Wow. I just realized how much i miss The Lion King... I just caught the first one, the 1 1/2 one and The Lion King 2 on YouTube. OK! I know, i ought to be shot for spending my time doing that.

But oh... my gosh. It's so wonderful watching it again. Apart from the kiddy Disney songs (actually, the lyrics are quite funny too), the jokes are still worthy of genuine laughter and the animators and artists REALLY did such a good job depicting the emotions of the characters. Every twitch, every slight movement on the faces and bodies of the characters are so precise and intentional and accurate. Such a work of art in a movie made in the 1990s (but i'm thinking... i believe that the conception of ideas and artwork would've begun somewhere in the 1980s?).

I wanna buy the whole DVD set if possible! It's like treasure to me. :-)

i never knew

The answer may seem obvious. But i don't know HOW my friends can tell. I mean, i almost always wear a poker straight face when i walk around but when they saw me in church yesterday, they instinctively knew that something was wrong.

I'm sorry to have to put up names here... but i hope you don't mind because otherwise you won't ever know who you are...

Alina, Nat, Joy, Kenny, Jess, Roy, Weirong. I don't know how, but your concern shown really blew me away. To you who noticed and asked, to you who bothered to stay and listen to me and offer counsel, to you who gave me wordless encouraging hugs and pats with a knowing look in your eyes, to you who messaged me even when i was out of sight, listening to me over the phone during the wee hours, to you who despite your own problems offered to pray for me, to the one who even FORCED me to talk, thank you.

You might not know it, but it sure meant something special and felt good for the soul of someone who never thought that she was worth anybody's attention and love.

(I can't shake off the feeling that i might have missed out on someone... I'm pretty sure it's all covered but hey, maybe it's because i felt so well taken care of by so many! :-) )

no more. :-(

I think i've come to the end of my running days. If my knees don't heal/cartilage too worn out, then it's time to say goodbye to something that i've invested so much in and move on to something else.

I guess i've got to still train for my 10km in dec. If i find that my knees are going nowhere but downhill after that, then it's probably time to admit that this year's standard chartered run could well be my last. Sigh.

I dreamt that...

I was standing by the side of a lake and on the other side of the same lake, was a lady dressed in the chinese fighting martial arts outfit. She stood about 50 metres away from me, on a grey rock that protruded out from the lake's bank. She seemed to be preparing to fight something, judging from the way she looked poised to take on anything.

Then, i looked up towards the sky and i saw an orange, red and yellow pheonix dive from the clouds and swoop down to attack the woman. She did some really solid kungfu moves and she defeated it.

Next, from the same spot in the sky, i saw a green demon dive down as well with bulging eyes and horns and all, to attack the woman who stood on the rock. With almost little effort, she skillfully fought the demon and chopped off its head.

Now, the context of this dream is that it's like Earth, where spiritual things aren't normally seen by everyone. Somehow, i knew that it was because God allowed me to see what was happening. So as you can imagine, i was utterly thrilled to see something i "wasn't suppose to see" and i felt really privileged.

As i stood on the side of the lake, i quizzically asked God 2 questions: "God, why did you allow me to see what i just saw?"

He said, "You see, in the physical world, we tend to see people who fight the spiritual war in a strange light. We think they believe in weird things and behave in odd ways because we cannot see what they can see and we cannot see what they are fighting against. For example, if i did not allow you to see the appearance of the adversaries, you would have thought that that woman was fighting thin air. You would have thought she was behaving a bit oddly."

Then i asked him, "But i am also your child, i am a Christian too, why did the phoenix and demon not see and attack me? Why did they/you spare me and go to that woman?"

And God said: "It is because she is grounded in the Word (the Bible, which is the word of God) and strong, so therefore she is more equipped to fight."

***

For the first message, i took this to mean that i should be more open with what God's people are doing today. Some of them claim to be doing something in the supernatural and they most certainly behave strangely! Which i always find disturbing. But i guess, if these people are moving in God's authority and power, than i should support them in spirit and truth.

That being said, i should also always test the spirit behind every deed and claim. It's because nowadays, as the world comes to an end, the devil is coming to deceive God's people and lead them away from God with all the trickery he can muster.

