*


She sings a four line song in return. I'm surprised at how (soul?) mates can be so at ease with each other... Even in front of dinner guests! So wonderful.


*** ***

There are more photos, but well... i might crash the system so, no go.

The problem with being the photographer is most of the time, you are excluded from photos. Hello? I didn't even take a personal shot with the bride, my cousin!?
Not only that, i could've used my brain and mouth and ask for someone to do it, but no...
Jo, what's your bleedin' problem?

I don't really want to go into the details of the trip because during the trip and since i've been back, i''ve been having disturbing headaches as well as school work yodelling at me from my study desk.
Did that make sense? *resigned meow*
not sure if i should see a doc. THe headaches are consistent.

In summary:

1. The trip was draining though it was good to see everyone again, and bond with my seldom seen cousins.
2. Malaysian drivers are terrors. And so are the roads.
3. TOO MUCH FOOD.
4. I have decided that toilet seat designs and temperature have the power to mess up my digestive system.
5. Home is best.
6. Was mostly spaced out throughout the trip. Not unpleasantly so, but more so than usual.
7. Went to Times Square, and had a short ride on the KL monorail!
8. Hotel was nice. So was the gym... Gawked at the gleaming free weights all laid out, complete, on the rack.
9. My parents have more energy than me.
.
.
.

Lots of other stuff but my headache is disturbing.

*** ***

Replies:

J:
:-D. Thank you. It gives me hope. ;-P

Germ:
Whao, i'm very flattered. *red face* Thanks... :-) That's like, one of the highest compliments ever!
HAHHA. Modelling? *flashes a "i-think-i-am-so-pretty" grin at self*
Oops. I think i just heard a thousand ships sinking. Teehee.
Oh, eye bags are definitely there... Perhaps were concealed by shadows.

Alwyn:
:-D Thanks. The lighting was from my table lamp. Halogen bulb, methinks, orange light.
Oh..... Next time go prepared with plugs and such. You might get the pictures you want that way.
Aii-yai, affirmative. Though i would like to think that at some point in history, ACSians were not like that. Gee, which is why i was rather disappointed during one rugby final during our time.

Miss_D:
OOOHH!!!! VAMpire!!! AHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAH. Wonder if i can be his Vampiress? His partner in crime...
Aiyah, old dreams die hard, no? haha, kidding, kidding. It is imperative that we do not mention his real name here, okie?
I haven't seen him lately, ALTHOUGH... i just discovered that my outdoor archery range is just NEXT to his condo. Can you believe it... But not sure if he's still staying there.
Ang moh look? heheheeehehehe....

*** ***

Will be off for now. Back to work, ploughing, plodding, mugging...

Hope to share more of my monkey chatter with everyone but duty calls.

Be well, take care.

Till Then.
*bows*

Off to a Wedding.

Alwyn:
Orh... Ok, now i get the origins of the terms. I knew what GG-fied meant but not how it came about. FF is new to me though. Ha, probably because aceing anything was way out of my capability anyway.
I'm really glad you like the music from Solo Piano Radio... It's a pleasure to introduce you to music you might appreciate. Haha, nice to hear that you even slept to it.
Actually, i have an opinion or two about the music, (sorry, i can be quite a critic) but well, anyway. Enjoy mate!
When i first heard it, i was pretty hooked. New Age piano, 24/7... :-)!
David Lanz's music's on as well.

Germ:
Couldn't afford to sleep, no? hahhaa, had tons of work to do. *mumble*

*** ***

Hoo Boy. All that work will come to  temporary stop as i journey across the causeway from today till sunday. I hope those relatively rushed assignments will still be somewhat competent.

Ok, had a really late bath and i needed to wait for my dead cells to dry off... Since the camera was sitting tight and pretty, looking rather innocuous, i decided that my fingers were kind of trigger happyish, so...

Sigh. That's me.
The monkey who writes all this nonsense.

Fooling around with the digital camera at 1:45am. 



I hope you didn't throw up the last meal you took... Barfing doesn't quite leave a nice taste on your tongue now, does it?

I think i'm going to need to get ready, or hide for that matter, for and from anyone who's going to sue me for visual assault.

