Right now as i'm typing, i'm stopping every now and then to press a warmed spoon (warmed by the hot water that the spoon sits in, in a mug) against my eyes. No, it isn't some beauty regime. It's just that my eyes are puffy and tired from crying this morning for like, 2 hours and a bit? It's now 10pm and the uncomfortable feeling in my eyes has not passed. Hence the warm spoon. I took a panadol extra for my headache and i slept all through the afternoon, but it hasn't worked. Anyways.

What's the problem you ask?

Well, after this morning's talk, my parents now know how i struggle with being with people and meeting people. They also now know my opinion about parenting styles and their styles of motivation. And all this came out all because my dad asked me how my university and job applications were going. To cut everything short, he asked me the question in a way i found provokative (to which he said it was not meant to be) and i reacted and everything that needed to come out, came out.

Seriously, i count myself lucky that i have parents who will bother to sit and talk to me about my issues instead of beating me up wham-bam-sorry-ma'am style. Yes, maybe taking in and appreciating my point of view may be a bit tricky for them at first, but when i stated repeatedly that we (as in, me and the folks) should really just listen, understand and respect that we are all unique people with our individual struggles stemming from our different upbringings and backgrounds, they listened and respected where i was coming from when i shared with them my problems.

I think they saw and probably heard for the first time from their daughter's mouth what their daughter was going through. Maybe they have seen it all as i was growing up, but they've never heard it from me explicitly. I think that really needed to know the reality of what's going on behind the scenes.

This is why i always strongly believe in communication. Without it, how can you ever hear others or allow yourself to be heard? Even when you know it's going to be tough and painful, things are different when issues are explicitly trashed out. But then, it's sad when communication cannot be carried out, when the people concerned just do not have the capacity to communicate, for their various valid/or invalid-but-rationalized-to-become-valid reasons.

PS: I can't fully remember what i was dreaming about when i was sleeping, but i know that there was a lot of screaming. The effort to scream and the desire to scream was so consuming that it's contributed to my current headache. Wow, this is a first.

Guys are ________________________

I shall choose not to fill it up. Those of you who know me well enough will know what i'd say.

***

Anyway. I heard some good news! SIM is converting that nice but semi-effectively-useless student lounge into a GYM. (not that i'll be SIM to use it though...) Yes, a GYM! I am SO BRILLIANT. HA! A few years ago, i said outloud to a friend in a crowded SIM lift: "You know, we should have ATMs and a gym in school." And well. Guess what.

Now we've got POSB and OCBC ATMs, AND now this is coming to past. HA! Maybe someone heard my plea.

***

Asking for help and enquiring about administrative issues through the UniSIM, NUS and NIE helplines have been a bit trying today. And from talking to these people, i have concluded that the UniSIM admin people are the overall best service providers. At least from this population sample. (Actually, i've almost always had consistent good phone service from the UniSIM folks.)
The person from NUS was, i *think*, eating when i called and had somewhat delayed responses, and the NIE person did not know much and had to ask for a lot of assistace from other people in the background. I should've just spoken to someone else. When the phone call ended, she sounded like she had been put through a meat grinder and had no energy left to even say a proper "goodbye, thank you for your enquiry" or "thank you". Must be a newbie/had a bad day/PMS/etc...

I must admit i was irritated by some of their incompetence, but i told myself that I was once in their shoes and no one wants to receive a call from a nasty, easily upset or impatient caller that would spoil their entire day or working experience. So i kept my tone controlled and as light as possible... Must learn to be gracious! Even when someone wrongs you... Be gracious. It's hard lah, but when someone is genuinely gracious, s/he is absolutely beautiful, at least in my sight!

***

Assessing the courses from NIE, NUS, RMIT, Monash, Curtin, Murdoch, UniSouthAustralia, Swineburne and UQueensland. Busy.

Getting relevant paper work done. Busy, busy.

Having to ask academics and employer for a report on me. Paiseh to the max. Busy busy busy.

Today, i went out with my special friend... (another one, not Gem) *grin*

Thank you Lord for friends. For friends who love and accept me as i am. THANK YOU GOD. Like, SERIOUSLY.

random pic(k)s

What you see here, was a dinner i concocted all by myself k? Stir fried dow miao with garlic, oven baked chilli sting ray and chincalok with lime juice.
Talented, not?










Super old school right? My granny's mailbox that's attached to her gate. It's been slightly improved with a plastic sheet to stop rain from soaking the mail.










I saw this at Taka and i HAD to take a picture of it if i could not buy it. My love affair with horses all began when little kid joline hankered after every single thing that had my little ponies on it. Well, i am still kinda taken in by them. :-)










The night Gem dyed my hair for me. He put SO much effort into doing it that it took like hours and i, OOPS, became restless and sleepy and irritable. Look at his gloved hand and the bottle of dye, and check out that expression. Hilarious. HA.








Jun, Denise, Issy and i had a great girly night out at the atas Dempsey Hill. We were dressed in... OUR PJs. Can you believe it. Jun and i felt like everyone was staring at the both of us since we were the 'best dressed'. She was in her secondary school alma-mata tee and shorts, while i was wearing a (Chronicles of) Narnia tee with my checkered home shorts that NEVER steps out of the house for more than a few minutes! Oh. Good. Grief. The embarrassment.
Well, we had a good time (atas than atas lor.... we is got money to pay for our ice cream at the Ben and Jerry's can?) and that's all that matters.

That's us in the female toilet being trigger happy. Aiyo. Had to pluck up some courage (from where in the toilet, i do not know) before stepping out again to face the atas world in our PJs.

thought for the day: purpose

Here i am at home surrounded by not much else except my thoughts. In the past 2 weeks, two people have dropped bombshells on me leaving me quite, quite stunned. It's not a BIG deal compared to some other types of bombshells, but it's significant enough to me and well, it hurts. I wonder if life would be any different, whether things will become pretentious? You can never tell till you test out the situation.

