I don't understand it. I'm living life as normally as i used to but somehow my under eye area has been extra tired, extra tender, extra heavy, extra swollen, extra purple-red. It's not horrific till I need medical attention, but it's bad enough such as it's certainly not normal. Sigh, does someone have any idea what could be wrong or what i should be doing?

I'm now going to re-enforce the rule again for myself: In bed by 11:30pm-12am.

V and i went to the littlematchgirl boutique at Tiong Bahru Plaza this evening... and i think we left the floor slippery with our drool.

The collection that they've got currently is SO, ME. Toga tops and dresses, tops with frills that are not over the top but just enough to accentuate the lines on the garment, lace, semi-looking halter neck tops (dunno what you call them). Gosh. LOVE. Slightly annoyed that their website does not seem to be working. Meh. :(

Didn't buy anything cos the clothes weren't within my budget. Some other boutiques that are carrying stuff now that are extremely me are, Miss Selfridge, Dorothy Perkins, Mango... All the earthy tones, relaxed, flowy, beachy at times. AGH! But all cannot afford. This's one of the pertinent reasons why i resort to shopping online. Ah well.

Ah yes, we watched How to Train your Dragon, and it is such a lovely, heart warming show... And cute as well... The character creators and animators really know how to make (animal loving) audiences squeak with delight! The dragons behave exactly like dogs and cats that we are more familiar with. Themes in the movie were love and friendship, family, acceptance, identity. Toothless the dragon reminded me of Jed big time, so much so that i just wanted to go home and cuddle Jed so bad!

At the end of the show, the image of Hiccup and Toothless walking side by side each other with each of their little physical flaws is stuck in my mind. Hiccup lost his leg from the knee down and had a metal replacement, while Toothless's tail had a fin missing... Handicapped in some way, but both accept one another as they are and help one another make up for their shortcomings. Sweet. :)

All Assignments. Status: DONE
It is really all over now. (Unless i fail my module lah)
Ah, so bittersweet. Now... time for my dissertation! :D

*

Sad. My glass bottle of Aesop facial cleansing oil crashed onto the floor this morning just before i needed to leave for school. My heart dropped to the floor along with bottle as i stared at the shattered bottle and the glass shards that lay on the floor from my bathroom to my room, and i felt such a sense of loss when i saw the rich yellow oil spread across the tiles. To think that just a moment ago as i was washing my face i was thinking: I must find a way of how not to waste this...

I know, it's just a facial cleanser... But it was something i saved up for because it really is quite pricey and it was something that never failed to give me precious, refreshing, pleasureable moments in the middle of a busy day whenever i inhaled the beautiful aroma of botanical oils. Oh well. :(

On another note... Well, my semester is OVER! ALL my assignments have been handed in. No more pressing deadlines! :DDD True, i've STILL got my dissertation to write, but that's another chapter altogether.

I spoke to my lecturer in her office today and I'm reminded again of how grateful i am for her support for me. She was the one who listened when my class had a mini crisis, she helped me through my practicum last year when i was facing some issues, and she was there as i spoke and cried (yeah, i did... the tears just came uncontrollably. *facepalm*) in her office when i shared how i taxed i was feeling from my family situation and needed a break form everything.

Today, she expressed to me that she and the other lecturers see potential in me to pursue my PhD. I've ever thought of doing that, yes. But that will come after some working experience and only if it contributes to something. I would only do it if it benefits in some meaningful way, because... i HATE academic writing. I'm honoured that she would think this of me as i do hold PhD holders in high regard. As i walked out from her office, i have to admit that i was chuckling to myself about my recent couple of assignments that was... well... kinda just well, in my opinion, sucky.

So i came home and had a leisurely lunch of leftover dinner from yesterday.

I can't remember the last time i had lunch in front of the television in the afternoon. Or watching television in the afternoon, for that matter.

(ok, i know that privilege doesn't apply to working people though!)

bonitochico buyers have either increased suddenly or have gone extra rabid these days. 12 minutes isn't enough time to get ANYTHING from the collection! I think you need to decide what you want, within 1 second to 3 minutes sia. woah lao eh. Grrr. not exaggerating okay.

On Jan 17th, i wrote about how God led me to choose Fatherhood as my dissertation topic and how opporunities started to unfold before me. Do you remember?

Well... God keeps making my jaw drop over and over again.

