...and teaching an old dog new tricks.

(as a continuation from the previous post)

Till this day, i wonder what might've happened if i had been exposed to more extra non academic activities when i was a sponge brained kid (now, brain is like a tough and old coral). I was blessed to have had piano lessons and art classes, though the latter was short lived. I pursued the piano, but after a dwelling location shift, the lessons stopped altogether and besides, i wasn't too keen on picking it up again because i didn't appreciate the classical music training (why do we need to be trained based on classical music anyway?).

It might've been a mistake to cease, because who knows what else i could have picked up from the techniques even if classical music was ugly to look at on paper and too tough for my short fingers. (pessimism?)

Other times, i look at myself and think... Why do i have all these muscles for?! Why didn't i pick up/given an opportunity at (whatever sport i liked and was good at) earlier and why wasn't i given a chance to excel? I'm not trying to glorify myself here, but from an objective point of view, i WAS born with more muscles mass than most females and i did/do have a natural advantage in certain sports. Back in school, i've always been picked to sprint, to do javelin and shot put.
No prizes for guessing why. *pokes thunder thighs and bulging biceps* 8-P

And more recently, i had a bout with the archery national team, which in the end didn't fully materialize due to politics and i believe, happened only to teach me humility.

Ah well, maybe in future, i will be using these muscles to carry tons of boxes of medical aid and stuff to people in need... Erm. Ok, i really have NO idea. Aiya, it's all about the timing and God's plan for me, which i need to learn to have no quarrel with but to be obedient and humble enough to listen and obey.

There're so many things i want to try. A new sport, a new skill. But each time i voice out such a desire, i'm told: Don't be a jack of all trades and master of none. Concentrate on one area and be good in it.

Guess it's not just me who curbs my own growth, huh.

I believe that there is wisdom in that, however, i also do think that it's myopic if one were to take that as 100% true and follow it religiously.

I believe that one should be given chances to find out where the talents lie, and you cannot do that by concentrating in one area and hammering at it like your life depended on it. You need to feel around, try out the basics of an activity, see if your mind and body feels comfortable when immersed in doing something.

It's when people give themselves ample opportunity to experiment, when their horizons begin to broaden, where the mental, physical and emotional aspects of the human being is refined. You sharpen your psyche, you attune your body to deal with the rigours of various physical demands, and better still when you are able to fuse these aspects into one, as you allow interaction and application between the two.

And you wonder why some people are so well rounded, and i don't mean in physical shape.

Of course this is not limited to *learning something* per se, but you might include something like overcoming a personal struggle or fear, doing something out of your comfort zone or coming to terms with old ghosts and skeletons in the closet, etc.

I don't want to wait till the day my mind fossilizes, when my finger curls into gnarled claws, when all my money is spent on family expenses, when i come of age where there's a high chance that my eyes fail me, when my strength is close to zero, when my heart cannot take bungee jumping,... (you get the idea)

I don't want wait until i am an old, stinky, slobby dog with severe incontinence before i begin my quest to quench this thirst of curiousity. The exploratory and dare-to-do journey must begin, as i turn the knobs (and maybe pick the locks) and step through the many doors before me. I surely hope that the doors have Exit signs when i turn around to see them from the inside, in cases when and if i have to turn tail. But most of all, in my journeys, as i step into the enticing worlds that beckon to me beyond the door frames, i want to discover and be revealed THE path.

And if i do venture onto treacherous grounds, boggy sandpits, deep dark jungles where no light reaches...

:-) I know i am not alone.

Pessimism

Something worship pastor shared with us:

When you are in a tough situation, don't ask God to help you "GET OUT of it" but rather, ask God WHAT you can "get out OF IT".

Nice.

*** ***

As i look back on some of the events in my life, i've come to the conclusion that i have been greatly crippled by my pessimism.

Times when i say, "Ah, it can't be done" or, "Ah, it's not there", and other non positive and defeatist attitude kinds of statements, someone or some thing will come through, showing me that i was wrong and that it's NOT impossible. And often times, i have had to eat my words and swallow my bitter ball of pride and tell myself that next time: Pursue the matter more, you! Or you'll never succeed while others will.

Pessimism, is this mental cancer. I refuse to call it "My" mental cancer, because i refuse to make it mine, to attach it to myself for life. No. That is not what anyone should be declaring and if you've taken pessimism to an unhealthy level, i suggest that you shouldn't continue living in it, relating yourself to it as though you've resigned yourself to being controlled by it and limp in its clutches.

But it acts as a double edged sword as well. One edge that serves to protect you from taking far fetched, crazy risks that might kill you, and as said above, the other edge serves to bite you back in your posterior.

That said, but as i've witnessed for far too long already, it stunts a person's growth and not only does it stunt one, but it can also tear down a team of people. I think that the pessimism should be shrunken down - Shrunken down to a size small enough for it to be your servant, rather than something that is your master.

So get this:
Being a pessimist limits our vision, curbs our sense of self confidence in our capability to take on seemingly iffy challenges and risks, keeps us in a safe little pen that will over time become stale and barren. For all you know, there're just about a hundred things you CAN DO, but all you ever did, was stay on the safe side of the river, preferring not to venture out on new and possibly better pastures as you discover what you are good at and are able to accomplish.

