Remember i said that i recently have been stuffing my face?

The desperation with which i dug into the fridge looking for something sweet and brown, and the ferocity in how i broke the hard piece into smaller bits, threw them into my mouth and chewed down hard despite my liking for it to be melted and smooth, shocked me.

(I'm surprised i didn't gnaw on the bar a la viking:drumstick)

I actually felt my cranial dwelling neurons sigh a huge sigh of relief as my taste buds savoured, in frenzied urgency, the familiar taste of chocolate.

Uh, I am not pregnant.

Introduction to Family: (COMPLETED. HALLELUJAH!)
Genogram x 1 (DONE)
Role Play x 1 (DONE)
Case Study x 1 (DONE)
MCQ Test x 1 (DONE)
Overall Grade: A- (PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Group Counselling: (COMPLETED. HOSANNA!)
Individual Paper x 1 (DONE)
Co-facilitator's Paper x 1 (DONE)
Transcripting x 1 (DONE)
Group Counselling with Violent Youths Presentation x 1 (DONE)

Advanced Counselling: (AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Big Fat Essay x 1 (Panicking)

Psychopathology and Appraisal: (EEEEKSS)
Case Study Presentation x 1 (DONE)
3000 word essay x 1 (THINKING: How to do...)
Topic Presentation x 1 (DONE, waiting for group mate to do his edits)
MCQ Test x 1

during this coming holidays, i will just spend it exercising.

because firstly, i am broke and exercising is free of charge. what is more, i get to gym at the NTU alumni club as a unisim alumus. teehee. and the gym is not bad at all!

secondly, i need to get myself into shape... been stuffing my face recently and am enjoying it tremendously. *beam*

thirdly, after this hols, it's my practicum so it's my way of preparing myself mentally and physically.

I've never said it out loud before till tonight... that I've always felt second class. I was struck by how bitter i sounded when i spoke to my leader. I think these feelings have been harboured for far too long that it's not funny.

I've always felt that i'm not communicated to, i always have to figure it out on my own what in the world the others are doing, unless i flail my arms and yell that i'm lost. I've asked for help but i've always been made to feel that i'm troubling people and/or holding everyone back, especially when there are parties who are always raring to go. I often don't feel included, i don't feel heard, i feel patronized. I wondered if it was just me. I think part of it is, but part of it isn't.

I wondered if it was something i had to put up with, close one eye. But apparently, it resulted in a minor explosion today. And i didn't expect my leader to react so quickly... i think the only thing that made it better for me was that i wasn't the only one feeling less than good about the situation.

Not very comfortable with the fact that it came out still because i've been controlling and suppressing it for so long, so when i just ranted, it sounded really emotional and i don't normally rant to my (guy) leader!

Couldn't help but feel bad afterwards but i guess what has to be said, has been said. The next best thing to do is to keep walking, the aftermath is to be civil and mature about it.

http://www.myspace.com/mattmahermusic (the sound quality for the songs is better from this link)

I'm having a blast listening to just these 3 songs on the website!

The last song ("Empty and Beautiful") captivated me musically (piano and orchestral arrangement was absolutely awesome) and lyrically. The musical support really melted together with the words and made it truly a heartfelt, thankful love letter to Jesus.

It's a song about Apostle Paul who was going through a really, really, tough time but yet was stoic and remained faithful to God. Of course he was not without his difficulties but yup, as you listen to the song, you can hear how God sustained him.

Intro to the song:


The song (but the sound not very good):


Maher describes the heart behind his debut (the CD also by the same name, "Empty and Beautiful"):
“In life, we end up having to empty ourselves to achieve that which is beautiful. If you don’t, you never really get made beautiful. It’s a weird dichotomy, especially in the world we live in because there’s so much focus on beauty. The whole idea of having to empty one’s self to achieve beauty is completely counter cultural, but that’s what happens—marriage, service of the poor, sharing the beauty of the gospel. That’s what Christ calls us to do, and I hope these songs will help inspire people to follow Jesus in that way.”
(Source: http://www.myspace.com/mattmahermusic )

this posting of my work progress really helps me keep accountable to myself...