This week when i went to my practicum site, big boss introduced me to a YEAR LONG Fathering workshop that we'll be conducting with some major social services ministries/bodies in Singapore. My brain was popping FIREWORKS, i tell you.

Why?

Firstly, MY practicum site is taking charge leh! So i don't need to go through any other organizations, cutting down on the red tape.

Secondly, the time frame of the workshop coincides with the time frame of my dissertation. Usually, the difficulty in gaining access to a population for research is one of the main bug bears for students doing the research portion for their dissertation/thesis.

Thirdly, when i shared that i was interested in the effects of Fathering on relationships, my boss shared that that was what she was interested in too.

Fourthly, she's HIGHLY supportive of my research though i'm just an intern. She seems to be the kind of person who sees the unpolished gem in people before they even manifest any kind of strengths. When i told her that my supervisor isn't too well versed with Fatherhood, she was like, "Aiya! Learn (directed at the supervisor) together lah!" I wanted to laugh. Her view that people shouldn't just do what's comfortable is admirable. She's super gung-ho man.

Fifthly, there may be a grant involved... Hmm. Not sure how that would work out.

Wow. God. You're amazing. Typing all this out is like the revelation hitting me all over again. Last year i hadn't any idea that this was how things were going to pan out. I'm seeing AGAIN, how God is already chionging ahead, clearing and preparing the path, and assuring me, "Yeah! Follow through! You're going the right way!"

If GOD (hello, the Almighty Creator, no?), tells me that i'm going the right way, then... I SCARED OF WHAT SIA!?!

to know life, is to know death

Strange urge to share this, and i posted it as a note on fb too:

Had my last class in NIE yesterday night. I returned home feeling as if part of my life got cut off suddenly with no closure. There were short farewells, and then the rapid disappearances of people i know and have journeyed with for two years, but suddenly feel so distanced from. I guess everyone was tired and itching to get home to rest and/or complete the assignments before the deadlines.

We usually close our last lesson with food and drinks, but somehow, we seemed to have lost the enthusiasm for such things.

I miss school life suddenly, now that i've had my last official lesson in NIE. And I realize that i want to treasure every last moment as a student for the next 6 months and not hurry the process.

Now i understand, just in part, of what it means to live life intentionally once you've understood what "the end" means. Coincidentally, this is linked to my last presentation for my module, which also happens to be my last presentation in NIE ever, which was on multicultural counselling for death and bereavement issues.

I started out my course knowing that it was going to be tough, and it was. I struggled and complained. But now I want to savour and grasp every last experience of what it means to be a student. That means, doing my assignments with relish, doing my dissertation with my utmost effort and interest, but yet also feeling the emotions of frustration and pressure, with appreciation and thankfulness instead of dread.

I will stop saying that i want to get out of school and get to work, because I don't know when's the next time i'll ever step into school as a student. Another Masters? PhD? Only God knows. I pretty much don't see the point unless i'll get to do hands on training/practice or if i'm making an actual contribution to something or someone.

Earlier would have been nice, but I'm glad these feelings came now and no later than this.

This concept probably isn't new to you, but i guess i just wanted to share these personal thoughts from my experience.

Life doesn't "begin", or get "happier" or "easier" after a (tough) phase or journey is over. Because there will always be new milestones and new phases, Life therefore happens every second. It is how i let my heart and mind perceive my experiences and what meaning i make and attach to every passing moment that gives life, Life.

A little appreciation in a poem, a song, a short sentence of realization, or some kind of explicit verbal expression would be nice. I feel so alone, unloved and unappreciated sometimes.

Words seem to be my love language, huh.

*

"So what if they get angry with you? It's not your fault when they get angry with you."
"How can that be? It came from me what."
"If you said the same thing to 100 people, would all 100 people be angry with you? It's what they are thinking (internal belief system) on the inside that determines their reactions. (And it would differ for every person)"
"(ok... he has a point) But what if i say something that would totally piss everyone off? Like, 'You're an idiot?"
"Would you say 'you're an idiot' in the session?"
"Uh... no. But it's not so much of what i say, but more of what i do or don't do..."

"Counsellors and Psychologists tend to have a Messiah Complex. We think that we need to save everyone, every time. Thing is, we cannot save every person. We are not responsible for their lives, nor their problems. We are only able to help them in that 1 hour that we are with them. What they choose to do outside the counselling room is their choice and not something we can control. 1 hour is all we have, the rest of the 23 hours is theirs. Our responsibility is only within that 1 hour."