I think our attitudes towards the paths ahead should take the form of:
Come on, think a little further about the "what ifs", the probability of what IF i can do it. Imagine what i could learn if i took the chance. Take a step forward on to that stepping stone. Looks slippery, i might fall, but let's give it a go. Now take one step, ah hah, and another... And another...

Maybe mommy was right to say that i should do more housework. Hey, if it helps me lose some water weight and if it makes me pensive enough to skip the self-help books at Kino, then hooo yeah, why not.

When the S.O. told me that the place had "only little kids", i broke out in cold sweat because to-me-little-children-are-garguantan-chewbaka-monsters-that-i-flee-from-and-prod-at-only-using-50feet-poles. But teaching them turned out to be not as bad as i had feared. I've taught kids before but not many, because i think that i am too stringent with them and the older archers are better with them. Still, it was much of a cheery day to see them beam when they manage to pop a balloon. The little ange...

*ahem* Very cute.

I still stand by my preference for teaching adults, but ok, i fear children less now. I beg you, oh powerful chewbaka like things, pray not to tilt the balance and break the sanctity of peace as it presently is on a precarious level of achieving equilibrium...

Ours was a tiny little booth, not more than just perhaps 11m by 3m or 4m or so, with two target boards plastered with 2 of the 122cm in diameter target faces. (which, for your information, is used for targets 70 metres away)

Wonder if i can take some photos to share. I should be going back to help on sunday again. Oh, and there's this food fare next door. Ok only if you like to sample food.

Lah dee dah. Oh and S.O. has told me that Art Friend has made their debut at Taka! WOOHOO! And i is also a friend of Art Friend now, because i has signed on as a member. Art Friend, you is my new friend, i lub you.

Oh, imagine all the things i can make for occasions with the whole vast array of materials. Yes, i shall attempt to be more original with my gifts. You lucky end year birthday babies, you.

ACK!
poof.

Coach Joline strikes again, this time at the Singapore Expo! *eviiiiil laaarfffter*

The big (erm, well, not sure how big, but bigger than our booth, that's for sure) occasion being held is the Asian Children's Festival, at Hall 6A, 11th of Nov to the 13th of Nov, till 9pm.

And we, the good people from the Archery Club of Singapore will be there to look cool with our bows and arrows, to also psycho impressionable young children as well as entice kiasu parents into believing that archery is a very very beneficial sport for their little sponge brains.

Which shouldn't be hard because archery IS a darn garang sport. So come on down man! Can come and boost your ego (think: suave and smooth Legolas) and you can be surrounded by our futures of tomorrow, happy and excitedly screaming kiddos! Oh, Life is so bright and beautiful!

The bad news: Shooting does not come free lah. We is non profitable organization, one.

Good news: Today, I will grace the booth from 4pm onwards.

*ahem* *koff*

Ok, enough shameless advertising.

Coach Joline, out.

Decided to scrape off the current post to make it more coherent. For now, toodlee doo, I'm off to school.

(a pre, pre, pre-teen Jo): "Mom, next time when we shift house, can we get a mini stove so that i can cook beside you?"
Mom: "Ok, ok."

And in my childlike ignorance, i had always thought that it would materialize, even though time and time again, i was disappointed. I can't really say that i've grown out of that stage that wished for a miniature stove. Because... I've been wanting a mini wok for the longest time and NOW, i've got one! Whee!
It makes cooking with a wok a breeze because it's lightweight and takes managebility to new heights. I love my new mini wok.

And this would be its virgin dish. Fried... Erm, i believe, they are french beans. I think.
For mom's birthday, we got to dine at Yuki Yaki, a japanese cook-your-own-dinner-on-hot-plate thingy over at Marina Square. Each table is equipped with a hotplate covered by aluminium foil, where you fry your meats and the other assorted raw food, while next to the hotplate, you'll have an in-built pot for soup if you fancy a soupy meal. I believe you have a choice of 3 soups: Tom Yum, Herbal Chicken and Fish. I made a waiter slip and fall when i covered the restaurant's floor with my drool. Everything looked soooo tantalizing (at the parents' table, picture below) :
And then what's extremely cool about this place (that sets it apart from Seoul Garden) is that once you're done with your hot meal, you can ask a waiter or waitress to clear up the aluminium foil and to cool the hot plate down... And you don't just cool it down so you don't burn yourself, but they turn it down so low that you can now make... ICE CREAM... (that is not ice cream, just so you know)
Before the plate is ready, there'll be a thin layer of ice, which means that the plate is now cold enough for you to begin making your dessert. That little creature was drawn by my god brother using the ladle meant for the ice cream. The poor dude had to wait quite a while for my sis and i to be done eating before we could all begin on the ice cream making.
So what you do is, you pick out a flavour from this assortment of "ice cream mixes" that the restaurant has stocked up in a refrigerator and then you pour it out onto the sub-zero plate. Now watch your goo turn into ice cream! No, not true. It takes some skill to make your ice cream look like ice cream. God brother made his and it turned out as ice chips (next time i show you when Blogger is not so irritating).
This was a rather interesting plant i saw outside an Italian restaurant, it has holes in the leaves but they weren't caused by caterpillars. Mom had a double dinner birthday treat this year, so it was from Japanese cuisine to Italian that we got to savour. Cantina, is the name of the Italian restaurant, tucked away in a quiet spot along with a couple more non-local food restaurants together with an odd ball cheena looking furniture place that was shut (if i don't remember wrongly) within the Greenleaf housing area (i think).
Ok, that was a dessert that we bought and shared among the 6 of us, an orange skin shell that was filled with orange sorbet ice cream. Yummmm. Since we are a strange bunch of people, we found nothing else better to do than to find ways to mutilate what was once an innocent dessert, poking holes into the skin and whatnot (this is not the only bo liao photo).

