Part 1 of Home Cookout: Strawberry Cheesecake

Was on a quest to reattempt to make my strawberry cheesecake for V to try. Also doubled up as dessert for Jun who was coming over for dinner.

Creaming the cheese manually with the sugar and gelatine mixture.
Poured the mixture over my biscuit base which i had prepared earlier and placed in the fridge.

There we go! Into the fridge to set for a while before i lay out the strawberries.

Ok, this dude is my proof that i used organic strawberries. I was washing the strawberries that i had bought about 2 days ago, when i turned a berry over to find this little dude still and not moving with all his legs hidden somewhere. I turned my attention away for a bit and when i returned to my berries, i was surprised to find that s/he was crawling fine and dandy about! So there. No pesticides, fresh organic strawberries with a ladybug thrown in. Took the liberty to snap pictures of the lovely little harmless creature.

After the cheese had set, i placed my strawberries in rows and then poured my jelly mixture over the whole thing. Jelly mixture is the pink liquid you see... Raspberry flavoured.

The finished product after setting in the fridge for a few hours to ensure it was ready! The pink is actually a deeper shade. The colour here looks a bit washed out.

Here you go! :oD

Stay tuned for part 2...

I need a break from life. Not that i want to temporarily cease to exist. I just want a life without having to go through the mandatory aspects of surviving in this world. Know what i mean.

wish i could clone him

he stuffed his own face between the pillows and it was just TOO cute! :oD

just one of the many times...

I have one of the nicest human beings in the world as my significant other. He is SO NICE to the point that it is almost inhuman.

Today, i was at Challenger and called him asking for his opinion about the prices of external hard drives and which brands were reliable. Instead of just letting me buy the stuff off the rack there and then, he offered to go down to the now ongoing PC Show at city hall where he knew there would be better deals. Like, he WANTED to make the effort to squeeze with the rest of geeky Singapore just to get me my stuff.

Not only did he help me purchase them on my behalf, he took the trouble to travel back to the west so that he could pass the stuff to me when he could have simply gone home (east side) first. And when he arrived back to the west, he waited an hour for me to be done with cell group. And it was already late, like 10+pm. O.o

Since i wasn't feeling too good (stupid driving simulator practice i had made me dizzy and queasy), he saw me all the way home (west) even when it meant that he couldn't take the train home (too late), which would've been much more convenient for him. Some guys would've just cared more about his own convenience and let the girlfriend go home on her own.

I did stop along the way to pick up some yoghurt though, and because i was having a hard time moving around quickly (so as not to further upset my dizzy head and throw up) and deciding (mental processes had slowed down to a crawl), he very willingly carried my bag and purchases for me, waited alongside me as i took AGES to decide on what to get. Not a single squeak or complaint from him to me to hurry up. Genuinely cheerful, supportive and caring for my needs as always.

I was already so thankful but when i reached home, he slipped a big packet of cookies into my plastic bag of electronics. :-)

God really put a HUGE, soft heart in this guy, it's unbelievable.

When a person has never gone through a certain lesson in life or have really felt how others felt in true empathy, they can only have an ideal idea of how things and people should be like.

As much as my heart does not wish to judge others, events of late has taught me never to assume and draw a boundary around the capabilities of a person based on who we know them to be personality-wise or what we think they are capable of doing.

You can never know a person in their entirety and humans are complex creatures.

So, i would appreciate it if you would pause for a moment to consider the weight of your words before telling me or others not to judge because you do not know what i or others have gone through. I have emphasized it to you and hopefully you have listened and heard the pain in my voice.

It hurt me to think that you think i judge others, but my aim has never been to judge people (my career choice forbids me to fyi). I may tell you in time to come what happened, and so you will understand.

Just know that while ideals are great if you can upkeep them, also remember that life is never ideal. I have tasted that in my own life. As i have already stated clearly to you, I simply have learnt not to be naive anymore regarding certain things and people. That is not tantamount to judging, i am simply just more aware.

A testimony for the sceptic, who is me.

We were outside one of the practice rooms waiting for a group of people to come out, when cheryl, my band's bass guitarist, shared with me and others around her that she woke up this morning with her hands red, swollen and painful and she had no idea why. And boy, were they really red, and swollen. In my mind, i was thinking: "should we pray...? sigh, don't want..." (my lazy, faithless human mind)

But my worship leader said, "come, lets pray for cheryl..." so we gathered around her and a few of us led outloud in prayer of healing for her hands. When 2-3 people were done praying, we looked at her hands again and saw that the redness had lessened but it was still swollen and painful. Usually, i remain quiet unless i feel that i have something to say but during a silent moment, Tomlin said, "I just feel that, joline, you should pray for cheryl. I asked God who else should and i saw your face... Just hold on to cheryl's whole finger."

I was of course stunned (more on that later, because i have some background info) but so i started out. I firstly declared that we have the holy spirit in us, and that allows us to do what Jesus could do in the past and therefore we have every ability of the holy spirit. I said to God, since you said you wanted to use me to bring healing to others, then this is what i'm asking for. With that, i just asked for healing for her hand and commanded the swelling and pain to leave. When we checked, the redness had gone down a little more but it was still swollen and painful.

By that time, it was time to enter the room for our pre-service prayer and so we decided to just trust God for the healing to come in time.

As usual, we started our time just singing and worshipping God... And for some reason, the prayer time we had was so intense. People were receiving words of affirmation of love and also God was telling us how He wants us to trust Him and His ways and to move along with His plans.

While worshipping, i suddenly had this strong urge to go over to cheryl on the other side of the room to pray again for her hands. At first i was like, "Nah... are you sure this is me just wanting to be altruistic or is this really God inspired?"

But then, my pastor had a vision of a mighty rushing river, but there were people standing by the side afraid to jump in. She felt God saying that the river was his holy spirit, and was saying to us to not be afraid to jump in because although it looks scary, he will never allow us to be hurt or killed but instead would lead us with His power.

At first i thought that did not make much sense to me but as i reflected on it, it DAWNED on me that: HEY. THIS IS EXACTLY what i am going through... (more on that later, as i said! :oD)

We started to sing the bridge of the song "Healer" and i was again stunned because we weren't spending the time praying for healing but rather we were just listening to God.

With the urge so strong to go over to Cheryl and with the final push/cue as they sang "Healer", i went over with both faith and fear in my heart. It occured to me that perhaps God was going to allow THIS time instead to show us His healing power. This was the moment.

To my surprise, two of my other friends also started to approach cheryl to pray for her. I was like, "oh. my. word". It was like, we were all prompted at the same time!

(i checked with Tomlin and he said that at that moment, he "sensed that something was coming". Cool huh?)

I decided to choose confidence over disbelief, and knelt in front of cheryl, held both her hands and started to pray with two of my friends as the rest sang and worshipped in their own way.

