I think i saw her. And seeing her brings back memories of a time long ago, of a time that i have put behind me. Time not withstanding, the emotions still felt a little raw and I felt them creep up on me from the crevices of my mind, but i chose to beat them back ferociously into a state of submissive hiding. But i can hear its sneering, taunting me, making me feel a tinge of that familiar pain all over again.

She looks different. Older and bears less of that childlike disposition, though she still retains the same resemblance to the young primary school going child i saw about 3 to 4 years ago. But most of all, she looks like her brother: Echoing that face i knew so well.

There was a time when she, in all her cheerful innocence, brought me to her room to show me her collection of toys and knick knacks and introduced them one by one to me. And there were other times when she would boisterously pounce on my back and delight in piggy back rides from me. She made me feel included, she made me feel that she accepted me, enjoyed being with me.

Today, her gaze followed me as i walked on by. If it was really her, I wonder what she thinks of me now. I wonder if she hates me or sees me with disdain for all the things that she must've heard that i've done from his side of the story.

I've been guilty of delying comment replies (but i've replied oreddi! but yes, you may stone me) and blogging because i've been stuck to the xbox for the last couple of days. Someone save me. Either that, SOMEONE PLEASE BE MY XBOX PLAYMATE! And WE GOTTA AIM TO PLAY TO WIN!

Note: My gem came over to my place and i erm... made him play the game with me. *pai seh* But he had to pick... Gimli! *piak* (Gimli is that short, ruddy, hairy, chunky Dwarf in Lord of the Rings)

(my sister has now grown slightly bored of my choice of game, and is already grumbling that i've been hogging her xbox and depriving her of her games.)

Thing is, she doesn't make a pip when i'm playing and when i'm not at it, she's on her PC. I'm not selfish lah...
As you might have guessed, i have decided to go through with this game until i complete it. Deadset on its completion. Which looks like an end that is no less near. Soon.

I love having two blades. Wah, and i've been playing until i feel slightly giddy-ish when i stop to pause for a rest.

My hand muscles have been sore for about an hour. My two thumbs throb. My fingernails threaten to puncture the flesh of 4 of my digits. My backside may rot. My eyeballs may drop out.

Xboxing: Lord of the Rings.

Unspeakable Fun-ness.

Oh. Yes.

It may be just a matter of time before i go search out some LAN Gaming? Uhm, you know... Just to give it a try.

Feeling all sleepy from a good dinner that's been due for about a week, in celebration of the parentals' anniversary. Got to say that even after slightly over 20 years of marriage, they still ooze them lovey dovey mushy stuff. Not really through words (not that i get to hear any of it outright anyway) but through their affectionate touches and gestures.
Whee, i sure hope that i'll be able to have such a relationship with future spouse.

***

Some time ago in year 2002, it was after the 'A's when i was given a part time job at The Body Shop located within Turf City. It was the Christmas period, and i had easily gotten the job but it being the Christmas season, there was plenty of work to accomplish everyday, i had loads of stuff to learn on the spot and tried my best to handle customers and colleagues with tact.
But i was blessed with a manager who is a family friend from church and the other sales assistants were a nice bunch.

But during that time, i was still nursing a broken heart, with the year being the same year of that nasty split. It didn't help that the store had to play this particular Christmas CD over and over and over again, for the entire friggin' day.

The songs included were stuff like, "Give me a Maaaaaannnnnnn, this Christmas!" and you know, another the one that goes like, "Last Christmas, i gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away..."

Not that the songs spoke of my sob story, but they weren't very conducive for emotional healing when you have such angsty music playing overhead. Most of the time, i psyched myself into being strong and to think naught of such matters of the heart.

Yeah, so you can imagine me singing with gusto (em, under my breath actually, lest i be deemed kuku by customers and colleagues) "GIVE ME A MAAAANNNN!!!! THIS CHRISTMAS!!!" And i'd be thinking of myself as a strong, proud, chin-up-and-fighing-fit-confident women who deserves nothing less than a superb male counterpart who knows how to treat his woman, and that i will have better.

These songs, till today, have never failed to bring back memories of that time. Though that period of pain is now dead and gone, but from time to time, i find myself go slightly grim inside when i hear these songs. Thank God that these moments are mostly fleeting.

And then there are those other songs that once upon a time would bring you joy and that fuzzy feeling whenever you hear it over the radio. And you'd beam warmly. But now, they only rekindle memories that pull out from the bad and good times from the past.

It sucks when some songs that started out being personal favourites are now songs that you'd rather not hear. That happens when, because of some event, grew to have sentimental meanings attached to them, and sadly so when it wasn't meant to be intentionally laden with such meanings.

Nah, i am not in a rubbishy mood. Just thought that i'd type this out. Just because.

