Am really upset because after two successful normal growths of my upper wisdom teeth, my bottom one is impacted, ie, growing at an angle, and in my case it is horizontal. :-(

This means i cannot escape the pain of either, 1. pulling it out OR, 2. minor surgery (open gum, fragment tooth, take out the pieces, sew gum back) If you leave an impacted tooth alone, you create a crevice that traps food and that may lead to an infection. *sigh*

Strangely as i'm having these wisdom teeth woes, two other people i know are also going through it at the same time!

10 Random short talks

1.
I was surprised by some of my past blogpost drafts. By my way of expression, the things that i felt, some thoughts and feelings that i don't even remember going through. The sad part is that because of the potentiality of public publishing, i wasn't explicit with the causes of my outpourings. So as i read them again, i don't quite get my own posts. Haha. Bleaghhhh to political correctness, which this PG blog is too good at.

2.
If you're wondering about the state of emotional affairs, i'm now in repair mode. Still very fragile, kind of raw, repairing... but very slowly. That said, altar ministers who really listen to what the Holy Spirit has to say to the recipient are super zhun man! I was greatly blessed on Good Friday. :-)

3.
Now, i've got a purple bag, a purple wallet and a purple phone. I suppose you could say my favourite colour is purple.

4.
Factory Outlet Shop is a great place to shop if you have the time and tolerance for the other ugly (what-were-the-designers-thinking!? types) clothes.

5.
I wish that some people would be more tolerant of others who are considered different from them. Instead of gossiping, making fun of, complaining, finding fault and behaving like general poots, why not do something more humane like trying to get to know these people. We're all from the same human race after all, so what makes you any better than anyone else?

6.
Fighting many personal wars in my head and heart. Unfortunately, these wars stop me from surrounding myself with good things.

7.
Muscular is me. With regular runs and gymming, i lose some fats but i've effortlessly gained muscle mass (and hence the weight). Oh well.... Guess I should've been born as a guy instead.

8.
Last night, I dreamt about my essay regarding the assessing of depressive and bipolar disorders, as well as buying therabands from SGH. You can obviously tell what my current wants are.

9.
I cannot believe i didn't jump at the chance of buying a digital piano. Well... instead of replacing my out-of-tune acoustic piano with a smaller digital, i'd rather ADD a digital. I would miss the resonance of my acoustic if i sold it off.

10.
Hello XL! Are you voyeuring away? Heh heh heh. Say HI lah!

Blessed Easter

"In the heart of Africa, it is related by an Englishman, that a slave procession passed by, and the king called out to a poor slave who displeased him in some little way, ordered his men to put their arrows to their bowstrings and avenge the offense with his blood.

He went up to the native chief and begged for the poor slave's life, offered him a great deal of money and costly bribes, but the chief turned to him and said: "I don't want ivory, or slaves, or gold; I can go against yonder tribe and capture their stores and their villages; I want no favours from the white man; all i want is blood.

Then he offered one of his men to pull his bowstring and discharge an arrow at the heart of the poor slave. The young man, with the instinct of a moment, threw himself in front and held up his arm, and the next moment the arrow was quivering in the flesh of his own arm. The black man was astonished.

Then he pulled the arrow from his arm, and the blood flowed, and he said to the chief: "Here is blood; here is my blood; I give it for this poor slave, and i claim his life." The native had never seen such a spectacle before, and he was completely overcome by it. He gave the slave to the white man. He said:"Yes, white man has bought him with his blood, and he shall be his."

In a moment the poor slave threw himself at the feet of his deliverer, tears flowing down his face and said:"O, white man, you have bought Lebe with your blood (Lebe was his name), Lebe shall be your slave forever and ever." And ever after he could not make him take his liberty; wherever he went poor Lebe was beside him, no drudgery was too hard, no task too hopeless. He was bound by the mercy of his deliverer as his consecrated servant.

Friends, if a poor savage heart can be won by the wound of a stranger's arm, how about the deeper wounds in those two living hands and feet?"

- extract from the Prayer Vigil Guidebook, COOS. Original source not known.

Lord, you indeed were that stranger who extended your willing arms for me. I don't ever want to forget the history that you made on that very real cross, for all the sins of the world that you bore on yourself that fateful day, your innocent blood that redeems us from the death that we must die because of our sins. That you have already conquered the world, and that nothing can separate us from the love of God once we choose to follow you.

Can't.Get.Portobello.Mushroom.And.Cheese.Image.And.Taste.Out.Of.Head.

It's.12:08am.Craving.Craving.Craving.Craving.

Need.Something.Salty.Body.Is.Saying.

Old papers

Taking a break from staring at my lappie screen, i took a nice long stretch against the back rest of my study chair.

And i glanced up at my 3 shelved cupboard that still houses all the school work done in my past academic years, mostly from my junior college days, save for one biology file from my secondary 4 syllabus. Coloured files in yellow, black, blue and red, grey, papers chucked in between them in some order of subjects, thick textbooks that were seldom referred to but were there to give a sense of reassurance that information was within easy reach.

All of them speak silently and daily, reminding me (only when i take the time to look at them) of all the toil, tears (<-- seriously) and frustrations of the old, the failures and triumphs.

And i realize that i may very well bring all of them with me till... We'll never really know. Perhaps for as long as i can keep them.

It's too difficult to throw them all away, for sentimental reasons. Though I can't make sense out of whatever i read in them anymore (esp. chemistry) but somehow, these chunks and stacks of papers with my own handwriting scrawled all over in attempts to solve sums and problems, to write logical essays without smoking through them, every dot and scribble - they were a part of my thoughts, and of me, back then.

Mundane as they look sitting high up there above my head as i type my essays to be handed in to tutors from university, these representatives are from one of the hardest periods in my life, emotionally and mentally, will always bring back the nostalgia no matter where i am in life.

With each passing year, i grow more attached to these physical "relics", serving as triggers and cues for me to be able to recollect the memories of those days past.

Why is it that i refuse to let go of the memories of hard times and the things that transport me back to it? Is that a seeming rule that applies to people in general, i wonder.

I guess hard times were when you saw yourself put to the test, to see what you were made of, to show yourself and unknowingly others as well, who you were when situations become pressing and hard to bear. It's during those times when you see yourself stumble through weaknesses, grappling for help or just sticking it through, even growing and discovering new strengths and revelations.

You get to see who among you are the people you can or cannot depend on, and sometimes our search leads us to become jaded, indifferent or even more hopeful. Quite obviously, tough times are never a walk in the park and when we eventually emerge from the shadows, we step out with battle wounds that leave a deep impression, and scars to remind us of the tale, to either tell of or hide it. We come out of it knowing that something profound happened inside of us.

Which is probably why we never, or find it hard to forget tough times. They're somewhat useful bittersweet tools, becoming fuel for anger that continues to burn inside, times we laugh or grimace over on hindsight, the experiences that we look back upon to see how far we've come in our personal growth, the basis from where we glean some of our most intimate lessons from.

A post for the girls

*mumble*
What do i get for wearing my really pretty Bysi skirt to work on tuesday? Ruthless mosquito bites on my otherwise scar-free thigh! Cheekopek mosquitoes. >8-(
Pffftt.

***

Sorry ah guys, i've warned you already, this is a post for the girls, so it's going to be either super hilarious to you, or super boring. Hoho. :-)

I don't know why i'm doing this, but man, i wanna share information!

After years and years of searching and spending my meager student's savings on products that REALLY improve the skin and keeps it that way, it has finally culminated and resulted in these 3 bottles.






(1) Cellnique Pro-Sebum Gel: $69.90
The product that really improved the condition of my skin dramatically. Not that my face resembles a baby's butt though. But after using it daily for a week plus, pimple outbreaks are close to zilch, reduced blackheads, skin feels more smooth and supple. Not KIDDING. And no bribery either. Can be used on its own or with (2).

(2) Olay Total Effects Serum: forgot price
I used to use it on its own overnight. Not bad, but i suspect that it would work better if you don't have oily skin like me. Skin became supple but no change for pores. Now, i use it with (1) and it's optimum this way so far.

(3) The Body Shop, Vitamin C Skin Boost: $36+
I'm not sure how great this is yet since skin has already improved from using (1). Because it's a recent addition i haven't used it for very long too, so i can't see obvious differences. But still, i think that skin needs Vit C, so i'll be using this. I like the fact that it's a serum and not a cream. Cream tends to make my face oily, clogs up my pores and causes zits.

