Ho hum.

I think i'm going to sign up for the 10km New Balance Real Run but not the Standard Chartered run.

Tradeelala.

There are times when i'm walking along the street and i think about the amount of work piled up and when i realized how much uncertainty i am facing, how many loose ends i have and tend to forget to address, i begin to visualize myself in my room trying to get an opportunity to cry my eyes out.

I am so stressed.

But when i get home, i am seized by duty and responsibility. I do what i need to. But it doesn't mean it's all ok. I still drag all the frustration about with me at my heels.

Sometimes i just need to let out the frustration to start on a cleaner slate.

Today i came face to face again with something that i wish i did not have to face anymore. But life never says that things are forbidden to go on repeat.

This brings me once again to the often said, corny statements: "Lift it up to God, He'll take care of it.", and, "Don't focus on your problems, focus on God".

Maybe it was easier to do that in the past when some of the problems were "smaller", or more temporary.

But some problems are just... you know. Pervasive. It eats into your personal space. It has slid into and invaded your emotional, physical, spiritual, psychological life. Your EVERYTHING. It LIVES with you. It EATS with you. It WALKS with you. It SLEEPS with you. It's a LONG TERM issue. Not something that would resolve in a few days, with a few prayers here and there, or a few months and then people stop asking how you're doing. No.

We're talking about years.

It's like if a loved one has a terminal disease. If a loved one is living an alternative lifestyle, or a life on the edge. If a husband/wife abuses, or has cheated. If a loved one went missing overseas and there is no news of his or her existence. The future of a loved one with special needs. Suffering the pain of having BEEN abused, abandoned, rejected. There are many other issues that people face. You get the drift.

Because of the problem that just chose to lift its ugly head, though I know all the "good Christian" theories, I am now finding it to be of utmost difficulty to separate the act of focusing on God and lifting it to Him, from, denial. That is, choosing to not look at the problem. Trying to push the worry and pain away. Believing it will somehow. Just. All. Go. Away.

I still tag this as Walking with Jesus, and not Walking away from Jesus, because this IS the process of walking through difficult life lessons with Jesus even when I DON'T KNOW HOW. I can't run away from Jesus just because shit happens.

Like what Jess said on sat which i believe with my heart was a fantastic and true comeback to her friend's statement:

Friend: I'm not a Christian anymore because shit happens.
Jess: Shit happens, that's why, I am a Christian.

This is life and this is starkly real. I don't know how to live like i should. So I learn. I cry. I crawl. I get abrasions along the way. I am stunned, feeling weary, stuck in my thoughts and feelings. And I don't know how to continue this post anymore because i am at a loss for words.

I just know that there is only one way up... I sigh as I say this because i am so human... The one way up is, to pray.

Praying is but merely an action. Anyone can pray. The problems may remain for a while to come, but knowing who i talk to is what brings me to a better state of mind and heart.

i can't stop me

Just when i told van, myself 2 weeks ago and over dinner to joy and denise that i was going to give my knees a break , i was once again bitten by the running bug. Argh. I can't seem to stop myself. Talk about a love/hate relationship with running, a la New Balance advert.

So when i got home from cell group, instead of doing my paperwork, i took out my running gear, went running and got home around 12ish am.

Surprisingly, despite having taken a break from running (though i still did some brisk walking) my body felt lighter than i've ever felt in a long time, and my breathing came clear and easy. I also found that i could keep running, as long as i took it at an easy pace which given was slower than my usual pace that's done along the canal. Still, the physical difference i felt was a 180degree change from when i was actually training purposefully and regularly a few weeks ago. How odd.

A big part of the reason why i took off running at a weird hour (other than that i was hoping to find my mates at holland v) was because of defiance. I told myself that the reason why my knees were feeling weird lately was because i WASN'T running (as opposed to what most people would say... that it is stiff from having injured them so much). Maybe i'm in denial but i really felt like the stiffness was because i wasn't using them.