***

YEAH! We've gotten a bronze in the women's compound event. Congrats to MG! Well done girl. :-)

***

Reactions to my currently bleached-streaked hair:

Girls:
- "Hey! New hairdo!"
- "Hey, nice!"

Guys:
- WHAT. DID. YOU. DO. TO. YOUR. HAIR?!!?!?!?!

I kid you not. ALMOST ALL the guys said that to me. Now, what sort of conclusion shall i draw from this? Muah hahahaha. Doesn't bother me in the least bit really, because for all its bright golden-monkey-kind-of-gold, plus white blond, plus brown and black, i am strangely pleased.

Have decided to dye it over soon in the colour, "frosty beige". Whatever. I just hope that my theory of Creating Highlights work.

For a country so interested in our bright, young and imported talent, so bent on golds and medals in general, so supportive, so desiring to up our sporting standard, so intent on splurging on a sports school to give young kiddles a chance at excelling in an area other than academics...

They sure give so much coverage for the SEA Games as a form of encouragement and a way for us at home to support! 1 hour! I couldn't ask for more!

Oh yes, in 1 hour, i am able to see every single movement detail of a wushu exponent, i am able to learn the little itty bitty techniques from a taekwondo match, i can critque the sprinting techniques of a sprinter, i can cheer the swimmers all the way, i can silently whisper go-go! to our snooker-ians, and scream and jump as i watch our sprinters pound on the track, i can stay attuned to take note of the opponent's weaknesses and strongpoints in a badminton match, i can also watch my archers in action for ALL THEIR EVENTS: men, women in compound and recurve!
YEAH PEOPLE YEAH!

All in ONE SPANKINGLY GOOD HOUR!

ABSOLUTELY BRAINSMASHINGLY TOTALLY MINDWRECKINGLY GOODASMOOSHINGLY WOOONDDDEERRRFOOOOLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sheesssshhhh. Here's an open letter that i just MIGHT edit and send. *ROAR!*

Dear Mediacorp,

Would you be so kind as to up the number of hours of screen time? It IS the SEA Games you know and our nation is interested, aren't they? We've got legions of young and impressionable minds out here waiting to be inspired and, and we'd LOVE to see our heroes in action.
Pretty please?!

Yours truly... (truly annoyed)
Joline

p.s: the only thing that i'm pleased about is that the 1 hour occurs at 6pm, and not at some unearthly morning hour when everyone's still meditating horizontally.

Jo: "Look! The phoenix has risen from the ashes!"

(Jo brandishes her compound bow in the air proudly, as she prepares to go for a long overdue shoot at the jurong range)

Sister: "More like from the dust".

Jo: -.-"

*

Shooting went well today, though i had to bring down the poundage of my bow lest i burst a brain vein when i draw it. Grouping was good at 18m (distance used in indoor shoots), though in all honesty, i think the improper target sheet wasn't a good enough gauge of how consistent my form REALLY is.

*

Ok, that was just some rubbish post to update this place. Might edit or strip it down. *yawn* I'm awful sleepy. Am gonna shut down, right about... Now.

I always get really excited and not to mention... smug, whenever i see anything associated with archery featured in the papers. And i notice that this is true a little more so than before, now that the SEA Games is here. But when i took a good look at today's "Urban", well, you can call me an anal little squirt, but seeing that model slink herself around that recurve bow leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

C'mon, archery is doubtlessly a garang looking sport, and if i may further say so, it also looks real atas, therefore somehow that made-up model, with that photoshopped-to-perfection sort of image didn't quite cut it to look very fitting and if anything, looked quite lame and poseurish. And hur, did you see the way she was holding it like some musical instrument in the article, think: cello or double bass?
(this isn't to say that it cannot be poetic looking/interpreted as some sort of art too)
But, bleargh, I say. Let our National archer, B, (who was in the article) pose for the front page! He would do the bow and the image of archery a lot more justice. What's with the female-dominated-cover-page mentality.

About time i got back to training. Sundays at the range and other extra days, it will be, when the outdoor competition draws nearer. Yoo hoo, youth folks at the A.C.S, are you with me on this?

***

I've finally gone for a lock chop, but i can't say i look any more different than before. It's just a shorter and marginally neater version of my previous do. And yet still, i need to blow dry it straight.

Now, to dye it. Brown head or red head. *cocks a brow*

My Gem has so graciously offered to bleach me some streaks. Ah now, isn't he sweet. ;-) The only problem is, that i CANNOT FIND HAIR BLEACH, and i will not go to a hair salon because my pockets seem to be...

Hm. What pockets.

***

And finally, the thing he greeted me with this morning that i shall openly reciprocate here:
A Happy 2nd to us, this cheery, sunny, blue-skyed and white clouded day with the gorgeous rainbow sunset that wrapped up our day and now this post, on a short but sweet note.

in the last few weeks...