Ok, i think the only thing i've missed out here is my face wash, which is the L'Oreal Pure Zone scrub. What i would love now is for the scars to lighten...
So there you have it! Please tell me if my complexion still sucks though, i don't want to be a Happy Deluded. Hur hur.

Had a birthday dinner with my library gang members yesterday! I can no longer say "library gang girls" as a default term because the gang now consists of one husben and one boyflen liao. How times have changed and moved along.

Anyway, my Diva, hope you enjoyed yourself! ;-P (despite the miscomm and my annoyed rumblings...)

Some (limited space and time, i'm sorry) of the photos are up on our yahoo group for viewing!

***

After the relatives left for the land across the straits, peace and quiet is once again restored to the home, and there's more space to move about in. Hur. It was fun while they were here, and i've discovered that i'm not that bad with children after all!

(case in point: when niece was crying from being in an unfamiliar environment and was calling for her granny, i went to her, held and soothed her, and she actually stopped crying. :-) I'm so pleased with myself. But then again, maybe she stopped crying because she wanted me to get away from her asap... Why? Because i was in my post-exercise gear which was reeking of Super Stink of the Century. heh heh.)

That said though, my niece is an intelligent 4 year old girl and is easy to talk to, so it wasn't too hard to get along with her. For now, i'm ok with kids who aren't the maddening frisky types.

After some introspection and reflection, i realize that one of the reasons why i dislike (or disliked? I'm still learning...) children was because i used to hold the perspective that they were innately wicked beings, and from there, it's easy to think horribly of them, get irritated by them and to find fault with them. But if you choose to see them as innocent little humans in need of nurturing, they definitely become more loveable.

Well, i choose to see them in both lights, but most importantly, i'm trying to love them, whoever they may be and however they come packaged as.

Another reason why i've always resented children (and hopefully this will be a thing of the past) stems from my own past of intense feelings of jealousy and neglect when my parents didn't give me the attention i wanted. This was especially so when there was another baby in the room. I grew to hate babies and young children with a vengeance, because all the love and attention was lavished on them, and i was pushed aside because "i was big already, no need to be baby-ed". Whenever the topic of having another sibling came up, i would SCREAM, CRY, and say nasty things to my parents.

I remember clearly how i always complained about not getting the affection i wanted. Yes, i actually used the word "affection" to my parents, even as a young kid.

While i still get caught in the darkness of my past bitter experiences, i'm on a journey to learn to soften my heart towards children, to appreciate them in totality, in their stages of development, to see them less as perfectly formed and informed monsters and more as little humans who need to be taught. I know for a fact that some behaviours of children are definitely NOT kind, and may even border on intended evil (trust me, i KNOW.) but that's because their actions are uncontrolled and not regulated by the "right/acceptable belief systems".

My dad and his friend drove 12 miles for...

I missed his call on my phone, so when i returned it, i was informed that he was on the way home and had with him an unopened box of "Krispee Krips" (<-- i quote dad). You cannot imagine how happy his two daughters were. I've heard so much about it but never had a taste. But oh man... this is the holy grail of all sinful doughnuts.

(above) "Krispee Krips"! (which dad left unopened for 2 days till he came home) All the way from the States! WOOHOO!
(It's CRAZY sweeet though... but still, who wants to be my good friend now? ;-P)

*Drool*

My dad is such a sweetie! Although on a business trip, he took some time off to drive to Washington to buy these doughnuts that his daughters were blabbering about. When i get older and have the spending power, i shall pamper my dad too. But that aside, i'm sure that as age catches up, the thing that would make him and mom happy is when we choose to spend time with them despite managing our own lives before God takes them home.

Currently, my home is housing representative members from 4 generations. For fear of being branded "the strange daughter" (not that i'm not, but it wouldn't do for everyone to know now, would it?) i have restrained myself from asking everyone to line up in a row to see how genetics has worked. And well, for the simple fun of seeing relatives all standing in one row, and taking a snapshot.

The next best, and perhaps the more socially acceptable method would be to resort to the less obvious: of snapping when everyone is seated down eating together.

Anyways, i am so dead right now. Essay is due next tuesday, i haven't begun writing, i need one week to write a decent essay but my net time available is NOT one week. T_T
I'm so relying on God to sustain my concentration, my writing skills and thought processes.

Wanted to post up the pictures of ACJC, but i couldn't get down to the editing fast enough... and i'm at the clinic working today. Oh well.

Observations of the day (so far):

1. Babies/Children are puke reservoirs that have deadly aim.

2. Baby puke is way better (less destructive to everyone) than adult puke.

3. Baby's father was just AWESOME in handling the situation and his child, despite having to deal with being in a populated bus, the jerky bus ride, baby puke all over his work clothes and cleaning up the mess (even the puke on the FLOOR!).
I salute him big time. He was calm, collected, polite to the people around him and still loving towards his little toddler. His wife (who wasn't there) would be so proud. :-)

4. I couldn't help but feel a sense of identification and endearment (<--weird i know!) when i let my gaze shift slowly from person to person as they were catching their 40 winks on the way to work on the bus this morning. I just felt like we were all in this system of life together, of having to work for a living and trying to make good in each of our lives.

5. My new Bysi skirt that i'm wearing now at work is very pretty. (got it at a sale, 2 skirts at $23!) Thank goodness D and i walked by Bysi that day at IMM. ;-D

6. I hate the feeling of being sleepy at work. Especially when you are the ONLY frontdesk person around. You're the first person clients see when they walk in, and you're the first person your boss sees when he steps out from his office. You can imagine how horrifying it is to be caught sleeping on the job! You feel imprisoned and you can't escape for the next few hours. The only way is to either msn (if you have kind friends) or drink water. The sleepiness hits bad after lunch, and more so when you're attempting to read your textbook.

This's all for now!

My Jed(i) Master

Just a silly picture to bring some cheer to anyone out there who's feeling sad (like myself).

His full name's actually Jedidiah, fyi.

(Many thanks to mom's floor mat and clothes clip, and Jed who miraculously stood stonestill while we guffawed and went positively trigger happy)

I'm amazed at the extent of hurt that i feel right now, and especially so when the hurt is caused by someone i care about.

Imagine having a secret and concealed vulnerable spot about yourself suddenly exposed and blasted down with a bazooka, leaving you... well, with nothing. Not even nakedness.

You might think that it's trivial. But such "trivial" things have much deeper roots, and you have just discovered it. And possibly at a price.

Because of what you have done, you've succeeded in giving me back my fuel and substantiated one of the reasons why i will always detest men. Some have spoken earlier to me about letting go and forgiving, and i almost thought i could. BUT WOW, congratulations, you have ignited again and fanned my hatred.

But when i awoke today, i knew that i couldn't possibly care any less about consciously changing myself for you. I really don't care, and i won't even try to. Even in wanting to reach my goals? I do so but only for myself, not you. I refuse to give you the pleasure of getting what you thought about. Because you don't deserve it.

Despite my resolve, i know that deep down inside, you have already destroyed what little strength and confidence that i've built over the years in dealing with my weakness. You have snuffed it out entirely. I cannot even accept myself right now for who i am. I cannot even stop the echoing of your condemning voice in my head.

If this's not a crime for coming close to killing a part of someone's spirit, i don't know what else is.

Daddy God has done it again.. Muah haha. He surprises me even in the little things, and i love it.

A while ago, i realized that i had TOTALLY forgotten where my 512MB SD card was. I was looking high and low for it, and it wasn't in the place where i had last seen it. I sat down and tried to picture the likeliest place that it could be in, but i had NO recollection at all. NONE.

I'm alone at home, so i said out loud: "God... Where IS my SD card? I have NO recollection of it whatsoever..."

And guess what... in about 1-2 seconds, a clear picture of the Canon's camera pouch popped into my mind. I was like: "Oh YEA HOR! It might be in there cos i placed it in there for the ROM photo taking." So i grabbed it and excitedly rummaged through it and tadah! Found my SD card!

Heehee, Daddy God, you're the bestest lah. *hug*

***

Total field day man... I was wiped out by 9:30pm (and thus missed HALF of Prison Break! Rahh). Thank God it was a nice hot day, and rain didn't get in the way of my photo and video taking plans.

