schoolverk update 2 (updated, bold=new development)

Intro to Family:
Genogram x 1
Case Study x 1 (DONE)
Role Play x 1
MCQ Test x 1 (DONE)

Group Counselling:
Individual Paper x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
Co-facilitator's Paper x 1
Transcribing x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
Group Counselling with Violent Youths Presentation x 1 (DONE)

Advanced Counselling:
Big Fat Essay x 1

Psychopathology and Appraisal:
Case Study Presentation x 1 (IN PROGRESS)
3000 word essay x 1
Topic Presentation x 1 (DONE, but need to edit ppt slides for final submission!)
MCQ Test x 1

Chiong ah!

To my friends who have been patient with me: thanks so much for your understanding and i need er, more understanding, as you can see... Hoho.

I slept so badly last night because my mind was so anxious and kept waking me up to think about whether i should go back to my work. I was tempted once but i figured no point sleeping so little and feeling deflated throughout the day. Ironically, i am already feeling sleepy because of my failed attempt to sleep and waking up multiple times.

***

In other news, my dad blessed me with a netbook! In times like these as an older but a non-working-still-studying child, i'm appreciating things a lot more, taking less things for granted, feeling more thankful for what i've been given. (although i feel guilt!)

My current 15" lappie gives me arm and shoulder aches (my biceps actually get a good workout and they ache the next day even) every time i bring it out to do work and it's been a source of inconvenience although it is definitely more powerful. Since i inherited it from my dad, he understands the problem and i guess that was what made him more empathetic towards my needs.

I was really surprised at how readily he gave me the freedom to decide if i wanted the netbook. Usually, i would be the one trying to convince him and he would be the one telling me to think about whether i really needed it. This time it was the other way around. The option was there to get it and it was my decision as to whether i wanted to go ahead.

So now i have a lovely white Lenovo S10, called Lenny. All the lappies i've had have names... :-)
Adele (Dell): my first proper lappie of my own
AyeSirMajorGeneral (Acer): my current lappie
Lenny (Lenovo): my portable mini-me (Gem helped me name it. i said 'how about mini-me'? and he said, 'how about lenny'? I thought Lenny sounded nicer, so Lenny it is!)

I had decided to get it in black at first because the cumulative dirt will be less visible. But when i took a second look at the white, i halted the salesguy at the IT show and said i wanted white instead because if i didn't change it, i knew i would regret it! Although now i have to face the consequences of seeing a greying/browning lappie over time. Eeee. Usually i am a sorta practical person, but i figured since AyeSir was black and i use it more often anyways, it won't hurt to get a white one that i would use more only when i go out.

Adele is still alive though she once threatened to crash some time ago... That was when my dad rushed to get me an external hard drive to save everything. She's kinda slow in processing things now and her screen is riddled with these burnout lines (i think). I think i'll go clean her up (file & program-wise) one of these days when i'm done with assignments.

just to give u an insight into my school life at the moment...

I have a TON OF WORK:

Intro to Family:
Genogram x 1
Case Study x 1
Role Play x 1
MCQ Test x 1

Group Counselling:
Individual Paper x 1
Co-facilitator's Paper x 1
Transcripting x 1
Group Counselling with Violent Youths Presentation x 1

Advanced Counselling:
Essay x 1

Psychopathology and Appraisal:
Case Study Presentation x 1
3000 word essay x 1
Topic Presentation x 1
MCQ Test x 1

Guess what. NONE HAVE BEEN COMPLETED NOR STUDIED FOR. DEADLINES ARE COMING UP WITHIN THE NEXT 4 WEEKS.

You tell me how? Very dead right.

I need isolation to get all this DONE!

ARGHGHGHGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS IT!!!! THESE MOZZIES ARE DRIVING ME NUTS!

ANOTHER COLLECTION OF 5 BITES IN MY FOREHEAD!

EVEN WHEN I COVER MY HEAD, IT FLIES INSIDE AND BUZZES BESIDE MY EAR!!!

YOU ARE ALL GOING TO DIEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

OCBC Cycle Singapore with La! 22 Feb 2009 Sunday

At about late 6ish in the morning. La kindly offered to take a picture of me and my east coast species type of mountain bike. 'New G-sports' or something like that. Go figure. ;o)




































La with her own bike. La is super pro one ok.


This was taken before we began, somewhere at the back end of the starting line queue.

Still waiting for our race to begin. Drastic change in lighting hor. La giving me a cute smile

Us!

I REALLY love this picture! What happened was we u-turned into East Coast Park and started alongside the sea. I was so overwhelmed by the beautiful view of the sea and how the morning sun was shining down on the water, making it glint and sparking...

So... this is one for the memories!

Nice accidental photo taken by La. :o)

I really have La to thank for snapping pictures of me for me to remember the event by... I can't handle a bike and a camera as well as her to take decent photos!

Ok, i tried to take one. This was the only full body shot i managed to take. La was so cute... When we rode next to one another so that she could pass me her phone she said: "Jo... If you cannot (manage) right, just drop the phone ok and save your life..."

HAHAHAHHAHAHA... So funny but i was like, awww...

Another cute picture of us at the last aid station where we could get free 100 plus. I tell you, chilled 100 plus tasted heavenly after 2 plus hours of hard cycling. But the sun was SO HOT that the drinks warmed up so quickly.

Ah... the finishing stretch... Which was devoid of people to support others coming in from the race. Haiyo. In running events, there're always people standing by the finishing line cheering their friends and strangers on.

It was quite an experience, and a new one at that. I really prayed for God's protection since cycling isn't my forte and there were like at least 3000-4000 people cycling on that day.

It was certainly more fun cycling with a friend than cycling all alone... I knew La could go faster than me but she stayed beside me all the way from start to end and i was really quite thankful for her patience and willingness to accomodate me. It's a lot easier to zoom right off when one is very much able to but she chose to stay... :o) Thanks La. *beam*

(i have this inkling that the alignment of photos and text are all wonky. ah well.)

Van and i have planned to go watch Marley and Me! But we sure did not know that, when we took this photo... Somewhere either in Dec or Jan at some MRT station. It was after a party at Dom's place.

Cute right......................... Heh heh.

(if you're thinking: "that looks like some PE attire you're wearing Jo." Well, yes it was. We were suppose to come dressed to the party in our old school uniform. Only Joy and i did!)

Gah... i owe myself a ton of movies.

Changeling, Benjamin Button, The Reader, Slumdog Millionaire, Marley and Me, Transformers.

Hohoh.... OCBC Cycle Singapore, here i come!

I MUST take photos... somehow...

"Xiaojie xiaojie! Ting yi xia!" (include a line in dialect that means the same thing)
("Miss, miss, please stop!")

*jo turns around to see a hulking guy chasing from behind holding what looks like a magazine. does not notice this face.*

"Wo shi zhe ke ren..." *guy points at a photo of himself on a magazine photoshoot*

*at this, jo glances upwards slightly and with her peripheral vision, instantly recognizes the man!*

"Ni yao zhuo model mah?"
("Do you want to be a model?")

*jo waves hand at him to indicate "no" and smiles as politely (and uneasily) as possible and backs off*

"Ni shi xing jia po ren mah?"
("Are you singaporean?")

*jo says 'uh yes', and continues to back off and then turns to walk briskly away*

Guess who the man was? hint: the unfamous personality who lurks around orchard looking for girls to allow him to shape their eyebrows for them.

OH MAN... it was my first ever brush with this guy on the streets and i was alone and quite terrified! And so not flattered.... HAHHAHAHAHAA. But very amused!