*** ***

Till next time, pictures of monkeys, i believe.

It was a huge hurricane. The diameter of it made no mistake with its message to anyone who sees it: That you're going to die.

And that's what someone told me: "We're going to get fragmantalized." But strangely, he said it with a grim smile on his face. Maybe that's because we knew that if we do die, we'll still see one another, but just in another dimension.

As a group of us lay down together, closing our eyes tightly, praying silently, we waited for death. "God, please make it a fast one." I uttered, to the agreement of the others around me. I was prepared to be flung around and shredded into a million ribbons by broken debris, for all i wanted was a death that was fast and with little suffering.

But oddly, as the hurricane howled through the building we were in, nothing happened, and we opened our eyes to find each of us all in one piece.

*

On the streets, we ran helter skelter and I held Jed tightly in my arms after finding him alone and lost a little earlier. I saw the hurricane coming and i knew i wanted to die. And yes, dumb as it sounds, i stood in its way, waiting to be buried by the huge amount of sand and debris that it was carrying. The force of it hit me and buried us, but rats, under all that, i was still alive and breathing. I hadn't died yet! I managed to clamber out from my failed sandy grave but to my horror, found that Jed was injured on one of his forelegs and was limping.

And that point, i turned to my dad who also managed to climb out from the debris and i asked him: Dad, should i let Jed go? (meaning: should i leave him because we couldn't afford to nurse him in such a crisis)

In that moment of anguish, i knew i had to let him go and i began to cry.

I opened my eyes to see my partially dark room, as daylight snuck in. And true enough, i awoke to a stuffy nose and hot tears springing from both my eyes and felt them stream liberally down my face.

*** ***

I told you i was morbid.

Anyway, i let mom in on this dream i had the night before and she brought up the article written about a prediction that someone made about Singapore and Malaysia getting hit by a tsunami too.
It doesn't do much to comfort me to know that this same person had also predicted the Thailand tsunami.

I have very mixed feelings and questions about this. Ranging from:

- How big would the tsunami be? How far in would it reach?
- How prepared is Singapore? In terms of taking the predictions seriously and in terms of infrastructure?
- Will telecommunications hold? How can we reach our loved ones after the crisis has struck?
- How much time do we have left, IF it happens?
- Can i handle seeing death strewn all over the land?
- How can i reach out to my friends in Christ's love? I cannot bear the thought of losing them.
- how prepared AM I? (mentally, emotionally and spiritually?)

I have no reason to worry about myself, because i know who and where my faith is placed in. Though I fear death in the sense that i fear what happens when i my biological heart stops:
- What does the spirit do when it no longer resides in my body? Does it like, get sucked out into some much-spoken-about dark tunnel?
- What would i be able to see? How would i feel? Would i be able to feel anything?

Apart from that, it's really the people around me that i worry for. About losing them, or seeing them suffer, held captive, tethering between the living world and the dead.

Worse, losing them for all eternity to the one of this world.

As it is even without some natural disaster, other disasters are already taking place and there is so much to be done for others. Broken families, torn relationships, even those under stress at work or at school, wounded souls and hearts, lost, angry people, people in dire straits but still trying to find something to hang on to, to survive.

But what am i doing? I am so ashamed of myself, for i am just merely sitting back, looking concerned, feeling sympathic, but not moving in prayer and offering some practical help out of love. Such insane hypocrisy on my part.

*** ***

I write this not to dishearten or to implant seeds of fear, but i write this as a reminder that there is a world out there, outside of our own little bubble of both pleasures and struggles, that implores and begs for help and healing. And we the ones who can, to some degree, give it, should, in whatever ways that we can.

In this borrowed time that we've been spending with our various chases, it is still possible to pour out compassion and to lend a hand, with no strings attached and to give freely without boundaries, from our hearts.

It is so easy to talk passionately about helping but it's such a huge challenge, even a barrier, for a hard and prideful hearted person like me to walk the talk. God, i need a heart that is softer, humble, not afraid to look stupid. A heart that is genuine, and not self seeking. A heart that bleeds for others, and not for myself.