I've sent off my membership application to SPS, while i await my attestation letter to send off to APS. Been pretty much occupied with trying to get my post graduate life in order what with the seeking of masters openings and now, looking for a job.

And amidst all this, i'm feeling a certain depth of despair, of emptiness. It's only the thought of spending time with God that makes me happy, and nothing else. Notice i said "the thought of" and not "spending time with God". Sigh, i've been busy scurrying around that the only moments i have left for God are the times when i am on the go, and before i sleep. Yeah, I am going to remedy this asap.

It's in moments like these, of being left alone when i am left with the essence of my self. All my friends are in school or at work, going about their lives that are structured. My family members are also all blessed with paid work. I was caught in a series of events, but now? I realize, how accustomed i have grown to busy-ness and friends and noise, that when i am left doing nothing, when i have nothing to give me identity or purpose, when i have had enough solitary rest, i begin to feel a seeping in of, dare i say, depression?

On the morning of my 21st birthday, i had experienced that intense feeling of depression and it took days to pass.

Yet, i am determined to get past my emotions. A friend once told me, "emotions are real, but are not truth". I don't entirely agree, but i suppose it should apply here. I know that things are going all right, and i don't have any real crisis to mourn over. I HAVE a purpose, it's just that there is a time lapse between my engagement with it and i need focus, patience and stability of mind, soul and spirit to get through this time.

I've always heard the phrase "purpose in life" so often, but never quite understood it, till i've actually experienced a glimpse of life with the lack of it.

Some say that without purpose, a person's psyche can be quite disturbed.

And now something beckons from the back of my mind...:

Short term purposes versus long term purposes.

Once we fulfill the short term, we make new ones to reach. And each time, we run out of goals when we have conquered the last one. We sense fulfillment and achievement, but when we lay aside the goals we have reached, what truly lies at our core? Were those things the only things that gave life meaning? If we stripped all the acitivites away, the friends, the food, the jobs, the errands, the deeds. What fuels us, inspires us?

There is something quite profound about having a long term goal, a life vision. The deep seated, resonating passion that you KNOW exists in your inner being. It's not the kind of thing that dies when you fail in some endeavours in life. When you fail at some junctures, you know that your long term mission does not change. It just means that you learn something, get energised again, and you pick yourself up and know that life is not over, and that being ALIVE and HAVING life itself simply means that you have simply been granted more time and space to move ahead and progress.

Yet there is another dimension. Might i say that there is a difference between living without God versus with God who works with me and my goals.

From a personal point of view, the person who truly breathes life into my life and long term goal(s) are not my parents, not my friends, not Gem, but Daddy and Best Friend, God. This part may get a little bit hard to understand for some reading this, but i'll try to put it simply:

God is a loving God, and he knows my own desires and wills of my heart. At the same time, i love God and want to fulfill his purposes for me. With a relationship with God, somehow, what i want and what he wants will begin to merge. Because when your heart beats in sync with someone else's, your goals become similar.

And what better way is there to live life when your goals are guarantee chopped approved by a great and almighty God, the creator of everything?

In life, you just cannot please everyone. And so, in pursuing these goals, you may have to take unbeaten tracks, or meet with adversaries, or disapproval, or discouragement, and sometimes, the challenges hurt even more when they come from those who are closest to you.

But when i've faith in the one person who matters most, God will makes things right in the end, even when everything goes or looks wrong. As long as i follow bravely the path he shows me in my heart, nothing can stop me. Hence, now, do i not only have a long term purpose that will inspire me, but i also have an everlasting and loving Father God who watches my back.

So for now, i'll put things into perspective and think rationally. Lay the negative emotions aside, love what i have and who i have in my life whether or not they are near or far, and be secure in my long term purpose and God's purpose for me. Unless God flashes me a huge neon sign to state otherwise, i cannot go wrong from here.

A series of blessed events

Hi folks! Hey, you know, i'm pretty much brimming with shorts stories here and there about how God has really just shown himself to me in such cool ways. I think that there's no better time to do it then now, otherwise i'd simply forget and all of it would fade into the deep depths of my memory. So, without further babbling, here is my truckload of testimonies!

1. The exam grades

Last semester was a busy one for me because i was juggling schoolwork, workplace work and project, church and mission trip stuff and my own running training. Remember that terrible paper i had last year, the module called Acculturation Psychology? I studied for it, but i studied all the "wrong" things! Whatever that came out in the exam were stuff i did not study for. I left the exam hall 30minutes earlier, and that is something i've never done in my entire schooling life.

So i pretty much felt that i messed up my whole paper, and i began preparing myself mentally to redo that module. The only complication with that would be: if that module is only available in the july semester, then i'd be wasting the first 6 months (Jan to June), and effectively, one whole year!

I went about my holidays trying not to think about the possibility of what might happen. I just told myself that whatever happens, God has a reason for it and that i trust him for whatever that may come. I had to ready my folks mentally too should i really have to repeat. But nothing could erase that feeling of dread that made my heart sink to my stomach just thinking about seeing a red mark on my transcript.

When i returned from my mission trip on the 23rd of december, i immediately checked for my exams results when i came home after dinner. And you know, God is good... I had gotten a B- for that terrible module. I had procured a B-! Like, WOOOOOWWWWWWW!

Knowing the state of my exam script, with the contents being either big blanks, general knowledge, and scanty bits of hazily recalled information, and having left early, it is only by a PURE MIRACLE that i passed, let alone obtain a B-.

***PRAISE GOD!***

2. Overcoming Sickness

2A. (prior and during the mission trip)

Apparently, a few weeks before leaving on my mission trip to East Timor, my bloating from IBS starting acting up again, and the day before my departure, i started experiencing sharp pains in my left ear. The pain just came out from the blue, and i don't remember having ever felt them before and i sure didn't have any prior injury to warrant the pain.

My folks suggested that these may be signs of anxiety, but since i didn't feel anxious, i had a feeling that these obstacles coming my way could be something more spiritual in nature (when we are bent on doing God's will and work, the enemy would want to get us down!). Knowing the possibility of that, I refused to be discouraged and i asked my parents to pray for me.

