It's me! I'm BACK! I SURVIVED!

Interestingly, i feel more refreshed than when i left. Of course, i need a good break in general, but mentally, i am feeling better.

2 weeks more before Joline's out of YGOS. I am looking forward to my 1 month break before school begins in August. But i'll definitely be occupied with a major project, like my friends' wedding video. I hope the NTU people start school only in end july, so that i'll be able to spend some quality time with them before school begins as well. The more i think about even going down to NIE to just register in july, the more brain chills i get! I'm dreaming of the lunch meetings, the rendezvous, the studying together, my counselling course, being on campus, restarting my archery again, jogging with JL (and whoever else that is game) around NTU/track, working out in the gym. Whoo-ooo-ooo. *brain chill*

In all honesty, i doubt that i will be able to fulfill all that i am dreaming of. Ah, but one can hope, right.

My Library Gang Bintan trip has also been CONFIRMED! OH MY GWASH. FINALLY! We've been fantasizing about going for a holiday together since we all graduated and started working... It's been a ripe 3 years or so (or is it more than that?) and now it is HAPPENING. We had plans to travel to somewhere further actually but i guess because some people aren't exactly loaded, *ahem*yourstruly*cough* travelling further was an issue.

Much has been going on in my head regarding my future. I've been asking God: God, what is it you want me to do in my life? I'm totally "at your disposable" you know? All you need to do is just tell me, just say so, and i will do it.
(but i never really hear him clearly about this.)

I'm also questioning and answering myself. I'm thinking:-

Q: If handling, being and dealing with people is so hard for me personally, that it is a struggle, than why in the WORLD am i bothering to train myself to take on a job that requires me to "take care" of people? WHY in the WORLD am i going headlong into something that arouses so much FEAR and STRESS in me?

A: I think it's strange that i'm choosing to do something completely opposite to what i am comfortable with. If i had things my way, i'd just settle for something easier, or less conventional. You know, like maybe be a zookeeper, or an archery coach, or travel the world making documentaries about animals or our planet. But if you were to ask me WHY i choose to do counselling, i'd tell you that i believe the people of our society today, really need something. There is a need for social, mental, emotional well being. Spiritual well being even. And i want to do my part to help. There is so much pain and twisted values these days and it's being passed down to our younger generation and it breaks my heart to hear about what it does to them. So i'm thinking... Is my desire to do what i want to do driven only just by wanting to make the world a better place? Or is it possibly driven by love? And whose love? My love? God's love? Even that can be a struggle to answer at times. But i know that if there is love involved, it is not my own, but Father God's love for his people (which is actually everyone on this planet!). And this is probably it, that i believe this is why i choose what i choose to do... To carry out my duties inspired by His love inspite of all the fears.

So i'm thinking. Is this therefore the "thing" that God wants me to do in my life? I'm going against my human nature for a cause, so.... that's good, right? Right? But of course, there are times when God makes use of our strongest assets to do his work in places where we may be most comfortable in. But i guess there are times when He also wants to teach some of us something, or to stretch some of us that need stretching.

For now, he has so obviously opened the door for me to enter the counselling field. I feel as if his favour is on me to pursue this. First it was when YGOS willingly took me in for just 2 months (which is generally not entertained) and then NIE which offered me the counselling course despite me being a young 'un, a graduate from UniSIM (which some people tend to have certain pre (and mis?) conceptions about), someone with no relevant working experience (at the point of my interview, all the working experience i ever had was of selling Body Shop products back in 2003 while waiting for uni to begin and printing invoices and collecting $ since 2006 at my other workplace), i'm far from scholar material, and i also could only hand in 2 referee reports out of the required 3 (i typed out and clipped a very earnest sounding letter to NIE, together with my application, to apologize for not meeting the requirements). Not forgetting the highly embarrassing fumble i made during my interview when i blabbered something and ended my blabber with "erm, er, never mind. *giggle*"
Oh goodness, so retarded!

My conclusion is: I will continue to pursue this as long as the coast is clear and until God decides to say ENOUGH, closes the doors and places me somewhere else.

So anyway. I've got ONE more day of break at home to do my YGOS reflections and then it'll be back to work on tuesday. Hm, i look forward to my Breadtalk breakfasts almost every morning before hitting the workplace. Teehee. *beam* I'm wondering if i should begin using my lunch hour to go running. I usually feel like a squishy and pudgy pao after lunch and it makes me feel uncomfortable! A surefire way to put on weight sia... I think i've been doing well in keeping my weight in check at the moment, and i don't wanna mess it up!

All righty, good night folks. It's 4 in the morning. A long post after a long time. Talking in long rambly posts often is more my thing!

PS: KUNGFU PANDA IS DARN FUNNY. I LAUGHED THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE SHOW SIA!

It's sunday, midnight. And i'll be leaving for Malacca for a community service trip in the afternoon. I'm not in the best of states to be going really. Tired (emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically) and down with the flu, bordering on having a headache/fever.

Like i told Gem, it's one thing to go on a community service trip and it's quite another to do one with youths in tow. Oh GOD, i REALLY NEED YOU. I need your strength to carry me through. I just don't have it in me right now.

Am doing my packing now, and i must say that the barrage of camps previously in May has made me a much quicker packer! Thanks to Gem for letting me loan his good ole deuter bag.

I know this is going to sound so random, but for some reason, i'm struggling with so much pride inside my heart. Everyday, i hear myself telling myself to "shut up!" every time i think of something prideful or judgmental. I tell you... I get so tired of myself, really. It's a good thing people can't read my mind! I'd be thoroughly despised i think. Sometimes, even the act of doing something loving can turn into something prideful. Sheesh.

It's amazing how God can love me for who i am. I'm thinking of all the reasons why God can't possibly love me. But when i look at examples of people God loved and loves, people who show the same "reasons", i know that i cannot explain God's love away from me.

GOD......................... DADDY............................. I REALLY NEED A MIRACLE FROM YOU. SOMETHING THAT I CANNOT DENY. I NEED SOMETHING SO SUPERNATURAL AND IMPACTFUL. God, i'm so tired.

***

Want to learn jazz and blues piano!
Want to find good orchestral (not classical) music.
Wants it to be july, NOW.
Would love a digital piano.

I'm sort of experiencing a low point in my life at the moment. It's not toooo bad. But it's definitely not the usual.

But a home cooked dinner, furry canines, and honest talk made for good therapy. :-)

I'm into my second month at YGOS and boy, has it been quite a ride. Imagine: Half a week in Malacca, a break of 1 or 2 days, and then two more weeks at YGOS and then ADIOS! I'll be off for a month before school starts. But then, i'm always open to coming back for any ad hoc stuff. If they want me around. :-P Which reminds me, J came back today to visit (i guess?) and it was indeed a pleasant surprise! He apparently cycled all the way from home, and it took 2 hours for him to reach our workplace. Was nice to see a fellow (now ex-) project servant back!

I'm going off to Malacca on a community service trip with some youths and i'm really unsure of what's going to happen. Really got to come before God again and submit it all to him. For now, i guess the guys in my team are a great bunch, when given the encouragement and guidance.

Anyway. I made my decision as to where I will be continuing my studies.... I shall make hanging out in NTU-NIE FUN! :-D
Oh, and i really look forward to picking up my archery again, exercising with JL and doing all sorts of campus-sy things! Whoopee!

in short...

It's been a week since i've last updated and this is definitely NOT my style!

I'm mentally exhausted. As for physically... lets say that if i sat still for a while, i would be in lala land soon after.

I've declined the Monash offer. But i've still not decided between NIE or Queensland (that has a really pretty set of modules. i've only been offered an interview, no full offer yet.).

I feel like running away from people. And the thought of running away from them is painful yet i have grown so cynical about things that i wish i could survive alone, though i know i cannot.

When you are with youths, you tend to eat a whole lot of junk food man...

Brain's too stuck with things that i can't unstuck it for now. Toodles.

Hey everyone.... :-)

I'm back from camp with a class of students from KSS and dinner with my Library Gang girlies. I'm not feeling as dead as a few days ago because i was like... the only or one of the only people who actually slept early during the chalet. HA. The YGOS staff and volunteers mocked me for sleeping so early and said that they'll make me sleep at 3am next time. ARGH! NO!!! Shucks, i found out that i pretty much lose out even to the older adults at YGOS. Woah seh, how do they do it lor. Weeks of camps, work, family life, late nights, school work... Always smiling, always friendly, always pursuing what is good and noble. I take my hat off to them.