I smile when i see some of my friends... For there is a glow about them that is indescribably beautiful. It is the kind of beauty that does not fade and age with wrinkles and does not depend an ounce on physical looks. But it's a beauty that arises from taking God, His ways and His heart, seriously. With that kind of devotion to reverence, this beauty is everlasting.

And so... I shall end this by saying something rather anticlimax lah, but i really mean it:

Kudos to those who have been and are taking active steps to love those within their reach, be it friends, family members and even strangers. The Lord knows your heart and sees your every deed.

27th of Oct 2005 (thursday)

Rah... stayed away from blogging, not totally on purpose, but because i've not had anything interesting to say and/or because i was too lazy to develop on some lingering thoughts. Ah, i don't discuss philosophy or the meaning of life here very much, for this blog is for drivel and this is drivel to the max. Lee dee dah, so sue me. :DDDDD!!!
*ahem, cough* Anyway, i've got here some photos from the day that we spent together, before the Gem had to go to a nearby foreign land.

***

And so the day begun with the Gem coming over in the morning to my place to cook up a storm with me. Ok, not. We are not exactly kitchen virgins, but neither are we Martin Yans so well, before actually deciding on what we'd be making, we just coughed out a rough list of foodstuff that we wanted to get from the supermarket. And so we made our little journey down by foot to the newly renovated Cold Storage at some destination that sounds a bit like a fusion of "Lolita" and "Jelly".

Halfway through grocery shopping, we decided to make pasta. To snip the long story short, here's the final product, the result of our combined powers of culinary prowess. *Ahem* Introducing pasta with scrambled eggs. All right, i admit you cannot go too far wrong with pasta. It's a simple concept, it's a low stress level dish PLUS, i have got to say that my Gem is easy to work with in the kitchen. Boy, am i one lucky girl. And i finally got to see how he cooks his "JFE" *wink*. Extra pasta's in the Pyrex:

(fast forward)

We skipped down to Lau Pa Sat after my keyboard lessons for dinner and gosh. I'd much rather eat the cancer causing barbequed food than the sorry Korean set meal that i bought from a frazzled and agonized looking aunty. And i couldn't help but down two helpings of the high-in-demand teh tarik. It's good stuff, can? Don't you look at me like that. How often do i get to drink the stuff anyway?! Well, ok, that's not me in the picture, obviously. ;-) I was snapping away, capturing his various facial expressions while he spoke, and was pleasantly surprised that he wasn't shy around the camera. Goooooood. That bodes well for me. *hiak hiak*

Having had our fill, (oh yes indeed. Satay and teh tarik on top of the "main dish" makes a happy belly) we took a stroll down to the "park" that is the home of our white stoned lion-fish, famously known as the Merlion. Can't say that it's the most beautiful thing i've ever seen and i reckon it might also be that i've never seen it from a tourist's point of view (then again, do tourists think it's an intriguing mythical animal? Or an ugly lump of stone.), plus, i suppose i've been surrounded by too many ugly versions of it since i was a kid (think: those deformed looking merlions as keychains), so, shocked and in awe, i was/am not.

It was drizzling already but that didn't stop us from satisfying our trigger happy photolust. So off we went to do our own thing, which is something i love about us - Sharing the same interest but also being able to give each other space to wander around enough to accomplish our own agenda when we want to. This is a shot of the blue waves that Merlion sits on:

I took a few more photos, but Blogger was like doing a marvellously prompt job about uploading my photos that i had so much fun waiting and getting "page cannot be displayed" that i thought i'd give it a rest. So, this last one's of the bridge, connecting the "park" to the Esplanade.:

Our day didn't quite end there since we wanted to spend as much time together before he leaves for the foreign land, but we took too many gory, mind-messing photos that it would be cruel of me to subject you to such mental trauma. Hence the lack of end-of-the-day photos. Ok, so i DO have one decent one... but since it has my face in it, that alone counters all molecules, atoms and electrons of decency and therefore, it shall be kept in the recesses of Adele's (my lappie) memory for private viewing only.

Apparently, i had two free tickets to watch the movie premiere of "Domino", some action show featuring bounty hunters. If you ask me, it looks really cheesy, but whatever. My sister won them from an online competition and passed them to me to use: "Ah, ask (him) to go with you."

(I wanted to ask but i knew you were going to be busy.) So, my dad and i were set to go, but to cut the long story short, we didn't eventually. Sayoonara free tickets~!

But that got me thinking. Now, when was the last time my dad and i went out together? Perhaps it was that Sim Lim Square trip to get a laptop adaptor. But i think that that's essentially different from going for a movie with dad. If we had gone, I wonder if people looking at us might think that he's my sugar daddy, and me, the kept woman. *Cringe*

(I've been mistaken for his wife before. *ROAR!* Hmmmm... So, i guess that means that i wasn't dressed up flashily enough to be said kept woman. hur hur, *snort*)

Anyhow, that just brought to mind how as a little girl, dad would hold my hand in his chunky ones after church service on a sunday morning as we walk toward the coffeeshop that we always patronize for brunch.
And along the way, i'd be running a song through my head and i'd let my fingers play an imaginary piano, by pressing onto dad's palm.