He is actually taller than i had imagined him to be. And quite elaborately dressed... Like, glam streetwear and bling. (Er, not that i know what that really means but that was the first impression i got) Honestly, i really wonder how he survives living in Singapore. What does he do for a living? Does he have any family and actual friends? And more interestingly, how in the world does he constantly keep up his bizarre behaviour and personal opinions and viewpoints? Is he really, really like that?

I recently told a youth pastor that, "it is ridiculous that i am in counselling (a counselling student). It is ridiculous!" At that, he laughed heartily for the first time in our conversation, only after a good solid 1 hour or so of sharing.

So i shared with him about my fear(s) and why i thought it was utterly ridiculous, and we talked a bit about the prayer he said over me before and what God had told me through him. He was the same pastor who prayed about:

1. God wants to give, or already has given the gift of protecting, caring, laying down of my life for those i love, like a shepherd. But to do that, I first need to know the shepherd. Psalms 23.
2. A picture of an overflowing cup.
3. Jesus wants me to know that He stands beside me always, with his arm around me. (I REALLY needed to know that! I've always wanted God to show me that He's always close beside me.)
4. Love with Courage! (When pastor said this in his prayer, he digressed to tell me that he didn't know why he said that, but felt that it must be said.)

At that time, this pastor did not know me well and neither did he know that i was a counselling student.

Further into the discussion, he had let on that part of the reason as to why he wanted to catch up with me was because when he went back home that day (the day when he prayed for me) and he felt that God was saying to him, "that He (God) will groom me into someone i never thought/imagine that i would be".

(this is a very real concern for me... because who i am now does not match with who i think i should be or who i would like to be. and in view of my career choice, who i am is a huge factor.)

With that, all the memories of previous messages (all the same in meaning) from God spoken through different people in my life at different times flashed in my mind, and i was like... GOD! I'M WAITING! I WISH I COULD KNOW WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT, NOOOOW!!!

When i showed my pastor my incredulous face coupled with my incredulous situation, he said with a broad smile, "You must be on the right path. Because God chooses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise." (that's from 1 Cor 1: 27)

(The rest of the verse:

"... God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.
He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things - and the things that are not - to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before Him.
(and now the important part...)
It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus,
who has become for us wisdom from God - that is - our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore it is written: 'Let him who boasts boasts in the Lord'")

Honestly. I'm beginning to feel the heat in class, now that we are kickstarting the role play. Role playing is when we team up with 2 or more other classmates and we take turns to learn to be the therapist and client(s). Also, there is the co-facilitation of a support group.

I totally suck at it right now because i constantly am at a lost of what to ask my "client", my mind blanks out and freezes with despair when my client gives me a certain look or when i run out of things to say, or when i ask a question and realise that it is irrelevant. I often feel that my classmates do not benefit from me being a "stumbling block" (but only for now, NOT in future!!!!) and i feel so bad about it.

I am also beginning to see more conflicts happening in class, between classmates. Sometimes i may be a part of it and it's a sad and demoralising feeling to be on guard all the time. My class size is so small (at its smallest, there are only 5 students, and at its largest, 11 students) that word passes around very quickly.

What's more, let me tell you that working with adults as a young, bright eyed and bushy tailed noob is rather tricky. They are ultra sensitive to dynamics, classroom climate, the very subtle and underlying meanings that lie beaneath simple sounding words of other people. Nothing is as it SEEMS on the surface.

Because the training puts me in a really difficult position as an untried counsellor/therapist, the mistakes that i make are constant and so the feelings of disappointment and me having to berate myself happens all the time.

I'm beginning to see how though i know many things in theory, putting it into practice stumps me completely. I think i know many things, but i fail to deliver. I'm really at Ground Zero, crawling around on all fours trying to find a way of how to get onto my two feet.

Did i also mention? I am the youngest in class and the only one with no formal revelant experience. In terms of maturity/age and work experience, i am the least advantaged.

As you can already tell, the odds are huge... Where I am now, and the place where God is encouraging me with seems like a lifetime apart. The only thing that is keeping me assured and focused on my choice of career is the consistent assurance from Father God that i'm doing the right thing.

But i know that this is part of my moulding process and i have to go through with it despite it being painful... Being pressured and squished into a nice shape at the end of the day.

And really, that makes me confident (though still trembling in my shoes) enough to keep moving on, because of the knowledge that God has already paved the way for me and is cheering for me by the sidelines and at the finishing line.

I am super dui because i've been attacked by mosquitoes for 3 nights already...

Mozzies at first bit my arms and legs and body, parts that were uncovered by my blanket during the 1st and 2nd nights. So i got fed up and made sure that i was fully covered except for my face. I tell you, i was so annoyed when while sleeping, i hear the buzzing of their stupid mozzie wings NEXT TO MY EAR! Half asleep, i slapped my hand over my ear like, twice.

Which was a half stupid move because each time i did that, i got temporarily and partially deaf.

Then last night, the $#$#%$%^% bugs couldn't get their fill from me via my legs and arms because they were covered so them bug freaks bit me all over my FACE! DARNIT! I have 6 mozzie bites on my forehead can? I awoke scratching my forehead furiously yesterday night. I know i have a high forehead but please man, just when my zits were clearing up?!?!??! They also bit me on my cheeks. So now it looks like i have big pimples all over my face. Looks aside, it ITCHES! ARGH.

Super pissed off! It's actually quite funny when i tell people about it, but when i look into the mirror and/or when i feel the tingle of the itch, i get really really disgruntled man. Can i say something in hokkien please.

soft shell crab venture

So here's a fine specimen of my raw soft shell crab with his limbs all curled in and still a little frozen. He's quite a little guy really. (i realize i shouldn't be talking about the crab in such endearing terms given his circumstances. Hmm...)

In my palm.

According to cleaning instructions, the gills have to be removed. It's that shiny white part.

The layout and ingredients, part 1.

Layout and ingredients, part 2.

Crabs all cleaned and ready to be battered.

A mix of flour and egg.

In the pan.................

Tadah!

As you can see, the ones on the left look more crab like. That was during the beginning of the frying process when the egg hadn't messed itself up with the flour, so still giving the fried crabs their shape.

On the right, well, that's when flour and egg decided to become a mish and mash, so instead of looking like a batter covering the crab, it became more of like a crab omelette. Delicious nonetheless. :-)

***

Since these were pan fried and not deep fried (like those bought from shops outside that sell them at cut throat prices), you still get a good bite into the flesh and the juices will all come gushing out. :-) Because of that, i recommend that if you want to cook this, think up/look up a good marinade for the crab so that you maximise the role of the juices... You'll want something more multi dimensional in taste then my simple marinade of just salt and thyme.

I was running late for my family's renuion dinner and there i was at Kallang trying to "fight" for cabs. Apparently, 3 sets of people kinda intercepted "my cab" by standing in front of me instead of behind me (although 2 sets of people were nice enough to still ask if I wanted the cab when it stopped for them instead of me). I was kind of annoyed but i told myself not to worry and that God will provide for all his children and that he would provide for me too.

After a while i thought to myself that my location had too many people in need of cabs, so i decided to walk around the bend to a less crowded place. But then as i stood by the roadside, i felt really stupid because i realized that: alamak... how can i get an empty cab at my spot if all the cabs that went by the previous spot are taken by the people before me? I began to realize that the likelihood of getting a cab was even slimmer at where i was...

Just then, this green cab came along and the driver spotted me. He started to turn in to the kerb despite me not even sticking out my hand to flag it down because (1) there was this HUGE bus just behind it and i didn't want the uncle to kena mashed by the bus if he stopped suddenly, (2) i couldn't see if the cab was empty.