Well, my knee joints were kind of tender when i got home... There is pain only if i place weight on it without using my quads to support the knee cap area or if i twist it in a funny way. Did some strengthening exercises and stretching. I wouldn't say all is fine and dandy... Looks like glucosamine is going to be part of my regular diet.

I guess i enjoyed my run also because i chose to go off the canal with the marked distance, and instead allowed my body and mind decide how far i wanted to go. So, there was no pressure to finish a certain distance by whatever time, and there were no expectations of how much distance i should cover.

It was just me, my asics (am still not a convert though), the road and feeling light and free.

I digress... When i think about my asics, it reminds me of that funny trip to running lab where i got them. The sales guy and i were talking a whole lot about running while waiting for me (i took 2 HOURS to decide) to choose a pair of shoes from 4 pairs that he recommended to me. And after i paid and left, it was gem who showed me what was typed and printed at the end of the receipt. Sales guy had typed at the bottom: "Really cute smile! =)" No wonder he seemed to be taking longer than usual to process my purchase. Teehee.

It's amazing how close minded/tunnel visioned/under exposed/etc some pastors can be.

Case 1:
"Secondary school kids having sex? No lah! So young, how can they be having sex?"

*ROLLS EYES*

Case 2:
"You don't know about the 3 Ss? How long have you been a Christian? Usually if you've been a Christian for a long time, you would know."
(3 Ss refers to self governing, self sufficient, self ...., it's one of the terms used in the misson field in a particular country)

HELLO?! Not everyone is exposed to missionary work terms ok? How can people equate the length of one's walk as a Christian to whether the person knows about some specialized jargon used. Ridiculous conclusion.

And these are pastors in the age range of 50ish. Embarrassing.

Feel like screaming.

Suicide assessment.
Bookmark verses.
Devotionals.
Report writing.
Journal writing.
Closing cases.
Research.
School assignments now beginning.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am SO STRESSED OUT. STOP GIVING ME THINGS TO DO!

Update 2: I is going to paste triangle on zee car window. And face the temptation of driving around the carpark on my own. Heh. I feel so handicapped not being able to park properly now that i have no poles to help me do things mechanically. Oh well. Practice. Practice. Practice.

Update 1: PASSED. With 12 demerit points. Hurhur. And i got to drive my folks around the carpark at home.... but boy, parking is a #$&#%&##@(#!!!!!!
(no more poles! Dangit!)

***

I want to pass my driving test, i want to pass my test!

(sing song to the tune of "I want to ride my bicycle!" by Queen. I think it's a pretty odd song, but anyway.)

I happened to find this photo of gem from long ago... HAHA. So cute right. I asked for permission leh! He says it was due to the post lunch slump... (i think his branch mates took the photo and added the effects. hurhurhur.) Can you find/see the little stick men?

it's not for us to fight the fire, but the fire (God!) who fights for us!

I'm getting old, man.

Went for The Fire Fight's Album Launch concert, where we had to stand for an hour. I got a backache after that (but the rest of my friends didn't). Fail.

(The Fire Fight is a local, indie band made up of a group of young chaps who love music and are using their music to reach an audience for a bigger life purpose.)

I really enjoyed the music (though i was as stiff as a BBQ skewer) and saw the boys enjoying themselves on stage as well. They were telling a simple but true story of a bear named Henri. But really, the "bear" represents us living today and the story that unfolded was the story of how when we were woo-ed by the devil who lured us into loving the material things of the world but getting burnt in the process, God pursues us, back into his loving arms, back home again.

The boys deserve thumps on their backs!

It was quite funny how the name most heard last night was Jon's because he's a friend of ours, and a couple of us were getting high and it was hilarious what being high does to you. And... quite a number of the audience were from the same place *ahem* as i, and boy, if we wanted to, we could've started a praise and worship session. Haha...