Little girls holding on to daddy's hands is socially acceptable, but not when the little girl has grown up.
But i AM still daddy's little girl! Just taller, looking slightly different, with pimple scars and no longer carrying assorted cutesy stationary and colouring books in a cutesy little bag.

Talking about nostalgic thoughts of the past regarding the parentals, i feel like crying as i listen to "Fly Away" by Corrinne May. It's about how her mother felt (about her daughter leaving the family and country to achieve her dreams) : Loving too much to not let her go but still hurting inside to know that her daughter will be so far away. And so as the years go by, one night she gets a call from home regarding her mother. And when she returned, well, she didn't say exactly what happened, but i guess you can assume that her mother had either left the worldly existence/was very very ill.

It's so ironic how beauty can be derived from looking tenderly at something sad.

*tear drop*

The waves of war are over and done with, and i thank GOD for bringing me through it without losing my mind (i kid you not on this). To all my friends and my significant other who've kept me in prayer... A big,

"Thank You!"

I've been really blessed with all the well wishes and kind support coming in from everyone and even from my archery club president! *takes a bow* It is simply by being remembered and all that makes one feel soooo loved. :-)

*** ***

I remember making a list of things to do after my exams, and yeah, i plan to carry them out. There're just about a gazillion things i wish to take head on. But for now, i am content to stay around at home to recuperate from all the late nights and mental activity over the year and for the last few weeks.

Been wanting to go sweat it out at the gym and go arching too, but as life likes to poke fun at me, i have just come down with a flu. Gah, i SO love awaking to the wonderful, uplifting feeling of a sorethroat and a stuffed up nostril. Woohoo!

But never me mind, it shall soon pass, and i'll be as good as new. La dee da.

Anyway, these are my current additions to the list:

- Go to Ikea with misS_D
- Spend time with my Gem

Hm, i had a lot more leh, what happened?

Cannot remember... *scratch*

- Dye hair and do something else to it, maybe.
- Oh yes! Catch up with old mates. I know i promised you gals/guys all the time to go yak!
- Clear room
- go for the tree top trail at MacRitchie

*** ***

This blog entry is really about nothing much... I know i've got some things on my mind, but i am too lazy to develop any coherent thoughts on them. Probably explains in part why i am such an intellectually unstimulated bimbo with nothing smart to say sometimes. Er, most of the time.


In addition to that yummy layer of cheese, there's egg-mayo filling inside the potato too! I am so brilliant. *smug*

Eh hm.

All right, ok, not quite. I just need to psycho myself up for the next few days when Mom won't be around. That makes me Maria 101, since the sister will be busy and there's no way on Earth i can run away from house chores now.

As promised, i shall go to bed early. I am determined to reset this upset biological clock.

Singapore's Own Breed of Nocturnal Creatures

Why can't i get money (ok, not that i am working but i still want money because i am a non-working, pathetically dependent student) the same way my face makes pimples?!
Fast to come, in huge amounts and they are biiiigggg. Freaking Pimple Farm. *mumble*

Some time ago, my Gem and i were having a MSN conversation on whether the Night Safari had accomodation for us... (because we were often up late trying to complete school work)

So, this is my imaginary Night Safari summary of... the Tertiarius Studustus, in English meaning, Tertiary Students: (*requires insider local knowledge)

"And look to your left hand side! You will now be able to see the Tertiatrius Studustus enclosure, housing the creatures also known as Tertiary Students, one of Singapore's most important form of economic dependency and one of the first native nocturnal animals. They are mostly concentrated on the west end of our urban country, their most distinctive and lauded physical feature being the perfectly shaped dark rings around their eyes.

Other variations of the species include the ones that migrated away from the west into the central part of Singapore, perhaps seeking to be different, and thus also creating for themselves a highly advanced and spacious town habitat.

The other species variations, more inclined towards the fine arts, reside in both the central and east end of the island, living a somewhat less but no doubt seasonal exhibitionist lifestyle. But do not be fooled by this as they have shown to have acquired a vibrant name for themselves over the years. This unique vibrancy is not limited to just their reputation, but also to their attractive fur coat colours that come with their outrageous sense of style.

It is known that Tertiarius Studustus are a primarily monogamic species, but it has also been noted that polygamy is not an uncommon procreation practice. Studies have shown that with the well provided facilities on the west end, the Tertiarius Studustus has proven to be sexually active all year round although infant mortality has yet to be determined and recorded through further research."

O.o

o.O

Back to work.

To some small degree, and i can only vouch for that much because my faith is so small, i am beginning to understand just a little of what it means that when they say: "When you're walking on a tough and bumpy stretch of road, God is nothing but far away from you, but is in fact, walking closely right beside you."
Or as the story of the "Footprints" goes - There is only one set of footprints in the sand because those do not belong to me... But they are the Lord's : for it is He who carried me through the hard times.

It is in these troubling moments of uncertainty when instead of asking God: Where are you?
I tell Him: God, i trust you. I commit to you, all of me.

Uhm, i concede that that doesn't always happen, really. Like when the Academic War was approaching and the heat was being turned up higher, i was so shaken and maniacally panicky, it took my cell group and my Gem to keep me focused on the words of truth.