I found out that Mr P Cheong has since moved to teach at the land of white and green. Shocking, i know. But he apparently felt so strongly about things that were going on (or not going on) in ACJC that he left. :-(
That says a lot for someone who's been teaching there for years and is an old ACS boy himself.

Pictures up perhaps next week. Most aren't too interesting for general viewing but they hold personal significance for old school mates and myself.

***

Are there any better ways to burn fat than by running? I'm getting bored of running! I've tried mild versions of aerobics and kick boxing only to slink away from ever doing it again because i look like a complete freaking elephant trying to co-ordinate her flappy ears, swingy trunk and stompy legs. That is, my limbs are ungracefully all over the place.

I like doing strength training, and would love for the, ahem, side benefits to show up. But there'll be no muscles seen if the stubborn layers of fat refuse to budge!

Tomorrow, or technically today, i'll be returning to ACJC (Anglo-Chinese Junior College). To do some video-ing.

Anyway, while i was er, pulling off stray eyebrow hairs, memories of those days when i was student there kept replaying in my mind. I remember how on the very first day of school after the real 'O' levels were out and classes were finalised, i received a badly needed hug from a new friend from my newly allocated class 1SC10 (Germ! Heehee, now a life-long friend) at the entrance of the girl's toilet at the canteen because i was feeling so darn lousy about the day.

Apparently, i was mourning over changes to the norm and i felt very unsettled, generally upset about having new people, new surroundings and having the stress of school and just every THING, lumped altogether. During recess i was honestly close to tears as i sat at the brightly coloured table, and i remember having L (a new friend at the time too, freshly imported from SAJC, but now life-long friend) at my table and she said something like: "Ok, we better stop talking now... or else Joline will burst into tears...". *chuckle*

Just a few (actually a lot) of the things i remember:

- The mad PE lessons,
- the "sacred" 400m running track,
- my first relationship (that taught me a gabillion things) and the late nights, screaming and crying! (lots of it!)
- the kooky teachers,
- the nicknames of class cliques (mine was dubbed the "Library Gang" for obvious reasons),
- the silent disliking of some people (which i hope is now considered childish and non-existent),
- pontanging of classes during exam season,
- failing chemistry and chinese AO over and over,
- chapel (i distinctly remember praying one specific prayer one fine chapel day and guess what, today that prayer stands ANSWERED. Amen!)
- playing the hall's grand! piano! that was temporarily relegated to LT 3 during free periods,
- band practices that i both loved and hated (loved the music, hated the superficial relationships with some band mates)
- the cheapest food ever: yong tau foo
- lousiest and total rip-off food ever: western stall
- staple food: beef hor fun, mixed veg/meat + rice, ovaltine/milo biscuits, yong tau foo, chicken rice, small snack stall
- never tried before food: the "makan bagus" stall (muslim food)
- the highly sought after chicken chop from the cafe at the Sports Complex (that later declined in quality)
- swimming lessons when guys and girls alike felt awkward in their bare minimums (unless you were a swimmer or water polo-er)
- Base Class: 7.12 (dang, or was it 7.14?)
- lots of good looking and ungettable guys
- lots of pretty and (OBVIOUSLY) ungettable girls
- giggling and howling (with laughter) over silly things (which one? too many to remember lah.)

Ok, enough, enough. At least this is a sign that i can still remember my school days which is a relief to me. *phew*

Oh, and then i also realized that....... I was thinking of one particular teacher, who is rich, kind of cute, kooky, eh... probably still unmarried. And it dawned on me that a student of his has already beaten him to the signing on the dotted line. Woah. I think it'll knock his socks off if he ever finds out. If i see him tomorrow, i'll be sure to spill the beans to him. *snortchuckle*

Tra lala, now to ensure that i'm really going tomorrow morning... I need to hit the sack now! *whistle*

7th December 2006

Dear God,

I worked hard, many a hour sitting and dealing with mundane and sometimes challenging tasks.
So when the day came that i looked upon that cream coloured slip with a more-than-usual-amount, i beamed with satisfaction over my due for a week's worth of hard work.

Then i remembered what was due to you, my tithes from my toil and time.
I was however, calculative and dreaded taking out that sum from my hard earned money as a sacrifice and act of worship,
But i did it anyway in obedience.

When saturday arrived, i made sure i had the notes in my pocket, ready to give it out of rightful duty.

But as i counted it and clutched it in my hands awaiting for the bag to come by, i caught myself experiencing a small, and involuntary bubbling sense of joy within my being, as if a shy but gleeful child was looking up, smiling and saying in a soft, sweet voice:
"Father God, i'm so pleased to give this to you. It isn't easy to do this, but as your child, i really want to offer this up to you."

It's so obvious really, but it was only then when i realized and experienced the difference between acting out of duty and acting out of love and reverence, despite the same action arising from the need to obey a commandment.

Thank you for teaching me life's lessons Daddy.

From Your Daughter,
Joline

random jed picks

There was a time when Jed looked silly as a pup when he stood over his water bowl... (one of my favourite shots of him)












But this time, he really DID something silly. He threw his rawhide bone into this waterbowl and couldn't get it out despite repeated attempts of batting at it with his paw. He only succeeded in spilling his water onto the floor.















His water bowl evolution.
From left to right, the first bowl: too lightweight and he began kicking his water over to spill it all over the place. Second bowl: it has got a weighted bottom, but it still didn't stop him from sticking his paw into the bowl and dragging it so that water spills out. Third bowl: You might recognise this one...... It's the "tombok" thingy (you know, the uber heavy stone bowl that probably your grandma or mom uses to mash spices together in) with a plastic bowl sitting inside it. This one proved to be a success and Jed couldn't upset his water bowl anymore. Fourth bowl: his current one, bought cheaply from IKEA, and i think it's prolly cos mom wanted the tombok back.


(experimenting with the cropping borders. i picked this one because it's kinda like the red cross sign) This was taken when Jed went to see the vet for his itchy skin. Hence the Elizabethen collar to keep him from licking the areas of skin with medicine rubbed into it.
I can't get enough of those ears. Teehee.














One of those pictures that make me want to snorgle my face against his and make silly baby cooing noises.















A trip to the dog run where he met one of the many Jack Russells. No, i do not know the guy in pink. Isn't Jed a handsome little munchkin...? He's my handsome little munchkin.

Pweentsop Fun!

I just bought this new software called "The Printshop Deluxe ProPublisher". For some of you who hail from around my, *ahem* generation, you may have had some experience with the earlier versions of The Printshop. I had a nice daddy who bought my sister and i such arty farty stuff to kickstart our creativity and... well, computer geekdom.

(honestly, i'm disappointed that it wouldn't allow me to save a photo with an edited-in border... so i had to do it manually as you can see. And it's no where as nice as the pre-made ones though. *sigh*)

As the years have passed and since kids get older... we buy mostly our own stuff now. So while i was shopping for a nice software thingy to edit photos (the original Adobe Photoshop software is maliciously priced. It's no wonder that people turn to piracy) i came across the now much more advanced version of Printshop! Lala!

And so as i'm glancing through the pre-made cards, familiarising myself with the functions and putting two and two together, i discover: "OH!!! So THAT'S HOW I CAN USE THE APPLICATIONS!" It's quite mind boggling as i sift through the designs and realize how creativity is so unique such that whether or not you get an idea for something is an "all or nothing" concept. The things that you can do seems so infinite (at the moment, to my googly eyes and drooly tongue) as long as you can think of an ingenius design on your own.

I feel as if my ideas-for-xxx are broadening, but yet i also feel like my mind is so boxed in by convention and past experience that it seems hard to not "steal" bits and pieces of already existing ideas.

I awoke today with the knowledge that i've got loads of things to do: Things to research and accomplish for others and myself. It's all good and it's going to keep me busy i guess. Even as i'm thinking of the backlog right now, i can feel the tingle of anticipation running throughout my body to my toes.

Sometimes i inevitably cause myself to panic when i sit down and really count the number of things i'm expected to do, the roles that i'm expected to fulfill and the duties and jobs that i'm suppose to accomplish. It's fun and to some extent i'm enjoying the notion that i've got stuff to engage myself with, but yet i cannot help but wish that i could complete everything instantly with one press of a button.

But it's quite a peaceful day for me so far, in the quiet of the house with Jed sleeping soundly on my bed. Somehow i feel like time is moving at a lovely easy pace. Yet at the back of my mind, a lot of things are poking at me to get my booty moving, but somehow i know it's all under control.
Goal setting and planning is in order for the next few weeks, a month or so.

