Spent 6 hours in front of the computer today doing my ethics project group work. I hope that our lecturer is kind to us because all the other groups have 3 people while my group only has... Er, 2 (1 of our group mates pang seh us and left the module altogether). In a way, it makes things less complicated, but it means a lot more work for the both of us. I never did have to do group projects with much more mature adults back in UniSIM, so to have to work with one one-on-one today was quite a new experience. Thank God that she's great to work with and we come from pretty similar backgrounds.

Then i had the jiemei meeting... Hurhur. ;-)
After we hatched our evil plan, aka Operation Sabotage, i walked away pretty much emotionless except for thoughts about whether the games portion will be pulled off well or not. But now, i'm feeling the combination of anxiety and excitement. Ack, need to get a decent pink thingy to wear! Some dress or something. Shopping is in order on monday, after my convo gown fitting.

Bimbo moment: Kind of wondering which brand of coloured lenses is good and whether people with astigmatism can wear them.

I was at Music Plaza, PS the other day and boy, was it an interesting evening. I encountered:

1. a drummer guy (DG, a customer who was trying out the drums) who told me that he liked my "touch" on the piano (i don't really know what he means by "touch")

J: (tries out a Yamaha playing "Hit the Road Jack" rather softly. Then started softly tinkling the usual bunch of chords)
DG: (Comes up to me from behind) Hi, i like your touch. Do you play a lot of jazz?
J: Er, no, i play mostly by ear.
DG (looks disappointed) Oh. Well, i like your touch.
J: (watches DG walk away) Oh, thanks!

2. guy from buddhist fellowship

He came into the shop wanting to ask the shop assistant about the piano i was playing. I started to move away from it saying that if he wanted to try, please go ahead. But he told me to keep playing so that he could listen. After a few chords, he asked if i played anywhere and i replied that i played for my church band. Then... he asked if i wanted to play for "another faith". I was stunned of course. I didn't decline at first but instead started to quiz him about what this event was about. Turns out he is a buddhist and wants to hold an event where people from different faiths come together to share about their respective faiths.

We had a short conversation about Buddhism and Christianity. I started to put some learnt things (from a recent sermon) into practice but alas, he was too bent on asking me to come to his event. I thought that he went too far with some of his questions, and boy was he insistent! He wasn't going to settle for a "no" so easily. I wonder why. We left the shop with me having his contact and an indefinite answer about me going to his fellowship. Friend tells me that it might be an evangelistic thing. Hm. *nods*

3. 2 young people, a woman and man from a church that believes in God the Mother, the "bride" as a part of God, the end time prophecies, how people today do not observe the passover anymore, saturday as sabbath, not sunday. If you're interested.

They started out innocently enough with a survey which i think was simply a guise to get me into a conversation about what they believe in. They were pushy all right! Refused to have my email address, insisted on my hp number (which i obviously did not give) and gave me pamphlets to read. They basically used verses from the bible to substantiate what they were saying (the woman was nice but sounded like a robot when explaining their beliefs, while the guy was nice but morphed into something monster-ish when asking for my number, insisting that they really wanted to share the truth with me on another set day)

I have mixed feelings about what they were saying. I spoke to my dad about it and i agreed with him that what they were preaching wasn't essential to the simple gospel of Jesus Christ. Although i still have some thoughts about the God the Mother thing, yeah.

Whatever it is, i got a taste of what some Christians do that just scare people away. Coming across as zealots, being too pushy and annoying, using "con" methods. But not all of us are like that!

3 YEARS!

It's our anniversary! Gem and I. :-)

I don't think we're able to go do anything nice or crazy or normal together today since we're occupied with you know, our other partners. Also known as "school" and "homework".

This week has been and is going to continue being rough. Many thanks to the folks who have been on the receiving end of my rambling and whining. You may not know it, but it's a chain reaction. What little that you do, has a big effect on me: Catching me when i am falling/fallen, saying the right words and not saying any at the right time. You've helped me.

Have also been having a sharp pain in my upper back that has been going on for about a week which recently got worse after i accidentally "abused" myself. God, help. *looks up*

I am thinking... When i begin work as a counsellor, this blog will have to become private. Then again, perhaps when i begin my internship, i'll have to start the process of moving i guess.

Ok, i've got to go back to scaring myself into continuing with my work by mentally running through my deadlines.