As the time came to a close when the music died down, i opened my eyes and cheryl and i smiled at one another... And she opened her hands and... There was NO MORE REDNESS, NO MORE SWELLING, AND BEST, NO MORE PAIN.

Those around us who saw us in a huddle asked if her hand still hurt and she said "There's no more pain!"

I myself could not believe it even when she showed me her hands and exclaimed, "See! Back to skinny fingers! You can see the bone!"

Ok, my faithless doubting mind always doesn't run far from me, i had to keep looking at her hand to see the difference... It was indeed back to normal. Earlier on, it was seriously red and swollen but now, the difference was STARK. Haha, i told her we should've taken a before and after photo...

I still have to say that God has to throw a brick at me at times. I am a very careful charismatic (the denomination) christian and i question and doubt a lot. Even with a miracle occurring before my very eyes, i could still ask myself whether it was really true and maybe there is a scientific reason for it, or maybe it was my friend's prayer (which is such a ridiculous thought because it is God's power and not who prayed that makes the difference) or whatever.

It's not that we can demand things out from God the Genie as and when we want to. Whatever happens or does not happen is God's choosing. Even if nothing visible happens, that is not the point. What matters is that i'm relying on a living God with whom i have a relationship with, prayer changes things in the invisible spiritual realm and I am simply choosing to step out in faith (and some inevitable fear of course) and exercising the bible's truth.

I know that what i saw and experienced was true and real. Nothing can take away the fact that it happened and that God partnered with me and my friends to pray and see the healing happen to bless my friend.

This incident has bolstered my faith and my resolve to continue in my walk with God despite the things happening around me. I am tired of being a quiet status quo christian. I am tired of being sceptical and jaded. I want to bring God's kingdom onto the streets. Yes, i am an imperfect, weak and flawed human being prone to going back to my old ways, but my Father God is neither of that. And that gives me all the reason to trust and move forward and bring destruction to barriers and obstacles, seen and unseen.

***

Background info will share in the next post or so.

Remind me to tell you about what happened on saturday. It involves praying for someone and...

at the dog run on a sunday evening

That's Jed at the dog run looking wistfully at a piece of dog food that my sister is holding in her hand. I taught him to do this trick where he rests his little snout and paw on the lap of the food giver. Kinda of a useless trick but i thought he looked so cute so i figured it's be nice to have him do it on command. :-D

This beagle came by and started to dig at my sister's pocket because there was a plastic bag of dog food in there... Beagles are hunting dogs and have a very powerful sense of smell. As you can see, my sister is trying to protect the food. :-D Earlier on, Jed had lost a piece of dog treat in the ground between my feet and since he couldn't dig it up to eat it, he left it there. It didn't take the Beagle much time to run over from dunno where to my sister to dig for food from her pocket and to also pick up the scent of the tiny hidden piece of food in the ground left by Jed. It tried to dig for the piece but i think it failed since it was caught somewhere deep in the grass. I'm amazed by its little nose!

absolute pain, absolute love, faith, grace and beauty

I tried to shower as fast as i could so that i could catch them awake before they slept. When i reached their room, it was pitch dark and i figured they had already dozed off. I poked around for my mum still so that i could just squeeze in next to her on the bed. I just felt like i needed the comfort so badly like a child all over again. I was thinking of giving up when i felt a hand firmly hold mine and pulling towards the other end of the bed.

So i slipped onto the bed next to my mum thinking that we'd just sleep in silence, but no. As she held my hand in hers, I heard her whispering something and i responded with a "huh?", but it dawned on me that she was praying. A few moments later, she pulled my right hand onto her chest and nestled it in my dad's left hand that she also pulled onto her chest, using her own to hold us together and I heard her praying more distinctly again for our family.

I started to cry and big, full tears rolled down my cheeks and landed on her pillow next to my ears and i could hear them going "thud" each time.

At intervals, she would carress my face and hair and pull my head close to her shoulder, and deliver a kiss on my head. Her shirt became soaked with my tears soon enough. In those moments, i really realized what a strong person my mum can be and more so, how she is a darn solid trooper, soldier, and a beautiful woman of God.

the little piglets are sleeping by the way...

I laughed and laughed at this video... a bit mean lah, but i'm like, animals are so cute.

as u can tell, i am on a hiatus which was unintentional... i was just busy with driving and getting my practicum paper work settled.

but something very drastic has happened and i am not at liberty to talk about it.

all i know is that i need time to heal from the pain, hurt, anger, hatred, disappointment, and i don't know how i am going to do my practicum without being sullen if i am not talking to anyone.

God is real and the only one i can depend on. The human race is indeed an evil race when it wants to be.

SEMESTER STATUS: DONE! FINALE! SUDAH! NO MOREEEEE!!!! WHEEEEE!!!!

Now, for:

1. Driving (about time)
2. Read my textbooks (seriously)
3. Buy lots of kinder bueno (pleasures that i can afford)
4. Go window shopping... (sigh, no money to spend liberally, but seeing pretty things is nice after being cooped up at home for too long)
5. Exercise at NTU alumni club (free!)
6. Clear my room (need the space and fresh air)
7. Get my practicum site pinned (In Progress)
8. Make that cheesecake thingy with that recipe i got from a family friend (she wants to know the outcome and i want to eat the outcome!)
9. Dissertation Prep and Supervisor Hunt

Although ths sem is over, i have next sem to think about. Apparently, my holidays still require me to hunt and pin down my practicum site for next sem, think of a dissertation topic, read my textbooks for practicum. Yeah, school is not far away from my mind.

This hols will be busy!

I am also contemplating whether i should go back to shooting on sundays at the range... Just thinking about it makes my heart beat faster and my head go a bit dizzy with excitement.

To put a cup filled with soybean milk to my lips and taking a deep, satisfying gulp, is a pure blessing of providence.

I count it nothing less than a privilege.

When we are surrounded by abundance, it seems like it's normal to be having the things that we have. Even assuming that it is our human right to have the things we want. Sometimes, we even demand more.

But how many people in other parts of the world, in slums, in poor districts, can afford to demand that? Their basic human right of dignity is sometimes even forfeited and denied. Let alone having basic necessities like food, clothes, clean water... Or soybean milk for that matter.

I'm blessed, and my heart aches with gratitude.

random thoughts while i work 2

I love (almost) all things to do with psychology. The theories, the techniques, the way it deals with thought and behaviour. But, i don't want to be a cold therapist in the cold office.

I want to be able to move around and reach people through counselling and talks, with a heart of love, warmth, free of descrimination and of self seeking and self loving thoughts, but also with the determination to set some things right in this crazy world.

Yeah, it sounds like a romantic idea doesn't it? But i think that when God is to be brought to His people through His people, He WILL. make. THE. way.

So i should be a counselling psychologist?

But a year ago, i missed the application for the masters in applied psych program (that has the counselling psych track) but i couldn't afford to wait for the next intake, so i applied for my counselling course instead. I half regret this, but i also am thankful for where i am today.