For the second message, it seems pretty clear to me that it's time i should be reading and digesting the bible through and through!

Interestingly, i have just bought a 365 day daily devotional that requires me to just spend a short time with God, with a verse and a short para on God's character and a reflection. It doesn't take much time to spend with God. The reason why i bought it was because i found that other devotionals tended to throw too many things at me in a short time, without allowing me to focus and meditate slowly on the word, God's character or whatever the devotions is focusing on. Admittedly, i don't spend enough time with God than i would like to.

Because of the brief nature of the devotional, it means that i do not delve deeply and cover the bible extensively. Which i guess... seems to be a problem.

Of course being a critical person and a psych student and all, i am led to wonder if the dream is an expression of my guilt or whether it is really God telling me something. I suppose the logic and orderliness of the dream is quite astounding and the messages are biblical. I must say that the 2 issues are issues that i find hard to address in my Christian life: dealing with the supernatural and being familiar with the bible.

So. Yes. Do you find this thought provoking? I hope you do, because to me it might just change my life.

Ah! Rush rush today. Tomorrow's homework and readings are NOT done yet, today's readings are not done yet (when doing a masters, doing your readings before class is PARAMOUNT, cannot run away from it one!), and i already have to get ready for school NOW when i haven't eaten lunch and, and, and, ARGH!

Ok, then why am i blogging? To preserve my sanity! :-DDDD

Oh, and i signed up for kickboxing classes with Miss R for 5 weeks, on thursdays and i er, couldn't help but sign up for archery too. Hohoho. Despite my schedule being absolutely PACKED. WHO CARES. I NEED TO BE A STUDENT with a LIFE! Even if only for a while.... but if God says to sacrifice... then, to sacrifice it, i will. :-S (but can i only sacrifice being on the school team, can i still join for fun? :-DDD Alternatively, i can go back to shooting for ACS, instead of NTU. Shooting for ACS would allow me to train on Sundays instead of Saturdays.)

(When i saw the archery booth at NTU, my heart started to pump faster, my breathing was like, shorter, my mind was swirling and i just, i just... against all odds, HAD to get myself involved!!!! Somehow!!!)

Ok, ramble done. Back to CHIONGING like mad.

Oh, i have a weird dream (but Miss R says it may be more than that) to share. More on that later.

Oh nuts. As the NTU ECA Fair rolls around starting tomorrow, my head is filling up with the familiar images surrounding archery and the feeling of drawing, aiming and releasing is making me go dreamy.

Will i ever get back to shooting? Will i ever have time to devote to archery?

Other than the march in and march past (my regular favourite throughout all these years) during our national day parade, i thought the display by the Singapore Silat Federation was SO COOL. Oh, and i think the song composed for this year is tasteful (did you see the "mtv" for it? it was so heartfelt) and Joi Chua and Hady Mirza sang so beautifully together!

***

I have a pimple on my jawline that is so mountainous that i think it can caste its own significant shadow.

And so it has been...

It hasn't been easy. I've only had 2 days in school and i have been bombed, shell shocked, pick-up-jaw-off-the-floor horrified, by the amount of work (and the quality of work expected, as V and i have agreed on) meted out by the lecturers.

To date (my collection as of monday and tuesday only, ok!):

1. Group work: Journal summary and analysis + group meetings + presentation (due: 18th August 2008)
2. 1 Week study of newspaper articles + Report writing
3. Daily/Weekly textbook readings.
4. Weekly written reflections (due: weekly)
5. Essay (counting...)
6. Interview (to my really agreeable interviewee, THANK YOU. You have really blessed me beyond any word of thanks.)
7. Reading of supplementary journals (got the kind where you need coffee as a companion)
8. Future group work and ROLE PLAY. OH MY *beep beep beep*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I CANNOT ACT! I LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY! AND THAT IS NOT GOOD FOR CLASS PARTICIPATION POINTS!)

Is this what full time undergraduates have to deal with too? Is this normal? (I did my undergraduate studies part time. It was busy, yes, but not THIS loaded!) OR, is this what a masters course is like? It's totally new to me!

So, let me tell you.........