A Morris? Wot's a Morris?

It's a CAR!
One cheery weekend day, my folks and i went to Clementi and before i got to witness exactly how it was driven, this little vehicle from some era chugged itself into a parking lot and out hopped an elderly couple. I was astounded because: HELLO?! No DOORS? Not scared anyone will steal stuff (if there's anything worth stealing?) or not scared they hot wire it ah? Hm. Then again, i don't know how this thing works, so, yeah. Maybe got force field to protect it one.
For this reason of its sheer novelty, it was refreshing to see it stand right out from the sea of the now newer but generally all similar looking cars. Merc to Merc, Nissan to Nissan, Toyota, to Toyota to Toyota (to the power of 100), etc.

Couldn't help but take a shot of this one. To me, it looks like a birdlike face with one eye looking down and the other, up.

And this, my friends, is probably one of the best meals that lazy bums like myself have been waiting for forever. Maggi and Myojo has never reached such heights of genius invention. We now have... The Dodo Instant Mee Pok! And believe it or not, it tastes NOTHING like what you might expect instant mee to taste like, because though granted it could do with more ingredients, it serves up a pretty mean meal for something that you only need to microwave for 2 minutes.
It even contains fishballs (which are NOT pathetic little freeze dried lumps that measure 1cm in diameter) and the chilli that is already inside is quite good too. I think there was fishcake and veg too, but i can't be sure, please don't hold me on this because i was too hungry to note anything more then what i've already stated. Altogether, not 100% perfect hawker fare, BUT, close enough, maybe 90%. They've got a few other kinds too, like Laksa, but i was recommended this one by the sales girl. (the difference and possibly the downside to this (?) i guess is, is that you need to store it in a freezer or was it fridge, and not a cupboard)

As i am watching "The Pianist"... (a true story)

No coherent thoughts as yet, but these are just a few signposts for me to look back on. Maybe more when i get to chew on it.

- exceptional lack of respect for life, and the dead. Truly remarkable.

- It's possible for people to compartmentalize their compassion for kin versus the rest of humanity. And it's not simple apathy for them, it's pure murder.
- And they can even sleep on it and get up the next day and do it all over again.

- a reunion with the rest of family might be a stupid OR smart move, depending on which circumstance you can live with, the before and aftermath.

- it's better to be dead sometimes.

- branded, mentally tortured, marginalized, voiceless.

- Wot's a poor little piano man got to do in a war like that. Anyway, you've got to hand it to him (the actual person) and the actor too, Adrien Brody.

- I wonder what God did with Hitler. And don't you think that "Hitler" is such an apt name for a man like that.

- I am amazed at selfless generousity for someone else, even if it means that you'll be left with one less truthworthy thing or person to look forward to everyday, while still staring in the face of death.

- You think that such horrors only happen in the past, that it's poo poo that a bloodbath history can repeat, and that people today are more civilised? Look around you right now, and think again.
- What would it take to ignite yet another world war. And... On whose terms?

- The way He (the Pianist) feels his way around what used to be someone's home (which is now just a heap of debris that represents all the fragments of someone's past), reminds me of how we peruse Anne Frank's private diary today.

- Don't you just love it that a piano can always exist where a single human exists no more?

- Mmm. Music as bribery, buying your way into a stone cold heart. Ok, maybe not bribery. But it sure melted it, if it wasn't bought. Recalls: "You're a Musician?"

- Nice. Music can save your life, and quite literally too eh. Gotta get me a Diploma in one-nah those.

- Bless his soul, that German officer.

...and teaching an old dog new tricks.

(as a continuation from the previous post)

Till this day, i wonder what might've happened if i had been exposed to more extra non academic activities when i was a sponge brained kid (now, brain is like a tough and old coral). I was blessed to have had piano lessons and art classes, though the latter was short lived. I pursued the piano, but after a dwelling location shift, the lessons stopped altogether and besides, i wasn't too keen on picking it up again because i didn't appreciate the classical music training (why do we need to be trained based on classical music anyway?).

It might've been a mistake to cease, because who knows what else i could have picked up from the techniques even if classical music was ugly to look at on paper and too tough for my short fingers. (pessimism?)

Other times, i look at myself and think... Why do i have all these muscles for?! Why didn't i pick up/given an opportunity at (whatever sport i liked and was good at) earlier and why wasn't i given a chance to excel? I'm not trying to glorify myself here, but from an objective point of view, i WAS born with more muscles mass than most females and i did/do have a natural advantage in certain sports. Back in school, i've always been picked to sprint, to do javelin and shot put.
No prizes for guessing why. *pokes thunder thighs and bulging biceps* 8-P

And more recently, i had a bout with the archery national team, which in the end didn't fully materialize due to politics and i believe, happened only to teach me humility.