Guess i'm going to need to get cracking or else this sense of control isn't going to last much longer. Daddy God, thank you for being here with me. :-)

Typing an essay out on a cold and rainy thursday afternoon is a pleasure only if you've got your beloved pet dog nestled in your lap like a hot (and furry) water bottle. Him lying here also helps me stay put in my seat to complete my essay, because i cannot bear to move him and i really needed to finish this essay by today.

Somehow his smelly doggy scent that wafts up my nose is lovely to my "K9 parental senses" and it makes me bend over to koochee him every now and then, which rouses him from his sleep.

This is the longest that he's ever stayed on my lap for a snooze... He's bigger and heavier now and perhaps he doesn't fit as well as before, but times like these bring me back to the days 4 years ago when he was a much smaller little black grub, no bigger than a small cat, who also spent some of his sleeping time curled up on my lap cosily wrapped in cloth as i did my school work at my study table.

***

My dad's who's an old ACS boy got Founder's Day dinner tonight leh. He said that the whole cohort for his year successfully filled two dinner tables. Not bad, i say. How come my SCRUM Network group leader not working one?

Proof that Joline is a Doofus

"Joline" should be placed in the Oxford Dictionary to mean: "scatter brained". Eg. Don't be so joline!

I bought a card, wrote in it, placed it in its envelop, wrote very prettily the name of the recipient, stuck a stamp on the envelope and had it sent on its way to my receiver.

But i didn't write her address on the envelope.

I spent yesterday afternoon venturing around town (Raffles Place) accompanying a young secondary school going youth in snapping shots of what inspired him. (picture a 22 year old bounding beside a 15-16 year old)

It wasn't so much a physically demanding day, but it really was quite a mentally taxing day... In trying to make the whole photo taking outing well meaning, in keeping our conversations fruitful and also in trying not to be push my fuddy-duddy-old-conventional-bore-of-a-nerd personality that i am.

I prayed really hard on the bus... Pleading with God to guide me, to lead me in my words and actions, to shake me from my fears, to just be there with me throughout. For those of you who know me, i'm petrified of people. So you can imagine, i was trembling in my shoes when i had to buddy a youth on my own, of whom i do not know that well, and a youth that's "at risk".

And i really thank Him for being so thoughtful... It was really nice that i was paired up with this guy whom i had the opportunity to talk to for a bit during a previous weekend when we got to the meet the youths for the first time. Oh, and better still, he is from my alma mata. :-D Father God's so funny.

I was quite alarmed initially when my buddy decided to venture off away from the other groups to forge our own photo trail, but the good side to that was he was so self-motivated that i didn't have to worry all that much about having to ride on the enthusiasm of the other groups to evade the issue of slacking or taking "nonsensical" shots. He pretty much led the way and took quite a lot of good pictures. Ah, God knows what i can and can't deal with.

Ah, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it was a breeze to keep some things in check though.

But after the day was done... i was left with so many thoughts. (I realize why i'm such an apathic, and numb person. It's because when i DO feel and think of stuff, i shove them aside because i'm too lazy and afraid to process them. So much so that it's become habitual.)

Because of that bad habit, i really cannot remember much of what i was thinking of, but the most salient thing that has stuck with me from yesterday is this thought: "So now that everything (your volunteer work) is over, what are you going to do from here?"

Now I remember feeling emotionally drained and even relieved that i didn't need to try so hard to drive things along anymore. Like, "Oh man, thank goodness it's over", and sanity returns to my bones.

But then my next thought was: "Is this where it's just going to end? Are you going to let your life revert back to the comfortable and self-centred trundle? Was this just a one time thing? Is this where your so-called 'caring for others' ends?"

I've already seen and heard bits and pieces of what these youths have gone through, and the kinds of lives they live. My educational pathway has brought me through the portals of the good and not so good schools, and i've seen some of the polar ends and different facets of society. Not many, but my horizons are broadening slowly.

I feel challenged by something or someone as i look back on my life and think about what i want to do for life. Many people in the past month or so have posed me THE QUESTION: So what are you going to do in future as a career?

Often, i give the same answer: "I don't know and i'm lost and still discovering." Perhaps an excuse to buy more time to think about what i'm going to do with myself, and perhaps even, more time to NOT think about it.

I'm now trying to look at my life from a macro point of view and i'm asking myself: What has God been putting me through all these years? And through what he's done, who's that completed person at the end of the road that He's envisioned me to be? Who is she and how will she eventually use what she has to serve Him?

I have less than half a year to get some solid options out on paper.

PS: I feel a sense of profound happiness, pride and fulfilment whenever i look at the straw star he made me, and the lollipop he placed into my hands (i cannot bear to eat it, and the ants must NOT get it!). I smile inside when i think back on how in little ways, he showed his care and consideration for me. :-) Thanks L, despite the things in life that you have to bear with, i truly hope that you'll allow God to work in you and change you into the man he wants you to be.

drawing near

This sounds rash but i'll still say it. I want to always be in a state of spiritual brokenness. Because that's the only time when every song i sing and hear makes so much more personal sense and is filled with so much more meaning than when i am feeling as if everything is going my way. It's the only time when i feel closest to God, that when i pray, i pray with a sense of welcoming emptiness, a sense that God is calling and wanting me to draw near to Him to feel satisfied in Him alone, to fill that void.

But can one "maintain" spiritual brokenness? What "causes" that brokenness? Is it a willful decision or a consequence of environmental events?

Implications... Implications... Hmmm...

***

I was speaking with a friend, and she has neatly summed up the kaypoh-ness that i have, which i think can be an occupational hazard in the psychological/counselling line, into a nice euphemism: Kaypoh = Concern.

I like. Heehee.

I very amused.

Courtesy of Death Predictor

It's pretty much nonsense (see, i AM bored) so i tried it multiple times to see what original silliness they can come up with.

Jo: At age 48 you will die fighting the Interplanetary War on Terrorism on Phobos, a moon of Mars.

jo: At age 27 your prototype flying machine will work, and while aloft on its maiden voyage a passenger jet will take you into it's jet engine, and throw you out as a mist.

jo: At age 62 you will die while partaking in a particularly intense meditation session.

jo: At age 39 aliens will abduct you and use your body for *censored, PG rated blog* before dropping you off outside of a local homeless shelter smelling of beer.

The things people come up with and the things bored people do...

Should i be flattered?

A friend just told me that he thinks i'm a "simple and innocent girl", and that when he first saw me, he knew i was "different", that i was the "smart type, good with studies", "and studying to use up time and get a degree". Despite my probing, he certainly didn't add that i was "nice", which i can agree with since i tend to be miss bossy-domineering-loud.

HAHA.

I guess my interpretation of that would simply be... "Nerd."

*snigger*
Besides, it's hardly surprising.

Bored.

Lets see, what am i doing now on the 3rd day of Chinese Noo Yah................

Ever so often i'm going onto the internet to look for anything to entertain me. Checking my two email accounts over and over, checking for blog comments and tags over and over, reading the blogs of other famous so-and-sos in hope to find that they would've updated or that i'd find a new interesting blog to read... er, over and over.

And then i'm doing my abnormal psych essay. And while i'm stoning away, i watch my cute little cursor (a red colour galloping-on-the-spot horse) do its thing on the screen. Sometimes i'd move my mouse to the right so that Mr Red Horse will look like it's running across my screen.

I'm all alone. For now, at least. And i'm glad for the peace right now.

Oh and hey! I've found a really neat video on youtube. I play the flute every now and then, and i suck pretty bad... This is insanely good stuff! Check out the beatboxing, the flutter tongue, the double and triple tongueing, the breathing technique, the lightning quick fingering, super arrangement, man... this guy owns. He even does Sesame Street and Mario Brothers! (personally, i prefer the inspector gadget and mario ones better)



Ok, joline is officially bored. stay tuned for more nonsense from me if you're as bored as me. i bored, i blog, so if u bored u read. hur hur hur.

I've just snagged myself the cutest guy EVAH.

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Ok, his brother in the background in red is seriously cute stuff too... but he's the moodier one lah. Brian is friendlier! (if you click on the photo to enlarge it, you'll be able to see the mister boy in red clearer.)

Here's another picture of him peeling off the wrapper of a cny goody thing.



note: i realized that the pictures just don't cut it... You've got to see the 2 boys real time, and when you do, it's just the ultimate cuteoverload.