- Because i'm the youngest in the cohort of 14 adult students, i constantly feel like i am the most inexperienced of the lot. Feeling judged and calculated.

- Feel as if i've to prove myself smart enough to be able to match their experience.

- I'm going to be STREEEETCCHHHEDDDD!

- But i have to remind myself that God gave me this place and so i need to be assured that HE HAS prepared the way already, that i have His favour, and that everything will be taken care of. Honestly, my self reminders of God's plan and purpose are so MEEK in comparison to my mental yellings that tell me to do things in my human strength and way. That I am to be the one who has to make things happen. God, help.

- That said. Because of all my mad struggling, i think a result of this is that doing this course is going to pull me closer to God, that we're going to work more closely together hand in hand. And i guess I'll gain a better understanding of His work in my life through our partnership.

- I am having to learn to rely on Him a whole lot more because while doing this course, i am constantly faced with the fact that I am so weak and unable. I'm never going to be able to achieve and complete things all on my own. My ability is limited, but God is strong, able, all knowledgable and INFINITE! That's why for everything that "i am able" to bring to completion, i can only say that i do it because i have God by my side, and that I can do all things (purely) through Christ who strengthens me. Oh my goodness. Just as i typed that out, it's like a rhema effect. The TRUTH of that word from the bible is astounding! Jesus Christ, makes up for the rest of me, that cannot.

- It was hard to type "I can do...". I just wanted to leave it as "I do all things...", because it just says that "ok, in whatever i do... in all that i do...". It doesn't DECLARE the positivity of the fact that I CAN do, that even through challenges, it is still "I CAN". It's hard to include the "can" word. Because in actuality, i feel as if i CAN... NOT! By placing a "can" into that line, i notice a pulling out of myself from a negative mental and attitudinal rut.

- I THANK GOD THAT i am NOT in Australia!!! If i don't have my immediate social support, i think i would really burn out prematurely. Imagine having to live in a whole new environment, new culture, with new people (i'm generally shy), plus having the pressure (and not pleasure) of NEW WORKLOAD in a short span of time. Oh my goodness. I think i would be crying everday.

- When people ask me, "So how's school?", with bright eagerness in their eyes, i just smile a really weird smile, which is quickly followed by a grimace, and then a long whine, and then a groan and then... silence. It basically means that i am at a lost for words. My thoughts and emotions are still reeling from shock and flying around above my head. I've yet to bring them all down to a logical and rational order to cope and make sense of eveything. So... Please bear with me?

- With a busy schedule, i now realize with all seriousness... That EVERY minute in the day counts.

- Because the rest are all adults who have been in the working world for quite a while, i think i sense some level of guardedness about them. I get this sense that it's currently "my own survival is important". Probably stems from their experiences of working with people. Sigh. I want to make good friends. Lets see how it goes.

- And last of all and most interestingly... A quiet voice has been saying to me... (me no have schizophrenia, ok) + (And it took me mildly by surprise):

"Love. Do all that you do with love. Look at your classmates with love, love your classmates through your behaviour, how you treat them, let love show through your actions. Don't be sucked up by the competition, but instead let your behaviour be governed by moving in an opposite spirit. Don't be intimidated. Love is what this is all about. Counselling is about love. So, love."

It can only be my Heavenly Father speaking. God is love, and only His voice would speak out to me to love others, against my own ugly human nature that complains, judges and hates.

(Wow. People say to me that God speaks to them here and there, on the bus, while walking and so forth. I always thought to myself in response that "Nah, God wouldn't speak to me (because i chose to believe that i am not important enough). He never does. Let alone as i go along my daily life". But HAH. Look what happened. Time to change mindset! Hope this is encouraging to you.)

(I guess, it's also about whether we are willing to listen, or, be still and quiet enough to listen.)

***

Refreshing reflection! Now, back to planning out my work schedule with Jesus. :-)

my first tag (methinks)

#1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?

Woah. Eh, I champion doing not-so-nice things to men who do this kind of thing to women you know! I have my stash of torture instruments. So. Now. What do you think MY reaction will be.....? *evil laughter*

#2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?

To have my family (dogs included) live forever healthily as my family (in Heaven, as in on Earth).