Ah well, maybe in future, i will be using these muscles to carry tons of boxes of medical aid and stuff to people in need... Erm. Ok, i really have NO idea. Aiya, it's all about the timing and God's plan for me, which i need to learn to have no quarrel with but to be obedient and humble enough to listen and obey.

There're so many things i want to try. A new sport, a new skill. But each time i voice out such a desire, i'm told: Don't be a jack of all trades and master of none. Concentrate on one area and be good in it.

Guess it's not just me who curbs my own growth, huh.

I believe that there is wisdom in that, however, i also do think that it's myopic if one were to take that as 100% true and follow it religiously.

I believe that one should be given chances to find out where the talents lie, and you cannot do that by concentrating in one area and hammering at it like your life depended on it. You need to feel around, try out the basics of an activity, see if your mind and body feels comfortable when immersed in doing something.

It's when people give themselves ample opportunity to experiment, when their horizons begin to broaden, where the mental, physical and emotional aspects of the human being is refined. You sharpen your psyche, you attune your body to deal with the rigours of various physical demands, and better still when you are able to fuse these aspects into one, as you allow interaction and application between the two.

And you wonder why some people are so well rounded, and i don't mean in physical shape.

Of course this is not limited to *learning something* per se, but you might include something like overcoming a personal struggle or fear, doing something out of your comfort zone or coming to terms with old ghosts and skeletons in the closet, etc.

I don't want to wait till the day my mind fossilizes, when my finger curls into gnarled claws, when all my money is spent on family expenses, when i come of age where there's a high chance that my eyes fail me, when my strength is close to zero, when my heart cannot take bungee jumping,... (you get the idea)

I don't want wait until i am an old, stinky, slobby dog with severe incontinence before i begin my quest to quench this thirst of curiousity. The exploratory and dare-to-do journey must begin, as i turn the knobs (and maybe pick the locks) and step through the many doors before me. I surely hope that the doors have Exit signs when i turn around to see them from the inside, in cases when and if i have to turn tail. But most of all, in my journeys, as i step into the enticing worlds that beckon to me beyond the door frames, i want to discover and be revealed THE path.

And if i do venture onto treacherous grounds, boggy sandpits, deep dark jungles where no light reaches...

:-) I know i am not alone.

Pessimism

Something worship pastor shared with us:

When you are in a tough situation, don't ask God to help you "GET OUT of it" but rather, ask God WHAT you can "get out OF IT".

Nice.

*** ***

As i look back on some of the events in my life, i've come to the conclusion that i have been greatly crippled by my pessimism.

Times when i say, "Ah, it can't be done" or, "Ah, it's not there", and other non positive and defeatist attitude kinds of statements, someone or some thing will come through, showing me that i was wrong and that it's NOT impossible. And often times, i have had to eat my words and swallow my bitter ball of pride and tell myself that next time: Pursue the matter more, you! Or you'll never succeed while others will.

Pessimism, is this mental cancer. I refuse to call it "My" mental cancer, because i refuse to make it mine, to attach it to myself for life. No. That is not what anyone should be declaring and if you've taken pessimism to an unhealthy level, i suggest that you shouldn't continue living in it, relating yourself to it as though you've resigned yourself to being controlled by it and limp in its clutches.

But it acts as a double edged sword as well. One edge that serves to protect you from taking far fetched, crazy risks that might kill you, and as said above, the other edge serves to bite you back in your posterior.

That said, but as i've witnessed for far too long already, it stunts a person's growth and not only does it stunt one, but it can also tear down a team of people. I think that the pessimism should be shrunken down - Shrunken down to a size small enough for it to be your servant, rather than something that is your master.

So get this:
Being a pessimist limits our vision, curbs our sense of self confidence in our capability to take on seemingly iffy challenges and risks, keeps us in a safe little pen that will over time become stale and barren. For all you know, there're just about a hundred things you CAN DO, but all you ever did, was stay on the safe side of the river, preferring not to venture out on new and possibly better pastures as you discover what you are good at and are able to accomplish.

I think our attitudes towards the paths ahead should take the form of:
Come on, think a little further about the "what ifs", the probability of what IF i can do it. Imagine what i could learn if i took the chance. Take a step forward on to that stepping stone. Looks slippery, i might fall, but let's give it a go. Now take one step, ah hah, and another... And another...

Maybe mommy was right to say that i should do more housework. Hey, if it helps me lose some water weight and if it makes me pensive enough to skip the self-help books at Kino, then hooo yeah, why not.