But i opened the door of the cab and asked,
J: Uncle, can we go to ******?
U: Oh? At *****?
J: Oh, yes yes!
U: By CTE?
J: Uhm, whichever's faster.
U: Ok, whichever's faster.

The funny thing was that i only knew my gran's address but i really did not know how to describe to the uncle WHERE my granny stays. I was prepared to have to check the street directory book if he did not know where it was since it isn't a well known place. I even had the wrong impression of where she was staying in my head ( i was thinking "Upper Serangoon" when she's actually at Serangoon Gardens). Had he asked me where the rough location was, i would have blabbered the wrong place. But lo and behold, he totally KNEW where it was despite me just telling him the name of one of those small lanes somewhere in Serangoon. I didn't have to explain anything to him, and i only had to sit back and relax (was feeling tired and gross after cycling 30ish km).

When i alighted, i told him, "Woah uncle, i was scared that you wouldn't know this place you know..." and he replied, "Oh, i come here before..."
This cab driver was DEFINITELY Godsent, man!

And boy, he took me there for a fare less than 10bucks and i even got there before all my relatives did!

Seeing this from a wider point of view, I learnt that as Christians, we don't have to "fight" against people and situations. There really is not point in getting mad and indignant over worldly things because our "battles" aren't physical. All we need to do is just trust that God would take care of everything simply because He is Daddy God. He knows all our needs, we just need to ask and believe in His goodness. Boy, he is a much bigger and able God than we take him for sometimes!

Listening to "The Kraken" track on the Pirates of the Caribbean OST. Woah, the music for the kraken is so cool. How come i never noticed how cool the music was? Maybe the kraken was just too gross. Teehee.

This is it!

I have had enough of saying "i want to drive", "i bet i can drive", but not really going to make the effort to learn to drive. My biggest issue is: fear of being in an accident, second: time spent.

But in an effort to straighten out my personal time management skills, i am going to learn to multi-task and handle school as well as driving for a start.

I've already divided out my final theory book into sections so that i can read a section on a stipulated day and finish it by a certain time. Passing this final theory thingy is my main hurdle. Once i'm done with that, i will then have to summon up all my courage and go for my first driving lesson... I tell you. I am petrified by the very experiences that i have not even experienced! I am afraid of the instructors (before even meeting them), i am afraid of causing an accident (when i haven't even begun), i am afraid of not being able to do it (when i haven't even tried), i am afraid that i will not pass (when i haven't even shown myself what i can do!).

I am friggin' scared!!!!!

But then. Knowing myself, I just know that there will be a time when i will feel ready to take on my fear. It's like, i know that i am still fearful, but i also know that through the time that i have allowed to pass (despite the chidings and the comparisons i get from other people), my will has become set and my heart has steeled.

And so the time is now.

Being imperfect and prone to becoming discouraged though, I decided to blog this because i want to further convince myself that this is it... And that if i fail, flounder, procratinate, you guys have all the right to poke me and tell me to get my arse moving again till i get my driving license...

BBDC, here joline comes.

How is school, you ask?

My dread and inertia has been transformed into anticipation, excitement, complete (or near complete) attention in class, a new sense of conscientiousness. I am almost laughing at myself now. :-D

More importantly though, i've been thinking about all that happened over the last part of 2008. I'm a little frustrated that i cannot remember the bulk of what happened at the most recent varsity camp but i know that somewhere somehow i have to dig it all up and process through it.

On the spiritual/walking with Jesus side, i am totally amazed at what God has spoken to me about through other people during dedicated prayer times. They were absolutely SPOT ON despite not knowing me well personally. Well, spot on simply because God exists and He speaks directly into my life. :-)

This was what God said (in point form) through Pastor V when he prayed for me:

1. God wants to give, or already has given the gift of protecting, caring, laying down of my life for those i love, like a shepherd. But to do that, I first need to know the shepherd. Psalms 23.
2. A picture of an overflowing cup.
3. Jesus wants me to know that He stands beside me always, with his arm around me. (I REALLY needed to know that! I've always wanted God to show me that He's always close beside me.)
4. Love with Courage! (When Pastor said this in his prayer, he digressed to tell me that he didn't know why he said that, but felt that it must be said.)

I can tell you that all of that spoke deeply to me... Point 1 and 4 are especially direct. I'm always seeking to protect or sought to protect people around me. And in future, my career and lifestyle will be all geared specially towards protecting and caring for people. I take this as continuing assurance (boy, i need that confidence to know that i am doing the right thing) that my path taken right now is the right, straight and narrow one. I guess i will need this assurance time and again because the road ahead seems riddled with challenges which will make it tempting to give up. With people, there will always be tricky situations.

I nodded knowingly when God said to "love with courage". Ironically (you will know the details if you know me well enough), i find it hard to love humans for various reasons. To love with courage is to die to/give up my own hard feelings, to let my heart soften and loosen, to not fear anymore, to muster up what little love i have to speak volumes in action, making room for the unlovable or unlovable things, to go out without fear of brokenness.

Awesome, right?

:-)

***

I've signed up for a cycling event called OCBC CycleSingapore with a girly gang. I think this is the first of its kind and i'm not a good cyclist at all. I can only cycle in straight lines! I signed up for the 40km only because i've done 40km once and the event for the majority of the community is only 20km which is far too little.

***

Don't you just LOVE the weather these days? Gusty winds, bright blue skies, the smell of crisp, cold, fresh air... Daddy God, i wish every year would be like this. (or every day?)

***

I bought 9 little frozen soft shell crabs (favourite food!) which my mom is sceptical about me having any success with. Wellll... lets see what google search and some recipe sites will turn up for me. :-) I'll let you know how it goes...

A Blessed New Year to Everyone!
(ok, the below is me trying on some bizarre hats from IKEA)

The Spider Cap






















The Cake Head






















Meow!






















I know that experts have predicted a really disasterous 2009 for Singapore, but you know, as long as we trust in Heavenly Father, there is nothing to worry about. Yes, what happens around us can appear frightening and threatening, but i believe that father will never let us starve. He takes care of his own children, we will always have enough. Maybe not extravagent, but enough. :-)

So, if you're facing uncertainty, just call on the name of Jesus. It does not matter if you believe in Him or not. You know, He believes in you and knows you personally. :-)
Ready to be surprised? All you need to do, is open your heart to Him.

It's kinda sad for me to learn that while i might think that someone is my good friend, the other person may not think i am theirs. It's not because i do bad things... The Reason: Because i don't share much about myself, while they tell me a lot of stuff.

Two people (and maybe more people out there) have told me this recently and it made me think about the way i handle conversations. I tend to be the question asker, the one who listens and never talks much about the self. Most of the time, people open up and pour out stuff and i listen and offer some words or some advice.

I think there are a couple of salient reasons why i don't talk about myself.

Firstly, have you ever been in the presence of people who talk non-stop about themselves? You know those types, like whenever you tell them something you did, or something you thought about, or just anything about yourself, they go something like, "Yeah, yeah... *half interested look* i know what you mean, you know ah, i also.....".

And they launch into this whole long story about themselves and their issues/problems. It's ok when they validate your info and talk about their experiences in relation to what you said. But there are types who never fail to make you feel like they weren't even listening to you, don't care about what you're thinking or feeling, but more interested in talking all about themselves and their woeful/trigger happy life. It's like being totally preoccupied with themselves, in their own little world. When you begin to utter something about yourself, their facial expression suddenly slackens, their eyes wander, and they don't look like they're processing what you say.

I guess having been at the brunt of such experiences often, i learnt to shut up and just listen.