#3. What will your dream wedding to be like?

OH. It will be by the sea, under the blue/sunset sky and then we'll have the wedding dinner under the star lit sky with a live band playing softly in the background, surrounded by candle lit lamps. Dogs (and other reasonable pets) are allowed (in my dream wedding, animals don't and can't pee or poo).

#4. Are you confused as to what lies ahead of you?

A little. No wait, make that a lot... But i'm trusting that God has told me to forge on ahead in confidence. But i am freaking out!

#5. What’s your ideal lover like?

Er. No ideal la, cos can have many permutations.

#6. Which is more blessed? Loving someone or being loved by someone?

Er.... Lets be open and honest. BEING LOVED! :-DDDDDD

#7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?

Hm. Usually, i wait for that person to come to me. Heh.

#8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?

Haiya. Try to chuck my feelings aside and move on to like a few other people too. Heh.

#9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?

PMS. And inconsiderate people.

#10. Is being tagged fun?

Sort of! :-D

#11. How do you see yourself in 10 years time?

Well... This is what i would wish to see for myself: Living decently with hubby with 2 or 3 healthy children. Being content with my job and living a full Christian life.

#12. Who are currently the most important people to you?

Fambly (dog included). Significant Other. My close JC friends. My church mates.

#13. What kind of person do you think the one who tagged you is?

A surprising personality. :-)

#14. Would you rather be rich and single or married but poor?

Married (hopefully to someone who is worth being married to and being poor with!) but poor. I think that relationships with people are what keeps us sane and blessed. Not money.

#15. What’s the first thing you do every morning?

Drinking down my "toilet milo" (the hot milo that makes me wanna run to the loo! :-D)

#16. Would you give all in a relationship?

I haven't discovered what "all" means yet, for me personally at least.

#17. If you fall in love with 2 people simultaneously, who would you pick?

Hm... How to love more than one person ah? Admire can lah, but love? Ok for answers sake, i would pick the one who i feel more comfortable with and the one who truly loves me for better or for worse.

#18. What type of friends do you like?

The kind who share the same frequency with me, those who reciprocate my investment of time and care.

#19. What type of friends do you dislike?

Inconsiderate, ungrateful and insincere people.

Yes, i've been MIA-ing for a bit, catching up with people and such amongst other things.

- Went for a christian counselling conference and who should i bump into and unwittingly sat next to (with 2-3 empty seats between us) during the worship session? The ex's father! OMG. I've not seen him since March 2002. I wouldn't voluntarily say hello to him unless i knew... ... ... Hm, never mind. The break up 6 years ago wasn't pretty. Other than that, i gained some valuable information about counselling and psychology from the speakers and i have my YGOS supervisor to thank for that.

- Been going a bit crazy over chai tea latte recently. I even bought nice drinking glasses from IKEA for the times that i want to indulge in ice chai tea latte.

- There was one day when the train was so full in the morning that i found myself in a very unglam position: stuck like a freaking lizard against the MRT door, palms spread out on the glass and all.

- Had my orientation at NIE today. Goodness. My masters class has only 14-17 students, all of whom are older than me i assume. Except for 3 young men, who look like they are either my age or in their late 20s or early 30s. 1 of them is actually a fellow graduate from UniSIM. :-) After the talk by the programme coordinator, he and i looked at one another and i exclaimed: "HEY! You look REALLY familiar!" and he replied, "Yeah, i was going to ask you that! You're from OU (Open University) right?" Nice to see a familiar face. And i have my NTU STUDENT CARD!!!! Awesome! I also discovered that while bus 199 takes a lot longer to reach Canteen A/Library, it takes a nice quiet looking route when coming in from another entrance of NTU. Lots of greenery, melikes.

- I signed up for the 10km Standard Chartered run. I decided that 4 months was far too late to train and compete safely in a full marathon.

- I love vanilla yoghurt.

- I've been tagged to do something... coming right up!

Ok, i couldn't resist it, the statue was just egging me on to do it. Really.

(picture taken by miss_D, with her Nikon D80, with whom i went on a photography trip with to the Hort Park)

Woo, i have such muscoolar (and white!) pins!