When the S.O. told me that the place had "only little kids", i broke out in cold sweat because to-me-little-children-are-garguantan-chewbaka-monsters-that-i-flee-from-and-prod-at-only-using-50feet-poles. But teaching them turned out to be not as bad as i had feared. I've taught kids before but not many, because i think that i am too stringent with them and the older archers are better with them. Still, it was much of a cheery day to see them beam when they manage to pop a balloon. The little ange...

*ahem* Very cute.

I still stand by my preference for teaching adults, but ok, i fear children less now. I beg you, oh powerful chewbaka like things, pray not to tilt the balance and break the sanctity of peace as it presently is on a precarious level of achieving equilibrium...

Ours was a tiny little booth, not more than just perhaps 11m by 3m or 4m or so, with two target boards plastered with 2 of the 122cm in diameter target faces. (which, for your information, is used for targets 70 metres away)

Wonder if i can take some photos to share. I should be going back to help on sunday again. Oh, and there's this food fare next door. Ok only if you like to sample food.

Lah dee dah. Oh and S.O. has told me that Art Friend has made their debut at Taka! WOOHOO! And i is also a friend of Art Friend now, because i has signed on as a member. Art Friend, you is my new friend, i lub you.

Oh, imagine all the things i can make for occasions with the whole vast array of materials. Yes, i shall attempt to be more original with my gifts. You lucky end year birthday babies, you.

ACK!
poof.

Coach Joline strikes again, this time at the Singapore Expo! *eviiiiil laaarfffter*

The big (erm, well, not sure how big, but bigger than our booth, that's for sure) occasion being held is the Asian Children's Festival, at Hall 6A, 11th of Nov to the 13th of Nov, till 9pm.

And we, the good people from the Archery Club of Singapore will be there to look cool with our bows and arrows, to also psycho impressionable young children as well as entice kiasu parents into believing that archery is a very very beneficial sport for their little sponge brains.

Which shouldn't be hard because archery IS a darn garang sport. So come on down man! Can come and boost your ego (think: suave and smooth Legolas) and you can be surrounded by our futures of tomorrow, happy and excitedly screaming kiddos! Oh, Life is so bright and beautiful!

The bad news: Shooting does not come free lah. We is non profitable organization, one.

Good news: Today, I will grace the booth from 4pm onwards.

*ahem* *koff*

Ok, enough shameless advertising.

Coach Joline, out.

Decided to scrape off the current post to make it more coherent. For now, toodlee doo, I'm off to school.

(a pre, pre, pre-teen Jo): "Mom, next time when we shift house, can we get a mini stove so that i can cook beside you?"
Mom: "Ok, ok."

And in my childlike ignorance, i had always thought that it would materialize, even though time and time again, i was disappointed. I can't really say that i've grown out of that stage that wished for a miniature stove. Because... I've been wanting a mini wok for the longest time and NOW, i've got one! Whee!
It makes cooking with a wok a breeze because it's lightweight and takes managebility to new heights. I love my new mini wok.

And this would be its virgin dish. Fried... Erm, i believe, they are french beans. I think.
For mom's birthday, we got to dine at Yuki Yaki, a japanese cook-your-own-dinner-on-hot-plate thingy over at Marina Square. Each table is equipped with a hotplate covered by aluminium foil, where you fry your meats and the other assorted raw food, while next to the hotplate, you'll have an in-built pot for soup if you fancy a soupy meal. I believe you have a choice of 3 soups: Tom Yum, Herbal Chicken and Fish. I made a waiter slip and fall when i covered the restaurant's floor with my drool. Everything looked soooo tantalizing (at the parents' table, picture below) :
And then what's extremely cool about this place (that sets it apart from Seoul Garden) is that once you're done with your hot meal, you can ask a waiter or waitress to clear up the aluminium foil and to cool the hot plate down... And you don't just cool it down so you don't burn yourself, but they turn it down so low that you can now make... ICE CREAM... (that is not ice cream, just so you know)
Before the plate is ready, there'll be a thin layer of ice, which means that the plate is now cold enough for you to begin making your dessert. That little creature was drawn by my god brother using the ladle meant for the ice cream. The poor dude had to wait quite a while for my sis and i to be done eating before we could all begin on the ice cream making.
So what you do is, you pick out a flavour from this assortment of "ice cream mixes" that the restaurant has stocked up in a refrigerator and then you pour it out onto the sub-zero plate. Now watch your goo turn into ice cream! No, not true. It takes some skill to make your ice cream look like ice cream. God brother made his and it turned out as ice chips (next time i show you when Blogger is not so irritating).
This was a rather interesting plant i saw outside an Italian restaurant, it has holes in the leaves but they weren't caused by caterpillars. Mom had a double dinner birthday treat this year, so it was from Japanese cuisine to Italian that we got to savour. Cantina, is the name of the Italian restaurant, tucked away in a quiet spot along with a couple more non-local food restaurants together with an odd ball cheena looking furniture place that was shut (if i don't remember wrongly) within the Greenleaf housing area (i think).
Ok, that was a dessert that we bought and shared among the 6 of us, an orange skin shell that was filled with orange sorbet ice cream. Yummmm. Since we are a strange bunch of people, we found nothing else better to do than to find ways to mutilate what was once an innocent dessert, poking holes into the skin and whatnot (this is not the only bo liao photo).