Introduction to Family: (COMPLETED. HALLELUJAH!)
Genogram x 1 (DONE)
Role Play x 1 (DONE)
Case Study x 1 (DONE)
MCQ Test x 1 (DONE)
Overall Grade: A- (PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Group Counselling:
Individual Paper x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
Co-facilitator's Paper x 1 (STATUS: WHAT?!)
Transcripting x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
Group Counselling with Violent Youths Presentation x 1 (DONE)

Advanced Counselling:
Big Fat Essay x 1 (Panicking)

Psychopathology and Appraisal:
Case Study Presentation x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
3000 word essay x 1 (THINKING: How to do...)
Topic Presentation x 1 (DONE, waiting for group mate to do his edits)
MCQ Test x 1

***

classroom = altar call room

My God heals the sick, grows out legs (elongate) for people who have one leg shorter than the other (He does! Just ask my pastor who witnessed it first hand... i will be glad to introduce you to her), He gets cancer tumours out of people, restores sight, hearing, mobility, everything! He basically specializes in the humanly impossible. God is AWESOME!

I have 2 classmates in my class who just recently got diagnosed with back problems and I'm hearing one of them wince in pain week after week. I want so bad to bring God's kingdom into my class, to my classmates. I want to see my classmates' eyes and hearts become open and receptive to Jesus. I want to be that child of God who's working out her faith so that His greatness is shown. Like, i want my classroom to be an altar call area for people to be captivated by Christ, to want to be prayed for and to be healed (in any way, physically, emotionally, etc) because Jesus HEALS! I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to. I want Jesus to be known! I really want people to see and know that Jesus is REAL and that they are loved.

I had a thought a few days ago, which is to pray for one particular classmate, and the thought has been bugging me for a few days. I have so much fear. Yet, it is not about how big my faith is that matters, but rather, it is who i put that tiny bit of faith IN. Because it isn't me who is going to heal anyone, it is Jesus.

Imagine, if one classmate is prayed for and experieces God's love and healing, wouldn't that start a mini frenzy of sorts? I don't know for sure... But if God willing, that would be the start of a kind of revival NIE needs, the kind of revival NTU, our schools, Singapore needs!

God's people need to move in faith to bring Jesus to the people. How? If i want to experience things i've never experienced before, i need to do things that i've never done before.

How? GOD! Give me that SUPER CLEAR opportunity please? And can you tell me in my face that that IS THE opportunity? Cos you know your daughter can be duh-blur one.

But of course, there are times when God does not heal and it feels lousy but still, it is an exercise of faith, to still have faith when we see nothing obvious happen. That's what faith is about, isn't it? I guess i worry about what the person i prayed for might think... but that... isn't really my business, come to think of it. My job is to simply obey joyfully. :-) It's God's issue to take up with that person. Not mine.

a draft written on the 18th of oct 2008

I finally realized something. I realized why i used to get so "jaded" and critical during worship in church. It's because i did not sustain my own worship life outside of church.

When i say i "don't sustain", i don't mean i stop being a Christian. It just means that i don't engage with God as much as i want to. I often get too busy to talk to Him and so keep in step with Him.

You see. Every time i come to church and i go for prayer and worship with my team, or with the whole church, i feel as if i have to switch on "the whole close eyes, lift hands, holy moly actions, yada yada". But that's BECAUSE... i don't even continue my worship life outside church! OF COURSE i would feel like i have to switch on and switch off "the mode". It's suppose to be... ON the whole time.

But then, i also had the realization that worship does not HAVE to consist of those physical actions i mentioned. In actuality, u can worship any how you want to. The word i got was, "Freedom". Freedom to do anything u want, anything tt shows the Lord your heart's posture of worship.

Which is why, when i come to church after a week of conscientiously keeping quiet time, i come for worship and prayer feeling more refreshed, happy and REAL. The worship is genuine and wholehearted. The only difference is that i am now worshipping with others!