Therefore as i've said, my faith is so small that when a bigger crisis strikes, i am sure going to need a lot more faith and extra extra chilli tobasco sauce external support from others to help me be reminded to keep The Cross before my eyes. (not keep my eyes crossed)

I don't say this to glorify myself, but it is to share this little snippet: That i've seen that He is really worthy, really really worthy to be trusted with every aspect of my life.

There's no doubt that i've placed God in a box and yelled constantly at Him before. But time and time again, He has always faithfully seen me through my dark valleys.

So, in those periods when you feel that everything is spinning wildly out of control, just think... He is there, right next to you, to just give you the strength to carry on and also, His loving hand to hold on to for comfort.

Why turn a loving Father away when all He wants to do, is to love you?

For some reason, and probably in my tired stupor after a long long saturday, i thought of something quite lame...

There's this Christian song that goes like:

"God will make a way,
When there seems to be no way,
He works in ways we cannot see,
He will make a way for me..."

Now, substitute "Way" for "Wei" (but of course, "Wei" refers to my Gem. *grin*)

*God will make a "Wei",
When there seems to be no "Wei",
He works in "Wei"s, we cannot see,
He will make a "Wei" for me.*

Hur hur hur.

*KkOoooNG!*

Wa lao! Who threw the biscuit tin at me! *ouch* Good joke wad! >8-< Aye, very apt one ok?

I think i did go into some detail before as to why it is so apt. But anyway. All i will say is that, whenever i reflect back over the years, i STILL marvel and smile inwardly over how our lives have been shaped and led.

Heh, i bet you've already tired of hearing me say this over and over again. But taking the time to soak in the details keeps me thankful and mindful always. To be constantly reminded not only just *what* i have, but also really, of the *beauty* of what i have and how it came around, makes me treasure us and not take it all for granted.

And i daresay that so far although having had experienced people coming (and going, sometimes) into my life, who've no doubt made it a great learning journey along the way (a Thank You to all of you, if you're reading this), i've never felt this way about someone and about a relationship before. Because of that very fact, i've come to learn and assimilate countless life changing lessons and have done things that I've never done before.

It's been pretty amazing.

But with all things said, I should not forget the One who gave all things, the One whose will and ways I should put first and foremost in my life though thick and thin, the One who bought and brought me True Life in this worldly existence: Jesus, God himself.

*** ***

Tomorrow, i embark on the first wave of War.

I couldn't really mug properly without getting this out of my system first. So, here's my broken heart again... Poured out with reckless abandon into cyberspace. Such a strange place to do so, come to think of it.

*** ***

Yes, i know what i said and i aim to keep it that way. Peaceful, positive, face looking ahead and wholesome. But it still comes back to haunt me.

I tell the thought to stop there, shut up and go away. But then i realize that cutting it off doesn't work. And so I pause during my precious study time just so that i can spend some crucial minutes to logically rationalize about why i should let it go and why it shouldn't bother me anymore.

Mentally, i go through everything, thought by thought, and along the way, fixing and remedying the negative emotions that come when i hit a sensitive spot in the process. God had heard my desperate cries for help to deal with the pain, to see clearly, to avoid making things harder than it already was.

He was faithful from the very start when He allowed me to overcome the initial brutal gashes. That alone was pretty amazing, for it was through the worst of the worst things that i had to deal with, that i learnt how it is like to truly and fully, forgive.
I would never have been able to do that by myself - Knowing the kind of person that I am: Bitter, resentful and prideful. And dramatic.

All along while dealing with past pains, i thought that by shoving them to the back of my mind after consciously numbing the pain out, i thought that forgiveness had taken place. But how mistaken i was, because i know that deep down, it still lurked and when the time was ripe to wreak havoc, these issues would rear its ugly head and tear me into a million pieces, into a million hating beings.

I will come to terms with those things, soon, because of what the Lord has shown me.

Despite having gone through the most difficult, steep part, here comes the long roadtrip. The time period where i need to receive healing. I need this time to mend, to find reconciliation, to learn how to trust.
And it's not as if i was a very trusting person to begin with. I never ever trusted much and now i'm going to have to start again from something like, lower than zilch.

To reclaim wholeness, I need this time for the healing process to reach completion. The wounds that were inflicted are still there, open, deep, raw and sensitive to the touch.

I need to be reassured, reaffirmed, loved. To know that i am held safe in loving arms that will not let me fall. I need a place to feel safe to cry in, in all my vulnerability. I need to be kept in the truth.

I despise myself for being so weak but i'd rather be weak than to fall back once more into the deep, dark, lonely pit of anger and hatred.
I would rather be weak now and be whole later than to continue to deludedly think that i can stand tall, strong, resilient and untouchable by drawing on that disturbing pool of fuel... Fuel made from cumulated loathing and bitterness.

That is but only a false sense of security in myself, and even so, how can one continue thriving on something so unwholesome? It's a pathetic way to sustain my emotional strength.

So begone you old ways, and Lord, pour in Thy new spirit i pray.