Blessed Chinese New Year Everybody! *warm handshake* I know how it's like to go about visiting, it can be fun and tiring, but on the bright side, hey, you're renewing ties lah, and that should be all gooood, yuh? Oh, and i've prepared an ang pao each for both mom and dad. Ssshhh, don't tell. ;-)

Gosh, my boss was so nice, giving us a lunch treat as well as oranges and *gawwsh*, an ang pao too. I'm still soaking in too much reverence and awe to open it. Yes, i'm a silly girl, i know.

In other good news, Adele is now 95% repaired by resident computer master in the home, daddy. For some reason, Adele couldn't access the internet efficiently and it frustrated me quite a bit. Adele's been sort of reformatted, so things are looking much better. *beams*

***

Another person asked me on friday, "Are you mixed?". This time, i asked him what he meant by "mixed", and yeah, he meant Eurasian. So, in light of my observations of the concurrence of certain points of info, i now conclude that my so-called mixed look is a result of my untannable fair skin (gah...) and my fake red-brown hair (dyed one lor).

***

All i want to do after visiting granny tomorrow is to sit down and do my essay!

Going to sleep now. I survived today on only 3plus hours of sleep, and it was a VERY disturbed 3plus hours of sleep throughout. Thank God for bringing me through.

I met this teacher from church a few years back and she said that based on experience and her observation, she can probably see my future career having to do with things of the heart and emotion, while my sister's future career would deal with practical stuff. She's right, so far.

Hmm.

I'm lost with respect to what i want to do in future. Totally. The steadfastness of wanting to join the SPF as an officer has waned in light of recent life experiences. Perhaps i may still work there, but not as a woman in uniform. I can't say for sure still. I'll see where the Lord draws my heart to.

***

Some people have commented that i looked: "mixed". What do people mean when they say "mixed"? Is there a fixed and understood meaning of it in Singapore? From what i know, if someone wanted to say that you looked Japanese, they would say, "You look a bit Japanese." or, "You look like an Indonesian-Chinese". So, what do they mean when they say "mixed"?

Before running off to feel flattered and blogging about how good i feel about myself for having caucasoid features, i must first ask them what they mean by "mixed". Maybe what i have are actually features of their favourite gold fish or their beloved pet chihuahua.

For the record, and to set it straight, i look completely mongoloid. Slits for eyes, fair yellow toned skin, the works.

But i can still daydream. Haha. *snort*

Do you notice how i write the above as if meaning that having caucasoid features are desirable? Ah, food for thought again on the topic again of what beauty is, yo.

***

I spent V Day with thousands of strong silent types, staring down hard at me as i walked by them... They were knowledgable and complicated people, and i certainly couldn't judge their colourful characters by just their covers. I even got to take some of them into a private room to get a piece of them.

Ok, ok... My day was less exciting than you think lah!

I was surrounded by them reference books and then a room full of photocopying machines at the National Library. *wistful sigh*
No pony riding or sky gazing for Gem and i at the moment. Busy, busy we are.

I've been thinking about this for the past two weeks, on whether i should go back to the good old days of standing in the hot sun or pouring rain in a big field, holding a device that would allow me to kill anything or anyone if i ever happen to lose my grip on sanity.

Yeah, i'm talking about archery.

It's been a really sore point to talk about when people ask me if i'm still shooting. It's usually the same response: "no...., not at the moment." said with a pained and almost apologetic look on my face. But the feelings of missing archery has never dulled.

Too many things converged at one point in my life around 1+ years ago which made me take a break from shooting till this day. It pricks my heart when i look at my bow sitting in a corner, unused and collecting dust. There was a time when the leather case was always covered in respectable mud and dirt from the field. Never dust.

I'm still in the midst of arranging my priorities and time alloted to each goal, so in due time i should be able to see if i can slot in alternate sundays for the sport that i fell hook, line and sinker for.

There is always a spectrum of arguments for the for and against... But still. I really like this advert that i got to know about from www.mrbrown.com:



I'm impressed by what Dove is doing, being proactive and in-your-face about challenging the stereotypes of "beauty". You might say that it's a futile attempt to the change the mind of every single person, given how embedded these ideas already are in society in general.

(but note how at different times in history, different norms were present and lauded! So i'm not saying that being skinny IS BAD, i'm just saying that we don't have to let stereotypes govern our judgements.)

But yet, you've got to hand it to them for stepping out and giving a voice and platform for the inner cries of, dare i say, every woman who wants to be seen as beautiful regardless of stereotypes, in a world such as this.

I find it absolutely thought provoking. Quite an age old topic, but it never fails to cause a stir.

I took a little Dove Self-Esteem Quiz, and i must say that it's spoken right into me quite a bit and practically too, so much so that i've actually written it down in my diary. Feels nice to get some advice that actually makes sense. :-)

OH MY GOSH... This is FREAKY. Ok, i was going to write a new post today about how i feel that my writing style in my posts are beyond poetic (erm, "beyond" meaning on the other polar end of the spectrum). My posts sound exactly the way it would if i were talking to you face to face. Nothing flowery, nothing poignant. Just pure straight talk from a straight up honest girl.

Then i remembered that i wrote this "poem" some time ago... And the topic was also about "the way i write".

And GUESS WHAT. I found the post and "poem" and ......................... discovered that it was also written on the 7th of Feb, 2006. EXACTLY ONE YEAR FROM TODAY.

Do my thoughts and emotions occur in a cyclical pattern or WHAT?! I'm doomed to be a boring person!!!!! *screams and runs around in circles*

Tuesday, February, 7th, 2006

Teehee, i'm no poet, but decided to try my hand at one. So here goes...:

To open thy heart before, 'tis a risk i did take,
But somewhere along the line, i realized i risked forsake.
But sometimes the urge becomes so strong,
So I simply just scribble some obscure song.

Such is the silliness of my public blog,
For one who fears getting severely mobbed.
Hence the things i type and publish,
Are mostly selfish, and some just rubbish.

It's for all to see, this online real estate,
But I know not who treads on this slate.
Nevertheless i thank the readers,
Who've often visited as this Vacuum's feeders.

Deep level discourse and embellished writings i have not,
Breathtaking photos, i also boast naught.
Witty lines and flowing expression,
Are more likely non existent than inner suppression.

Then again there was once a time,
When words arrived so clear and fine.
"Eloquent and articulate" were terms i favoured,
Thoughts borne of conceit and pride, they escalatored.

But then Life had a way to suck me out dry,
I open my mouth and nothing would fly.
When i once could slice a person in half,
Now, I'm as docile as a calf.
(ok, maybe not really. edited: but it rhymes. hahaha.)

I look back upon the days of yore,
When suaning people was never a chore.
Though i'm watered down some with more to learn,
A dagger sharp mind, i still do yearn.

Hence often times i feel the evil green,
Creeping and seeking to consume and preen.
But then i think: "I Am Me",
My value, my worth: In the God i can't see.

So i worry less though still plagued at times,
But i remind myself: Don't waste your time;
"I am who i'm meant to be
Says the God who crafts perfectly".

***

Some of the.. eh.. what do you call them? Stanzas? Some of them are a little obscure because i had to compress a long story into 4 short lines. So even i have to stop to recall what i had meant to say when i was fashioning the stanza.

Off to mug... And wonder about how my mind freaks me out sometimes. Ask Gem, he'll tell you about some of my psychic moments. Muah hahahaa.. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

I'm amused that one of the authors of my british written textbooks has "Woodhead" for his sirname. HAHAHAHA. Kayu!

***

ok, i was surprised but i'm happy nonetheless. Singapore won the ASEAN Football Championship! During the (church) band jamming i had on sunday, i overheard one of my mates say to another: "Singapore will win. Definitely." I was tempted to ask him how he could be so sure and whether... God told you ah?

And the Thais were nice throughout, so yay. :-)

I was amused at myself when i leapt to my feet from my reclining position with my arms flailing in the air and screaming like a loony. The goal was sooooooooo sweet i tell you. Flanked by defenders but he slotted the ball in so seamlessly. Awesome...

***

Speaking of "loony-s". Quite a number of years ago when i was in primary school, i went on a trip to Australia with my family. So there i was at the cashier paying for something and being new to the currency, i wasn't sure which coin was which. The nice lady at the cashier said to me, "there, that one with the Loony behind (the coin)".