First things first. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MISS L!
Miss L is my long time jc mate and boy, have we been through a fair bit... But we always know that our friendship is worth... uh, there's no worth to match it with, it is priceless, it has crossed to the infinitely qualitive, and that's what makes us carry on as good friends after all these years though we don't meet up often at all. My friend for life! :oD

***

Introduction to Family:
Genogram x 1 (Due: 30th April, NOT DONE)
Role Play x 1 (Due: 30th April) (IMPROMPTU?!)
Case Study x 1 (DONE)
MCQ Test x 1 (DONE)

Group Counselling:
Individual Paper x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
Co-facilitator's Paper x 1 (STATUS: WHAT?!)
Transcripting x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
Group Counselling with Violent Youths Presentation x 1 (DONE)

Advanced Counselling:
Big Fat Essay x 1 (Panicking)

Psychopathology and Appraisal:
Case Study Presentation x 1 (IN PROGRESS, Due: 6th April)
3000 word essay x 1
Topic Presentation x 1 (DONE, but need to edit ppt slides for final submission!)
MCQ Test x 1

***

In other news. I passed my driving final theory test! FINALLY. FINNNAAALLLYYYY!!!!!

It took me 7 (what a nice God inspired number... God made everything in "7 days") long beautiful years for me to feel ready in mind and soul and spirit and body and emo and... you get the idea, to take up the driving challenge. I think i mentioned this before. When i finished my A levels, i went ahead just like most other JC students to go get their licenses. Once i passed my basic theory though, i just lost it because i wasn't keen on studying some more for final theory (tired of studying after A levels) and more so, i was just freaking out at the thought of driving.

SO YES. Now that i am READY, i can go for lessons any time now! I AM ELATED! (But i don't feel the elation until someone reminds me about it. I think it's because i'm too busy with school right now)

Imagine... I can soon be using the car to move around and get myself home in double quick time.

All righty. Time to go. Big thanks to everyone who has been cheering me on here and in your own ways. :-) I'm really encouraged and touched. :-)

schoolverk update 2 (updated, bold=new development)

Intro to Family:
Genogram x 1
Case Study x 1 (DONE)
Role Play x 1
MCQ Test x 1 (DONE)

Group Counselling:
Individual Paper x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
Co-facilitator's Paper x 1
Transcribing x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
Group Counselling with Violent Youths Presentation x 1 (DONE)

Advanced Counselling:
Big Fat Essay x 1

Psychopathology and Appraisal:
Case Study Presentation x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
3000 word essay x 1
Topic Presentation x 1 (DONE, but need to edit ppt slides for final submission!)
MCQ Test x 1

Chiong ah!

To my friends who have been patient with me: thanks so much for your understanding and i need er, more understanding, as you can see... Hoho.

I slept so badly last night because my mind was so anxious and kept waking me up to think about whether i should go back to my work. I was tempted once but i figured no point sleeping so little and feeling deflated throughout the day. Ironically, i am already feeling sleepy because of my failed attempt to sleep and waking up multiple times.

***

In other news, my dad blessed me with a netbook! In times like these as an older but a non-working-still-studying child, i'm appreciating things a lot more, taking less things for granted, feeling more thankful for what i've been given. (although i feel guilt!)

My current 15" lappie gives me arm and shoulder aches (my biceps actually get a good workout and they ache the next day even) every time i bring it out to do work and it's been a source of inconvenience although it is definitely more powerful. Since i inherited it from my dad, he understands the problem and i guess that was what made him more empathetic towards my needs.

I was really surprised at how readily he gave me the freedom to decide if i wanted the netbook. Usually, i would be the one trying to convince him and he would be the one telling me to think about whether i really needed it. This time it was the other way around. The option was there to get it and it was my decision as to whether i wanted to go ahead.

So now i have a lovely white Lenovo S10, called Lenny. All the lappies i've had have names... :-)
Adele (Dell): my first proper lappie of my own
AyeSirMajorGeneral (Acer): my current lappie
Lenny (Lenovo): my portable mini-me (Gem helped me name it. i said 'how about mini-me'? and he said, 'how about lenny'? I thought Lenny sounded nicer, so Lenny it is!)