"I feel so inadequate."
"I feel that way too. I learnt from a senior, that self doubt is a constant, and an occupational hazard for every counsellor"
"(thinks: *#$%%$#^%*)"

"I cannot be everyone's close friend"

It's now time for... "Scary Assignment Season!" When i scare myself into completing my assignments on time!

Practicum II:

1) Case Presentation
Due: 7th April. Status: Undone
2) Intake Assessment Report
Due: 14th April. Status: Undone
3) Session Report
Due: 14th April. Status: Undone
4) Term Paper Reflection
Due: 14th April. Status: Undone

Multicultural Counselling:

1) Individual Paper II
Due: 12th April, 12pm. Status: In Progress
2) Group Presentation and Essay
Due: 5th & 12th April, 12pm. Status: In Progress

Whoopee?

heart and soul capturing pieces

The driving earthy beat, with what sounds like ethnic specific instruments coming together with an orchestra to create a rich, expansive auditory experience. I could also almost picture myself standing atop a cliff and looking down at a vast open landscape before me with the wind catching in my hair.



After listening to some music Gem sent me from a Japanese anime, i was reminded of a very short snippet of music from another Japanese film called Princess Mononoke. I remember my heart being hopelessly captured by just a few bars of music that was tastefully embedded in a video that my JC friend had created for the JC (he was in the media resource club. G should know who. ;) ). Here's an orchestra playing music from that film, but the melody i heard so many years ago isn't from this piece. If you don't have the patience to listen to orchestra music, don't click on this one unless you enjoy musicians in close-up action. But of course, the piece is good listening as well. :)



The short snippet is found in this piece! 1) 0:56-1:05, 2) 1:45-1:56, 3) 3:59-4:06. The chord structure! OMG. So heart wrenchingly beautiful. But of course, best to listen to the whole piece.



On Youtube, this particular piece received a whole lot of responses from people who were so touched by the music and now i'm one of them. It gave me the goosebump chills just taking it all in. It has soul. Grand, passionate, majestic. Usually i would enjoy a piece of music from a movie better after watching the movie with the soundtrack, but this really got me hook, line and sinker without the movie which was out about 10 years i think.



The rich sound of the impassioned guitar solo caught my attention at the start of the song. The entrance of the saxophone was tentative and gentle but gets more urgent and it sings a heart tugging melody to you. And then.... THE GUITAR AND SAXOPHONE GO CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Some crazy riffs can. Woah liao eh, i could listen to it forever on loop.



Piano, flute and orchestra intertwining to create a gentle, flowing, yet decisive piece. Fresh, inspiring, heart wrenching.

HATE paperwork (post counselling report writing). Like, detest.

But... Anyway, with a little help here and there, i'm finding it to be a slightly more positive experience being in the counselling room... I find that having a little confidence (and of course, some priming) helps a big fat deal.

Today, had counselling "overload" in a good way. Lots of case conceptualization training, analyses, learning from others and just talking things out with my counsellor classmate who helped talk me through some of my own knots. Realized, it's quite nice talking to guy friends cos they don't get emotional easily. Sure, there are cons to that part of men (the whole hear-problem-give-solution shebang), but sometimes, all you need is some straight talking guy friend who is sensitive to your worldview but who will also challenge you without having emotions as part of the equation.

Learning curve is like scaling the Devils Tower. But after a day of counsellor-cog-wheel-frenzy, it feels pretty good actually. I think it's because i find myself thinking more in line with other counsellors and i feel as if i'm doing some things right. AT LAST. Need more practice in the counselling room, need dialogue with other experienced counsellors. There's so much to learn and i am lapping it up!

Got home after a long day of being at work and school and looked at my growing pile of clothes that were meant to be hand washed. On other nights, i'd be groaning internally but tonight i decided, "kay, tonight's a good night for some quiet, solitary, brainless activity". So i take my pile of clothes to the washing area and started the whole washing routine. It felt good. Seriously.

Today was a good day. Started pretty darn early, but i was surprisingly "lucid" the whole day despite all the mental acrobatics. On most days, i would've shut down a long time ago.

It must've been mom praying for me throughout the day. Yesterday night, i was grumpy, solemn, stressed, anxious and downright grouchy. So much so that i blurted it out to my mom and she cheerfully said that she would pray for me. Well, looking at the dramatic change in me today, all i can say is, prayer works.

Well. Of course. :)