Secondly, i guess it's been a long time since i felt that i've really been listened to. I often feel that perhaps people don't want to listen and that i am not worthy to be listened to. I always feel a sense of guilt when i share something with someone during a conversation. It's as if, by talking about myself, i'm being narcisistic, being a person who talks unnecessarily. I feel like if i am talking about problems, i am a woeful human being. Mostly, i just feel that my issues aren't worth people's attention.

It's only when i am REALLY bothered, do i blurt. When i blurt, i ramble for a long long time. I think JL, V and Joy will know of such times of late. Gem... well, he hears me ramble pretty much ALL the time, because i know he listens.

Ok so now you know.

24th

Bolt in 3D and dinner at Tony Romas with family. Pony ride and feeding (!!!) sponsered by JL, heart to heart talk, lots of sunlight and packed lunch included (!!!). Many, many well wishes through sms and facebook and email. Movie and dinner with R and Is.

Looking forward to date with Gem and high tea with Is!

Sigh. It was/is a happy 24th. :-)

This post is more for me to remember what and how i cooked some dishes...

Mom has fallen ill with a vicious flu bug. Weird that the doc gave her antibiotics though since it's a virus, which does not respond to AB like bacteria does. So this week i'm the chief cook in the house. Muah haha. My sister is the more trusted cook between herself and i (the food i cook is usually a hit or miss affair... while my sister's usually turns out yummy), while mom is the one who usually takes the initiative to whip up dishes for the family but this time... nasty bug has gotten her down quite a bit.

Yesterday, i made a soupy dish for mom: boiled chicken stock with onions, leeks, potatoes and carrots and chicken chunks. Had to add a bit of that chicken cube thing because the chicken bones being boiled were well, not enough to lend a rich taste. For dad, i made him some pizza bread: bread, tomato paste spread, onions, ham, mushrooms and cheese. Sprinkled a little mixed herbs on the top as it toasted! Delish. He liked it! Mom thought the soup smelt good and tasted good too.

Today, i made mom noodle soup: yesterday's soup leftover with chicken and ikan bilis cubes boiled together in water to make the soup base. Then added in ginger slices and boiled it some more. At the end, threw in egg tofu, and tomatoes as well as enoki mushrooms. Took out some fresh chilled chicken breast and marinated it with a pinch of salt and sesame oil for a few minutes before throwing it into the pot as well. Boiled up the noodles in a separate pan. Once all done, serve everything hot in a bowl. Mom said it was good! :-)

Wednesday. I'm thinking... Either chicken porridge or chicken macaroni soup.

Thursday: One of the above.

Friday: I won't be around for dinner so i'm thinking, maybe i'll make a bit more food on thursday so that it can be warmed up again for dinner.

***

I've noted that i quite enjoy doing my own grocery shopping and cooking with no one in the kitchen telling me what to do. If i don't have picky eaters, then i would enjoy cooking more because then i would be free to cook anything without having to rule out choices of ingredients or specific dishes. I like the thought processes that lead me to think of what flavours should go together in a dish. I get to savour the flavours in my head! Sort of. :-)

Yet, it can be stressful when i've got a time deadline and when i can't get inspiration to conjure up a meal. Today, i woke up from my afternoon nap at around 5pm and asked God, "What should i cook??!?!!" (cos i was thinking about it for a long time and mom was gonna return home soon) And well, i suddenly got the idea to cook the noodle soup thing. The idea came just in time before mom called from the office asking me if i was prepping dinner tonight. God is cool. :-D

It's just the washing up that irritates me. Too much water being used and the repetitious washing is tiring for my hands and brain!

Think my mom is really appreciative and it's kind of funny that i've been "ordained" as the chef for this week because I've even received a little grocery budget. I guess it's practice for me anyway, to learn to visit the wet market a-la-aunty-style and spend wisely by budgeting the spending on food stuffs.

My dad is right. We need to be awful careful before we share the more intimate things in our lives with others. There are times when we feel tempted to share, but it is an act of will to hold our tongue and keep the honesty to ourselves first.

It's not just being honest about some THING, but it's also about being honest with WHO we are as people with other people in our lives. Something i have to figure out.

Which is to me a rather sad existence to be wary all the time, because i'm a frank person, an open book. But in being one, i'm bound to get burnt and get others burnt at some point in time. It's going to take a lot of control on my part to not speak my mind honestly all the time. Sounds a little disturbing, but well, truth is truth. It ain't a perfect and idealistic world.

Are we ready to be honest? Or are we just content with being surrounded by half baked honesty from the people around us? (For the sake of peace and harmony? To be liked?)

It's a delicate balance and lesson to practice. When to be at the right time, and when to never be.

Which is why God is cool. You can be completely honest with him and he won't rat on you, he loves you despite whatever you say, doesn't find fault although he does scold when necessary, is always understanding and non judgmental. Hanging out with God is the most peaceful way to pass the day.

My Father has a sense of humour man.

Yesterday i was telling God with some level of anguish in my heart, "God, i've been so busy with my own errands to run, i've been so distracted this week and i don't like it. I want to worship you in every area of my life, how can i worship you even in my daily living? I want to worship you throughout the week, connect with you. Nothing makes me as happy when you are in my heart. Nothing compares to you. I know my heart longs so much for you, cos it's empty without you."

That evening, R (someone who does NOT message me normally) messaged me to ask if i was going to church. I was like, "huh" OH YEAH, there's Soak and Seek tonight!" Although i had known that it was tonight, i was kinda like not too keen on going and had forgotten until R texted me.

Note: Soak and Seek is a time for the musicians, dancers, etc (the "artsy" people) in church to come together for combined worship and bible study.

My attitude in response to that? Get a load of this: " Huh, I don't want. Feeling lazy... don't want to leave my home."

Than i realized, "Hello? Didn't you just tell God that you wanted to worship him?"

It's so sadly amusing, how when the real thing comes along, my human weakness clouds my heart's desires. I thank God for that realization and i decided that i was going to make that choice to worship God with all my will and strength.

God was obviously saying, "You said you wanted to worship me right? Here you go, are you going to come for this (Soak and Seek)?" It was a little admonishment for me from Father God. I know it was certainly divine... R did not message anyone else to ask and he definitely does not message me normally. Guess i had to be reminded to learn to put my will into action. :-D

Oh, and through what God told R (at the end of the session, we prayed and asked the Lord how we can bless our friend), Father wants me to read the book of James. Wokay! How specific! I like. :-)

I need a break. Some peace and quiet.

Just like what my classmate said, "I need to be alone to recharge." Well, i'm an introvert, that's why. People find this surprising. But it's true. I may be loud, but that's when i'm charged up. Or when i have something to say, a point to make. Otherwise, i'm mostly the laidback individual, listening, speaking my mind when i need/want to. I'm not the life of the party.

Think i've got to go hole myself up at home for at least a week or more. Watch DVDs, think, surf the net, sleep, write, cook, bake. Whatever that satisfies my desire for rest. Need to live in a short term bubble.

I can't decide if i'm happy or lost at the moment.

inducing.... hyperventilation...

Look at its adorable puppeh faaaace! (proportions: big forehead and little mouf) Auuugghh! And its teeny tiny squishy body inna hotdawg bun! Aahhhhh! i can almost smell its musky soft doggy scent from here.




This is just incredulously funny. It's like, "Ok! I'm just testing if jonathan used wax on the stairs!" *done sliding* "Yeah people, floor check done! Smooooooth as a baby's bum!"

Source: www.cuteoverload.com

Of all the photos, the nicest ones were taken in the toilet when we were trying to remove our make up. HAHA.

Anyway, here's saying HI! after the wedding. :-)

As Jie meis, we had a good excuse to go pay some good money to get our faces and hair fixed.... So we went to a salon and i have never worn so much make up in my life!