It's awful late and my dead cells are dry, so i bid thee Good Day. (at 2+am)

4:16pm
Going to leave soon. I can't say that i've never been more enthusiastic. Garn, i guess it's because my sister isn't coming along. No company to stick with among the rest of the cousins!
Went to do some laps and a little corrective tanning, in a bid to darken selected bits of myself.
Sigh. I think the darkened just got darker.

Took a stroll around JP, hunting for a pair of bright silver dangly earrings but to no avail. Or more like, none really were to my liking.

And i am pleased to say i browsed around Toys R Us... Oh, those were the days!
I'm was and am a "My Little Ponies" fan since i was a tot, they are mighty aesthetically pleasing, methinks.

Spent a little money on myself at Watsons, something i have not done for a long time. Money's been sacred recently ever since blowing the $1+k on my archery equipment.

Perhaps my mission of tiring myself out today has been 50% successful. The other unfulfilled 50% was because I wanted to go to SAFRA for a little indoor archery but they open only at 2pm, which's too late.
*whispers to the sky*
I LOVE ARCHERY... God knows how much i love it.

I need to burn off more energy... Now what else can i do? Hmm.

Till Then.
*Adious... Take care, miss me and leave me messages!!! Might post pictures from the wedding dinner when i return.*
(realization)
*Gads, that (funny) smell seems to be coming from me!*

Where there is Faith

Woke up this morning with a headache. So during Quiet Time, i asked God to take away the headache...

"Lord, please take away this headache... I'm trying my best to make time to study for my exams which is why i need push all my work foward and so i need to feel better to concentrate and do my work well..."

And you know what? I felt it EBB AWAY and i was PAIN FREE!!

Immediately, i sat up and asked myself: "Is it REALLY GONE?!"

I promised to tell the world... So here it is.

If i could give God a hug, I would smother him now.

Till Then.
*Mug, mug, mug.*

Knew i couldn't do It. *heh...*

Like i said, i knew i would be back. :-)
So people who actually read my stuff... Guess you can be assured of updates still. Just not as frequent.

*** ***

I feel like ditching this politically correct side of me, and turn bitchy-brutally honest.
It makes people laugh really, but also makes them think not so nice things about me.

I used to be that way. Honest to the point of not filtering the things i say.
Not saying i am not that way still, but to those of you who know me now, i used to be worse. Ah, so now you know.

I've toned down a lot in real life and i'm projecting the toned down image online as well, and maybe am even a shade nicer. *URGH!*

On the other hand, i am a person striving to be Christ-like. In other words, UNmean, UNbitchy, UNrude, UNsecular, UN(fill in a bad trait), etc.
So, what's to become of me.

*** ***

Alwyn:
Hello!!! Yes... Doesn't the term just bring back memories.
What's the ff one about?

Huimin:
Heya. haha, i knew i wouldn't stay away for long. I am a chatterbox, and always in need of an outlet, and FAST!

*** ***

1.
I love recent events. It's an awfully great feeling to be surrounded by friends... Specifically, friends from JC. Not long ago, Betty came over to my place for a short meet-up. Then, Phansopa came back from overseas and so we met up as a small group.
Then i had my date with the Library Gang for a belated birthday dinner at Fish and Co. (btw, i have decided that i love Fish and Co.)
Following which i ended up talking with Ivan and Ambrose consecutively on the phone till... about 1+ a.m, almost 2a.m.
Then another friend i've knwn since sec 2 kinda messaged me not long ago.
Real nice.
I LOVE YOU GUYS. YOU MAKE LIFE BRIGHTER BY THE WATTS.
YOU ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED. GOD BLESS YA'LL!

2.
Yesterday... Sunday... Archery Day.
Happy is not enough to describe how i feel about it. I guess that's because i felt close to crying last week.
I did much better this week compared to last week. No more strange, distracting, deviating arrows.
This week i decided to take down my scores. I've never done so before.
(1 end=6 arrows, 1 round=6 ends, 1 round=36 arrows)
I recorded 3 rounds. It's not fantastic, but i must say it's a good start for me.
1st round: 270/360
2nd round: 274/360
3rd round: 267/360
All this was at 30m. I had one 'X'!!!
The average is a loss of 90 points or so, i guess. That means 9 perfect arrows.