In addition, i kept having these persistent and disturbing thoughts that i was going to be sick on the trip, and that i will surely be bogged down by it. The thoughts kept bugging me and in some ways, the mental happenings manifested a bit into the physical and i began to feel a little headachey and nauseous. I had to keep rejecting those thoughts.

When my team and i arrived in Kupang, they celebrated my birthday! HAH, with a really cool doughnut with a candle on top. So cute lah, i wonder who brought the doughnut all the way from Singapore. So i told them about the health related struggles i was having and they prayed for me.

Suffice to say, i was NOT SICK throughout my trip. The only time when i got motion sickness was after a 12 hour long van ride, which i recovered from after a night's rest. And yes, NO BLOATING from IBS during my trip! AND, NO EAR PAIN either! HAH!

2B. (during my Worship Team Advance, aka, camp.)

A few days before going for camp, i went shopping at Jurong Point, and i think i caught some bug. My nose became really itchy, stuck AND runny, and i would sneeze ever so often. It was uncomfortable and i know i wasn't exactly sick. This uncomfortable respiratory problem prolonged for close to one week.

I slept through one night at camp with a clogged and itchy nose. But the next morning, something amazing happened.

During the worship session, Pastor Jenn told us about how God had given her an annointing on her hands. It had happened some time ago when a visitor speaker had visited our church (Kobush? i think.) and had prayed for her. And when the speaker had prayed for her, she felt a supernatural sensation in her hands and she has been able to recognise the same sensation which signified that God has his annointing on her to do His work. Meaning that He will work with and through her whenever she uses her hands to pray for and bless others.

So, she told us that after asking God if she could, she said that she wanted to symbolically pray for each of us so that we could receive this same annointing. She did, and prayed for pretty much everyone. When she came and prayed for me, i didn't feel anything significant, but i believed in whatever God can do anyway, whether or not i can see or feel.

After she prayed for me, i sat down thinking about my stuffy nose. I realized that: hey, it's NOT normal for me to have this stuffy nose. I'm NOT sick, and i know that for a fact because my condition wasn't getting worse, it was just stagnant, as if i had a perpetual allergy to something. Even in air conditioned rooms, i don't have this kind of problem. I missed my freed air passageways!

So, i thought to myself, since my hands have been prayed for, i shall use them!

I laid both my hands around my neck and prayed. I asked God: Ok, God, i pray that you will clear out my air ways, and that i'll be able to breathe freely again like i've always been able to. I don't normally have sinus issues, so Lord, i pray against this problem. (end)

I did not experience anything SUPER INSTANT or like thunder and lightning or anything moving through my body.... But you know what. In the next few minutes, i actually felt my air ways clearing. First it was one nostril that cleared up, and then the next one also cleared up. And suddenly, i could breathe freely again! As in, seriously! It was like, my nose moved from being totally blocked and dripping to completely clear.

Isn't GOD AWESOME?!

***YEAY! THANK GOD!***

3. Hearing His Voice of Love (happened during the Timor trip)

Although i've been a Christian pretty much all my life (second generation Christian), there're times when i struggle with knowing whether God loves me. You know, you hear the same line: Jesus Loves You, so many times but yet you don't FEEL it like the way you would when someone says it to you personally or hugs you or something.

But during on morning worship session in East Timor with my team, the Lord spoke to one of us about how much he loved us, and that team member shared it. In confirmation, another team member also felt God tell her that he loved her.

For myself, during worship i was singing really loudly but something inside said: stop singing so loudly, just be still. So i stopped and sat down and asked God, "God, what do you want to tell me or the team?"
And i thought i heard Him say so tenderly: I just love you.
Even as i am typing this, my eyes fill with tears remembering His insistent and gentle reminder.

After worship was over, the team shared their experience during worship, and i shared mine... And i tell you. I DON'T KNOW WHY AND HOW, but when i narrated to them what i had heard, i started to tear, and then all of a sudden, i started to BAWL. YES, BAWL. Like, the kind of crying which involves -wailing- and a lot of tears. I mean, like, hello, i COULD NOT CONTROL IT, it just came out so strong from the depths of my subconscious being and i had to HIDE my embarrassment by laughing with a "hee hee hee" in the midst of my crying. HAHAHAHA. I bet i scared my team mates a bit. I was really fighting to suppress whatever sound that was coming out through my lips.

I've NEVER cried like that in front of strangers (yes, i love my team, but they are not super close to me that i would cry in front of them, except for maybe one or two) as an adult.

I was quite shocked by what was happening. I'm no stranger to the notion of crying when God touches me or someone, but wailing? And in front of others? NO WAY! That kind of crying, i do only in privacy, and even then, it is very rare.

One of my team mates rallied the others to pray for me during that extraordinary moment and i felt so odd. HAHA. So yes... God really surprised me that morning, and it's an experience i won't be forgetting.

4. Repairing the broken areas (during the Timor trip)

Just a bit of background information:

As a child, i've always been jealous and starved of attention and affection. It's not that my parents never gave me any. I just wanted to be treated with devotion ALL the time. So you can imagine what kind of horror breaks loose when there was even a tiny mention of having another sibling. Finding that out was the most horrifying thing to me because to me at that time, if my mom had another kid, i would no longer be loved as much and i was not going to allow that to happen.

It did not help that in the presence of babies and young children, my mom would coo over and cuddle them and "forget" all about me. And because of what i saw and felt, it did not assure me that she would still love me if another sibling arrived.

Ever since, i had hated young children because of what they represented. I had the notion that they were irritating, troublesome and that i'd be far better off without children. And i always thought that young children did not take to me well like they would to my other peers.

Another one of my struggles is related to how i look. I'm part confident of myself, but a part is also always seeking man's approval and praise. So when i went to East Timor (now don't you laugh ok!) i craved the admiration and approval of the people.

Sounds stupid i know, but you know how as locals, we might find foreigners interesting? Yeah, same concept here. As a foreigner, i had also wanted some form of attention.