Personally, i think i essentially look exactly the same, with or without make-up. Unlike some people who, after slathering on the stuff, look entirely different and unrecognizable.

What made me really grin (and think to myself that "it was all worth it") was when my dad said to me: "I think your hair was really nice... and i thought the make-up was done very well. Made you look really different, it enhanced your face. Very pretty." AWWWWwwwwwwww.... Thanks Dad! :-)

Ai yai, the end is nearrr...

Things to do when school is over (which is actually dependent on whether i can finish all my assignments before the 12th. Highly unlikely though.):

1. Meet up with the girls
(i've stuck post-it notes with the names of people on my mental noticeboard, but they've a way of dropping off. So, if i've said i'm going to meet up with you but have not, please come and pinch me, you have my permission...)

2. Do/plan something nice for gem.

3. Go on eating trips.

4. Last minute training for 10km.

5. Go to the beach/park.

6. Catch-up-potluck with the you-know-whos. ;-)

7. Go look for a good pore cleaning mask.

8. Read the counselling (soft skills) book and other articles.

9. Do video editing for the married woman.

10. Go on phototrips with miss D, and miss V and miss C.

***

I can smell december. The wind that blows through my window at night tells me so.
(darn, now i sound like Rafiki from the Lion King who can read information out of the dust/leaves that he catches straight out from the air)

***

Senator Barack Obama is the new president of the USA...

I've got mixed feelings about him stepping into the White House...

The world and i am going to wait and see.

for you, miss zen :-)

happy convo to me (16th October, Thursday, 2008)! (taken by Alvin! Thanks bro...)






















I really like the colours of the robe, my faculty's (arts and social sciences) colour. It was a silky rich rose red and a lovely purple, unlike some other colour combinations that i've seen that make graduates look like bookmarks. I sure hope my faculty in NIE has decent robe colours!

I took a "Harry Potter" photo of myself. Hur hur. Yeah, riding-on-a-broomstick thing.

I think my heart is a lot more partial to animals than to humans. *bites lower lip*

Take a look at this video where pet dog Leo, risked his life to protect 4 kittens when the house caught fire. I don't really know HOW he thought he could protect them, but he was with them in the burning house and even suffered smoke inhalation.

Quite NUTS, but it just blew my mind... And i teared.

sunglasses advertisement... Not.

Me in your Oakleys!
You in my Optic Nerve!

















Once the sem is over, golly boy, am i going to go all out to paint the beach red or what!
I don't know whether my fitness level can tahan or not since i haven't been running a whole lot recently but, I really want to go trail running/hiking, biking, beach-ing, just whack man!

I loved going through the east coast park connector network (about 40km), but i didn't really like the urban landscape too much in terms of the interruptions. But i did enjoy the sweat and grunt inducing gruelling moments when we had to carry our bikes up and down overhead bridges. Just be careful not to slip because that could get pretty ugly.

AH! Jia you to me!

I want. Can? :-)
i wuv Mythbusters.

Note: ok, i discovered that they don't ship stuff readily to Asia, and will need to make enquiries. Dangwabbit.

***

1 Group presentation: Teen Sex Education (40% done)
1 Essay: on either Mid Life Crisis or Juvenile Delinquency (not done)
1 Research Critique (not done)
1 Research Proposal (have not thought of a topic yet)
1 Essay: Comparing counselling theories (not done)
1 Intake interview (not done)
1 Set ppt slides: Case Conceptualization (sort of done)
1 Report: Ethics in Group Counselling (sort of done)

AIEEEE!!!
The funny thing is, i'm a lot calmer about all this WITH the approaching deadlines than when i first began my course with deadlines that were still far away. Denial, methinks.

This would be my silly dog Jed who conveniently plonked his whole little body onto my IMPORTANT school newspaper cuttings. And he's still all, "Wot? Wot did i do?"

Tomorrow's my convocation day. Got to admit that i wasn't too keen or serious about going for it, since i'll be going for yet another convo in 1 1/2 years time. But i guess... something compelled me to do so. Undergraduate convo is kinda like the first major milestone for the tertiary education folks. Granny (who was looking forward to this) and family (excluding my globetrotting sister) are going for the ceremony and the big makan, but it seems like no one else can come for the after-ceremony photo taking. How sad. Even Gem won't be around because of school.

Neh mind, i'll try asking nicely for everyone to come for my postgraduate convo in 1 1/2 years time. Like, would they still be free? I guess some of them should still be in NTU...

At least there's Grad Night on friday! We were told to come dressed as our favourite movie character. I procrastinated registering for the dinner because of that, but then my friend who's organising the event said that i didn't HAVE to... That's a good thing. Or else, i'd be dressed as a MAN... You know, because my favourite movie character is Neo from The Matrix?! Either that, a Jedi Knight from Star Wars. I don't think i would look very good beside my (male) date then...

I love Discovery Channel's Mythbusters!

They are a team of wacky, intelligent, technically adventurous geeks who get wind of myths and use their knowledge of science (physics, mechanics, yada, yada) to prove or disprove it. So, you either get: Busted, Confirmed, Plausible, as conclusions to their tests.

I REALLY hope that they keep the show going. The show is too precious!

Ok, imma geek when i wanna be. :-)

Father God has a lot of work to do in my heart...

I feel so ugly inside. Though others tell me otherwise, i know my faults better than anyone else and being human, i do what i do to look nice: Hide the faults. Cover it up by doing the exact opposite to repress them.

But the more i hide my faults, the uglier i know i am inside.

There is no point in making sure i look good on the outside week after week, when really, i have little substance to back up what i do on the outside. In that sense, i am nothing but a liar.

The sight of Harry diving in front of Peter (Parker) to take the fatal through-the-chest stab in Spiderman 3 is haunting, heart wrenching and heart warming all at once. I'm sure that Harry considered the risk of what he was about to do, of what might happen to him if he took the chance to save his friend. But clearly, he didn't give two hoots about himself, but gave it all for his friend.

The look that Harry had on his face clearly spelt the profound brotherly love that he had for Peter and his actions spoke so distinctly of the true and honest, all or nothing kind of friendship that he and Peter shared. One life, given up wholeheartedly, willingly and without hesitation for the life of another.

Wow.

***

In a loonnnngggg time, since circa 2002, joline is going to wear a dress. For not just 1 day, but over 2 days! Oh. My. Gosh. Ack.

It's not that i hate dresses. I like dresses. It's just that the dresses need to BE ME, and that i am generally intolerant of having to sit and stand in a ladylike manner. Seriously, i like dressing up but i am just TOO lazy to do so. Gimme my jeans and tee any day, baby. Or shorts and a cool tee.

Spent 6 hours in front of the computer today doing my ethics project group work. I hope that our lecturer is kind to us because all the other groups have 3 people while my group only has... Er, 2 (1 of our group mates pang seh us and left the module altogether). In a way, it makes things less complicated, but it means a lot more work for the both of us. I never did have to do group projects with much more mature adults back in UniSIM, so to have to work with one one-on-one today was quite a new experience. Thank God that she's great to work with and we come from pretty similar backgrounds.

Then i had the jiemei meeting... Hurhur. ;-)
After we hatched our evil plan, aka Operation Sabotage, i walked away pretty much emotionless except for thoughts about whether the games portion will be pulled off well or not. But now, i'm feeling the combination of anxiety and excitement. Ack, need to get a decent pink thingy to wear! Some dress or something. Shopping is in order on monday, after my convo gown fitting.

Bimbo moment: Kind of wondering which brand of coloured lenses is good and whether people with astigmatism can wear them.