I must say that i'm actually proud of my old fogey of a Canon Powershot G2. I uploaded my photos and i marvelled at how the pictures turned out. Of course, it's not the best of cameras for ALL events and sure, i would LOVE to have a spanking new DSLR in my paws but well, my G2 did well enough. That said... Lighting! LIGHTING! Is All important in photography too!

God, He did it again. :-D

I wrote this some days a go, but now it's ready to be posted up!

1. God really knows my needs even BEFORE i tell him...

Now, bank accounts are meant to see your savings increase right? Yes. So, having received my allowance from my work last month, i was pretty happy about the digits and i had really just wanted to keep things the way it was. I was exceptionally reluctant to spend on things, though there are lots i really want to buy for myself!

So with the bintan trip, i had to draw out a sizeable amount and i admit that i was feeling disturbed at the sudden drop in finances. My phone bill also came in today and it was HIGHER than usual, because i was in Malaysia last month and the smses chalked up a sum. Also, this is coupled with the fact that i am no longer going to be working and therefore, NO INCOME anymore. Although i will still survive on kind parental support, i have to watch every penny that comes out from my wallet or i may run low.

But as i was packing a while ago, out of the blue, my dad came into the room and he said with a smile: "Need some money to spend?"
I was STUNNED and i couldn't even reach out to take what looked like blue notes in his hand.
He said: "It's just ****** only...."
Jo: But still... I'm really thankful. Thank you, thank you! I really appreciate it...
Dad: Good. Good night! *smiles to himself as he exits my room*

Then, a few minutes later, MOM came in with a smile and i can almost feel her heart beaming with delight as she blessed me financially too!

I'm like, OH MY... I was brooding over the cash flow and i had all my broiling concerns about finances which kept drumming away in my head the last few days. And sadly, I didn't think that it was important enough for God to care. In my mind, i just figured that i would just swallow my circumstances and handle my own problems in my own way. But you know, God cares and he supplied my needs (through my folks)! It's just so amazing... I really should trust God a whole lot more even in the everyday/mundane things.

2. Being assured of my future.

Today at worship ministry bible study, we were asked to pair up and just ask God how we can prophesize, or simply put: bless, the person we were paired up with. J and i sat down to pray and she said that even before she paired up with me, she had a vision of me, for me...

J saw that i was standing in a forest, with trees surrounding me all around. There was no path leading out from the forest and she asked God for light so that she could see. Then, light appeared and it illuminated a dirt path that led out me out from the forest and... When i got out, before me was a beautiful, magnificient view.

J didn't know what it meant, but felt that God was saying that "He would show me, in his time, what he intended for me."

I was so STUNNED (again). Because right now, i am facing both certainty and uncertainty in my life.

My certainty: the road to being a counsellor is right before me; God has clearly opened the door for me.
My uncertainty is: I have such a great fear of people but YET, i know nothing else that i am passionate about. And i am going headlong into a career where i have to deal with all sorts of people EVERY day. Having experienced interaction with difficult people, i have begun to doubt my ability to love and reach out to those in need.

In my heart, i have been constantly asking myself and i have been wondering incessantly: HOW on the WORLD is God going to use me? I just don't see how it is possible. I am weak, fearful, doubtful, inadequate!

My personality is a complete opposite from the other counsellors i have met. I just cannot see how i can be useful, how i can bless others, how God can use me, a person who is choosing to do something so opposite from what i am normally more comfortable doing.

It's such a mismatch, and i am just, like what J said, in a forest. I cannot see where i am going, i cannot see what God has planned. I cannot the picture yet. I cannot see HIS big picture. I'm still far away from the finished product.

But God has now told me that, in time, i will see. I will see the light, and i will be led. I will eventually be led to see the beautiful outcome of what He has planned for me. I will come to see it.

And this gives me the assurance that i have to just keep walking in the direction that i am walking towards. Because God WILL reveal the fruits and reasons in time to come!

Oh, and note: J had no idea of the things that i am going through, so you can see, that it's REALLY God just speaking to me through J! :-D

Then Again...

Maybe i might eat my words... Maybe i'll do the 42km...
(Now that i have a willing female kaki)
Muah hahahahaha...