3.
I never knew singing songs in Mandarin could be so FUN.
We had a bilingual church service on saturday... so yeah.
They flashed both chinese and english on the system.
Wa, fun.
But of course i couldn't catch up at the fast parts and was too preoccupied with reading the words properly to be conscious that i should be worshipping God!
Anyway, i imagine God having a little loving smirk on his face when he hears my gibberish mandarin.
*sheepish*

*** ***

i had better get cracking on the remainder of my arts essay. Go JO!

Will be leaving for Malaysia on thursday and back only on sunday.
I'm thinking of sneaking to the range on thursday to get my weekly doze of archery.

Till Then.
*Hug. Love you all, friends.*

With much ado

Got this off Friendster. Somehow, it got me a little affected.
 
Of course it's a little loopy here and there but, the bottomline was what struck a chord inside.

"I WOULD..."

A girl and guy were speeding over 100 mph on the road...
 
Girl: Slow down. Im scared.
Guy: No this is fun.
Girl: No its not. Please, its too scary!
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: Fine, I love you. Slow down!
Guy: Now give me a BIG hug.*Girl hugs him*
Guy: Can you take my helmet off & put it on yourself? Its bugging me.
 
(In the paper the next day):
 
A motorcycle had crashed into a building because of brake failure. 2 people were on it, but only 1 survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized that his brakes broke, but he didn't want to let the girl know. Instead, he had her say she loved him & felt her hug 1 last time, then had her wear his helmet so that she would live even though it meant that he would die.

*** ***
 
There're a few ways of looking at it.
But my brain is dwelling on the "too little" end.
Things exist in my head in faint sentences that i cannot be bothered to retrieve.
 
Exams are approaching, this october.
There's SO MUCH to do. Them people are crazy. Making us do assignments less than one month before the exam paper. Makes it hard to study.
Even the JC system lets us off the hook, lets us "officially" zhao classes and gives us some time alone.
 
Well, unless i am hopping mad with news, i think i will be on a blog hiatus.
(though i kinda doubt that cos a "too little" stage will be shortly followed by a "too much" period.)
 
So, take care everyone. And i mean everyone. 

Till Then.
*"Once a mugger, always a mugger".
"haha, you still remember the term 'GG-fied'"*  

Tortured

And i thought this day wouldn't come.
 
Garn. I actually had a bad compound shooting day.
Tell me, that's weird.
It's pretty all right for recurve, but compound? Sheeeeshhh...
 
For starters, i had two perpetually strange-off-target-flying arrows. Always landing on the same spot on the target sheet. No way can it be by chance. It happened in multiple sets. ANNOYING.
 
Then, ALTHOUGH i had quite a number of bull's eyes and 'X's, my grouping ABSOLUTELY SUCKS.
 
How many bull eyes you get DON'T matter. It's the grouping that matters.
 
I don't know what went wrong today.
I just totally flopped.
It was never this bad.
 
Sigh. This probably sounds like incessant monkey chatter.
Nobody would know how much this tears me to bits inside.
 
Coach spent some time with me after the national team left. Helped me adjust my bow (which was ALSO screwed up). Arrow rest too low, bubble not in line cos the sight was crooked...
And of course being a coach, tweaked bits of wrong posture here and there.
 
Oh, and he discovered how small the yellow circle looks in my scope. That means the magnification is not all that powerful. It's at +0.75.
AH HAH. SEE? So, i'm not so bad EH?
HAH.
*and Jo goes momentarily insane and makes ugly faces*
 
*straightens, cocks head and sits down politely*
 
I feel like trooping myself down tomorrow to set myself straight. Waiting for sunday to come again to climb back up is no way to go.
My mindframe would've gotten negative, and that's a big fat, no-no.
I need to prove it to myself.
 
*** ***
 
Couldn't help myself. Went down to Ngee Ann City Civic Plaza.
Ok... I should've known.
 
Before you can even try any of the sporting activities, you need to buy something first from the Giordano or Swatch booths. Stewpid right?
 
*TSSSKkkKK*
 
I'm getting EXTREMELY unevenly tanned.
But that's the least of my worries. 
 
*** ***
 
Let me digress.
 
About guy friends and their cars.
There's just something about the way their young male genes/testosterone click with their car.
There's just something in the way they hold the keys as they walk towards the machine...
There's just something about the way they handle the driving picture.
 
It's just so sexy.
Or maybe i just haven't been driven around by friends very much, for the simple reason that i try not to sponge off rides from people.
 