The class of students were as interesting a bunch as students go, though i can't mentioned too much here. I just pray that seeds of life, purpose and hope have been sown into their lives.

Going through all this with YGOS is definitely ripping me out from my comfort zone though i've been blessed with the best colleagues that i can possibly have. Which is a saving grace. I stumble and grab around as i navigate my way through my journey, but i feel like this is really just the process of growth. You know. How you will grow best when you are put through new things, when you experience challenges and tackle opportunities to exercise your skills, and test your limits and make new ones.

I'm still learning to be comfortable with who i am, how i work, how to handle myself under stress (this one is HARD), to show love and not dwell in selfish pride, carrying myself with confidence and sharing the gospel. Amongst other things, i'm sure.

I've got a live-in temporary brother! :-DDD
My cousin from M'sia is here to stay for a while till he can get accomodation near the uni of nanyang. ;-p He's here to do a masters program too and he informed me about the status of the accomodation waiting list for graduate hostel living. 200 names on the waiting list! I have no chance sia.

I'll be off to JB tomorrow. Wedding photoshoot! (ain't mine)

Suay Day

Got a lift from my colleague to Dover, got off the van.
Started walking towards bus stop in relief that can finally rest after a 2 day school camp.
Fumbled for phone pouch, realized it was missing.
Retraced steps to see if i dropped it.
Found nothing on the path, so concluded that i left it on van.

Started to panic.

With no phone pouch, i had no: ez-link card, no home access card, no phone, no house keys.
Implies: need coins for bus fare, cannot enter home, cannot call anyone for help, and also cannot remember anyone's handphone number offhand, except for Gem's and Library Gang's.
Went to bus stop, opened wallet.
Not enough coins. Had to pay bus fare with whole $2 note.

Went to holland village and managed to find a payphone. THANK GOD for PAYPHONES.
I ALMOST missed the only person who could help me, Gem, who was just about to step out of the house to gym. THANK GOD!
Managed to get my colleague, through Gem and Joy, who found my phone pouch. PHEW! THANK YOU, YOU GUYS!

Later that night at 4plus AM, i realized that i had only 2 hours to sleep before having to awake at 6:30-7am for a school program, i was already freaking tired for the day, and i was so scared that i would not be able to wake up in time.
Reached for my "phone" which also doubles as my alarm clock and realized that duh, it was not there.
Reached for alarm clock and found it had stopped.
Changed the battery.
Still did not work. -.-"

Hopped around mad for a few moments before kopping my mom's alarm clock.
It WORKED!

So, i managed to awake on time and got to my destination on time.
Had to borrow sister's wrist watch to keep track of the time. Being without the phone meant being without a watch as well. ARGH.

But i was really shacked, terrible so, and from the way i was moving around and getting things done, i was fumbling out, missing out plenty of details, careless and generally just really OUT of IT.
Told myself that i better be extra careful, think slowly and carefully or i might end up getting into an accident.

Managed to fit in breakfast, but...
I had the worst mix rice meal i have ever had. Good thing it wasn't too expensive, but it was a waste of good money.

End of Suay Day.
Need to sleep badly.
Why is the phone so much a part of my life?!

Going for family chalet. In the last 2 weeks, i have been to 2 chalets already. This will be the third one, i'll be at another one next week. That's 4 altogether. Privileged! All part of the job for now. :-D

Speaking in point form. Tired. Ha. Ok, joline, out.

Hey folks!

I've only got a short while to throw in a post. Would just like to say that i'm really thankful for all the comments that you guys drop in, into this vacuum. :-D It really brings me cheer to read something that you have decided to add in and to me, it means a lot that you bothered to come by and contribute to the discussion.

I've just returned from a 2 day camp with a class of youths from Kranji Secondary. I've learnt and experienced so much by being with the staff of YGOS and the students. It would take me a while to reconcile everything that's in my head right now! Argh.

There's going to be another camp next week and i'll be "chairing" the games with another friend. Oh boy.

It's going to be another crazy week starting from tomorrow onwards. Work tomorrow (archery with some youths!!!!), family chalet, cell activity on monday (?), camp on tue and wed, to JB for friend's wedding photoshoot, staying over at friend's place, church. It's no wonder that i am not fucntioning at my optimum. But God's been sustaining me throughout. :-)

Got to go off for now, i'll check back with you guys soon. Have got games to plan!

So much drama has happened over the past one week that i don't even know where to begin and how much i can really share over the internet. Anyway, here goes:

1. Close shave with Death
A few seconds made the difference between life and death in my family on saturday. I could have been made an orphan or i could have lost one parent in an accident. Apparently some totally reckless and selfish driver beat the red light at a junction, and almost CRASHED into the right side of the car that my folks were in. If my dad had not seen the car coming on his right at the corner of his eye and jam braked, a horrible tragedy could have occurred. When i think about what my folks went through, no words can express how angry i am at that inconsiderate driver. I can only say that GOD PROTECTED MY PARENTS and perhaps it was not their time to leave the Earth yet.
This incident REALLY woke me up from my complacent attitude towards loving and caring for my folks and family. I realized that i have not loved them enough and showed enough care and gentleness towards them in their lives so far. I know that i have not given them what they deserve as well meaning, loving and long suffering parents. If they had died, i would feel intense regret at my actions and behaviour towards them.
I now don't take it for granted that they will be home every day. I used to just believe that they will be home everyday as per normal, and it was so mundane that it became unimportant. But now, cold water has been thrown in my face as i am shown that death CAN happen within my family. There's no such thing as, "It will never happen to me." It CAN happen to you. I now thank God every time i see my parents at home. It's a miracle and a blessing to see them alive and healthy everyday. I will never forget that, and neither should you. Take me seriously. Don't EVER take your loved ones for granted.

2. Lovely Friends
Had dinner and ice cream with a small group of cell mates who were still around after service... And then had good, honest girly chats and chill out session (actually, sunday was darn hot!) from saturday to sunday. Enough said. :-)

3. Official "Internship" at YGOS
I have joined Youth Guidance Outreach Services (YGOS) as a "intern" on a program called Project Servant. Will be serving there for 2 months. Oh man. I don't know where to begin to tell you guys about it. Got so many thoughts swirling around in my head and sometimes i lose them just when i want to pen them down. Argh. The gist is that i will be coming into contact with youths-at-risk, doing stuff like: befriending, going for camps, counselling, facilitating... I'll tell you guys more about what i've been doing and what my thoughts are.
I had a staff retreat from monday to wednesday, and i thank God that i joined them at such a good time. People had time to see who i was, and i had time to get to know others more. I learnt more about what YGOS does and it was enriching.

But not everything was great, and it's not anyone's fault really. Like i said, i'll talk more about that later, IF i can.

4. YGOS - Day 1
Today i had my first day at work and well... time passes really quickly at YGOS! :-) Can't wait to see how i will be interacting with the youths. I haven't officially met any one of them yet.

5. My application got...
While i was sitting at my dining table downstairs, my dad came back from work and stood at the top of the staircase, clinching a stack of letters in the crook of his arm. I spotted an A4 size brown envelope and wondered if it was for me. He stood there longer than usual and said to me: "I think this is your offer letter" with a smile. So i walked up to him and took the envelope and realized that it was from NIE. I wasn't sure if it was really an offer letter since i could not see anything through the transparent plastic window on the envelope that was vaguely related to being accepted. All i saw was: "FULL TIME MASTER..."
While ripping the letter flap, i told my dad, "Skarly it's just a letter to say that i've been (cleanly and promptly) rejected without even a second round of interview...". He just smiled at me, and we both waited in anticipation to see what the document was about.

LO and BEHOLD. I pulled the sheet out and it said...:
"We are pleased to inform you that your application for admission as a full-time candidate for the degree of Master of Arts (Counselling and Guidance) has been successful."

I read that line several times before it hit me that i WAS OFFICIALLY ACCEPTED. I mean... I've been so accustomed to receiving rejection letters from local universities that i was expecting to see something like: "I am pleased to inform you that while you made the first round, we regret that we cannot offer you...."

YES. I AM ACTUALLY GOING TO BE EN ROUTE TO GETTING MY MASTERS IF I JUST ACCEPT THE OFFER!!! WOW!
The idea blows my mind!