Unfortunately for Ignorant Me, i didn't know that the bird engraved "on the back" of the coin was called a "Loony". So i was flipping the coin back and forth, looking for a "Loony". And mind you, the other picture on the flipside of the coin was the picture of the Queen.

Teehee, to someone who knew what a loony was, i probably looked like a cheeky kid who was trying to decide who the Loony was.

On hindsight, my rude mind would probably be adding a caption under that incident: "Which one?"
No offence of course, to the Queen.

***

Anyway, i read through the most recent posts and they sound pretty much like the rantings of a very negative and disturbed person. Truth be told, while i may be the pessimist, i'm not dysfunctional! I may be dysfunctional is some ways, but i'm just an ordinary person who needs to rant and here's the best place because i don't need to pester someone out for coffee so that s/he can listen to me, and you can easily click off to a happier website when you feel like it.

Yesterday i went for my first 3km in almost 2 months ever since i came down with the flu. Wasn't all that enjoyable even though i've lost 1kg and should have felt lighter on my feet. Instead, i've lost the light bounce in my jogging step, and the tightness that i used to feel when i was fit was gone. I had to force my lead weight legs to move faster than a brisk walk. My breathing was heavier and i got tired faster. Looks like i've got to work at it all over again. Man, getting sick messes up your health.

It's only been 2 months since the standard chartered run, but it feels like almost 6 months ago!

Lots of things lined up for me this month. Good friend has left Sg, trying to get into the role of being a buddy leader in cell without cell group meetings, involving myself in Spectra365 that'll require all my wit, heart and soul, getting school work done, doing stuff for a close friend's important day, thinking about my band and how to make things better for them. Even Gem and i haven't spoken a lot. Did someone say "how about V Day?" Probably going to be non-existent.

Tell me how not to be knackered... Mentally and emotionally. And some say spiritually.

I find it sad (ie, as in "of concern" as well as "pathetic") that people would have in mind to harm a fellow human being over a game of soccer, specifically, the Asean Football Championship Finals that will be played in Bangkok this weekend. An Important Game for an Important Sport, yes, Controversial first leg, yes, Glory at stake for the Thailand team, yes, Strong Emotions, yes.

But is turning to violence really necessary? What good would it do for the country, what do they stand to gain except to be remembered as violent uncivilized zealots?

The supporters of our Singapore team who were at the National Stadium were not any better either... They jeered the Thailand team on a couple of accounts, which is altogether nasty and obnoxious behaviour as well. It does nothing to help the situation expect to add fuel to the fire.

Interesting how human behaviour can be so drastic given the "right" conditions.

***

I really hate it how i'm busy with everything except my schoolwork. I'm not being studious here, it's just that DUH, school has started and so school's on top of the list of priorities. I've taken on so many roles, official and unofficial, that i find myself swamped with having to tie a lot of loose ends that can take up an entire morning, or afternoon, or even the whole day. If this keeps up, very soon i'm going to be lagging behind my work and i can't afford to do that given this's my final year.

I'm hoping things will settle down soon. If they don't, i may need to drop something, or i just need to do things faster, or i just need to give up some of my own pleasures, or i just need to use my time even more efficiently. As it is, every second of my time has been used to achieve something that i wouldn't consider a waste of time. The only thing that i refuse to give up so far is my sleep and that's because I just can't function right if i don't get enough sleep.

Well, in a good sense, this probably means that life's been interesting with the variety, with purposes and goals, with minor and major adventures embedded in everything i encounter. Lets just hope that my perfectionist side and high strung self doesn't snap in the midst of all this.

Farewell

All the Best to one of my ACJC mates, Pdus... (i like this photo and knowing that you don't frequent this site a lot, i shall take my chances and post this up. Muah hahaa...)

Study hard ok, and make sure you stay there for the full course term hor! As much as we'll miss you, you better stay there for 5 years and don't come back after 6 months! (but of course, do take holidays back to Singapore won't you)

Who knows, i might join you on the continent near your place of study. ;-) Kangeroos and wombats and koalas, oh my.

Signing up for Spectra365 wasn't an easy decision for me. (and i don't think i made it easier for Lala... Sorry girl. :-S)

Knowing myself, getting involved in community projects are probably one of the last things that i would -willingly- do. The simple reason, as well as irony, is that i fear people. I fear meeting people, i love AND hate small talk, i feel that i'm not a confident person who's settled comfortably into her own skin. And mind you, all these churning in me alongside the desire to be able to help people.

During the decision making process, i had to give up something that although affirmed me in my gifts, it played up my ego (the bad side to serving on stage). It was either that, or joining the project. But something in me would not allow myself to have any peace if i didn't commit a handful of saturdays to the project. With much struggling and deliberation, i said "yes". In that same instant, i felt very strongly that i did the right thing BUT, i also felt jittery. I could feel the skeletons in my closet clattering away in anxiety.

The first day of Spectra365 came and left, seeing around 80-90 young volunteers going through a ropes course to build up our confidence, to enable us to see the parallel between that and what was to come.

Sometimes you just need to take the first step to overcome your fear. It doesn't mean your fear disappears, it just means that you managed to pluck up the courage to face the challenge. Also, we learnt that we need to face our challenges alone at times, and that we may not always have the benefit of having people around us to cheer us on. Yet, that doesn't mean that we stop in our endeavours. So, the upcoming challenge for all of us will be meeting, bonding and working together with youths at risk in the saturdays ahead.

Previously, at the point of saying yes to the project, i was under the impression that we were going to be dealing with children. But as things moved along, we were recently told that we were going to deal with youths (13 to 20-ish years old).

I baulked at first. Scared out of my wits. With youths, you inevitably get a more complex person to deal with.

But then it dawned on me... How i used to tell myself that given a choice, i'd rather be with secondary school students if i ever got to be a teacher. In other words, i realize that this is the perfect opportunity for me to reach out to the very group of people i want to, without having to be a teacher, and they're not just any "regular" youths in that general sense, but youths who will require something extra.

I know it'll be naive of me to think that i can 100% change or be a 100% ultra-positive-impact on someone's life in only a few days, but that isn't going to stop me from trying my best to do what i can.

And so it is with cheerful anxiety and joyous fear (plus cranking and storing up on the PR juices) that i'll wait till the day that i can meet the youth that i'll be attached to. Girl or guy, it doesn't matter... Lets see what magic we'll create together when we go on our photo taking trip at the end of Feb!

(Note: we're to take about one or a few days to break the ice with the youths at the beneficiaries' place, then there'll be a designated route for a photo taking trip where we'll work together with the youths to take photos together)

I'm probably going to need to study some national geographic magazines while i'm preparing for it though. My knowledge of photography is sooo limited. Teehee.

This is self centred, but it's true... It hurts me when i can't say the right things to help someone because i can't fully read, comprehend and understand the pain a friend is going through.

I have long "prided" myself in the ability to see where someone was coming from and therefore give advice that is most relevant and that hits the nail on the head; to speak words that make a friend feel genuinely better, such that they really feel like the load on their shoulders has lifted. I enjoy being able to do that, to be there for others as the listening ear and soggy but firm shoulder. (Hence my chosen major in psychology too, a decision i made in secondary school)

But things have kind of changed and I'm sick of saying "i understand", only to say, in the next moment, something that they don't agree with.

I also find myself always trying to be everyone's best friend, and don't ask me how this came about. I've long given up on the notion of "best friends", since primary school (see how cynical i was already?).

But yeah, i have a tendency to hope that people would share their lives with me, that they would feel comfortable enough to open up and talk about their innermost feelings, thoughts and plans, as well as their struggles. Truly, i do feel sad when i feel like i can't connect with someone at that level.

Honestly and i'll admit that I think that a lot of this "wanting to feel close to and feeling like i can help someone", though is well meaning on my part for the benefit of the other person, is also a lot about trying to fill up a void in me caused by years of feeling rejected.

Strangely, in trying to be someone's best friend, to be someone who's needed by someone else, the tables are turned: it becomes me needing to cling onto someone(s) to have that feeling of security of being wanted.

I can't remember the last time i bared my soul to a friend. It's as though as the years progress, my friends all lie on the same plane. Don't get me wrong, i've got quite a few people i consider good, and very good friends. But somehow no one really gets past the smooth glass floor that separates my soul from them. You can look through it, you can see what's happening beneath, but you can't crash through it to be fully immersed in my life.