Well done Fire Fight. I know this is your ministry, and I pray that God will continue to partner with you guys to speak the same loving message of God to those who need it, in the language that they know and understand, and find meaning in.

when we see Christ in someone, it should be evident in their everyday lives right? not only when the person is in their christian-ny element, eg. preaching, evangelising, befriending, cell leading, worship leading, etc.

something i noted. a person whose private life's deep truth is far from the superficially professed ideal, should refrain from preaching that they pursue only after God loving/centred/consumed women/men.

it makes them not just look stupid, but it is hypocritical and stumbles others.

Driving Instructor Uncle Vocabulary Trivia

Update:

Generous = Dangerous
Hedges = Hazards
Kuiz = Squeeze
Prup = Pull Up

It's funnier when i get to pronounce it outloud for you! ;-P

Hello folks! For your and my entertainment, i shall now present you with a Driving Instructor Uncle Vocabulary Trivia! Try to guess what these words (really) are!

"Generous" = ?
"Hedges" = ?
"Kuiz" = ?
"Prup" = ?

Er, no prizes for right answers.

Potato Bake Version 2

Cut up: 1 Red pepper, 1 big yellow onion, and grated a bunch of garlic. The pieces that were too small to grate are there on top of the peppers.

My cheddar cheese which i cut into small pieces, so that when the scattered pieces melt, they melt out evenly throughout the dish.

My button mushrooms. You decide how many you is want! :-P
Some random box of chicken nuggets that i found in the fridge. I've no idea who put them there and no one at home admits to its existence. Well, it no longer exists! It's going into the potato bake. :-D See the ones in aeroplane shapes. Hurhur. I toasted them so warm them up and give them a nice brown colour.
My grated garlic which i used to scatter in with the filling, as well as scattered on the top of everything with the cheese topping, mixed herbs and coarse black pepper (you'll see later on).
The boiled and scalloped potato base on the baking dish. OH YES. Don't forget to grease the base and sides of the dish with margarine or butter. This prevents the cheese and other stuff from sticking to it after some of it melts and burns slightly.
This is the cream i used. Instead of the 1 1/2 cups that i used in version 1, i used 1 instead. Healthier i guess. Less fat.
Fried up the bits of garlic, red pepper, onions, mushrooms in olive oil, and added a tiny amount of salt and black pepper.
Zees is the filling: red pepper, onions, mushrooms, diced chicken nuggets, grated garlic, cream and cheddar cheese, french onion soup, a bit of coarse black pepper again.

Put scalloped potatoes on top again with the grated garlic.
Top with mozarella cheese, cheddar cheese, mixed herbs, coarse black pepper. Dump in oven!

Ok, here we go. Kinda looks similar to version 1 anyway, but it's different on the inside!

Sitting pretty by the kitchen window. :-9
Close up for your viewing pleasure. Whee!
And finally... on the dinner table. It's a bit sad that i have to "force" my family to eat my stuff. I have to keep asking them if they've tried my food, or i have to bring a plate to them and ask if they want a bite. Only my dad took a portion by himself last night. Otherwise, no one other than myself and Van has eaten a decent portion! Grrr. I need food test subjects, and gem is too busy to stick around long enough to be one. I need daring, willing and FREE participants, or else the fridge will be full of stuff that i make and no one will eat!

Potato Gratin/Potato Bake sort-of-recipe

For those of you interested in making the potato thingy i made, here's the sort of recipe!
The reason why it's only a sort-of-recipe is because i did not use much measurements. I just added things according to how i liked it to be.

1) Boil 7-8 russet potatoes. Some people might find the russet variety too crumbly and soft so they use the harder yellow-er types.

2) Fry 2 (big) yellow onions in a shallow frying pan with olive oil, slow cook them, so that they don't burn and they should caramelize in the pan. Sprinkle a tiny bit of salt and pepper to taste.

3) After the potatoes are boiled and tender, de-skin them and scallop them. Grease an oven-safe glass dish with a bit of butter, so that the food doesn't stick. Line the bottom of the dish with the potatoes. Don't use up all of them.