Since i am a psych graduate, and a counselling postgrad-to-be, can i then be a counselling psychologist?

Hm.

Random thoughts while i work 1

To do after semester:

1. Driving
2. Read my textbooks (seriously)
3. Buy lots of kinder bueno
4. Go window shopping... (sigh, no money to spend liberally)
5. Exercise at NTU alumni club
6. Clear my room
7. Get my practicum site pinned

***

Dad: Woah?! He's (Jed) already 6 years old?!

Jo: Yeap.

Dad: That's near the age that Prints (previous dog) died, at 7.

Jo: Yeap. But he (Jed) still behaves like kuku right (like a 2 year old kid).

Dad: (laughs) Yeah.

***

Before you ever tell someone the truths of the matter, or give them advice, or attempt to change their mindsets, or scold or disciple. ALWAYS, ALWAYS EMPATHIZE, FIRST.

Although you feel the urge to blast the person, or if you are just about to tell them life lessons learnt from your own experience, STOP RIGHT THERE. Take the time to let them talk, listen to the meanings behind those words, be genuinely interested, be present with the person emotionally and psychologically.

Sometimes we are so quick to tell others what they should do, or we want to let OURSELVES be heard that we forget that we are having a dialogue, and not a monologue.

When someone shares a difficulty, allow the person to experience the emotions because they need to work through it. They need to FEEL the emotions, but i of course think that it should not prolong for more than necessary. By cutting them short by giving advice and giving truths even with love, is not allowing a person to be heard and understood. If you don't allow them to feel, the message that they would receive is that their emotions are wrong, should not be felt, should be suppressed. And when you attempt to push ideas to them without them having felt listened to, they will not be receptive, chances are, they may be MORE defensive, if lets say they are not able to control their feelings.

Every person has a right to feeling what they feel, whether the emotions are "right or wrong". By saying that they have a right to feeling is not saying that they are allowed to act in a negative manner (eg. beating up someone), but it is saying that we are feeling creatures and by telling us not to feel is like telling us to shut up and/or to stop breathing.

We all need to learn the art of listening, and listening with patience and empathy.

***

I am so glad this week is relatively quiet and i am not serving for saturday. I have a 20-25 page essay to finish by monday. I have to write an average of 3-4 pages per day starting from tomorrow. Arghhhh. But thank you GOD! It's required to be double spaced, and the 20-25 page thingy includes references (which is kinda rare in academic writing).

While waiting for my god brother's water baptism to start, i decided to take parts of my lovely monster yamaha keyboard since i brought the camera with me on stage.

Sigh, i still couldn't get a proper video of him being baptised in the pool though.

Methinks this is a good stock photo to mess around with. :oD

Anyways, i am WAYYYYYYYY PROUD of my god brother. Getting baptised and all. And he's always saying this: "I want to seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness." He's thinking of serving in the music ministry soon too. :-D



***

Check out this "baby". It's as big as my palm!



But WAIT! There's a contender on the right! As you can see, my fingers of my right hand have disappeared beneath the mushroom.

My mom, demonstrating that mushrooms can be quite good substitutes for eyes if you think yours are too small.

Yes. This is the contender i spoke of earlier. It is literally as big as your face.

My mom being my mom, in one of her wackier moments, took two mushrooms and placed them in front of...


I don't know if i should even be telling you to go figure..

I did NOT take a photo of that. Gosh, my mom is more garang than me.



NB: Once again, i think the alignment has gone wonky.

***

Does anyone have any suggestions for good clothes blogshops? I'm on the prowl...

V: i looked thru 3 collections and somehow... i have concluded that in general, tracyeinny's style is different from mine. pragnaz's webbie seems to be down/dead?

Remember i said that i recently have been stuffing my face?

The desperation with which i dug into the fridge looking for something sweet and brown, and the ferocity in how i broke the hard piece into smaller bits, threw them into my mouth and chewed down hard despite my liking for it to be melted and smooth, shocked me.

(I'm surprised i didn't gnaw on the bar a la viking:drumstick)

I actually felt my cranial dwelling neurons sigh a huge sigh of relief as my taste buds savoured, in frenzied urgency, the familiar taste of chocolate.

Uh, I am not pregnant.

Introduction to Family: (COMPLETED. HALLELUJAH!)
Genogram x 1 (DONE)
Role Play x 1 (DONE)
Case Study x 1 (DONE)
MCQ Test x 1 (DONE)
Overall Grade: A- (PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Group Counselling: (COMPLETED. HOSANNA!)
Individual Paper x 1 (DONE)
Co-facilitator's Paper x 1 (DONE)
Transcripting x 1 (DONE)
Group Counselling with Violent Youths Presentation x 1 (DONE)

Advanced Counselling: (AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Big Fat Essay x 1 (Panicking)

Psychopathology and Appraisal: (EEEEKSS)
Case Study Presentation x 1 (DONE)
3000 word essay x 1 (THINKING: How to do...)
Topic Presentation x 1 (DONE, waiting for group mate to do his edits)
MCQ Test x 1

during this coming holidays, i will just spend it exercising.

because firstly, i am broke and exercising is free of charge. what is more, i get to gym at the NTU alumni club as a unisim alumus. teehee. and the gym is not bad at all!

secondly, i need to get myself into shape... been stuffing my face recently and am enjoying it tremendously. *beam*

thirdly, after this hols, it's my practicum so it's my way of preparing myself mentally and physically.

I've never said it out loud before till tonight... that I've always felt second class. I was struck by how bitter i sounded when i spoke to my leader. I think these feelings have been harboured for far too long that it's not funny.

I've always felt that i'm not communicated to, i always have to figure it out on my own what in the world the others are doing, unless i flail my arms and yell that i'm lost. I've asked for help but i've always been made to feel that i'm troubling people and/or holding everyone back, especially when there are parties who are always raring to go. I often don't feel included, i don't feel heard, i feel patronized. I wondered if it was just me. I think part of it is, but part of it isn't.

I wondered if it was something i had to put up with, close one eye. But apparently, it resulted in a minor explosion today. And i didn't expect my leader to react so quickly... i think the only thing that made it better for me was that i wasn't the only one feeling less than good about the situation.

Not very comfortable with the fact that it came out still because i've been controlling and suppressing it for so long, so when i just ranted, it sounded really emotional and i don't normally rant to my (guy) leader!

Couldn't help but feel bad afterwards but i guess what has to be said, has been said. The next best thing to do is to keep walking, the aftermath is to be civil and mature about it.

http://www.myspace.com/mattmahermusic (the sound quality for the songs is better from this link)

I'm having a blast listening to just these 3 songs on the website!

The last song ("Empty and Beautiful") captivated me musically (piano and orchestral arrangement was absolutely awesome) and lyrically. The musical support really melted together with the words and made it truly a heartfelt, thankful love letter to Jesus.