Ok, i'm just weird.

*** ***
 
Attractive he might be...
Mature he might be...
Interesting he might be...
But no more will i consider such options. Never again.
 
*** ***

Overall: UPSET.
 
Till then.
*'elp... 'Elp Me!*

Internal Jumping Bean.(edited)

Got a VERY pleasant surprise when i logged on and discovered the new format that Blogger's got.
LOVE it!!! WHOOPEE!! This is nice.
 
*** ***
 
1.
There's something about guy friends and them driving cars... that i find rather sexy.
Hmm... Why is this so? Is it something psychological?
Any Freudian explanation for this? :-P
 
2.
I want to go to Ngee Ann City to do some of the sporting activities they have!!!
 
ARCHERY and SPRINTING, are the ones i'm eyeing... My two loves...
 
But i think they're using a bare bow. Not used to those, especially after using the compound for a while.
The most i can switch from, would be from compound to recurve. But even then, i would need a bow sight to go with it. 

3.
I'm going to get shot for this, but yeah.

Having read about the evolutionary explanation about males and females... (hard not to think about it, no? Even though it should not be a factor... biblically.)
And having heard so many horror stories...

I began to doubt that men could have any feelings of real love, are capable of commitment and complete devotion and faithfulness.

But... after a little exposure, well... it seems they are capable of deep feelings of hurt involving matters of the heart.

"Of course, we're HUMANS Jo!!!"

Well, didn't quite get that impression, quite, mates.
Faith in relationships had been dissolved as of late.

Besides... the very fact about being human... explains some things... Evolution, evolution...?

But truth be told, I'm no where near 60% convinced. Gonna need lots of it. And it's gonna take a REALLY great guy to be able to change my mind.

"So, what say you, God?"
But then, studies and a serious mate don't quite go very well.

Garn.
 
Ok, need to go.
 
Been a long, slightly more eventful then usual, day.
 
Till Then.
*Love the new format*

Death and Taxes

The two surest things you can get around here.

Read my bible this morning and came across some rather disturbing verses.
About how God commanded so and so not to pray for so and so, because He wouldn't listen anyway.
And the Study Bible said "God's Patience Exhausted".

I have no idea what to think!
God is suppose to be all patient and kind and loving.

Ok, perhaps he does have everlasting love, which he'll return to after a bout of anger.
Does this mean God has a temper? And has moods too?

Could it be that all his moods are justified anyway? Since he is sovereign over all?

Once again, i am thinking and wondering.
But there's only so much, i, a little tiny being can understand.

*** ***

It's sad.
The dentist who did my teeth once has passed away... From dreaded cancer.

One scary part is that his wife also had a bout with nose cancer, but is thankfully in remission now.
But the worst part of it all is that he has FOUR kids...
And, they are still pretty youngish.

My mom saw how distraught the children were when they were before their father.
It just brings tears to my heart.

It's not like his wife led an unhealthy lifestyle...

Cancer.
Rampant and feared.
I was told, that today, 1 in 3 people get it.

And you never know whether it spells sure death or life after it.

Till Then.
* Dad: "That's why... Count your Blessings." *

Enlightened.

Weizhen:
You are right to say that educated people (like, all rounded educated) should be and should incline towards being civil and good to their human counterparts. However, although we all hope and want to think that the educated will always be that way and should... education can also breed arrogance and snobbery. So it is with great regret that i know of people who are "cultured", "educated", "learned"... But yet fail in some most basic ways of being civil and mature. That's why i said, they are "not always nicest, most civil..."
Haha, pinch my dog's cheeks? Don't think he'll stay in one place long enough.

Alwyn:
Serious... Perhaps those who were overseas are coming back (holidays, break from school?) and so the local bound people are die-die making time for those precious friends who're back for only a short time.
Heh, reunions are jolly wonderful things aren't they.
Wah, how could you miss Robin like that... just a block of seats away from you? And went up on stage as a "cookie" (yes, a chocolate chip cookie) also to promote our pre-Fun-O-Rama money raising stall? hehehe.

*** ***

It feels good to have a whole day free at home, which i can use to the fullest to finish some work calling for my attention with their faintly jelly-like-only-visible-to-me-arms.

Going off across the causeway at the end of this month, so, ensuring that i've completed my work is a do or die situation.