So there seems to be two issues at hand here.
1. Feeling that people don't open up - is it something wrong on my part, too high expectations of others? perhaps i'm just not someone they want to speak to after all.
2. Is there something i'm subconsciously holding back on my side?

Obviously, i have no clue about this... And i've just realized that this is a darn honest blog post. Well, it's a "thinking out loud" post after all: More personal, less politically correct and it's got way more sensitive information.

Actually, i've recently decided that apart from my vital stats and where i live and other information, i'm going to allow myself to be more honest and i won't really care too much about how it's all going to sound. I suppose i'm practicing the skill of "getting to the point" when talking about how i truly feel. Hence "thinking out loud".

I guess i could suppose also that the very people who see posts like these from now on do get to see a bit of my soul after all... (i wonder who has stuck around since 2003??? It's been quite boring along the way, i'll be the 1st to confess) You, my thevacuum readers, of whom are friends i see every now and then, others i reckon i'll never see but still leave me comments of which i really appreciate, and better yet, those who will never reveal themselves to me.

***

From June 13, 2006.

I really should stop taking photos that are simply look-at-camera-and-smile types. B-O-R-I-N-G.

Remembering that i had a memory triggering aid in the form of a CD with a sizeable number of photos of my JC mates, i sifted through my pile of CDs, found it and popped it into the drive.

I'm smiling as i click through and view them one by one. The ones that especially trigger those feelings of nostalgia and that fuzzy warmth are those that capture in a sweet frame our madcap antics, smiles that were caught in a split second without the purposeful bunching of certain muscles for that practiced smile some of us have tried to perfect.

The best pictures are those that allow you to see more than a smile plastered on a face, the kind that reveals to the viewer the reflection of the sentiment(s) of that moment through the body language of the photo's subjects. It's a joy to see us close friends just being ourselves, the way we are.

And then i think, we don't always have to smile for photos, do we? Yeah. We don't.

Think about how different it would be if we took photos of ourselves in times when we are feeling anguish, when our eyes are sore and swollen with prolonged crying, when our faces reflect emptiness, dull from the sapping of all positivity.

If photos are about capturing moments to remember, are not times of unhappiness worthy of being remembered, or captured, too? Thinking back on events past and seasons of our lives need not always have to stir good emotions. Our lives are a collection of far more than that.

Life is equally ugly as it is beautiful.

(and oh how i've been living up to this... haven't graduated to crying pictures yet though)

I saw you on those pages and read the things that you've accomplished: your title, your place, your position, the people around you... you seemed loved by all and you were looking good. I found myself admiring you, and then found myself wondering why i was even admiring you.

Why was i drawn to your fame and success?

In the past, i never really understood the thing about fame and success because i felt that it wasn't something that applied to me. It was something "other people" faced, and although there will always be a degree of wanting some kind of fame, i knew that part of me was well in check, and it was something i could handle easily.

But when i saw what you had and who you had become, there was a sudden longing to want to be associated with you again.

I surprised myself with the intensity of my emotions. I felt like i, and what i had, was lacking. And i somehow wished that i, or the people around me could measure up to you... so that i could have someone or something to boast about. I used to take pleasure in speaking of you, did you know that? I loved how people gawked and thought that you were so amazing.

I can't do that anymore though. Though there's only one degree of separation, we're figuratively worlds apart now.

Catching myself in that instant, i felt the reality of what has been said before.

Why do i need to concern myself with other people's lot in life? Each of us has been given an individual and unique life to lead, all of them different. Some of us bask in the limelight, some of us work in the background, all at different times, in varying degrees, or none at all. It's just the way things are.

When we place our self worth against the standards of the world, we will live quite consistently sad and dissatisfied lives until we see ourselves redeemed in some worldly accepted way. So for the rest of the time in life, we'll be consciously or subconsciously longing and slaving away to reach and grasp some kind of redemption to comfort ourselves, that we've managed to achieve "a level of dignity".

For those few minutes as i sat there with dread and envy rolled into one, i tasted the true and raw emotions of what it was like to feel worthless according to the world's standards. And it was heart wrenching, condemning, bitter, evil, heavy and depressing.

As i said, than i began to wonder why i was even feeling that way... and i collected the pieces of myself that were all over the floor and came to realize the truth: My worth and my identity is in Christ, in God. And when Christ is who i'm rooted in, what the world holds in acclaim hasn't even got a place of importance in my heart. Truthfully, what God thinks of me matters so much more then anything or anyone else. Really, nothing that i achieve matters in His eyes because he's looking at my heart and soul, not what my heart and soul achieves. I'm already special, already perfect and pleasing to God.

In those short moments, i experienced both the insecurity of worthlessness, and the security of being found in God, swinging from heavy heartedness to blessed freedom. And i know that i wouldn't want to compare myself with anyone ever again, because it really hasn't got any logical sense to do so. My life's worth is not measured by the number of titles that the world clamours after, but by whether i have, in my capabilities, lived out this life's lot that i was given, to the fullest.

I have a beautiful piece of news, and it's all thanks to GOD!

Well, last year i was in a tough administration fight with SIM over the schedule of my modules: the only two modules that i can take this semester clash, same day, same time. So that meant that i had no choice but to make certain sacrifices as to which lessons i could go for.

Then, shortly after i gave in to the rigid system, with horror i realized that both these modules fall on friday night, that is, the night on which i have cell group, kinda like a bible study group.

Cell group has been a very integral part of my life since 2004, because it's where my life took a turn for the better as i grew in my walk with the Lord. With this additional problematic layer, i ultimately had three things at the same time and i can't possibly tear myself into 3 parts.

I spoke to some of my church mates about this, and they prayed for me and the situation, and submitted it to God.

Well, yesterday i checked my timetable again and without notice from the school, i discovered that both my modules have been shifted to mondays. Which means that fridays are free for cell group! Praise God!

My modules still clash, but i'm sure, without a shadow of a doubt, that i can triumph over this with God by my side.

Like what Mer, WR and Dom have said, God has a beautiful way of working with and for his people as he works behind the scenes to bring us through. Even in times when things look so impossible, look up to the one who specializes, masters, majors, in impossibilities, and you'll know that he'll take care of it in his time according to his plan.

Somehow, i wasn't worrying too much about this before because i knew that God wouldn't want me to miss out on cell group, which is a place where we come together to praise and seek God and fellowship with other Christians, UNLESS he had other plans for me. Like, going to another cell group? Haha.

Thanks to all of you who've been praying and asking me about the state of school affairs.

So yeah, bring it on! I'm all prepared, and ready.

I know my doggy loves me when he chooses to lie down *on a location* near me in the same room even when he has the obvious choice of trotting over to my sis's room to snuggle deep underneath the duvet on her bed that's perpetually undone: perfect for a small dog to burrow into on a chilly sunday morning.

Note i said *on a location*, and not *next to me*, because he still insists on having some level of creature comfort, ie, sleeping on a soft, squishy surface. He hopped onto my lap a while ago as i was surfing the net at my dad's study table, presumably to analyze his snooze location but found it wanting. (oooh, am i not soft and squishy? i suppose that would be good news for me... muah hahahaa)

After some room exploration, he discovered that there was a mattress drapped upon the massage chair that he could snooze on. Reading his body language (he tip toes, standing on his 2 hind legs and lifts his head up to peer at his destination with longing), i figured the mattress was too high for him to hop onto so i gave him an express lift and so he's now lounging satisfied and peacefully asleep. (mom and dad would balk at this but i don't care. teehee.)

I love, love, love, Jed... and the communication and bond that we have. :-) There are just some things that simply can't be bought by food, which is almost pretty much the source of motivation for a lot of things.

Ok, this is going to sound sad but yes. I can't access the internet at home for some unfathomable reason and so i'm using the office internet connection to blog. Which is why it's a good and bad thing to be at the office on a saturday. -.-"

It's been raining non-stop for a couple of days on end and being a person who tends to see rain as a literal dampener on most of my most ideal forms of recreation, i've been most annoyed no less. Most of the disdain for it lies in that somehow i've evolved (YES, i used to be able to tahan the cold pretty well) into this pathetic creature who shivers and whines once the temperature hits below 25degrees. You'd think that most people who live in the tropics would LOVE lowered temperatures for a change, but no, i love my searing sunshine.