It's a song about Apostle Paul who was going through a really, really, tough time but yet was stoic and remained faithful to God. Of course he was not without his difficulties but yup, as you listen to the song, you can hear how God sustained him.

Intro to the song:


The song (but the sound not very good):


Maher describes the heart behind his debut (the CD also by the same name, "Empty and Beautiful"):
“In life, we end up having to empty ourselves to achieve that which is beautiful. If you don’t, you never really get made beautiful. It’s a weird dichotomy, especially in the world we live in because there’s so much focus on beauty. The whole idea of having to empty one’s self to achieve beauty is completely counter cultural, but that’s what happens—marriage, service of the poor, sharing the beauty of the gospel. That’s what Christ calls us to do, and I hope these songs will help inspire people to follow Jesus in that way.”
(Source: http://www.myspace.com/mattmahermusic )

this posting of my work progress really helps me keep accountable to myself...

Introduction to Family: (COMPLETED. HALLELUJAH!)
Genogram x 1 (DONE)
Role Play x 1 (DONE)
Case Study x 1 (DONE)
MCQ Test x 1 (DONE)
Overall Grade: A- (PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Group Counselling:
Individual Paper x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
Co-facilitator's Paper x 1 (STATUS: WHAT?!)
Transcripting x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
Group Counselling with Violent Youths Presentation x 1 (DONE)

Advanced Counselling:
Big Fat Essay x 1 (Panicking)

Psychopathology and Appraisal:
Case Study Presentation x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
3000 word essay x 1 (THINKING: How to do...)
Topic Presentation x 1 (DONE, waiting for group mate to do his edits)
MCQ Test x 1

***

classroom = altar call room

My God heals the sick, grows out legs (elongate) for people who have one leg shorter than the other (He does! Just ask my pastor who witnessed it first hand... i will be glad to introduce you to her), He gets cancer tumours out of people, restores sight, hearing, mobility, everything! He basically specializes in the humanly impossible. God is AWESOME!

I have 2 classmates in my class who just recently got diagnosed with back problems and I'm hearing one of them wince in pain week after week. I want so bad to bring God's kingdom into my class, to my classmates. I want to see my classmates' eyes and hearts become open and receptive to Jesus. I want to be that child of God who's working out her faith so that His greatness is shown. Like, i want my classroom to be an altar call area for people to be captivated by Christ, to want to be prayed for and to be healed (in any way, physically, emotionally, etc) because Jesus HEALS! I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to. I want Jesus to be known! I really want people to see and know that Jesus is REAL and that they are loved.

I had a thought a few days ago, which is to pray for one particular classmate, and the thought has been bugging me for a few days. I have so much fear. Yet, it is not about how big my faith is that matters, but rather, it is who i put that tiny bit of faith IN. Because it isn't me who is going to heal anyone, it is Jesus.

Imagine, if one classmate is prayed for and experieces God's love and healing, wouldn't that start a mini frenzy of sorts? I don't know for sure... But if God willing, that would be the start of a kind of revival NIE needs, the kind of revival NTU, our schools, Singapore needs!

God's people need to move in faith to bring Jesus to the people. How? If i want to experience things i've never experienced before, i need to do things that i've never done before.

How? GOD! Give me that SUPER CLEAR opportunity please? And can you tell me in my face that that IS THE opportunity? Cos you know your daughter can be duh-blur one.

But of course, there are times when God does not heal and it feels lousy but still, it is an exercise of faith, to still have faith when we see nothing obvious happen. That's what faith is about, isn't it? I guess i worry about what the person i prayed for might think... but that... isn't really my business, come to think of it. My job is to simply obey joyfully. :-) It's God's issue to take up with that person. Not mine.

a draft written on the 18th of oct 2008

I finally realized something. I realized why i used to get so "jaded" and critical during worship in church. It's because i did not sustain my own worship life outside of church.

When i say i "don't sustain", i don't mean i stop being a Christian. It just means that i don't engage with God as much as i want to. I often get too busy to talk to Him and so keep in step with Him.

You see. Every time i come to church and i go for prayer and worship with my team, or with the whole church, i feel as if i have to switch on "the whole close eyes, lift hands, holy moly actions, yada yada". But that's BECAUSE... i don't even continue my worship life outside church! OF COURSE i would feel like i have to switch on and switch off "the mode". It's suppose to be... ON the whole time.

But then, i also had the realization that worship does not HAVE to consist of those physical actions i mentioned. In actuality, u can worship any how you want to. The word i got was, "Freedom". Freedom to do anything u want, anything tt shows the Lord your heart's posture of worship.

Which is why, when i come to church after a week of conscientiously keeping quiet time, i come for worship and prayer feeling more refreshed, happy and REAL. The worship is genuine and wholehearted. The only difference is that i am now worshipping with others!

First things first. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MISS L!
Miss L is my long time jc mate and boy, have we been through a fair bit... But we always know that our friendship is worth... uh, there's no worth to match it with, it is priceless, it has crossed to the infinitely qualitive, and that's what makes us carry on as good friends after all these years though we don't meet up often at all. My friend for life! :oD

***

Introduction to Family:
Genogram x 1 (Due: 30th April, NOT DONE)
Role Play x 1 (Due: 30th April) (IMPROMPTU?!)
Case Study x 1 (DONE)
MCQ Test x 1 (DONE)

Group Counselling:
Individual Paper x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
Co-facilitator's Paper x 1 (STATUS: WHAT?!)
Transcripting x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
Group Counselling with Violent Youths Presentation x 1 (DONE)

Advanced Counselling:
Big Fat Essay x 1 (Panicking)

Psychopathology and Appraisal:
Case Study Presentation x 1 (IN PROGRESS, Due: 6th April)
3000 word essay x 1
Topic Presentation x 1 (DONE, but need to edit ppt slides for final submission!)
MCQ Test x 1

***

In other news. I passed my driving final theory test! FINALLY. FINNNAAALLLYYYY!!!!!

It took me 7 (what a nice God inspired number... God made everything in "7 days") long beautiful years for me to feel ready in mind and soul and spirit and body and emo and... you get the idea, to take up the driving challenge. I think i mentioned this before. When i finished my A levels, i went ahead just like most other JC students to go get their licenses. Once i passed my basic theory though, i just lost it because i wasn't keen on studying some more for final theory (tired of studying after A levels) and more so, i was just freaking out at the thought of driving.

SO YES. Now that i am READY, i can go for lessons any time now! I AM ELATED! (But i don't feel the elation until someone reminds me about it. I think it's because i'm too busy with school right now)

Imagine... I can soon be using the car to move around and get myself home in double quick time.