Ok, but it'll remain STRICTLY a walk-a-jog thing. No "kay-kiang-ing" and attempting to run all the way. Nevertheless, i still have my reservations. Like whether i should go for a full body check up before i sign up, whether 4 months is enough to train up given that i'll be starting school soon and it's going to get busy. Whether i'll pile on that mysterious 3kg again like when i completed the 21km. It took me 3 to 4 months to get rid of something i didn't even have in the first place! And, how do i fit my training schedule in?

I like the idea that i'll have sports facilities in school, but still... Will i be able to cope?

Ah, but the thought of completing a marathon at least once is SUCH a THOUGHT! :-D

Hello again, Standard Chartered run

Back from Bintan and boy, did i enjoy myself...

Thank you so much to my group of girls from JC that have been able to stick with me through out till this stage of my life! We've known each other since 2001 and it's really special for us to be able to go on a trip together. And might i add, like, finally. HAHA.

Anyway, i have DECIDED to go for the Standard Chartered event again, but this time, back to doing 10km instead of moving forward from the 21km to doing the 42km. Reason being... My knees need a BREAK! Yes, it's very glamorous to be able to finish the 42km but i know that my pride has to take a backseat while my knee condition takes top priority. I'm going to need them well into my old age k! I would rather have working knees than to be able to boast about having completed 42km but with busted knees. No point.

I'm all set to begin on my training program! Yahoo! Plus, it's even better that i now have girl (and guy maybe) kakis who are coming with me. :-) Gem is going to tackle the 42km with another friend... Oh my gawsh. If only i could drive, so that i can pack and bring some iced milo for us all after all our hard work.

The registration will launch from 21st of July onwards. Don't miss it! :-D

HELLO!!!

I'm off to Bintan tomorrow, for a REALLY short trip. Better one than none! Yes, my pocket is pretty much a smothering crater now (everything in Bintan is in Sg dollars! The nerve. Rah.), and it does not help that the post GSS is starting soon. Dang.

I've not gone off blogging, just been having too many undeveloped thoughts/private concerns/yada, that flit about too fast to talk about. I'm pretty sure that once school starts, i'll be blogging more often. Or, i need something episodic and nonsequential to talk about.

Ok, i know this post sounds rather bimbotic. A sign for the need to start academia soon.

Need to clean Jed's poop. Ta.

Tomorrow is the day i've been waiting for, since April/May. Then again, in some way, it is also the day that i have been waiting unknowingly for since i even began my undergraduate studies. Tomorrow will seal the activities of the next 2 years of my life. And it will seal the activities of my working life, for at least the first 3 to 5 years. (That is, if i don't throw in the towel and quit earlier than that.)

Hello NTU-NIE.

***

Seriously, there are times when i really wonder... Just WHO ARE my REAL friends?

***

A part of me says to give up, while another part says that in my heart, there is no such thing as giving up. A true test of my devotion to the cause, of my love, of my perseverence to pursue.

:-) Gem got me...

1) two lovely packets of Caramel Corn:
I've tried this snack before many years ago and i've had fond memories of it. Haha. I don't know if this is the same stuff, but i'll find out soon. I guess a slight difference is that these are the flavored versions. Green tea and peanut, i believe. :-9

AND...

2) The whole 3 sets of the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtracks I tell you, i was just stunned. I mentioned about wanting the soundtracks very much, being a Pirates movie fan and also a fan of the music, but i never imagined that he would get them all for me. :-D I've imported them over to itunes and i'm just having a blast listening to them all! YEAY! The various musical themes from the movie are so full of lively character, it's such a joy to listen too. It feels as if you are practically watching the movie! It's powerful, driving, rich and adventurous.

***

People at church have commented that i look more alive today as compared to about 2 weeks ago. HAHA. Oh gosh. I think the work i've been doing had really sapped my energy overall. While i am glad that it's going to be over in 1 week's time, i've been left with a lot to think about. And for some reason, even though i'm going to get my lovely one month break before school starts in August, which is all well and good, i would still feel that my days are missing out on something meaningful. Ok, but i'll be glad that i don't have to sacrifice any more sleep to get to work on time in the morning!