I never thought i'd say this but i actually think that the psychology essay questions in my assignment sheet all look rather interesting to attempt.

Instead of the barrage of psych MCQ questions we got from Monash during exams, we have to write essay questions for the Open University exams.

I suppose the 96 killer MCQs are for the purpose of testing students over a wide range of topics.
Essay questions can only test so much at one shot.

Sigh, which makes studying for it much tougher. Go figure.

But on the other hand, i appreciate the way the British system.
I will testify that the psych text we have are a bloodsucking, stress-inducing, sleep-snatching stacks of dead processed trees.

But at the end of the day, i realize that the purpose of the university writing the topics that way, actually benefit us as future psychologists.
Psychology is about application, and deals with real humans and humans are dynamic and complex creatures...

The way we are taught helps us to appreciate that, thus deal with the very issues we must use in future.

It's a lot better than reading discrete chapters that make no links between "this approach and that approach."

I hated the system at first because it drove me nuts into confusion but overall, i came to understand the real deal.
And i must say... Thank You Open University.

*** ***

I saw a classmate with his significant other that day. But why did he ask me out? Besides, he looks like the very decent sort.
*confused furrowed brows*
Whatever.

*** ***

I give all Thanks and Praise to God again!

I was having that awful bout of flu when i had a major psych report to do about a month ago?
Well, it's been returned and i got an 86!
Actually, that's like 1 mark away from an A. *wistful sigh*
But nevertheless, Thank God i pulled through that... and it was a non-substitutable assignment as well...

*** ***

I am grateful... For the friends that i have in my life.
In a space of 3 days, three people (excluding Phansopa) from my past school years got in contact with me.
It feels awfully good to know that people who've stepped into your life and though aren't seen often, step in again, on their own accord, into the picture.
Although the saying goes: Friends come and go...
I'm glad that i have friends who come, and stay.

I really appreciate you guys.
Makes me reflect on my rather individualistic style of living.

Till Then.
*Drums fingers... in (im)patience. Coach...? *

Transient thoughts

Pictures taken when i had a lollipop in hand. Something a greedy min pin cannot resist.

"Question?" 


The Importance of Being Earnest 


It's amazing how they seem to rearrange their facial anatomy to look so cute when there's food around.
Being the strict owner who rarely spoils him with human food, i didn't give in.
woo hoo.
But it's a lolly for goodness sake.

*** ***

1.
Freedom comes after the pain.
I guess it must be a good thing after all.
Ah, glad i've gotten over it, and in goodwill.

2.
I've learnt:
Never to try to convince yourself to believe that something was right or meant to be, even when deep inside, you KNOW you can feel it's wrong.
You'd only be lying to yourself and chasing something you oughtn't. And if you pursue it, you'd be going down the wrong trail.

3.
It is so unfair how some people (or rather, this particular soul) can be so good looking... *hahaha*
Chiselled face, bright, almond brown eyes, good complexion, nice hairline, smooth hair...
And you just can't have it/...!
I promise, had my previous dog turned into a homosapien, he'd be a spankingly gorgeous human. Ok, excluding the cow-ish patches he had.

4.
Ever since the scare, i realize that i have been more sensitive towards the needs of people-in-despair. Whether they are the afflicted, or the afflicted's relations. I no longer feel that cynical wave when i encounter anything to do with the NKF or other charitable organizations.
And i feel less indifferent than before.
I used to be pretty unfeeling. Not to say i am a saint now, but i do feel more for them.
I thank God for teaching me something... Mayhap in future i will be of help to these people when i can.

5.
"You can come shoot at 70m, you know?"
"Erm... can 31 pounds reach anot..."
*laughs at my ludicrous question*
"Of course!" and walks away.
"can meh..."

6.
Educated people, are not always the nicest, most civil people.

*** ***

Meeting with old ACJC classmates

Yesterday was great.

Phansopa, mah old ACJC mate returned to Singapore from studies in the UK. Having his summer holidays now.

Had such a good time meeting up with him, Teng Whye and Robin in ACJC.

It was just, unspeakably wonderful to see him, and them, back on familiar ground...
Seeing Phansopa back from so far away made everything seem like time never went by and that suddenly, the old JC atmosphere was back.

Just like nothing ever did change.