I want to stay in hostel leh, for at least one semester. But i heard that only undergrads get guaranteed a place to stay. I admit that i don't actually need a place to stay at all since i don't stay that far away from NIE. But STILL! I want some campus life!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been CRAVING some kind of authentic campus life since forever.

Then again, i have to think about whether i'm really going to take up the offer. Wouldn't it be great though, to do my practicum at YGOS? Hmm, yeah......... ;-D

1. i got accepted into monash to do the grad cert in counselling (a prereq to do the masters). while i think that it's good to start off with the grad cert since i don't have any background in counselling, i don't know what are the chances of me progressing on to the masters program which is my ultimate goal. hence, i am not accepting the offer just yet.

2. my fear of people, being alone one on one with people, even GIRL FRIENDS, has robbed me of building close relationships with them. i tend to shut people away. i hate being so fearful. i hate it. i feel as if everyone has at least one close girl friend to spend exclusive time with. i get angry and jealous, because i have no one like that. and i have only myself to blame.

3. might be starting on my voluntary work soon. the whole of may and june will be taken up, working hours even! i will be thrust out, OUTSIDE of my comfort zone. not only mixing with people who lead hard lives, but also sharing with them about God. i am shaking in my shoes, and i am wondering what the $#%$@#% am i doing, my mind is running amok! but somehow... i know that there is a bigger picture to all this. i feel like an ugly catepillar who is struggling very hard to burst out from its cocoon, either as STILL an ugly catepillar (untried, deformed, untested, unsure, not ready for the life outside) or as the butterfly about to test out its wings and taste freedom.

4. i was thinking and i sense something isn't right with you. you know, if you have an issue with me, tell me. don't sulk and expect me to read your mind. if you've got a problem, say so. don't brew in your own poison. if you want to keep silent, then fine. you can brew while i continue to live my life oblivious to your issues. as if being silently angry with someone solves anything.

hm....

It's so funny how when i look at running distances in running event ads, i hear my brain saying: "5km, 10km... Easy peasy." But then when i remember the last 5km i did which was last sunday, my body said the complete opposite. And i realize that while i am mentally prepared to do distance (having challenged and conquered 21km), physically, i am not as fit as i would like.

You see. I've noticed that my right knee acts up when i walk/run for distances beyond 4km, and somehow, my breathing is more laboured than usual. And in general, both my knees are a lot more tender these days even when i am just simply moving around. And i worry that they are more tender than they should be for someone my age. I'm ONLY 24! I can't imagine the backlash i *might* get in future at age 50 or 60 or 70. Royal bummer.

I'm thinking of changing my main mode of sport. I've GOT to do something that doesn't tax my knees so, while at the same time, sustaining the kind of intensity that i love to have in my work outs. Shorter runs? Cycling? Brisk walking with short runs? Swimming? Pilates? Kickboxing? (NO AEROBICS FOR ME)

On a different note, i was very tempted to sign up for the Singapore Sprint Series Duathlon. The event consists of a 3km run + 15km bike + 3km run. Sounds ultra do-able! But the event is on the 4th of May, and that's way too soon. Ah well.

All righty. Time for bed, i've got work tomorrow!

that odd yet meaningful dream

I had a really strange dream on friday night...

I dreamt that the whole of NTU cell had gossiped behind my back. And to me in the dream, that was TOTALLY UNIMAGINABLE because, other than my family and close JC mates who've seen all sides to me, they are the closest people to me and people whom i have been honest to! In the dream, R was the one who spilled the beans to me. I'm not sure why she told me what the cell had done, but she definitely wasn't sympathetic either. Apparently, they had talked about all my negative points, and pretty much came to a conclusion that i was NOT likeable.

(NTU cell aka Cell Group = group of people who meet up once a week, every week, other than for church service, to study the bible together)

I can only remember a couple of the things they "did not like" about me: I was told that the cell disliked how i sang so loudly during cell worship as if i was some big shot with a splendid voice, and i was told that they did not like me also because i could not lead them well during cell worship. Which explained why they did not ask me to lead worship anymore. Among other things, they said other bad things about my personality.

And throughout the dream when R was telling me about what cell had spoken behind my back, i was supremely indignant. I was so desperate to understand WHY they did not like me even when all i have done was to be the best friend and person that i could be to them. I was all alone, and felt totally misunderstood. In the dream, i could not comprehend why the people who were so close to me, people whom i had sincerely liked, could do such an abhorrent thing to me.

In my dream, i found that i was greatly distressed because i felt as if all that i was worth depended on whether i was accepted positively by people. The NTU cell is a representation of people who are dear to me. But strangely throughout my hurt and indignance, somehow this message was deposited into my mind:

"Who cares about what others think about you? The opinion of man is superficial and changing. What matters is what God thinks about you, and that is steadfast and everlasting. Your worth is not defined by what people say or feel towards you, or whether people like you. See, even the people who are closest to you have turned against you. You now understand the true meaning of what it means to have the world against you. And you now understand the true meaning and weight of what it means to rely completely on the worth that God gave you."

You see. It is easy to disregard what strangers think about you, and it does not hurt so much when they think badly of you. But when your own close ones begin to hate you, suddenly you feel like your worth is being called into question. Suddenly your identity and reputation is in shambles, suddenly you feel as if you have no where to go.

As i thought more about this, this dream is in line with the Christian walk. God is to take top priority in every aspect of my life, and loving God beyond all else and accepting our identity in Christ is what every Christian is suppose to do. But all too often as we jouney through life on Earth, we forget this and get swallowed up by the worldly things that surround us. We lust after material things of this world, and we accept definitions of people and things set by culture and society at large (Eg. beauty, intelligence, self-worth, etc).

We love and obey God and choosing to do His work is/may be unpopular with the masses. For example, speaking out against homosexuality and abortion, or sharing the gospel. There are times when we may have to do this among people who hate God and Christians (which is actually happening today). And in doing so, we have to forsake our own plans, reputation, safety, etc.

To be able to stand up for the things of God, we need to secure in God. To know that we are loved even when the world hates us.

Therefore, i understand that being secure in God, gives us sureness in our lives. It's being on a foundation that does not change.
You may say: What if you die doing God's work? What kind of security is that?
My answer is simple: The safety that God gives is beyond this physical life. It is eternal. By that i mean, you go to the place where God is to be with him forever. Heaven! It can't be more secure than that. :-)

I don't really know why i had this dream or what triggered it. Thought i'd just share it on this space and i hope that anyone reading this will benefit from it. :-D

Eastern Park Connector Bike Trip April 2008

Attempt Number One: 8th April 2008, Tuesday
Weather: We got rained on big time.

We had sought shelter at this void deck at Tampines. We waited for quite a while for the rain to stop and both of us were freezing our follicles off.

Our bikes and barang barang.

The wet, sodden bikers. After considering our options of what to do, we decided to turn back around and go back the same way back to East Coast. It was late and the rain had slowed our plans down. We vowed to come back another day!

We had a really slurpilicious dinner at a turkish food place at East Coast, "Kebab Station". This was the Beef Kebab Roll. Heavenly! Juicy and tasty beef, tangy sauce, veg, wrapped in a warm and crisp skin.
This would be the turkish pizza. It's got tomato based sauce mixed with minced meat and eggplant, fresh tomatoes, topped with cheese, yoghurt/sour cream and herbs with pita bread on the side. Oh, how we savoured every drop!

Ok, i got this scrap on my knee because my bike skidded on the edge of the wet road when i was going up a slope. Gem was behind me and he thought i was doing a stunt! (WOT?!) He said that it looked like i was jumping off my bike. This was what happened: I was going up the slope, the wheels skidded and the bike toppled to the right. For fear of being mashed beneath the bike, i jumped off, landed first on my left knee, then palms, did a small roll and landed on me arse. To my surprise, i felt more like an ant/bouncy ball that got thrown off, and not like a heavy potato that i envisioned myself to be more like. HAHA. I landed quite softly, and not with a hard bonk on the ground. I'm guessing it's because it was a controlled fall. Thank God the injuries were really minor! :-)

So, on tuesday, we completed only route G.

Attempt Number Two: 10th April 2008, Thursday
Weather: Really Cloudy. Experienced only a slight drizzle.

Other than falling over, and scowling and grumbling at Gem whenever i did (how 'charming' of me, sigh. my temper is horrendous.) and having "discussions" on safety while cycling, i had a really good time cycling some 30km-40km last week on thursday. We cycled routes A, B, C, D, E and F and the whole stretch of East Coast.