Being someone who needs 9 hours of sleep to function well for a full day at work, i often feel tired and sleepy because i've been getting a max of 6 to 7 hours of sleep lately. Quite pathetic, i know. Most people can function with 7 or 8 hours or even less, of sleep. I can't. Jia lat, next time how man. Maybe i need to start thinking about alternative ways of earning moolah.

***

Although i'm so out of it when it comes to my archery club and archery, i'll be heading up to Hougang for the AGM tomorrow. Shucks. I don't really like not having any friends there anymore other then the people who are running the whole show. All my mates have stopped shooting for their various reasons. Apparently, the only compound archer is one of the few adults. The rest are recurve archers. ARGH. About time to get back to shooting... This lag has lasted TOO long. All talk and no action only, so far.

At least i know that my form is still pretty decent since the last time i tried the recurve bow at a short distance. :-)

It's good to be back rambling here again about nothing much in particular without being too emo.

It's me! I'm BACK! I SURVIVED!

Interestingly, i feel more refreshed than when i left. Of course, i need a good break in general, but mentally, i am feeling better.

2 weeks more before Joline's out of YGOS. I am looking forward to my 1 month break before school begins in August. But i'll definitely be occupied with a major project, like my friends' wedding video. I hope the NTU people start school only in end july, so that i'll be able to spend some quality time with them before school begins as well. The more i think about even going down to NIE to just register in july, the more brain chills i get! I'm dreaming of the lunch meetings, the rendezvous, the studying together, my counselling course, being on campus, restarting my archery again, jogging with JL (and whoever else that is game) around NTU/track, working out in the gym. Whoo-ooo-ooo. *brain chill*

In all honesty, i doubt that i will be able to fulfill all that i am dreaming of. Ah, but one can hope, right.

My Library Gang Bintan trip has also been CONFIRMED! OH MY GWASH. FINALLY! We've been fantasizing about going for a holiday together since we all graduated and started working... It's been a ripe 3 years or so (or is it more than that?) and now it is HAPPENING. We had plans to travel to somewhere further actually but i guess because some people aren't exactly loaded, *ahem*yourstruly*cough* travelling further was an issue.

Much has been going on in my head regarding my future. I've been asking God: God, what is it you want me to do in my life? I'm totally "at your disposable" you know? All you need to do is just tell me, just say so, and i will do it.
(but i never really hear him clearly about this.)

I'm also questioning and answering myself. I'm thinking:-

Q: If handling, being and dealing with people is so hard for me personally, that it is a struggle, than why in the WORLD am i bothering to train myself to take on a job that requires me to "take care" of people? WHY in the WORLD am i going headlong into something that arouses so much FEAR and STRESS in me?

A: I think it's strange that i'm choosing to do something completely opposite to what i am comfortable with. If i had things my way, i'd just settle for something easier, or less conventional. You know, like maybe be a zookeeper, or an archery coach, or travel the world making documentaries about animals or our planet. But if you were to ask me WHY i choose to do counselling, i'd tell you that i believe the people of our society today, really need something. There is a need for social, mental, emotional well being. Spiritual well being even. And i want to do my part to help. There is so much pain and twisted values these days and it's being passed down to our younger generation and it breaks my heart to hear about what it does to them. So i'm thinking... Is my desire to do what i want to do driven only just by wanting to make the world a better place? Or is it possibly driven by love? And whose love? My love? God's love? Even that can be a struggle to answer at times. But i know that if there is love involved, it is not my own, but Father God's love for his people (which is actually everyone on this planet!). And this is probably it, that i believe this is why i choose what i choose to do... To carry out my duties inspired by His love inspite of all the fears.

So i'm thinking. Is this therefore the "thing" that God wants me to do in my life? I'm going against my human nature for a cause, so.... that's good, right? Right? But of course, there are times when God makes use of our strongest assets to do his work in places where we may be most comfortable in. But i guess there are times when He also wants to teach some of us something, or to stretch some of us that need stretching.