4) I had some leftover cooked chicken chunks, so i layered them over the potatoes. I also added ham slices, add half of the previously fried onions.

5) I used something like 1 and a half containers of Bulla cream (350ml to 400ml), and added dollops of it, scattered among the meat, onions, etc. Don't use all of it yet. As and when you feel that some corners/portions are dry, just put some cream there. Added dollops of butter also, but not too much.

6) Slopped ready made packet french onion soup all over to flavour the dish. Add amount according to your own disgression. Similarly, if you find it a bit dry, you can slop some more. Up to you! Just keep in mind that as you add, you are adding more flavour/salt into your dish, so you want to mentally keep stock of what you are dumping into the dish so that when you finally eat it, you aren't overwhelmed with the taste of one particular ingredient.

7) Also throw in cheddar cheese. I added red cheese and the regular yellow one. However, make sure that you cut up the cheese into little pieces, so that when it melts, it melts out evenly and not in little lumps here and there.

(at this point, i would recommend adding some cubed green/red/yellow pepper. Reason being it's good to add some vegetable and it also adds a crunch to the dish. You can either fry it first with the yellow onion or if you want it a bit more raw, just add it as it is in this layer.)

8) I sprinkled a tiny amount of salt, but in this case, i did so because not many of the other ingredients were salty naturally, except for the cheese and ham. If your version has other stuff that is salty, then don't add anymore.

9) Once the middle portion is done with all the layering and stuff, put your final layer of potatoes and also the fried onions as the top layer of your potato bake. Add the rest of the cream too. Use a ladle to gentle press everything into the dish. After that, grab a pack of shredded mozeralla cheese and add a generous layer of cheese on top of the potatoes and onions.

10) Lastly, sprinkle a tiny amount of mixed herbs evenly, and also coarse black pepper.

11) Throw everything into the oven and wait for the mozeralla cheese to brown to the colour you want!

Hope this helps and doesn't sound too messy or complicated. It isn't complicated once you get your ingredients prepared really.

Ask me if you have any doubts! :-D

1. Did i mention that beginner motorcyclists in the circuit (relative to beginner car drivers) and inconsiderate ones outside are really pesky. I tell you, they are asking for an accident to happen, with the way they simply shoot out from the lane without considering or even SEEING that a car is coming their way/coming out or that they are the vulnerable ones when they try to squeeze by the side of the car. Sheesh.

2. Kitchen is mine for the next few days! Hopefully i can be making food that people will enjoy eating (which happens to be the minority of the time).

3. Shape run is tomorrow. I hope my lungs and legs won't give me a hard time. I'm mentally strong (in my mind, 10km is considered an ok-not-that-long distance, and 5km is considered to be a fun run distance) but i'm physically kinda weak, for some weird reason despite having been training for months. And i have 7 other girls coming with me. WOW, RECORD NUMBER! FINALLY!

i was enchanted...

Over lunch at home, i channel surfed and decided to watch Enchanted because it looked entertaining and quite amusing... Little did i know that i would find such a gem of a song. It's a little sad, message-wise, but it's just the moment that captured my heart.

I had goosebumps while watching them dance but most of all, through listening to the way the song was sang. The tone of the singer's (Jon Mclaughlin) voice, the pitch, dynamics, the heartfelt emotion poured into it. (oh man, the actor guy, ok patrick dempsey, sang a bit of the song softly to her, it was SO SWEET. Augghhh....)



Ok, a version without the actors talking midway.



Lyrics (Music Video of Giselle and Robert dancing from Walt Disney's "Enchanted"):

You're in my arms
And all the world is calm
The music playing on for only two
So close together
And when I'm with you
So close to feeling alive

A life goes by
Romantic dreams will stop
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now forever I know
All that I wanted to hold you
So close

So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
And now you're beside me and look how far we've come
So far we are so close How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We're so close
To reaching that famous happy end
And almost believing this was not pretend
Let's go on dreaming for we know we are
So close
So close
And still so far

Part 2 of Home Cookout: Potato Gratin/Potato Bake

Just some of the ingredients... But i had more stuff sitting elsewhere. Like a packet of onion soup, cream, etc.
Slow fried (to caramelize) these yellow onions in a little olive oil and a bit of salt and pepper to taste.