The weather was really cloudy and on the verge of a major downpour, but i believe God really held the rain cos this was our second attempt in the same week to complete the eastern park connector bike route, and we really prayed for the rain to be held at bay. Gem was also an amazing sport. It's not easy being with a fighter cock/chilli padi and remain composed, and he always took effort to take care of me, even when i wasn't very nice to him sometimes.

Us by the beach while having lunch before renting our bikes.

First stop, Bedok Reservoir.

Second stop. Hmm. Can't remember where this was... :-( We had to carry our bikes up and down the overhead bridge stairs. Some bridges had ramps though. Overall, you need some level of endurance and strength to tackle the urban terrain.

The next stop.


This was taken by Gem at Changi, at one tip of Singapore! I really wanted to make a stop here because i was charmed by the fact that it was literally one of the edges that make the perimeter of Singapore. The NTU Cell passed by this point when we were travelling back by bumboat from Pulau Ubin. Played around with picasa to created the saturated colours.

Ha, ok i admit that i love this photo taken by Gem. Could do with some editing.

Oh. This is the Coastal Park Connector, a notoriously LONG straight road that links Changi to East Coast. It's 8km long.

When we got back, we chowed down on some hong kong cafe food which was tasty and nice, but terribly overpriced. Altogether, we left satisfied. Aching, but satisfied. :-)

bike date

(closet narcissist + more-than-happy-to-be-trigger-happy-boyfriend = photos!)

After an enlightening talk with miss JL (not myself), we agreed that i would post THIS!
Muah haha. Take a goooooooood read, my dear male friends.

Taken from Wikipedia:

"PMS is a collection of symptoms. More than 200 different symptoms have been identified, but the three most prominent symptoms are irritability, tension, and dysphoria (unhappiness). The exact symptoms and their intensity vary from woman to woman. Most women with premenstrual syndrome experience only a few of the problems.

Abdominal bloating
Constipation and possible hemorrhoids due to water retention
Abdominal cramps
Breast tenderness or swelling
Itching of the breasts
Stress or anxiety
Aggression
Depression
Appetite changes and food cravings
High sexual arousal or desire
Trouble falling asleep (insomnia)
Joint or muscle pain
Headache
Fatigue
Acne
Trouble concentrating
Body temperature increase
Worsening of existing skin disorders, and respiratory (eg, allergies, infection) or eye (eg, visual disturbances, conjunctivitis) problems "

Methinks that you can now sort of figure out now why we tear people apart during a certain time in a month.

ACJC Fun-O-Rama 2008

29th of March: Joline was spotted at... ACJC Fun-O-Rama 2008!

I was from class SC10 back in 2001-2002, and being from the pioneering SC10 class, i was pleasantly surprised to find that SC10 still lives on. Looks like there are still lots of biology students.

Back in my day, we sold chocolate coated bananas. I don't know HOW we managed to win a prize for raising a respectable amount of money from our POOR excuse for dessert-food. I think we were fortunate to raise enough money, conning the first wave of curious people who probably never returned for a second helping. I remember the then-boyfriend asking his friends to buy the bananas from my stall. How nice of him. But, poor friends. MUAH HAHAH.






I guess this was their game stall. Back then, our game stall was a golf course one. I never really got a chance to see/try it. It was manned by the guys of my class.















Ok, and THIS, my friends. Was a sight to behold. People just stood and STARED at the scene before them. Others, like me, took photos. Many bewildered people stood around gawking at this... headless creature being barbequed.

Look at its posterior! Devoid of meat (presumably sliced off) already!






It is a cow. Er, was.













Ok, joline, signing off for now! More later at a godly hour.

long long ramble

So wot happened at the interview you ask? Firstly. It REALLY WAS 2 hours long. ha. And well, it went pleasantly enough. Read on for the details:

When i arrived, i was given a case study to read in a cold and quiet room, along with another interviewee. I made some notes on the sheet of paper... Mostly jotting down my analyses of the case study. When i mean case study, i mean, that the sheet of paper had a hypothetical situation of a family that was having their first consultation with me in a counselling session. The scene was of a family that was having problems with their "havoc" teenage daughter.

I made all my analyses till i had none left and I asked God: "Ok, what else do i need to consider?"And a thought popped into my head, "Think about what you would do in this situation."
When i received that answer from God, i was struck by how i missed out on such an obvious thing to think about. I mean, i analysed EVERYthing except for thinking about what i should do as their counsellor. Which would be the most commonsensical question that the interviewers would ask. I only had a few minutes left to think about it too... But God is so cool. :-) He told me what i should do.

Soon after, i was called into the room with one lady, and one man. They didn't like, stand up to greet us and shake hands. So, i was kind of at a lost of what to do. Somehow, everyone seemed a little tentative.

So it turned out to be a group interview: 2 interviewees, 2 interviewers. We were asked about our backgrounds, what makes a good counsellor, what are our best qualities to offer as a student and as a potential future counsellor, what our commitments are to the course, where will we be headed after the course (if we do get in). Oops, am i revealing too much? There were some other questions targeted at my *ahem* competitor.

I made a booboo blunder at one point... When competitor made her stand on something, lady interviewer asked me if i had anything to comment... I blabbered something or other, that was 50% sense, and 50% nonsense. For my 50% nonsense, i stuttered one line, contracted verbal constipation, stared hard at competitor (till she raised an eyebrow at me), stared at interviewer, and gave an embarrassed laugh, and said, "Erm, never mind." So... Joline. Good grief. Lady interviewer DID NOT LOOK THE LEAST BIT IMPRESSED WITH ME. She had such a demeaning look on her face. *shrinks timidly into a corner*

But i kinda "redeemed" myself later on during the case study analysis. When the guy interviewer posed THAT question: "So, what would you do in this situation?" (See? GOD IS SO AWESOME HOR.) I waited for 2-3 seconds to see if competitor wanted to answer. Since there was a moment of silence, i decided to speak up first. After which, competitor agreed with everything i said, when interviewer asked if competitor would like to comment on my answer. Interviewers seemed to take well to whatever we both said. But there was no way that i could fathom what they were thinking. They just nodded, smiled, analysed our answers here and there, and asked a few questions to clarify some points.

At this point, i was really thanking God for my experience at work. Although i don't get to meet clients as a counsellor, i get to observe what the psychologists do at the center. So, i was able to draw on what they do at work and applied it to the case study.

In general, I noticed that competitor was faced with more grilling than me, because she threw in some of her own theories and slightly "of-concern" comments. To which the interviewers had to intervene to get/make some things clear. Somehow, the guy seemed to be more firm/critical with competitor than he was with me. (by the way, competitor is twice my age.)

So after our case study discussion, we had to write a short essay, which was a reflection and self report on our strengths and weaknesses. I wrote about my childhood "traumas" (haha) which kinda precipitated some problems for me today... And how i had to overcome some of these fears when i went to Timor. Gosh. The Timor trip and its challenges really has been a timely example for me to write about in my various self reports.

All in all, i can't tell whether they were impressed with either of us. They looked super composed, critical, careful, pleasant but stiff.

I am not sure about why they were so easy on me. ONE: they could have like, after hearing my first few answers to their questions, written me off already as a non-potential. So, maybe they didn't have to bother about grilling me since i'm already out. Or, TWO: they heard and saw everything they needed to see and know from me, and already made the decision that i can move on to round 2. There's NO way of telling.

My dad and cell mate commented that a possible reason for a group discussion is to stimulate competition. Like, to see who's the leader and follower, who's the one with the bright ideas. In actual fact, both competitor and i were kinda backing one another up... Not really going against each other's viewpoints. Hur.

Apparently, competitor asked the interviewers what their expectations were of future students, and one of the answers they gave was that, they hoped to get a group of students who could work with one another. Hey... So maybe the group interview is not all about competition, but to see if the interviewees can cooperate and work cohesively.

I won't really know the outcome till perhaps a month or two from now. That's a long time to wait, i must say. Round 1 is done! I wonder if i'll make the cut into Round 2.

***

I was just talking to Gem about how i bet i could be much better looking (HAHAHA) if i bothered to dress up. Like, you know, paint my finger and toe nails, put on contacts and make-up, put on false eyelashes, do my hair, wear heels, dresses, be more fashionable, yada yada yada. I mean seriously. There is SO MUCH more that i can do to look more spruced up. But i am lazy and well, i just can't see myself prancing about in such feminine wear in the first place.