But on one of the days on a visit to a secondary school, i felt rather rejected and insignificant in comparison to my team mates, and though i was smiling, laughing and looking like i was enjoying myself, i felt a wound inside festering.

But let me tell you... GOD WORKS IN REALLY FUNNY WAYS. Listen to this:

Our Timor co-ordinator, Dick, who is also a member from my church who helped us with the arranging of transport and everything else, was hanging out with the neighbours' kids next door. I was hanging around outside our house (which is next door to Dick and the kids) when
Dick yelled over to me: JOLINE!!!

J: (turns to look over the fence to the house next door) Yeah?
D: You've got a FAN CLUB! (gestures to the children)
J: HUH?!
(then suddenly, ALL the children yelled, "HI JOLINE!!!!!!!")
D: (says something i could not hear)
J: Huh?!?
D: Never mind!

Later on, i popped over to the neighbour's house with my team leader and i found out from Dick that, the children became my "fans" because....... HAH, AIYO, this is so weird! Apparently, one of the kids was from the secondary school we had visited earlier and she saw me. So when i got to meet her at her home, she told me in Tetun (the language used there), "You, Bonita.". "Bonita" means "beautiful" in Tetun.

I was quite astounded by all this because never in my life have i been told by anyone so unabashedly and with so much admiration that i was beautiful. And the more i thought about it, the more i was beginning to see God's hand in it. You see, God did two things through this situation.

He had brought and used his innocent little children to touch and soften my heart (my first problem) and at the same time, he was assuring me that i was already beautiful (my second problem).

I then knew that i was hearing God, through his little children (that i found so hard to love for so many years), and that I was hearing and receiving his love for me.

I brought a camera over and took pictures with them, kind of like an unspoken way to tell them that i will remember this moment and that they were important enough for me to remember them. And the girl who spoke to me hugged me so tightly during the phototaking!

Isn't God cute? :-D
I certainly think so!

**************************************************

Ok, that was a REALLY long post lah. But i KNOW that for God's glory, i shall speak of His goodness in my life! And here it is!

I just realized that the testimonies cover areas of inner (emotional and mental) as well as physical healing. AHAHAHA! I so happy man.

Think the post is too long to edit now lah, so i won't bother to for now. I am just too excited to let it sit in my draft box! So, here it is! (will update if i can remember more that happened to me in the past months)

Ok, hi folks... A HAPPY NOO YAH TO YOOOO! How've you been?

Right... i've been MIA-ing again. Been awfully busy with a four day long "camp" in my home! I had so much fun, can? Ah, well, i've got another camp, a real one this time. I'll be gone from friday to sunday for my band advance (worship team camp).

Ha, if there's one thing i've learnt from a mission trip (other than experiencing God and learning life lessons), it's packing light and packing smart. i don't remember never being this efficient with my packing! Awesome... Anyways, i think that national service really equips guys (the guys i tripped with) with useful knowledge about surviving outside and without the comforts of home.

Got to go! Shucks. I wonder how i can squeeze in some time for shopping this week. Hmmm...

HEY FOLKS! I'm back from EAST TIMOR! Scores of photos and i have a testimony!

I'll be back to share more when i have the strength to blog. Ha. For now, i'm pretty zonked out from the travelling.

But i just wanted to make known my appreciation to those of you who kept me and my team in prayer, those who came to see me off at the airport, those who welcomed me home through all means, and those er........ who recently gave me christmas (and birthday) presents! HAH!

*yawn* Ok, my body needs rest. Especially after it tried to wake up at 6am this morning... (in Timor, we had to wake up around that time everyday)

Good night everyone and stay tuned!

A Blessed Christmas to you, and may Father God speak softly and gently into your heart this season.

HIYA FOLKS!

The time has finally come... It's a special day today!

In 4 hours, i shall be off to Timor Leste. Oh, and it's also me birthday today. Whee~!

I got this in my email recently. I laughed out loud at this one! The glasses fit so perfectly! How on earth did the dogs not shake off the glasses in irritation?!
Er, unless photoshopped lah.

I'm sitting all alone at the front desk of the office and i'm bored. I haven't packed for my trip on friday!

Oh man. Shucks, i wonder if the bag i'm carrying is big enough. I'm going to need some packing advice from mom and Gem. Maybe more yabberings later if i am alive enough.

TestimoKnee

This is so interesting...

About one month ago, i sustained an injury on my left knee after running a 10km race (on sunday) and then attempting to squat on that fateful tuesday morning two days after the race. I was forced to stop running and hence stopped my training for my half marathon.

For weeks, the problem persisted. At first, i couldn't squat because if i tried, i was rewarded with a gloriously sharp pain shooting through my left leg. After 3 weeks, the internal swelling had decreased and the pain became close to minimal.

On a scale of 0 to 10, it was about 2-3. So one night, i attempted a walk home from holland village. To my dismay, i returned home to find that squatting had become painful again. That meant that the injury had been aggravated and that inflammation had occurred again.

After my exams, i visited the doctor and got some muscle stretching and strengthening advice from a physiotherapist. I spent 1 and 1/2 weeks doing what the physio told me to do, and even lapsed sometimes... ARGH, i was lazy, ok? All this while, i stayed off running.

The standard chartered half marathon came around and well... As you already know, i went for it without 100% approval from mom or doctor. I said i would walk which was fine with them, but i ran most of the way... Oh well.

But you know what?

Despite running with an almost recovered knee that may go back to being injured if i'm not careful and with no training in the last month, within 3-4 days, i am close to fine with no more sore knees (from the 1st day). And NOT ONLY THAT!

I was dreading to find out the truth... To find out that perhaps the inflammation was back. But, i eventually DID try out my left knee on tuesday or wednesday by squatting. And WOAHLAH, NO PAIN, NO INFLAMMATION! And this is despite the doctor having told me that if i ran too much, the body will produce fluid in the knee and thus the pain.