*** ***

Till next time, pictures of monkeys, i believe.

It was a huge hurricane. The diameter of it made no mistake with its message to anyone who sees it: That you're going to die.

And that's what someone told me: "We're going to get fragmantalized." But strangely, he said it with a grim smile on his face. Maybe that's because we knew that if we do die, we'll still see one another, but just in another dimension.

As a group of us lay down together, closing our eyes tightly, praying silently, we waited for death. "God, please make it a fast one." I uttered, to the agreement of the others around me. I was prepared to be flung around and shredded into a million ribbons by broken debris, for all i wanted was a death that was fast and with little suffering.

But oddly, as the hurricane howled through the building we were in, nothing happened, and we opened our eyes to find each of us all in one piece.

*

On the streets, we ran helter skelter and I held Jed tightly in my arms after finding him alone and lost a little earlier. I saw the hurricane coming and i knew i wanted to die. And yes, dumb as it sounds, i stood in its way, waiting to be buried by the huge amount of sand and debris that it was carrying. The force of it hit me and buried us, but rats, under all that, i was still alive and breathing. I hadn't died yet! I managed to clamber out from my failed sandy grave but to my horror, found that Jed was injured on one of his forelegs and was limping.

And that point, i turned to my dad who also managed to climb out from the debris and i asked him: Dad, should i let Jed go? (meaning: should i leave him because we couldn't afford to nurse him in such a crisis)

In that moment of anguish, i knew i had to let him go and i began to cry.

I opened my eyes to see my partially dark room, as daylight snuck in. And true enough, i awoke to a stuffy nose and hot tears springing from both my eyes and felt them stream liberally down my face.

*** ***

I told you i was morbid.

Anyway, i let mom in on this dream i had the night before and she brought up the article written about a prediction that someone made about Singapore and Malaysia getting hit by a tsunami too.
It doesn't do much to comfort me to know that this same person had also predicted the Thailand tsunami.

I have very mixed feelings and questions about this. Ranging from:

- How big would the tsunami be? How far in would it reach?
- How prepared is Singapore? In terms of taking the predictions seriously and in terms of infrastructure?
- Will telecommunications hold? How can we reach our loved ones after the crisis has struck?
- How much time do we have left, IF it happens?
- Can i handle seeing death strewn all over the land?
- How can i reach out to my friends in Christ's love? I cannot bear the thought of losing them.
- how prepared AM I? (mentally, emotionally and spiritually?)

I have no reason to worry about myself, because i know who and where my faith is placed in. Though I fear death in the sense that i fear what happens when i my biological heart stops:
- What does the spirit do when it no longer resides in my body? Does it like, get sucked out into some much-spoken-about dark tunnel?
- What would i be able to see? How would i feel? Would i be able to feel anything?

Apart from that, it's really the people around me that i worry for. About losing them, or seeing them suffer, held captive, tethering between the living world and the dead.

Worse, losing them for all eternity to the one of this world.

As it is even without some natural disaster, other disasters are already taking place and there is so much to be done for others. Broken families, torn relationships, even those under stress at work or at school, wounded souls and hearts, lost, angry people, people in dire straits but still trying to find something to hang on to, to survive.

But what am i doing? I am so ashamed of myself, for i am just merely sitting back, looking concerned, feeling sympathic, but not moving in prayer and offering some practical help out of love. Such insane hypocrisy on my part.

*** ***

I write this not to dishearten or to implant seeds of fear, but i write this as a reminder that there is a world out there, outside of our own little bubble of both pleasures and struggles, that implores and begs for help and healing. And we the ones who can, to some degree, give it, should, in whatever ways that we can.

In this borrowed time that we've been spending with our various chases, it is still possible to pour out compassion and to lend a hand, with no strings attached and to give freely without boundaries, from our hearts.

It is so easy to talk passionately about helping but it's such a huge challenge, even a barrier, for a hard and prideful hearted person like me to walk the talk. God, i need a heart that is softer, humble, not afraid to look stupid. A heart that is genuine, and not self seeking. A heart that bleeds for others, and not for myself.

I smile when i see some of my friends... For there is a glow about them that is indescribably beautiful. It is the kind of beauty that does not fade and age with wrinkles and does not depend an ounce on physical looks. But it's a beauty that arises from taking God, His ways and His heart, seriously. With that kind of devotion to reverence, this beauty is everlasting.