And Gem said matter-of-factly: "I am comfortable with your sense of style. And i like it that you don't require so much time to dress up before you go out."

Some time ago, he also told me that he thinks going natural, without having make-up on, is nice.

And Joline grins inwardly like nobody's business.

How can i thank thou for not imposing standards of feminine vanity upon thee?
Muah hahaha.

***

I just came back a while ago from cell group and a short girly night out. Gosh. Good friends, good conversations, good ICE CREAM *heehee, thanks J* and a ride home (much appreciated, D)... Wonderful way to end the night.

***

You know. If i had my own way... I'd be out in the wild, being with wild animals. Maybe filming a documentary for Animal Planet and/or Discovery Channel. Or, if i had my way, i'd spend my days training and going on adventure races/trips. Or doing other sporty things. Make a living from being with animals or doing sports.

I have all my life to live out. About 50 more years of it. For all i know, i might move from one occupation to the next, achieving these funny little desires. :-)
Zookeeper, right WL? ;-)

***

Time to sleep now... Though i feel like i could just go on and on and on and on...

Good night! It's going to be another good day in church tomorrow!

currently...

I received some good news after my 3 months of hard work getting my university applications through. NIE called me up for an interview that is scheduled to happen tomorrow. The girl informed me that i had to be free from 11:30 to 1:30pm. 2 HOURS?! I'm thinking of all the reasons as to why it has to be so long... I'm hoping really bad that it does NOT include essay writing or case studying something. You know, to test your maturity in handling a situation, or some such. YN says that perhaps it's long because there may be a queue. Hopefully!

It's interesting that i managed to get this interview, since i didn't fulfill all the paperwork requirements (unfortunate circumstances) and I am no stellar postgrad with lots of experience or exceptional brain power. :-D

I don't really know what God has in store for me in the next half a year or so. This period of my life consists purely of doing the mechanics, and then placing my trust in the Lord for whatever that may come about. In other words, wait patiently and keep smiling.

Anyway, here's my bit of advice for those of you thinking of furthering your studies (eg. Masters):

1. Be on GOOD TERMS with your educators in school. You will/may have to ask for referee reports from them. If you are applying to more than 1 school, you'll be "bugging" them considerably as they are quite busy people, i assume.

2. Work/volunteer/intern, if you can, while studying. You may also need to ask the person in charge of you to help you out with referee reports once you are done with school. And yes, be on GOOD TERMS with your boss. That said, work also gives you some real life experience and it's a bonus if you work in a place related to your current area of study. It may also spell out to the uni admissions people that you are able to manage your time and that you have some substance.

3. START YOUR APPLICATIONS EARLY. You really don't want to miss deadlines. Check out the application deadlines for your intended course as early as 6 months before your final examinations. Sometimes, you'll need to do a lot of leg work and paper work before sending in the ACTUAL applications, and that in itself can take MONTHS, so please start early. Don't procrastinate! (eg. getting a degree accreditation from professional bodies/associations so that you can apply for a particular course in university)

4. Of course, be very sure about what you want to do in future so that your course can train you in specifics.

5. Doing your homework on the schools (does not mean that just because it's not listed in the top 10, means that it is not good) is important. You want to know what are the particular strengths of that school, what it has been good in for the past years. Locations, cost of living, facilities, COURSE SYLLABUS, whether the degree is approved in Singapore, etc.

6. Make sure you look-out-for-fulfill-hand-in everything that the school requires from you. You don't want them coming back after 1 month only to tell you that you missed out on some paperwork and therefore can't process your application. Sometimes, even when they don't specifically ask for something, if you think that it's a common enough request (eg. supplementary information/referee report/work experience history), just get it done.

7. Going through the process can be frustrating from time to time. I didn't have a very tough time because i managed to cover as much ground as possible, to my knowledge at least. So remember, don't pass on your frustrations, be nice to the people who are helping you out. From your parents to the people who are processing your applications!

Ok, this is all for now.

God, thank you for the interview opportunity. May there be more of you, and less of me.

OH YEAH. And since i will be in NTU-NIE tomorrow, i WILL BE FREE AFTER 1:30pm IF ANYONE WANTS TO ABDUCT ME FOR LUNCH OR A CHIT CHAT SESSION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (ah, the joys of cheap uni food)

ok, that was a darn big hint already lor. Heh.

***

Speaking of "stellar students", here we have a very "talented" .... Elephant! It PAINTS. Seriously.

How can someone dying be a good thing?

This is an edited video of a Czech movie called "Most", Czech for "Bridge". I think some time ago, you might've received an email of the story... This is it in movie form! .:-) Watch it... :-)

If this touched your heart... Let this be an analogy of how God the Father sacrificed his son, Jesus, for you. Just for you, and it doesn't matter who you are or how bad you feel about yourself. He died just for you.

Why was this dying "Good"?
Very plainly and simply put: Jesus Christ died on the cross to "take away" our sins so that those who believed in Him and this truth that He died for us, would go to Heaven and be with Him for all eternity.

So who is this "Jesus" person? He is the son of God that came to live among us as a man and show us the way back to God.

Jesus lived as one of us and remained sinless (without any faults/wrongdoing. Eg. lying, lust, etc). Because of love, He chose to take our sins upon Himself and died to pay the price for us upon the cross. He opened for us (humans who sin every other day) the only way back to God.

And THIS is why we celebrate his death! Because when He died, he opened a way for us to live with God when we leave this Earth.

Question: But what is this connection between sin and death? Why is it so... blown out of proportion?

We now live in a physical world, and we are physical beings who live according to the laws of the physical world. But equally real, is that of the spiritual world and that realm also has its laws.

According to the bible, it is said, "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” - Romans 6:23
It simply means that if we sin, then we are going to die eternally, that is, make a journey to Hell when we leave Earth.

***

Over this weekend, i felt numb towards God. Yes, it does happen from time to time... And i believe that i came across this because my heart needed to be softened once again towards God. It brought me to tears when i saw this. I could better understand God's LOVE when i saw this sized down to human proportions and to a possible Earthly scenario.

God Bless!
I am smiling inwardly so much now. :-)

Credits to ieatishootipost for the video, and church mate HW for the explanation of Good Friday.

Had a brush with an annoying client today. I could go on and on about her but i'm reminded...

"Love those who are unlovable."
It's easy to love those who are loveable... There's nothing extraordinary about that. But to love someone who is not lovable... That is how Jesus does things, it's extraordinary, and that's how we should follow suit too.

"People can't annoy you, unless you allow them to."
True.

2 men who made me laugh today

1. At church, while watching the baptism service (cell mate Champ was getting baptised!) taking place, i turned around to find my senior pastor standing behind me. And not only was he there, he was carrying his chubby little baby grand daughter. I wasn't quite sure how to act cos like, here was my senior pastor, some big shot in the church, but yet there he was, just a man (60+ years old) cuddling his baby grand daughter.

J: Oh! (err... mind races to find something to say) Hello....!
SP: Hi! *smiles till can't see his eyes*
J: *garbles something to him and can't remember what he said in reply*
J: What's her name?
SP: Gracie.
J: Oh... Gracie!
SP: Her mother is getting baptised.
J: Oh, ok! She really looks like you.
SP: Really? I don't think her mother would be happy to hear that...
J and M: *LAUGHS*

Oh man... My pastor is funny sia.................

2. Family was at Swensons discussing the various scenarios related to me and sister going to Australia around the same time, when mom exclaims:

M: Ah! When both of them leave... It's just the 2 of us... *buries face into dad's shoulder*
Dad: Sure what! 4 minus 2 is 2 wad...

My sister and i just CRACKED UP, and then my dad caught onto the joke and we all cracked up. I don't think my mom was as amused as us, but she didn't make a fuss.

It was so hilarious. I mean. Here was my mommy bringing up something pertaining to emotional ties (you know how WOMEN are... Emo creatures.), and here was this MAN, responding in such a practical, objective, emotionless way, doing a MATH SUM to address her concerns!

WAH LAO! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..........

I'm wondering if i should make the switch to wordpress. It's quite impressive visually, but functionally, it's too confusing for people like me. I've just made an account there and i've got a hibernating blog with a pretty header, but it annoys me that i can't mess around with the width. As you can see, this blogger template gives me the whole screen, but the wordpress one concentrates everything to be in the centre. So squishy! And for wot?!

To date, i've applied to Monash University, University of South Australia, University of Queensland and National Institute of Education (NIE). I'm now waiting for their replies.