You tell me how awesome i feel now?! Ran 10km, kena knee injury. Ran 21km, no knee injury!

I know i had some physio done but i only had 1 and 1/2 weeks and i even lapsed in my exercises a few times. But everything turned out ok! PRAISE GOD FOR HIS MERCY AND GRACE!!!

PS: yes, i did pray and ask God to help me with my knees... I guess he knows the desires of my little heart lah. :-D To just run and be well... (which uh, sort of also translates to not being scolded by mom.)

Half Marathon (that's 21 kilometres, baby!) CONQUERED!

I want to tell you about the events on sunday, but i realized it's all a blur... Basically, because... i was functioning with half a brain. But here's the recollection, after taking some effort to think about it. This is more like my own record for keeps, so you might get bored reading through the whole loooooooong thing!
Here goes...:

Why the half brain, you ask? No, i didn't dye my hair blond. It was because i had only about 3 to 4 hours of sleep, and in addition, i didn't sleep well because of anxiety-excitement and an overactive brain. I think i kept awaking to half consciousness before falling back asleep.

After getting up at 4:20 am thanks to Gem who THANKFULLY gave me a morning call (my clock which was set at 4am didn't do the job of waking me up), i showered and took a cab down to clementi stadium to catch the chartered bus to Suntec City. I got a real grumpy cab driver with whom i had to give instructions to on how to get to clementi stadium, and who proceeded to scold the cabbie call center for taking 10 minutes to answer his direction query to the stadium.

"Eh, i tell you ah.. You all take TEN MINUTES to answer my call. TEN MINUTES. YOU ALL SLEEPING AH?! YOU ALL SLEEPING?! YOU ALL TAKE TEN MINUTES TO ANSWER MY CALL!"

Wa, fierce. high frequency of this kind of aggression and hostility can lead to heart disease you know.

Zipping through the highways in the wee hours of the morning with just one other guy passenger in the huge coach bus, we reached town in no time. I didn't know where to go but of course, there was the marathoning crowd to follow. Waited for Gem to come and we deposited our bags together and proceeded to the starting point.

Nothing much to report really, from here onwards...

Ok, this is where i did not discipline myself and suffered some consequences. I had promised myself that i would be walking all the way to avoid aggravating the knee condition, and if i did run, i'd only do 2km stretches each time. I managed to stick to the regime with Gem till the 8km mark. That's when the momentum of jogging kicked in and then i couldn't stop to walk. Shucks. We pretty much pushed on, jogging most of the way, and stopped to walk or to stretch our muscles when we felt any muscle tightness whenever we needed to.

Throughout the race, Gem was in superbly good spirits, cracking A LOT of lame (and actually funny, HAHA) jokes and i was guffawing away. I was pleased that i was able to keep up the running, the talking, laughing and even the smiles (which explains why a photographer took a shot of us. Tradeelala.).

Sadly, i cannot remember ALL of the nonsense we were talking about. Except this one about how cool it'd be that if God had completely healed my left knee, then i can put this text on the Adidas's "My reason for running" tag that you can pin to the back of your running top: "TestimoKnee. God healed my Knee." (private joke: hey den, jun and dom, that's a LEVEL 4 joke!)

It'll be an awesome testimony on the move, that people behind you can read!

Gem joked that we can set up another spin off under BACC, kinda like, "Being a Contagious Christian: Sports Edition." And then, the makers would come up with more cool suggestions and tools on how to reach the athletic lost.

We pushed on and finished in 3hours 20minutes, a timing that we had sort of aimed to reach.

Towards the finishing line, we gripped each other's hands and crossed the line together... Aw, i've ALWAYS wanted to do that! Ha, suffice to say, doing that was my idea lor, not as romantic if it was his idea instead. So anti-climax right. After we crossed the line, i'm not sure what happened, but either my blood pressure dropped suddenly, the heat was too much, or blood sugar was too low... Apparently, i began to feel a tightening feeling around my temples, and my vision was getting darker. I fought to keep conscious and tried to slow my walking so that i didn't exert myself to the point of fainting. Gem helped me find a spot and i sat down for a while with my head between my knees, letting blood go to my head. My hands were cold and man, i felt like i was on the verge of blacking out.

I felt better after a couple of minutes, and in the heat of the morning, we searched and found the 100plus and banana kiosk. Felt a whole lot better in the shade, and after a can of 100plus and some muscle stretching. But that was when my knee joints started complaining very loudly. But nothing prepared me for what was to come later on.

After some sun basking and photo taking by the friendly Adidas photographers, we ventured to Raffles City for lunch and then made our way back to my place to take a well deserved shower and afternoon nap. But i tell you, i've never been in so much pain after a run before in all my life. My left and right knees felt bruised inside, and the back of my right knee had some tendon and muscles problems. It was a struggle to even walk properly, let alone going up and down the stairs. Every step had me widening my eyes in shock, as well as gasping and whining in pain. I had to hold on to Gem and the railings for support as i limped about.

Aw shucks... but my Gem is the best, ok. He was patient and caring throughout the ordeal, never an unkind word for my plight and he was considerate about the pain i felt and how much i had to walk. When we got back and showered, we made an ice pack and Gem secured it to my right knee to prevent inflammation as i lay down like an injured soldier. Gem also dried my washed hair for me (without me asking!!!) so that i wouldn't get a headache (i get headaches when i sleep on my wet hair). :-DDDDDD This kind of boyfriend where to find?!?!

Fast forward to after our nap and dinner at Ghim Moh... (we had YUMMY BLACK PEPPER CRAB, thai sauce chicken and mixed veg by the way! Awesome man...)

Back home, while sitting through another ice pack treatment for my left knee, i fell asleep on the couch in the living room. Gem watched a movie (Underworld Evolution. HAHA.) while waiting for me to awake so that i could go back to my room to sleep. But i didn't, so he brought out my blanket and covered me with it. And that was around 1+ to 2am, mind you. He waited THAT long!