I was at Music Plaza, PS the other day and boy, was it an interesting evening. I encountered:

1. a drummer guy (DG, a customer who was trying out the drums) who told me that he liked my "touch" on the piano (i don't really know what he means by "touch")

J: (tries out a Yamaha playing "Hit the Road Jack" rather softly. Then started softly tinkling the usual bunch of chords)
DG: (Comes up to me from behind) Hi, i like your touch. Do you play a lot of jazz?
J: Er, no, i play mostly by ear.
DG (looks disappointed) Oh. Well, i like your touch.
J: (watches DG walk away) Oh, thanks!

2. guy from buddhist fellowship

He came into the shop wanting to ask the shop assistant about the piano i was playing. I started to move away from it saying that if he wanted to try, please go ahead. But he told me to keep playing so that he could listen. After a few chords, he asked if i played anywhere and i replied that i played for my church band. Then... he asked if i wanted to play for "another faith". I was stunned of course. I didn't decline at first but instead started to quiz him about what this event was about. Turns out he is a buddhist and wants to hold an event where people from different faiths come together to share about their respective faiths.

We had a short conversation about Buddhism and Christianity. I started to put some learnt things (from a recent sermon) into practice but alas, he was too bent on asking me to come to his event. I thought that he went too far with some of his questions, and boy was he insistent! He wasn't going to settle for a "no" so easily. I wonder why. We left the shop with me having his contact and an indefinite answer about me going to his fellowship. Friend tells me that it might be an evangelistic thing. Hm. *nods*

3. 2 young people, a woman and man from a church that believes in God the Mother, the "bride" as a part of God, the end time prophecies, how people today do not observe the passover anymore, saturday as sabbath, not sunday. If you're interested.

They started out innocently enough with a survey which i think was simply a guise to get me into a conversation about what they believe in. They were pushy all right! Refused to have my email address, insisted on my hp number (which i obviously did not give) and gave me pamphlets to read. They basically used verses from the bible to substantiate what they were saying (the woman was nice but sounded like a robot when explaining their beliefs, while the guy was nice but morphed into something monster-ish when asking for my number, insisting that they really wanted to share the truth with me on another set day)

I have mixed feelings about what they were saying. I spoke to my dad about it and i agreed with him that what they were preaching wasn't essential to the simple gospel of Jesus Christ. Although i still have some thoughts about the God the Mother thing, yeah.

Whatever it is, i got a taste of what some Christians do that just scare people away. Coming across as zealots, being too pushy and annoying, using "con" methods. But not all of us are like that!

3 YEARS!

It's our anniversary! Gem and I. :-)

I don't think we're able to go do anything nice or crazy or normal together today since we're occupied with you know, our other partners. Also known as "school" and "homework".

This week has been and is going to continue being rough. Many thanks to the folks who have been on the receiving end of my rambling and whining. You may not know it, but it's a chain reaction. What little that you do, has a big effect on me: Catching me when i am falling/fallen, saying the right words and not saying any at the right time. You've helped me.

Have also been having a sharp pain in my upper back that has been going on for about a week which recently got worse after i accidentally "abused" myself. God, help. *looks up*

I am thinking... When i begin work as a counsellor, this blog will have to become private. Then again, perhaps when i begin my internship, i'll have to start the process of moving i guess.

Ok, i've got to go back to scaring myself into continuing with my work by mentally running through my deadlines.

If only ethical decision making (in counselling) was as easy as punching in numbers into SPSS that churns out results in seconds, or throwing a coin into an Oracle's watery dwelling place and waiting for an answer to magically appear.

Dangwabbit.

***

I've spoken to and observed a few people when it comes to the issue of giving money to people who are asking for it, either through selling tissue paper or just plain asking.

So recently i had a conversation with M about it and i found out that she would only give money to the people who seem like they deserve it.

That got me thinking. Some say that the attitude of the heart is what matters most to them. Meaning, they are not concerned with what the person-asking-for-money (PAFM) does with the money or whether they are part of a syndicate or whether they are deserving. To them, what matters is the attitude they have towards the PAFM, and they give unconditionally.

Some others try to do the practical thing, which is to find out what the PAFM needs, and provides that need directly if within their capability. Eg. Food.
Others choose to give only if they deem the PAFM deserving, with the "right" attitude when they approach them for money.

I don't have a fixed opinion for what i would do, because honestly, there are times when i give freely, and there are times when my heart is hardened.

Then i had a sudden thought. What if Jesus decided that only the deserving among us humans could be worth dying for? Then he can forget about dying and sacrificing himself for any one of us because none of us on this Earth is perfect or deserving.

whao...

I am listening to the band recording of last week's worship at service and i am having GOOSEBUMPS. The GOOD kind of goosebumps. It's like somehow, we've been refreshed by God during our camp such that when we came together to worship as a team, we just really flowed as a band, playing out in music what God was putting into our hearts to play.

God is crazy.

Crazy good.

*

NB: My mom came in to give my cluttered room a quick sweep (something i insist she should not do) and she said: "If Jesus were to come into your room, he wouldn't have anywhere to sit! Where are you going to put him?"

I think she said some other things like:
" Where would he put this books?"
"He would say: Jo, where are you going to put me?"

HA.HA.HA

I don't know.

I just feel so... Blah. It's not like my world is falling apart but it somehow feels a little like that. I guess that is not really the case, so I think it would be more accurately phrased as: there are too many nagging and upsetting (which is subjective) things on my mind now.

School's definitely been keeping me busy. Busy and anti social. The busy part is fine, but being anti social is not something that's suppose to be included in the package. I find myself wanting to run home right after church service when usually i find much joy in hanging out with my cell group or cell group girls. But those days are gone.

I can't even go out because i'm busy catching up with work. Going out on weekdays is not an option unless i make up for the time spent by working extra hard before then. Sundays are catch up days. I feel deprived. Chained. Tired. Drowning and struggling. I meddled with the idea of giving up, though i know that i won't.

I am bogged down by my work and priorities and what's worse, i feel like i don't have the capacity to deal with any more people than i need to. On saturdays after service, the predominant feeling is: I just need a quiet night with very close friend(s). Silent and/or meaningful company is all i wish for. I just don't have it in myself to talk more than i need to. This rotten sense of isolation is leeching into my relationship with God, and i hate it. No relationship with God, no receiving of his love (he still pours his love, but...)that gives me strength to love others. When that happens, i get TIRED.

Then there's the issue of my cousin coming to live with us for an indefinite period of time. She's effectively going to be like a new teenage sister. And that... my friends... is something i have no idea how i'm going to handle. I've never had a younger sibling. It's no more just dad, mom, sister and i. Our little home, our private comfort zone. It's us and one more person. I'm still grappling with the idea of how i'm going to relate. Sister? Cousin? Because, it's going to be for the long haul. And it's a big thing. Lots of thoughts about this.
And then there are (for me to know) that i really want to beat up. Yes, you heard me right. Fed up. Frustrated. Angry.

There's more, but...

I don't know.
Blah.

Wow. I just realized how much i miss The Lion King... I just caught the first one, the 1 1/2 one and The Lion King 2 on YouTube. OK! I know, i ought to be shot for spending my time doing that.

But oh... my gosh. It's so wonderful watching it again. Apart from the kiddy Disney songs (actually, the lyrics are quite funny too), the jokes are still worthy of genuine laughter and the animators and artists REALLY did such a good job depicting the emotions of the characters. Every twitch, every slight movement on the faces and bodies of the characters are so precise and intentional and accurate. Such a work of art in a movie made in the 1990s (but i'm thinking... i believe that the conception of ideas and artwork would've begun somewhere in the 1980s?).

I wanna buy the whole DVD set if possible! It's like treasure to me. :-)

i never knew

The answer may seem obvious. But i don't know HOW my friends can tell. I mean, i almost always wear a poker straight face when i walk around but when they saw me in church yesterday, they instinctively knew that something was wrong.