If only ethical decision making (in counselling) was as easy as punching in numbers into SPSS that churns out results in seconds, or throwing a coin into an Oracle's watery dwelling place and waiting for an answer to magically appear.

Dangwabbit.

***

I've spoken to and observed a few people when it comes to the issue of giving money to people who are asking for it, either through selling tissue paper or just plain asking.

So recently i had a conversation with M about it and i found out that she would only give money to the people who seem like they deserve it.

That got me thinking. Some say that the attitude of the heart is what matters most to them. Meaning, they are not concerned with what the person-asking-for-money (PAFM) does with the money or whether they are part of a syndicate or whether they are deserving. To them, what matters is the attitude they have towards the PAFM, and they give unconditionally.

Some others try to do the practical thing, which is to find out what the PAFM needs, and provides that need directly if within their capability. Eg. Food.
Others choose to give only if they deem the PAFM deserving, with the "right" attitude when they approach them for money.

I don't have a fixed opinion for what i would do, because honestly, there are times when i give freely, and there are times when my heart is hardened.

Then i had a sudden thought. What if Jesus decided that only the deserving among us humans could be worth dying for? Then he can forget about dying and sacrificing himself for any one of us because none of us on this Earth is perfect or deserving.

whao...

I am listening to the band recording of last week's worship at service and i am having GOOSEBUMPS. The GOOD kind of goosebumps. It's like somehow, we've been refreshed by God during our camp such that when we came together to worship as a team, we just really flowed as a band, playing out in music what God was putting into our hearts to play.

God is crazy.

Crazy good.

*

NB: My mom came in to give my cluttered room a quick sweep (something i insist she should not do) and she said: "If Jesus were to come into your room, he wouldn't have anywhere to sit! Where are you going to put him?"

I think she said some other things like:
" Where would he put this books?"
"He would say: Jo, where are you going to put me?"

HA.HA.HA

I don't know.

I just feel so... Blah. It's not like my world is falling apart but it somehow feels a little like that. I guess that is not really the case, so I think it would be more accurately phrased as: there are too many nagging and upsetting (which is subjective) things on my mind now.

School's definitely been keeping me busy. Busy and anti social. The busy part is fine, but being anti social is not something that's suppose to be included in the package. I find myself wanting to run home right after church service when usually i find much joy in hanging out with my cell group or cell group girls. But those days are gone.

I can't even go out because i'm busy catching up with work. Going out on weekdays is not an option unless i make up for the time spent by working extra hard before then. Sundays are catch up days. I feel deprived. Chained. Tired. Drowning and struggling. I meddled with the idea of giving up, though i know that i won't.

I am bogged down by my work and priorities and what's worse, i feel like i don't have the capacity to deal with any more people than i need to. On saturdays after service, the predominant feeling is: I just need a quiet night with very close friend(s). Silent and/or meaningful company is all i wish for. I just don't have it in myself to talk more than i need to. This rotten sense of isolation is leeching into my relationship with God, and i hate it. No relationship with God, no receiving of his love (he still pours his love, but...)that gives me strength to love others. When that happens, i get TIRED.

Then there's the issue of my cousin coming to live with us for an indefinite period of time. She's effectively going to be like a new teenage sister. And that... my friends... is something i have no idea how i'm going to handle. I've never had a younger sibling. It's no more just dad, mom, sister and i. Our little home, our private comfort zone. It's us and one more person. I'm still grappling with the idea of how i'm going to relate. Sister? Cousin? Because, it's going to be for the long haul. And it's a big thing. Lots of thoughts about this.
And then there are (for me to know) that i really want to beat up. Yes, you heard me right. Fed up. Frustrated. Angry.

There's more, but...

I don't know.
Blah.

Wow. I just realized how much i miss The Lion King... I just caught the first one, the 1 1/2 one and The Lion King 2 on YouTube. OK! I know, i ought to be shot for spending my time doing that.

But oh... my gosh. It's so wonderful watching it again. Apart from the kiddy Disney songs (actually, the lyrics are quite funny too), the jokes are still worthy of genuine laughter and the animators and artists REALLY did such a good job depicting the emotions of the characters. Every twitch, every slight movement on the faces and bodies of the characters are so precise and intentional and accurate. Such a work of art in a movie made in the 1990s (but i'm thinking... i believe that the conception of ideas and artwork would've begun somewhere in the 1980s?).

I wanna buy the whole DVD set if possible! It's like treasure to me. :-)