All righty. Time to go. Big thanks to everyone who has been cheering me on here and in your own ways. :-) I'm really encouraged and touched. :-)

schoolverk update 2 (updated, bold=new development)

Intro to Family:
Genogram x 1
Case Study x 1 (DONE)
Role Play x 1
MCQ Test x 1 (DONE)

Group Counselling:
Individual Paper x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
Co-facilitator's Paper x 1
Transcribing x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
Group Counselling with Violent Youths Presentation x 1 (DONE)

Advanced Counselling:
Big Fat Essay x 1

Psychopathology and Appraisal:
Case Study Presentation x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
3000 word essay x 1
Topic Presentation x 1 (DONE, but need to edit ppt slides for final submission!)
MCQ Test x 1

Chiong ah!

To my friends who have been patient with me: thanks so much for your understanding and i need er, more understanding, as you can see... Hoho.

I slept so badly last night because my mind was so anxious and kept waking me up to think about whether i should go back to my work. I was tempted once but i figured no point sleeping so little and feeling deflated throughout the day. Ironically, i am already feeling sleepy because of my failed attempt to sleep and waking up multiple times.

***

In other news, my dad blessed me with a netbook! In times like these as an older but a non-working-still-studying child, i'm appreciating things a lot more, taking less things for granted, feeling more thankful for what i've been given. (although i feel guilt!)

My current 15" lappie gives me arm and shoulder aches (my biceps actually get a good workout and they ache the next day even) every time i bring it out to do work and it's been a source of inconvenience although it is definitely more powerful. Since i inherited it from my dad, he understands the problem and i guess that was what made him more empathetic towards my needs.

I was really surprised at how readily he gave me the freedom to decide if i wanted the netbook. Usually, i would be the one trying to convince him and he would be the one telling me to think about whether i really needed it. This time it was the other way around. The option was there to get it and it was my decision as to whether i wanted to go ahead.

So now i have a lovely white Lenovo S10, called Lenny. All the lappies i've had have names... :-)
Adele (Dell): my first proper lappie of my own
AyeSirMajorGeneral (Acer): my current lappie
Lenny (Lenovo): my portable mini-me (Gem helped me name it. i said 'how about mini-me'? and he said, 'how about lenny'? I thought Lenny sounded nicer, so Lenny it is!)

I had decided to get it in black at first because the cumulative dirt will be less visible. But when i took a second look at the white, i halted the salesguy at the IT show and said i wanted white instead because if i didn't change it, i knew i would regret it! Although now i have to face the consequences of seeing a greying/browning lappie over time. Eeee. Usually i am a sorta practical person, but i figured since AyeSir was black and i use it more often anyways, it won't hurt to get a white one that i would use more only when i go out.

Adele is still alive though she once threatened to crash some time ago... That was when my dad rushed to get me an external hard drive to save everything. She's kinda slow in processing things now and her screen is riddled with these burnout lines (i think). I think i'll go clean her up (file & program-wise) one of these days when i'm done with assignments.

just to give u an insight into my school life at the moment...

I have a TON OF WORK:

Intro to Family:
Genogram x 1
Case Study x 1
Role Play x 1
MCQ Test x 1

Group Counselling:
Individual Paper x 1
Co-facilitator's Paper x 1
Transcripting x 1
Group Counselling with Violent Youths Presentation x 1

Advanced Counselling:
Essay x 1

Psychopathology and Appraisal:
Case Study Presentation x 1
3000 word essay x 1
Topic Presentation x 1
MCQ Test x 1

Guess what. NONE HAVE BEEN COMPLETED NOR STUDIED FOR. DEADLINES ARE COMING UP WITHIN THE NEXT 4 WEEKS.

You tell me how? Very dead right.

I need isolation to get all this DONE!

ARGHGHGHGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS IT!!!! THESE MOZZIES ARE DRIVING ME NUTS!

ANOTHER COLLECTION OF 5 BITES IN MY FOREHEAD!

EVEN WHEN I COVER MY HEAD, IT FLIES INSIDE AND BUZZES BESIDE MY EAR!!!

YOU ARE ALL GOING TO DIEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

OCBC Cycle Singapore with La! 22 Feb 2009 Sunday

At about late 6ish in the morning. La kindly offered to take a picture of me and my east coast species type of mountain bike. 'New G-sports' or something like that. Go figure. ;o)




































La with her own bike. La is super pro one ok.


This was taken before we began, somewhere at the back end of the starting line queue.

Still waiting for our race to begin. Drastic change in lighting hor. La giving me a cute smile

Us!

I REALLY love this picture! What happened was we u-turned into East Coast Park and started alongside the sea. I was so overwhelmed by the beautiful view of the sea and how the morning sun was shining down on the water, making it glint and sparking...

So... this is one for the memories!

Nice accidental photo taken by La. :o)

I really have La to thank for snapping pictures of me for me to remember the event by... I can't handle a bike and a camera as well as her to take decent photos!

Ok, i tried to take one. This was the only full body shot i managed to take. La was so cute... When we rode next to one another so that she could pass me her phone she said: "Jo... If you cannot (manage) right, just drop the phone ok and save your life..."

HAHAHAHHAHAHA... So funny but i was like, awww...

Another cute picture of us at the last aid station where we could get free 100 plus. I tell you, chilled 100 plus tasted heavenly after 2 plus hours of hard cycling. But the sun was SO HOT that the drinks warmed up so quickly.

Ah... the finishing stretch... Which was devoid of people to support others coming in from the race. Haiyo. In running events, there're always people standing by the finishing line cheering their friends and strangers on.

It was quite an experience, and a new one at that. I really prayed for God's protection since cycling isn't my forte and there were like at least 3000-4000 people cycling on that day.

It was certainly more fun cycling with a friend than cycling all alone... I knew La could go faster than me but she stayed beside me all the way from start to end and i was really quite thankful for her patience and willingness to accomodate me. It's a lot easier to zoom right off when one is very much able to but she chose to stay... :o) Thanks La. *beam*

(i have this inkling that the alignment of photos and text are all wonky. ah well.)

Van and i have planned to go watch Marley and Me! But we sure did not know that, when we took this photo... Somewhere either in Dec or Jan at some MRT station. It was after a party at Dom's place.

Cute right......................... Heh heh.

(if you're thinking: "that looks like some PE attire you're wearing Jo." Well, yes it was. We were suppose to come dressed to the party in our old school uniform. Only Joy and i did!)

Gah... i owe myself a ton of movies.

Changeling, Benjamin Button, The Reader, Slumdog Millionaire, Marley and Me, Transformers.

Hohoh.... OCBC Cycle Singapore, here i come!

I MUST take photos... somehow...

"Xiaojie xiaojie! Ting yi xia!" (include a line in dialect that means the same thing)
("Miss, miss, please stop!")

*jo turns around to see a hulking guy chasing from behind holding what looks like a magazine. does not notice this face.*

"Wo shi zhe ke ren..." *guy points at a photo of himself on a magazine photoshoot*

*at this, jo glances upwards slightly and with her peripheral vision, instantly recognizes the man!*

"Ni yao zhuo model mah?"
("Do you want to be a model?")