I'm sorry to have to put up names here... but i hope you don't mind because otherwise you won't ever know who you are...

Alina, Nat, Joy, Kenny, Jess, Roy, Weirong. I don't know how, but your concern shown really blew me away. To you who noticed and asked, to you who bothered to stay and listen to me and offer counsel, to you who gave me wordless encouraging hugs and pats with a knowing look in your eyes, to you who messaged me even when i was out of sight, listening to me over the phone during the wee hours, to you who despite your own problems offered to pray for me, to the one who even FORCED me to talk, thank you.

You might not know it, but it sure meant something special and felt good for the soul of someone who never thought that she was worth anybody's attention and love.

(I can't shake off the feeling that i might have missed out on someone... I'm pretty sure it's all covered but hey, maybe it's because i felt so well taken care of by so many! :-) )

no more. :-(

I think i've come to the end of my running days. If my knees don't heal/cartilage too worn out, then it's time to say goodbye to something that i've invested so much in and move on to something else.

I guess i've got to still train for my 10km in dec. If i find that my knees are going nowhere but downhill after that, then it's probably time to admit that this year's standard chartered run could well be my last. Sigh.

I dreamt that...

I was standing by the side of a lake and on the other side of the same lake, was a lady dressed in the chinese fighting martial arts outfit. She stood about 50 metres away from me, on a grey rock that protruded out from the lake's bank. She seemed to be preparing to fight something, judging from the way she looked poised to take on anything.

Then, i looked up towards the sky and i saw an orange, red and yellow pheonix dive from the clouds and swoop down to attack the woman. She did some really solid kungfu moves and she defeated it.

Next, from the same spot in the sky, i saw a green demon dive down as well with bulging eyes and horns and all, to attack the woman who stood on the rock. With almost little effort, she skillfully fought the demon and chopped off its head.

Now, the context of this dream is that it's like Earth, where spiritual things aren't normally seen by everyone. Somehow, i knew that it was because God allowed me to see what was happening. So as you can imagine, i was utterly thrilled to see something i "wasn't suppose to see" and i felt really privileged.

As i stood on the side of the lake, i quizzically asked God 2 questions: "God, why did you allow me to see what i just saw?"

He said, "You see, in the physical world, we tend to see people who fight the spiritual war in a strange light. We think they believe in weird things and behave in odd ways because we cannot see what they can see and we cannot see what they are fighting against. For example, if i did not allow you to see the appearance of the adversaries, you would have thought that that woman was fighting thin air. You would have thought she was behaving a bit oddly."

Then i asked him, "But i am also your child, i am a Christian too, why did the phoenix and demon not see and attack me? Why did they/you spare me and go to that woman?"

And God said: "It is because she is grounded in the Word (the Bible, which is the word of God) and strong, so therefore she is more equipped to fight."

***

For the first message, i took this to mean that i should be more open with what God's people are doing today. Some of them claim to be doing something in the supernatural and they most certainly behave strangely! Which i always find disturbing. But i guess, if these people are moving in God's authority and power, than i should support them in spirit and truth.

That being said, i should also always test the spirit behind every deed and claim. It's because nowadays, as the world comes to an end, the devil is coming to deceive God's people and lead them away from God with all the trickery he can muster.

For the second message, it seems pretty clear to me that it's time i should be reading and digesting the bible through and through!

Interestingly, i have just bought a 365 day daily devotional that requires me to just spend a short time with God, with a verse and a short para on God's character and a reflection. It doesn't take much time to spend with God. The reason why i bought it was because i found that other devotionals tended to throw too many things at me in a short time, without allowing me to focus and meditate slowly on the word, God's character or whatever the devotions is focusing on. Admittedly, i don't spend enough time with God than i would like to.

Because of the brief nature of the devotional, it means that i do not delve deeply and cover the bible extensively. Which i guess... seems to be a problem.

Of course being a critical person and a psych student and all, i am led to wonder if the dream is an expression of my guilt or whether it is really God telling me something. I suppose the logic and orderliness of the dream is quite astounding and the messages are biblical. I must say that the 2 issues are issues that i find hard to address in my Christian life: dealing with the supernatural and being familiar with the bible.

So. Yes. Do you find this thought provoking? I hope you do, because to me it might just change my life.

Ah! Rush rush today. Tomorrow's homework and readings are NOT done yet, today's readings are not done yet (when doing a masters, doing your readings before class is PARAMOUNT, cannot run away from it one!), and i already have to get ready for school NOW when i haven't eaten lunch and, and, and, ARGH!

Ok, then why am i blogging? To preserve my sanity! :-DDDD

Oh, and i signed up for kickboxing classes with Miss R for 5 weeks, on thursdays and i er, couldn't help but sign up for archery too. Hohoho. Despite my schedule being absolutely PACKED. WHO CARES. I NEED TO BE A STUDENT with a LIFE! Even if only for a while.... but if God says to sacrifice... then, to sacrifice it, i will. :-S (but can i only sacrifice being on the school team, can i still join for fun? :-DDD Alternatively, i can go back to shooting for ACS, instead of NTU. Shooting for ACS would allow me to train on Sundays instead of Saturdays.)

(When i saw the archery booth at NTU, my heart started to pump faster, my breathing was like, shorter, my mind was swirling and i just, i just... against all odds, HAD to get myself involved!!!! Somehow!!!)

Ok, ramble done. Back to CHIONGING like mad.

Oh, i have a weird dream (but Miss R says it may be more than that) to share. More on that later.

Oh nuts. As the NTU ECA Fair rolls around starting tomorrow, my head is filling up with the familiar images surrounding archery and the feeling of drawing, aiming and releasing is making me go dreamy.

Will i ever get back to shooting? Will i ever have time to devote to archery?

Other than the march in and march past (my regular favourite throughout all these years) during our national day parade, i thought the display by the Singapore Silat Federation was SO COOL. Oh, and i think the song composed for this year is tasteful (did you see the "mtv" for it? it was so heartfelt) and Joi Chua and Hady Mirza sang so beautifully together!

***

I have a pimple on my jawline that is so mountainous that i think it can caste its own significant shadow.

And so it has been...

It hasn't been easy. I've only had 2 days in school and i have been bombed, shell shocked, pick-up-jaw-off-the-floor horrified, by the amount of work (and the quality of work expected, as V and i have agreed on) meted out by the lecturers.

To date (my collection as of monday and tuesday only, ok!):

1. Group work: Journal summary and analysis + group meetings + presentation (due: 18th August 2008)
2. 1 Week study of newspaper articles + Report writing
3. Daily/Weekly textbook readings.
4. Weekly written reflections (due: weekly)
5. Essay (counting...)
6. Interview (to my really agreeable interviewee, THANK YOU. You have really blessed me beyond any word of thanks.)
7. Reading of supplementary journals (got the kind where you need coffee as a companion)
8. Future group work and ROLE PLAY. OH MY *beep beep beep*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I CANNOT ACT! I LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY! AND THAT IS NOT GOOD FOR CLASS PARTICIPATION POINTS!)

Is this what full time undergraduates have to deal with too? Is this normal? (I did my undergraduate studies part time. It was busy, yes, but not THIS loaded!) OR, is this what a masters course is like? It's totally new to me!

So, let me tell you.........

- Because i'm the youngest in the cohort of 14 adult students, i constantly feel like i am the most inexperienced of the lot. Feeling judged and calculated.

- Feel as if i've to prove myself smart enough to be able to match their experience.

- I'm going to be STREEEETCCHHHEDDDD!