Earthquake of 7.6 on the Richter Scale has just hit Pakistan over the weekend, i think?

Natural Disaster upon natural disaster. Crises upon crises. Strange person(s) rising up, claiming to come in YOUR divine name.
Wave after wave of problems engulf the world today.

They don't seem to be ceasing and they are occuring so close to one another.

Lord oh Lord, are these signs of the end times? Or is this just a period of concentrated crises for a short term bigger purpose?
I take this as an indication to be more serious about the ones around us whom we love, but do not know you. We cannot afford to slack around anymore.

Archery Kaki: "Aye, your bow got grow mould already anot?"

Me: "No, no, don't have, i checked already. But got dust on the case..."

*** ***

Jia jia lat lat man... I haven't shot an arrow in months and i have actually fogotten how it's like to feel the arrow clear the arrows rest, leave the bow, see it fly and watch it land with a "thunk" on the target board.

Went back to the clubhouse today for a final committee meeting before we make a move over to the Jurong premises. Bye bye Paya Lebar, and Hello Jurong! Yeah! Nearer to my home too. *grin*

Looks like it's going to be one busy holiday break after my exams, what with all the archery kakis arrowing (oops) me to do what i should be doing as an "active member". Yeah, and at the same time, it's about time i get out there and get a proper archer's tan too. ("You're a half baked archer lah..." Dad said. Gee wow, thanks. *pout*)

"There's a time for everything ok? Now is the exam period..."
"But before exams, what were you doing? Sleeping most of the time..."

(I was seen as sleeping most of the time during the day because i was actually awake during the night, doing school work. Sheesh...)

"No, but what matters is that the love for the sport is still there.."
"But you can love a sport from your bed!"
"No... What matters is that the love is still there. The bow is not a waste as long as i still love the sport, because once the exams are over, i'll be back at it."
"True..."

I tell you, he should NEVER try to win an argument over such things. Asking for trouble only. >:-I

I came home and decided to set up my bow, have a good look at it and to try to draw it as well. The draw weight was last adjusted to about 35-39 pounds and i am sad to say that i looked constipated while doing so and my bow arm was shaking before long.

I foresee a tough time ahead getting back into form - Back to my training regime both on the range and at the gym. But what can i say? That's my idea of Bliss.

Well, something else was equally Blissful, but dum dee dum. Hm, hm, hm.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

How things have changed. (warning: Long and may cause diabetes or foaming at the mouth)

I cannot believe that it's the end of the year again. Back in primary school, i used to think that the years passed by at such a pathetically slow pace. It was a pain to live out a year, and i would dread having to live through the next one when January hits. But now, it's a different case altogether. Amazing.

If you scroll down, you'll see that i've placed the Archives back. I guess some people still read them. For what, i have no idea. Hur hur. (Am kidding only, don't angry k?)

This was written on the 8th of Dec, 2004. When i was very much an individualistic fella (edited slightly to be more coherent):

"I was looking through my bank of digital photos and while glancing through, i was struck by a sad thought when i came across two photos.

(edited: the photos are NOT photos taken during my birthday, ok?)

I don’t know about you, but i guess to many, 21st birthdays are more significant than the others that came before.
Celebration of the arrival of official “adulthood”.

Gone, *poof!*, are the days of "legitimate teen abhorrence" of your parents and of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE else. Except that you may now fume at the Government more strongly than ever as, i guess, you can concentrate your resources where it counts. (eh?)

No, no, IGNORE ME. I am not speaking from a personal point of view.

Anyway, 21st birthdays sometimes warrant big parties, to medium-sized parties, to a small gathering or small gatherings, to a family affair, to... just a specialized area in the brain for anticipation and expectation, for memories if you are lucky, on that special day.

(I haven't decided on what i am going to do on my 21st birsthday this coming December. Though honestly, i don't actually really see it as a big and exciting thing.)

Isn’t it bittersweet when you celebrate your exclusive 21st birthday with a boyfriend/girlfriend, that you only break up with later on?

Sad, i say. *shakes head forlornly*

Looking through photos of the birthday would hotly arouse other memories you might otherwise not want to remember. First you see his/her arm around you, as the both of you stand behind your birthday cake, both smiling for a perfect picture... And then as you look through the album, you might stumble upon other candid pictures of yourself with him/her and maybe some other more personal photos.

Sad, i say."

Back then when i wrote this, i was hoping that i would still be a swinging, singing single (sounds like monkey liddat) when i hit 21. I had in mind, and planned to be surrounded by just friends and family without having anyone special to share that day with me. I didn't want to have any baggages when it comes to memories and emotions if that relationship ends after an occasion like that.

Flashbulb memories are memories that tend to be lasting and vividly clear because of the emotional ties that are attached to those memories. Think of the September 11th attacks and the Vietnam War, and how it must be for those people who went through all that. Ok, a bit large scale i know, but you get my drift, correct?

So you see, i wanted to save myself from pain. Because i decided that i had experienced enough of that crap stuff for the time being. The approximately 1 and a half to 2 years worth of a backlash for a 9 month relationship was a bit... Extravagent. Hur, hur.