Boiling the russet potatoes first before baking, otherwise it would take forever to bake and the cheese on top would burn to carbon!
Messy cross section. But just you wait! We have a potato base, onions, red and white cheese, chicken, ham, cream, dollops of butter, a sprinkle of salt, french onion soup.
The unbaked finished product. Topped with potatoes again, onions, mozarella chesse, coarse black pepper and mixed herbs.
Baking in zee oven!
Tadah!
Yummers. Everyone loved eet! For once, joline makes something that she didn't have to eat all by herself to finish it (like in most other cases because got no business from family members even...).

In future, i could add prawns, button mushrooms, red/green/yellow peppers and garlic. Muah hahaha...

Part 1 of Home Cookout: Strawberry Cheesecake

Was on a quest to reattempt to make my strawberry cheesecake for V to try. Also doubled up as dessert for Jun who was coming over for dinner.

Creaming the cheese manually with the sugar and gelatine mixture.
Poured the mixture over my biscuit base which i had prepared earlier and placed in the fridge.

There we go! Into the fridge to set for a while before i lay out the strawberries.

Ok, this dude is my proof that i used organic strawberries. I was washing the strawberries that i had bought about 2 days ago, when i turned a berry over to find this little dude still and not moving with all his legs hidden somewhere. I turned my attention away for a bit and when i returned to my berries, i was surprised to find that s/he was crawling fine and dandy about! So there. No pesticides, fresh organic strawberries with a ladybug thrown in. Took the liberty to snap pictures of the lovely little harmless creature.

After the cheese had set, i placed my strawberries in rows and then poured my jelly mixture over the whole thing. Jelly mixture is the pink liquid you see... Raspberry flavoured.

The finished product after setting in the fridge for a few hours to ensure it was ready! The pink is actually a deeper shade. The colour here looks a bit washed out.

Here you go! :oD

Stay tuned for part 2...

I need a break from life. Not that i want to temporarily cease to exist. I just want a life without having to go through the mandatory aspects of surviving in this world. Know what i mean.

wish i could clone him

he stuffed his own face between the pillows and it was just TOO cute! :oD

just one of the many times...

I have one of the nicest human beings in the world as my significant other. He is SO NICE to the point that it is almost inhuman.

Today, i was at Challenger and called him asking for his opinion about the prices of external hard drives and which brands were reliable. Instead of just letting me buy the stuff off the rack there and then, he offered to go down to the now ongoing PC Show at city hall where he knew there would be better deals. Like, he WANTED to make the effort to squeeze with the rest of geeky Singapore just to get me my stuff.

Not only did he help me purchase them on my behalf, he took the trouble to travel back to the west so that he could pass the stuff to me when he could have simply gone home (east side) first. And when he arrived back to the west, he waited an hour for me to be done with cell group. And it was already late, like 10+pm. O.o

Since i wasn't feeling too good (stupid driving simulator practice i had made me dizzy and queasy), he saw me all the way home (west) even when it meant that he couldn't take the train home (too late), which would've been much more convenient for him. Some guys would've just cared more about his own convenience and let the girlfriend go home on her own.

I did stop along the way to pick up some yoghurt though, and because i was having a hard time moving around quickly (so as not to further upset my dizzy head and throw up) and deciding (mental processes had slowed down to a crawl), he very willingly carried my bag and purchases for me, waited alongside me as i took AGES to decide on what to get. Not a single squeak or complaint from him to me to hurry up. Genuinely cheerful, supportive and caring for my needs as always.

I was already so thankful but when i reached home, he slipped a big packet of cookies into my plastic bag of electronics. :-)

God really put a HUGE, soft heart in this guy, it's unbelievable.