- But i have to remind myself that God gave me this place and so i need to be assured that HE HAS prepared the way already, that i have His favour, and that everything will be taken care of. Honestly, my self reminders of God's plan and purpose are so MEEK in comparison to my mental yellings that tell me to do things in my human strength and way. That I am to be the one who has to make things happen. God, help.

- That said. Because of all my mad struggling, i think a result of this is that doing this course is going to pull me closer to God, that we're going to work more closely together hand in hand. And i guess I'll gain a better understanding of His work in my life through our partnership.

- I am having to learn to rely on Him a whole lot more because while doing this course, i am constantly faced with the fact that I am so weak and unable. I'm never going to be able to achieve and complete things all on my own. My ability is limited, but God is strong, able, all knowledgable and INFINITE! That's why for everything that "i am able" to bring to completion, i can only say that i do it because i have God by my side, and that I can do all things (purely) through Christ who strengthens me. Oh my goodness. Just as i typed that out, it's like a rhema effect. The TRUTH of that word from the bible is astounding! Jesus Christ, makes up for the rest of me, that cannot.

- It was hard to type "I can do...". I just wanted to leave it as "I do all things...", because it just says that "ok, in whatever i do... in all that i do...". It doesn't DECLARE the positivity of the fact that I CAN do, that even through challenges, it is still "I CAN". It's hard to include the "can" word. Because in actuality, i feel as if i CAN... NOT! By placing a "can" into that line, i notice a pulling out of myself from a negative mental and attitudinal rut.

- I THANK GOD THAT i am NOT in Australia!!! If i don't have my immediate social support, i think i would really burn out prematurely. Imagine having to live in a whole new environment, new culture, with new people (i'm generally shy), plus having the pressure (and not pleasure) of NEW WORKLOAD in a short span of time. Oh my goodness. I think i would be crying everday.

- When people ask me, "So how's school?", with bright eagerness in their eyes, i just smile a really weird smile, which is quickly followed by a grimace, and then a long whine, and then a groan and then... silence. It basically means that i am at a lost for words. My thoughts and emotions are still reeling from shock and flying around above my head. I've yet to bring them all down to a logical and rational order to cope and make sense of eveything. So... Please bear with me?

- With a busy schedule, i now realize with all seriousness... That EVERY minute in the day counts.

- Because the rest are all adults who have been in the working world for quite a while, i think i sense some level of guardedness about them. I get this sense that it's currently "my own survival is important". Probably stems from their experiences of working with people. Sigh. I want to make good friends. Lets see how it goes.

- And last of all and most interestingly... A quiet voice has been saying to me... (me no have schizophrenia, ok) + (And it took me mildly by surprise):

"Love. Do all that you do with love. Look at your classmates with love, love your classmates through your behaviour, how you treat them, let love show through your actions. Don't be sucked up by the competition, but instead let your behaviour be governed by moving in an opposite spirit. Don't be intimidated. Love is what this is all about. Counselling is about love. So, love."

It can only be my Heavenly Father speaking. God is love, and only His voice would speak out to me to love others, against my own ugly human nature that complains, judges and hates.

(Wow. People say to me that God speaks to them here and there, on the bus, while walking and so forth. I always thought to myself in response that "Nah, God wouldn't speak to me (because i chose to believe that i am not important enough). He never does. Let alone as i go along my daily life". But HAH. Look what happened. Time to change mindset! Hope this is encouraging to you.)

(I guess, it's also about whether we are willing to listen, or, be still and quiet enough to listen.)

***

Refreshing reflection! Now, back to planning out my work schedule with Jesus. :-)

my first tag (methinks)

#1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?

Woah. Eh, I champion doing not-so-nice things to men who do this kind of thing to women you know! I have my stash of torture instruments. So. Now. What do you think MY reaction will be.....? *evil laughter*

#2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?

To have my family (dogs included) live forever healthily as my family (in Heaven, as in on Earth).

#3. What will your dream wedding to be like?

OH. It will be by the sea, under the blue/sunset sky and then we'll have the wedding dinner under the star lit sky with a live band playing softly in the background, surrounded by candle lit lamps. Dogs (and other reasonable pets) are allowed (in my dream wedding, animals don't and can't pee or poo).

#4. Are you confused as to what lies ahead of you?

A little. No wait, make that a lot... But i'm trusting that God has told me to forge on ahead in confidence. But i am freaking out!

#5. What’s your ideal lover like?

Er. No ideal la, cos can have many permutations.

#6. Which is more blessed? Loving someone or being loved by someone?

Er.... Lets be open and honest. BEING LOVED! :-DDDDDD

#7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?

Hm. Usually, i wait for that person to come to me. Heh.

#8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?

Haiya. Try to chuck my feelings aside and move on to like a few other people too. Heh.

#9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?

PMS. And inconsiderate people.

#10. Is being tagged fun?

Sort of! :-D

#11. How do you see yourself in 10 years time?

Well... This is what i would wish to see for myself: Living decently with hubby with 2 or 3 healthy children. Being content with my job and living a full Christian life.

#12. Who are currently the most important people to you?

Fambly (dog included). Significant Other. My close JC friends. My church mates.

#13. What kind of person do you think the one who tagged you is?

A surprising personality. :-)

#14. Would you rather be rich and single or married but poor?

Married (hopefully to someone who is worth being married to and being poor with!) but poor. I think that relationships with people are what keeps us sane and blessed. Not money.

#15. What’s the first thing you do every morning?

Drinking down my "toilet milo" (the hot milo that makes me wanna run to the loo! :-D)

#16. Would you give all in a relationship?

I haven't discovered what "all" means yet, for me personally at least.

#17. If you fall in love with 2 people simultaneously, who would you pick?

Hm... How to love more than one person ah? Admire can lah, but love? Ok for answers sake, i would pick the one who i feel more comfortable with and the one who truly loves me for better or for worse.

#18. What type of friends do you like?

The kind who share the same frequency with me, those who reciprocate my investment of time and care.

#19. What type of friends do you dislike?

Inconsiderate, ungrateful and insincere people.

Yes, i've been MIA-ing for a bit, catching up with people and such amongst other things.

- Went for a christian counselling conference and who should i bump into and unwittingly sat next to (with 2-3 empty seats between us) during the worship session? The ex's father! OMG. I've not seen him since March 2002. I wouldn't voluntarily say hello to him unless i knew... ... ... Hm, never mind. The break up 6 years ago wasn't pretty. Other than that, i gained some valuable information about counselling and psychology from the speakers and i have my YGOS supervisor to thank for that.

- Been going a bit crazy over chai tea latte recently. I even bought nice drinking glasses from IKEA for the times that i want to indulge in ice chai tea latte.

- There was one day when the train was so full in the morning that i found myself in a very unglam position: stuck like a freaking lizard against the MRT door, palms spread out on the glass and all.

- Had my orientation at NIE today. Goodness. My masters class has only 14-17 students, all of whom are older than me i assume. Except for 3 young men, who look like they are either my age or in their late 20s or early 30s. 1 of them is actually a fellow graduate from UniSIM. :-) After the talk by the programme coordinator, he and i looked at one another and i exclaimed: "HEY! You look REALLY familiar!" and he replied, "Yeah, i was going to ask you that! You're from OU (Open University) right?" Nice to see a familiar face. And i have my NTU STUDENT CARD!!!! Awesome! I also discovered that while bus 199 takes a lot longer to reach Canteen A/Library, it takes a nice quiet looking route when coming in from another entrance of NTU. Lots of greenery, melikes.

- I signed up for the 10km Standard Chartered run. I decided that 4 months was far too late to train and compete safely in a full marathon.

- I love vanilla yoghurt.

- I've been tagged to do something... coming right up!