Kinda helped that he was the same too. Ha, his hair is the same, his crapping is the same, his mannerisms are the same...
I sure missed him!
Thank God for a friend like him.

We got the meet, Mr Paul Cheong, Mdm Tham, Miss Michelle Tang, Miss Phang, Miss Mahaini, my ex home chem tutor now ACJC chem teacher, Mr Harvinder Singh...
And other teachers we knew but only smiled at.
It was just SOO beautiful.

Funny i didn't feel nostalgic. I'm glad i didn't, because i would've fallen into a gloomy stupor. I was just pleased and happy to be back where we used to trod.

We visited our old classroom too, 7.12 and the other non-official 7.14.
The vibes and ghosts of the past remain...

I find it quite funny.

The old "jaga" at the main gate, wouldn't let us in without a valid reason and treated the situation as though we were potential terrorists!
But the minute you step in, everyone treats you like an old friend and treat you like a person with EVERY right to be within the school compounds.
It's the AC spirit. The Family. Can't shake it.

"No Loitering", says the "jaga".
But goodness. That's what ex students DO! LOITER! Enjoy the scenery! The landscape! Hunting down teachers... DUH!!!

I let myself down, but... no matter.

Last sunday, i was the last person at the 30m line. Remember i told you about how crowded it was?
Ok, imagine all those people standing, GATHERED not spread out, behind you as you aim to take the shot.
To make it even worse, the national coach was watching too.

And to top off the moment, i didn't take the last shot and put my bow down.
Anti-climax eh?

Reason being: My arm was shaking too much to continue. Not out of fear, but out of fatigue.
Coach said to me: Why did you stop?
I offered no answer.

The little crowd of people just took my words away.
Was stunned into momentary silence when i turned around to see the people behind me.
I feel bad about it.

I love Archery SO MUCH.

Politics

"If i (not me) leave, you won't see many of these people here anymore"

I am thinking.
Is it more important to carry on shooting for the country, despite the disdain for the new committee, OR
Is it right to fight for self protection by leaving the team altogether?

Is it a decision made by dignity, or immaturity?

If coach leaves, i am going to feel very awkward then.

Till Then.
*All... in a matter of Time.*

Pretty tired but fulfilled

I dont want to blog tomorrow as i've just discovered, with horror that i have a zillion things to do. I have virtually one whole course book to finish reading in one week, and two assignments to do... before the end of this month.

Hoooo boy.

Ok, so i went for archery today. Must say that i am pretty ok with myself. No major, "i-so-want-to-donk-u-on-head, why-didn't-you..."

I guess all i have to learn is:
1. know when to put down even after aiming for a while. Esp so when you know it's going to be a bad shot.
2. Rest when tired. This might seem downright understood. But for someone who cannot get enough of archery, i get carried away.
3. Wait for that "ppeeaace..."
Somehow, the pin will cease to move just for a tiny instant, and the mind seems to blank and there'll be this tiny moment of space... Then you release.

I managed to get like 4 or 5 arrows into the yellow for one particular end. i.e, all 9s and 10s.
Btw,
1 end=6 arrows
1 round=6 ends
1 round= 36 arrows

I was surprised at how noisy it was being next to recurve shooters.
It was mighty crowded at the 30m, 80cm target faces. I was the only compound shooter in the line.
THere're very few female compound shooters around.
Left and right, i was surrounded by "TWANGS...", "CLICKS", "ZOINGS"... "Shhhnggg"
The manifestation of the shock after one shot is quite audible.

Is it a good thing if someone can guess you're from ACJC by the way you speak? Erm... and is it a good thing if you can likewise guess if someone is from RJC from the way they speak?
HM..... i leave you to think about that.

I have finally bought an elbow guard. No, not to guard my elbow, but to guard my forearm. I am getting bruises and bad cuts faster than they can heal.
I don't have a problem with it looking ugly or anything neither do i have a problem with the pain, but they get in the way sometimes.

Spoke to coach, it seems things aren't too bad for me, although i'm not going to say it's comfirmed until i get me forms signed and handed in and approved.
Bleedin' politics.
Not that i want to gossip, but some things will concern me and i worry.

Went to pick up my elbow guard at HV and then went for the mini performance by my alma mata military band.
So, i am by all standards shagged and bushed for the day.
Dozing...

Toodles, loves.

Till Then.
*All for God's glory and fame"