I'm in a situation where i am confident in God's plan for me, while another side of me is anxious about whether I would be accepted anywhere. You see, i'm fine (ok, maybe 75% fine. i'm just creeped out by working life.) if God thinks i don't need a Masters to start working right away. Yet, when i look at my transcript which still isn't too bad looking, but when i fill out my application forms, i'm struck by how underqualified i am to do a Masters program.

Which is why i've told my folks and Gem, that if i REALLY do get a place in the Australian Uni(s), it is DEFINITELY God given, and there's no other reason besides that. No such thing as luck or human wisdom and strength here, man. It would be pure providence.

I'm reading up on the money issues and accomodation. It's so exciting but oh so tedious!

Another thing that i've discovered recently is... What happened to my running form?!??!?!!

For the past few weeks, I've been brisk walking because i accompany my folks to the canal/park connector at night. I have my short runs here and there but nothing too drawn out. Last sunday, i did 4.6km of jogging and i tell you, it was SO unpleasant. 3/4 way, i had to stop and stretch my back muscles that felt really tight, my knee(s) hurt (sharp pain type), the outer rim of my right foot was feeling "pounded" from the impact of running and my chest area was feeling fatigued and tight and I kept having to breathe extra deeply in order to feel like i'm getting enough oxygen to carry on running. All in all, i was a bit of a mess!

Ok, given, the night before, i slept at 6am la, so maybe that contributed to my poor performace.

I'm wondering if the knee pain was part of the result of brisk walking on the treadmill, which might've done more harm than good. Had a slight injury from moving quickly on the belt. Think i strained something. I'm glad to say though that i've dropped a bit more weight since my very odd post-half-marathon-weight-gain. You would've thought that you would lose some after running 21km, right?

Wrong! I put on something like, 3 kg?! Yeah man, what in the world... I wouldn't say that it was muscle gain cos i definitely didn't feel very healthy. I read up on post marathon weight gain and found that it might be water retention because the body is repairing itself after being strained. Ok, so it took me 4 MONTHS to repair meself? Gawsh.

Anyways... Miss Lalalo, with the new pair of rubber to burn!!! You can run with me now!!! ;-D

I honestly thought that this advert was about a new laxative on the market. (it's talking about a new German lozenges, i think, actually. -_-" )











A dream come true! But it ended up tasting so-so only. (some of you know that i love fake strawberry cream and green tea flavoured stuff too)

This was sighted at Central at Chinatown, outside a Jap restaurant. My folks (they so happening, hor.) were holding a dark purple shawl behind the glass so that the yellow coloured words would be more visible. hurhurhur.

Part 1 of Gem's Valentine's Day gifts. I LOVE! We were shopping at Far East one day and i came across this shop with this belt. I've always wanted a red belt, and would've been happy with a plain one with the right thickness. But this flower design just made the red belt desire shoot up sky high! I didn't buy it though. But lo and behold, Gem got it for me most unexpectedly! I also love the greyish silver buckle. Very nice touch.

Part 2 of the Valentine's Day gifts. A Reebok running top! You can't really go wrong with running gear, when it comes to joline. So yeah! I love this too. One more to my collection of nice training/running stuff.

*cue in music from twilight zone* I bring you another episode of "strange tales"...

Jo: What does your mom work as? *staring into the distance and the word "remisier" pops into thy head*
S: Oh, she is a stock broker.
J: Is that the same as a remisier?
S: Yes. The same.
J: Before you told me what she worked as, i had the word "remisier" in my head.
J and S: *become wide eyed*

Ok, so the next time someone asks me if i can read his/her mind when i tell them that i did psychology, i shall just look deeply into their eyes, with a slight creepy smile and say, "Sometimes.....".
Hurhurhur.

***

Yesterday, Gem and i were at Watsons holland village choosing a shampoo for me. I was making an evaluation of some brands and just as i said, "The shampoo is quite moisturising", this slim lady with long brown hair and blond streaks walked by us along the same aisle and said outloud to no one in particular: "No, it's not."

I was quite perplexed for a moment, and i asked Gem whether he heard what i did. He said he heard: "Doraemon". (ok, at this juncture, i declare that women have better hearing. heh. ok, kidding...)

After a few minutes of deliberation i picked out a sunsilk shampoo happily and said to Gem, "Ok! It's $6.50 right?", while striding towards the cashier.

Then, the SAME lady who happened to be in the queue in front of me said outloud, "If you have the money to pay for it."

In my head, i was like... "HUH?!?!???!?!?!?!?!?!? WHAT THE???"
SO WEIRD RIGHT!!!!!

I kept quiet till i paid for my shampoo and then Gem said to me, "Hey, that lady is saying some very bizarre things!"

At first, i thought that her first comment was to the person she was talking to over her handphone or something, through an unseen bluetooth device. But the second "pissed-at-the-whole-world" comment, was just too coincidental that it left Gem and i super amused and bewildered.

HA. These are the things that make life so interesting. I don't even know the lady and whatever she was saying was too directly relevant to whatever i was saying. And i couldn't find the bluetooth device anywhere because her hair was covering most of her head. I wonder what was making her so pissed that night.

***

I don't really know how to begin or end telling you this. But. WOW! God REALLY surprised and blessed me AGAIN. Some 3 years ago, i didn't know if doing my honours was the way to go because i wasn't sure if i'd nail a good pass for it. But well... With hard work and faith in whatever God had in store for me be it good or bad... I just got my official transcript 2 days ago, and i was awarded a upper second class!

WOOooOOOOOOoooooooooooOOOooooOOOOOTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my Gawssh!

You know. Nothing about what i do makes me deserving. Yes, i did work hard but there were many times when i really struggled through my work, because of never ending deadlines for self study, doing essays and reseach, fatigue (through nights and wee morning hours), severe writers' blocks (can last for 1 week!), immaturity in thought at some points, not being able to attend cell group because of clashes with class, etc. Throw in the fact that I've not been the most angelic of people, with my fair share of horrendous behaviour and unfaithfulness to God. I really had to depend on God to pull me through it all.

With that, i can only say: God, You amaze me.

I just feel that it's appropriate to post this poem by Carol Wimmer here. It really touched my heart when i first read it through an email sent to me. Here we go...:

WHEN I SAY, "I AM A CHRISTIAN" by Carol Wimmer

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not shouting, "I've been saved!"
I'm whispering, "I get lost! That's why I chose this way"

When I say, "I am a Christian," I don't speak with human pride
I'm confessing that I stumble-needing God to be my guide

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not trying to be strong
I'm professing that I'm weak and pray for strength to carry on

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting that I've failed and cannot ever pay the debt

When I say, "I am a Christian," I don't think I know it all
I submit to my confusion asking humbly to be taught

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible but God believes I'm worth it

When I say, "I am a Christian," I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartache which is why I seek His name

When I say, "I am a Christian," I do not wish to judge
I have no authority--I only know I'm loved

Copyright 1988 Carol Wimmer

of fitting rooms, jed and hair

I don't understand how and why some of the bigger sports shops in Queensway do not have fitting rooms. I asked one of the shop owners why this was so, and he said that one of the reasons is because it gets really crowded during the weekend and customers would/might throw stuff around after trying them on. (how would he know since he has never had a fitting room in his shop?!) Also, they want customers to buy the merchanise.

I'm thinking: SHEESH. That is such a lazy way to go about things and it coerces customers into buying the clothes without being able to make an informed choice about a piece of clothing.

But then, he also said that when it gets crowded, it makes stealing easier for shoplifters. This is highly possible, seeing as how the space within shops in queensway can get really squeezy when the shoppers arrive. He didn't say how, but i assume he means that people can slip stuff into their bags easily. (how is that related to not having a fitting room again? Queensway = small =too crowded = bad security = theft? It's not as if other shops around Singapore don't have this problem... and they still can afford to have fitting rooms. Someone please enlighten me.)

Honestly, as a picky and careful shopper that also likes to have everything in the shop, i want to make sure that i buy only the things that i really want. And that can happen only when i get to try the clothes first before making a purchase. Bleah.

Anyhow, the guy (whom i suspect is the boss) at first said that i had to buy the pair of pants first before i could come back and change it if the size did not fit. (do these people not realize that it's NOT just all about size? there's also the case of fitting!!!) But just as i was going to pay for it, he said to me: "You want to try first?" I gave him a pitiful expression and a silent nod. So he took my IC for insurance and let me off to the loo. Well. I liked it, thankfully, and bought it after all. He later informed me that the other guys in the shop wouldn't have allowed anyone to try the stuff if he wasn't around. Ah well.