*jo waves hand at him to indicate "no" and smiles as politely (and uneasily) as possible and backs off*

"Ni shi xing jia po ren mah?"
("Are you singaporean?")

*jo says 'uh yes', and continues to back off and then turns to walk briskly away*

Guess who the man was? hint: the unfamous personality who lurks around orchard looking for girls to allow him to shape their eyebrows for them.

OH MAN... it was my first ever brush with this guy on the streets and i was alone and quite terrified! And so not flattered.... HAHHAHAHAHAA. But very amused!

He is actually taller than i had imagined him to be. And quite elaborately dressed... Like, glam streetwear and bling. (Er, not that i know what that really means but that was the first impression i got) Honestly, i really wonder how he survives living in Singapore. What does he do for a living? Does he have any family and actual friends? And more interestingly, how in the world does he constantly keep up his bizarre behaviour and personal opinions and viewpoints? Is he really, really like that?

I recently told a youth pastor that, "it is ridiculous that i am in counselling (a counselling student). It is ridiculous!" At that, he laughed heartily for the first time in our conversation, only after a good solid 1 hour or so of sharing.

So i shared with him about my fear(s) and why i thought it was utterly ridiculous, and we talked a bit about the prayer he said over me before and what God had told me through him. He was the same pastor who prayed about:

1. God wants to give, or already has given the gift of protecting, caring, laying down of my life for those i love, like a shepherd. But to do that, I first need to know the shepherd. Psalms 23.
2. A picture of an overflowing cup.
3. Jesus wants me to know that He stands beside me always, with his arm around me. (I REALLY needed to know that! I've always wanted God to show me that He's always close beside me.)
4. Love with Courage! (When pastor said this in his prayer, he digressed to tell me that he didn't know why he said that, but felt that it must be said.)

At that time, this pastor did not know me well and neither did he know that i was a counselling student.

Further into the discussion, he had let on that part of the reason as to why he wanted to catch up with me was because when he went back home that day (the day when he prayed for me) and he felt that God was saying to him, "that He (God) will groom me into someone i never thought/imagine that i would be".

(this is a very real concern for me... because who i am now does not match with who i think i should be or who i would like to be. and in view of my career choice, who i am is a huge factor.)

With that, all the memories of previous messages (all the same in meaning) from God spoken through different people in my life at different times flashed in my mind, and i was like... GOD! I'M WAITING! I WISH I COULD KNOW WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT, NOOOOW!!!

When i showed my pastor my incredulous face coupled with my incredulous situation, he said with a broad smile, "You must be on the right path. Because God chooses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise." (that's from 1 Cor 1: 27)

(The rest of the verse:

"... God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.
He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things - and the things that are not - to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before Him.
(and now the important part...)
It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus,
who has become for us wisdom from God - that is - our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore it is written: 'Let him who boasts boasts in the Lord'")

Honestly. I'm beginning to feel the heat in class, now that we are kickstarting the role play. Role playing is when we team up with 2 or more other classmates and we take turns to learn to be the therapist and client(s). Also, there is the co-facilitation of a support group.

I totally suck at it right now because i constantly am at a lost of what to ask my "client", my mind blanks out and freezes with despair when my client gives me a certain look or when i run out of things to say, or when i ask a question and realise that it is irrelevant. I often feel that my classmates do not benefit from me being a "stumbling block" (but only for now, NOT in future!!!!) and i feel so bad about it.

I am also beginning to see more conflicts happening in class, between classmates. Sometimes i may be a part of it and it's a sad and demoralising feeling to be on guard all the time. My class size is so small (at its smallest, there are only 5 students, and at its largest, 11 students) that word passes around very quickly.

What's more, let me tell you that working with adults as a young, bright eyed and bushy tailed noob is rather tricky. They are ultra sensitive to dynamics, classroom climate, the very subtle and underlying meanings that lie beaneath simple sounding words of other people. Nothing is as it SEEMS on the surface.

Because the training puts me in a really difficult position as an untried counsellor/therapist, the mistakes that i make are constant and so the feelings of disappointment and me having to berate myself happens all the time.

I'm beginning to see how though i know many things in theory, putting it into practice stumps me completely. I think i know many things, but i fail to deliver. I'm really at Ground Zero, crawling around on all fours trying to find a way of how to get onto my two feet.

Did i also mention? I am the youngest in class and the only one with no formal revelant experience. In terms of maturity/age and work experience, i am the least advantaged.

As you can already tell, the odds are huge... Where I am now, and the place where God is encouraging me with seems like a lifetime apart. The only thing that is keeping me assured and focused on my choice of career is the consistent assurance from Father God that i'm doing the right thing.

But i know that this is part of my moulding process and i have to go through with it despite it being painful... Being pressured and squished into a nice shape at the end of the day.

And really, that makes me confident (though still trembling in my shoes) enough to keep moving on, because of the knowledge that God has already paved the way for me and is cheering for me by the sidelines and at the finishing line.

I am super dui because i've been attacked by mosquitoes for 3 nights already...

Mozzies at first bit my arms and legs and body, parts that were uncovered by my blanket during the 1st and 2nd nights. So i got fed up and made sure that i was fully covered except for my face. I tell you, i was so annoyed when while sleeping, i hear the buzzing of their stupid mozzie wings NEXT TO MY EAR! Half asleep, i slapped my hand over my ear like, twice.

Which was a half stupid move because each time i did that, i got temporarily and partially deaf.

Then last night, the $#$#%$%^% bugs couldn't get their fill from me via my legs and arms because they were covered so them bug freaks bit me all over my FACE! DARNIT! I have 6 mozzie bites on my forehead can? I awoke scratching my forehead furiously yesterday night. I know i have a high forehead but please man, just when my zits were clearing up?!?!??! They also bit me on my cheeks. So now it looks like i have big pimples all over my face. Looks aside, it ITCHES! ARGH.

Super pissed off! It's actually quite funny when i tell people about it, but when i look into the mirror and/or when i feel the tingle of the itch, i get really really disgruntled man. Can i say something in hokkien please.

soft shell crab venture

So here's a fine specimen of my raw soft shell crab with his limbs all curled in and still a little frozen. He's quite a little guy really. (i realize i shouldn't be talking about the crab in such endearing terms given his circumstances. Hmm...)

In my palm.

According to cleaning instructions, the gills have to be removed. It's that shiny white part.

The layout and ingredients, part 1.

Layout and ingredients, part 2.

Crabs all cleaned and ready to be battered.

A mix of flour and egg.

In the pan.................

Tadah!

As you can see, the ones on the left look more crab like. That was during the beginning of the frying process when the egg hadn't messed itself up with the flour, so still giving the fried crabs their shape.