I had decided to get it in black at first because the cumulative dirt will be less visible. But when i took a second look at the white, i halted the salesguy at the IT show and said i wanted white instead because if i didn't change it, i knew i would regret it! Although now i have to face the consequences of seeing a greying/browning lappie over time. Eeee. Usually i am a sorta practical person, but i figured since AyeSir was black and i use it more often anyways, it won't hurt to get a white one that i would use more only when i go out.

Adele is still alive though she once threatened to crash some time ago... That was when my dad rushed to get me an external hard drive to save everything. She's kinda slow in processing things now and her screen is riddled with these burnout lines (i think). I think i'll go clean her up (file & program-wise) one of these days when i'm done with assignments.

just to give u an insight into my school life at the moment...

I have a TON OF WORK:

Intro to Family:
Genogram x 1
Case Study x 1
Role Play x 1
MCQ Test x 1

Group Counselling:
Individual Paper x 1
Co-facilitator's Paper x 1
Transcripting x 1
Group Counselling with Violent Youths Presentation x 1

Advanced Counselling:
Essay x 1

Psychopathology and Appraisal:
Case Study Presentation x 1
3000 word essay x 1
Topic Presentation x 1
MCQ Test x 1

Guess what. NONE HAVE BEEN COMPLETED NOR STUDIED FOR. DEADLINES ARE COMING UP WITHIN THE NEXT 4 WEEKS.

You tell me how? Very dead right.

I need isolation to get all this DONE!

ARGHGHGHGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS IT!!!! THESE MOZZIES ARE DRIVING ME NUTS!

ANOTHER COLLECTION OF 5 BITES IN MY FOREHEAD!

EVEN WHEN I COVER MY HEAD, IT FLIES INSIDE AND BUZZES BESIDE MY EAR!!!

YOU ARE ALL GOING TO DIEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

OCBC Cycle Singapore with La! 22 Feb 2009 Sunday

At about late 6ish in the morning. La kindly offered to take a picture of me and my east coast species type of mountain bike. 'New G-sports' or something like that. Go figure. ;o)




































La with her own bike. La is super pro one ok.


This was taken before we began, somewhere at the back end of the starting line queue.

Still waiting for our race to begin. Drastic change in lighting hor. La giving me a cute smile

Us!

I REALLY love this picture! What happened was we u-turned into East Coast Park and started alongside the sea. I was so overwhelmed by the beautiful view of the sea and how the morning sun was shining down on the water, making it glint and sparking...

So... this is one for the memories!

Nice accidental photo taken by La. :o)

I really have La to thank for snapping pictures of me for me to remember the event by... I can't handle a bike and a camera as well as her to take decent photos!

Ok, i tried to take one. This was the only full body shot i managed to take. La was so cute... When we rode next to one another so that she could pass me her phone she said: "Jo... If you cannot (manage) right, just drop the phone ok and save your life..."

HAHAHAHHAHAHA... So funny but i was like, awww...

Another cute picture of us at the last aid station where we could get free 100 plus. I tell you, chilled 100 plus tasted heavenly after 2 plus hours of hard cycling. But the sun was SO HOT that the drinks warmed up so quickly.

Ah... the finishing stretch... Which was devoid of people to support others coming in from the race. Haiyo. In running events, there're always people standing by the finishing line cheering their friends and strangers on.

It was quite an experience, and a new one at that. I really prayed for God's protection since cycling isn't my forte and there were like at least 3000-4000 people cycling on that day.

It was certainly more fun cycling with a friend than cycling all alone... I knew La could go faster than me but she stayed beside me all the way from start to end and i was really quite thankful for her patience and willingness to accomodate me. It's a lot easier to zoom right off when one is very much able to but she chose to stay... :o) Thanks La. *beam*

(i have this inkling that the alignment of photos and text are all wonky. ah well.)

Van and i have planned to go watch Marley and Me! But we sure did not know that, when we took this photo... Somewhere either in Dec or Jan at some MRT station. It was after a party at Dom's place.

Cute right......................... Heh heh.