I have concluded that i will silently take stock of roughly what queensway has in their stores. Then i'll just head to the upmarket places to see what they have and try on the stuff and record the sizes i fit. If there are matches, then i'll head to queensway, because obviously the discounts are better. What's a customer to do, so as not to be duped?

***

I was walking Jed yesterday around my estate when a girl from ACS (International) came by. She slowed down to a stop beside me, looked down at Jed and i could feel her drawn very strongly to him and i could almost see her heart smiling. She bent over to let Jed sniff her hand for a moment or two. I can't remember if she tried to touch him or not. But she soon got up again and smiled at me.

With a grin, i said to her: He's cute, isn't he?
Girl: *smiles back* Yeah...
And she walks away, glancing back at him from time to time.

This seemingly insignificant moment sets me musing for a couple of reasons. I remember that not long ago, someone wrote to the papers that it was rude for strangers to pet someone else's pet without asking first. I agree somewhat. First things first, the stranger doesn't know if the dog will bite or if they are scaring it. Secondly, they shouldn't assume that all owners aren't paranoid about strangers touching their dogs. Thirdly, well, it's just plain courtesy. I'm sure you don't go around anyhowly touching people's babies on the streets.

But anyway for me, i don't have much against doggy touch-ers. I get annoyed only with people who don't have a clue about the nature of dogs and their behaviour and therefore attempt to do stupid things to the dog. Any of which might get the dog defensive/fearful/aggressive, etc. I really appreciated how that girl allowed Jed to sniff her hand first. It was non-threatening and kind to him. Ok, and i also appreciated the she bothered to look at the owner of Jed after she tried to make friends with him. haha.

Everything about her behaviour also hinted that she is either an animal lover or a dog lover. Why? Ha, because i act the exact same way... hurhur.

Secondly, for those who know me, you would know that i have a strange fear of people, even the most harmless of sorts. Like children?!
So yeah, when the girl looked up at me, i was like: "oh no, oh no, what do i say? So awkward to just like keep quiet and smile at her right... Like, SO PSYCHO."

With the split second calculation in my brain, i blurted out candidly, just like i would to a friend, about how cute Jed is. (haha, i was amused big time at my thickened skin.) And she replied in a friendly and open way as well.

Ok, hardly a big deal i know, but i see this is a minor victory in my quest to be less tongue tied in spontaneous situations, and more comfortable with strangers in general. Because you see, in my line of work in future, i will be meeting strangers ALL the time!

***

I recently, erm, "installed" hot pink streaks into my hair. Actually, i wanted baby pink streaks but the shop didn't have em. They said that the hot pink would fade into a lighter pink and i bought the claim. So... hence, my ah-lian pink streaks.

I is liking them a lot! Except that i wished i could rearrange the positions of the streaks. But i can't do that unless i have the tools. Apparently, the hair is real and comes from girls in China who sell their long hair for money, so that they can pay for their school fees.

Rather interesting and kind of sad. It paints a picture of poverty, directly against indulgence. Yet, they gain and we gain as well, hence everyone is happy. But i wonder how much they are paid in exchange for their hair. I mean, hair takes ages to grow and once they chop off their locks, it'll be a long time before they can make some money out of it.

These gnawing negative feelings inside me refuse to go away. They are resisting and are resistant. It's as if i've forgotten how to be happy anymore with the one person i should be happy with. If only something could be done to change history, or that if the person could just do/say/admit SOMETHING, so that my heart would stop feeling so heavy with hurt. But i can't even think of anything that can be done, because, the damage has already been done and exposed, and all that SEEMS to be possible, is for time and common sense to sink in. And for forgiveness to be given. But i can't. Not yet. I'm still angry, i'm still hurt, i'm still SO FREAKING PISSED with males.

You should have seen the way i was scowling the other day. People on the streets were taking second looks at me, and i suspect that i was scowling way too hard for a normal human being.

There is no peace in my heart and although i am functioning as per normal, i know that at the back of my mind, there is unresolved business that can't be resolved immediately, and there is hate and bitterness swirling about.

I've been trying to think logically and rationally. Trying to piece together the facts and trying to place myself in the person's shoes. Trying to be an understanding person. But nothing seems to help. I'm so consumed by disappointment, anger, disgust, hate, hurt, that my reasoning has become hazy. It's as if the only emotions i can feel for men right now are all these.

I feel like i need to walk away.

In 1 hour's time, i shall be in a dance studio having my first pilates class ever. I never would have thought that i'd be taking this up! Hopefully, i won't find it too slow and unstimulating...

I am still into my running but well... am thinking of doing something less focused and impactful on my lower body. Next up, i shall be searching for kickboxing classes.

To run?

Shall I sign up for it? At least it gives me something to train for and look forward to... For now, i'm running/walking distances of 4 to 5 km whenever i exercise and am doing it at an easy pace. Though i can handle it physically, i'm practically dragging my feet along. Though keeping fit is part of my lifestyle, i need something to perk me up mentally!

Here's the deal:

Saucony 100plus PAssion Run 2008

Event Info

Date: 8 June 2008, Sunday
Venue: East Coast Park, E2 (Angsana Green)
Time: 0630hrs – 1200hrs
(Each category will flag-off at different time. You are required to look at the Race Category Table you have registered)

Race Categories:-

Competitive:
Men's and Women's Open - 15km,
Men's and Women’s Open - 10km (think of doing this one),
Men's and Women’s Veteran - 10km,
Men's and Women’s Junior - 10km.

Non-Competitive:
Fun Run (5km)

Each participant of the Saucony 100PLUS PAssion Run will receive:

1. Runner's Tag
2. Champion Chip for the latest and most accurate timing (ONLY for Competitive runners and need to return after the run)
3. PA PAssion Card (ONLY for Non PA PAssion Holder)
4. Two unique gifts,
5. One Lucky Draw ticket.
6. A Saucony 100PLUS Passion Run Finisher Medal
7. A Saucony 100PLUS Passion Run Personalised Finisher Magazine with their photo and timing printed (For Competitive Category Only).
8. An exclusive Event's tee worth $26.90 for all Competitive and Non-Competitive runners

If anyone wants to run with me, say so k?

"icannotstoplaughingandsquealing" videos

These are two videos that got me laughing and laughing, OR, squealing and squealing!

"Baby Beagle learning to howl"
To squeal, press play:


"Hedgehog crunching on something and makes the most hilarious of expressions!"
To laugh, press play and observe:

You know... My heavenly dad is quite cheeky.

While i was on my way to church last night for band practice, i was lamenting to Gem about how i wish i had a "chaffuer" to drive me home later after practice. *he raised his eyebrows to that*

I said that the only "chaffuers" around were the blue ones on the road that you have to share with hundreds of other people. I was just wishing that i could somehow teleport myself home after practice because i was feeling quite tired from my long day out, starting with my job interview in the morning. I then went on to forget about what i had said once i reached church.

After practice, Sharon, one of the vocalists from my band, briefly caught up with me about my plans to further my studies. Then she asked me if i wanted a ride home since it was on the way back for her. I was hesitant at first because i was wondering if i was imposing on her and hubby. But she was insistent and so welcoming that i agreed to hop into their car.

It was only when i was walking to the lift lobby of my home that i realized i was zipped home in a matter of minutes, and i realized that God had really provided me a quick ride home in a comfy car!

Ok, i'm not saying her hubby was a chaffuer, but you get what i mean lah.

Cute, huh. And then it made me reflect on how like, i didn't exactly say, "God, i would like a ride home tonight". All i did was complain and left it as that, and even forgot about it throughout practice.

Now i realize that God is interested even in the most ordinary of things in my life and he is willing to provide for me, his daughter. One point here is that I shouldn't rely on my human strength (like, "oh well, no chaffuer lor, so sian... ok lor, i will just tahan la, i can one...") and wisdom ("aiya, you think God will bother?"). I should remember that God is always for me, and that i should turn to God all the time for all my needs, big or small. And it's OKAY to be open about being weak, and let God do the providing. Just ask. The other point is: God should take up a BIGGER portion of my attention in my life! I should see him in the every day activities and in every moment.





ps: now... about that Canon SLR from the Spectacle Hut Lucky Draw........