On the right, well, that's when flour and egg decided to become a mish and mash, so instead of looking like a batter covering the crab, it became more of like a crab omelette. Delicious nonetheless. :-)

***

Since these were pan fried and not deep fried (like those bought from shops outside that sell them at cut throat prices), you still get a good bite into the flesh and the juices will all come gushing out. :-) Because of that, i recommend that if you want to cook this, think up/look up a good marinade for the crab so that you maximise the role of the juices... You'll want something more multi dimensional in taste then my simple marinade of just salt and thyme.

I was running late for my family's renuion dinner and there i was at Kallang trying to "fight" for cabs. Apparently, 3 sets of people kinda intercepted "my cab" by standing in front of me instead of behind me (although 2 sets of people were nice enough to still ask if I wanted the cab when it stopped for them instead of me). I was kind of annoyed but i told myself not to worry and that God will provide for all his children and that he would provide for me too.

After a while i thought to myself that my location had too many people in need of cabs, so i decided to walk around the bend to a less crowded place. But then as i stood by the roadside, i felt really stupid because i realized that: alamak... how can i get an empty cab at my spot if all the cabs that went by the previous spot are taken by the people before me? I began to realize that the likelihood of getting a cab was even slimmer at where i was...

Just then, this green cab came along and the driver spotted me. He started to turn in to the kerb despite me not even sticking out my hand to flag it down because (1) there was this HUGE bus just behind it and i didn't want the uncle to kena mashed by the bus if he stopped suddenly, (2) i couldn't see if the cab was empty.

But i opened the door of the cab and asked,
J: Uncle, can we go to ******?
U: Oh? At *****?
J: Oh, yes yes!
U: By CTE?
J: Uhm, whichever's faster.
U: Ok, whichever's faster.

The funny thing was that i only knew my gran's address but i really did not know how to describe to the uncle WHERE my granny stays. I was prepared to have to check the street directory book if he did not know where it was since it isn't a well known place. I even had the wrong impression of where she was staying in my head ( i was thinking "Upper Serangoon" when she's actually at Serangoon Gardens). Had he asked me where the rough location was, i would have blabbered the wrong place. But lo and behold, he totally KNEW where it was despite me just telling him the name of one of those small lanes somewhere in Serangoon. I didn't have to explain anything to him, and i only had to sit back and relax (was feeling tired and gross after cycling 30ish km).

When i alighted, i told him, "Woah uncle, i was scared that you wouldn't know this place you know..." and he replied, "Oh, i come here before..."
This cab driver was DEFINITELY Godsent, man!

And boy, he took me there for a fare less than 10bucks and i even got there before all my relatives did!

Seeing this from a wider point of view, I learnt that as Christians, we don't have to "fight" against people and situations. There really is not point in getting mad and indignant over worldly things because our "battles" aren't physical. All we need to do is just trust that God would take care of everything simply because He is Daddy God. He knows all our needs, we just need to ask and believe in His goodness. Boy, he is a much bigger and able God than we take him for sometimes!

Listening to "The Kraken" track on the Pirates of the Caribbean OST. Woah, the music for the kraken is so cool. How come i never noticed how cool the music was? Maybe the kraken was just too gross. Teehee.

This is it!

I have had enough of saying "i want to drive", "i bet i can drive", but not really going to make the effort to learn to drive. My biggest issue is: fear of being in an accident, second: time spent.

But in an effort to straighten out my personal time management skills, i am going to learn to multi-task and handle school as well as driving for a start.

I've already divided out my final theory book into sections so that i can read a section on a stipulated day and finish it by a certain time. Passing this final theory thingy is my main hurdle. Once i'm done with that, i will then have to summon up all my courage and go for my first driving lesson... I tell you. I am petrified by the very experiences that i have not even experienced! I am afraid of the instructors (before even meeting them), i am afraid of causing an accident (when i haven't even begun), i am afraid of not being able to do it (when i haven't even tried), i am afraid that i will not pass (when i haven't even shown myself what i can do!).

I am friggin' scared!!!!!

But then. Knowing myself, I just know that there will be a time when i will feel ready to take on my fear. It's like, i know that i am still fearful, but i also know that through the time that i have allowed to pass (despite the chidings and the comparisons i get from other people), my will has become set and my heart has steeled.

And so the time is now.

Being imperfect and prone to becoming discouraged though, I decided to blog this because i want to further convince myself that this is it... And that if i fail, flounder, procratinate, you guys have all the right to poke me and tell me to get my arse moving again till i get my driving license...

BBDC, here joline comes.

How is school, you ask?

My dread and inertia has been transformed into anticipation, excitement, complete (or near complete) attention in class, a new sense of conscientiousness. I am almost laughing at myself now. :-D

More importantly though, i've been thinking about all that happened over the last part of 2008. I'm a little frustrated that i cannot remember the bulk of what happened at the most recent varsity camp but i know that somewhere somehow i have to dig it all up and process through it.

On the spiritual/walking with Jesus side, i am totally amazed at what God has spoken to me about through other people during dedicated prayer times. They were absolutely SPOT ON despite not knowing me well personally. Well, spot on simply because God exists and He speaks directly into my life. :-)

This was what God said (in point form) through Pastor V when he prayed for me:

1. God wants to give, or already has given the gift of protecting, caring, laying down of my life for those i love, like a shepherd. But to do that, I first need to know the shepherd. Psalms 23.
2. A picture of an overflowing cup.
3. Jesus wants me to know that He stands beside me always, with his arm around me. (I REALLY needed to know that! I've always wanted God to show me that He's always close beside me.)
4. Love with Courage! (When Pastor said this in his prayer, he digressed to tell me that he didn't know why he said that, but felt that it must be said.)

I can tell you that all of that spoke deeply to me... Point 1 and 4 are especially direct. I'm always seeking to protect or sought to protect people around me. And in future, my career and lifestyle will be all geared specially towards protecting and caring for people. I take this as continuing assurance (boy, i need that confidence to know that i am doing the right thing) that my path taken right now is the right, straight and narrow one. I guess i will need this assurance time and again because the road ahead seems riddled with challenges which will make it tempting to give up. With people, there will always be tricky situations.

I nodded knowingly when God said to "love with courage". Ironically (you will know the details if you know me well enough), i find it hard to love humans for various reasons. To love with courage is to die to/give up my own hard feelings, to let my heart soften and loosen, to not fear anymore, to muster up what little love i have to speak volumes in action, making room for the unlovable or unlovable things, to go out without fear of brokenness.

Awesome, right?

:-)

***

I've signed up for a cycling event called OCBC CycleSingapore with a girly gang. I think this is the first of its kind and i'm not a good cyclist at all. I can only cycle in straight lines! I signed up for the 40km only because i've done 40km once and the event for the majority of the community is only 20km which is far too little.

***

Don't you just LOVE the weather these days? Gusty winds, bright blue skies, the smell of crisp, cold, fresh air... Daddy God, i wish every year would be like this. (or every day?)

***

I bought 9 little frozen soft shell crabs (favourite food!) which my mom is sceptical about me having any success with. Wellll... lets see what google search and some recipe sites will turn up for me. :-) I'll let you know how it goes...