But yesterday i had so much fun on my own in the rain... Almost bordering on boh-liaoness, for lack of another word for it, and insanity (?). I was suppose to meet lakeside girl to pass her a couple of tees but instead made a classic blur jo move and went to another destination within the same area instead of meeting her directly. Making the deviation meant tramping through nice, huge, deep puddles of cold rain water that streamed down from the nearby field (EARTHWORM ALERT!!!) to collect in depressions along the stretch of pavement that led to the train station.

I haven't felt this kind of blissful simplicity in a such a long time: hugging myself tightly under the shelter of my foldable brolly, flip flopping (props to my brand new pink Arena slippers that prevented embarrassing wet-knee-to-cement accidents) through the puddles which resulted in drenched legs and shorts, having jazz music pumping into my ear drums, eating that packet seaweed thing (Tae Ki Noi? How do you spell that) and talking to and laughing with myself and God at the same time.

Yes, i was happy.

Rain, nature, God, food, self, the sound of rain, washing my seaweedy fingers in the rain, music.

Simple pleasures.

I am...

I'm amazed at the amount of thoughts on life lessons and observations that go through my head and get processed while i iron. Not a good reason to iron, but you get what i mean. As quick as the thoughts come, i forget them just as easily once i'm done with my pile of clothes. Bah.

I've just switched to the new blogger as you can tell and i'm still trying to take everything in, being the technoidiot i am.

Anyway, today i just thought i'd remind myself of the "who i ams". Often times i forget the myriad of roles that make up "me", and i make the mistake of unwittingly glossing over my responsibilities and the tasks linked to each identity.

This isn't prompted by the first sermon of the year, but somehow it just clicks and seems appropriate to do at this point in time. Oh and yeah, it's got nothing to do with that mostly poignant "I am" meme either.

So..., I AM:

A beloved child and willing servant of the Most High King, Jesus Christ.

A family member of the Lim clan, daughter, and unofficial part-time Maria.

A family member of the Ng Clan, a cousin AND aunty to cousins' kids.

Weirong's significant other.

A friend to all my friends. Not wise to list out the different groups here though. :-)

A Birthday I/C.

A cell attendence taker.

A member of, and a keyboardist in the Youth Worship Ministry @ COOS, playing in my band: Tehillah.

One fifth of a leadership.

A sort of leader helping out with the worship ministry understudies.

A rusty compound Archer, and sort of absent ACS committee member.

A Student of UniSIM, doing and loving psychology, hoping to be of some help to people one day.

A front desk worker at a certain psychology centre.

***

Ok, reckon this's all i can think of for the moment. Getting rather drowsy, i suspect it's the cough syrup i took earlier on.

Do you like quirky and unique earrings, like lego pieces and guitar picks as the focal point?

Check out http://plastickbricks.livejournal.com to take a look at their collection, and if you like what you see, make a purchase! I DID!!! I bought like, 3 pairs of lego earrings and i'll be getting a guitar pick one soon. I bet they'd come in handy, hee.

The workmanship's good and the sellers are really nice people, this couple from my church youth music ministry and this is just their new little business venture.

***

THANK GOODNESS for YOUTUBE and PEOPLE WHO POST UP SHOWS!

Now i can enjoy Whose line Is it Anyway any time i want. Oh the Hoedowns... They're HILARIOUS!

I was off on an unintentional hiatus, and i must say that i don't really like not able to blog, AND i don't really like having nothing/feeling as if i have nothing to say.

Really, there's just so much to share if i can only get my thoughts in order.

Maybe for now, i'll just let some pictures do the talking.



Jun and I horsing around during a recent wedding dinner of 2 of our church leaders.







Pretty cupcakes that were screaming at me to take a shot of them. Thanks Denise dear. :-DDD







My band, "Tehillah". Tehillah means "Exuberant Praise" in hebrew. See you guys on friday for practice!
L-R standing: Shan Yu, Shawn, Marcus, Chris, Chris, Oliver
L-R kneeling: Cheryl, Unidentified Creature, Nat.
(youth worship ministry camp, or, YWMC)





Is that... Cousin It?
L-R, clockwise: Lynn, Nat, Justin, Kenny, Cousin It?
(YWMC)






Cousin It Revealed.
L-R clockwise: Nat, Justin, Me, Kenny.
(YWMC)






Lots more photos, but i'm too lazy to wait for blogger to load it. Ha.
Oh, and nuts... I've put on weight!

When i opened his present... I laughed super out loud, and then hooted and woot-ed...

(Laughed: "WOW! THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN LUSTING AFTER! Hoot and Woot: "WOAH! UNCANNY MAN!!!" and upon closer inspection, "WOAH! HIGH END STUFF LEH!")

Not that it was something i didn't like, in fact, it was something that i've always debated over whether to buy... erm, as in, lip gloss. (ok, anti-climax lah, but don't pop my bimbo moment ok?)

Every time i'm at the pharmacy, i'll pick up the colour that i like and clutch it in my hand as i move around the shop. But it would take me only a few minutes of re-consideration before i put it down again in the rack.

Yeah, so like it said, when i opened his present... I was surprised to see FOUR SHADES OF LIP GLOSS all prettily displayed in a transparent box. And it was from a high end brand ok...... Woahh... *bug eyes*

I wonder whether it's because he notices that i don't put anything on my lips for work or whether he thought that (most) girls can't have too much of make-up anyways.
If it's the former, that would make him not only a very perceptive psychologist, but also a very keen observer of small details, or the lack of them.

Seriously, God has a sense of humour. I'm being blessed with the things that i've always wanted to get but never did. First came the mp3 player, then my nice 4 tubes of lip gloss. Whee!

OH AND...

I've just opened another present and... it's more lip stuff! (haven't opened it so i don't know if it's gloss or lip stick)
Anyways, thanks girl! Hoohoo!

Talk about abundant blessings.

And.... Thank You NTU Cell for your birthday card and present! Thanks to Gem who always has the knack for making and picking the things i like very much. ;-DDDD

Just wanted to say that i feel so blessed by everyone around me, as well as Daddy God.

In the past few weeks, he probably saw and provided me the "want" that i've been eyeing for a while, and for FREE. I did nothing to deserve it, and it pretty much just landed in my lap. He's also blessed me with people who care, and He has also brought me through situations where i know i would have messed up if i had relied on myself to succeed.

*

Woo, i wonder what i should wear for the wedding on the 1st of Jan. I'll be playing for the service, so need to "wear nice nice", as pastor puts it. :-D White and Khaki is the dress code. Hmm... Anyone wanna give me a makeover?

I haven't had fun at work before, and today nails it! And why?

Because NO ONE IS AROUND. MUAH HAHAHAHAHAA. Ok, my colleagues and boss had a presentation to go to, so that leaves lil ole me all by myself to man the phone. Since i'm spending pretty much like 9 hours or so alone enclosed in the office, i brought all my art stuff so that i could work on some birthday and christmas presents. Ah, so productive, i likes.

Think: radio on louder than usual, singing to Corrinne May and head banging to Gotan Project mp3s, embossing stuff, typing out calendars and filling them in, drawing and outlining pictures, drawing out calendars and filling them in...

Around close to 3pm, i was severely running out of ideas of what to occupy myself with. And in a corner next to me is this bunch of leaves that look like the real stuff of christmas trees. But far from inspiring romantic images of white rolling hills densely populated by snow covered pine trees, the remains of this one has kind of begun to smell sourish, like puke.

So it's now the "11th hour" before i knock off, and i've forgotton that i've got to collect the mail. Ok, so here i go. YEAY! 10 more minutes to freedom!

Ok, from this trash you can tell that i'm really not lying to you about my boredom.

To find out that he was only that bit away from me gave me the chills. There's still a degree of separation and it's very likely that i won't bump into him anyway. But STILL... When i heard that little bit of news, my blood ran cold for a moment.

Not that i fear anything, or feel anymore pain. It's just that when a bit of my past comes by to brush lightly against my current path in life and even almost crosses it, i can't help but feel a sudden rush of thoughts and emotions. The physiological body then reacts accordingly... The heart races, i feel cold and my hair stands, my head throbs and my palms go a bit clammy.

A part of me always hopes that both parties will come to an amicable and civil existence, especially since it's been a number of years already. I never make advances and i don't think i'll ever dare to unless it's obvious that if i do, i won't be murdered. God knows best about the state of our minds and hearts, and i trust Him wholeheartedly for however the future unfolds.