For now, he has so obviously opened the door for me to enter the counselling field. I feel as if his favour is on me to pursue this. First it was when YGOS willingly took me in for just 2 months (which is generally not entertained) and then NIE which offered me the counselling course despite me being a young 'un, a graduate from UniSIM (which some people tend to have certain pre (and mis?) conceptions about), someone with no relevant working experience (at the point of my interview, all the working experience i ever had was of selling Body Shop products back in 2003 while waiting for uni to begin and printing invoices and collecting $ since 2006 at my other workplace), i'm far from scholar material, and i also could only hand in 2 referee reports out of the required 3 (i typed out and clipped a very earnest sounding letter to NIE, together with my application, to apologize for not meeting the requirements). Not forgetting the highly embarrassing fumble i made during my interview when i blabbered something and ended my blabber with "erm, er, never mind. *giggle*"
Oh goodness, so retarded!

My conclusion is: I will continue to pursue this as long as the coast is clear and until God decides to say ENOUGH, closes the doors and places me somewhere else.

So anyway. I've got ONE more day of break at home to do my YGOS reflections and then it'll be back to work on tuesday. Hm, i look forward to my Breadtalk breakfasts almost every morning before hitting the workplace. Teehee. *beam* I'm wondering if i should begin using my lunch hour to go running. I usually feel like a squishy and pudgy pao after lunch and it makes me feel uncomfortable! A surefire way to put on weight sia... I think i've been doing well in keeping my weight in check at the moment, and i don't wanna mess it up!

All righty, good night folks. It's 4 in the morning. A long post after a long time. Talking in long rambly posts often is more my thing!

PS: KUNGFU PANDA IS DARN FUNNY. I LAUGHED THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE SHOW SIA!

It's sunday, midnight. And i'll be leaving for Malacca for a community service trip in the afternoon. I'm not in the best of states to be going really. Tired (emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically) and down with the flu, bordering on having a headache/fever.

Like i told Gem, it's one thing to go on a community service trip and it's quite another to do one with youths in tow. Oh GOD, i REALLY NEED YOU. I need your strength to carry me through. I just don't have it in me right now.

Am doing my packing now, and i must say that the barrage of camps previously in May has made me a much quicker packer! Thanks to Gem for letting me loan his good ole deuter bag.

I know this is going to sound so random, but for some reason, i'm struggling with so much pride inside my heart. Everyday, i hear myself telling myself to "shut up!" every time i think of something prideful or judgmental. I tell you... I get so tired of myself, really. It's a good thing people can't read my mind! I'd be thoroughly despised i think. Sometimes, even the act of doing something loving can turn into something prideful. Sheesh.

It's amazing how God can love me for who i am. I'm thinking of all the reasons why God can't possibly love me. But when i look at examples of people God loved and loves, people who show the same "reasons", i know that i cannot explain God's love away from me.

GOD......................... DADDY............................. I REALLY NEED A MIRACLE FROM YOU. SOMETHING THAT I CANNOT DENY. I NEED SOMETHING SO SUPERNATURAL AND IMPACTFUL. God, i'm so tired.

***

Want to learn jazz and blues piano!
Want to find good orchestral (not classical) music.
Wants it to be july, NOW.
Would love a digital piano.

I'm sort of experiencing a low point in my life at the moment. It's not toooo bad. But it's definitely not the usual.

But a home cooked dinner, furry canines, and honest talk made for good therapy. :-)

I'm into my second month at YGOS and boy, has it been quite a ride. Imagine: Half a week in Malacca, a break of 1 or 2 days, and then two more weeks at YGOS and then ADIOS! I'll be off for a month before school starts. But then, i'm always open to coming back for any ad hoc stuff. If they want me around. :-P Which reminds me, J came back today to visit (i guess?) and it was indeed a pleasant surprise! He apparently cycled all the way from home, and it took 2 hours for him to reach our workplace. Was nice to see a fellow (now ex-) project servant back!

I'm going off to Malacca on a community service trip with some youths and i'm really unsure of what's going to happen. Really got to come before God again and submit it all to him. For now, i guess the guys in my team are a great bunch, when given the encouragement and guidance.

Anyway. I made my decision as to where I will be continuing my studies.... I shall make hanging out in NTU-NIE FUN! :-D
Oh, and i really look forward to picking up my archery again, exercising with JL and doing all sorts of campus-sy things! Whoopee!