A Blessed New Year to Everyone!
(ok, the below is me trying on some bizarre hats from IKEA)

The Spider Cap






















The Cake Head






















Meow!






















I know that experts have predicted a really disasterous 2009 for Singapore, but you know, as long as we trust in Heavenly Father, there is nothing to worry about. Yes, what happens around us can appear frightening and threatening, but i believe that father will never let us starve. He takes care of his own children, we will always have enough. Maybe not extravagent, but enough. :-)

So, if you're facing uncertainty, just call on the name of Jesus. It does not matter if you believe in Him or not. You know, He believes in you and knows you personally. :-)
Ready to be surprised? All you need to do, is open your heart to Him.

It's kinda sad for me to learn that while i might think that someone is my good friend, the other person may not think i am theirs. It's not because i do bad things... The Reason: Because i don't share much about myself, while they tell me a lot of stuff.

Two people (and maybe more people out there) have told me this recently and it made me think about the way i handle conversations. I tend to be the question asker, the one who listens and never talks much about the self. Most of the time, people open up and pour out stuff and i listen and offer some words or some advice.

I think there are a couple of salient reasons why i don't talk about myself.

Firstly, have you ever been in the presence of people who talk non-stop about themselves? You know those types, like whenever you tell them something you did, or something you thought about, or just anything about yourself, they go something like, "Yeah, yeah... *half interested look* i know what you mean, you know ah, i also.....".

And they launch into this whole long story about themselves and their issues/problems. It's ok when they validate your info and talk about their experiences in relation to what you said. But there are types who never fail to make you feel like they weren't even listening to you, don't care about what you're thinking or feeling, but more interested in talking all about themselves and their woeful/trigger happy life. It's like being totally preoccupied with themselves, in their own little world. When you begin to utter something about yourself, their facial expression suddenly slackens, their eyes wander, and they don't look like they're processing what you say.

I guess having been at the brunt of such experiences often, i learnt to shut up and just listen.

Secondly, i guess it's been a long time since i felt that i've really been listened to. I often feel that perhaps people don't want to listen and that i am not worthy to be listened to. I always feel a sense of guilt when i share something with someone during a conversation. It's as if, by talking about myself, i'm being narcisistic, being a person who talks unnecessarily. I feel like if i am talking about problems, i am a woeful human being. Mostly, i just feel that my issues aren't worth people's attention.

It's only when i am REALLY bothered, do i blurt. When i blurt, i ramble for a long long time. I think JL, V and Joy will know of such times of late. Gem... well, he hears me ramble pretty much ALL the time, because i know he listens.

Ok so now you know.

24th

Bolt in 3D and dinner at Tony Romas with family. Pony ride and feeding (!!!) sponsered by JL, heart to heart talk, lots of sunlight and packed lunch included (!!!). Many, many well wishes through sms and facebook and email. Movie and dinner with R and Is.

Looking forward to date with Gem and high tea with Is!

Sigh. It was/is a happy 24th. :-)

This post is more for me to remember what and how i cooked some dishes...

Mom has fallen ill with a vicious flu bug. Weird that the doc gave her antibiotics though since it's a virus, which does not respond to AB like bacteria does. So this week i'm the chief cook in the house. Muah haha. My sister is the more trusted cook between herself and i (the food i cook is usually a hit or miss affair... while my sister's usually turns out yummy), while mom is the one who usually takes the initiative to whip up dishes for the family but this time... nasty bug has gotten her down quite a bit.

Yesterday, i made a soupy dish for mom: boiled chicken stock with onions, leeks, potatoes and carrots and chicken chunks. Had to add a bit of that chicken cube thing because the chicken bones being boiled were well, not enough to lend a rich taste. For dad, i made him some pizza bread: bread, tomato paste spread, onions, ham, mushrooms and cheese. Sprinkled a little mixed herbs on the top as it toasted! Delish. He liked it! Mom thought the soup smelt good and tasted good too.

Today, i made mom noodle soup: yesterday's soup leftover with chicken and ikan bilis cubes boiled together in water to make the soup base. Then added in ginger slices and boiled it some more. At the end, threw in egg tofu, and tomatoes as well as enoki mushrooms. Took out some fresh chilled chicken breast and marinated it with a pinch of salt and sesame oil for a few minutes before throwing it into the pot as well. Boiled up the noodles in a separate pan. Once all done, serve everything hot in a bowl. Mom said it was good! :-)

Wednesday. I'm thinking... Either chicken porridge or chicken macaroni soup.

Thursday: One of the above.

Friday: I won't be around for dinner so i'm thinking, maybe i'll make a bit more food on thursday so that it can be warmed up again for dinner.

***

I've noted that i quite enjoy doing my own grocery shopping and cooking with no one in the kitchen telling me what to do. If i don't have picky eaters, then i would enjoy cooking more because then i would be free to cook anything without having to rule out choices of ingredients or specific dishes. I like the thought processes that lead me to think of what flavours should go together in a dish. I get to savour the flavours in my head! Sort of. :-)

Yet, it can be stressful when i've got a time deadline and when i can't get inspiration to conjure up a meal. Today, i woke up from my afternoon nap at around 5pm and asked God, "What should i cook??!?!!" (cos i was thinking about it for a long time and mom was gonna return home soon) And well, i suddenly got the idea to cook the noodle soup thing. The idea came just in time before mom called from the office asking me if i was prepping dinner tonight. God is cool. :-D

It's just the washing up that irritates me. Too much water being used and the repetitious washing is tiring for my hands and brain!

Think my mom is really appreciative and it's kind of funny that i've been "ordained" as the chef for this week because I've even received a little grocery budget. I guess it's practice for me anyway, to learn to visit the wet market a-la-aunty-style and spend wisely by budgeting the spending on food stuffs.

My dad is right. We need to be awful careful before we share the more intimate things in our lives with others. There are times when we feel tempted to share, but it is an act of will to hold our tongue and keep the honesty to ourselves first.

It's not just being honest about some THING, but it's also about being honest with WHO we are as people with other people in our lives. Something i have to figure out.

Which is to me a rather sad existence to be wary all the time, because i'm a frank person, an open book. But in being one, i'm bound to get burnt and get others burnt at some point in time. It's going to take a lot of control on my part to not speak my mind honestly all the time. Sounds a little disturbing, but well, truth is truth. It ain't a perfect and idealistic world.

Are we ready to be honest? Or are we just content with being surrounded by half baked honesty from the people around us? (For the sake of peace and harmony? To be liked?)

It's a delicate balance and lesson to practice. When to be at the right time, and when to never be.

Which is why God is cool. You can be completely honest with him and he won't rat on you, he loves you despite whatever you say, doesn't find fault although he does scold when necessary, is always understanding and non judgmental. Hanging out with God is the most peaceful way to pass the day.