(if you're thinking: "that looks like some PE attire you're wearing Jo." Well, yes it was. We were suppose to come dressed to the party in our old school uniform. Only Joy and i did!)

Gah... i owe myself a ton of movies.

Changeling, Benjamin Button, The Reader, Slumdog Millionaire, Marley and Me, Transformers.

Hohoh.... OCBC Cycle Singapore, here i come!

I MUST take photos... somehow...

"Xiaojie xiaojie! Ting yi xia!" (include a line in dialect that means the same thing)
("Miss, miss, please stop!")

*jo turns around to see a hulking guy chasing from behind holding what looks like a magazine. does not notice this face.*

"Wo shi zhe ke ren..." *guy points at a photo of himself on a magazine photoshoot*

*at this, jo glances upwards slightly and with her peripheral vision, instantly recognizes the man!*

"Ni yao zhuo model mah?"
("Do you want to be a model?")

*jo waves hand at him to indicate "no" and smiles as politely (and uneasily) as possible and backs off*

"Ni shi xing jia po ren mah?"
("Are you singaporean?")

*jo says 'uh yes', and continues to back off and then turns to walk briskly away*

Guess who the man was? hint: the unfamous personality who lurks around orchard looking for girls to allow him to shape their eyebrows for them.

OH MAN... it was my first ever brush with this guy on the streets and i was alone and quite terrified! And so not flattered.... HAHHAHAHAHAA. But very amused!

He is actually taller than i had imagined him to be. And quite elaborately dressed... Like, glam streetwear and bling. (Er, not that i know what that really means but that was the first impression i got) Honestly, i really wonder how he survives living in Singapore. What does he do for a living? Does he have any family and actual friends? And more interestingly, how in the world does he constantly keep up his bizarre behaviour and personal opinions and viewpoints? Is he really, really like that?

I recently told a youth pastor that, "it is ridiculous that i am in counselling (a counselling student). It is ridiculous!" At that, he laughed heartily for the first time in our conversation, only after a good solid 1 hour or so of sharing.

So i shared with him about my fear(s) and why i thought it was utterly ridiculous, and we talked a bit about the prayer he said over me before and what God had told me through him. He was the same pastor who prayed about:

1. God wants to give, or already has given the gift of protecting, caring, laying down of my life for those i love, like a shepherd. But to do that, I first need to know the shepherd. Psalms 23.
2. A picture of an overflowing cup.
3. Jesus wants me to know that He stands beside me always, with his arm around me. (I REALLY needed to know that! I've always wanted God to show me that He's always close beside me.)
4. Love with Courage! (When pastor said this in his prayer, he digressed to tell me that he didn't know why he said that, but felt that it must be said.)

At that time, this pastor did not know me well and neither did he know that i was a counselling student.

Further into the discussion, he had let on that part of the reason as to why he wanted to catch up with me was because when he went back home that day (the day when he prayed for me) and he felt that God was saying to him, "that He (God) will groom me into someone i never thought/imagine that i would be".

(this is a very real concern for me... because who i am now does not match with who i think i should be or who i would like to be. and in view of my career choice, who i am is a huge factor.)

With that, all the memories of previous messages (all the same in meaning) from God spoken through different people in my life at different times flashed in my mind, and i was like... GOD! I'M WAITING! I WISH I COULD KNOW WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT, NOOOOW!!!

When i showed my pastor my incredulous face coupled with my incredulous situation, he said with a broad smile, "You must be on the right path. Because God chooses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise." (that's from 1 Cor 1: 27)

(The rest of the verse:

"... God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.
He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things - and the things that are not - to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before Him.
(and now the important part...)
It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus,
who has become for us wisdom from God - that is - our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore it is written: 'Let him who boasts boasts in the Lord'")

Honestly. I'm beginning to feel the heat in class, now that we are kickstarting the role play. Role playing is when we team up with 2 or more other classmates and we take turns to learn to be the therapist and client(s). Also, there is the co-facilitation of a support group.