And so... I shall end this by saying something rather anticlimax lah, but i really mean it:

Kudos to those who have been and are taking active steps to love those within their reach, be it friends, family members and even strangers. The Lord knows your heart and sees your every deed.

27th of Oct 2005 (thursday)

Rah... stayed away from blogging, not totally on purpose, but because i've not had anything interesting to say and/or because i was too lazy to develop on some lingering thoughts. Ah, i don't discuss philosophy or the meaning of life here very much, for this blog is for drivel and this is drivel to the max. Lee dee dah, so sue me. :DDDDD!!!
*ahem, cough* Anyway, i've got here some photos from the day that we spent together, before the Gem had to go to a nearby foreign land.

***

And so the day begun with the Gem coming over in the morning to my place to cook up a storm with me. Ok, not. We are not exactly kitchen virgins, but neither are we Martin Yans so well, before actually deciding on what we'd be making, we just coughed out a rough list of foodstuff that we wanted to get from the supermarket. And so we made our little journey down by foot to the newly renovated Cold Storage at some destination that sounds a bit like a fusion of "Lolita" and "Jelly".

Halfway through grocery shopping, we decided to make pasta. To snip the long story short, here's the final product, the result of our combined powers of culinary prowess. *Ahem* Introducing pasta with scrambled eggs. All right, i admit you cannot go too far wrong with pasta. It's a simple concept, it's a low stress level dish PLUS, i have got to say that my Gem is easy to work with in the kitchen. Boy, am i one lucky girl. And i finally got to see how he cooks his "JFE" *wink*. Extra pasta's in the Pyrex:

(fast forward)

We skipped down to Lau Pa Sat after my keyboard lessons for dinner and gosh. I'd much rather eat the cancer causing barbequed food than the sorry Korean set meal that i bought from a frazzled and agonized looking aunty. And i couldn't help but down two helpings of the high-in-demand teh tarik. It's good stuff, can? Don't you look at me like that. How often do i get to drink the stuff anyway?! Well, ok, that's not me in the picture, obviously. ;-) I was snapping away, capturing his various facial expressions while he spoke, and was pleasantly surprised that he wasn't shy around the camera. Goooooood. That bodes well for me. *hiak hiak*

Having had our fill, (oh yes indeed. Satay and teh tarik on top of the "main dish" makes a happy belly) we took a stroll down to the "park" that is the home of our white stoned lion-fish, famously known as the Merlion. Can't say that it's the most beautiful thing i've ever seen and i reckon it might also be that i've never seen it from a tourist's point of view (then again, do tourists think it's an intriguing mythical animal? Or an ugly lump of stone.), plus, i suppose i've been surrounded by too many ugly versions of it since i was a kid (think: those deformed looking merlions as keychains), so, shocked and in awe, i was/am not.

It was drizzling already but that didn't stop us from satisfying our trigger happy photolust. So off we went to do our own thing, which is something i love about us - Sharing the same interest but also being able to give each other space to wander around enough to accomplish our own agenda when we want to. This is a shot of the blue waves that Merlion sits on:

I took a few more photos, but Blogger was like doing a marvellously prompt job about uploading my photos that i had so much fun waiting and getting "page cannot be displayed" that i thought i'd give it a rest. So, this last one's of the bridge, connecting the "park" to the Esplanade.:

Our day didn't quite end there since we wanted to spend as much time together before he leaves for the foreign land, but we took too many gory, mind-messing photos that it would be cruel of me to subject you to such mental trauma. Hence the lack of end-of-the-day photos. Ok, so i DO have one decent one... but since it has my face in it, that alone counters all molecules, atoms and electrons of decency and therefore, it shall be kept in the recesses of Adele's (my lappie) memory for private viewing only.

Apparently, i had two free tickets to watch the movie premiere of "Domino", some action show featuring bounty hunters. If you ask me, it looks really cheesy, but whatever. My sister won them from an online competition and passed them to me to use: "Ah, ask (him) to go with you."

(I wanted to ask but i knew you were going to be busy.) So, my dad and i were set to go, but to cut the long story short, we didn't eventually. Sayoonara free tickets~!

But that got me thinking. Now, when was the last time my dad and i went out together? Perhaps it was that Sim Lim Square trip to get a laptop adaptor. But i think that that's essentially different from going for a movie with dad. If we had gone, I wonder if people looking at us might think that he's my sugar daddy, and me, the kept woman. *Cringe*

(I've been mistaken for his wife before. *ROAR!* Hmmmm... So, i guess that means that i wasn't dressed up flashily enough to be said kept woman. hur hur, *snort*)

Anyhow, that just brought to mind how as a little girl, dad would hold my hand in his chunky ones after church service on a sunday morning as we walk toward the coffeeshop that we always patronize for brunch.
And along the way, i'd be running a song through my head and i'd let my fingers play an imaginary piano, by pressing onto dad's palm.