I read an article written by a teenager on the topic of thinness (in yesterday's "Mind Your Body" newspaper) and i COMPLETELY SEETHED when i read that her boyfriend told her that "he would like her better if she were more toned." I tell you...

I think guys like that really should just go and...

GROW UP, IMMATURE and SHALLOW EXISTENCE!

Well, that's just MY opinion.
Oh yeah, and dump him please. He's too toxic for any girl's self esteem.

I managed to get an interview for a job at YMCA (everybody sing, "WWAII--MM--SEE AYEEE!!!) *ahem*

Yeah, anyway, i applied to a few places and this one responded first. I personally am more interested in the job at The Salvation Army because of the more sporty element. But i suppose this one is a bit more "meaningful", since i can concentrate on the individuals.

This is the ad from the Singapore Association for Counselling website:

YMCA Project Bridge has a vacancy for the below post:
Position: Counsellor/Youth Worker

YMCA Project Bridge is an outreach center (a stone's throw away from Woodlands MRT Station) with the goal of reaching out to Out-of-School Youths (OSYs) and Youth at Risks (Y@R) aged from 13 to 19.

We are looking for an individual with the PASSION to reach out to these youths and guide them back on the right track.

If you have what it takes contact Mr Isaac Lim @ 96450433 or email to isaaclim@ymca.org.sg

Job Requirements:
• Recognized Degree / Graduate Diploma in Counseling
• Experienced with OSYs or Y@R Preferred.
• Able to work with all races of youths.
• Confident in taking up individual casework or group work.
• Able to conduct programmes and activities.

Yup. I'm of the opinion that, it's ok whether i get or don't get the job. I believe strongly that when i submit my will and life to God, He will open and close the right doors. So, yes! Trying not to be too anxious about it. Just do my best and be myself.

I need to recall all the stuff i've done in the past too in case my interviewer asks me some difficult/reflective questions!

I returned home after a chinese new year dinner at a family friend's home and promptly konked out on my bed while waiting for the shower heater to heat up the water. As i was dozing away, i suddenly began to hear music coming from my radio (i think it was some guitar music from one of my intrumental CDs) and then i saw my dad was sitting at the foot of my bed and he said to me: "Mm, this is quite a nice way to relax after a day..."

I then thought: "Hm, odd..." (because the scene was kinda fuzzy) and then i proceeded to ask my dad: "Do you exist?" (HAHA, what a question) And then i reached out for his foot to see if it was actually solid and whether it was real to the touch. As i pulled on his toe, his leg started ELONGATING! Like, stretching as i pulled!

It was then when my mind registered "I am dreaming", and for some reason, my body began to try to wake up from slumber. I felt my eyes struggling to flit open (they were opening and closing repeatedly), the lids were heavy and my mind seemed like it was zooming out from the dark realm of dreams to reality as we know it. I felt tingling in my right fingers, which were the fingers that were "pulling my dad's toe". I think they were the first body parts that were awakening.

It was such a strange experience because most of the time, we tend to wake up naturally, a smooth transition from unconsciousness to consciousness, such that we don't find ourselves struggling to wake up. But through this experience, i found that i was actually conscious of the process of waking up.

Ha. Like i've always said, somehow my body knows when i need to wake up to bath, brush my teeth, etc. I usually don't sleep right through to the morning when my body knows that I've not done my usual cleansing regime before i retire for the night. Somehow, it'll wake up on its own.

***

Last night, my dad, mom, Jed the dog and i came home from our 4+km walk-a-jog and then had a nice steamboat dinner together. Seeing that Jed had a share of exercise and that he was begging for food, my mom/dad said, "can we at least give him some vegetables to eat? He must be hungry." (he is allowed only one meal a day)

And then just as s/he finished that sentence, a few stalks of raw vegetables fell from the basket that was containing it, onto the table top and onto the floor (where Jed could get it).

Odd huh? *chuckle*

I cannot even put in eyedrops for the life of me, so today when i went to the optician, i was freaking and whining a little. Gem prayed for me outside the shop and i braved the entrance into the shop to say that i was there to collect my lenses.

It's enough to say that i gave the optician and her other helper a hard time, but surprisingly, i took 1 1/2 hours, which was way faster than i thought i would've taken. But i had my fair share of frustration, helplessness, fear, pain and just pure annoyance. I managed to place the contacts into both eyes and went home spectacleless. It was an odd, odd feeling. Things were mostly clear but it wasn't 100% clear, and it somehow alternated between clear and blur, depending on how the lenses shifted in my eye. It wasn't a very nice feeling at all. :-( I'm thinking it's because the astigmatism in my left eye is mighty high.

When i came home, Gem stood by me while i tried to get used to removing the lenses and placing them in again. This time, i really flew into a frustrated tantrum. Which was... = Sulking, whining, slamming things, getting really edgy, impatient, declaring "I HATE IT, WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER!". Gosh. You know, only people i consider family would see this side of me. It was really ugly, i tell you. I really gave Gem "hell"! But him being the super boyfriend, he was nothing but loving, patient and kind. Amazing, seriously. I was getting flustered also because my eyes were tired from all the abuse and the eyeballs were turning red and became itchy at one point.

I managed to remove both sides after coming home, but failed to put them in again. Strangely, when Gem left for home, i managed to put in and remove the lenses twice for my right eye, and once for my left eye. Which was a mighty fine sudden improvement. What really helped was that i decided to mechanically follow the optician's instructions step by step, moving my hands robotically, and in my head i was chanting: "Putting contact lenses isn't painful, it's normal, and simple, slowly... just keep still, relax, and put it in." Somehow, putting things into the perspective that putting on contacts is a common everyday occurence seemed to do the trick of tricking my mind into thinking that putting contacts in was the most normal thing in the world for me.

Hopefully, i will be able to remember what and how to do it all over again. It was really a nightmare getting just one lens into one eye! Gotta sleep soon, to give my tired eyes some rest.
Thank you Gem, you're amazing.

I think i look... like the same old me just without my glasses. It's not like you can see that i'm wearing my contacts! Heehee.

whee!

Today, i did something i thought i'd never be doing this soon... (i thought i'd only try it when i get hitched)
(er, when i read that above line for the second time, i realized it sounded a bit WRONG. HAHAHHAHA.) Aiya, quite innocent lah, don't think too far.

I bought... CONTACT LENSES.

Ok, not a big deal in this day and age when practically everyone has tried it at least once unless you've got perfect eyesight.

But for me, i've always had an issue with fiddling with my eye and the area around the eye. So, the thought of putting something into my eye and then taking it out via a PINCHING action is pretty darn squeamishy. *shiver*

There was once when i went to an eye doctor regarding a stye in the underside of my eyelid. He wanted to take a look at it, so he sat me down and tried to flip up my eyelid with some CAVEMAN PIECE OF TOOL, aka, A PAPER CLIP?! Yeah, so i sat there with this crude piece of thing approaching my eye and i just balked. A few times. So he gave up and started to tell me what i should do to resolve the stye. And i was on the verge of crying because there i was, feeling so helpless, scared and pathetic, and yet i was this 22 year old buffalo afraid of some painless prodding.

I felt really bad about not being able to allow him to examine me, so I told him i'd let him try again. In the end, he finally flipped up my eyelid and i sat there rigid and tense and hoped for it to be over soon. It wasn't too bad really. I just had to just... well, steel myself.

Anyway, since i've invested some $204 into this, it's all or nothing... or i could exchange all of it for a spanking new pair of glasses. Hurhurhur. (the easy way out)

Right, got to work tomorrow, so it's off to bed. the last time i had a dream about contact lenses, i dreamt that it was like putting huge pieces of scotch tape into me eyes! Now... wearing contacts is going to be a reality. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I really never thought i'd be bothering to buy them!

My optician was this super chatty (but quite nice) girl. I can't reveal too much here to protect her identity, but yeah. We hit it off somewhat due to a common portal we walked through at some point in our lives. She seems to have faith that i'll be fine with the whole contact lense wearing process. HO BOY. Wait till she has to actually deal with me then we'll talk!

Two more weeks, and it'll be hello contacts, hello spectacleless joline! Woo!

(i feel so silly raving about this when people have moved onto Lasik already. Hurhur. Oh well.)

Many problems arise because the root of the issue lies in insecurity.

Have you asked yourself these questions: Just what is it, in this world, that has robbed so many, so many, of us, of our security? Where have we invested our trust to keep our sense of security safe? Why is the issue of insecurity so acute and widely proliferate?