Yeah, yeah. Call me emotional, sensitive and touchy. I am like that lar, very loyal to the end one, ok?

But it looks like my future (or the current present) had a strange way of pulling out strings from my past and weaving them together in a thoroughly insane way that i would never have expected it to. Twisting and turning and... Er... I would've said "to poke me back in my butt" but that would mean that being attached now is a bad thing.

I am just coming to that.

I thought i could control my future, i thought i had absolute power over that. Power over what i wanted and what i didn't. Though i did acknowledge at some point that if things did change, i honestly wouldn't know what i might do.

As present circumstances would have it, i have found (or he found me?) someone who understands me, in all (ok, most) of my weird and eccentric ways, my irrational emotions, who doesn't return my rubbishy crappy attitude the same way i dish it out at him, he who somehow blows my mind when it comes to unearthly patience and tolerance, how he is able to verbalize how i feel inside when i myself can't seem to express them, how he travels from one end of the country to the other just to er, visit me, and a ton of other things that i have yet to discover or i already know, just that i hesitate to tell you for fear of boring the living daylights out of you.
Or maybe make you foam at the mouth.

(but for you, i will sing, ok, i cannot sing chant your praises if you want to know how special you are to me)

Now tell me, how can i possibly be unhappy about being with such a gem? If i could just fabricate a little scene and hope that it is not blasphemous, (God forgive me if it is so) i think i'd imagine a scene where God is working in his Laboratory of Creation:

"And now... for one of my favourite parts in Creating Stuff... *and he walks over to the corner of his Lab, and bends over a very humble looking but somehow-beautiful-in-its-simplicity chest labelled "The Better Ones" "The Gems" and gently flips it open to pick out a tiny glowing green stone-like thing*

Smiling, God drops the last one into the current concoction, "Babies for Year 1983", and waits for the green stone to dissolve before pouring the mixture over a model of Planet Earth.

"Your lives I held in my hand, and I loved you before your Earthly existence. I will love you for all time, and will always be here for you in all the seasons of your life. May i see you and meet with you again when you have lived out the life i have given you. I'm sure you'll have many questions to ask me when the time comes. =) "

***

Ok, maybe i went too far with the "The Better Ones". I am kidding lah because i was reminded of this comic i saw. It was a Gary Larson comic (morbid-dark humour), which i thought was rather cheeky. It was a picture of God shaking a salt shake container labelled "Jerks" over a model of Earth and saying:
"Now, to make things more interesting..."
(or something to that effect)

Anyway, everyone's a Gem in their own ways. We were all created differently but also similarly in some ways. ;-)
But of course as you already know and can obviously see, i am being totally and unapologetically biased. La dee da.

Am i making you foam over your keyboards now? Wait i am not done yet!

And so yes... I "broke my own stay-single-at-21 rule" and i am not regretting it. How can i regret it when...

(Wa lao eh! Joline! Stop it already lah! So mushy, *choke* i want to die already...! *cough* *gag*)

Ok Folks, i hear you.

Back to mugging.

*Thanks mom for letting me enjoy my birthday during the holiday season. How perfect.*

I now pronounce you... 2 years of age, "The Vacuum"! To more years of collecting my cerebral rubbish.

(Too lazy to get a more dignified looking vacuum, you know, the age old "Rainbow" brand one we've got that has withstood the years. It is just a few years behind me, perhaps about 14-15 years old, i think?)

Do you think it has become way too cluttered? The "Comrades" portion was done in a bid to give my friends more character here than just being Names-on-the-Blog.

And i was just wondering if anyone knows how to create those Click-Me-And-I'll-List-Out-the-whole-bunch-of-Contents thing. It would be gorgeous if i knew how to do that, though I reckon that if i put ALL that into a scroll... I might blind and confuse myself too.

Wow, now, when was the last time that i actually managed to stay away from blogging for a week?

Going through those 23 comments from the previous post (and counting, if anyone else leaves me anything) really makes me smile.
A Thank You to everyone who contributed to making that special day memorable... with your comments, MSN chit chats and calls... (it's quite funny, come to think of it)
*chuckle* You know who you are. ;-)

And of course, to you.

*** ***

I WIN.
The Technoidiot has done it again. I have conquered HTML.

H.A.H!

Er. I mean... Erm, ok... Well...
It's been a long while since i said that i wanted to switch to Blogger Comments, which is a lot more reliable, i think. But since i had no idea which were the the Haloscan HTMLs to delete, i had put this on hold, and for way too long.

Ah well, i've finally figured out what to do (and during the meddling, i was terrified of accidentally deleting the WHOLE HTML TEMPLATE. Hence I made sure that i kept copying and saving it onto Word) and hieh hieh, i am happy to say that i have my template saved up in Word and i shall be switching soon.

Being a Sentimental (and sometimes for the dumbest things), I feel sad that all the comments that you, my friends, have all left for me will disappear from sight. :-( But i guess it will be an improvement, looking at the bigger picture.

Change is constant and this change will, i believe, serve you and me better. Yay!

Alamak, machiam like such a big issue liddat... Arhh. I am a Sentimental ok?