Little girls holding on to daddy's hands is socially acceptable, but not when the little girl has grown up.
But i AM still daddy's little girl! Just taller, looking slightly different, with pimple scars and no longer carrying assorted cutesy stationary and colouring books in a cutesy little bag.

Talking about nostalgic thoughts of the past regarding the parentals, i feel like crying as i listen to "Fly Away" by Corrinne May. It's about how her mother felt (about her daughter leaving the family and country to achieve her dreams) : Loving too much to not let her go but still hurting inside to know that her daughter will be so far away. And so as the years go by, one night she gets a call from home regarding her mother. And when she returned, well, she didn't say exactly what happened, but i guess you can assume that her mother had either left the worldly existence/was very very ill.

It's so ironic how beauty can be derived from looking tenderly at something sad.

*tear drop*

The waves of war are over and done with, and i thank GOD for bringing me through it without losing my mind (i kid you not on this). To all my friends and my significant other who've kept me in prayer... A big,

"Thank You!"

I've been really blessed with all the well wishes and kind support coming in from everyone and even from my archery club president! *takes a bow* It is simply by being remembered and all that makes one feel soooo loved. :-)

*** ***

I remember making a list of things to do after my exams, and yeah, i plan to carry them out. There're just about a gazillion things i wish to take head on. But for now, i am content to stay around at home to recuperate from all the late nights and mental activity over the year and for the last few weeks.

Been wanting to go sweat it out at the gym and go arching too, but as life likes to poke fun at me, i have just come down with a flu. Gah, i SO love awaking to the wonderful, uplifting feeling of a sorethroat and a stuffed up nostril. Woohoo!

But never me mind, it shall soon pass, and i'll be as good as new. La dee da.

Anyway, these are my current additions to the list:

- Go to Ikea with misS_D
- Spend time with my Gem

Hm, i had a lot more leh, what happened?

Cannot remember... *scratch*

- Dye hair and do something else to it, maybe.
- Oh yes! Catch up with old mates. I know i promised you gals/guys all the time to go yak!
- Clear room
- go for the tree top trail at MacRitchie

*** ***

This blog entry is really about nothing much... I know i've got some things on my mind, but i am too lazy to develop any coherent thoughts on them. Probably explains in part why i am such an intellectually unstimulated bimbo with nothing smart to say sometimes. Er, most of the time.


In addition to that yummy layer of cheese, there's egg-mayo filling inside the potato too! I am so brilliant. *smug*

Eh hm.

All right, ok, not quite. I just need to psycho myself up for the next few days when Mom won't be around. That makes me Maria 101, since the sister will be busy and there's no way on Earth i can run away from house chores now.

As promised, i shall go to bed early. I am determined to reset this upset biological clock.

Singapore's Own Breed of Nocturnal Creatures

Why can't i get money (ok, not that i am working but i still want money because i am a non-working, pathetically dependent student) the same way my face makes pimples?!
Fast to come, in huge amounts and they are biiiigggg. Freaking Pimple Farm. *mumble*

Some time ago, my Gem and i were having a MSN conversation on whether the Night Safari had accomodation for us... (because we were often up late trying to complete school work)

So, this is my imaginary Night Safari summary of... the Tertiarius Studustus, in English meaning, Tertiary Students: (*requires insider local knowledge)

"And look to your left hand side! You will now be able to see the Tertiatrius Studustus enclosure, housing the creatures also known as Tertiary Students, one of Singapore's most important form of economic dependency and one of the first native nocturnal animals. They are mostly concentrated on the west end of our urban country, their most distinctive and lauded physical feature being the perfectly shaped dark rings around their eyes.

Other variations of the species include the ones that migrated away from the west into the central part of Singapore, perhaps seeking to be different, and thus also creating for themselves a highly advanced and spacious town habitat.

The other species variations, more inclined towards the fine arts, reside in both the central and east end of the island, living a somewhat less but no doubt seasonal exhibitionist lifestyle. But do not be fooled by this as they have shown to have acquired a vibrant name for themselves over the years. This unique vibrancy is not limited to just their reputation, but also to their attractive fur coat colours that come with their outrageous sense of style.

It is known that Tertiarius Studustus are a primarily monogamic species, but it has also been noted that polygamy is not an uncommon procreation practice. Studies have shown that with the well provided facilities on the west end, the Tertiarius Studustus has proven to be sexually active all year round although infant mortality has yet to be determined and recorded through further research."

O.o

o.O

Back to work.