When i awoke on monday morning, i noticed that the ice pack was gone and that i was snuggled under my smelly (smells like Jed) blanket, and altogether feeling quite well taken care of. I felt like Gem knew my every need and responded exactly the way i would've needed him to. While i got up to get ready for work, Gem made both of us a scrambled egg sandwich each and made me a cup of milo for breakfast.

God, i thank you for this wonderful guy who knows how to take good care of me! I was and still am feeling really blessed by him. Honestly, i think he might've done more than what i've described here, but my memory of sunday and monday is really hazy so this is about as much as i can recall.

I still can't get over the fact that i'm done with a half marathon. The most i've ever run in my life is 11.5 to 12km. And that's around the time i injured my left knee and ceased running for 1 month. And then here i am, a finisher of 21km. My physiotherapist friend told me that what i did wasn't exactly a good idea, which i agree with. But, ok, i'm stubborn when it comes this kind of thing. It's funny how during the last part of the run, 90% of pain present was muted prolly due to natural pain killers or some remarkable brain ability, but the minute you finish, the pain comes like a sledgehammer.

When i did my first 5km, i thought, "why would anyone want to run 10km?" But then, after completing the Shape Run 5km, the Standard Chartered 10km seemed doable. When i was training for my 10km, i thought, "i'd never want to endure 21 km! I don't see myself ever running 21km." But then, i decided to go for the challenge and did my first 21km last sunday. Before my 21km, i was thinking, "42km? NUTS! I'd never do that, i'd kill my knees! Look at all those people suffering, man!" But now... i'm beginning to feel my mentailty slowly changing... Oh boy. What have i gotten myself into! I think i've inevitably set myself up for 42km already.

Oh my GAWSH.

PS: I'll never forget the pain i went through after this run. i've learnt that training for a run is not all about endurance and running your legs off. Training up and strengthening (weight and resistance training) the muscles is just as important so that you don't bonk during and after the race!

Yesterday, YN and i finally got to go for our much talked about spa trip. Armed with our Citispa vouchers obtained from our Shape Run, we met up at the Suntec City branch. Well... I can't say much about their service, and i don't really know what to attribute their rather lacklustre service to (if what i experienced WAS lacklustre).

When we entered the place, the ambience was dark and welcoming, quite nice and peaceful. The counter girl however, was nice to an extent, but presented herself as rather bo chup in executing her professional duties of telling us what we were in for and what we were suppose to do and what we were suppose to expect.

I was dumped into a private room with a steam bath thing, and after 30 minutes of choking on heat and 100% humidity in the steam bath, i got out and waited behind the locked doors of my room for someone to tell me that i could go for my massage. Apparently, no one came, and i had to gingerly open the door every now and then to peek and see if YN would come knocking on my door for her turn in the steam bath.

Instead, on my final attempt at opening the sliding door, i caught the attention of one of the staff and she asked me what was happening, so i told her i was done. She then told me nicely to follow her. Argh. So, i grabbed all my barang, wrapped myself in the towel they provided and scampered after her... Well, not exactly. She did not wait for me to come out of the room before disappearing around the corner into the recesses of the spa. So, I was left panicking a bit and scuttling after her with my bag and slippers in hand, in my two piece swimwear, holding on to the towel for dear dignity. $%%$#^%$^%$&%#$#$

I felt darn vulnerable walking around the spa like that with other people around lor! !$$%#$^%&^%*^

Eventually, i saw her and YN in a bigger room and i breathed a sigh of relief and tip toed in. She spoke to me in mandarin, most of which i could hardly understand... After some guessing and gesturing, i figured that she wanted me to lie down on the bed with my face placed into the hole.
The massage went reasonably well............. But if you thought that i fell into a deep blissful slumber, you cannot be more mistaken!!! Her hands worked fast and furiously on my back and upper butt (yes, butt!) and my brain was cussing away in pain and sometimes, i'd be giggling uncontrollably because she hit ticklish spots now and then. When my back creaked and cracked she exclaimed: "AIYO! You very tired issit? When you very tired, it is like that." Oh. Kay.

After feeling like someone put my back through a pounding machine, my massager (?) left the room without further instructions except for: "Don't drink too much water after 8pm. Drink only in small sips." And left. YN then came out from the jacuzzi in the same room and we talked for a bit, wondering what we were suppose to do. And she offered me one of her home-and-self made chocolate cookies! Yum! :-D

Only after like say, 15-20 minutes, one of the staff came along and told us to get changed while she'll get us some tea. So we did just that and ventured out from the room. By right, i was suppose to have my jacuzzi bath as well, but i was already getting a bit impatient with their lack of organization and personalized care that i decided to forego the jacuzzi.

We came out and wondered where we were suppose to have our tea. We assumed it was one of the rooms that had a tray of tea waiting, but we decided to ask the women at the reception area. The girl was nice and led us back to the said room, and so we sat down to drink. After the obligatory attempt by one of the staff to get us to buy a package (which she was not pushy about, so i give her credit for not being annoying), which of course we declined nicely, we paid and left.

I don't think i'll be going back any time soon. Nuh uh. I'm not sure why they kept leaving us to our own devices. From what i gather, it's either because they took us for regular customers who know what to do, OR, spa goers are generally given as much time as they need to relax and hang around hence they are not hurried. But still! I felt so lost. Bleah.

YN and i parted ways soon after cos i had to return home for dinner. While walking through the suntec towers, naturally, i cannot not go into Nike Bird and Royal Sporting House... Anyway... For those of you wondering what joline likes.... you can never ever go wrong with sportswear. *hhhinnntt*

Ok, i fell in love with this maroon running top (there were two that i liked, but i picked this one to try) and this pair of gold and black running shorts from Nike (but, but!!! The pink and grey one, as well as the purple and pink combinations were nice too!). But then, i went to Royal Sporting House and spotted another pair of running shorts from Reebok and it was equally nice. I'm thinking of getting either one, or two... or three items... Hmm...

I decided not to buy anything yet, but to return home to handle my budget first. Aren't i a good girl. :-) And what muscley legs i have!