I totally suck at it right now because i constantly am at a lost of what to ask my "client", my mind blanks out and freezes with despair when my client gives me a certain look or when i run out of things to say, or when i ask a question and realise that it is irrelevant. I often feel that my classmates do not benefit from me being a "stumbling block" (but only for now, NOT in future!!!!) and i feel so bad about it.

I am also beginning to see more conflicts happening in class, between classmates. Sometimes i may be a part of it and it's a sad and demoralising feeling to be on guard all the time. My class size is so small (at its smallest, there are only 5 students, and at its largest, 11 students) that word passes around very quickly.

What's more, let me tell you that working with adults as a young, bright eyed and bushy tailed noob is rather tricky. They are ultra sensitive to dynamics, classroom climate, the very subtle and underlying meanings that lie beaneath simple sounding words of other people. Nothing is as it SEEMS on the surface.

Because the training puts me in a really difficult position as an untried counsellor/therapist, the mistakes that i make are constant and so the feelings of disappointment and me having to berate myself happens all the time.

I'm beginning to see how though i know many things in theory, putting it into practice stumps me completely. I think i know many things, but i fail to deliver. I'm really at Ground Zero, crawling around on all fours trying to find a way of how to get onto my two feet.

Did i also mention? I am the youngest in class and the only one with no formal revelant experience. In terms of maturity/age and work experience, i am the least advantaged.

As you can already tell, the odds are huge... Where I am now, and the place where God is encouraging me with seems like a lifetime apart. The only thing that is keeping me assured and focused on my choice of career is the consistent assurance from Father God that i'm doing the right thing.

But i know that this is part of my moulding process and i have to go through with it despite it being painful... Being pressured and squished into a nice shape at the end of the day.

And really, that makes me confident (though still trembling in my shoes) enough to keep moving on, because of the knowledge that God has already paved the way for me and is cheering for me by the sidelines and at the finishing line.

I am super dui because i've been attacked by mosquitoes for 3 nights already...

Mozzies at first bit my arms and legs and body, parts that were uncovered by my blanket during the 1st and 2nd nights. So i got fed up and made sure that i was fully covered except for my face. I tell you, i was so annoyed when while sleeping, i hear the buzzing of their stupid mozzie wings NEXT TO MY EAR! Half asleep, i slapped my hand over my ear like, twice.

Which was a half stupid move because each time i did that, i got temporarily and partially deaf.

Then last night, the $#$#%$%^% bugs couldn't get their fill from me via my legs and arms because they were covered so them bug freaks bit me all over my FACE! DARNIT! I have 6 mozzie bites on my forehead can? I awoke scratching my forehead furiously yesterday night. I know i have a high forehead but please man, just when my zits were clearing up?!?!??! They also bit me on my cheeks. So now it looks like i have big pimples all over my face. Looks aside, it ITCHES! ARGH.

Super pissed off! It's actually quite funny when i tell people about it, but when i look into the mirror and/or when i feel the tingle of the itch, i get really really disgruntled man. Can i say something in hokkien please.

soft shell crab venture

So here's a fine specimen of my raw soft shell crab with his limbs all curled in and still a little frozen. He's quite a little guy really. (i realize i shouldn't be talking about the crab in such endearing terms given his circumstances. Hmm...)

In my palm.

According to cleaning instructions, the gills have to be removed. It's that shiny white part.

The layout and ingredients, part 1.

Layout and ingredients, part 2.

Crabs all cleaned and ready to be battered.

A mix of flour and egg.

In the pan.................

Tadah!

As you can see, the ones on the left look more crab like. That was during the beginning of the frying process when the egg hadn't messed itself up with the flour, so still giving the fried crabs their shape.

On the right, well, that's when flour and egg decided to become a mish and mash, so instead of looking like a batter covering the crab, it became more of like a crab omelette. Delicious nonetheless. :-)

***

Since these were pan fried and not deep fried (like those bought from shops outside that sell them at cut throat prices), you still get a good bite into the flesh and the juices will all come gushing out. :-) Because of that, i recommend that if you want to cook this, think up/look up a good marinade for the crab so that you maximise the role of the juices... You'll want something more multi dimensional in taste then my simple marinade of just salt and thyme.