Anyway, i shall end my post here now. Tomorrow'll be a long day.

YARRRRRKKKKKKKKKK!

Jo prints out set of songs for BACC.

Jo notices that text is all smudged out on the first page. Jo notices that there is black and red smeared all over paper.

Jo also notices something long and black that is twitching on its own on the piece of paper.

Jo assesses long twitching thing.

Jo realizes with horror that it is a SEVERED LIZARD TAIL SOAKED WITH BLACK INK twitching on her paper.

JO IS $$#^%&^%&% HORRIFIED.

Jo turns second piece of paper around and finds the MANGLED, TORN AND DISTORTED BODY LUMP OF THE LIZARD STUCK BEHIND THE SHEET OF PAPER, PRINTED WITH BLACK STREAKS BY THE PRINTER.

Jo's hand was dangerously near the mangled, torn and distorted lizard body lump.

JO IS SO GROSSED OUT SHE HURRIEDLY CRUSHES UP PAPERS AND TOSSES THEM INTO A PLASTIC BAG.

JO WOULD'VE TAKEN PICTURES TO GROSS YOU OUT TOO IF SHE WASN'T THAT GROSSED OUT HERSELF.

Printer exploration gone wrong for Mr Lizard.

Retarded Lizard!!!

Have you ever experienced times when you hear your mind/God?/heart telling you to do something, but you brush it aside, by rationalizing away, or, because you were too distracted, or thought maybe it wasn't too important, or that things would not change even if you obeyed? (amongst other things)

In the last 3 days, i had one or two of these promptings which i didn't obey. And mind you, regret is not a nice feeling.

And i think one of the main reasons why i failed to obey (i used to do so all the time because i didn't want to leave anything to chance) was because i was not receiving tangible feedback that what i had done had any impact on anyone or anything.

That's not a good reason to stop of course, but i guess as humans, we need a little encouragement that we have made a contribution somehow. Ah, part of Keyes and Magyar-Moe's social well being theory... "Social Contribution: the assessment of whether one is of value in society".

Knowing that we have made an impact keeps us going, it eggs us on by giving us hope that in doing what we are doing, it will fulfill a purpose, even if we cannot see it immediately.

Of course, rewards can either come quickly, or after a long, tedious process. Both of which we can't really control to begin with. All we can do is to be the trigger, the starter. The important thing is to just do the right thing even in the face of emptiness or bleakness.

If all the tiny millions of neurons in our brains (sitting high on our bodies in the main control centre that is The Head) went on strike and chose not to pass on their electrical and chemical messages through one another, we'd not be able to function at all. Similarly, if i went on strike and chose not to to the right thing, God cannot use me to move and change situations.

As for those on the receiving end... Hey, if someone has made an impact in your life today, or if you know someone who needs a little credit for their deed(s), why not be open to them about it. You never know how you can be that trigger in their lives as well.

So... Encourage someone today! Give out those free power gels (carbohydrate loaded food used by athletes)! Run beside a fellow friend/enemy in their hard and hot race of life and offer your towel (for enemies, maybe you can take the opportunity to pour water over their heads instead. Heh.)! Sms or call someone to check on them! Observe and give praise!

Why not?
And besides, you don't need a prompting before you do something good for someone.

Knee How Mah?

Ok, this'll be a update about the knee injury. The when, and whats. A big big thanks to those of you who've shown your concern... I really appreciate it. It's like, it's my injury, either you don't even meet me, OR, you can't see the problem even when i'm around, but yet you still enquire about how i'm doing... So i'm touched. :-)

It started two days after my New Balance real run. I finished the run well, and i was perfectly fine after and during the race. Monday passed by uneventfully, and then on tuesday morning, all i did was squat, and that was when i felt the sharp pain around the knee cap and stood up immediately. I noticed a lump formation as well and i was pretty frightened because i've never felt anything like it before.

For days, i could not squat fully because it'd hurt. After 3 weeks, things got a lot better. It hurt less, but i still felt that the lump and pain, though it was minimal. I thought i was doing well, so i took a walk home with Jun one saturday night, and to my disappointment when i got home, the lump and pain flared up and squatting was painful again. The next day though, it was slightly better.

All of this was puzzling me, so... i finally got to see the doc.

According to the orthopedic doctor, he said:
"Nothing serious... Just some wear and tear in the knee joint, some arthritis here (taps the x-ray image)... Nothing serious. Your knee cap is rough from the wear and tear. So, when you overdo, the knee cap rubbed against a weak part of the knee and that area produced fluid, which is causing the swelling. So, every time you overuse the knee, it'll produce the fluid and therefore, the pain."

Suffice to say, my heart and spirit was crushed. It might not sound that serious, but to me, the implications were... So, does that mean that my running days are over? Does that mean that i'll always get this pain when i run? Since running uses the knee a lot.

It did not help that though he is sort of nice, he wasn't answering my questions properly when i proposed my concerns to him, and he didn't seem very sympathetic about how i obviously felt.

He recommended that i go for physiotherapy, which i did for the first time in my life on wednesday. I LOVED IT. Well, i got a therapist who educated me on the knee physiology and told me what exactly was going on. Apparently, this problem is a common one, seen mostly among school athletes and NS men.

I learnt about the position of the patella, the outer and inner thigh muscles and how my knee cap was moving sideways because my outer thigh muscles were stronger than the inner ones, therefore resulting in the misaligned movement. She also taught me some exercises to do on my own everyday. The inner thigh muscles need a good workout.

She gave me one good knee massage (wa seh, darn PAIN but darn SHIOK) and then hooked me up to two machines. The first one was an ultrasound machine that was suppose to help with the cell healing, and the second machine was to help reduce the swelling. All i had to do was lie still and enjoy the prodding and massaging. Hee.

It's much better these couple of days. I guess the physio session and exercises really do help. It's not completely well, but i'm just trusting for healing and recovery. In the meantime... I'm swimming. Haha, ok, so it's hard to keep me off my sports.

So yep, this is the whole story. Other than the fact that i've decided to go for the standard chartered half marathon. And... i'll be walkin'. Yeah baby, YEEHAH!

So my exams are over... And things have gotten a little... busy (most of it is busy-ness in my head) in such a short span of time.
It's 2:30am now, and d'you know how wonderful it is to spend some quiet time alone in my room? I've been so caught up with non recreational stuff lately that having time to deliberately sit still, to hear myself think, is a luxury. Yeah lah. My brain works at pentium 1 speed, so i need more time to process my thoughts. I'm not the most intellectual person around here.

The peace is just... Wow. Having the LEGAL opportunity (when school's in, blogging with reckless abandon feels like a crime) to engage in non academic work in the wee hours of the morning is liberating. In the stillness of the night, in the quietness and privacy of my room, with the door closed to keep noise away from my family, i feel safe and free. I can feel my eyes getting puffy and tired now, but i'm reluctant to hit the sack. :-D

(joline's 5 second blond moment: gah, exam stress gave me big pimples!)

So... Updates.

First things first, i'm preparing to have to retake one of my papers. Nasty stuff, but at times like this, you just need to face reality and plan for the future. It's not about being pessimistic. It's just that, i'm not living in denial. I trust God, yes, but what if He does allow me to fail this paper for reasons that are beyond me? Trusting God isn't always about believing that he WILL give you what you ask for. I trust Him, despite, whatever the outcome is.

Secondly, i thought my knee was getting better, on the road to recovery. After two weeks or so, i'm able to squat again. But i'm still not able to do what i used to do normally, ie, put pressure on my knee, crawl around (while playing with Jed lah! You think for what.), and spring up from a squating position. BUT then, despite the improvements... I came home from a walk with Jun from Holland Village, and discovered... To my horror, that i cannot squat without experiencing the same (now elevated) pain, and the lump now feels enlarged again. I'm quite miserable about this whole injury, really. I love my sports, i love my exercise. And i cannot imagine my life without rigorous sporting activity.
I have NO clue as to what is causing the lump and pain. I've gotten an appointment with a specialist this coming wednesday, and I'm hoping that he'll be able to help me out. :-( And my Standard Chartered half marathon is in TWO WEEKS!!! I am feeling miserable about it, yes.

Thirdly, i am feeling emotional pain. Not my own though. I'm not feeling LADEN with weight, what i mean is, i am feeling the pain that others are feeling. I mean, i had the privilege of being able to listen to some of my friends and though i don't fully comprehend what they are going through, i can sense the struggle and pain. There's only so much one can say and do to solve a problem. We can help the person with or through the negative emotions, but problems don't and can't disappear in an instant. It takes courage on our part to tackle the issues, some time to bear through the process, to tear up the problem and then mend things back again. We get scars, but we come out wiser.

Fourthly. Planning for Bintan and Timor trip. Hm. Hm. Hm. Every person who finds out that Timor is my first mission trip destination go like this: "OH REELEEE????!!!! HOHOHOHOHO!!!!"
I found out the reason for their enigmatic behaviour: It's because in terms of technological advancements, Timor is the most backward in this region.
Ha! I listened to their explanation with a mixture of wonder and... terror. Ah well. But really, i'm game for it. Seriously.

People usually say that the children there are wonderful. Honestly, i'm not a lover of little humans. In fact, i'm afraid of children, and because of past experiences as a child, i don't particular like children. And i'm told that there are LOADS of children and that they will come flocking to your home and you, and talk to you. Ok... Uhm. Uh. Hmm... Well. I guess it's a time for God to mould me, to be a more expressive, fearless and loving person.

Ok, this's all for now. I don't exactly know who reads all my junk other than the usual suspects that i get comments from (heehee, i REALLY appreciate you ok! Without you, this blog would be pretty lifeless). Some of you don't let me know of your presence (hi CHERYL, yes, YOU! MUAH HAHAHA.)!!! But still, thanks for dropping by to read up on my ordinary life (care to share what brings you here?). So i'm not yabbering into a black hole. :-D

(jo's 2nd 5 second blond moment: if i don't sleep soon... worsened eye bags!)

Toodles. joline out~.

I had my first paper yesterday.

It was a Royal Fiasco.

I've handed it up to the good people to mark it. I cannot do anything about it anymore.

So i've submitted it to God. Because God can do something (if He deems fit).

Hello world! Your friendly blogger is still alive, longs to blog but is up for exams this week. So, am here just to say HI ALL! *wave* and that it is infinitely crappy to have a knee injury just 1 month shy of my half marathon, and that i'm seeing the end of the tunnel that wasn't all that dark to begin with, and oh, my cell group/church mates has created a blog!

It's new, so there aren't many posts yet... But it shall fill up in time. We're at www.ntucell.blogspot.com Come visit us some time!

EXAMS? BRING IT ON!

Hi folks. Yes, i've been MIA-ing in the last week or so... Because i've been mugging for my upcoming exams (MY LAST EVER IN SCHOOL... UNLESS I FAIL!) and also, anything interesting to post would involve pictures and i don't have the luxury of time right now to wait for it to load.

Anyway, over the weekend, only one thing struck me and i feel compelled to tell you about it. We had the privilege of hearing from a pastor who shared with us her experience of God telling her to pray for something very important.

She said:

"During the prayer (she was at a prayer event), i postrated before God and i was praying in tongues and interceding. But i did not know what i was praying for... So i asked the Lord to show me what I was interceding for. And he showed me a vision...

I saw MULTITUDES of young people... Walking together... And they looked completely LIFELESS. (she adds, addressing the congregation: i see some of you here, some looking bored, some sleeping, but at least you are still alive...) But the youths looked SO LIFELESS!

Then i saw them walk to the very end... I think a place where they could not walk any further anymore... And i saw them jumping. Jumping over a cliff, and no one came back up again. Then i saw where they were jumping into... Fire. And i knew, the Lord was showing me the Lake of Fire (in Hell)."